Sermon Transcript — November 6, 2004
I'd like to read for you from "What the Preacher Says." His name is Solomon and these are his words as it opens up a topic that I'd like to share with you today. He said,
Ecclesiastes 4:9 - "Two are better than one, Because they have a good reward for their labor.
Verse 10 - "For if they fall, one will lift up his companion. But woe to him that is alone when he falls, for he has no one to help him up.
Verse 11 - "Again, if two lie together, then they have heat: But how can one be warm alone?
Verse 12 - "And if one prevails against him, two shall withstand him; and a threefold cord is not quickly broken." Ecclesiastes tells us that the synergistic relationship between two human beings produces a fantastic result when it is done properly.
Today I'd like to talk about an area, and probably I'm going to go meddling today, in an area called marriage and the relationship of this synergistic approach to marriage. Because if we look at it, we see that it produces fantastic results for a lifetime of understanding the team relationship between God the Father and Jesus Christ, and the relationship between Jesus Christ and the Church, and the relationship that should be between a husband and his wife.
God's original design for mankind is to work together, human beings working together. Jesus amplified this in Matthew 19, if you'd like to turn there this afternoon and begin to evaluate this particular statement that Christ made. It amplifies marriage, but it also amplifies the concept of a team relationship between God the Father and Jesus Christ, between Jesus and the Church, and between two human beings in marriage. He goes on to tell us in Matthew 19:3 (New King James Version.) It says -
Verse 3 - "The Pharisees also came to Him, testing Him, and saying to Him, 'Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for just any reason?'
Verse 4 - "And He answered and (He) said to them, 'Have you not read that He who made them at the beginning made them male and female,
Verse 5 - "And said, 'For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and (shall) be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh'?
Verse 6 - " 'So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate.' " So we see that Jesus is beginning to amplify a concept, and we're going to see a little bit later that it has to also do with Christ and the Church and with members of the body of Jesus Christ one with another as well.
So we're looking at marriage, and we're saying look at marriage because if tells us some things we need to understand about the spiritual relationship between human beings in God's church and in the family of God. Jesus amplified the Genesis text.
First, He clarified the view of marriage, that it is God's intention and it is God's design. He emphasized the idea of two becoming one. It is not as if they are to become one blob or the fact is one loses their identity or both lose their identity, rather the two form one highly prized identity of "us" that is to be nurtured and protected.
So, we begin to understand that marriage teaches the very same thing between Christ and the Church and that we do not become a blob in relationship to Jesus Christ, but we have an identity with him and with God, the Father, that is highly prized. And that that is to be nurtured just as we nurture the one in marriage.
So, what I'm going to do today is I'm going to use marriage as the principle and let you take it if you are a single person and apply it a little differently. Or if you're an individual who is looking to understand how to become married and how to develop that relationship, again it's part of the principle of becoming one.
The heart of commitment and dedication in marriage is expressed in three broad themes: choice, permanence, and oneness. Let me repeat that. The heart of commitment and dedication in marriage is expressed in three broad themes of making choices, coming to realize that it is a permanent thing, and that there is a oneness that is to be developed. But there is one characteristic, there is one characteristic in human beings which kill a budding romance, which kill the desires of human beings. It is one of those things that people don't realize how much of it is still there in human beings, and that is simply called selfishness.
So, today what I would like to do is I would like to look at "Marriage Killer # 5," the last one that I'm going to be giving in this series of sermons that I'm giving. As my wife says, "Thank God." And because I think we realize that we need to go on to something else, but I think it's good for us to understand that selfishness is in all human beings, and we all have it to one degree or another. In fact, we realize that, living in the last days, it is heightened by the reality of what this society is teaching.
The apostle Paul tells us in II Timothy 3:1-2 that:
II Timothy 3:1 "... in the last days perilous times will come (there would be perilous times,)" and that the first characteristic that you would see in men going their own way would be that:
Verse 2 - "...Men would (shall) be lovers of their own selves (themselves) to the point that it would be an extraordinary desire to serve and to give and to put self forward as a human being.
