[Victor Kubik] We’ve all gone to many wedding ceremonies, and we hear the expressions, “Do you take this man – Do you take this woman – to be your lawfully wedded husband (or wife) for as long as you shall live?” And then when the vows are made, “…until death do us part.” And we’re all so happy. We’re just there at the wedding. We’re rejoicing with the couple that is getting married. We know they have years ahead and we don’t think about the death part. And we don’t think about the fact that you shall live for only a certain length of time, because a day will come when we will part. One will become a grieving widow or widower.

Vern Hargrove, a wonderful friend, pastor for more than half a century, when his wife died in December, called me, and said, "My beloved DeLee has died. She died of a heart attack in the middle of the night," he says, "and I couldn't even say goodbye to her." That just ripped my heart out just to hear him talk. And I knew DeLee. I knew Vern. What wonderful people they are! And here it is, it's the end – the end of a marriage. In this case, they didn't even say goodbye.

Recently I've been looking through my family pictures. I just have gotten into some of my mother's photos and was looking at my mom and dad's wedding picture. And, of course, as I was growing up, I was the oldest, so I experienced my mom and dad longer than the other siblings. They had five children. But then I looked at them and realized that they were only married for 21 years before my father died very suddenly at the age of 42 of a heart attack. And in that time they had five children. And they had a wonderful marriage.

Well, today I want to talk to you about appreciating your marriage and appreciating your mate. It's not an all size/all information for one sermon to talk about marriage, because there is so much that can be said about marriage. I just want to talk to you today about appreciating your marriage and appreciating your mate.

When was the last time you looked at your wedding pictures? Do you remember your hopes, dreams, and optimism when you started out together? And how does your current visitation of marriage compare with those captured in your wedding pictures? Five, ten, fifteen, twenty or more years into your marriage, how do you view your spouse? And do any of your mate's qualities that once captured your hearts now perhaps grate on your nerves? Can you still talk, sing and just enjoy being together? And how does your ideal, represented by the wedding photos, compare with the current reality with the person who is your spouse?

Now, if you're not married right now, you're single. You say, “Well, why do I have to hear this? And what if I'm not married? What does this have to do with me? Why should I even listen?” Well, marriage is a divine institution, and divine marriage is still something that is to be understood. God's most important characteristics are the foundation of marriage – of absolutely what God is.

God is love. What is the foundation of marriage? Do we marry for money? Well, maybe there are some who do. But it's for love, because you fall in love with someone. You love them, and that's an expression similar to what God has for mankind. It's an environment of faithfulness – of being true to that one – and that is God's relationship with human beings. God is faithful to us, and we are to be faithful to Him. It's an important part of what we are – is through our relationship with Him, is our faithfulness to Him.

And marriage is how family happens. Children aren't born someplace in test tubes or in factories. They're born as a result of a union between a man and a woman. And God is reproducing Himself and creating those who are His family, and that's done in that relationship.

Christ in the church, in Ephesians 5, is a relationship between Christ and His church, and is represented by marriage here on the earthly sphere. Marriage is the highest of human relationships. And we need to understand God's values regarding marriage. Some of you who aren't married ‑‑ well, you might be married – not today – but you might be married. And we have quite a few here – who are here in this audience right now – and those who are also watching and listening to this sermon to whom this very directly applies.

Now, we want to become proactive and positive in dealing with the subject of marriage, especially in the last months – the last years – where there's been an unprecedented attack against the very core and fiber of what marriage means – not just physical marriage – but because it represents the highest relationship between God and His creation. It is something where we need to come out proactive and be those who support what is important.

Again, this is only one sermon. I've been part of several marriage seminars and worked with ministers where we had groups of ministers in regional areas, where we have had seminars on Saturday nights, sometimes a sermon about marriage, a Saturday night seminar, and then all day Sunday seminar where we had subjects such as conflict resolution, finances, communication romance, where many couples got together. And it was extremely enjoyable. I've really enjoyed marriage seminars. And to those of you who are married, hopefully when something like that comes through here, that's done, you can take advantage of that and be part of that. It is very, very enjoyable.

