Sermon Transcript — December 7, 2002
Decisions! Boy, every day we are faced with decisions. Some decisions are rather small and somewhat inconsequential in the grand overview of our lives, such as what to eat for breakfast or what color tie to wear with the suit or what dress to wear to Sabbath services. But other decisions that we are faced with have huge implications that will affect almost everything else we do for the rest of our lives. It has been said, and I would certainly concur, that the most important decision we will ever make is the decision to submit our lives to God and become baptized. This single act represents our commitment to God and our commitment to live according to a certain set of rules that we call God’s law. This decision is logically impacting, then, everything else we do from that moment forward. It is the basis, it is the direction, it is the focus of our life. It forms the framework of everything else that we will do and everything else that we will become.
Now, it has also been said that the second most important decision, the second most important life-affecting decision that a person will make in his lifetime is whom to marry. The decision about whether to marry and then whom to marry will have life-altering consequences. Two lives become inextricably intertwined from that point forward, whether or not they remain married, because becoming unmarried does not remove the impact of the other person upon our lives, especially when children have been produced by that union. I think many would agree that a strong, solid, loving marriage is one of the greatest benefits that God has designed for this physical life. On the other hand, a turbulent, contentious marriage can be one of the greatest woes and heartaches that one can experience. And since marriage is such a life-impacting decision, it would be wise for us to take a look today at the concept of choosing a mate.
How do we go about choosing a mate, the one with whom we would like to spend the rest of our lives? Now, we should pause here to state the obvious; and that is, most of us listening to this message are already married. So it’s a little too late to worry about that one. What do they say? "A day late and a dollar short. Already married–doesn’t apply to me." And yet, while this applies very specifically and directly to those among us that are single, I would like to encourage everyone, whether we are currently married or not, to mentally participate in this sermon, because it’s an important topic. If you’re a parent or a grandparent, you can use this information to help your children, to help your grandchildren, make wise decisions. And, of course, if we think it doesn’t apply, we might keep in mind the unpredictability of this physical life. In other words, we may find ourselves tomorrow or next week or next year, a widow or a widower. It can possibly happen. We might, then, be faced with the possibility of a future marriage or, as some have experienced, due to unfaithfulness or treachery or difficulties such as that, we might find ourselves abandoned by our spouse and thrust back into singleness against our will. That’s happened to others as well. So this material, therefore, that we’ll cover today can and should be relevant to all who are within hearing range of my voice today.
We must also pause to state a few other of what I would hope are obvious points. The first is, we believe marriage to be a good thing. We believe marriage to be a GOOD thing, that most people will chose to become married. Oh, not all, but most. In other words, we do not believe that living together outside of marriage, currently called "cohabitation," formerly called "shacking up" or "fornicating," is a good idea. {It is} a very bad option. It’s not a godly option, and even physically, statistically, {it is} a bad idea. That may be a subject for an entirely different sermon—why shacking up is really bad for you—because every statistic you read about cohabitation outside of marriage, it is ending in ultimate disaster for your life. Your chances of being happy in that relationship are very slim, and you actually damage the ability to have a happy marriage in the future by living together with someone prior to marriage. The statistics are very clear. It’s not from God’s Church, not strictly from the biblical perspective; but simply by looking at human experience, we find the same thing.
We also, I think, obviously would state that we believe that singleness is also a good thing. Singleness is also a good thing, and there is nothing inferior about being unmarried. Many of the great women and men of God were unmarried. There has been, in some cases, maybe even in the Church over the years, a not-so-subtle message that if you’re not married, something’s wrong with you; and the only way to really build character is to marry. I would say, marry the wrong person and I guarantee it will be a character-building institution. There’s no question about that. But there’s nothing inferior about being single, so that might be the subject of another entirely different sermon—being successfully single. So I hope those two points are obvious, and we won’t necessarily take any more time to state them.
What, then, are the key elements for a Christian in selecting a mate? Let’s see if we can isolate certain elements that will help us make wise decisions and increase our chances for a happy and a fulfilling marriage.