God created the basic drives. He created the basic needs of all human beings, and if you go back and you read some of the works by a man named Abraham Maslow, he talks about a pyramid of needs. He shows that there are basically five things that drive human beings or needs within those human beings, and those characteristics are in all human beings. Some to a greater degree than others. Some are able to be developed in a greater way than with others, but we find that so many of those good drives and those basic needs are either perverted or twisted or maligned in such a way that we see it having a tremendous effect upon the personality of a human being. And so we recognize that in the "me" society, "you first after me" attitude, we find in the twenty-first century a terribly difficult situation.
And you know we've talked about this before, but again we want to go back and we want to look at the whole concept that Jesus was talking about. About becoming one flesh, not from the point of view of the sexual relationship, but from the personality, the mental and the emotional relationship that is to be developed between two human beings.
I'd like you to go to the book of James with me for a moment, James 3, and we see that this was a problem back in the days of James and it's a problem that we will face at the time of the end because of the "me" society. This is James 3:13, the apostle James writes the following words:
James 3:13 - He said that, "Who is a wise man and endued with knowledge among you? let him show by (out of a) good conduct that his works (are done) with meekness of wisdom." But he said,
Verse 14 - "But if you have bitter envying and strife in your hearts, glory not, and lie not against the truth." He says,
Verse 15 - "This (kind of) wisdom descends not from above, but is earthly, (it is) sensual...," that means the five basic, human senses and it's that human drive that tends to pervert and go off on its own and does not follow the principles of God. It goes on to tell you that it's "...devilish" as well, the last part of verse 15. It simply says that you can set yourself up to be a tool of Satan and selfishness is certainly one of his characteristics that he programs and he broadcasts to human beings.
Verse 16 - "For where envying and strife is, there is confusion and every evil work." Now the NEW AMERICAN STANDARD BIBLE translates it a little differently. He says, "For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there is disorder and every evil thing." So we begin to see that this selfishness, this particular characteristic in human beings makes for, as it says, "confusion, strife." It makes for arguments and fights because it's the "me, my, I, myself" type concept. "The New King James Version," if you have one in front of you, it says, "For where envy and self-seeking exist, confusion and every evil thing are there."
There's an interesting book that I read during the times when we were dealing with servant leadership and developing some of the themes in servant leadership and I'd like to read to you just a paragraph of it because I think it depicts what James is talking about here. He goes on to say here on page forty-four. The book is written by Gene Wilkes and the title of the book is JESUS ON LEADERSHIP. It's a very good book to show the principles that Christ gave to us in the four gospels, so I'm just going to read one paragraph of it.
He goes on to say here, "Pride is the opposite of humility and God-centered confidence. Pride is the inflated view of who we really are." And of course we begin to understand that selfishness is an offshoot of this particular frame of mind. It is arrogant. It is self-worship. It is God, spelled ego.
Ken Blanchard, co-author of THE ONE MINUTE MANAGER reminds that ego stands for edging God out.
He goes on to say that, "When we start to get a distorted image of our own importance and see ourselves as the center of the universe we really lose touch with who we are as children of God. This distorted image of our own importance keeps us out of the lives of others and focuses on what we alone want and think we need."
He goes on to say, he said, "As a pastor I've had the hard job of working with people whose marriages are falling apart. No divorce comes in an instant. It takes two people and sometimes years of events for a marriage relationship to fall apart. When I finally get to meet with the couples, things are usually pretty bad. I have observed over the years that more times than not one of the partners has developed a self-protective attitude. The entire conversation is about him and what he deserves and what she has not done for him and how she" and so on and so on and so on.
I am not a trained counselor, but I can tell the difference between someone who is protecting himself and someone who is willing to reconcile the situation. The difference evolves around the person's ego. God can't work out that relationship until both people are willing to take the "I" out of the conversation and serve the needs of their partner. God will not work with them until both lay down their egos and humbly care for the other. Ego blocks God's work, humility opens the door for reconciliation. A very, very prime statement that I think even Jesus talks about, about humbling yourself.
Now James says the same thing as we've just been reading.
Verse 16 - Again, "for where envying and strife is, there is confusion and every evil work." Why? Because verse 14 says that we have this jealous and selfish ambition that drives human beings so many times and the world revolves around that person instead of working together as a team. So we recognize first and foremost the cause of some of the problems that we will face.
