7 Biblical Keys to a Sincere Apology

Sooner or later in any relationship, there’s going to come a time when one party needs to apologize for something he (or she) did or said. You may have blurted out words that offended or insulted someone, engaged in behavior that was unfair or hurtful, or didn’t follow through on a promise. You might not have intentionally tried to hurt someone else, but it still happened.

It might be a close friend or family member who was offended, someone at work or church who feels crushed by your careless comments, or it could even be a complete stranger who you “rubbed the wrong way” during a public encounter. When these kinds of offenses occur, it is essential that we apologize.

That can be hard to do. We might feel embarrassed about what we did and want to pretend it didn’t happen. We might be operating under the misconception that acknowledging our shortcomings makes us look like the weaker party or admitting defeat. Maybe the other party has said or done a lot to hurt us as well, and we’re too upset with him to apologize for our part in the situation.

Nonetheless, it’s important that we apologize, as the hurt feelings don’t go away by themselves. Apologizing is necessary if we are to repair damaged relationships or relieve tension with others. And it is something the Bible strongly encourages us to do.

Passages like Matthew 5:23-24, Matthew 18:15 and Proverbs 28:13 emphasize the importance of confessing our sins, addressing conflicts with others, and doing what is necessary to reconcile with those we’ve offended. Romans 12:18 adds, “If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men.” When we apologize for our misdeeds, it helps maintain harmony with others. Even if the other party is partly to blame, we should be remorseful for our part in the conflict.

Moreover, apologizing has a way of “clearing the air” between ourselves and God. It reminds us of our sins, and how much we need His forgiveness and help to overcome them. This is one reason we might apologize to strangers we’ve treated poorly. I’ve done this with store clerks before, when I was out running errands and in a rush and was way too short or impatient with them. Doing so hopefully not only made them feel better, but also showed God that I was determined to work on my shortcomings.

Of course, not just any apology is going to cut it. Simply uttering the words, “I’m sorry” in a casual manner, without elaborating on what we did, can come across like we’re not really remorseful. It can send the message that we haven’t really thought about the ramifications of our actions, but are just annoyed with the situation and want to move on.

A true, biblical sound apology is both an expression of our commitment to personal change, and a request for mercy and forgiveness. In general, an effective apology includes the following seven components. Now, all seven may not need to be present if you are apologizing to someone you’ve wronged in a brief public encounter (in that case, just the first two might be needed), but they definitely should be if you are trying to patch up a long-term relationship.

1. A heartfelt expression of remorse.

The first component is a statement conveying your regret about your misdeeds. Make it clear that you know what you did was wrong, and that you’re truly sorry about it. For instance, you might say, “I’m so sorry that I betrayed your trust, and I feel terrible about what I did.” This kind of statement tells the person you hurt that you truly regret your actions, not simply that you regret having to face an uncomfortable situation.

Be willing to go into detail about what you did, particularly if it’s a serious infraction. So, instead of just saying, “I behaved badly yesterday,” you might say, “I shouldn’t have criticized you in front of everyone at dinner; I should have gone to you in private with my concerns.” Or, “I shouldn’t have been so demanding, and insisted you do everything my way.” Sharing these kinds of details indicates to the injured party that you’ve been examining yourself (as 2 Corinthians 13:5 encourages us to regularly do), that you care about your relationships, and want to be on good terms with others.

2. An acknowledgment of accountability.

Take full responsibility for the offense. Even if other people were involved in what happened, that’s not the issue right now. Own up to your part in the problem and clearly admit you made the mistake, without doing any kind of soft-pedaling.

Don’t try to shift the blame to someone else, make excuses for your behavior, or come up with reasons why the problem isn’t really a problem. Avoid statements like “I’m sorry if I did something to upset you,” or “I’m sorry you’re upset,” as these phrases place the blame on others (often to the one who was hurt) or call into question whether what you did was really wrong. Ultimately, these kinds of statements negate anything else we might say in our apologies that is right.

3. An empathy statement.

Acknowledge the impact of your actions on the offended party. So you might say, “I can see why what I said at the party is upsetting to you. If someone had said the same things about me, I wouldn’t have liked it either.” Or, “I realize you’ve got a lot on your plate right now, and I know you were trying to help me the best you can. I shouldn’t be so impatient with you, because that only added to your pressures.” For other people to be able to move past the pain we’ve inflicted on them, they need to feel as though we grasp the full implications of our actions.

