Imagined Slights

I think many of you know that when I was in graduate school studying history, I focused on military history. Some people were very surprised. I'd tell people I was studying history, and they'd say, Oh, you're studying church history? No. I know people who've done that. It's worth studying, but they'd be a little surprised if I said, I want to focus on military, not because I'm into blood and gore and killing.

But one of the things that's always intrigued me about military history is that when you study warfare, you find it brings out the best in people and the worst in people. And so you see humankind as they can be and sometimes as they are but shouldn't be. But one of the things that's always been intriguing to me in studying accounts of some battles is stories of men who endure so much.

You can find accounts of people with severe wounds or sleep deprivation, hunger, fear, and yet they carry on. They're able to overcome and keep going. Now, we can see similar things. In times of famine, it's amazing to read accounts of people who just care. They live on, living on almost nothing, and they survive far longer than we would think we probably ever could, even when we're fasting just one day on the Day of Atonement. Or if we come down to even think in your own family at home.

Surely, most of us have experienced it sometime where almost everybody in the family gets sick. You know, the flu goes through the household, and I'm always astounded it's often the mom who's getting up and taking care of people, especially if they're little kids, even if she feels terrible herself. Of course, I put a little note beside that because I thought, well, the moms would say, well, see, this was nothing compared to what I went through having those kids in the first place. But while people might be able to carry on with just terrible physical wounds, sometimes we see just the opposite when it comes to emotional wounds.

Many of us are not nearly so resilient when it comes to those. What I'm trying to say is many people can bear a hurt body much more, it seems, than they can bear hurt feelings. Hurt feelings, you know, can be tough to deal with. This came to mind partly because of something we see in our son, Connor, pretty regularly. Now, I say he's not a little baby anymore, he's still a toddler, and he likes to play pretty rough.

And to be honest, he's a pretty tough kid. And I've been amused sometimes. I'm not sure. I think he picked up this phrase from Bubble Guppies. There's a few cartoons we'll let him watch. It wasn't that one, it was one of the others. But Sue and I sometimes will be in one part of the house, and we'll hear him making the noise of a little boy playing, and we'll hear this crash. And you who are parents know you wait, and you're waiting to see. Is he going to start crying?

Or sometimes we'll hear him say, I'm alright! It's like, okay, he's tough. Yet at the same time, he can have very sensitive feelings. I've seen this a number of times.

At the table, we've got one of those lazy Susans in the middle, that we have salt and pepper and napkins, and he just loves to reach out and spin it around. Sometimes I'll stop that. Stop it. Finally I'll get fed up, and I'll slap his hand. Well, that happened once not that long ago, and I know I didn't slap it that hard, but he started crying to think I'd just rip the arm off.

I think it was partly because I reacted quickly. It struck him unexpectedly. And I've learned what had happened is I hurt his feelings. It wasn't the pain from the slap. I hurt his feelings, and he cried much more than if he'd been physically hurt. Though he's physically still small and pretty vulnerable, his emotions are by far what gets hurt the most. And it's funny, and you know what this is like. I've been trying to teach him, and this has gone on almost over a year or so now.

He's pretty articulate. And I didn't want to, you know, when little boys cry, I thought, I don't want to do the thing that they used to do where they say, oh, boys don't cry, you know, don't cry at all. So I wanted to teach him it's okay to cry in some cases. So if he's crying because he's not allowed to watch something on TV or go play with someone, it's okay to cry when you're hurt.

It's okay to cry when you're sad. But I don't want you to cry because you can't get what you want. Well, what he learned then was when he couldn't get what he wanted, he'd say, I'm so sad! And he'd cry anyways. Well, I don't want to get caught up in discussing child psychology because my thought is, I think Connor is pretty normal in this behavior. And I wonder, I hope I'm not scarring him for life. I don't know how many pastors tell stories on their kids, and then the kids grow up, and hopefully they grow up to be good kids.

Most people readily can get their feelings hurt when they're little children, but maturity helps us become a little less sensitive. We develop more emotional control, theoretically. And then again, I think it's safe to say that we never overcome the ability to get hurt feelings.

I'm not sure that we should ever totally overcome that, but we do need to be able to recognize and manage our feelings. And that's what I want to discuss today.

Sort of recognizing that and managing it. But before I get into any particular techniques, I thought it might be good to look at some examples to show how dangerous out of control hurt feelings can be. There are a couple of examples I want to turn to in Scripture, but first, I want to take one from American history that is familiar to me because I've studied the story quite a bit. This is one of our leading commanders during the American Revolution.