The first one, and, frankly, the only one that we’ll have time to talk about today in part 1 of this sermon, is this: The first and most important element in selecting a mate is spiritual compatibility. Spiritual compatibility. As we mentioned in the introduction, the most important decision that we will ever make is the decision to submit our lives to God and to His law and live the rest of our lives according to those principles that God outlines in the Bible. It will affect what we do and how we do it. It will affect what jobs we work and when we work them. It will affect the relationships with those around us. It will become the center and the core of our life.
And if we have that all-important center or core—what for us is the very most important thing in all the world, which is our foundation—if that is the basis for everything we will do, does it make sense to join ourselves together to a person for our entire life who has a different core or center? Has a different foundation? Who makes decisions based upon a shifting or non-existent set of rules or principles? Does that make sense, right off the bat?
Turn with me to Exodus, chapter 34, if you would. There are many instructions in the Bible where God has taught His people about selecting mates, and the first thing He lists is what we list today, that of spiritual compatibility. In other words, that we limit ourselves to potential mates from among those who have the same spiritual center that we do, the same spiritual core, the same conversion, the same belief, the same faith—spiritual compatibility.
Exodus, chapter 34, beginning in verse 11, God, through Moses, instructs His people. He says:
Ex. 34:11 – Observe that which I have commanded you this day. Behold, I drive out before you the Amorite and the Canaanite and the Hittite and the Perizzite and the Hivite and the Jebusite.
God realized that there were individuals who made up these various families that were squatters, we might say, on the land that God had reserved for His people; and now was the time that God would begin to drive these squatters off their land, the land that they were living on, put them off of that and give it to its rightful owner, His people. But He said in verse 12:
Verse 12 – Take heed to yourself, in other words, be careful, watch out. Take heed to yourself, lest you make a covenant with the inhabitants of the land where you go, lest it be a snare in the midst of you.
In other words, don’t bind yourself together in agreements (a covenant is nothing more than an agreement—it’s a contract), don’t bind yourself together with these other groups. Why? Because they have a different spiritual core. He said it’s going to be a snare for you. So He says in verse 13:
Verse 13 – But you shall destroy their altars, break their images, and cut down their groves.
God was not concerned in any way about an ethnic mixing of peoples. He was concerned about a spiritual mixing. This has nothing to do with color of skin, with whether a person was of the same ethnic group of yours or not. It had to do with, was there a spiritual compatibility. And with these groups—the Hittites, the Hivites, the Amorites, the Canaanites, the Perizzites, the Jebusites—they had a different spiritual core, and God said don’t associate with them. Don’t bind yourself together with them. Don’t make a covenant. Of course, one of the most important covenants after baptism is the covenant of marriage. So, in verse 14, He says:
Verses 14-15 – For you shall worship no other god...God begins to indicate that if you bind yourself together with someone of a different spiritual core, there will tend to be the temptation to compromise. For you shall worship no other God, for the Eternal, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God, lest you make a covenant with the inhabitants of the land, and they go a whoring after their gods and do sacrifice unto their gods, and one calls you and you eat of his sacrifice...
Can you understand now, just as a side-light, why it was an issue in the New Testament Church about eating meat offered to idols? Some associated that with this very issue of compromise. But notice what it says in verse 16:
Verses 16-17 – ...and you, if you make these compromises and go a whoring, as it says, after their gods, and you take their daughters unto your sons, and their daughters go a whoring after their gods and make your sons go a whoring after their gods. You shall make you no molten gods.
God realized that if you bind yourself in this ultimately close relationship with someone who has a different spiritual core, it will be very much more difficult for you to stay faithful to the true God. So the first and most important aspect is spiritual compatibility. Do you have the same faith? Do you have the same set of beliefs? That is what God is discussing here. So it’s interesting to note that once we are married, and somewhat prior to that marriage, the most influential physical person in our lives is our spouse. That’s just the way it is, because we’re bound together with them. They can exercise an enormous sway over us, for either good or for bad.