But today I would like to explore three specific areas – three specific ways – in which you can appreciate your marriage and your mate. We want to revitalize our vision of marriage with a mature practical outlook.
But first, let's start with a useful way to describe your marriage, because if you say that we have a good marriage or a bad marriage, it's far too subjective – far too general. In fact, that could even evoke an argument. One says, "We have a good marriage," and one says, "Well, not so good marriage." But how would you classify your marriage?

Well, in one study that I have seen – maybe more than 20 years ago – these following types of marriages were classified. I thought they were very interesting. From the top…from the bottom to the top, I'm going to talk about the worst one first, so you don't think that I'm going to start with that one and get worse. But from the bottom to the top:

Number 1, the Conflict‑Habituated Marriage. Conflict‑habituated marriage – which is one that is marked by constant and recurring hassles and arguments, sometimes even violence. This expectation is that both partners dread being together in private. In fact, they may enjoy being in public a whole lot more, because they don't want to be home with each other. They want to get out, even together. They feel safer than they do being with one another. That's a conflict‑habituated marriage.

Number 2, there's a Devitalized Marriage – a marriage in which the partners are living in an empty shell with perhaps a memory of what used to be a good marriage. For the most part, husband and wife live separate lives, yet, they maintain the appearance of being married. The expectation is that marriage is primarily a convenience of life. People know them to be married, but they're not really close. But, also, they're not violent or arguing for that much either.

Then number 3, there's the Passive‑Congenial Marriage. You know, in a passive‑congenial marriage, the partners live parallel lives. They're usually friends with one another, but not necessarily the best friends. There are other people that they go to, to talk to – that they're friends with, perhaps even better. They get along and have worked out a relationship in which there is typically more separation than there is togetherness. And often being married just kind of just happens, and the expectations for this relationship are peace, but also distance.

Number 4, then there's the Vitalized Marriage. We're walking up the scale here to the top two. The vitalized marriage – this kind of relationship – is marked by frequent interaction and communication interspersed with times of separateness. In a vitalized marriage, the married partners experience times of intimacy, but at the expense – but not at the expense – of the identities of the individuals. They're very close, but also they're very separate people. They have their separate identities. And the expectations of this relationship are almost constant interaction and closeness. 

Number 5, but then there's the Total Marriage. In a total marriage, the partners’ lives are so intermixed and interwoven with one another that it's difficult for others to distinguish between the two. They're always together. They always sit together. They're always talking to each other. They're always with one another. Their goals are virtually interchangeable. If you start a conversation with one, you can go back an hour later to the other separately, and continue that conversation, because they are so intertwined and they think the same things, they speak the same things, they're close. They live together. They work together. They play together, and they love together. This is a total marriage. And the expectation is extremely close relationship, intimate friendship, working relationships and goals.

Now, the dominant pattern marriage relationship that you experience is one growing up – what you model after your parents – because that can color the expectations that you have. I look at my parents' marriage. There are many things that are very, very similar in the way that my father reacted to my mother, and even things that my mother did. In fact, I married someone who is very close in nature to my mother, having certain similar characteristics. But, however, the background of your mate could be very, very different, and bringing all these dynamics in to create the expectation of what your marriage is like.

And also during your lifetime you may experience all five types of marriage – all five of the types. One isn't just there, and that's the way it's going to be. Certainly at the very bottom, the devitalized or the violent marriage, you certainly want to work up from that. But there are times when you shift from one to another.

An example would be that, if a spouse is pursuing a degree or preparing for a career, while the other's trying to take care of the house and children, you may not only withdraw into a devitalized marriage pattern, but you could fall into a conflict‑habituated relationship. However, when you get on to your career and move forward, you can quickly move up to the passive congenial, to the vitalized, and hopefully to the total marriage.

We need to approach our marriage like we do our spiritual conversion. Spiritual conversion and marriage are very, very closely linked. I have worked for many years, going back to, formerly, where I was employed in the ministry, our former relationship and worked with divorce and remarriage cases. As people came to us with a broken marriage and said, "Are we bound or not?" And they bring up various factors that would be factors in whether they were bound or not. And saying, "Well, this is an issue of fraud, or pornea – sexual uncleanness – and so forth, biblically – if we're still bound to another if we have been married.?” And of course, the next question or next matter is, "Can we remarry after this?"