He suffered great physical hardship, debilitating injury. He even lost most of his fortune, and that did not deter him. He was able to endure all of that. Over the course of his career, he led two very dangerous missions through the wilderness.

One of the most noteworthy ones was he had a select group of volunteers, and they asked for volunteers because they knew it would be an extremely dangerous mission, that they were going to invade Quebec Province and hopefully surround and capture the city. So the plan was they got on boats and they were going to go up a river from Maine, up through Maine, reach the headwaters, portage across through the wilderness, and then down another river that would bring them out very near Quebec. On the way upriver, though, the barge that was carrying most of their supplies capsized, lost many of their supplies and almost all of their food.

Well, they weren't about to turn back. They'd come this far, and so they carried on. And if you read the accounts, all the men suffered. Officers enlisted men alike. They all very quickly ate their soap. For some reason, they had soap on them. There were accounts of them eating that. Many of them boiled their shoes and leather harnesses so they could eat those. They were in danger of starving. So the commander decided to take one or two choice men with him and go ahead in a forced march.

They went ahead to reach an inhabited area of Canada, where he spent his own money to buy several head of cattle that they then led back so they could slaughter for the men to subsist.

So, as I say, he spent a lot of his money not knowing if he'd ever be reimbursed. And they eventually did reach Quebec, laid siege to the city, and then launched a bold attack, which failed, to be honest, didn't succeed, and the commander was badly injured in his leg in the process. That didn't deter him. He was well enough to command from a sickbed all through the winter and heal enough so that in the spring he led an orderly retreat and actually commanded a couple of delaying tactic battles that prevented the British from invading and conquering all of New England.

In one battle, his bravery, risking all kinds of things, his bravery and tactical skill, led to a surprising victory. But at the end of that victory, or just the end of the battle where they were victorious, his horse was shot while he was riding it, and it fell. And in an amazing run of bad luck, fell on the leg that had previously been injured, causing another devastating injury. He refused to let the doctors amputate, even though they said he risked death if he didn't. And so he endured, he went through a very painful physical rehabilitation, I'm not sure if they called it that, but very painful healing, and regained almost full use of that leg.

Through this and several other incidents, George Washington realized that this is one of his best commanders, one of his most valuable men. He wanted to promote him to the highest rank underneath himself, and Washington strongly urged this on Congress. But politics got in the way. The men of Congress, of course, remember this, it wasn't the country with the government we have now. It was a loose organization of states sort of cooperating, but not really one nation.

And they were very concerned if they promoted one more general from New England, ahead of someone from Pennsylvania and someone from Virginia and all that, they worried about losing some of their best men. And so they didn't promote him. And this brave commander who had overcome cold, hunger, danger, fatigue, devastating injury and impoverishment, he finally gave up and lost heart when his pride was hurt.

And so Benedict Arnold turned traitor. I don't know how many of you were ahead of me on who that was, if you're familiar with the story, but it's amazing how much good he did. Now, and this is, I think it is right to say that he was mistreated. You know, he deserved that promotion, but that's not at all to say that it warranted, or that he was justified in turning traitor. He did a terrible thing.

But just think, if he'd have been able to rein in that pride and ego, when the United States did win its independence, he would have been a hero right up there in rank with George Washington, John Paul Jones, Henry Knox, all of the men who we look at as heroes. But he didn't. He said it wasn't the injuries, it wasn't the cold, it was the hurt feelings. There's a story in the Bible of another man who similarly allowed a perceived slight just to take control of his life and led to his ruin.

We'll find that in the book of Esther. Let's go to the book of Esther, chapter 3. Now, I'm not going to go through all of the story of Esther. We're familiar with it. I'll put in on this one part of it. And we'll see that the person I'm thinking of is a fellow named Haman, who was a high officer in the king's government. Esther, chapter 3, in verse 1. After these things, King Ahasuerus promoted Haman, the son of Hamadetha the Agagite, advanced him and set him above all the princes who were with him. And all the king's servants who were within the king's gate bowed and paid homage to Haman, for so the king had commanded concerning him.

But Mordecai would not bow down or pay homage. The king's servants who were with the king's gate said to Mordecai, Why don't you trans- why do you transgress the king's command? I'll stop there, because we know it, as it turns out, it wasn't that Mordecai was trying to personally insult Haman, it's that Mordecai was Jewish and he understood God's law.