Over in the book of Philippians 2, let's go and read a little bit more about this particular attitude and then I'm going to give you two steps today in dealing with the problem. Two simple steps, but I think they are important steps in the development of a working team of man and wife and between you and another member of God's church or many members of God's church in this human relationship. This is - Philippians 2:3-4; we read this before. I've talked about it many times about servant leadership. He said in -
Verse 3 - "Let nothing be done through strife" or contention or factional motives that go on between human beings, "or vain glory" conceit, empty arrogance, self-will, human desire. He's talking about all of those things there in those two words, "strife and vain glory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem the other(s) better than themselves." So, we begin to understand that this whole concept of strife and vain glory has to do with "I" being put forward. And when we begin to understand the concept of team, you have to begin to understand that the esteeming of another person and their needs begins to break this selfishness that occurs among human beings.
Notice - Verse 4 - "...look not every man only on his own things," and I'm reading what the actual Greek seems to indicate, "but every man also on the things of others." The NEW AMERICAN STANDARD BIBLE translates it this way: "Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind let each of you regard one another as more important than himself; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others." And again we begin to see the foundation for what I want to talk about today in the sense of building this particular team, building this particular approach in marriage, of becoming one flesh.
There was a man named Dr. Victor Frankel. Many of you have heard his name. He was a psychiatrist who also was a survivor of the concentration camp during World War II. During the time that he spent in the concentration camp he came to the conclusion that even though virtually all of his power and all of his rights had been removed from him, that even his physical life, which was totally under the control of his captors; one thing no one could take away from him was his ability to choose how he would respond to circumstances. I think that's a very interesting point in a number of areas when we look at our mental frame of mind. He recognized that no one could take away from him his ability to choose how he would respond to circumstances. He was determined that in that one way he was going to have control over his own human life.
Years later while he was giving a lecture, he spoke about another theme he felt strongly about. He commented that the human eye could only see outward; it cannot see inside to the inner workings of the body. The point was that he was developing and that was that morality is based on looking outward. That morality is based, and I'm speaking about human morality. I'm not talking about BIBLE principles. I'm simply talking about human beings coming to a set of values or morality.
He said that developing that morality is based on looking outward, away from self, he said. The opposite, he said, of selfishness. He said also that he believed that the goal of being a moral person was "liberating self from selfishness." Believe it or not, that's probably one of the most damaging aspects of human nature that we face and that is selfishness. He said simply that a moral person was striving then to be liberated from self, or selfishness.
He also said in his book that he felt that resisting our nature or our natural tendency to be selfish is the highest form of freedom. Now this is profound because he's not going to the BIBLE to tell you what I'm going to show you that we've read for years in the BIBLE. This is what "the book" says. It's been saying that to us for forty, fifty, sixty years if we've been studying what it says. But he pointed out that each time we make an effort to help another person, with a desire or a motive of empathy and genuine concern, we begin to free ourselves from that prison of selfishness. Interesting, isn't it? Frankel saw, through his human experiences, a law at work.
Let's go over to Acts 20. We've read it, as I often say, "a dozen, hundred times, haven't we?" Acts 20:32 - It tells you the same thing. It was said by Jesus Christ, it was written by the Apostle Paul, and it's the same principle that he came to as a result of living in a concentration camp where all of his rights, all of his ability to live, all of the controls that he had over his life were taken away except for that one thing. The ability to choose how he would handle his circumstances. This is Acts 20:32 - He said,
Verse 32 - "And now, brethren, I commend you to God, and to the word of his grace, which is able to build you up, and to give you an inheritance among all of those (them) who are sanctified.
Verse 33 - "I have coveted no man's silver, or gold, or apparel.
Verse 34 - "And you yourselves know, that these hands have ministered to my necessities, and to them that were with me.
Verse 35 - "I have shown you all things, that so laboring you ought to support the weak..." That is again an outreach. That is again that whole concept of being liberated from self or selfishness; the whole idea of the effort to help another person with that desire of empathy and genuine concern. "...And to remember the words of the Lord Jesus, how (that) He said, It is more blessed to give than to receive."
What did He just say? He just simply said that when you begin to look outside of yourself you begin to be liberated from this terrible aspect of human nature, which is all toward me and I. The I-ism. Can we understand that when we do this in marriage that it produces profound results that removes us from the selfishness that has been programmed to us from the time that we were little children. Here's the principle. "It is more blessed to give than to receive."
