Courtesy: Small Acts, Priceless Results

A young mother got on a municipal bus with her little daughter and stroller. After they were seated, she noticed a young man dressed in black, who seemed tense and glanced repeatedly across the aisle toward her. This made her feel uneasy and even somewhat threatened. When the bus reached her destination and the door opened, she picked up her daughter and the stroller to leave. As she did, the young man jumped up and exited before her. But to her surprise, he turned around, reached out to help her off the bus and then immediately got back aboard. As the door began to close, she shouted a hasty “thank you” to the young man who gave her a nod and a quick smile. In seeing how courteous he was, she realized how she had terribly misjudged him.

This story prompts a key question: Just what is courtesy, and why does it always matter in every human relationship?

The terms “courtesy” and “courteous” originate from the Old French word curteisie, which refers to the manners and etiquette prevailing in the courts or palaces of nobles and kings. This included, for instance, saying “please” and “thank you,” avoiding crude and offensive language and observing other civilities. While being courteous certainly includes such demeanor, its definition goes much deeper since it encompasses thoughtful, gracious and respectful conduct, which acknowledges the intrinsic value and dignity of every human being—having been made in the very image of God (see Genesis 1:26). While courteous behavior often comes through small acts, it can have priceless results.

Courteous conduct declining

Despite its significance, courtesy is on the decline.

A 2023 civic literacy survey found that 85 percent of Americans believe civility in society has worsened over the past decade (ABA Civic Literacy 2023, American Bar Association, p. 1).

Why is this happening? The Bible offers critical insight.

The apostle Paul wrote that “in the last days” many people would become self-absorbed, ungrateful and have little self-control—traits leading to disrespect and a lack of decorum (2 Timothy 3:1-4). But how should people act toward one another? Paul also wrote, “Let each esteem others better than himself” (Philippians 2:3), and he said we must “show perfect courtesy toward all people” (Titus 3:2, English Standard Version, emphasis added throughout).

The ultimate example of courtesy was Jesus Christ. While societal leaders and rulers of His day showed little or no interest in the lives of distressed, afflicted individuals, Jesus was “moved with compassion” for them (Matthew 14:14). He was courteous to everyone—the poor and rich; the faithful and faithless and the respectful and ill-mannered. By His words and conduct, He revealed that courtesy must be an integral component of everyone’s conduct (Luke 6:31). It is an outward-focused action springing from the inner bearing of mind and heart—further energized by God’s Holy Spirit (Ephesians 3:16-17). It encompasses sincere expressions of genuine love for others, displayed by means of friendly, caring and considerate actions.

As society continues its downward spiral into self-preoccupation and discourteous conduct, our Creator expects us to journey in the opposite direction by exercising godly love and graciousness toward all others. This is vital within our own families and especially in how we care for and guide our children.

Parents: Teach and model courteous conduct

Although children are born with several inherent abilities, behaving courteously is not generally one of them. Parents have the critical responsibility to teach their offspring courteous behavior and model it, so it becomes nearly an automatic bearing.

Early childhood educator Donohue Shortridge wrote about a situation she experienced:

“A few weeks ago, I arrived at a hotel to check in, only to find that my room would not be ready for quite some time. There had been a pop concert nearby the night before, attended mostly by moms and their teenage daughters. Apparently, the moms spent their after-event time at the bar, while their teens proceeded to trash their hotel rooms, blast loud music and run wild in the hallways until 3 a.m. The next morning, housekeepers were overwhelmed by a tsunami of debris: lipstick on mirrors and wet trash everywhere. As I sat in the lobby contemplating this uncivilized behavior, I asked myself, how does this happen?” (“Grace and Courtesy Beyond Please and Thank You,” Montessori Life, Summer 2017).

Professor Shortridge continued by saying, “So if there is anything you want your child to know how to do, or a way you want him or her to behave, you should first model it, then show him or her how to do it [and] offer lots of opportunities for practice.”

Noted early 20th-century educator Dr. Maria Montessori wrote: “A child is an eager observer and is particularly attracted by the actions of the adults and wants to imitate them. In this regard, an adult can have a kind of mission. He can be an inspiration for the child’s actions, a kind of open book, wherein a child can learn how to direct his own movements” (quoted in “Modeling Grace and Courtesy,” Greenspring Montessori School, April 6, 2017).

