The Rise of "No Contact"

When it comes to dealing with others, it often feels like we live in a very black-and-white, all-or-nothing society. There’s a good guy, and there’s a bad guy. If you’re a good guy, you’re always good. And if that guy is a bad guy? He’s always bad. There’s no time for nuance. There’s no time for understanding. There’s no time for growth.  

We see this in the news, on social media, and more and more in our families. This tension isn’t new; people have struggled to get along since, well, Cain and Abel.  

“And the LORD respected Abel and his offering, but He did not respect Cain and his offering. And Cain was very angry, and his countenance fell . . . Now Cain talked with Abel his brother; and it came to pass, when they were in the field, that Cain rose up against Abel his brother and killed him” (Genesis 4:4-5, 8 emphasis added throughout). That’s the ultimate “no contact.”

Social media is filled with reels and TikToks of people talking about going no contact with their “toxic” parents or grandparents. The comments on these videos reassure those who posted them that they made the right choice. They needed to “protect their peace,” or “parents aren’t granted access to you just because they’re your parents.”

These social media echo chambers aren’t the only ones promoting such estrangement from parents and other family members; a quick Internet search will turn up page after page of articles supporting the idea.

Some of these articles are just opinion pieces by random writers, but many are from trained psychologists and counselors and even trusted psychological and wellness institutions. One survey cited in Karl Pillemer’s book Fault Lines: Fractured Families and How to Mend Them found that 27 percent of American adults have cut off contact with a family member (James Dean, “Pillemer: Family Estrangement a Problem ‘Hiding in Plain Sight,’” Cornell Chronicle, Sept. 10, 2020). Regardless of the actual percentage who have gone no contact with family, the celebration of no contact has made it a prevalent trend.  

Why people choose estrangement  

There are a myriad of reasons why a person might go no contact with a parent or family member, some very legitimate: physical abuse, sexual abuse, emotional manipulation or addiction. Proverbs 22:3 says, “The prudent see danger and take refuge, but the simple keep going and pay the penalty” (New International Version).  

For their own safety, a person may need to cut contact with a family member until that family member addresses what’s wrong and no longer poses a danger.  

There are, however, other less compelling reasons why someone might go no contact: differing lifestyle choices, opposing political views, finding offense in how someone expresses themselves. In a study of estranged parents and children, the reasons for the broken relationship varied widely. Adult children reported the primary reason was “toxic behavior or feeling unsupported and unaccepted,” while the parents more often stated that they were unsure of the reasons or that the reasons “stemmed from their children’s objectionable relationships or sense of entitlement” (“Giving Voice to the Silence of Family Estrangement,” Journal of Family Communications, April 2015, pp. 130-140).  

It is this second category of no contact that this article hopes to address.  

Early adopters of the concept of no contact or “emotional cutoff” (specifically Murray Bowen, who added this to the “Bowen Family Systems Theory” in 1975) did not view it as the first line of defense, but rather as a temporary “pause” or last resort in truly abusive situations. It was recognized that being physically or emotionally cut off in a relationship doesn’t resolve the problems; it simply quiets them, or they become dormant. Instead, it was understood that the goal should be to remain connected while learning to manage your own emotions.  

We need to learn to navigate relationships even when we don’t agree. We see this pointed out in Ephesians 4:2: “Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love” (NIV).  

In most healthy relationships, navigating disagreements happens naturally. You treat each other with love and respect, communicate openly and take responsibility for your own actions, so there’s nothing to worry about.  

But sometimes, when our relationships get a little out of whack, we might start to feel anxious or resentful. It is during these times that we may implement boundaries within your relationship. Clear, healthy and godly boundaries can lower anxiety, reduce resentment and help solve conflicts (see mentalhealthctr.com/boundaries-and-mental-health).  

What’s right about boundaries

Boundaries are physical, emotional, relational and spiritual limits that define where your responsibilities, choices and authority end and someone else’s begin. Basically, they help you understand what you’re responsible for, what belongs to others and what you’ll do if someone crosses the limits you’ve put in place.  