Hey, Dr. Frankel, "If you read the BIBLE it was right there." I'm not sure what he read, but this is what "the book" said. He came to see through his human experiences a law that is in the universe. A law that is in this earth, a law that God has sustained from the beginning. That "it is more blessed to give than to receive." Let's go over to Luke 6:38. We're still talking about the beginning principles again of this thing of selfishness. This is Luke 6:38. Jesus said the following, only one verse -
Verse 38 - "Give, and it shall be given unto you." Isn't that interesting? It's simply the law of sowing and reaping. We know that. "Whatsoever a man sows, that's also what he's going to reap." This is what Jesus said. "Give, and it's going to come back to you." And it goes on to say, "... good measure, pressed down, and shaken together, and running over, shall men give into your bosom. For with the same measure that you mete with all, it shall be measured unto you again."
Can we begin to see how marriage can be a wonderful way to learn how to free ourselves from this prison of selfishness? Is it possible that we can understand that one of the concepts of becoming one flesh has to do with the deliverance from this wretched aspect of human nature? I think so, because isn't that what we're supposed to learn?
God created man with the ability that if he does carry this out in the way that it says here and over in Acts 20 and many other places that we could go to, we see that God will bring about a tremendous result in that which is called marriage, that which is called fellowship with the brethren, that which is called service, all of these words that you can use outside of marriage. But marriage has been that one wonderful union or institution that God has said that allows us to learn some things, some wonderful things.
God created man with the will to relate. There is in the heart of every human being a powerful longing for a meaningful relationship with at least one other person. For some the longing is conscious; it is a conscious awareness. For others it remains unconscious, felt only by a loneliness or an absence of meaning in life. This is true.
I've met many hermits. Met them out on baptizing tours. They had no one to relate to, and they were so turned in and turned off. They didn't know why they hurt so badly inside, and yet when some of them found their way into the church they began to find that human beings cared for them, and they began to get outside of themselves and they found out why they felt so lonely. Now in many cases they never married, but they began to find friendships, they began to find the ability to have a give and take relationship with someone, and they began to have greater meaning in their lives because they saw the need to get outside of themselves.
This need to relate, this will to relate, this hunger is a part of being human with deep roots in mans long infancy and childhood. It starts way back then with that which God has created. Personality is formed and deformed in relationships. This is why the church should be an important part of our lives. That's why we should be here every Sabbath Day to serve God and to be with Him and His children, our brothers and sisters. That's why the Sabbath services become so important because you get outside of yourself, you begin to receive and give, receive and give, give and receive. It becomes a part of a person's needs are there, and they are fulfilled, and the person needs others in order to become a full person.
Now what I said in the beginning was a good marriage offers one of the most favorable opportunities in our culture for fulfilling the will to relate. I didn't say only marriage, I'm simply saying one of, so I'm not trying to get people married, I'm only trying to show you that in that relationship that can be so.
Marriage is intended to be one of the one intimate relationships, this is one of the opportunities for an individual to share their whole life, their whole being, their whole insides and the things they feel and believe and sort them with another human being. And it is probably, as we would say, a most rewarding thing, but here's the kicker. Because marriage is potentially the most totally intimate of all relationships, it can be one of the most difficult relationships on one hand, but you know, on the other side it can be so fantastically rewarding if we get it right; if we do it right. I think that's important. It is the place where most adults have the opportunity to lessen their loneliness, satisfy their heart hungers, to participate in the wonderful, creative process of what many writers call self-other fulfillment. That is, I get a fulfillment and you get a fulfillment by my giving to you. I am also being fulfilled as you are being fulfilled.
I'd like to take you to another book, entitled THE INTIMATE MARRIAGE by Howard Clinebell. I'd like to read you a couple of paragraphs from this particular book, on page 203 and 204. Just reading a couple small paragraphs, but I think he's saying the same thing in his own words.
He said, "An ad book title describes marriage as self-other fulfillment. Growth takes place as one invests himself in relationships. Only as one contributes to the fulfillment of others will one's own potentialities be discovered and fulfilled. Only as one enters into relationships of mutual giving in which one is aware of and strives to satisfy the needs of the other, are one's own needs met." You remember the scriptures; "It's more blessed to give than to receive," give and you shall receive. Remember the concept.
Going on, "It is more than the quid pro quo, 'you scratch my back and I'll scratch yours.' Truly enlightened self-interest must transcend egocentric interest. It must involve genuine caring for one another. Genuine caring means caring for the satisfaction the other person's needs and his or her growth." There's a lot more that I could read, but I think he puts it so very, very nicely in that particular case.
