A Woman's Key to a Happy Marriage: Trusting God in Submission

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Are the ancient biblical instructions for marriage that call for a wife to submit to her husband still valid? How can a wife willingly submit to a less-than-perfect husband?

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Marissa believed in God and wanted to live a Christian life. However, when she read some New Testament passages discussing the husband-and-wife relationship, she felt uncomfortable. To her these scriptures seemed outdated and written for a very different culture.

For example, the apostle Paul wrote in Ephesians 5:22-24 [22] Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.
[23] For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body.
[24] Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.

See All...: "Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body. Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything."

Marissa felt that God surely would not consider this passage valid today. After all, Paul lived in a male-dominated culture, where women were often dependent on their fathers or husbands for survival. Today, women are able to support themselves and in most cases are as educated or even more educated than their husbands.

Marissa had been married to Tony for three years. He also shared her Christian beliefs and tried to live a godly life. While she loved Tony very much, submitting to his decisions was sometimes difficult. She often felt that her choices and goals were superior to his. After heated "discussions" she would sometimes go along with what Tony wanted to do. But more often than not, she insisted on doing things her way.

Tony and Marissa's marriage had settled into a rather dry routine. They both worked during the day and jointly shared in the household duties in the evenings and on the weekends. However, Marissa remembered how Tony used to bring her special gifts or surprise her with a poem he had written for her. He no longer did those things and spent most of his free time with his brothers and friends.

He had also recently expressed his feeling that she no longer respected him. She was surprised to hear this, and it made her wonder if their marriage would last. Could she be sabotaging her marriage by refusing to submit to Tony? Yet how could she do so when she didn't agree with many of his decisions? Marissa decided to once again look at what the Scriptures said about the marital relationship.

Is this biblical instruction out of date?

Perhaps you too have questioned whether biblical instructions regarding marriage are still valid today. Specifically, are the words of the apostle Paul out of date, or can they be used as a foundation for Christian marriages?

We must first understand that the biblical view of marital roles derives not from ancient patriarchal culture but from the order established by God at the creation of man and woman (Genesis 2:21-24 [21] And the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept: and he took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof;
[22] And the rib, which the LORD God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man.
[23] And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.
[24] Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.

See All...). When couples submit to God's pattern for marriage, the result is peace and happiness.

Sadly, our Western society teaches women to reject the biblical view of the husband's headship and the wife's submission. Ignoring this role distinction within marriages is a major cause of many breakups today.

Both men and women can misunderstand what God really intended for the relationship between husband and wife. The husband's headship does not mean domination over his wife, but rather it is his God-given responsibility to provide caring leadership to ensure the physical, emotional and spiritual needs of his wife and children. A wife's submission to her husband does not mean serving him as an "inferior," but rather being willing to accept his loving leadership.

Does this mean, though, that all family decisions are to be made by the husband? Not at all, for there are various times when a husband should wisely defer to the wishes of his wife (compare the principle of all Christians submitting to one another in Ephesians 5:21Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God.
See All...). This would especially be true in areas where the wife is more knowledgeable. Both partners should always discuss major decisions and goals. However, if their opinions vary, God has instructed that the husband should make the final decision, and all family members should honor and respect that (Colossians 3:18Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord.
See All...).

Are women inferior to men?

One reason wives sometimes find it difficult to submit to their husbands is that in our society "submission" sounds like a flawed relationship of inferiors to superiors. Do the Scriptures say women are inferior to men? Are men God's favorites and women created merely to take care of them? These are relevant questions in addressing the critical role of a Christian wife.

For example, consider Genesis 2:18And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.
See All...: "And the Lord God said, ‘It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him.'" From this verse some might assume a wife's role is merely to help her husband achieve his goals. But a careful examination of the text reveals that the godly role of a wife is much more than simply functioning as her husband's assistant.

The Hebrew word translated "helper" in Genesis 2:18And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.
See All... is ezer. Interestingly, this word is often used to describe God Himself and has the sense of giving strength. Notice Psalm 115:11Ye that fear the LORD, trust in the LORD: he is their help and their shield.
See All...: "You who fear the Lord, trust in the Lord; He is their help [ ezer ] and their shield." Other scriptures such as Deuteronomy 33:26There is none like unto the God of Jeshurun, who rideth upon the heaven in thy help, and in his excellency on the sky.
See All..., Psalm 33:20Our soul waiteth for the LORD: he is our help and our shield.
See All..., Psalm 70:5But I am poor and needy: make haste unto me, O God: thou art my help and my deliverer; O LORD, make no tarrying.
See All... and Hosea 13:9O Israel, thou hast destroyed thyself; but in me is thine help.
See All... also use that same Hebrew word in referring to God as our help or helper.