Ever been in a jolly, happy mood and come home to a husband or wife who’s in a real snit? Does that have an effect on us or does it not? You bet it does. Absolutely. God warned Israel not to marry outside the faith because it would carry with it the great likelihood of causing one to compromise on their worship of the true God. It was as simple as that. If we are deeply in love with another person and their spiritual core is different from ours, there will be the temptation tugging at us, maybe gnawing at us, to compromise, to please our spouse, because we naturally want to please our spouse in a marriage relationship.
Notice Deuteronomy, chapter 7. As you know, this generation of Israel was not allowed to go into the Promised Land because of their rebellion against God and their lack of faith, so they were going to march in the wilderness for forty years and camp at various locations; and then, when the next generation readied itself to be taken into the Promised Land by God, God repeats this same instruction, with slightly different wording here in Deuteronomy, chapter 7.
Deut. 7:1 – When the Eternal your God shall bring you into the land where you go to possess it, and has cast out many nations before you...and he lists some of the nations that were then inhabiting the land...the Hittites and the Girgashites and the Amorites and the Canaanites and the Perizzites and the Hivites and the Jebusites, these seven nations that are mightier than you...in other words, "You cannot push them out by your own power. I will have to give you the land."
Verse 2 – ...and when the Eternal your God shall deliver them before you, you shall smite them and utterly destroy them. Now, was God just being cruel and ruthless? Well, no. These poor people were completely mired in paganism, mired in the false worship of the false gods. So by them being destroyed, in this way, they simply will be brought up in the second resurrection and have an opportunity to be taught God’s way of life properly. God was simply putting them out of misery, we might say, in that sense, reserving them for a better time when they will be teachable and they can learn God’s way of life. So He says to utterly destroy them. Then He repeats that instruction in the end of verse 2, You shall make no covenant with them nor show mercy to them. Don’t bind yourself in an agreement of peace because you’ll find yourself being swayed.
Verses 3-4 – Neither shall you make marriages with them. Making marriages with enemy nations in ancient times was a very common practice. If I, as a king, wanted to have peace with you as a neighboring king, we’d marry off our children together because then I’m not going to come and attack you because you’ve got my grandkids over there and my great grandkids and my great-great grandkids. We’re all related. We’re all family. God says don’t do that. Don’t make peace this way. Neither shall you make marriages with them. Your daughter shall you not give unto his son, nor his daughter shall you take unto your son, for...why? Why? They will turn away your son from following Me, that they may serve other gods, so will the anger of the Eternal be kindled against you and destroy you suddenly.
So, while God gave this instruction to ancient Israel, it applies to us today as Christians. If we are a Christian, God, likewise, has called us to be a holy people. We’re told as much in the book of I Peter, that "you are a holy nation, a peculiar, a chosen people." And we’re supposed to be reflecting God’s character and God’s way. We’re supposed to be setting an example of God’s way of life to others. So God seems to be asking here, "Why would you want to mix and dilute what I have called you to be? Why would you want to bind that together with someone who is not of the same spiritual core, of the same faith?"
Now, if we think, "Well, that can’t happen to me. I could marry someone outside of the faith and then draw them to the truth." Notice I Kings, chapter 11. Here is just one example that we could refer to of an individual who went against the instruction we just read in Exodus 34 and Deuteronomy 7 and found that rather than drawing his wife—or in this case, wives—to his way of thinking, he found himself being worn down; and over the course of time, the hassle of staying pure was just too great, and he gave in. I Kings, chapter 11, and the first four verses describe what happened to Solomon.
I Kings 11:1-2 – But King Solomon loved many strange women...at least that’s the way the King James says it. Now, it’s not that he looked at all these women and said, "Man, is that a strange woman!" Wonder why he loves her? It means foreign women, women of other tribes. Solomon seemed, apparently, to have taken on that same line of reasoning, that if I have the daughter of some of these kings as a part of my harem, there’s much less likelihood for war. Solomon loved many strange women, together with, or in addition to or besides, the daughter of Pharaoh: women of the Moabites, Ammonites, Edomites, Sidonians, and Hittites...in other words, some of those very nations that we just read about...of the nations concerning which the Eternal had said unto the children of Israel, "You shall not go in to them, neither shall they come in to you." Some feel that refers to being married. Others seem to think it refers simply to sexual relations. And I will pause to say that when you have sex with someone, you are changed for life, and so are they. You are changed for life. We can talk about that more at another time, but an indelible difference is made now in your life; and this is why we encourage our young people so strongly to please, do yourself such a favor and wait until your wedding night to enjoy each other in that way because you will regret it for the rest of your lives if you do not.
