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"There is no one in the Church for me to marry!"
"There is no one in the Church for me to marry!"
How many times have singles or teens looked around their local congregations in despair? There may not be someone to date in their local area, let alone marry. Some start dating outside the Church.
And why not? There are many decent, honest people in the world, goes the theory, and if that person truly loves me, he or she will accept my religion.
Unfortunately, it rarely works that way. Dating outside the Church isn't as simple or as consequence-free as one might think. There are a number of myths surrounding this subject that need to be examined. Why shouldn't you date outside the Church? And how can you cope if marriage is not in your foreseeable future?
Myth #1: There is no one in the Church for me.
Just because you have not met a suitable person in your area, does not mean there isn't anyone at all. Look at the example of Elijah—he thought he was the only one left who was faithful to God (1 Kings 19:14-18). But God said He had reserved 7,000 others. A lack of singles in your area doesn't mean there are no other singles.
If marriage and family are very important to you, ask yourself: Have I really tried to get to know all the singles in my area? Not just in my congregation, but in my surrounding province/state or country? You may need to look beyond your immediate area. Once you've done this, leave the rest to God.
It becomes dangerous to start creating your own solutions to your loneliness. In Genesis 19:31, Lot's daughters used this very myth to take matters into their own hands: "There is no man on the earth to come in to us." Although this is an extreme example, it does show how far we are willing to go to justify taking matters into our own hands.
Myth #2: If I want a spouse and children, I have to marry outside the Church.
There is no guarantee that you will be able to have children. What if in desperation to have children you married outside the Church, only to discover you or your spouse are unable to have children? If you still did not have children, how would you feel about your choice then?
If you did have children, consider the difficulties of raising them in a religiously divided household.
Myth #3: If the Church were bigger, I wouldn't need to look outside.
No matter how big the Church gets, there will always be an excuse to look elsewhere. There will always be nice people sitting beside you at school and work. Remember this: Satan knows your loneliness and your dilemma. Do you think he wouldn't take every opportunity to exploit that? Satan knows exactly whom you would be attracted to and he knows exactly how to get your attention in this area—even before you do. His goal is to take you out of the Church, so do not underestimate him. Putting God's way first, not your own, requires much faith and strength (2 Corinthians 5:9-10, 15).
Myth #4: If you do not get married right now, you might miss out.
Miss out on what, this life or the next? In Romans 8:18, Paul says, "The sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us." In Matthew 19:29, Jesus tells us that "every one that hath forsaken ...wife, or children, or lands, for my name sake, shall receive an hundredfold, and shall inherit everlasting life" (KJV). God will take care of you. He will not test you beyond what you can handle. You are not the first person to be in this position, and you will not be the last. Hebrews 11:35-40 says that many have had fiery trials and difficulties.
Marriage is a desirable thing, but it is not to be desired more than what it foreshadows: the relationship we will have with Christ. It is not a prerequisite for life or for the Kingdom. It may be hard to believe, but in the long run it won't matter that you did not marry right now. This physical life is only fleetingly temporary.
But temporary doesn't always seem short. Imagine making the wrong choice about a mate. Try to comprehend the rest of your life with double hardships, sorrow, grief and unhappiness, all because you relied on yourself instead of trusting in God.
Marriage may be your goal, but it might not be what God wants for you at this time in your life. Maybe the time isn't right for you—or maybe the time isn't right for the person God has in mind for you.
Myth #5: God will call my unconverted spouse/fiancé/fiancée/close friend.
God is under no obligation to call your mate, especially if you deliberately choose to marry outside the Church. Sometimes God does indeed call unconverted mates, but it is not the norm. There are many members who have attended for years, even decades, whose spouses have not been called or have not responded to a calling.
If you think God is calling the person you're interested in, don't rush into anything. Wait at least a year or two to test the fruits. You probably wouldn't date an alcoholic just because he had joined Alcoholics Anonymous. You'd wait and see if he stuck with it.
An Unequal Yoke
A young man once lamented that he tried everything he could to open the eyes of his girlfriend to see the truth. After all, he had proved the Sabbath day and diligently showed her everything he had learned about the Sabbath. Desperately he tried to share his newfound knowledge, even reading the scriptures out to her, but to no avail. Unconverted people do not appreciate God's way of life (1 Corinthians 2:11, 14). They are of this world and even though they might be interested to come to services once in a while, eventually, when presented with more appealing activities, they drop away.
Reality often sets in when your friend or spouse resents your religion. They see how it consumes you in Bible study, in prayer, in Sabbath activities and tithing, which is often the biggest issue of all. These may not seem like a big deal now, but they will when your spouse asks what and who comes first in your life and possibly asks you to chose between him (or her) and the Church.
Trying to keep worldly practices out of your home becomes an all-consuming balancing act. After all, it's your spouse's home too! Try juggling God's festivals and your mate's practices of Christmas, Easter, Halloween, etc. And then there are the day-to-day issues: toppings on your pizza; the lobster at your anniversary dinner; and the quality of your TV viewing, just to name a few.
These things inevitably strain relationships, even the very best. Satan doesn't have to guess how to pressure you to sin; he actually knows the very holes in your armor. Your unconverted spouse may be a tool Satan may use virtually every single day of your life. This will put a strain on your marriage and may pressure you to compromise.
People outside the Church live off of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, whereas you are striving to live off the tree of life. Simply put, you are not equally yoked. Paul wrote: "Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers, for what fellowship has righteousness with lawlessness? And what communion has light with darkness?" (2 Corinthians 6:14, see also 15-18).
There is a difference between those who are already married to an unbeliever and those who are seeking to be. In 1 Corinthians 7:12-17 Paul addresses the first group of people. They are already yoked to an unbeliever. This passage contains instructions on how to deal with the situation. It is not saying that it is something to be sought, because verse 39 tells these readers to marry in the Church if they ever get a chance to remarry.
Children are also a consideration. God commands us to teach our children about God's way (Deuteronomy 6:6-7). How difficult would that be with an unconverted mate? Rearing children requires two people, teaching and training together, as admonished in Ephesians 6:1-4. It becomes very difficult to teach God's way if your spouse has different values and beliefs.
If you have been single for two, five or even 10 years, marrying outside the Church is like giving up on God to provide a mate for you and settling for second best. It's like Sarah getting Hagar to produce an heir for Abraham. But even after Ishmael was born, they had to wait another 13 years for the promise of a son to be fulfilled. How much happier they (and the rest of the world) would have been if they had only trusted God and patiently waited.
God is not unfair, even though it sometimes feels that way. He will not give us more than we can handle, and He promises to reward us for obeying Him. Matthew 19:29 states that we will receive a hundred times over anything that we give up for His sake. Romans 8:18 says our present sufferings (loneliness and lack of a companion or children) are nothing compared to our future glory.
How Can I Cope Now?
Marriage is not the only way you can live a fuller, richer life, growing in character. Volunteer at church to serve seniors, teens or young children. Volunteering in your community teaches valuable lessons and fills loneliness a great deal.
Develop your talents or further your education. (Although developing your skills and personality can help make you a really attractive person who others would want to marry, the benefits go far beyond that.) Use the Feast to travel and meet brethren from around the world. Adopt a Church family to spend time with. It does help to have the empathetic ear of someone in your congregation. But the best solution of all is to pray. Who better than God to help you through the lonely times, and lead you to the right person at the right time? UN
—The author asked that her name be withheld.