Surely if the Hebrew word ezer connoted an inferior rank or position it would not be used to describe God. God is our helper, and He is certainly not inferior to human beings! Similarly, a wife is not inferior to her husband just because the Creator gave her the role as his helper. Men and women are equal before God since they are both made in His image (Genesis 1:27So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them.
See All...). Similarly, Christian men and women are equal before God because they are "one in Christ" (Galatians 3:28There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither bond nor free, there is neither male nor female: for ye are all one in Christ Jesus.
See All...).

Of course, though husband and wife are equal before God, their roles are different—as are some of their responsibilities.

Does God expect submission?

Many scriptures reveal that a wife is under the authority of her husband. Consider, for example, 1 Corinthians 11:3But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God.
See All...: "But I want you to know that the head of every man is Christ, the head of woman is man, and the head of Christ is God."

This scripture clearly explains that the husband is the head of the wife. But some wives feel that they are not under the authority of their husbands because their husbands are not totally submitting to Christ. In addition, they may feel that their husbands are also failing the command to love them as Christ loved the Church (Ephesians 5:25-29 [25] Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;
[26] That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word,
[27] That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish.
[28] So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself.
[29] For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church:

See All...).

As we have just read in 1 Corinthians 11:3But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God.
See All..., a husband must submit to Jesus Christ's leadership so he can truly lead his wife. Husbands must indeed also love their wives as Christ loved the Church (Ephesians 5:25Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;
See All...; Colossians 3:19Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them.
See All...).

Jesus gave us a wonderful example of sacrificial love. When a husband exhibits the same love and commitment to his wife that Jesus showed the Church, it's much easier for her to follow his lead. She knows he always has her best interests at heart. Conversely, if a husband is not submitting to Christ, or does not love his wife as Christ loved the Church, it can be difficult for his wife to submit.

Of course, no husband is perfect in submitting to Jesus Christ and loving his wife. Many are far from it. But does this give wives the right to ignore the scriptural commands to submit? Some wives even come to the point where they have difficulty loving and accepting their husbands.

How can a wife submit to a humanly flawed husband? What if she is convinced his decisions are not in her or their children's best interests? What about her rights as a person? And what if he would want her to do something morally or ethically wrong?

The Bible reveals that we should always obey God over man (Acts 5:29Then Peter and the other apostles answered and said, We ought to obey God rather than men.
See All...). He places no human being under the unconditional authority of another. Only obedience to God is absolute. A wife should not be expected to disobey God in order to submit to a misguided husband. For example, if a husband asked his wife to sign a fraudulent tax return or not report his abuse of their children to the police, she would not have to comply.

