6 Biblical Ways to Make Disagreements More Agreeable

It can happen with little or no warning. You’re engaged in chitchat with a few people at church or work, and then someone abruptly changes the subject from the weather to a political hot-button topic. He or she might state some very definite ideas about gun control, climate change, immigration reform, school choice, America’s role in foreign conflicts or whether taxes should be raised on the rich. Your views, however, couldn’t be more opposite.

So how should you respond? You can tell that the person is passionate about the issue. The others who are part of the conversation seem to have their own opinions as well, which may or may not align with your standpoint. You’d like to chime in with your perspectives, but you don’t want to fuel an argument, nor do you want to create friction among your colleagues. On the other hand, if you don’t say something, the others may think you agree with what you believe are radical viewpoints.

If you know your Bible, certain verses might come to mind. Romans 14:1 warns us not to “quarrel over opinions,” and Proverbs 29:22 says “A man of wrath stirs up strife, and one given to anger causes much transgression” (both verses quoted from the English Standard Version). Galatians 5:20 lists contentions as one of the destructive works of the flesh.

In 2 Timothy 2:14, the Apostle Paul instructs us to “Stop fighting over words. Such arguments are useless, and they can ruin those who hear them” (New Living Translation). He continues in 2 Timothy 2:23-24: “Avoid foolish and ignorant disputes, knowing that they generate strife… A servant of the Lord must not quarrel but be gentle to all.”

Biblically, the goal should be to avoid arguments and not be combative. This vital to do if we are to maintain peace and harmony with others. But that doesn’t mean we to have pretend to agree when we don’t, neither do we necessarily have to be completely silent.

The good news is it is possible to speak up about our convictions, without the discussion turning into a dispute or a heated debate. Scripture tells us exactly how to do this. What follows are six ways to disagree without being disagreeable, based on biblical principles:

1. Choose your battles wisely

Proverbs 26:4-5 teaches us that sometimes we should “answer a fool according to his folly,” while other times we shouldn’t. The times we should speak up might be to correct provably false ideas or unwise views that could cause serious damage if not addressed. For instance, someone might state emphatically that the Bible supports a particular lifestyle, when you know it doesn’t. Not saying anything implies agreement.

Then there are the confrontations we should let slide by. Not everything that’s said is an issue worth calling someone out on. It may not be a matter of absolute “right and wrong.” It could be a multi-faceted issue involving different personal interpretations, none of which can be proven to be true or false, Or, it could be that the other person is trying to bait you into getting into a verbal contest, and clearly isn’t interested in hearing about other aspects of the topic; he just wants to show you that he’s “right.” In those situations, it’s best to keep silent. The other person doesn’t need to hear your differing perspectives.

Sometimes people will dogmatically tell me things like: “Our economy is in trouble because . . .” “What’s increasing our cancer rates is . . .” “That commentator is spot on,” or “Everyone should read this book.” If I don’t agree, I’ll usually just listen, without engaging the topic any further. Sharing my contrary opinions probably won’t change their minds, and might just start a debate (and I’d like to keep conflicts to a minimum).

It’s best to only share dissenting viewpoints when it’s truly a major (not minor) matter, or when the other party seems open to hearing a potentially opposing perspective. If you are continually voicing contrary opinions about anything and everything, it can become an ingrained habit and essentially turn you into a disagreeable person.

2. Don’t make it a personal affront

During the times when you feel compelled to offer a differing perspective, do so without making personal attacks. Separate the viewpoints from the one who’s sharing them. Try to show concern for the other person, even if you are opposed to his way of thinking. Jesus Christ was a perfect example of this, as He was a friend of sinners, even when He didn’t condone their sins (see Luke 7:34).

Making comments like, “Hmmm. That’s interesting, but I see it differently . . .” or “You know I really care about you, but I can’t help but disagree . . .” allows you to voice a dissenting viewpoint without belittling the other person. You might even state, “What I’m saying is not about you personally . . .” However, if, instead, you take pot shots at the other person’s character or reasoning abilities, that only makes the conversation contentious.

Not only should you not make personal attacks, you should also not take personally what’s said to you. More often than not, when people start arguments they’re concerned about the issue at hand; it’s not that they’re personally upset with the one who has the opposing views. Keep that in mind. Aim to do what it says in Proverbs 12:16 and Proverbs 19:11, and that is to overlook what may appear to be insults or transgressions coming your way. That helps keep the discussion civil. If you allow the offenses to provoke you, you may be tempted to respond with your own assaults. When either or both parties becomes personally offended, the discussion almost always turns into an argument.

3. Respectfully and calmly present your case

Someone else might not appreciate your views, but that doesn’t mean your manner of communicating them must also be offensive. Ephesians 4:15 instructs us to “[speak] the truth in love.” Share your views in a respectful manner.

