We've witnessed both extremes: the 4-year-old boy grabbing all the candy he can get his hands on in the check-out line of the grocery store when his mother turns her back on him.

"Bobby, put that back!"
"But Mommy, I want some candy."
"No!"
"Mommy, PLEASE!"
"You heard what I said!"
"I'll take just this one then. Look, it's just a little piece."
"Well, all right. You can have one piece."

It's a sad situation to have to witness.

And then there's the other extreme: the 8-year-old girl (Jenny) pushing the grocery cart behind her mother, dutifully staying close to her striving to anticipate her mother's every need while keeping her baby brother entertained in the cart. Her mother barks orders at her, never thanking her, deriding her for her every perceived misstep:

"Jenny, what do you think you're doing? Stay closer to me! Watch out... you just about hit that other cart!"

Jenny drops her head in submission, the life being drained right out of her. It's also a sad situation to witness.

Are you establishing proper behavior guidelines for your child now? How would you rate your parenting techniques? Permissive? Balanced? Borderline tyrannical?

Teaching and Following Through

As parents we yearn to see our children grow up possessing a strong sense of right and wrong, coupled with the ability to exercise self-discipline—eventually developing their own sense of how to establish appropriate limits in their lives.

God holds us accountable for fostering in them this aspect of character. We must both teach and follow through—two traits comprising the essence of training.

Remember the story of Eli the prophet? Eli's inability to restrain his two sons, Hophni and Phinehas, resulted in the slaughter of 30,000 Israelite soldiers, the death of his sons, the capture of the ark and ultimately his own death (1 Samuel 2:12 through 4:18).

There is evidence of Eli's instructing his sons, albeit apparently sporadically: "So he said to them, 'Why do you do such things? For I hear of your evil dealings from all the people. No, my sons! For it is not a good report that I hear. You make the LORD's people transgress'... Nevertheless they did not heed the voice of their father" (1 Samuel 2:23-25).

Eli's account offers us a prime example of the end result of teaching with no follow through (think of Bobby with his candy).

Jenny's story illustrates instruction found in Ephesians 6:4: "And you, fathers [this principle, by extension, applies to mothers too!], do not provoke your children to wrath..." At some point, probably in her teens, but maybe not even until adulthood, she most likely will rebel against not only her parents, but against many of the beneficial principles of her upbringing.

Neither Permissive Nor Oppressive

How do we, then, maintain the balance of establishing appropriate boundaries for behavior that are neither permissive nor oppressive? Let's address four principles that bear consideration.

1. Clearly define and consistently enforce guidelines and boundaries for acceptable behavior. When we play any game, it's not fun if we can't figure out the rules. Our children need to comprehend the rules—what behavior is and isn't acceptable.

When the boundary lines are in a constant state of flux, most (not all) children will continue seeking to find them. It gives the children an insecure feeling: "I never know what's going to cause Dad to lose his temper! One day he's laughing at me and the next he's yelling at me for the same thing!"

When clear boundaries are set, our children gain a great sense of comfort and security. Because just as sure as they know they'll be disciplined every time they cross that line, they also realize that as long as they stay within those boundaries, they will accordingly gain parental approval.

Consistently enforcing these limits requires parental diligence and teamwork. Parents must strive to discuss daily the status of each of their children's lives. Dad and Mom must be on the same page. If they're not, they must set aside private time away from the presence of the children to resolve their differences of opinion, and return as a united front. Otherwise children will play one against the other, creating again unclear boundaries.

Does Mom give in a bit easier than Dad, or vice versa? Does Dad tend to weaken his stance on guidelines when he's tired at the end of the day or when Mom's not around? Does Mom let up and let us get away with more when she's in a good mood? All of these factors represent a lack of consistency resulting ultimately in a feeling of insecurity with the child.

2. Discern the difference between an act of rebellion and a lack of education or misunderstanding of the boundaries. I remember on one occasion correcting my daughter before explaining her misbehavior. She had this surprised and hurt look on her face as I disciplined her. I realized in talking with her afterwards that she had no idea that what she had done was wrong. (I apologized and she forgave me.) I would have figured this out if I had talked with her first.

Education/instruction comes first. Discipline/correction occurs when the child comprehends the instruction but chooses not to heed it.

3. Establish age-appropriate limits. Gary and Anne Marie Ezzo in their book titled Along the Virtuous Way—Growing Kids God's Way discuss this concept:

"In an attempt to be gracious to their children, many parents unknowingly promote conflict by allowing their children freedoms that are not age-appropriate. These can be too many choices in decision-making, too many verbal freedoms, and too many physical freedoms. What do these freedoms accomplish? They cause a child to be 'wise in his own eyes' [Proverbs 3:5-7; 26:4-5, 12]. Being 'wise in his own eyes' means that a child thinks he has a self-sufficient wisdom that he does not possess" (page 243).