Intimacy grows as couples develop a high degree of caring for each other; affection, concern for a partner's safety, well being, growth as a person; all play into this mutual needs satisfying and the gradual narrowing of emotional distances that start in marriage and the interlocking of personalities lead to what many writers call the mutuality of mates and partners in a shared identity, becoming one. Thinking in a way that is very different from "I." Thinking in terms of "we, and us, and our."
I never forgot the time - my wife looked at me - we went to visit a lady, and she wanted to show us her house, and so she showed us around. She came to the bedroom and she says, "I want you to see my bedroom." Now she was married, but it was her bedroom and my wife looked at me and I looked at my wife and we didn't say a word, but our eyes met and we said, "Oh, boy! Oh, boy! I wonder what goes on here." You know, that type of thing so far as this is my bedroom, this is your workplace, you know, this is mine and yours instead of being ours, and the sharing.
Now, somebody said, "Well, maybe it was just a slip of the words." No, it wasn't, because they later divorced, and the sadness was that again it was this whole thing of "mine" and "my" and "I" type of situation that we saw over the years that we worked with them.
So, we recognize that the mutuality, as the man said, of mates and partners in a shared identity through the experience of actually being able now to find oneself as one loses oneself in another. It's a whole new ball game. You become a totally new person because you have given up the "I" for the "we." The shared identity develops the new person, "us." It's an amazing thing!
Now, you know what hinders that? Emotional immaturity. It's a major barrier being stuck in selfishness or I-ism thinking and making decisions in terms of psychological singleness; thinking in terms of getting rather than giving and receiving. It just kills. It just kills a budding relationship, demanding that the other person make me happy; wanting to be taken care of in a kind of child-like dependency without putting much into the relationship. It's all a part of the selfishness that we have that some people never let go of in their lives.
We've got a granddaughter, and you begin to realize that you hope she'll grow out of what she's doing lately. You pray she will, and you keep thinking how did it, in talking about, but right now wherever we go and she sees a balloon, brethren, we're in major trouble. We either have to blind this kid, put something on her eyes, because she wants that balloon and she says that balloon is hers, and it's I want - favorite words. And then when she goes to the store - she was getting into the habit wherever she went she was getting something - and then finally her mother had to teach her that she gets a reward at the end of the week if she's good. And so they're beginning to teach that.
But it's interesting that some people never grow up. They never grow up and they think in terms of childlike dependency without putting very much into a relationship, showing little self-control of impulses and self-centered whims that they have; pouting, depression, being unhappy because "you didn't take care of my particular needs." This is what happens sometimes, and it creates what we describe as demandingness; an individual living of one's own life and the lack of sense of responsibility for a shared task of creating a relationship in which all persons can grow. It destroys the concept that Christ gave in Genesis about becoming one flesh.
I thought it was interesting, an author that I read some years ago. His name is C. S. Lewis. He's a Protestant writer, but I thought he said something profound. I'd like to share it with you. He said, "To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken." You better believe it. You better believe it. That is so true. It is going to happen. You've gotta decide whether you're willing to do that.
I hear people say "I don't want to try that again because I don't want to be hurt." I know that. As ministers we find that when we baptize people or we marry people and then we see them walk away. It's hard! It's very hard. It's discouraging, but he points out that if you love anything your heart is going to be wrung, and it possibly will be broken.
"If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give your heart to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully 'round with hobbies and little luxuries. Avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness," he said. "But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken, it will become unbreakable, it will become impenetrable, it will become irredeemable."
Interesting isn't it? If we don't strive to develop the we-ness as opposed to the I-ism that is found in selfishness; whoever you are, married or not it's a problem that we face as members of the body of Christ in the twenty-first century where "men will be lovers of their own selves."
So how do you change the situation? How do you change it? Let me give you a couple of active steps. Let me give you a couple of active steps. Let me give you a couple of active steps that you might try to begin to help you develop this change of mind. Most people look in the wrong place when they want to change their marriages.
I remember a story about a stranger that ran across a man who was standing under a street light and he was looking for his keys. He had lost his keys and he was looking under the street light. He was looking around all over for the street light and so the other guy says to him, "What are you looking for?"