Mordecai was determined that he would not bow down to anything that was not God, not to any man. That struck me, actually, before I proceed, that, well, if he wouldn't bow down to any man, that means he wasn't bowing down and paying homage to the king, either. We don't read about the king being overly upset. The king probably never gave it a thought. But Haman was different. He did give it a thought. If we look in verse 5, When Haman saw that Mordecai did not bow down or pay him homage, Haman was filled with wrath.

But he disdained to lay hands on Mordecai alone, for they told him of the people of Mordecai. Instead, Haman sought to destroy all the Jews who were throughout the whole kingdom of Ahasuerus, the people of Mordecai.

Haman couldn't just enjoy the tremendous blessings he had. Instead, his wounded pride, his hurt feelings, governed his action. Let's turn ahead to the fifth chapter. We'll see, as a matter of fact, how he felt about this. This is, of course, after some dealings with the king and with Queen Esther. And as I said, the main plot of the story I'm not dealing with. But in chapter 5, verse 10, He said, Moreover Haman said, Besides, Queen Esther invited no one but me to come in with the king to the banquet that she prepared, and tomorrow I'm invited by her along with the king, again.

Yet all this avails me nothing, so long as I see Mordecai the Jew sitting in the king's gate. I don't know if he said it exactly like that, but he has all this, and he says, But I can't enjoy it, as long as I see him there. He, you could say, became obsessed. He'd completely lost control of his emotions. This case of hurt feelings was directing his behavior.

Now, I'm not going to read through all the rest of the story. We know Haman devised this plan to destroy not only Mordecai, but all the Jews. He was so upset he wanted to practice genocide. But, of course, God turned it against him, because God didn't want those people destroyed. And he ended up being hung on the gallows that he'd had built for Mordecai.

But you just wonder, was... yeah, and I'm speculating, was he obsessive-compulsive or something? Why couldn't he just ignore Mordecai? I'm not sure I have the answer, but do you think how much better he would have been if he'd have thought, Yeah, Mordecai, you've got your weird religion, but I'm going home to my palace and eat steak every night. He'll also forget about you.

If he could have forgot about him, he would have lived. Hurt feelings caused Haman to lose sight of what was right in front of him. Now, I'm not saying his lifestyle was better than living a worshiping God. I don't mean that, but as I said, the lack of control of his emotions was what destroyed him.

Let's consider one other case.

This one's completely different, but it's also about emotional pain. This is about a fellow by the name of Amnon. Amnon was the son of a king, King David, to be precise. He had wealth and power. He was, as far as we know, young and healthy, probably good-looking. I'd suppose he could have lots of girlfriends. He was in a position to have several wives if he wanted. But Amnon suffered from an emotional pain, a type of pain that affects all of us at some time. Well, I shouldn't say all of us, most of us at some time or another, especially when we're in our teens or twenties. That's what we call unrequited love.

I say it that way because it's so emotional at the time. Let's turn to 2 Samuel 13, if you will, and see some of his story. 2 Samuel 13, as I said, I don't want to justify him or pick him out for exceptional criticism, except to show that this is the case of the emotions not being controlled and how destructive that can be.

2 Samuel 13, in the first verse, After this Absalom, the son of David had a lovely sister whose name was Tamar, and Amnon, the son of David, loved her. Amnon was so distressed over his sister Tamar that he became sick. She was a virgin. It was improper for Amnon to do anything to her. I say, well, yeah, it was improper to even have those thoughts. Amnon had a friend whose name was Johnadab, the son of Shumya, David's brother.

Johnadab was very crafty. We'll come back to that in a moment. As I said, this is something I think fairly common among people at some time in their lives. Not the sister part, but being in love with someone who is not available or not interested. And when that happens, it hurts. It's a bad feeling inside. I wonder how many love songs have been written about what they call being in love alone. Quite a few. And some of them very pretty. And then there's the time when you're not really alone. The person you're in love with is in love, but with someone else. You get that, the love triangle. And I thought, as I said, how many beautiful love songs have been written, but the one that came to mind, I'm not sure as much of a love song, someone came out in the 80s where it says, you love her and she loves him, and he loves somebody else. You just can't win. So it goes until the day you die. This thing called love is going to make you cry. How many of you know which song this is? It goes, I've seen the reds, the blues and the pinks, and one thing's for sure, love stinks. And after a wrote that, I said, that's what happens when they let younger guys serve in the ministry. They're quoting from classic rock songs. But it sort of sums that up. You get in that feeling, oh, I'm in love with her and she's in love with him, and it's just terrible. But getting back to Amnon's hurt feelings, as I said, not unusual. It's how he led them to act that was really bad. And he listened to this friend, John, and Ab come up with a harebrained scheme to get along with Tamar, thinking maybe something will work out. The idea is, pretend you're sick and ask your dad, David, to make her come over and fix dinner for you. So let's pick up in chapter 13, verse 10.