One Montessori school website notes, “Children soak up knowledge and experiences from their environment. Unlike adults, who learn through conscious effort, children in their early years absorb information effortlessly and unconsciously, much like a sponge soaking up water” (“The Absorbent Mind: Unlocking Your Child’s Potential in Montessori Casa,” NorthStarMontessori.ca, Sept. 4, 2024).

Children are born with an amazing ability to absorb information. For better or worse, they are soaking up everything they see, feel and hear. Teaching your child good behavior really comes down to what you, the parent or guardian, are modeling with your own behavior. Therefore, it’s essential that parents continually demonstrate proper conduct until their children routinely repeat those skills when interacting with others. Whether good or bad, children will often act out what they see at home.

Teaching and modeling courteous behavior to children extends to modesty in dress, respectful language, good table manners, appropriate cell phone use and other forms of etiquette. In addition, parents need to educate their children consistently from the Bible about morality, ethics and personal integrity (Deuteronomy 6:6-7).

In this regard, I would like to give you a brief example from my youth. I grew up in a large family that included my parents, three brothers and four sisters. At dinnertime every evening all 10 of us sat down at the table in our assigned seats. My parents served portions on our plates, and everyone waited to begin eating until after everyone had been served and after my father had led a short prayer of thanks in which we all participated.

No loud talking was permitted during the meal, nor was getting out of our chairs without permission. If we wanted more of a particular food item or perhaps the salt or pepper shaker, we needed to address the person nearest that item by name and say, “Please pass the [particular item].”  After the main portion of the meal was complete, the two children whose assignment it was for that specific week would help my mother clear the table and serve the dessert. Again, we were all expected to wait until everyone was served before eating the dessert. At the conclusion of the meal, we were not permitted to leave the table without asking, “May I please be excused?”

There were other dinner rules too. Everyone needed to wash their hands before sitting down, no books or other reading material were allowed and the television was not on. If the phone rang, it was answered, but the party was politely asked to call back a short time later.

The etiquette and courtesy we were taught as children brought peace and order to our lives and gave us a good foundation on which to build for the future.

Dealing with people who act discourteously

Since courteous conduct is indispensable, how should you and I behave towards people who treat us discourteously?

It would be easy to assume the worst about an ill-mannered individual and become offended and defensive. However, if discourtesy is shown in return, it only lowers us to that person’s level and encourages continued impolite conduct.

The apostle Paul wrote that love “does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil” (1 Corinthians 13:5). To handle an ungracious circumstance, it would be important first to consider why the person is acting in such a manner. Could he or she be simply having a bad day and allowing a particular situation to get the better of him or her? Whatever the reason, responding with courtesy and patience could very well de-escalate the situation. 

In an article titled Gracefully Dealing with Disrespect, author Sandy Geroux described her reaction to an incident, writing: “I was once disrespected while presiding over a board meeting. A board member disagreed with my plans to fix a situation, actually making disrespectful faces and gestures and causing extreme discomfort for the rest of the board. Not wanting to cause any more disruption than necessary by engaging the person at that time, I reiterated my plan and moved on, rather than ‘defending’ myself.

“After the meeting, I began second-guessing my decision not to say anything, thinking I must have handled the situation ‘badly.’ As I wondered if I actually deserved to be a leader at all, another board member approached me and said, ‘[That person] may have taken condescension to a new low today, but you took integrity to a new high.’

“Her comment showed me that people recognized who was behaving badly (and who wasn’t), and let me know that the board was grateful that I handled it gracefully and moved on” (Executive Support Magazine, May/June 2015).

Courtesy matters

That story offers us a powerful illustration. What better test of courtesy than by responding to unkind or hostile behavior with patience and decency?

The apostle Peter recounted the example of Jesus Christ dealing with people who were appallingly discourteous to Him: “who, when He was reviled, did not revile in return; when He suffered, He did not threaten, but committed Himself to Him who judges righteously” (1 Peter 2:23).

Jesus Himself said, “Therefore, whatever you want men to do to you, do also to them” (Matthew 7:12). This is exceptional advice for you and me when we encounter ungracious situations.

With this in mind, let’s remember that while acts of courtesy may seem small, they can have priceless results!