Solomon went in unto these. God said, "Don’t do it. Don’t have them for your wives," and Solomon disobeyed.
Verse 2 (continuing) – For surely they will turn away your hearts after their gods. That’s why God said don’t do it. In other words, it wasn’t an ethnic issue. It was a religious issue. Do not marry women or men of other spiritual cores, of other faiths, because it will turn your heart away, in all likelihood; and if we think that it wouldn’t apply to us, "I’m strong enough," Solomon was apparently the wisest man to ever live—but not necessarily the strongest in character—and he fell to that temptation. It says, Solomon clung unto these in love, whereas God said, "Cleave to Me with all your heart and your mind and your soul, not to these other women." He did it up big. Verse 3 – And he had seven hundred wives, princesses, and three hundred concubines in this huge harem; and his wives turned away his heart, exactly as God said would happen. God knows human nature much better than you and I. Now, we might say, "Well, I have God’s Spirit. This couldn’t happen to me." Did it ever happen to anyone in the Church before? Ever seen this kind of thing happen? We’ll talk more about that later. I have.
Verses 4-6 – For it came to pass when Solomon was old, that his wives turned away his heart after other gods, and I would dare say it doesn’t take seven hundred wives to do that. All it takes is one wife or one husband. That’s all it takes...and his heart was not perfect with the Eternal his God, as was the heart of his father David. For Solomon went after Ashtoreth the goddess of the Sidonians, and after Milcom the abomination of the Ammonites. Solomon did evil in the sight of the Eternal, and went not fully after the Eternal, as did David his father. And I would guarantee you anyone who chooses, then, to marry outside of the faith will not be able to fully follow the Eternal. Won’t be able to do it. There will always be a drag. Ask anyone who is in that circumstance, and that’s not to criticize those who are. But ask if that isn’t a drag on their spiritual life, on their keeping of the Sabbath, on their keeping of the holy days, on their teaching of the children.
Now, we might mention that God knows, as I said earlier, our human nature better than we do. He knows how we can be influenced by a spouse. We read how Solomon fell prey to that. When sexual relations are involved, those feelings are very strong; and when they are mixed together with, "I’d like you to do this," or, "I’d like you to do that," or, "Please, won’t you do this," or, "Please, won’t you do that," it’s a very powerful thing for human beings. From time to time we may see people who, maybe in loneliness or in temptation, get emotionally involved with someone outside the faith. We watch them, then, go through an enormous mental struggle. An enormous mental struggle does follow because the person finds himself having to choose between faithfulness to God or the emotional reward and benefit of a companion. Often it comes down to one or the other. You may know of individuals from years gone by who are no longer in the fellowship of God’s Church because of just this very situation. They got emotionally involved with someone of a different spiritual core, and those emotions carried them away from faithfulness to God. So we may all know individuals like Solomon who chose incorrectly and chose the physical relationship over faithfulness to God and His way of life and put their eternal lives in grave danger.
Now, we might pause here to say that those who have been called into the truth when already married and find that God has not called their spouse, it does not mean they cannot have a happy marriage. It does not mean they should split from their unbelieving spouse, because we understand it’s God’s decision to call whom He will; and if He has not called our spouse at this time, even though He has called us, there is probably some reason for that. While that kind of marriage brings with it numerous challenges, it can still be a happy and productive marriage in that circumstance. But to voluntarily place ourselves into that circumstance by our own decision rather than by God’s call would certainly be to contradict the three sections of scriptures that we have just read. One is God’s decision; the other is our decision. I think we can see the difference. Mixed marriages often lead to one spouse compromising his or her beliefs and convictions in order to keep peace inside the family. And, again, all we have to do is speak to individuals who today have that challenge on their plate and ask, "Has there been a situation where you have compromised and wished you didn’t? Compromised on a Sabbath issue or a holy day issue or teaching the kids or participating in paganisms or whatever it might be?" It’s a grave and difficult struggle.
