The Not-So-Secret Secret to Parenting

As a pastor, I get a lot of questions—some about the nature of God, some about various doctrines, some about prophecy. Those questions come from a wide variety of places. Sometimes people are anxious to learn. Others just want to know if I agree with them. Still others are just looking for a spirited debate.

But the question I think I enjoy the most usually goes something like this: “What’s the secret to being a good parent?” I like this question, not because it’s an easy answer (spoiler alert: it’s not an easy answer), but because I know where this question is coming from—a place of genuine care.

The question can vary in form and tone. Sometimes it’s from an exasperated parent who is struggling through the toddler years. Sometimes it’s from the parent who’s worried about the dangerous and uncertain world their teen is preparing to enter. Sometimes it’s from someone expecting their first child, and they have no idea where or how to start. But it always comes from the same place—a place of genuine love and care for their child.

So, what is the secret to being a good parent? Well, I don’t know that there’s one foolproof secret, but allow me to share with you three practical, totally not secret, tips that can help with parenting (or grandparenting) at any stage of your or your child’s life.

1) Spend time with your children

This might seem obvious, but it’s critical.  

We live in a world that makes it very easy to isolate ourselves from one another and focus only on what shows up through our phone’s algorithm. And it’s all too easy to start our children on the same path with their own screens.  

Don’t get me wrong; phones, tablets, etc. are great and have very good uses, but they also have a tendency to separate us by allowing for all manner of thoughts and ideas to enter very impressionable and moldable minds.  

My father summarized this very succinctly for me when I was a young dad: “Someone is going to influence your children. Whom do you want it to be?”

God gives parents the very serious responsibility of instructing their children. This is the core of Deuteronomy 6:6-7. In speaking of His laws, we are told: “These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up” (New International Version).

This doesn’t mean you need to drum Bible verses into your children’s heads every moment. It means that teaching them the right way to live based on biblical principles should be integrated into every part of life.  

This shows up in explaining that putting away the shopping cart when leaving the grocery store is one way you show love for others. Or how looking people in the eye when you speak to them shows respect. Or that just because you have a super snappy comeback to someone else’s rude comment doesn’t justify saying it.

If you take nothing else from this article, remember this: Spend time with your kids.  

2) Model Christ, but admit you’re not perfect

Of course, in spending time with our children we should be doing our best to model Christ-like behavior. Children probably recognize hypocrisy faster than any other age group. If we spend time with them as we should, but only tell them what to do as opposed to showing them, our efforts will be severely hampered.

Consider what Jesus said in Matthew 7:3-5: “And why do you look at the speck in your brother’s eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me remove the speck from your eye’; and look, a plank is in your own eye? Hypocrite! First remove the plank from your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.”  

Obviously, none of us model Christ’s behavior perfectly. But our children need to see that the effort to do so is a genuine priority for us. Did you lose your cool and swear at the guy who cut you off in traffic? It happens, and our children see it. But make sure they also see and hear you acknowledge how you were wrong to do so and that you need to learn not to let it bother you so much. If you really want to model an appropriate and sincere response, invite them to pray with you later, when you ask God for forgiveness for your outburst.

The old cliché is true: children are like sponges; they soak up everything. Make sure the example you give them is a good one.

3) Encourage them to ask why

This can be tricky. I’ve had the seven-year-old who asked “why” about everything. As tempting as it can be to say, “Because I said so” (and I will admit I gave that answer more than once), do your best to give a useful answer.  

In speaking to His followers about seeking wisdom from God, Jesus said: “Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened. Or what man is there among you who, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will he give him a serpent?” (Matthew 7:7-10).

While this isn’t a teaching directly aimed at parenting, it uses parenting to make an important point: We go to the people we trust for answers. The fact that our kids ask us questions shows two things. First, they are thinking. Second, they trust us to give them a good answer.

As our kids grow older, they can be less inclined to ask questions. Maybe they’re embarrassed to admit they don’t know something. Perhaps they think mom and dad’s way of thinking is outdated and irrelevant.  

If you find yourself in this scenario, flip the script. Start asking them questions. Not just the banal “How was your day?” with the inevitable “Fine” response. But questions that will require them to think or dig a little deeper. What did you learn today, and why is it important? Did you hear about this event in the news? How does that make you feel, and why does it make you feel that way?

Getting to the why of what your children think is a fascinating area to explore. In doing so, not only will you learn more about them, you will help them develop the critical thinking skills that adulthood requires.

You never stop being a parent

I have the blessing of having both my mother and one of my children living with me—three generations under one roof. While we’re all adults, it’s interesting to see how a parent never stops being a parent. My mother still wants to make sure I have enough to eat. I still find myself silently praying for protection over my son as he pulls out of the driveway to go about his day. No matter how old we get, we still wonder if we’re good parents. And it’s in this ongoing love and care that the secret to good parenting rests.

Always spend time with your kids. Model Christ, but admit when you fall short. Encourage questions. And never, ever stop wanting to be the best parent you can be.