Scripture is clear that wives are to be submissive to their husbands and obey them unless obedience involves breaking God's laws and biblical principles. Regrettably, there may be situations when a wife may have to resist her husband's will (1 Samuel 25:3-38 [3] Now the name of the man was Nabal; and the name of his wife Abigail: and she was a woman of good understanding, and of a beautiful countenance: but the man was churlish and evil in his doings; and he was of the house of Caleb.
[4] And David heard in the wilderness that Nabal did shear his sheep.
[5] And David sent out ten young men, and David said unto the young men, Get you up to Carmel, and go to Nabal, and greet him in my name:
[6] And thus shall ye say to him that liveth in prosperity, Peace be both to thee, and peace be to thine house, and peace be unto all that thou hast.
[7] And now I have heard that thou hast shearers: now thy shepherds which were with us, we hurt them not, neither was there ought missing unto them, all the while they were in Carmel.
[8] Ask thy young men, and they will shew thee. Wherefore let the young men find favour in thine eyes: for we come in a good day: give, I pray thee, whatsoever cometh to thine hand unto thy servants, and to thy son David.
[9] And when David's young men came, they spake to Nabal according to all those words in the name of David, and ceased.
[10] And Nabal answered David's servants, and said, Who is David? and who is the son of Jesse? there be many servants now a days that break away every man from his master.
[11] Shall I then take my bread, and my water, and my flesh that I have killed for my shearers, and give it unto men, whom I know not whence they be?
[12] So David's young men turned their way, and went again, and came and told him all those sayings.
[13] And David said unto his men, Gird ye on every man his sword. And they girded on every man his sword; and David also girded on his sword: and there went up after David about four hundred men; and two hundred abode by the stuff.
[14] But one of the young men told Abigail, Nabal's wife, saying, Behold, David sent messengers out of the wilderness to salute our master; and he railed on them.
[15] But the men were very good unto us, and we were not hurt, neither missed we any thing, as long as we were conversant with them, when we were in the fields:
[16] They were a wall unto us both by night and day, all the while we were with them keeping the sheep.
[17] Now therefore know and consider what thou wilt do; for evil is determined against our master, and against all his household: for he is such a son of Belial, that a man cannot speak to him.
[18] Then Abigail made haste, and took two hundred loaves, and two bottles of wine, and five sheep ready dressed, and five measures of parched corn, and an hundred clusters of raisins, and two hundred cakes of figs, and laid them on asses.
[19] And she said unto her servants, Go on before me; behold, I come after you. But she told not her husband Nabal.
[20] And it was so, as she rode on the ass, that she came down by the covert of the hill, and, behold, David and his men came down against her; and she met them.
[21] Now David had said, Surely in vain have I kept all that this fellow hath in the wilderness, so that nothing was missed of all that pertained unto him: and he hath requited me evil for good.
[22] So and more also do God unto the enemies of David, if I leave of all that pertain to him by the morning light any that pisseth against the wall.
[23] And when Abigail saw David, she hasted, and lighted off the ass, and fell before David on her face, and bowed herself to the ground,
[24] And fell at his feet, and said, Upon me, my lord, upon me let this iniquity be: and let thine handmaid, I pray thee, speak in thine audience, and hear the words of thine handmaid.
[25] Let not my lord, I pray thee, regard this man of Belial, even Nabal: for as his name is, so is he; Nabal is his name, and folly is with him: but I thine handmaid saw not the young men of my lord, whom thou didst send.
[26] Now therefore, my lord, as the LORD liveth, and as thy soul liveth, seeing the LORD hath withholden thee from coming to shed blood, and from avenging thyself with thine own hand, now let thine enemies, and they that seek evil to my lord, be as Nabal.
[27] And now this blessing which thine handmaid hath brought unto my lord, let it even be given unto the young men that follow my lord.
[28] I pray thee, forgive the trespass of thine handmaid: for the LORD will certainly make my lord a sure house; because my lord fighteth the battles of the LORD, and evil hath not been found in thee all thy days.
[29] Yet a man is risen to pursue thee, and to seek thy soul: but the soul of my lord shall be bound in the bundle of life with the LORD thy God; and the souls of thine enemies, them shall he sling out, as out of the middle of a sling.
[30] And it shall come to pass, when the LORD shall have done to my lord according to all the good that he hath spoken concerning thee, and shall have appointed thee ruler over Israel;
[31] That this shall be no grief unto thee, nor offence of heart unto my lord, either that thou hast shed blood causeless, or that my lord hath avenged himself: but when the LORD shall have dealt well with my lord, then remember thine handmaid.
[32] And David said to Abigail, Blessed be the LORD God of Israel, which sent thee this day to meet me:
[33] And blessed be thy advice, and blessed be thou, which hast kept me this day from coming to shed blood, and from avenging myself with mine own hand.
[34] For in very deed, as the LORD God of Israel liveth, which hath kept me back from hurting thee, except thou hadst hasted and come to meet me, surely there had not been left unto Nabal by the morning light any that pisseth against the wall.
[35] So David received of her hand that which she had brought him, and said unto her, Go up in peace to thine house; see, I have hearkened to thy voice, and have accepted thy person.
[36] And Abigail came to Nabal; and, behold, he held a feast in his house, like the feast of a king; and Nabal's heart was merry within him, for he was very drunken: wherefore she told him nothing, less or more, until the morning light.
[37] But it came to pass in the morning, when the wine was gone out of Nabal, and his wife had told him these things, that his heart died within him, and he became as a stone.
[38] And it came to pass about ten days after, that the LORD smote Nabal, that he died.

See All...).

A wife who is unsure about whether to submit to her husband in some matter should seek guidance from God through prayer and studying His Word—and through counsel with a minister if necessary. In some cases just discussing her feelings and concerns with her husband in a humble manner may cause him to reconsider his decision (1 Peter 3:1Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives;
See All...).

The key to submission

The key to understanding submission is to realize that ultimately a wife is serving God, not man. Notice what Paul wrote in Colossians 3: "Wives, submit to your own husbands, as is fitting in the Lord . . . And whatever you do, do it heartily, as to the Lord and not to men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the reward of the inheritance; for you serve the Lord Christ" (Colossians 3:18Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord.
See All..., Colossians 3:23-24 [23] And whatsoever ye do, do it heartily, as to the Lord, and not unto men;
[24] Knowing that of the Lord ye shall receive the reward of the inheritance: for ye serve the Lord Christ.