And she answered, no, my brother, don't force me, for no such thing should be done in Israel. Don't do this disgraceful thing. And where could I take my shame? And you'd be like one of the fools of Israel, so please speak to the king. He will not withhold me from you. Now, I wonder if she was just buying time and she realized she was in a dangerous situation. I'm not sure if she was just talking to them.

Go talk to the king, or maybe it was serious. Maybe he would have let them marry. But in either case, he wasn't listening. In verse 14, he wouldn't heed her voice, and being stronger than her, he forced her and lay with her.

This uncontrolled emotion let Amnon do something that no one would do to someone that he really loved. And then he learned that this physical gratification without the loving relationship for which it was intended, leaves the person just feeling dreadfully empty. It goes on to say, then, Amnon hated her exceedingly, so the hatred with which he hated her was greater than the love with which he had loved her. And he said, get out of here. Arise, be gone. Now that he no longer felt that lust driving him, he felt in full force the hurt feelings of her lack of romantic interest in him.

And so he hurt her even more. As it says in verse 17, he called a servant who attended him and said, put this woman away from her, away from me, and bolt the door behind her. I don't know if Amnon ever contemplated how bad what he had done was, how letting his emotions and his hurt feelings control him had caused him to do so much harm.

And we don't have it recorded in the Bible. We do know one other man thought about it quite a bit. Tamar's brother Absalom did think about it, and he also acted in a way that he shouldn't have. And he plotted to kill Amnon in revenge. Now, it wouldn't be hard to feel that Absalom was justified in killing Amnon, but we know that he should have followed the law. There was a way for him to do this properly rather than planning some secret way to kill him. We could find many other examples of people acting on hurt feelings.

Many of them here in Scripture, multiple cases in history. Probably each of us, if we looked in our own lives, we could find a number of examples. So let's just realize it's there, and let's look for solutions to this potentially disastrous problem. Now, I probably at this point hardly need to say that converted Christians should not, and never really can afford to, allow feelings to lead them into wrong actions, or even wrong thoughts.

Above and beyond the points that I want to make about striving to not get hurt feelings or out of control emotions, I should say at the beginning that even if it does happen, we have to exercise self-control. Even if our emotions are running wild and we feel like doing something, that doesn't make it okay. We should never let anger, depression, envy, pride, or any other feeling to lead us to do or say something that's contrary to God's way of love. That's the standard, of course. But that can be really hard to do.

As the saying goes, talk is cheap, easy to say, tough to follow through on. Often it will require calling on God's help by His Holy Spirit in us. That's the one thing that allows us to bring our thoughts in control. It might also require calling on a trusted friend or family member to help you to think rationally and control what you're doing and thinking.

That's what good friends and family are for. I'll say, it surprised me a little when I began serving in the pastoral ministry. I expected to get people calling and saying, Oh, can you help me with this problem where I'm struggling to overcome this challenge? I was a little surprised at how many times people call because their feelings are hurt.

This person said something or did something that I don't think is right. Well, that's harder to deal with. But it happens. It's a common thing. Now, I'll say the best thing to do is to avoid hurt feelings in the first place rather than have to control them once it goes there. How do you do that? One of the first things to do, I think, when we perceive that something seems to hurt our feelings, now whether it's because of a perceived slight or an insult, whether it's rude or hurtful actions, the first thing I think to do is stop and think. Think things through rationally. Let's turn to Proverbs 19. Proverbs 19, verse 11.

It's probably better to let Solomon tell you this than let me tell you this because he had more experience and wisdom than me. Proverbs 19, 11 says, The discretion of a man makes him slow to anger. Now, discretion is where you're thinking and choosing wisely how to proceed. The discretion of a man makes him slow to anger, and his glory is to overlook a transgression. So that's the opposite. Emotions don't follow logic most of the time. Now, emotions aren't an evil bad thing, but emotions should follow rational thinking and be controlled by it rather than the other way around. If we follow a rational systematic train of thought, it'll do much to connect emotion with reality.

