Family Estrangement

By Aimee McNally, (San Jose)

I recently read a good book called Family Estrangement: A Matter of Perspective by Kylie Agllias. Estrangement is the loss of a previously existing relationship between family members, through physical and/or emotional distancing, often to the extent that there is little or no communication between the individuals involved for a prolonged period. Agllias’ book talks about estrangement from both sides: estranger and estrangee (one experiencing the estrangement). Estrangement is complicated for both sides because there are many different problems leading to the estrangement. Each side processes the estrangement differently. Going from estrangement to reconciliation can be a difficult journey too, especially if estrangement has been multi-generational. Unless there is verbal or physical abuse it’s important to seek forgiveness and then move on if possible.

On the other hand, seeking forgiveness can stir-up and trigger past emotions for the estranger and make matters worse. Sometimes the estranger does not want to talk, respond to emails, or phone calls. Sending a card might help break the silence, but that might fail too.  If the estranger is hostile, silent, or express their desire to remain estranged, it’s best to let it go. When face-to-face forgiveness is not possible, it’s more important to take the matter in prayer to God and give it over to His mighty sovereignty. We are admonished to forgive others, even if they don’t forgive us. That’s what Christ did for us. “Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you” (Colossians 3:12-13 - NIV).  We are so much better off choosing to be peacemakers and not carrying grudges.

It’s important to recognize that moving on without the estranger is difficult for both sides. The estranger and estrangee can experience similar emotions like guilt, shame, loneliness, anxiety, depression, exclusion, fear of missing out, rejection, humiliation, and anger. It’s important to work through the emotions in a healthy way like pursuing new friendships or “adopting” a new family to love. Shifting focus onto a hobby or getting support from a counselor also brings peace and acceptance. Unfortunately, estrangement is often a multi-generational problem that affects many families. The right thing to do is seek reconciliation and stop the hurt because that is what Jesus Christ would do. “But I say to you who hear: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, and pray for those who spitefully use you. To him who strikes you on the one cheek, offer the other also. And from him who takes away your cloak, do not withhold your tunic either. Give to everyone who asks of you. And from him who takes away your goods do not ask them back. And just as you want men to do to you, you also do to them likewise” (Luke 6:27-31 – NKJV).

Hopefully, with God’s help, reconciliation and forgiveness can begin the healing process and stop the heartaches.