If you will turn with me to Ezra, chapter 9. Again, if God has called you as a married person into the truth and He has not called your spouse, so be it. We have to face the challenges that that brings, keep peace the best we can, and, hopefully, preserve that marriage and, by our example, help our spouse to one day be converted. But, again, to voluntarily place ourselves into that arrangement rather than God placing us in that arrangement would be a mistake. Ezra, chapter 9, and verse 1. The background of the book of Ezra, of course, is that the Jews had been in captivity for some seventy years; and now, after having or displaying an attitude somewhat of repentance, God showed them favor and released them from captivity in Babylon. Then they were able to travel back to the area of Judea and Jerusalem and dwell there once again, to begin to rebuild the temple and reestablish their nationhood in the area of Judea. And, so, of course, they were very concerned that the issues that seemed to lead them into captivity would not be repeated again. They didn’t want to go back into captivity for disobedience to God; and if you remember, there were two primary issues that were noted time and time again as the reason for God sending them into captivity. Those two reasons were Sabbath breaking and idolatry. Now, what have we just read in regard to idolatry in Exodus 34 and Deuteronomy 7? Do not marry outside the faith because, what will happen? Your foreign wives or husbands will lead you away from the true God and into idolatry. So you can understand, then, during the time of Ezra and Nehemiah, during this reconstruction period, why this, then, would become a big issue. It was seen as the first step in leading away from God and into idolatry.
Ezra 9:1 – When these things were done, the princes came to me, saying, "The people of Israel and the priests and the Levites have not separated themselves from the peoples of the lands, doing according to their abominations, even...guess who!...the Canaanites, the Hittites, the Perizzites, the Jebusites, the Ammonites, the Moabites, the Egyptians, and the Amorites. Some of the same groups we’ve heard for the last 1500 years now. Don’t get yourself involved in their religious practices because they will draw you away from the true God.
Verse 2 -- "For they have taken of their daughters for themselves and their sons, so that the holy seed have mingled themselves with the peoples of those lands. Again, it was not an ethnic issue. It was a religious issue. Yes, the hands of the princes and rulers have been chief in this trespass." So even after the captivity, we saw that the tendency is, without being careful, to mix ourselves with those of a different spiritual core, and God warned the Israelites (in this case, the Jews that had repopulated the area), not to do that because they will lead them away from Him. They saw this as a first step into idolatry.
Now, let’s move this into the 1900's, into the 2000's here. Who does
God in the New Testament call a holy nation, or, as Ezra would put it, the holy
seed, the holy group, the holy family? The Church of God. So, would not the
same principle, then, apply? In essence, you are the holy seed if you have God’s
Spirit. You are, as Peter says, the holy nation. God has called you for a special
purpose. Wouldn’t we, then, want to produce physical family units that
maintain this spiritual integrity? Don’t we want to be able to train children
and grandchildren and great grandchildren in the ways of God and hope that they
will take it for themselves and live it? Well, of course we would. We should
pause to note, again, that God’s concern was not regarding marrying someone
of a different racial group. His concern was of marrying someone of a different
faith, because it would lead us away from true worship of Him.
Now, some will stop and say, "Well, look, that’s Old Testament stuff.
That applied to ancient Israel, but it doesn’t apply in the same way today."
Well, if you would, turn to I Corinthians, chapter 7, to reestablish
that spiritual compatibility is the first issue in selecting a mate. I
Corinthians 7, beginning in verse 39, right down to
the last two verses of the chapter. Sorry we don’t have more time to cover
the entirety of this chapter. Maybe another time we could, but for the purpose
today, we’ll simply look at verse 39, where it says:
I Cor. 7:39 – A wife is bound by law as long as her husband lives; but if her husband is dead, she is free to be married to whomever she will...then the all-important last phrase, only in the Lord.
