Because this pain is pretty new to me, when someone reaches out to shake my hand I often automatically respond in kind out of habit. I tried asking for gentle handshakes in the beginning, but it made others feel too self-conscious. Reaching out has been something I have had to conscientiously stop doing. I sometimes cradle one wrist in the other, or offer my opposite hand like I’m the queen or something, but sometimes that hand hurts too.

I remember a woman back in Missouri who had fibromyalgia. She had to stop coming to church due to her ultra sensitivity to touch. One day, I asked to hug her. Had I not asked and simply reached out and grabbed her, I could have completely ruined her day.

Even a friendly slap on the back, grabbing of the arm, or an arm slung over or around someone’s waist or shoulders can sometimes be a problem.

I am a person who likes having physical contact, so when people found out they couldn’t shake my hand, they also assumed they couldn’t hug me. I am currently trying to correct that fallacy. My point is people are dealing with many things, and we need to be cognizant of that in our daily dealings with others. I know it’s not always easy to change. I still have to think twice before I just reach out for someone because it is so ingrained to greet people we know in one way or another.

I’d like to offer five points that might save people like me a lot of pain and people like all of us a bit of embarrassment or regret.

1) Assume nothing about others. Be the first to reach out your hand, but don’t be offended if it is not reciprocated. Some people are too embarrassed to say anything.

2) If your handshake is accepted, feel free to take a decent grip, but don’t squeeze the hand like it’s a lemon, or shake it vigorously like you’re using a hammer or pumping water.

3) When in doubt, ask. Something like, “Is it okay to hug you?” would work quite nicely.

4) Hugs are great, but people often don’t like to be lifted off of their feet or squeezed until they can’t breathe. A hug is supposed to be warm and friendly, not a fight for life.

5) Things can change on a daily basis for people, so just because it’s okay one day doesn’t mean it is the next. If you think there might be an issue, be gentle.

Obviously, if you know someone well, these things may not apply, but sometimes people’s circumstances change. If you’re aware someone has just been ill, had surgery, or some other happenstance, make it a point to check with him or her.

As I stated, people are sometimes embarrassed and will not tell you if you have handled them roughly or if they had some other issue due to your embrace or handshake; they don’t want to make you feel uncomfortable. Just remember the five things I mentioned, and don’t be offended if someone says, “Please don’t shake my hand.”