4. Interest in the offended party’s perspectives.

After you’ve voiced the above, stop talking. Give the offended party the opportunity to respond to your disclosures and share his perspectives. Listen closely to what he says, without interrupting. That will convey your genuine concern. When he’s done talking, show that you heard what he said by making a statement like, “I can see how I disappointed you,” or “Yes, you’re right, what I said was insensitive.” Try to glean something from the injured party’s perspectives. What you hear should motivate you to make the necessary changes, so that you don’t go on repeating these same mistakes in the future.

5. Assurance that you will work on changing.

The person you’ve offended wants to know that you’ve thought about what you did, and doesn’t want it to happen again. I once received an apology from a friend for something she did that related to a personal character flaw she’d been struggling with for years. Realistically, I knew her shortcomings weren’t going to disappear overnight, but during her apology, she told me how she now had an increased determination to change, and she touched upon some of the things she was going to do differently in the future. It was obvious that she had spent some time reflecting on the situation, and that our relationship was important to her. That meant a lot to me. Instead of being upset with her, I wanted to show her my support, as I knew she was struggling to change.

A sincere and earnest apology includes a statement relating your commitment to not repeating hurtful behavior.

God certainly wants us to be patient with others as they work on overcoming their personal weaknesses. Colossians 3:13 (NLT) tells us to “Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you.” Ephesians 4:2 (NIV) says we should “be patient, bearing with one another in love.” 1 Thessalonians 5:14 (NIV) says to “be patient with everyone.” It will be a lot easier for those you may have offended to be long suffering towards you, if you convey to them that you are committed to working on your faults.

6. An offer of reparation or restitution.

Include a statement expressing your desire to make things right. So if you backed out at the last minute on going on a trip with a friend, you should reimburse her for your share of the hotel room she paid for. Or, if the damage was emotional—suppose you spread a hurtful rumor about another person—you should be willing to make a public statement, setting the record straight.

An excellent biblical example in this regard is found in Luke 19:8. Here, the chief tax collector, Zacchaeus, after defrauding numerous people, realized the error of his ways. He declared that he’d give half of his possessions to the poor, and pay back four times the amount he had cheated people out of. His willingness to repair the damage he had caused surely made his confession more believable. The same is true for us. When we are truly desirous of making amends, it gives validity to our whole apology. 

7. A request for forgiveness.

The ultimate goal of an apology is forgiveness. Most of us do not want to go through life with unresolved “people problems.” If we’ve behaved badly, we want other people to forgive us, and we’d like to reconcile if at all possible. That is God’s desire for us as well. Scripture instructs us to forgive (see Matthew 6:15, Ephesians 4:32, Colossians 3:13) and to work out our concerns with others (Matthew 18:15-17).

At some point in your apology, usually at the end, you will be ready to ask, “Will you forgive me?” It is now the other person’s turn to respond. And if your disclosures up until this point have been sincere, chances are, the other person will forgive you. But even then, it might not happen right away.

Some people need a lot of time to process their hurt feelings, especially if it’s a serious offense. That’s okay. Reassure the offended party that you accept where she’s at right now. You might close your conversation by saying something like, “I understand why you may not be able to forgive me at the moment. But I hope you will be able to forgive me someday.”

And then sometimes, even after you’ve offered a sincere apology, and you’ve given the injured party time to work through her feelings, she may still not be interested in reconciling with you. The damage done to the relationship may be so severe that it can’t be salvaged. Or, the other person may not understand the biblical concept of forgiveness, or might simply choose not to forgive. Still, you’ve done the right thing by apologizing.

When we go through the steps to make a genuine apology, we’ve likely examined ourselves and humbly sought God’s guidance and discernment. No doubt it’s been a growth experience for us. We’ve learned from it all. That’s true if our apology was well-received, but even if it was rejected.

We always need to remember that we can’t change other people or make them accept our apologies. But we can change ourselves. Delivering a heartfelt apology is a step in the right direction.

📖 Forgiveness Is Possible