In other words, a wife or a husband is bound for life. That’s why the marriage ceremony says, "Until death do us part." But if death happens to occur, then that agreement is over because death has occurred, until death parts us. Death has occurred. So the instance, of course, here describes a wife who is married to an unbelieving husband, and Paul says, "No, ladies, you are bound as long as your husband lives, but if your husband dies, then you are free to remarry whomever you’d like, BUT they must be in the Lord." In other words, they must be of the faith. They must be a believer. The New American Standard renders it this way: "A wife is bound as long as her husband lives, but if her husband is dead, she is free to be married to whom she wishes, only in the Lord." The New International says, "A woman is bound to her husband as long as he lives, but if her husband dies, she is free to marry anyone she wishes, but he must belong to the Lord." In other words, God may have called you but not your spouse—that is no reason to end that marriage of and by itself. If that spouse, then, dies, you are free to remarry but should only marry within the faith, a fellow believer. So, while these instructions are clearly written to a widow, the same principle applies to someone who is single and seeking to be married. Paul confirms God’s desire that those who are converted and possess God’s Holy Spirit should seek to marry only someone who is also converted and possesses God’s Holy Spirit.
If you turn over to II Corinthians, chapter 6, we’ll read verse 14. We read here, Paul writes:
II Cor. 6:14 – Be you not unequally yoked together with unbelievers. Interestingly, the King James language would be "yoked together." It is also interesting to note that this was a physical analogy of a spiritual principle. If you have two oxen, you can expect a certain amount of work out of one of those animals and a certain amount of work out of the other animal. But if they’re yoked together properly and the yoke fits right, it is matched and the animals are matched, those two animals can actually produce more work, pull more weight than adding the two singles together because they’re yoked together in a proper manner. They can accomplish more. They are more productive. Interestingly, Paul says, "Do not be unequally yoked..." You can picture that. You’ve got a three-foot cow and a four-foot cow. How are you going to have the two of those cows pull the same load? How about yoking together a cow and a mule, for example. It’s been noted that cows can’t even stand a mule’s breath and will actually pull away from the mule instead of the direction that they’re being asked to go. So if you’re married to a mule... Now, I’m kidding. That’s not the analogy we’re looking for. I see several people nodding their heads. I won’t say who, but, Pam, stop that, would you! Do not become unequally yoked together with unbelievers. The word "be" can just as easily be translated "become." Don’t become unequally yoked together with unbelievers. For what fellowship has righteousness with unrighteousness? And what communion has light with darkness?
The New American Standard says it this way, "Do not be bound together with unbelievers." It’s the same principle that God talks about back in Exodus 34 and Deuteronomy 7. Do not bind yourself into a close relationship with someone who is an unbeliever because it will automatically bring about difficulties and challenges and problems; and, more likely than not, it will influence us to compromise. Do not bind yourself together with an unbeliever.
The New American Standard Version says in verse 15, "What harmony has Christ with Belial, or what has a believer in common with an unbeliever?" So a believer should not bind him or herself into a relationship which would adversely affect his or her covenant relationship with God, and a marriage is about as strong a yoke as this life produces. That’s why we sometimes refer to marriage as "getting hitched," because we are bound together. And that person, no matter how long we might stay married, will affect the rest of our lives. We are tied together.
When Paul uses the term "believer," he simply is speaking of someone who has been called by God, who has been converted, who has been baptized, who is a member of the body of Christ, the Church of Christ. He or she is a Christian, one who follows Christ, a possessor of the Holy Spirit. We could turn to many scriptures that describe that. You might want to jot down Romans 8, verse 9, which simply says, "If you have not the spirit of God, you are none of His." We are not a Christian unless we possess the Spirit of God. That makes us a believer, possessing the Spirit of God. A believer is not just a nice person, because there are lots of nice people out there. A believer is not someone who is a good guy or gal, who attends the church each Sunday that they like. That’s not a believer.
Acts, chapter 2, shows us that a believer is one who is repentant, who has been baptized, and then they received the promise of God’s Holy Spirit. So a believer is one who possesses God’s Holy Spirit. If one does not yet know what to repent of, if they don’t understand God’s law and what breaking God’s law is, they really can’t repent yet, and they can’t receive God’s Spirit, as nice a person as they might be.