How do we know if our child is demonstrating characteristics of "being wise in his own eyes"? One example is demonstrated in decision making situations, where the parents, in an effort to be accommodating and selfless, allow the child to always dictate where the family will eat, what he will eat and what activity the family will do together afterward. The child develops a feeling of preeminence in decision making matters (becoming addicted to choice) instead of realizing his place in the family. This phenomenon tends to surface more frequently in single-child families.

The apostle Paul wrote it clearly, "When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child" (1 Corinthians 13:11). We must not put our children in charge or encourage them to think that they are.

Secondly, in the area of exemplifying premature physical freedoms, the child will simply go where he wants to without asking permission. Thirdly, regarding showing signs of premature verbal freedoms, the child will make statements such as "I am going to...," instead of asking if he may do something (Ezzo, pages 247, 251).

As the Ezzos state, "If your child cannot handle not having a choice, it is time to remove choices from him. When he can handle not having a choice, he is ready for choices" (page 247, emphasis added).

We need to ensure that the amount of freedom and the choices our child can make gradually increase as he or she matures physically and emotionally toward eventual complete freedom of choice at adulthood. Stifling a child's age-appropriate decision-making abilities as he or she matures can be extremely frustrating for a child, damaging an otherwise healthy parent-child relationship.

Recall the Jenny scenario: She showed signs of exercising both diligence and responsibility. Had her mother recognized, valued and commended her for those strengths, expanding her boundaries and allowing her to take on more responsibilities in decision making, the little girl would have blossomed.

But still, as with young children, we can give our teens too much freedom verbally, physically and in decision making as well. I'm reminded of many parents who decided to allow their teens who had grown up in the church to decide for themselves whether or not they would participate in school athletic contests on the Sabbath. In some cases, the teens chose wisely. In other situations, they did not. The parents were then faced with the fact that they were allowing their child living under their roof to blatantly break God's law, one of the Ten Commandments.

Since we are responsible to God for how we raise our children (as Eli was), how can we allow this to happen? Do we say to our children, "It's your decision whether or not you want to lie, steal, kill, commit adultery, honor us as your parents, take God's name in vain or make idols"? God holds us accountable.

4. Be there for your children as your role changes. In the often-quoted parenting passage of Deuteronomy 6:1-9, the unwritten "given" is that the parents are constantly in the presence of their children. We cannot teach our children God's ways in the house, while we're walking by the way, when we're going to sleep at night, and when we awaken in the morning, unless we're right there with them.

The greater amount of time we spend with our children, the greater number of opportunities we have to share teaching moments with them—situations that occur with our children or with others around them from which lessons can be drawn, instances providing perfect illustrations to teach biblical principles. How many teaching moments do we let slip by that would have presented powerful examples of why we've established various boundaries in their lives?

I liked the way the Ezzos describe how our parenting roles change as our children mature. Notice how the boundaries change throughout the four roles or phases:

The Discipline Phase continues approximately until age 5. In this phase the parents' main objective is to lead the child's life—to gain control. Tight boundaries exist, but they are widened slightly as the little child follows his or her parents' directives. In this phase, "your task is to get control of the child so you can effectively train him. If you cannot train your child, you cannot train him to his full potential, nor will anyone else be able to do so" (Ezzo, page 285). At what age is it advisable to begin establishing boundaries? As soon as he or she understands the meaning of "no."

Secondly, the Training Phase continues to age 12. The authors analogize this phase to that of a sports trainer—one who works with a player in practice sessions, preparing him for competition, running him through drills and exercises, stopping play frequently to give further instruction, all prior to entering the game of life (page 285).

During the teen years through age 19, he or she progresses to the Coaching Phase. The coaching and instruction continues, but from the sidelines and only between plays and during timeouts.

"How well you coach your children determines how well they run through the plays of life. What kind of trainer you are determines how they respond to your coaching. The type of disciplinarian you are determines your ability to train your children. How well you have established your right to rule determines what type of disciplinarian you are" (page 285).

When the teen reaches adulthood, as each progressive stage has been successfully built upon the other, the parents enter the Friendship Phase with their son or daughter. Ultimately, that's the relational goal we desire with our children. "Although the parent-child relationship does not cease, both parent and child enter into a new season of life... The process began with tight boundaries, which gave way to responsible behavior leading to freedom" (page 286).

Maintain the balance as you set and enforce appropriate boundaries for your children. As your children follow those guidelines, may they come to understand the peace, comfort and security you and I experience as we walk within the boundaries established by our Father in heaven. UN