Boundaries: Godly Wisdom or Modern Buzzword?

For example, people often call someone a “narcissist,” but in reality, narcissistic personality disorder is a clinical diagnosis that affects only 1 percent to 2 percent of the population (pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC10187400/). So, a selfish boyfriend probably isn’t a narcissist.

In the same way, people sometimes use the word “trauma” to describe a normal but distressing experience. Missing a flight and having to rebook can be frustrating and upsetting, but it’s not truly a traumatic experience.

To be clear, trauma is real, and post-traumatic stress disorder is a serious condition. But it goes beyond the ordinary frustrations of daily life. Narcissistic personality disorder is real, but it’s more than just someone being selfish.

Another common buzzword people use a lot these days is “boundaries.”

Although the concept appeared earlier in psychoanalysis, boundary theory became much more common in the 1980s and 1990s. It was used to describe how people separate or blend work and family life (Christena E. Nippert-Eng, Home and Work, 1996), and to help define ethical boundaries in clinical practice (Thomas Gutheil and Glen Gabbard, “The Concept of Boundaries in Clinical Practice,” 1992). While the idea of “setting boundaries” is a modern term, certain principles behind it are also found in the Bible.

Boundaries are physical, emotional, relational and spiritual limits that define where your responsibilities, choices and authority end and someone else’s begin. Basically, they help you understand what you’re responsible for, what belongs to others, and what you’ll do if someone crosses the line.

In most healthy relationships, many of these limits happen naturally. You treat each other with love and respect, communicate openly and take responsibility for your own actions, so there’s nothing to worry about. 

But sometimes, our relationships can get a little out of whack, and we might start to feel anxious or resentful. That’s when boundaries become so important. Setting clear, healthy boundaries can lower anxiety, prevent burnout, reduce resentment and help solve conflicts.

So what does this actually look like in real life? Consider these situations:

The Go-To Volunteer 

“Mike,” like most Christians, wants to be of service to God and others. He happily says yes to every volunteer opportunity, but slowly, he becomes the only one stepping up. He cleans the church hall every week, even when others don’t show up. He steps in when others cancel at the last minute. Eventually, always saying yes leaves him exhausted and burned out, and he begins to dread every new request. 

Mike decides to set a boundary. He continues to volunteer, but takes on only what he can faithfully manage while making sure he has time for his family and other responsibilities. If someone doesn’t show up for their turn, Mike doesn’t automatically take it over. It may have to remain undone. He communicates the need to those responsible and allows them to decide what should happen. 

Mike’s not trying to control anyone else. He is simply setting limits for himself so he can balance his responsibilities and care for his family. The Bible teaches us to balance caring for our families: “But if anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for members of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever” (1 Timothy 5:8, English Standard Version). 

Again, in 1 Timothy, “But if a widow has children or grandchildren, these should learn first of all to put their religion into practice by caring for their own family and so repaying their parents and grandparents, for this is pleasing to God” (1 Timothy 5:4, New International Version). 

Constant Crisis

“Kelly” has a sister, “Sarah,” who seems to be in constant crisis. When Sarah’s relationship is struggling, she calls Kelly at 2 a.m. to cry and talk for hours. And when her job isn’t going well, she calls Kelly at 9 a.m., even while Kelly is trying to do her own job. Kelly offers advice that Sarah never takes, and still wants to rehearse every difficulty in her life each time she calls. 

Kelly feels anxious whenever the phone rings. She wants to support Sarah, but the constant negativity and sense of responsibility for Sarah’s life are weighing on her more and more.

So Kelly decides to set a few reasonable boundaries. She’s happy to take Sarah’s calls, but unless it’s an actual emergency, she will only answer after work hours and before 9 p.m. She’ll listen to Sarah’s concerns, but she lets her know she only has a set amount of time for her call.

Kelly is still there to support her sister, but she recognizes that she cannot make Sarah’s decisions or fix her problems. Kelly needs to manage her own health, work and responsibilities.

Galatians 6 gives us both sides of this responsibility. Verse 2 tells us, “Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.” Yet verse 5 also says, “For each one should carry their own load” (NIV). As Christians, we should help carry the heavy burdens of others, but ultimately, we’re each responsible for our own lives.

When we set a boundary, it’s important to be clear and concise.

First, we identify the problem—not by focusing on the other person’s actions, but on how their behavior affects us. In Kelly’s case, the problem is that she’s distracted at work, not sleeping enough and feeling anxious because she can’t fix Sarah’s problems. 

Second, we need to clearly explain what we will do if a boundary is crossed. In Kelly’s situation, she tells Sarah: “I care about you and want to be there for you, but I can’t take your calls at 2 a.m. unless it’s a true emergency. If you call at that time for something that can wait, I’ll end the call and put my phone on silent and talk with you sometime the next day.” 

Third, we need to follow through and be consistent with our boundaries. Kelly will have to hang up if her sister calls when it isn’t an emergency, and she should not answer the phone during work hours. A boundary that is repeatedly stated but not maintained will not be effective.

Just as important as understanding what a boundary is, we also need to understand what a boundary isn’t. Cutting someone completely out of your life because you disagree with them, trying to control or punish others, avoiding conflict, refusing accountability or expecting everyone to accommodate your preferences are not healthy boundaries. 

Sadly, “setting boundaries,” instead of being a helpful tool used in a godly way, has become a buzzword, often used to punish people for not doing what we want. It can be weaponized to cut people out of our lives rather than help us build and maintain healthy relationships. 

God tells us to love our neighbor as we love ourselves (Matthew 22:37-39). When we set boundaries according to godly principles and with the other person’s best interest in mind, we can show genuine love—sometimes with a loving “no” and other times by giving a sacrificial “yes.”