An unbeliever, on the other hand, is the opposite of a believer—one who does not have God’s Spirit, one who has not been converted, one who does not possess God’s Spirit in their mind. We are either one or the other. We’re either a believer, a possessor of God’s Holy Spirit, or we’re an unbeliever, one who does not possess God’s Holy Spirit. Now, there is a category in between, I might mention. Christ said about the apostles before they received the Holy Spirit, before they became technically a believer, they were a "tweener." Christ said, "The Holy Spirit is WITH you but shall be IN you." They were a "tweener." They were in between being an unbeliever, in the process of being made into a believer. Some of you might be in that circumstance, where God is working with your mind, opening it to the truth, calling you, converting you, convicting you of the truth; and you’re on your way toward baptism and the actual receiving of God’s Spirit. So we might say, there are unbelievers, there are "tweeners," and there are believers. But we’re told not to bind ourselves together with an unbeliever.
So with what we have covered to this point, there seems to be no question that the scriptures teach us to marry within the faith, that spiritual compatibility is the first and foremost factor that we start with in choosing a spouse. Now, once that statement is made and those scriptures are read and those scriptures are understood, there are still several real-life issues that unmarried individuals within the Church of God, within the faith, have to deal with. In discussing this concept with many of our teens over the past few years, there are several questions that come up, several logical things, several real-life arguments, we might say, or worries or statements that I’d like to address at this point.
Some people say, "Well, yeah, I think it would be nice to marry somebody in the Church, but I don’t think that it’s necessary. It would be nice to be married to someone in the faith, but it’s not, maybe, possible." Here are some of the things you might hear. "Just because two people are in the Church, ‘in the Church,’ does not mean that they are compatible and will be happily married." Is that true? Absolutely true. Just because two people are IN the Church does not mean they are compatible and will be happily married. Absolutely true. We’re not saying that all you have to do is find somebody else who sits in this room and marry them and you’ll be so happy, you can’t believe it. Oh yeah! Look around! Not true!
I remember counseling a married couple back in the early 80s. Now, you might wonder why a 24-year-old newlywed was counseling about marriage at that time anyway, and I do, too, sometimes; but, nonetheless, they were married in 1972 under the assumption that Christ would return in 1975. Literally they told me, "We were under the impression that you could live with anybody for three years." Well, they could for three years, but now it was thirteen years, and, "All of a sudden, we realize we have nothing in common. We never really liked each other. What do we do now?" So simply because two people are in the Church does not mean they are compatible and will be happily married. This is why we list spiritual compatibility as the FIRST criteria, but not the ONLY criteria for spouse selection. There are many other issues that need to be addressed following this first issue. That’s why this is part 1 of the topic.
Well, the truth remains that spiritual compatibility should be the first thing we look at and what we are willing to wait for God to provide, in His time.
Another statement you may have heard goes something like this: "I’ve seen Church members get divorced." Is that a true statement? Yes. Of course it’s a true statement. God says He hates divorce, but He doesn’t outlaw divorce. So simply because some in the Church have been divorced, should we base our decision for our life on the failures of someone else’s life? And, of course, the answer is no. Simply because some in the Church have been divorced, others’ failure should not be the reason for me making a poor decision for my life. Marrying in the faith is not a guarantee that there will be marital bliss from this time forward. There are many factors at work, such as baggage from our past. If I, as a husband, have been severely physically abused as a youngster, whether or not I now possess God’s Spirit, I will struggle with the effects of that treatment and have to be sure to watch myself not to pass it on to my family. Real Christians struggle with real issues. Some factors are at work, such as spiritual letdown. Things were fine at first, but one spouse or the other stops praying, stops studying, lets down their spiritual relationship with God. Marriages can crumble in those circumstances. Some might cave in to temptation, lack self-control, etc., etc., etc. Lots of reasons marriages fail. But, again, others’ failures should not be the basis for us justifying a decision to search for a mate outside the faith, contrary to what the scriptures instruct us.
