I recently read two books written by authors who had experienced the murder of family members. Each book chronicled the author's arduous and painful journey through rage cooled to a cold, stony anger and finally to a peace of mind made possible by forgiveness.
Wow! I thought. I've never been through such a horrible experience. In fact, I don't even have a lot of people who I think should ask for my forgiveness. Do I? I start rummaging hit and miss through my filing cabinet of stored memories. My mind's eye lands on a file labeled FAMILY, and when I look in it, there are the usual sibling things and the "my parents don't understand me" things, but they had long been resolved.
I continue flipping through FEAST, WEDDING and one marked MISC. until I detect a file tucked way back in the dark recesses of my hippocampus and amygdala. I slowly pull it out—a worn folder stamped in red letters COLD CASE and the words "Unresolved Past Offenses" burned into its tab. When I open it, there they are, all the pain of offenses that have never been resolved; and the accompanying emotions they trigger wound me once again. My thankful mood now turns dark, and I relive each occurrence in vivid, emotional detail.
In his book Five Steps to Forgiveness, Dr. Everett Worthington identifies the state I'm in as one of rumination. He writes, "Rumination, the process of reflection on what's hurt us, changes the hot emotions of fear and anger into cold emotions of unforgiveness" (p. 26).
"Unforgiveness," he continues, "is defined as delayed emotions involving resentment, bitterness, residual anger, residual fear, hatred, hostility, and stress." Of course, God in His great wisdom warns about such a frame of mind in Ephesians 4:26-27: "'Be angry, and do not sin'; do not let the sun go down on your wrath, nor give place to the devil."
Now what do I do? No one enjoys this frame of mind. It demands relief. Dr. Worthington offers two solutions: "First, you could chip away at it by replacing a little unforgiveness with a little forgiveness over hundreds of experiences. Second, you could whack unforgiveness with a giant dose of empathy, sympathy, compassion, or love and simply overwhelm it" (p. 33). The consummate example of this is found in the words of our dying Lord: "Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they do" (Luke 23:34). Paul admonishes us in Romans 12:21: "Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good."
It's time. I decide to begin the process of "overwhelming" the contents of this shabby folder, piece by malignant piece, until the process of forgiveness is complete. After all there's a lot riding on my choice: "For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses" (Matthew 6:14-15).
I want this COLD CASE marked CLOSED AND FORGIVEN.UN