And there's where I want to stress reality. Sometimes thinking things, you see, okay, what's really going on here? Because often perceived insults or offenses aren't real. Or if they are real, they're not what the person with hurt feelings perceives it to be. For instance, when I slap Connor's hand because he's reaching out for something in the table, I know the reality is I didn't slap hard enough to cause that amount of crying. But what's going on? What's the emotional response? Does he suddenly think I don't love him anymore? Is he thinking our relationship is fundamentally changing? And I don't mean thinking this through rationally, but the first thought or feeling that flashes into your head is that the thought, I can never reach out for anything again. And none of those things are true, not even close. But, you know, it's not natural for a three-year-old to think terribly rationally.

And sometimes all of us have trouble doing that. You know, we don't often get our hands slapped literally once we're past being a toddler, but we often experience the equivalent in what something... in what someone might say. I thought of some examples that hopefully are kind of silly, but say you decide to try making a new dish when we have a potluck, and you bring it in and you put all this work into it, and one of the ladies walks up and goes, that smells kind of odd. You know, it's devastating. Or say you're on the speaking list, you give a sermonette, and guess who walks up afterwards, the little sheet of water, you use more scriptures than you should have.

Or say you're at home and you're giving your husband or wife a back rub, and the response is, ow! That hurts! Stop that! All of these things could leave to hurt feelings, especially if they're in the wrong tone of voice. But you think rationally. Someone says your casserole smells odd. She did not say, boy, you're a terrible cook, or you deliberately made something bad. I use the example myself.

I've many times come to men and said, well, that was more scriptures than the guidelines call for. That's not saying, boy, that was a bad sermonette, or you're not a good Christian. Not implying that. If my wife doesn't like my back rubs, that doesn't mean I want a divorce. By the way, Sue hasn't usually said it. Usually it's the other way around. She'll try to rub me, and it's not, it hurts, it's ticklish.

And she gets fed up with me. It's like, I'm not doing it on purpose. But all those things, the negative can be what flashes into our mind, right off the bat. Most often, if we think it through, though, that'll quickly bring us back to more reasonable thinking. And of course, especially if our thinking is guided by God's Spirit in us, which of course that's what's supposed to be there, and we want to submit to having that Spirit lead us. Now, there might be times when we're not so sure.

As I said, probably a majority of times, just thinking through what happened, it's okay. What if someone, you think you do, say someone you work with says, boy, you talk too much, or I don't like what you're saying. And that could hurt your feelings. And you might think about it and say, hmm, no, I'm pretty sure he was trying to be mean. He shouldn't have said that. Well, then what do you do? Well, one of the things I would suggest, there's the principle that's found in Matthew 18, verse 15.

Now, I want to say this. I'm looking at a principle here that's, I think, goes alongside with what Christ intended. But we know in Matthew 18, well, let's go and read it before I read into anything.

Matthew 18, 15. So, moreover, if your brother sins against you. So he's talking about someone that's a brother, someone in the church sins against you. Okay. Then go to him alone and explain what happened. Now, this is relating primarily to brethren in the church. And a sin is a lot different than having your feelings hurt. But the principle can still apply. So, I said, if you go to someone and say, hey, how come you said that about my casserole? Well, a lot of times, if they, you say, oh, I said that, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. You often get an apology right then and there. And if so, I'll say it's important to accept the apology.

Leave that in the past. Don't carry it around as baggage. What if a person's not sorry? What if it was intentional? Or what if it was by a person that you can't go to? Or a person who's not in the church who never read Matthew 18? Well, that can change things a little bit. But, as I said, the principle can be helpful. Because we know this progression. If you won't listen to you, go with one or two witnesses.

If you won't hear them, tell it to the church. And, well, let's read down in verse 17. If it refuses to even hear the church, let them be to you like a heathen and a tax collector. Now, I don't know a lot of heathens and tax collectors in my neighborhood, or at least that we call that. But what that is saying, if someone's doing something like that, treat them as though they're not a member of the church.

Which means you don't fellowship in the same way. You limit your contact. Well, I would say if someone deliberately says mean things to hurt your feelings, that's a time to limit the contact. Avoid someone like that. You know, there's no point in saying, I'm going to make this person like me. I'm going to win him over. I'm going to make him be nice.

Well, sometimes you need to just put the distance between you. Maybe you're not going to win them over until Christ returns and they have God's Holy Spirit. That's the time that they can work. Now, someone who intentionally insults and hurts your feelings and isn't interested in changing is someone you should avoid. But one of the principles I always point out with Matthew 18 is, when you go to your brother, whether it's a real sin or, say, you're hurt feelings, it's always good to remember that when you go to your brother because you think he's doing wrong, it might turn out the other way around.