Well, I have read many of these. My wife was also on the marriage and divorce committee – one of the few women who was on it. And we had to take a look at patterns that appeared in these marriage write‑ups, as they're called. And the question that came to us is: Are we really talking about fraud? Are we really talking about things – factors – that could technically destroy a marriage? Are we talking about conversion? Are we talking about the level of God's Holy Spirit that is in that relationship and making it work, forgiveness, working together, communication, learning or being willing to learn to improve your situation? We were wondering about that.

People would look to the committee to see if they would rule them to be eligible or ineligible for remarriage. And right now, I basically tell people, “Look, I may be on a committee and I may have my opinion as maybe being distanced from you, but there's a greater Judge in heaven and a greater committee that you have to answer to and to look to.”

I find that a good marriage is based upon people who follow rules that make that marriage work. And those of us who have the Holy Spirit of God, we have even extra tools for being able to override the pressures, to override the humanity of the human nature that we have in us, and moving to a vitalized and to a total marriage, where we can talk and to love one another.

Also, immature idealism hinders our appreciation of our mate and our – the concept of marriage itself. The apostle Paul understood the vital difference between the Christian ideal and human reality, even equipped with God's Holy Spirit.

Now, how many of you are perfect? So why would you expect to have a perfect marriage? There are ideals. There are things that we want to strive for and do so much better in. There are things, just personally, that I want to do so much better in, but I haven't achieved that yet. And, you know, I also think I may not achieve it in this lifetime.

The apostle Paul could say in Philippians 4:13, he said, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."

It sounds like such a powerful statement – meaning that I can do everything. I’m totally successful in all the things that I want to do – that I set out to do. But then the apostle Paul could also say at a similar time, in Romans chapter 7, verse 19:

Romans 7:19 – "For the good that I will to do, I do not."

“There are certain things that I really want to do well. There are ideals. There are things that I know I should be doing.” And this is not talking about a new member. This is talking about an apostle who has been around for decades. He said, "The good that I will to do, I do not" – not to say that he was a sinner and just horribly sinful in his actions, but it said that…it's saying that he didn't achieve the goals that he wanted to.

Romans 7:19 – "…but the evil I will not to do, that I practice."

Isn't that an amazing statement by an apostle? Saying that the things that he hated to do – perhaps bad habits – we don't know what they are – I don't know what they are – maybe on the computer too much, you know, or whatever. He says those things I still practice…I wish I wouldn't do them – probably very well aware that he needed to change them, but just realized that he couldn't do it all. Yet, he could say, "I can do all things through Jesus Christ who strengthens him." 

The apostle never fully completed his goals for preaching the gospel before he was executed. But shortly before Paul died, he could say this, 

2 Timothy 4:7-8 – "I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. Finally, there is laid up for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will give me on that Day, and not to me only but also to all who have loved His appearing."

So he was able to make a confident statement that “I've done my best. I've done my best, in spite of the fact that I haven't always been able to do the things that I really wanted to. And certain goals and ideals that I had, I wanted to do, but didn't. And also that I know that Jesus Christ was there to strengthen me through His Holy Spirit.”

Paul did not become disheartened by the reality of his walk, compared to the ideal which he preached. But Paul wrote in his writings Christian living writings – all ideals that we strive to, that we look to, that we want to be more like, but don't always achieve.

In our marriage, as well as also being a Christian, we can recognize a need to be like this and not be perfect. Again, take a look. Philippians 3:12, an ideal. Paul writes:

Philippians 3:12-15 – "Not that I have already attained, or am already perfected; but I press on, that I may lay hold of that for which Christ Jesus also lay hold of me. Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead, I press toward the goal for the price of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. Therefore, let us, as many as are mature, have this mind of moving forward."

And to me this expresses so much of what we go through in our daily life's grind, having ideals, wanting to do things well, striving for excellence, asking God for help, but not achieving what we have set out to do. I feel that's the way God intended it to be. That's why we need His help.

Also, in 1 John 1, this is John writing to Christians: 

1 John 1:8 – "If we say that we have no sin, we deceive yourselves."

Everybody – every single one of us in this room – have sinned. That's why we take Passover every year – to come before Jesus Christ and say, “Forgive us our sins.” That's why we pray every day to forgive us our daily trespasses.

