Seven Biblically-Based Practices That Will Strengthen Your Friendships

I have a plaque in my office which reads, “Friends are God’s way of taking care of us.” While God is our ultimate caregiver, He certainly places individuals in our lives to encourage and support us. I can think of many times over the years when I was tired, down or just needing some laughs, and then I’d get a call or an impromptu visit by a friend and suddenly I felt much better. I can’t imagine going through life without these special “people connections.”

This is the kind of companionship Solomon described in Ecclesiastes 4:9, 11-12. He wrote, “Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their labor . . . Again, if two lie down together, they will keep warm . . . Though one may be overpowered by another, two can withstand him.”

Of course these kind of relationships don’t just happen. They have to be nurtured. Yet, in our fast-paced society, where there’s always something urgent that needs to be done or should have been done yesterday, close friendships are becoming hard to come by. Today just about everyone is overbusy, overstretched and overscheduled. Between work, classes, household chores and family commitments, we may have convinced ourselves there isn’t enough time to devote to friendships.

We might try to rely on social media to meet our need for people contact. So we’ll spend a few minutes now and then sharing posts about what’s happening in our lives or we’ll comment on what other people post. Or, perhaps we’ll send text messages to friends to say “hi” and let them know we’re thinking of them. These things can help us stay connected on some level. However, they can’t replace the interactions we might have in-person or over the phone. They’re not the way to build close connections.

Sadly, recent research has shown that many Americans can’t name even three friends with whom they can have heart-to-heart conversations with. It’s not that they don’t have people in their lives; it’s that they don’t feel deep connections with those individuals.

The question then becomes, how can we develop strong friendships? What are some steps we can take to deepen the relationships we might already have? The following seven practices, each of which has a biblical tie-in, have worked for me:

1. Schedule friend time.

Genesis 2:18 states, “it is not good that the man should be alone.” It’s clear that God designed us to need companionship. For that reason alone, we should make time in our busy schedules to build and maintain friendships. We’ll never be able to achieve truly close connections with other people if we don’t regularly spend time with them.

As busy as most of us are, that can be a challenge. Still, it can be done. We just need to be more intentional about making it happen. That means getting out your calendar and planning times when you can get together with friends, whether that’s to share a meal or an activity like a game of pickleball, or just meeting for coffee. With out-of-town friends, I schedule “phone dates” with them. I’ve found that just one in-depth phone conversation every couple of months can go a long way in maintaining a close connection.

If you can’t find time in your schedule for friend time, reevaluate your commitments to make some openings in your calendar. If you spend multiple hours a day on social media, you might replace some of that time with face-to-face socializing. Another idea is to do some of the routine tasks and activities that you have to do, such as grocery shopping or working out at the gym, with a friend. You can chat and catch up while the two of you are getting something done.

2. Engage in meaningful conversations.

When we’re out with friends, it’s enjoyable to be able to talk about light conversation topics, catch up on what each other is doing, relate funny stories and share some laughs. That helps us unwind and relax. But try not to limit your conversations to those things. It’s also good to open up about more heartfelt or enriching topics—such as recent experiences you’ve found to be inspirational, struggles any of you might be facing, lessons God is helping you learn, solicitations for others’ perspectives on particular Bible passages you want to better understand, etc.

The Bible encourages believers to have edifying conversations to clarify and deepen their understanding of God’s Word (Proverbs 27:17; Malachi 3:16). It’s not that everything said has to be deep or profound, neither should we push people to reveal more with conversation topics than they’re comfortable with. But with a truly close, godly friendship, it never seems awkward to talk about biblical truths or what God is doing in one’s life. Personally, I consider it a huge blessing to have friends with whom I can talk about these things. Having meaningful, in-depth conversations adds closeness to relationships.

3. Prioritize the needs and desires of others.  

Focus on what you can give to others, instead of on what you want for yourself or what your friends can do for you. Philippians 2:3-4 instructs us: “Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others.” When you’re thinking about what makes other people happy, even putting their needs and wishes before your own at times, it shows that you genuinely care about them.

In practical terms, this might involve not always insisting things go your way. So if you’re going out to lunch with a friend, let him choose the restaurant. Be willing to try the sushi, when it isn’t something you’d typically eat.

Practice acts of kindness and service. You might take a friend out to dinner after she’s had a busy work week, or help her with household chores. Invite a lonely person to a dinner party at your house, even if he’s not in the position to ever reciprocate. Or, surprise someone with a gift of some kind—for no particular reason other than you like her.

It can also mean listening closely to your friend when she wants to share her perspectives, rather than interrupting her so you can tell your story. Cultivate a genuine interest in what others have to say. Ask questions to draw them out—rather than only talking about yourself. Most of us don’t want to spend a lot of time with people who are continually using the pronouns “I” and “me” in their conversations. When you direct your attention on others, it makes them feel valued, which builds a connection with them.