What if I go to my brother, but it's I'm the one who was sinning? That can happen. A similar thing could happen if I go to my brother or someone who's not even a brother if they're hurting my feelings. I could go up to someone and say, hurt my feelings when you said my castor will smell odd. It does smell kind of funny. Let's talk about what ingredients you used.

You know, it smells kind of like pickles. Well, you know what? Look, thinking back, I was supposed to have used oregano and I used dill weed. Accident like that could happen. Or if you're not put on your reading glasses, it's called for a quarter teaspoon of salt. Oh, no, I put in four tablespoons! Maybe my casserole does smell odd and it tastes horrible. Now, the Matthew 18 principle can bring those kind of things out. That was supposed to be more humorous. It was funny in the morning. My delivery's a little bit off. I needed more coffee. Well, in any event, one of the best ways to avoid being offended or getting hurt feelings is to make sure that you're not the one who's wrong.

Keep in mind that maybe I was doing something wrong and I need to stop and assess. When we know that we're not, matter of fact, let's turn to Psalm 119 for a scripture to support this point. Psalm 119 verse 165. And I deliberately want to read this in the 1611 original King James, because there's a slightly different word in the New King James.

And it's not that either is incorrect, but I want the meaning that comes to mind with the original. Psalm 119 verse 165 says, Great peace have those who love your law.

Nothing will offend them. Now, offense and having your feelings hurt seem to go side by side. Now, I will note, my new King James says nothing will make them to stumble. And having hurt feelings or being offended certainly causes an emotional stumble. But I wanted to point this out. Great peace have those who love your law. I'm going to take the assumption that loving God's law means striving to live by it.

And if I'm striving to live by God's law, I'll know in whatever situation I encounter, I wasn't the one who was doing wrong. So, somebody says something that's kind of mean or whatever, it's easier to let it pass when it's like, well, at least I was doing what's right. And we need to be prepared to be disliked or to be insulted, sometimes living God's way. Let's turn over to John 16.

John 16 will start at the first verse. Again, I want the original King James wording here. John 16.1. Jesus, of course, this is that last Passover with His disciples, and He had a lot of things to tell them, many of which He knew they wouldn't really get until later the Holy Spirit brought it back to their mind with understanding. But He also wanted to relate to them and help explain, look, I'm not about to overthrow the Roman Empire and set up world peace. It turns out there was going to be a while, and they would experience some bad things before that happened.

So in verse 1, He says, These things I've spoken to you that you should not be offended, or New King James made to stumble. I want to say these things so you won't be offended. They're going to put you out of the synagogues. Yes, the time is coming that whoever kills you will think he offers God service. And these things they'll do to you because they have not known the Father or me. So I've told you these things that when time comes to pass...

Um... Okay, I'm going to stop struggling with this and put my glasses on. There we go. These things I've told you, when the time comes, you may remember that I told you of them. I didn't say these things to you at the beginning because I was with you. So I say, I'm warning you ahead of time. There's going to be some nasty stuff happen. Don't be offended. Don't get your feelings hurt. Now, it does come a long way down from being martyred for being a Christian to having somebody say something nasty because you don't play basketball on Friday nights or something like that.

But there is a principle in this that does fit because it says, these things they'll do to you because they have not known the Father or me. All the way from stretching from killing you to insulting you or making fun of you because they don't know God.

Often people hurt your feelings, sometimes even on purpose, because they just don't know any better. They haven't been taught better. Not yet. And a case like that, when that happens, is important. If someone insults me and I can realize he doesn't know better, I need to try to be the one who sees the big picture. I need to be the bigger person and say, you know, there's a God in heaven who loves this person and one day we'll open his mind. One day this person is going to be my spiritual brother.

Do I want to have had it from this time until then weighing down that I held a grudge and I was upset because he hurt my feelings? Or do I want him to eventually, when he has his mind open, say, oh, I was mean to you but you didn't retaliate. You were one of those who knew God all along or early on. That's the position we want to be on. One day all people will know better. Nowadays a lot of people don't. And it's not their fault. God chooses who he calls now. So someone doesn't know better, we can't say, well, why don't you know better?

Get with the program, you. And, of course, another thing I would add to this. We've all been there. If you'll turn with me to James 3. James 3 and verse 2. James 3 verse 2. We all stumble, or, as the King James says, we all offend in many things. If anyone doesn't offend in word, he's perfect, able to bridle the whole tongue.

So we all hurt people's feelings. Often not intentionally. If we didn't do it, we'd be perfect. So one of the quickest ways that will help me to get over it, if someone says something that's hurtful to me, is to remember there have been lots of times when I was the big dummy who did that. And I might not have known it. As a matter of fact, I'd love it if this were a Sabbath when everybody's here. It occurred to me, I've probably hurt a number of your feelings without me realizing it.