1 John 1:8-10 – "If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, He's faithful and just to forgive us ours sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. If we say that we have not sinned, we make Him a liar, and His word is not in us."

Our marriages will also fall short. Every marriage will fall short of God's glory, just as we do individually. So you can go to seminars. You can read. And I have several excellent books that I advise to people for reading. Came across a new one just this past week about marriage – one called Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work. There's lots of wonderful things that you can read – that you can use as resources. But our marriages will never be perfect, because we're human – because our mate is human. 

Also what we demand more highly of marriage in our mates – maintaining idealistic expectations of our mate – of what they should be…. We will experience disappointment, disillusionments, maybe even anger at God, saying, "Why did you give me this woman? Why did you give me this man? I prayed for this woman. This is what I get?" (Laughter) Well, God says, "I called you out of this world. This is all I get?" (Laughter)

As a Christian, we expect trials, persecution and suffering. We expect to have rocky roads in our lives. And in a Christian marriage, both partners remain human and finite. So why assume that God is going to guarantee us a perfect marriage? He isn't going to guarantee a perfect marriage. But just like we give sermons about personal overcoming –  Christian living – the same is true about the way you conduct the way that you manage your marriage, and the way that you, as husband and wife, make it work. 

Okay. I said I would give you three different ways to appreciate your marriage and your mate. This is that part of the sermon. 

First of all, move forward with a positive mindset of marriage and your mate, which to some degree I've already stated. Move forward with a positive mind‑set of marriage and your mate.  

There's some reason why you married them. Certainly you fell in love with them and you liked a lot of things about them. And the one passage I find in the Bible that applies probably in the greatest way to marriage is Philippians 4:8. It's my wife's favorite passage – Philippians 4:8 as applied to marriage.

Philippians 4:8 – "Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy – meditate on these things."

Your mate can do nine things well, but they can do that one thing wrong and that's what you think of and that's what you put in their face. Why not think about all the things that are wonderful and true? You'll be surprised what wonders it has done. 

Now, I have to say something. I'm not sure my wife will be too happy about this, but several ladies have gotten together here to talk about marriage and to have a little…view some DVDs. I knew they were doing something. But I've been coming home the last week, and my wife had been so complimentary towards me. (Laughter) At first time I thought, well, that's really wonderful, wonderful – not that she isn't complimentary, but she was very, very nice to me. 

I came home the next day from work, same thing. Thought, “Wow, this is really great.” You know, the first thing that I thought of is, “I better be this way myself, because she is really nice to me.” Well, the third day, she was very complimentary towards me. I said, "Okay. What's going on? What are you reading? Who are you with?" (Laughter) We both laughed about that. 

But being positive is so very, very important. Because when someone is positive towards me, I want to be positive back. And when you start nitpicking and start looking for fault…when a person is really trying hard and just always looking for those things where that person didn't measure up, it doesn't make you want to do well – puts you on defense. It makes you, perhaps, retaliate. It's not good at all. 

To me, marriage is one of the most important applications of this verse, of Philippians 4:8‑9. 

V-9 –"The things which you have learned and received and heard and saw in me, these do, and the God of peace will be with you."

Do we honor our mate? Do we show respect and honor towards them as someone who is very, very special? There's a book written by Gary Smalley called, The Gift of Honor, which I thought was one of his best works. It talks about honoring people, period – not just marriage – about what that does. Gary Smalley was a very well-known person who did a lot of work in family studies, seminars and all kinds of programs, who just died last Sabbath – just died a week ago, March 6th. He also wrote a book called, The Blessing, and other resources. 

It's very, very important for us to compliment and to encourage. You'd be surprised at the kind of performance and conduct you will stimulate as a result of encouragement and compliments. I'm a real believer in that. I believe that in our church and in our work we need to encourage and complement one another – not be nitpicking and not be looking for fault, not looking for ways in which people have not lived up to ways they should or could. But when you stress the positive and you focus on the strengths, you bring out the best in people. 

Dwelling on problems magnifies the significance of a problem. And no doubt the thing that you've probably been criticized about is something you've been criticized about before – probably many times. And you say, “What's the use?” – probably won't change. 

