Looking around the room, I saw others writing down their responses and thinking about the big question our minister had just asked us in the Bible study for young adults that Sabbath: "What qualities are you looking for in a godly mate?" The page in front of me stared back as I began to deeply consider all the characteristics I valued and desired in my future husband.

As my list grew, the minister surprised me with his next question: "Now that you've identified these qualities, what do you need to do now to develop these attributes yourself? Your lifetime challenge is to become the type of person that is worthy to be a godly partner with someone who possesses all of the qualities you have listed."

The significance of this statement hit me like a ton of bricks. How could I ask God to provide someone for me who is what I'm not ready to become myself? I had been so focused on searching for someone who embodied everything I dreamed of finding in a husband that I had neglected to consider if he would recognize these same godly qualities in me once we met.

And even more importantly, does God find me to be a desirable and valuable member of His family? Instead of finding the right person in my eyes, I realized that I needed to shift my focus to first becoming a righteous person in God's eyes.

God's intentional design

I returned to my dorm room that evening deep in thought about what we had discussed in the Bible study and what I needed to do next. Like many of my peers in college, I wanted to be someone other people found attractive and fun to be around. Within my college environment, it was tempting to consider dating many of the great guys I met because we had many things in common.

Yet, until that night, I hadn't reflected on which qualities were truly important to me in a future spouse or even in me as I developed a deeper, lasting relationship with God. Shifting my focus, I began considering how I could become the type of woman who would attract those who would enhance my existing relationship with God, not pull me away from my faith.

What do you stand for?

College provides a great time to begin thinking about who we are and who we want to become. We can start by examining our character, values, motivations and desires, and how these inner attributes are reflected in our lives. King David's example of coming before God with a humble attitude and asking Him to search his heart is one of the most powerful demonstrations of seeking accurate understanding of oneself in the Bible (Psalm 139:23). Likewise, we are also instructed to examine ourselves to see if what we are doing is in harmony with what God expects of us (2 Corinthians 13:5).

This process of self-examination, reflection and repentance of those things that are holding us back from having a deeper relationship with God is essential to our development as vertical thinkers. We will know what we stand for in a world of relative and shifting moral standards. As has been said in different ways, those who stand for nothing fall for anything.

Preparing for the future

The college years provide numerous opportunities to meet people and learn what types of personalities we "click" with. While the desire to be in a romantic relationship can be very strong (because God designed us that way), grounding ourselves with the purpose of developing the characteristics that will ultimately attract the right kind of godly friends and future spouses should be our primary focus.

So while you are in college, don't just focus on what you desire in a future mate, marriage and career. Redirect some time and energy to figuring out what you need to become in order to please God and attract a godly mate. For additional information, see the articles below. VT

The Friendship Formula
Marry the Right Person: Key to a Successful Life
The Dating Debate
Sexual Myths, Sexual Reality
A Touchy Subject: Hand-Holding, Hugging, Kissing and More...

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Student Voices

Developing Godly Relationships

Here's what other students and recent college graduates had to say when asked, "What did you do in college to prepare yourself for future godly relationships?"

"Spend your time in college getting to know a variety of people and enjoy what each of them brings to a friendship, and eventually you are likely to find someone God brings into your life to date. There are stories in the Bible that talk about patience, like the story of Jacob, Rachel and Leah. Jacob exhibited immense patience. We should strive for that also."

—Male college graduate, Canada

"In college, I built a strong network of like-minded friends who helped me walk the straight and narrow through my college years and beyond. Through my interactions with them I learned the meaning of brotherly love—encouraging one another to do the right thing and make the right choices."

—Female college graduate, Nigeria

"Getting involved in extracurricular activities and taking advantage of service opportunities (both in the educational realm and within the Church community) allows you to build relationships without the pressure of 'pairing up,' because the focus isn't just on the people participating, but on what they have come together to accomplish. This gives you the chance to build relationships and to learn the tools necessary to maintain them."

—Female college graduate, Wisconsin

"I learned that if you want to build godly relationships, merely spending time with and talking to other people isn't going to be enough. You have to take those conversations to the next level and open up to your friends spiritually, talking about the things that really matter in life."

—Male college student, Missouri