A third thing you might have heard: "There’s nobody in the Church for me." In other words, we might say, the field is limited. Is that a true statement? Yes, that’s true. That is absolutely true. The field IS limited. We have to face that fact, that there are fewer people to choose from in regard to marriage when we limit ourselves to those of the faith. That is limiting, no question about it; but is there not the place, then, where patient faith in God must be exercised? And I would say that certainly is true. When we feel there is nobody in the Church for me, that the field is limited, that may be true; and that’s where patient faith in God must be exercised. We must truly believe that God has our best interests in mind and that if we pray earnestly about it, He will bring the right person into our life at the appropriate time—the right person who has the same spiritual core that we do. We don’t have to go out and find someone, bring them to the Church, hope that they take on this spiritual core so we can marry them. We trust God to provide for us at the right time, that He will provide the perfect person for us at the right time, to be the team that is necessary to serve Him.
As another point this afternoon...on the way back from Youngstown, because one of the singles there said, "Do you know what? There’s another point here I’d like to add." Let me give you my fourth one and then I’ll give you his. You might have heard this: "My unconverted spouse will be converted by my example." In other words, I can marry someone outside the faith because my excellent example will convert them." And that’s simply not true. God calls. We cannot. God converts. We cannot. We should not presume to try to force God’s hand to call who we want to marry. He doesn’t work that way.
Now, while marriages between members and nonmembers have worked out on occasion, I can guarantee you, in my twenty years of experience, this is not the usual outcome; and one should not enter a marriage with an unbeliever with any illusion about the real and potential difficulties that must be faced.
The individual this morning said, "You know, there’s another one that I’ve struggled with and reasoned around and had to come out of reasoning around—the instruction that Paul says, that ‘it is better to marry than to burn.’" He said, "There was a time in my life that I really was burning, and I was saying to myself, ‘It would be better marry someone outside the Church, outside of the faith, outside of the truth, than it would be to have this constant struggle.’ But," he said, "the more I prayed about that and the more I thought about that, the more I realized, boy, that would be a bad idea, that I might get some physical relief but I would have mental agony from that time forward."
Ask anyone who has married outside the faith or is married outside the faith,
and I could pretty well (if I were a betting man), bet you that they’ll
tell you that their marriage might be reasonably happy; but when you don’t
share the heart and the core of your life, your relationship with God, your
pursuit of the Kingdom, your hope of the resurrection, there are not just limits
or alterations upon your physical schedule in practice that must be made, but
there’s a huge hole and void in your life that comes from not being able
to truly share the most important thing in life with your spouse, and that is
your faith. There is a huge hole here. That’s just the way it is.
What action steps can we take this week in regard to this subject? The first
one is this:
Action steps: If you are single, resolve now to marry within the faith. There will be many temptations to do otherwise, to date, to marry outside the faith, to find a nice person and hope that God converts them. All those are thoughts. If you’re single, resolve today to marry within the faith.
Second action step: Encourage someone who has an unconverted spouse. Make it a point this week sometime to give a call, to drop a note to one of your brothers or sisters who finds themselves married to an "unbeliever," because they need encouragement. They need to know that others understand that sometimes it’s awfully hard to deal with that circumstance. Not that the marriage is miserable or difficult in that respect, but we’re missing something huge when we cannot share the truth. I was speaking with one individual recently about this topic, and she said, "You know, the thing I want to do most at the end of the Sabbath day is to go home and tell my unconverted spouse, my husband, all about what I talked about at services, what the sermon was about; and there is no interest whatsoever." And that’s such a huge hole, such a void. So, encourage someone who has an unbelieving spouse or one not of the faith.
And the third thing, third action step I’d like to encourage all of us to participate in this week is: Pray for our singles. Set aside some time this week to pray for our singles, for our young people. I believe we’re entering a time harder than ever before to be a faithful single person before God because of the immense pressures that our society is putting on singles to participate in immoral behavior. It’s a very difficult time to be single, so, please, this week pray for our singles. They’ve got some additional struggles that they have to deal with.
So, brethren, in conclusion, we’ve had time today only to cover the first principle in selecting a mate, the vital importance of spiritual compatibility. In part 2, we’ll go on to discuss other vital dimensions of this life-altering decision of selecting a mate.