He said, "I'm looking for my keys."
And he said, "Well, where did you lose them?"
And he said, "Well, I lost them over there." (Away from the street light.)
"But why are you not looking over there?"
And he said, "Well, the light's better over here."
And that's the way people are. They go looking in the wrong place to do something about their problem. And the sad part of it is that if you go looking in the right place I think you will find that you will get answers to the question of I-ism or selfishness. Before looking for what is missing in our mate, key point to begin with.
Number one - we need to try putting ourselves under the lamp and taking a good look. The most productive move you can make when you are not pleased with the way your marriage is going or your life is going or your problems are going is to do something very important. Change yourself! Change yourself. If nobody else changes, if that doesn't change them, that's okay. The point is you need to do that for yourself, for your sanity, for your righteousness for those things. Lets go over to Romans 12:18. I'm going to read this out of the "New King James Version" rather than the "Noahs" I've been using today most of the time. This is -
Romans 12:18 - He said, "If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men." It starts first of all with you, as much as lies within you.
First, it says "if it is possible," and that's the first thing. You strive for the development of that possibility.
Second, it says, "as much as depends on you." You can't control other people in your life. You are responsible only for that part that depends on you. You can't control other people in your life, and you can't make your mate into the ideal. We learned that fourteen years into our marriage. My wife learned that I would never be a certain way, and I've learned that she was going to be a certain way, and I've had to make adjustments; she's had to learn to make adjustments. God makes the person into His ideal. It takes a bit of humility to accept your limitations, brethren, but you know it's true.
Number three in this particular verse, it says, "Live peaceably with all men." The end goal in our relationship is peace and harmony. Much strife is generated when one spouse tries to force the other one to make a change, and we recognize that that just simply is going to cause a problem. Let's go over to the "New King JamesVersion" in Luke 6. He tells us something most interesting. He said,
Luke 6:40 - "A disciple is not above his teacher, but everyone who is perfectly trained will be like his teacher." So, in that sense of the word we're looking at you making this choice. Remember we talked about marriage; it was choice; it was permanence, and it was togetherness or oneness. Those are the three basic concepts. But here we see in verse 40 that we are to be trained to be like our teacher Jesus Christ. Then he goes on to say in -
Verse 41 - "...why do you look at the speck in you wife's (brother's) eye;" why do you look at the speck in your husband's eye? I mean that's really what I'm trying to get across to you. Why do you look at that, "but do not perceive the plank in your own eye?"
That's very hard because you're in the middle of a set-to over something. Boy! All reason goes out of the window, but he said the speck and the plank. This is what Jesus said. This is how you deal with selfishness. It is the number one principle as we begin to look at it, as you have to change yourself first.
Verse 42 - "...how can you say to your brother," how can you say to your wife, how can you say to your husband, Honey "(Brother,) let me remove the speck that is in your eye when you yourself do not see the plank that is in your own eye? Hypocrite! First remove the plank from your own eye, then you will see clearly to remove the speck that is in your brother's eye." Now, notice -
Verse 43 - When you do this, "... a good tree does not bear bad fruit." It's a good thing. It says that the fruit that this particular exercise is good and does not bear, nor does a bad tree bear good fruit
Verse 44 - "...every tree is known by its own fruit. (For) men do not gather figs from thorns, nor do they gather grapes from (a) bramble bush(es).
Verse 45 - "A good man out of the (good) treasure of his heart brings forth good; and an evil man out of the evil treasure of his heart brings forth evil. For out of the abundance of the heart the (his) mouth speaks." So we begin to recognize the concept. We recognize the concept and the concept is that you begin to work on yourself first. Now there's an interesting statement that was made by Ruth, Ruth 1:16. I'd like to read that to you just for a moment. You probably have heard it many, many times, but it's Ruth 1:16. I'm sure we read it, but the principle is one of working with another individual. Notice what it says -
Ruth 1:16 - And "(But) Ruth said: "Entreat me not to leave you, Or (to) turn back from following after you; For wherever you go, I will go; And wherever you lodge, I will lodge; Your people shall be my people, And your God," shall be "my God." Now what it's saying is that she was the one that took the first step to begin the reconciliation and to develop the frame of mind that had to be in this marriage that would take place.