Count blessings and be thankful for them. This doesn't mean that you ignore problems. This doesn't mean that you just kind of sweep under the rug serious problems that may need pastoral counsel or professional counsel. But there are many good things that we can say about our mate – how they care for us, how they watch for us, how they provide for us. That's very, very important. 

So, first of all, move forward with a positive mind‑set of your marriage and your mate. 

Number 2: View marriage and your mate from a biblical Christian perspective rooted in conversion. Again, this has been touched on. View your marriage as those of us in the church, when we had Jesus Christ at our marriage ceremony, who bound us as husband and wife. Have your marriage be rooted in conversion. 

You could appreciate that marriage involves two beings who are created in God's image. Genesis 1:26. Now, we say man is created in God's image. Well, so is woman. Woman is created in God's image as much as the man. Genesis 1:26. In fact, in the first two chapters of the Bible, we have the relationship established between God and man, and God and woman, and God and family. 

Genesis 1:26 –"God said, let Us make man in Our image, in Our likeness; and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, over the birds of the air, over the cattle, over all the earth and over every creeping thing that creeps on the earth."

Notice them. He created man and woman, as He says, in verse 27, and they together would manage the earth. Let them have dominion over the earth. This is from the first two chapters of Genesis. 

We have some of these societies and cultures where women have been put down, where the role of men and women has been in absolute shambles, or women have been treated as animals – as nothing – not educated and so forth. But from the very outset – from the very first chapter of the Bible – God upholds man and woman. Male and female He created them, and they were to have management rights over the earth – both male and female, together. 

As male and female – co‑stewards over creation – both Adam and Eve were of equal worth to God, but they had differing responsibilities. So Genesis 1 and Genesis 2 describe how humankind was to experience a right relationship with the Creator, creation, their management of it, and each other. Being made in God's image, humankind has both dignity and responsibility beyond any creature of God's creation. There's no other creature that has the rights, the management, the control, the ability to report back to a Creator that human beings do – both men and women. Of course, this is a study more into why you were born and our purpose on this life, but a big part of that purpose is fulfilled in a marriage itself. And a good marriage teaches you about that relationship that you have. 

The quality of stewardship reflects in how well we care for and manage our marriage relationship. In fact, in the first chapters of Genesis, everything that was created was good. God separated the waters from the earth – night and day. Everything He created was good. But the first thing that was not good was man being without a mate. 

Genesis 2:18 – And the Lord God said, "It is not good..." This is the first negative statement in the Bible. "It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him."

So the not good element recorded in the Genesis account is the lack of a suitable human companion for Adam. And God creates one – not only to be with Adam, but also to be comparable to him, or as another translation has it, to be corresponding to him. God didn't just create Adam. He then created Eve. And she wasn't just to have babies or to procreate and so forth. She was to correspond with him. She was to fill in. She was to communicate with him. And we see that that communication gets stronger and stronger the more we study it. 

This corresponding relationship speaks to the deepest hunger of our hearts and lifts us out of the preoccupation of being with ourselves. Adam…what did he have to do? He just was there, just calling…naming animals and so forth and talking to God, but he was basically just all tied up with himself. 

In a marriage, you reach out, you share, you do things together. The corresponding is one who matches hunger for hunger – one who answers for what we are, who loves and responds to our love, who cares in return for our care, and with whom we can talk and share mutually. Man and woman are intended by their creator to live in a relationship of corresponding and answering one another – body to body, mind to mind, and Spirit to Spirit. And in all these three areas. That's the way it was intended to be, by God, a total relationship – the ideal of man and woman. 

I was very interested in a little documentary that I saw about Nancy Reagan this past week. It was beautiful. Just kind of watching part of it in passing, but she commented about when she was away from Ronnie – as she called her husband – she felt like she wasn't just all there. She wasn't full. She was with him all the time. She was his advisor. She probably had a lot to do with the fall of the Soviet Union, as she talked to him about the relationship with the USSR, and Gorbachev, and détente, and Perestroika and so forth that led to actually the collapse of the USSR. But a lot of that was her advice – was her encouragement. It was interesting to hear how much she had to say privately to him about matters that were of worldwide importance. But she said that, without him, she was not complete. 

