Are You Pulling Your Own Hair?

Do we often overreact to situations without looking within? How can we better cope with offenses in life? Watching our newborn gave us food for thought about how adults react, and how we can better handle hurts and offense ourselves.

Last summer when our youngest child was only a few weeks old, I observed something that concerned, then tremendously amused, me.

He was sprawled on a blanket in the middle of our living room floor in the famous "fencer pose" newborns exhibit, and I was sitting beside him. I turned for a few seconds to find some new toys for him to look at, when he screamed. I thought at first his sister startled him. However, the screaming intensified and I began to panic. Several thoughts raced through my mind about feedings and diaper changes. But I knew he was freshly changed and full. Feeling helpless, I tried to figure out what was the matter.

Finally, I took a closer look at him and realized he had grabbed a fistful of his own hair and was pulling with all his might. The ridiculousness of the situation made it difficult for me to dislodge his fist. I was laughing so hard! As I separated his hand and hair, he became quite calm. The incident was so amusing to me I immediately called my husband to inform him of our son's latest escapade.

Upon further reflection, my husband remarked how this incident demonstrated what we potentially do to ourselves spiritually. Sometimes we wonder why we are being punished or why bad things are happening, when all along, we have grabbed hold of our own hair, and we are pulling with both fists. Then, we ask, "Why am I experiencing pain?"

We have all made mistakes. Every human being on earth has sinned (Romans 3:23For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God;
See All...). We should realize this fact. But, who is the first person we blame for our shortcomings? We don't want to lay the blame on ourselves--we wish someone else to be the scapegoat. As our son had screamed when he thought someone else was pulling his hair, we scream at another person (and sometimes even at God), for causing a problem, when, all along, we are the ones tugging and causing the trouble. We look at others' behavior and find offense with what they are doing, not ourselves. Let's examine some of those behaviors which may most offend us and consider how we should deal with them.

Mad at the mirror

If we are truly honest with ourselves, we should see that the things that offend us often come from inadequacies within our own character. Traits that are most offensive to us often mirror our own shortcomings. We leap to point out faulty traits in others, for we can't admit we are wrong in our attitude.

Our human nature causes us to reject the idea we are flawed. This approach stems from the father of selfishness, self-righteousness and deceit--Satan the devil. God cast Satan down when Satan thought he was better than God and refused to see faults within himself (Isaiah 14:12-14 [12] How art thou fallen from heaven, O Lucifer, son of the morning! how art thou cut down to the ground, which didst weaken the nations!
[13] For thou hast said in thine heart, I will ascend into heaven, I will exalt my throne above the stars of God: I will sit also upon the mount of the congregation, in the sides of the north:
[14] I will ascend above the heights of the clouds; I will be like the most High.

See All...). In Ezekiel 28:15Thou wast perfect in thy ways from the day that thou wast created, till iniquity was found in thee.
See All..., God said of Satan, "You were perfect in your ways from the day you were created, till iniquity was found in you." So, Satan became self-righteous, thinking he should topple God due to the "fact" he knew more than God. His refusal to discern his own traits caused his downfall, literally, to earth.

Power and prejudice

Another potential cause of offense stems from jealousy and greed. We see others with a nicer car or home and use this as an opportunity to criticize and point out faults we think we observe. "They don't deserve what they have," we think.

Deep down inside we want to control others. We want to feel power over other people to make ourselves feel better. If we cut someone off in traffic, we feel we have made a conquest over the individual or bested them in some way. Once again, an attitude of superiority prevails.

Another cause of offense stems from prejudice. Prejudices enter our lives from our youth. We look at a person's skin color or weight or background. Through our own former experiences, we may see a person negatively, thinking we know who they are before we really know them. Sound familiar?