Matthew 7:12 - We've read it; we've talked about it; we've said it, but how have we applied it in relation to this thing of selfishness. Matthew 7:12 - we call it the "Golden Rule." Here's what it says -
Verse 12 - "Therefore all things whatsoever you would that men should do to you, do you even (so) to them: for this is the law and the prophets." It's been changed simply to do to others before they do it unto you. In our society you do unto them before they do unto you, but the "Golden Rule" is, think about the way you want to be treated. Think about the way you want your marriage to be. Think about the way you want things to be working and it says, you do that to them so that it will come back to you in the sense of the "Golden Rule." Do unto men because of the fact that it comes back to you in the end in sowing and reaping those things. Galatians 5: 13 and 14 says simply "...Love your neighbor as yourself." We believe these principles.
Selfishness is simply loving your neighbor as yourself, and the principle is very simple. It is simply working on yourself first and then letting God work with you both to work with you as best you can in developing the removal of that selfishness and developing the we-ness, the us, that type of approach. I've often heard the term we-ness used to describe a sense of team identity. Of course we-ness is in contrast to me-ness or self. It is no longer what's yours is mine and what's mine is mine. It's give and take. You give, and I'll take. It's the stopping of that.
Some people have talked about having a weird and wonderful relationship. He's weird, and I'm wonderful, aah, you know that type of thing. That's not what God intends it to be. We're not talking about that. What we're seeing that it's no longer what's yours is mine and what's mine, it's now becoming what's mine is yours as well. It begins to develop that particular frame of mind.
Let's take you to the second point that I have this afternoon. Very simple, but again, just two basic points on the removal of selfishness from a person's life. The second step is simply asking you the question, "Is sacrifice an outdated notion in this society?" Think about that for a moment. "Is sacrifice an outdated notion in this society?" I don't believe it is because I've seen it happen in the lives of many people outside of this room and many in this room as well.
I think sacrifice is a crucial component of commitment in a strong and a healthy marriage. Now let me explain what I mean. I went to a dictionary and I decided to look up sacrifice. So, let's look at the foundation of sacrifice as given by a dictionary, but I think you'll see that it biblically does the same thing.
What is a sacrifice? Three definitions from the dictionary:
Number one - "To offer as a sacrifice to a diety." We've understood that from many years gone by in the pagan world and also in the fact that there were sacrifices in the Old Testament to God.
Number two - "To forfeit one thing for another thing considered to be of greater value."
Number three - "To sell or give away at a loss."
You see where I'm going? I think you do. In marriage we're not talking about sacrificing to a deity, but let's take a look at number three for a moment. "To sell or give away at a loss." That is very straightforward. It speaks of giving up something of value. It could be your time. It could be your pride. It could be your money or just about anything you value that you might have to give up for another. I've seen many people do that, and I've seen them happy for it, and I've seen some people resent that, but the sacrifice of number three is something that you have to look at in the overall relationship that develops the removal of selfishness. And that is simply to be able to give up something for another.
Number two is probably the most interesting. Sacrifice here is giving up something for the greater good. In marriage one of the greater good may be the needs of your mate. The act of sacrifice treats those needs as more important. Do you look at that? Do I look at that? I do believe that's where we have to go with this second point, and that is to realize that this particular need may be greater, and more important than you doing your own will at times.
Do I mean you always give in? No, that's not what Richard is saying. He's simply showing you the principle to apply and to work with in developing. Let's go to Proverbs 11:24 - let's notice here a principle. Now he's using this principle when it comes to the scattering of seed, in that sense of the word.
Verse 24 says the following: "There is that scatters, (like seed, that's what he's basically talking about) and yet increases; and there is that withholds more than is fit (meet,) but it tends to poverty." So what we're saying, in essence is that when you really give up in a sacrifice, you're really going to give away, and you're going to actually develop, and it's going to come back to you something very, very positive in an overall sense, I believe, in most cases.
Verse 25 - "The liberal soul shall be made fat (and) he that watered shall be watered also himself." So, it's the same principle that we talked about about a half-hour ago, sowing and reaping. In a healthy marriage one often also gives up something that might be more personally desirable for the good of the team and sometimes you have to do that. Now if you're doing it all the time I think you have to ask the question, "What's the matter from the other side?" I'm not talking about that. I'm simply talking about the two principles to drive selfishness away.
