About Dr. Parke
Dr. Ross Parke is a distinguished professor of psychology at the University of California at Riverside . He has more than 30 years of experience researching and writing about fatherhood and is the father of seven children. He is the author of Fatherhood (1966) and co-author of Throwaway Dads(1999).

 

The Good News: You have spent decades studying father-child relationships. What has most impressed you about those relationships?

Dr. Ross Parke: The most impressive thing is fathers are finally waking up to the fact that they do matter, and society is also recognizing it. Fathers as well as their wives are realizing fathers do play a unique and distinctive role not only in child rearing but in sharing the burden of daily child care as well, and that wasn't the case 30 or 40 years ago.

GN: What is the most encouraging trend about the father-child relationship?

RP: It is the recognition that fathers are not only important to kids, but that fathering is good for men as well as good for their partners. I think it is a major shift.

As men have become more concerned about balancing work and family, they have recognized the enormous benefits, rewards and satisfactions from being a good parent. They see that the emotional investment they make in their children comes back to them in terms of making them more open and more satisfied as an adult human being.

GN: What about the most discouraging trend you see about the parent-child relationship?

RP: While there has been some progress toward greater father involvement, it is by no means the revolution we envisioned 25 years ago. That is the point of the Throwaway Dads book, to spell out the kind of barriers that still exist in society, such as corporations and the workplace.

The workplace is one area that doesn't normally give the father the flexibility to attend school plays, stay home with a sick child or attend a parent-teacher conference at 3:30 p.m., whereas women are generally given more flexibility in this regard.

GN: What is the most important thing a father can do to benefit the long-term outcome of a child?

RP: Probably it is the same thing a mother usually does, which is to let the children know they are cared about. In fact, we are doing a study now on a concept called "mattering."

We are trying to measure the way children view their parents and feel that they matter to their parents—that they are something important in their lives. You can do a lot for a child, but it is the emotional bond that the child feels—that this adult is really there for the child and that his or her welfare and progress socially, intellectually and emotionally really matter to the parent.

GN: What about the mother?

RP: It is similar. Mothers and fathers communicate caring in different ways. Moms are probably more likely to listen to the children's problems and be emotionally available, while dads do it through play, shared recreational activities and humor. Both are important ways of communicating that parents care about their children.

GN: Is it more difficult to rear a child today than 50 years ago?

RP: It is probably different, but I'm sure it was just as difficult then too. I think there's a myth that 50 years ago it was easier and now it's harder. But when you look back 50 years ago to when radio, television and comics were introduced, people said, "With all these new technologies, child rearing is becoming more difficult."

Now we have the Internet, video games and Game Boy. So each era has its challenges, but I'm not sure it is any harder now. Even if you think of people in frontier times, it was difficult too, in terms of keeping your kids safe and providing an education. Yes, there are problems with drugs and gangs today, but on the other hand, there were outlaws and challenges in frontier towns that were just as difficult.

GN: What is your opinion of books that claim maverick, white-collar moms can rear their children just as well without dads?

RP: The evidence is pretty clear that kids do better in two-parent families—partly because of economics and partly because of the distribution of responsibilities between two parents that leads to lower stress.

It's also pretty clear that there are successful single moms, but it's tough to do it on your own. Just consider the sheer economics and the juggling of time to do everything when you're a single parent. Yes, there are feminists who are trying to do the men in, but I think the more sensible ones recognize that fathers play a unique and helpful role.

GN: Are you encouraged by the way child rearing is generally going today?

RP: Yes, there are positive aspects, such as an awareness of excessive physical punishment as being detrimental to kids and an increased awareness of child abuse. A lot of the practices we accepted in the past, such as the harsh and severe treatment of children, have come under increasing scrutiny.

People are much more aware that there are strategies for dealing with kids like reasoning with them and using nonpunitive tactics that can be effective. I don't mean you should not set standards, or avoid monitoring them, or not provide discipline, but there is a sense that there are alternative strategies that can avoid what may escalate to more abusive tactics.

GN: What do you think is the biggest myth about fatherhood today?

RP: There are two myths—one is that fathers are incompetent, and the other is that they don't care. The myth about incompetent fathers is just a cop-out that people have used for not wanting fathers to be very involved.

As for the other—the myth that fathers don't care—even in the case of young or unwed fathers, a lot of those men, when they are encouraged, can take a role in the rearing of the children and can provide economic support. So there are a lot of attitudes toward men that are often ill-founded.

GN: What do you mean in your book by the term "throwaway dads"?

RP: We mean society has put up barriers and basically has thrown away dads. Society has not given them the kind of respect and the opportunities to realize the kind of contributions they can make. It has not given them the respect it has shown mothers. Dads have been discarded and not given the central role in the cultural message that they are an important partner in parenting.

GN: Do you agree with David Blankenhorn's quote, "Fatherlessness is the most harmful demographic trend of this generation"?

RP: Yes, I agree in general with his assessment, but not with his solution, which would take us back to copying a family of the 1950s. I believe women now have many more opportunities to do other things besides being a homemaker, and fathers are now in general more involved in child rearing, and I think that is positive.

GN: Are you optimistic or pessimistic about the trends in fathering?

RP: I am optimistic about them. All the signs are that even though the changes have been slower than any of us would have liked in terms of how involved fathers are and how much time they spend with their kids, there are measurable increases in father involvement, which is very encouraging.

Secondly, men are recognizing the importance of such participation. I think of my generation vs. my father's. He was involved with me, but it was a more distant relationship than what I have with my own children. So there are signs things are improving, for both men and women.

GN: Do you see that trend internationally?

RP: Absolutely. You see the same trends in Western Europe, Australia and Scandinavia in terms of social policies giving more opportunities for both men and women to rear their children together. The developing countries do still lag in this regard, mainly in their treatment of women and of recognizing that the father's role could be more nurturing and emotional.

GN: You have seven children. What have they taught you most about child rearing?

RP: They have taught me the need to listen to them, to be patient and to recognize their developmental changes with respect. I have a 15-year-old boy who says to me, "Dad, I'm not 7 any more!" So, part of the trick for all parents is to recognize that as children develop they need some autonomy—but at the same time, keep some tabs on what they are doing. GN