See All...).

Jesus Himself was the perfect model of both loving leadership and submission. Paul discusses Christ's attitude in Philippians 2:5-9 and emphasizes that Christ became obedient to the Father, even to the point of death.

Likewise, every wife should strive to submit to her husband's leadership with the same attitude that Christ displayed toward His Father. Even though she is equal to her husband in the eyes of God, she should not question his God-ordained right to lead, just as Jesus who shared divinity with God the Father did not question His authority (John 6:38For I came down from heaven, not to do mine own will, but the will of him that sent me.
See All...).

Trusting in God is needed

While the submission of Christ to the Father provides a wonderful example to help us understand how a wife should submit to her husband in the Lord, it is still difficult for many women to do so. This is especially true when a wife is convinced that some of her husband's decisions are unwise. The answer to this dilemma is found in 1 Peter 3:5For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands:
See All...: "For in this manner, in former times, the holy women who trusted in God also adorned themselves, being submissive to their own husbands." The key phrase here is "trusted in God."

By following her husband's lead, a wife is trusting in God's protection and deliverance. This parallels Christ's submission to God, even to His death (Luke 22:42Saying, Father, if thou be willing, remove this cup from me: nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done.
See All...). If her husband truly wrongs her by his decisions, he will be judged by God. However, she will be blessed in the long run if she trusts God and follows the biblical admonition to submit to her husband.

Submitting requires faith in God (1 Peter 1:21Who by him do believe in God, that raised him up from the dead, and gave him glory; that your faith and hope might be in God.
See All...) and belief that following God-inspired scriptural commands regarding the marriage relationship will bring success. Satan the devil wants wives to think that God's ways do not always work, and that they must refuse to submit unless they totally agree with their husband's decisions.

God requires the kind of submission that ultimately necessitates faith in His eternal power and goodness. God's ways are not our ways! A wife may logically feel that the only way to achieve the security she desires is to control her own life, and even her husband, as much as he will allow. In reality, however, she can best achieve true happiness and security by trusting God and submitting, even when it does not immediately seem like the best choice.

God has called His followers to pursue a different path from that of the society around them (Matthew 7:13-14 [13] Enter ye in at the strait gate: for wide is the gate, and broad is the way, that leadeth to destruction, and many there be which go in thereat:
[14] Because strait is the gate, and narrow is the way, which leadeth unto life, and few there be that find it.

See All...). Christians are told to do good to their enemies, to turn the other cheek and always forgive (Matthew 5:44But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you;
See All...). Is it any surprise, then, that our great God would provide a pattern for marital happiness that requires faith in His all-knowing wisdom? For it is only by trusting God that a wife can truly submit to her husband in every situation (1 Peter 3:5For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands:
See All...).

Stepping out on faith

And now back to the couple introduced at the beginning. After much prayer and study, Marissa decided to follow the biblical pattern for marriage. She was pleasantly surprised to find that Tony became much more attentive to her feelings and needs. She had feared that she wouldn't be happy deferring to him, but in doing so she found herself much more at peace.

Tony once again felt respected and valued because Marissa recognized him as the leader. No longer threatened, he began to realize the incredible responsibility of loving and caring for her as Jesus Christ cared for the Church. He no longer feared that pleasing his wife would make him a slave to her whims, but instead he became even more sensitive to her needs.

Marissa and Tony were overwhelmed at the blessings that came from following God's marital instructions. Marissa found the love and security she so deeply desired, and Tony finally felt the fulfillment of his longing to have a supportive companion to help and strengthen him. They also experienced much joy knowing that their marriage more closely reflected the relationship between Christ and the Church.

If you desire a better marriage, ask God to give you faith to believe and trust in Him. Not only will following God's Word bless your marriage, but it will also prepare you to become more like Jesus Christ, who lived a life of constant submission to His Father's will.

Jesus explained that we can truly find our life only by losing it (Mark 8:35For whosoever will save his life shall lose it; but whosoever shall lose his life for my sake and the gospel's, the same shall save it.
See All...). A husband must have genuine sacrificial love, and a wife must willingly seek to fulfill her God-ordained responsibilities through submission instead of primarily seeking to do her own will. This can be accomplished by trusting God and allowing His living laws for a happy marriage to unfold!