Healthy sacrifice in marriage flows most readily from a clear sense of oneness. I want to take you to a scripture in Ephesians 5. It's going to develop in the end the concept that we started with in the sermon. But I want to take you there because we play these roles, and the man does this and the woman does that, and I want you to stop and read this set of scriptures for a moment from the point of view of sacrifice; from the point of view of giving up your own will. Thinking about what it means and the importance of doing these things, because notice what it says in verse 21. Before you get to anything that is said about husbands and wives, before you get into any kind of role playing verse 21 sets the pattern. It sets the principle upon which all of this should be carried.
Verse 21 - "Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God." That's where it starts. That's where sacrifice actually begins, working on yourself, changing yourself, and being willing to give up some things in life. "Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God." The ability to do that by both people makes a healthy, healthy marriage. It makes things flow in the sense of oneness. Notice what verse 22 says. Based on that layer of foundation it says,
Verse 22 - "Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord." What are we doing? We're seeing that we must give and we then receive. "Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.
Verse 23 - "For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body.
Verse 24 - "Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing." So there is give and in that sense of the word doing what needs to be done here to bring about the total togetherness or the oneness of a marriage. Then notice what it says -
Verse 25 - "Husbands, love your wives..." Why? Because you've got to learn to submit to her needs. You've got to learn to submit to what needs to be done in her life and "husbands you need to love your wife, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;
Verse 26 - "That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word,
Verse 27 - "That he might present it to himself a glorious church..." How? By our submitting, by our submitting. That foundational principle. "That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish.
Verse 28 - "So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies...." Now what does that tell you? It tells you that men have to learn. They have to learn how to submit. And they have to learn how to sacrifice some things when they need to be sacrificed, as women have to learn to sacrifice some things as well or the whole concept of developing this relationship ...has to do with the foundation of verse 21. If you don't see that verse 21 as a part of it, then we start playing roles and we start getting into this "he does this and she does that," and "he has to do this and she has to do that," like we used to teach back forty years ago. Lord, deliver us from that because that's not what God intends. But notice what it goes on to say. "So men (husbands) ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself." Ah, isn't that amazing? Everything we've talked about today is kind of fulfilled in this particular scripture.
Verse 29 - "For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourished and cherished it, even as the Lord the church:" Then he goes on to say,
Verse 29 - "For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones." Notice what he uses now in all of these things about submitting, he finally comes back to the point that I made in the beginning of my sermon.
Verse 31 - "For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they shall be one flesh." So it's the church; it's the husband and the wife. We're learning how to develop that now in our Christian commitment.
Verse 32 - "This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church." Profound, absolutely profound because that's what Paul was trying to get across. This wonderful thing about getting rid of this wretched selfishness has to do with those two things, working on yourself and secondly sacrifice. It becomes important in our lives.
Let's conclude this afternoon's sermon then by taking you over to Philippians 2. I want to conclude with this scripture because I believe that it says it better than any other scripture. We read a couple of verses from it, but this is Philippians 2, read it with the whole concept and idea that we've been talking about today. See what the apostle Paul says. I'm going to read this from the "New King James Version," Philippians 2:1. Let it say what it needs to say. I'll try to get involved too much in what the principle is here.
Philippians 2:1 - "Therefore if there is any consolation in Christ, any comfort of love, any fellowship of the Spirit, any affection and mercy,
Verse 2- "fulfill my joy by being like-minded, having the same love, being of one accord, of one mind.
Verse 3 - "Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself.
Verse 4 - "Let each of you look (out) not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others.
Verse 5 - "Let this mind be in you which was also in Christ Jesus,
Verse 6 - "who, being in the form of God, did not consider it robbery to be equal with God,
Verse 7 - "but made Himself of no reputation, taking the form of a bondservant, and coming in the likeness of men.
Verse 8- "And being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself and became obedient to the point of death, even the death of the cross." We see here your Christian commitment. We cover here point two as the secular definition of sacrifice. Forfeit one thing for another thing considered to be of greater value.
And then number three - Paul looks to Christ as our example of humility. This particular section I think epitomizes for me what Jesus said about Christians becoming one with Christ and for Christians, husband and wife becoming one flesh in their marriage.
Paul looks to Christ as our example of humility. Marriages that inculcate this frame of mind into their thinking are not only satisfying and stable over time, but they also reflect the character of God.