The first recorded human expression of happiness and exaltation was a celebration of the birth or the creation of Eve – Genesis 2:23. In fact, the first two chapters of Genesis just contains so much about the very basic foundation of God's intent in a relationship of man and woman. 

Genesis 2:23-24 – Adam said, "This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called woman, because she was taken out of a man." This was an exaltation. It's like a Psalm. In some translations it shows it was a verse, as something to be sung. She was taken out of Adam's rib. She wasn't taken out of Adam's foot. She was taken out of his side, and the intent is that a woman be by the side of her husband. Therefore, a man shall leave his father and mother and shall be joined to his wife, and they shall be called one flesh."

That's what it was, from the very, very beginning. The relationship was a conscience one. It was a physical one. It was a mental one. And, as we see with the Holy Spirit, it's a spiritual relationship that displays God's relationship to all creation and Christ and the church. We are both husband and wife, coheirs with Jesus Christ and have the very same inheritance before us. 

1 Peter 3:7 – the New Testament speaks so much also to the honor of the woman. The apostle Peter speaking very highly of the woman's role. 

1 Peter 3:7 – "Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding ‑‑ dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel..." Now, my wife is not weaker than me mentally. She's a very strong woman, but I can also beat her in arm wrestling. (Laughter) "...and as being heirs together of the grace of life" – heirs together we have the same reward before us of the grace of life – "that your prayers may not be hindered."

And when I'm happy in my marriage on a day‑to‑day basis, my relationship with God is good. And when your relationship in a marriage is not good, then it is impaired as well. 

Marriage is an institution that serves not only your spouse as to what it provides for the spouse or the one who takes care of the home, but also it serves the church and society. It's the best relationship for nurturing children. There's no other relationship that is as good as the family relationship. A child comes from the body of those two, and the bonding, education that takes place is the best ideal for raising – to rearing that child. Orphanages, going to grandma and grandpa – everything that I've done because they have to be done – are not as good as in the relationship between a husband and a wife. 

A good marriage is a powerful witness to young adults to emulate, especially the society that suffers from so many deficient role models. One reason why some don't want to get married is because they see what's happened to so many marriages that break up – that they're afraid, and they don't want to subject themselves to a broken marriage. But a good marriage underscores the tight relationship, the closeness, the intimacy, the sharing between two people. 

My wife and I share so many thoughts, ideals. I tell her a lot about what I do. I get her advice. That's important to me. I get off‑the‑record advice of what should be done. What's the best thing to do? 

Also, marriage can also more successfully handle activities, such as caring for orphans, aged parents, than social agencies. Oh yes, you can put mom and dad into nursing homes – and perhaps that's the thing to do – but in societies where grandma lived in the grandma apartment and so forth, that was the best way to care for the aged. 

And also, a strong marriage offers resources – most effective resources – for serving God's church more effectively – a good marriage. We've hired ministerial trainees. We're in the process now of a multiyear process of replacing our ministers that are coming to a point where they're retiring and can no longer continue with their service – those that have served 40, 50 years or so. 

And what we look for in the candidates to take their place are not just a man, but the husband and wife as a team, because they'll be working together. They'll be going to services together. People will talk to the husband and wife together. And a strong marriage offers the most effective resource for serving the church. 

My wife has been amazing in our marriage. For years and years – for decades – I went to two church services – week in and week out. Oh, occasionally – sometimes once a month or once every six weeks – I would only go to one church. My wife went with me to both services. She's so sick of the things that I have said – you know, spoken. I said, the only way you'll transfer is to get rid of me, because she's been with me in and out. She's heard my sermons. She's heard them – some of them over and over again – my stories, the jokes, everything else. But she's been right there as a very important part of the church, in her working with the congregation and the people in that church. 

Strong marriage offers effective resources for serving the church. And when we take a look at those whom we hire for ministerial trainees, we're looking for couples that have a strong marriage, a couple that will reach out together and people will look to them together as a couple that's both engaged in marriage – not one who has one way of looking at things, or not engaged and the husband, as being the one who was serving in the ministry, but both of them who are very interested in the church. 