I could issue a blanket apology. Blanket apologies don't work as well as when they're one-on-one, and you can say, Oh, now I know what I did. I'm really sorry. But we've done it. I cite Romans 2, verse 1, where it says, You're inexcusable, O man, and whoever you are that judge someone else for what you judge another, you're condemning yourself for you. You are judging. Practice the same things. I should have just paraphrased that. But basically, don't get upset when someone hurts your feelings because you've done it.

And I said, that's me. I don't know how many times I've said this because it's almost a joke, but I'll sit down and Sue will say, Do you realize you said this? I said, What? And usually it's not hurting feelings, I hope. I'll never forget my prior job when we did our Ohio Chautauqua program. We'd go in different towns, and usually I'd be the one who could get up on stage and introduce, you know, Johnny Appleseed or John Paul Jones, whoever it would be, and I would be preceded by local dignitaries, you know, who had their chance to speak to the crowd.

Once, and people told me this afterwards, I had no idea what exactly what I'd said, but apparently I got up and insulted the mayor of this town. Not on purpose, but I mean, not the mayor always over in his office, but I mean, he was on stage before I was, and I got up and said something like, Well, I'll be the last boring person you have to hear from, which implied that all these, and I didn't mean that, I meant, it's been a long time, let's get Johnny Appleseed up here.

But, you know, I said something insulting, and I might have hurt the mayor's feelings. Fortunately, he was pretty understanding. What I'm getting at is, we want to see ourselves in a different perspective, and that's another good principle to avoid hurt feelings, is good old-fashioned humility.

If we can manage to see ourselves a little bit more the way God sees us, it's amazing how less likely we are to take offense at what other people say or do. You know, oftentimes when we're slighted or there's some perceived insult, what goes through our mind is, how dare he say that to me? He doesn't know who he's dealing with. Or he might say, she can't treat me that way. You know, like those celebrities who get pulled over for speeding, and the policeman goes up and they say, Do you know who I am?

You know, because I'm so important, of course, you won't write me a ticket. We don't want to be like that. But I imagine that's how Haman felt. He walks out there and all the other men are bowing down, and Mordecai won't. And Haman was probably saying, He can't do that to me. I'm the king's top officer. But if Haman had been thinking about who God was, there's only one being who we should be bowing down to. And we should bow down to God. When we see ourselves in relation to that, the feelings don't get hurt as easily.

Instead, we can be as Job was at the end of his trial. And if you read through the book of Job, of course, he's stricken, has all these things, terrible suffering, and his friends come to comfort him and ends up this big debate. Oh, you must have sinned to deserve this. No, I didn't sin. I don't deserve this. Oh, you're really bad. No, I'm not bad. And Job progresses to say, I'm being punished unjustly. God isn't treating me right. And so then God shows up and says, Job, where were you when I made all this?

You answer me. Basically, God shows how great he is. And Job then sees himself. And he says, I've heard of you by the hearing of the ear, but now my eye sees, and I abhor myself. I repent and dust and ashes.

When we see ourselves in relation to God and say, I'm nothing but dust and ashes, we're less likely to get our feelings hurt. Let's read Philippians 2 and verse 3. I was going to turn to Job, but I thought it's less turning, but I do want to read Philippians 2 and 3.

I think if we lived by this one scripture alone all the time, our lives would be so much better. Philippians 2 and 3 says, Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit. Do you know who I am? But with lowliness of mind, let each esteem others better than himself.

Lowliness of mind to esteem others better. When we're exerting mental and physical energies in service to others, when we're concerned with their well-being, it's amazing how much we don't even notice things that might have seemed offensive or would have hurt our feelings when we were focusing on ourselves. So a lot of it's the focus and how you see yourself.

An important way to accomplish this, I think, is in being thankful. Face it, when you're truly thankful for what you have, you don't focus so much on what you don't have, even if what you don't have is proper respect from someone else. I love that phrase where a person says, I'm just happy to be here. Sometimes it's a place you're really happy, but sometimes it's just, I'm happy that I can be here.

I'm not going to focus on anything else. I want to focus on a story from Christ's ministry that, well, it's in Luke 17. Let's turn there. I'll mention that this came to mind, and I thought, wow, Frank, you might be stretching this one a little. To set it up, I'll mention that we want to remember that during the time of Christ, the Jews were living around Jerusalem because they'd come back from the Babylonian captivity and re-establish their society, but they were kind of a minority. And they were surrounded, especially to the north, by a large population of what they called Samaritans.