4. Be genuinely happy for your friend’s accomplishments.

The first part of Romans 12:15 says to “rejoice with those who rejoice.” Truth be told, we’re not always inclined to do this. Many times in our dog-eat-dog world, people find themselves competing with friends, sinking to envy if a companion one-ups them. But there’s no way two people can be close if one is jealous of the other.

In a strong, healthy relationship, friends rejoice in each other’s achievements, successes and blessings. There’s no rivalry, envy, comparisons between them, or one person trying to out-do the other. Each person wants the other to do well, even if it means being outshone. Good friends find true happiness in each other’s happiness, always cheering the other on to do his or her very best. That includes when your friend gets the job promotion you wanted, goes on a luxurious vacation you could never afford, or is accepted to the college you couldn’t get into.

We need to remind ourselves that as wonderful as these achievements are, what’s most important is that we’re the kind of people who want to build up others and cheer them on to success (as we’re told to do in 1 Thessalonians 5:11), even if that means they’re going to pass us up. Doing so strengthens our relationships, and it’s also the kind of character God wants to see in us.

5. Show your support when friends are suffering.

We can also struggle with the second part of Romans 12:15 which says to “weep with those who weep.” Sharing another’s pain isn’t something people typically want to do. Very often, our natural inclination is to stay clear of people who are facing difficult circumstances. It can be uncomfortable being around someone who is feeling down or crying. But we need to remember what it says in Proverbs 17:17, that “a brother is born for adversity.” True friends are willing to endure discomfort so they can be there for each other when needed.

This might mean being a good listener to someone who needs to talk, praying or fasting about another’s situation, sending notes of encouragement, providing practical help like delivering home-cooked meals, or simply sitting quietly with a hurting friend who may not want to talk but still doesn’t want to be alone. When we show this kind of support, we can’t help but feel more bonded together.

6. Learn to accept and appreciate those who think differently than you.

You might write off someone as a possible friend just because he or she has a different personality from you or doesn’t share many of the same interests and viewpoints. But if you do that, you can miss out on building a potentially great friendship. The truth is, there might still be things you can connect on. You might also discover that those differing interests or perspectives makes that person fascinating to be around.

The Bible instructs us to show respect to everyone, and essentially value all types of people (1 Peter 2:17). That includes those with backgrounds, personalities, preferences and viewpoints that differ from yours [I’m not referring here to matters of definite right and wrong, but rather to varying ways of thinking that are morally neutral]. Remember that everyone has something unique to offer. Learning to appreciate individuals for who they are is an important way to strengthen connections. Others will feel comfortable being around you, because they know they don’t have to fit a certain mold to be your friend.  

For instance, some of my closest friends are introverts, while I’m 100 percent extrovert. If one of these friends plans a trip to visit us, she may need intermittent breaks to be alone while she’s staying with us (so she can recharge), while I could chat nonstop. Or, my local friends may not “need” to go out to lunch as much as I do. Understanding their needs, even when that’s not the way I’m wired, has kept these friendships going for many years.

7. Be willing to confront friends about their sins, and be patient with them as they struggle to overcome.

Sometimes the differences we see in people are not just varying personalities, but behavior that goes against God’s laws. Now, sometimes people sin willfully, but that’s not what I’m addressing here. Rather, we might have friends who are generally striving to live God’s way of life, yet they’re doing something that is contrary to biblical teachings, which they don’t seem to be aware of. They might not even realize how they’re hurting themselves or others. In that situation, we need to be willing to go to them with our concerns (Galatians 6:1, Matthew 18:15). Once we’ve done that, we should allow them the time they need to change their ways.

We should be supportive and patient with other people as they go through their Christian journeys and God helps them see the flaws they need to work on. This includes not overreacting or harshly judging them for their offenses, and not gossiping about their faults.

This is a teaching echoed throughout the Bible. We’re instructed to “Make allowance for each other’s faults” (Colossians 3:13, NLT), “Uphold the weak” and “Be patient with all” (1 Thessalonians 5:14), and with longsuffering, to be “bearing with one another in love” (Ephesians 4:2). When we’re patient with others as they struggle to overcome their shortcomings, it strengthens our connections with them as they will be able to tell we want what’s best for them, that we’re not going to give up on them, and we’re committed to the relationships.

In summary

Ultimately, all seven of these practices could be summed up as one main point: Get your mind off yourself and onto others. That’s what we’re doing when we rearrange our schedules to prioritize “friend time,” strive to have enriching conversations, make sacrifices for our friends, stay by their sides during good AND bad times, and don’t give up on them when we see their idiosyncrasies or shortcomings. That’s how we draw others to us so we can build new friendships, and it’s how to make good friendships even closer.