First, identify the problem—not simply by accusing the other person of wrongdoing, but focusing on how their behavior affects you. For example: “I feel hurt when my mom comments on my weight.” A boundary might be: “I’m not willing to discuss my weight with you.” In keeping with Matthew 18:15, the goal is not to attack or embarrass the other person, but to address the problem directly and give the relationship an opportunity to grow.

Second, clearly explain what you’ll do if a boundary is crossed. Continuing with the same example: “If you bring it up, I'll change the subject. If you continue, I’ll end the conversation.” The focus is on what you will do, rather than trying to control what the other person must do.

Third, follow through and be consistent with our boundaries. A boundary repeatedly stated but not maintained will not be effective. That means actually ending the conversation as forewarned: “I’m sorry, Mom. I told you these comments make me uncomfortable, and you’ve brought it up a second time. So I’ve got to go. We can speak later.”

God tells us to love our neighbor as ourselves (Matthew 22:37-39). When we set boundaries according to godly principles and with the other person’s best interest in mind, we can show genuine love—sometimes with a loving “no” and other times by giving a sacrificial “yes.” Relationships are not about always getting exactly what we want when we want. Sometimes we sacrifice our time or opinion when it is in the best interests of the other person.  

When boundaries become emotional cutoff

It’s important to remember that setting a boundary isn’t about trying to control or punish others, avoiding conflict, refusing accountability or expecting everyone to accommodate your preferences. As noted, there are circumstances where no contact is the right choice for everyone involved. But these cases are extreme, and it should not be the first choice.

Although not specific to a physical familial relationship, Paul wrote to the Christians in Thessalonica: “But we command you, brethren, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that you withdraw from every brother who walks disorderly and not according to the tradition which he received from us . . . And if anyone does not obey our word in this epistle, note that person and do not keep company with him, that he may be ashamed. Yet do not count him as an enemy, but admonish him as a brother” (2 Thessalonians 3:6, 14-15).  

When we set reasonable and godly boundaries in a relationship and the other person refuses to respect them, we may have to step away from that relationship for a time. But that person is not our enemy, nor should they be treated as such. The door should always be open to reconciliation.  

Forgiveness ≠ trust ≠ reconciliation

While all related, forgiveness, trust and reconciliation are not the same.  

Forgiveness is about how I respond to what someone has done to me. God, through the Bible, tells us again and again that as followers of Him and His righteous way of life, we must forgive each other: “For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses” (Matthew 6:14-15).

“Bearing with one another, and forgiving one another, if anyone has a complaint against another; even as Christ forgave you, so you also must do” (Colossians 3:13).  

Like many biblical concepts, showing forgiveness to others has proven to be beneficial psychologically, leading to reductions in depression, anxiety, anger and psychological distress (“Efficacy of Psychotherapeutic Interventions to Promote Forgiveness,” Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, February 2014, pp. 154-170).  

Forgiveness isn’t about pretending the offense didn’t happen or that you weren’t hurt by the other person. It means you’ve given up the right and desire to personally punish the person for the wrong he or she committed. This also doesn’t mean that a person shouldn’t be held legally accountable for any crimes committed.

And it doesn't necessarily mean that the person who caused the harm should immediately be trusted again.

Trust is about how another person behaves and whether they have demonstrated that they are trustworthy.

Trust is built through consistent behavior over time. If someone has repeatedly lied, violated boundaries or behaved abusively, forgiving that person does not require us to assume that the behavior will never happen again.

Proverbs 14:15 says, “The simple believe anything, but the prudent give thought to their steps” (NIV).

Again, trust can only be built over time, as a person shows consistent respect for boundaries—godly, healthy boundaries, not arbitrary rules that keep us from feeling any discomfort. Cutting people off completely shuts the door on any opportunity for building that trust. Going no contact should be a last resort and reserved for serious offenses. Keep in mind the difference between forgiveness and trust. Forgiveness says, “I forgive you for what happened,” while trust says, “I believe you will never do it again.” We can only know this over time.  