Number three, the third way to appreciate our marriage, is to concentrate on ever growing loving service to your mate, coupled with mutual submission in our marriage. Subjection or subordination does not suggest that that person is inferior. People can subordinate their lives or actions in many ways, by serving one another, by observing and cooperating with their mate's purposes and desires. 

Ephesians 5:18 – there's so much in this chapter, too, that is written on different levels. One is the relationship of Christ in the church, but so much about the ideal in the human relationship. The chapter itself starts off with Christian living principles. For example, verse 17: 

Ephesians 5:17-21 – "Therefore do not be unwise, but understand what the will of the Lord is. And do not be drunk with wine, in which is dissipation; but be filled with the Spirit." Be continually full of the Spirit of God, imbibe of it, ask God for it. Speaking to one another in psalms and hymns in spiritual songs, singing and making melody in your heart to the Lord, giving thanks always for all things to the Father in name of our Lord Jesus Christ." And then he says – verse 21 – “submitting to one another in the fear of God."

Give way one to another. We haven't gotten to marriage yet, but marriage is the next step, is the next subject that's discussed. 

V-22 – "Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord."

But also that's only emphasizing what is said in the verse before, where we submit one to another. I submit to many desires that my wife has. Of course, I'm the head of the house. The man is to be the head of the household. Wife is to be subordinate to her husband. I don't bark orders. I rarely bark orders to my wife – “You do this. You do that.” We work together. A good marriage – revitalized and the total marriage – they work together so well that they both understand their role, and they dynamically work with one another to do what they're supposed to be doing. If you have to come to the point to where you start barking orders and the other one is chafing, believe me, that is not a good relationship.

"Wives, submit to your husbands, as to the Lord." We all submit to the Lord. The wife is to submit to her husband. That's emphasized there. But all of us submit to the Lord and all of us submit one to another.

I just feel that with my wife, we've been able to do as much as we have – and she's very much a part of my ministry – always has been – because she's right there and working with me, and we are mutually corresponding another in mutual submission. I feel that we have one person – two people – but also get the job done of three people, when we work together very, very well.

The three different ways now for appreciating your mate, just to give you a conclusion statement, is focus on the positive features of your marriage. You need to make a list of those things that you really do appreciate about your mate, or what you did appreciate about your mate but it's gone dormant. You just don't think of them, because you think of the negative. Focus on the positive features of your mate, with their personality, their cleverness, their humor, whatever it is. Focus on the positive features of your marriage. 

List them to your mate. Tell them what you appreciate about your marriage, because you may not have said them in a long time. And there are different people with nature that they just assume that because they don't say it, that it's understood. Well, believe me, encouragement needs to be repeated over and over again. It's not just the other person wanting to be complimented or praised. It's an important part of giving energy to the other person. Focus on the positive features of your marriage.

Remember, two, that marriage is more than a natural union. It's not just animals coming together to breed. Marriage is far above that. It represents a relationship with Christ and the church. A relationship – it represents a creation that God is making of the two being one. It's a conscience relationship. It's a monogamous relationship – not like animals that – some are monogamous, but most aren't. Their mating is just a way of procreation. With human beings, the rules are set down very, very clearly, as what the rules of that relationship are. It's a divine institution of being made in God's image and building God's family.

And number three, mutual submission to one another in loving service and respect is the standard for Christian marriage. That is very, very important. Have realistic expectations. Tap the enabling power of God's Holy Spirit. How many of us have said, "God help me – help me with my marriage. Help me to be the kind of person I need to be. Help me to press forward with those values that really will make a marriage work. Help me to overlook the negative, and help me to say nice things. Help me to say the positive. Help me to go back to Philippians chapter 4 and to think on the right, nice and wonderful things."

Remember that you love your mate more than you think you do. Because a day is coming when that relationship will come to a screeching halt. You will not always have them. All of us can do more. And if you do, you won't regret it. 

I would like to read from a Reader's Digest article that really touched me. It's from a February 19 – or December 1991 – issue of Reader's Digest – an article that was condensed from Northeast Magazine the year before by Owen Canfield. To me really it encapsulates the feeling of the relationship of marriage, and also that it's here today, but it won't be here forever. The author is Owen Canfield. The article's titled, My Fair Lady.

[Canfield, Owen. My Fair Lady. Reader's Digest, December 1991, p. 177.]