Handling offenses

Thankfully, God forgives and demonstrates how we should react in everyday situations. Our older sibling, Jesus Christ, revealed in the pages of the Bible examples of how to react to offense. In Luke 7:36-50 [36] And one of the Pharisees desired him that he would eat with him. And he went into the Pharisee's house, and sat down to meat.
[37] And, behold, a woman in the city, which was a sinner, when she knew that Jesus sat at meat in the Pharisee's house, brought an alabaster box of ointment,
[38] And stood at his feet behind him weeping, and began to wash his feet with tears, and did wipe them with the hairs of her head, and kissed his feet, and anointed them with the ointment.
[39] Now when the Pharisee which had bidden him saw it, he spake within himself, saying, This man, if he were a prophet, would have known who and what manner of woman this is that toucheth him: for she is a sinner.
[40] And Jesus answering said unto him, Simon, I have somewhat to say unto thee. And he saith, Master, say on.
[41] There was a certain creditor which had two debtors: the one owed five hundred pence, and the other fifty.
[42] And when they had nothing to pay, he frankly forgave them both. Tell me therefore, which of them will love him most?
[43] Simon answered and said, I suppose that he, to whom he forgave most. And he said unto him, Thou hast rightly judged.
[44] And he turned to the woman, and said unto Simon, Seest thou this woman? I entered into thine house, thou gavest me no water for my feet: but she hath washed my feet with tears, and wiped them with the hairs of her head.
[45] Thou gavest me no kiss: but this woman since the time I came in hath not ceased to kiss my feet.
[46] My head with oil thou didst not anoint: but this woman hath anointed my feet with ointment.
[47] Wherefore I say unto thee, Her sins, which are many, are forgiven; for she loved much: but to whom little is forgiven, the same loveth little.
[48] And he said unto her, Thy sins are forgiven.
[49] And they that sat at meat with him began to say within themselves, Who is this that forgiveth sins also?
[50] And he said to the woman, Thy faith hath saved thee; go in peace.

See All..., Christ allows a woman, a sinner many times over, to wash His feet with her tears and anoint His feet with oil, then wipe them with her hair. The Pharisee watching this spoke within himself, saying, "This Man, if He were a prophet, would know who and what manner of woman this is who is touching Him, for she is a sinner." While others reviled this woman, Christ forgave her offenses, which "were many."

As Jesus was hanging on the cross, His lifeblood slowly draining from Him, He didn't curse those who crucified Him. He'd been beaten, flogged and nailed, his flesh impaled to the cross. People spat upon Him, made fun of Him and screamed for His death. How did He respond? "Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they do" (Luke 23:34Then said Jesus, Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do. And they parted his raiment, and cast lots.
See All...).

Out of all who ever lived, Christ certainly possessed the right to be offended and unforgiving. People persecuted Him up until His last moments, finally ending His life wrongfully in the most undignified manner. Christ knew He would die a terrible, painful death. Yet, what did He tell His disciples? Peter asked Christ how many times he should forgive his brother. Up to seven times? "Jesus said to him, 'I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven'" (Matthew 18:22Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven.
See All...). He didn't say, "OK, forgive a few times, then no more." Christ said, "But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses" (Matthew 6:15But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.
See All...). Period, end of discussion.

God also told us that love does not keep a record of wrongs. In 1 Corinthians 13, the "love chapter" of the Bible, we are shown how love suffers long, is patient and kind (verse 4). That is the key. If others offend, as they will, instead of being offended, ask God to help you forget the wrongs and forgive the person. We have all offended in our lives. Don't we want forgiveness when we have behaved in a wrong manner? We should, and God demands we extend forgiveness to others as well.

In our own backyard

We have discussed others offending us. We have talked about forgiveness. But we have not discussed what to do if the person who offended us resides in our own backyard, so to speak. What if the offender is a close relative, friend or acquaintance?

In Matthew 18:15-17 [15] Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother.
[16] But if he will not hear thee, then take with thee one or two more, that in the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established.
[17] And if he shall neglect to hear them, tell it unto the church: but if he neglect to hear the church, let him be unto thee as an heathen man and a publican.

See All..., we are told to go to our brother if something happens. Perhaps we have been offended when we did not see the situation clearly in the beginning. However, if a true problem exists, talk to the person. You will have gained a brother if he listens. If this does not work, contact a trusted friend to help mediate the problem. Don't give up on working the problem through. Reconciliation may take days, weeks or even years, but don't give up. With God, nothing is impossible (Luke 1:37For with God nothing shall be impossible.
See All...). We must pray for His help to receive the ability to consistently forgive others. Our own human nature hinders our forgiveness of others. Genuine forgiveness comes only with God's help. Without God, no forgiveness can occur. Without being forgiving, we will not receive God's forgiveness.

So, instead of pulling your own hair, go to God to discern the root of the problem. Ask Him to show more clearly what offense really exists and what is self-inflicted. Then, demonstrate the faith and will to do what is right, and in the process save your own scalp.