My mother wipes counters. Whenever she comes to visit, within a fairly short period of time, she begins cleaning my countertops. It doesn’t matter if I scrub them until they shine before she arrives, if there is a counter and a dishrag, she will commence to wiping them.

Where there are misunderstandings, there is hurt. Hurt turns all too easily into an offense, which blossoms into anger, which can then begin a fracturing of relationship, which in turn can cause a complete division. Where there is a division of relationship, there is a loss of love.

And she doesn’t stop at counters. Once she has finished in the kitchen she will move on to the laundry room, and then the closets. There will be talk of helping me to “reorganize” to make my life more functional.

For years, this drove me crazy. Every time my parents would visit, I would find myself cleaning frantically, so that my mother wouldn’t need to clean my kitchen, do my laundry, or “reorganize” my closets. My husband could count down the days until my parent’s visit by how tense I was getting. He would try to talk me down from the ledge of hyperventilating, but to no avail. I knew that when they walked through the door, my mother would see the dirt in all the hidden places that I had not been able to reach.

Verdict: Joy is not a good wife, mother, daughter, keeper of the home, financial planner. I am sure that I could find a few more things to add to the list of what was blowing up in my mind as to how she saw me. Before she even arrived for her visit, I was offended.

The climax to all of this came about two years ago. At the mature age of 38, I finally confronted my mother with all my pent up frustration. Why? Why did she come to my house and start cleaning it? Was my house such a wreck? Was it so awful? Didn’t she realize how hard I worked trying to be a good wife and mother to my family? (Perhaps this last bit was said in my head.)

I kid you not, she put down her rag and turned to me. The words that she spoke next, I will never forget. “Joy, wiping counters is how I show love. You show love by making meals for people. Whenever you come to our house, you cook the whole time. It is how you show love. You cook. I wipe. It is the same thing.”

I wish that I could remember the rest of her words as clearly, but I was stunned by this revelation. She was not wiping my counters out of disapproval of my level of cleanliness, she was wiping them to bless me.

Wiping counters, folding laundry and organizing closets was a way for my mother, who lives nearly 800 miles away, to show love. I had misunderstood the actions she took as judgment against me, when it was the complete opposite. It was love towards me.

She was right too. I cook for people. It is what I do to express my love for those I am with. If I am visiting with others, cooking meals is how I try to make things easier for them. She managed to understand me while I, the daughter with the counseling background, completely failed to understand her. I had not tried. I had only assumed the answer. I had decided to be offended.

Love is a funny thing. Even within the members of a close family, we may express it differently and misunderstand one another’s intentions. As in my case, I interpreted an act of love as condemnation of my ability to keep a home.

Where there are misunderstandings, there is hurt. Hurt turns all too easily into an offense, which blossoms into anger, which can then begin a fracturing of relationship, which in turn can cause a complete division. Where there is a division of relationship, there is a loss of love.

“For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in HIm should not perish but have everlasting life” (John 3:16).

Love, in fact, is the most serious thing of all.

If God was willing to lay down the life of His only Son so that we might have the opportunity for everlasting life, what is my responsibility when it comes to strengthening and repairing my relationship with my mother, my father, my sister, my brother, my husband, my children, my Church family?

Am I off the hook for forgiving them if they offend me?

Are they off the hook if I offend them?

I sure hope not. That would make a mockery of the sacrifice of my Lord and Savior who submitted His will to the will of the Father and gave His life for mine so that I could live; so that I could help grow and build and strengthen my family; so that I could potentially be a part of the family of God.

“For this reason I bow my knees to the Father of our lord Jesus Christ, from whom the whole family in heaven and earth is named, that he would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with might through His Spirit in the inner man, that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the width and length and depth and height—to know the love of Christ which passes knowledge; that you may be filled with all the fullness of God” (Ephesians 3:14-19).

When I read these words, when I speak them out loud to myself, I realize how much God the Father loves His family and desires that we, with Christ dwelling in us, would allow ourselves to be “rooted and grounded” in that love. That love that is not easily offended, that love that is not prideful or boastful or vengeful, that love that would rather build up than tear down, that love that passes knowledge and is filled with the “fullness of God.”

When I realize how far below the bar I fall, I am deeply ashamed for every being unwilling to forgive. I am saddened that I would ever allow an assumption of meaning to potentially damage a relationship. So be it at home, at church, or amongst our closest friendships, how do we avoid allowing these misunderstandings to happen amongst us; amongst the family of God? Simple.

“Therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, put on tender mercies, kindness, humility, meekness, longsuffering; bearing with one another, and forgiving one another” (Colossians 3:12-13).

I think that is about as simple as it gets. Put on the characteristics of Christ. If I put on a little more Christ and a little less self, I think I will start moving forward. I know that I am not alone in these struggles. Will you join me? Let us “put on” love, and maybe a few counters will get wiped along the way.