Start by not being pushy or condescending. Accept that you might not know everything about the topic, and communicate to the other person that you’re open to fine-tuning your understanding, and even that you value his perspectives. You might say “From my standpoint . . .” or “In my experience . . .” and add, “But I’m eager to hear what you have to say.” If you’re too assertive, the other party will probably go on the offensive.

Do not demean the other person by labeling him or his ideas with disparaging terms like ignorant, dumb, foolish, worthless, loser, or good-for-nothing. Avoid making broad statements that use the words never or always; these kinds of generalizations are very often inaccurate and come off as judgmental.

Try not to raise your voice, and stay in control of your emotions. Proverbs 29:11 gives the advice, “Fools give full vent to their rage, but the wise bring calm in the end” (New International Version). I’ve noticed that when I intentionally talk more slowly, my tone-of-voice sounds more relaxed and not so emotionally-charged.

Disagreements are less likely to escalate or turn heated when the opposing parties are calm, considerate and courteous with each other. Even if just one side is respectful, the other will often follow suit.

4. Listen closely to the other person’s point of view

You shouldn’t only be seeking to get your views across. Be willing to hear what the other person says as well. James 1:19 says to be “swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath.” Listen carefully to what the other person says to try to better understand his concerns. Not only is this an opportunity to learn about a different perspective, but it’s another way to show respect to the other party. Simply listening to another person’s opinions can be incredibly diffusing. It makes the other person feel heard and validated, which can pave the way for civil and constructive discussion.

Keep an open mind as you listen; the other person might bring up aspects of the topic that you haven’t considered before. Once he’s finished speaking, ask clarifying questions (e.g., “What factors led you to that conclusion?” “Could you give me an example?” “Why do you think that?”) to encourage him to elaborate on particular points. This demonstrates that you are truly interested in hearing his take on the subject.

It’s helpful to paraphrase what seems to be the speaker’s main points (e.g., “So basically what you’re saying is . . .”). You may also want to respond with comments like “I see where you’re coming from,” or “That’s an interesting observation.” This communicates to the other person that you’ve heard him and accept why he believes the way he does (even if you don’t necessarily agree yourself).

While you may not be able to persuade the other person to adopt your views (and he may not be able to convince you to accept his ideas), both “sides” will usually be more courteous during the discussion if they at least feel understood.

5. Give the benefit of the doubt

Another way to show understanding is by extending the benefit of the doubt. Basically this means to assume other people mean well, and that they’re doing the best they can with the information and resources they have at the moment. This aligns perfectly with what Jesus said in Matthew 7:1-2 : “Judge not, that you be not judged.” We can’t read other people’s minds. We don’t know what’s in their hearts. We should assume good intentions with other people, as long as we do not have clear evidence to the contrary.

Applying this principle to our disagreements, giving the benefit of the doubt motivates us to soften our conflict resolution style. This worked for me recently when I was on the receiving end of some unsolicited advice. Someone was telling me what she believed would solve a certain problem for me and she insisted that what I was doing was not helpful, but I didn’t agree. I reminded myself that she was trying to help. So I thanked her for her concern and told her that while what she said was interesting, I was quite sure I had things under control. Then I moved on to a different subject. On the other hand, if I would have assumed negative intent, I might have been tempted to go on the offensive, challenging her about her ideas, and the interaction could have easily turned into an argument.

6. Don’t see the other person as an opponent

When discussing a particular topic with someone, your goal should be to help the other person understand your perspectives, and also learn what he believes and why. Explore the matter together. Try to view the other person as on the “same team” with you, not as your opponent. Remember, you might be able to learn something too. And even if you truly are an expert on the topic, you should be presenting your information to give the other party “food for thought” or to be helpful—not to try to prove you’re the “superior thinker.”

If your goal is to convince the other person that you’re right, that turns your discussion into an unhealthy competition—one that is done through strife or vainglory, where you seek to come away as the victor while your perceived adversary falls. Philippians 2:3 and Proverbs 24:17 warn against this. When people argue to try to get a “win” for themselves, it only generates conflict.

If you disagree with a coworker, relative, neighbor or fellow church member, you are on the same team in the more obvious sense too—because you’re working for the same company, in the same extended family, living in the same community, or attending the same church. You need to try to keep your relationship intact so you can continue to function together. Keeping that in mind should motivate you to be more civil when you disagree.

Concluding thoughts

No one is going to go through life without ever disagreeing with someone about something, whether it is about a political or religious topic or relates to a personal decision. When that happens, we need to respond in a way that promotes harmony. Romans 12:18 says, “If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men.”

So, the next time you find yourself in a hearty discussion, whether it’s around the watercooler at work, during fellowship time after church, or over dinner with your relatives, keep these six suggestions in mind. Of course, there’s no guarantee that by following these principles, all of your disagreements will end amicably. You can’t force others to be agreeable, and not everyone will be willing to agree to disagree. But you can strive to keep from being disagreeable yourself. And more often than not, that’s going to lead to a more pleasant and constructive discussion.