And what of reconciliation? That's about restoring the relationship. Forgiveness is what the one who was wronged is responsible for. Building trust is what the one who did the wrong is responsible for. And reconciliation is what both are responsible for. Reconciliation cannot be accomplished by one person alone.

Paul tells Christians, “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone” (Romans 12:18, NIV). We can pursue reconciliation, but we cannot force another person to participate in it.

Reconciliation won’t look the same for every relationship, but it may require an acknowledgment of wrongdoing. Reconciliation requires repentance and a change in behavior. Only then can trust be rebuilt and honest communication can occur.  

Reconciliation doesn’t necessarily mean returning the relationship to exactly how it existed before.

A parent and adult child might reconcile while establishing completely new boundaries. They may see each other less frequently. Certain subjects may remain off limits. Reconciliation doesn’t necessarily mean recreating the old relationship. Reconciliation can come from creating a new, healthier relationship.

All of this assumes that the estrangement occurred due to actual abuses and not a simple disagreement or dislike of normal childhood discipline.

A move toward the person, not a withdrawal

The first step in all reconciliation is our own reconciliation with God. As Paul writes, “Now all things are of God, who has reconciled us to Himself through Jesus Christ” (2 Corinthians 5:18).  

From there, Jesus calls us to reconcile with one another: “Therefore if you bring your gift to the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar, and go your way. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift” (Matthew 5:23-24).  

We are to go to our brother or mother or father or sister and reconcile with them. Withdrawing stops us from being able to go to others.  

People will often respond differently when going no contact with a family member. Some will grieve. Some will rejoice. For some, it will feel like peace—but an absence of conflict isn’t necessarily peace. No matter how you feel initially, a price is paid for going no contact. Sometimes it’s missed funerals. Sometimes it’s children not knowing their grandparents. Sometimes it leads to other broken relationships as other family members take sides. And there are often negative emotional outcomes.  

One recent study showed that estrangement from familial relations “is associated with cumulative disadvantage,” including lower life satisfaction and greater depressiveness (Karsten Hank, “Emerging Ideas. Family Estrangement and Its Association With Life Satisfaction and Depressiveness in Adulthood,” Family Relations: Interdisciplinary Journal of Applied Family Science, December 2024, pp. 2937-44).

Going no contact isn’t necessarily the easy fix people hope it will be.

What does love require? 
 

Family relationships can be complicated and messy. A rise in adult children going no contact with their parents has left millions of people feeling hurt, confused and sometimes angry. There are legitimate reasons for going no contact with a parent, but it should be a rare and last resort.  

If you are going through a difficult time with someone in your life and one of you has chosen to go no contact, you both need to ask yourselves some serious questions and be honest about your answers.

First, is my hurt due to legitimate abuse, or am I trying to control a narrative or how others think or believe? Or is this a matter of being challenged and not liking being uncomfortable?  

If you’re honest and it’s not about abuse, you have some work ahead of you in reconciling with the other person. If you have legitimately faced abuse in a relationship, ask yourself, what does love require when a relationship is painful?

Sometimes love requires distance.

Sometimes it requires confrontation.

Sometimes it requires forgiveness.

Sometimes it requires saying, You cannot treat me this way.

Sometimes it requires saying, I’m willing to try again.

And sometimes it requires leaving the door open for reconciliation while recognizing that you cannot walk through it for another person.

For those who have been legitimately abused, love doesn’t mean making peace at all costs or maintaining contact no matter what. But for others, for those who have a difference of opinion or legitimately hurt feelings, it doesn’t mean walking away whenever a relationship becomes painful or difficult.

The way of love puts responsibility in the right place: You pursue peace. You do your part. You follow Jesus Christ into reconciliation with God—and, through God’s help, with those around you.