And they called them foreigners. And those were the nice things. They also called them dogs and pigs and heathens. To call someone a foreigner if you were a Jew wasn't necessarily meant to be a nice thing in most cases. Now, it could also mean foreigner, meaning you're not Jewish. Keep that in mind as we read this story. In Luke 17, beginning in verse 12, there we go, Now He entered a certain village, the He being Jesus, and there met Him ten men, lepers, who stood afar off. And they lifted up their voices and said, Jesus, Master, have mercy on us.

When He saw them, He said to them, Go show yourself to the priests. So basically He had mercy and was willing to heal them. Go show yourself to the priests. And as they went, they were cleansed. And one of them, when He saw that He was healed, returned and with a loud voice glorified God, and fell down at His feet, giving Him thanks. And He was the Samaritan. And Jesus answered. He was kind of amazed, not that He was focusing on the Samaritan, but on the others.

Jesus said, were there not ten cleansed? Where are the nine? Were there not any found who returned to give glory to God, except this foreigner? Now, I thought of several of the principles we've been discussing that can be seen here. The first is, though this man might have been hurt by being called a foreigner because of what many Jews implied by it, I think it's pretty obvious Jesus didn't mean it that way.

When Jesus said foreigner, He didn't imply dirty dog scum or anything like that. He just meant, here's someone that wasn't raised according to the law, and yet He's doing what should be done. A second principle, look how humble this man was. At the time this happened, he was faced down at Jesus' feet, and he was thankful. The others didn't see the need to do that.

Perhaps they thought, oh, I should be getting these blessings. I'm one of the chosen people. Not this fellow. He was a Samaritan, and he was just happy to be there, happy to not be a leper anymore. He achieved a great miracle. If we look at ourselves a little bit that way, this is the way God sees us. Not as lepers, but all of us are sinners.

All of us have earned the death penalty. When we understand what Jesus Christ made His sacrifice so that we don't have to die and remain dead forever, we can say, I'm just happy to be here. I'm not going to worry about it if someone hurts my feelings. Look at what I do have. I might have said enough on this subject at this point, and we could go on and on about different individual situations and how to think it through and try not to have hurt feelings.

We want to think rationally, and we want to maintain a positive attitude, featuring humility and gratitude. But there's another side to all this, which we need to consider before we can consider case closed. It might be a challenge to not get hurt when people say or do things that strike us in a bad way, because controlling emotions is difficult. It's one of the... When you can totally control your emotions, you've reached a high maturity. So I think the other side of the equation should be a bit easier.

Hopefully it's a little easier to control what we say and what we do. And that can go a long ways towards not hurting other people's feelings. I've been focusing on just our side to say, don't let your feelings get hurt. But it's good as Christians to say, well, I also shouldn't do anything to hurt other people's feelings as much as it's in my control. I shouldn't want to hurt people's feelings. Matter of fact, I'll mention, if you're in that position, that's not what the sermon is about.

That's a whole different subject. If you think, I want to go out there and give that guy a dose of medicine and bring him down to size. I mentioned earlier, a lot of times people get their feelings hurt because of a misunderstanding. Just not thinking. So we want to be on the side where we are thinking. I think back to that, Tamar. She probably had no idea that Amnon was feeling like this lovesick puppy. So maybe if she had realized, she would have done something different. And I think about Benedict Arnold during the American Revolution, but not him.

Think of the congressman who didn't give him that promotion that he deserved. When they read some of their letters and journals and things like that, they weren't saying, let's figure out how to get Benedict Arnold. He wasn't known as a traitor yet then. He was a great hero. They were just stuck between a rock and a hard place. We can't promote everybody. We're trying not to hurt everyone. And there it went.

We won't often be stuck in that kind of a situation. Very seldom will we be in a place where no matter what we do, someone's going to get hurt. Most of the time, if we think, if we try to see things from another person's perspective, we can't avoid causing offense and hurting feelings. That's where the principle of empathy comes in. And this morning I started debating with myself, empathy, sympathy, they mean similar things. So if any of you have been reading the dictionary lately, and I don't say it quite right, you'll have to pardon me.

But I say when we see things from another person's perspective and understand what he or she may think or feel, that's empathy. And it doesn't necessarily come naturally. It comes more naturally to some than others. But if we can cultivate and practice that way of thinking, it can be very beneficial. And I want to base it on two scriptures. The first one is in Matthew 7. Matthew 7 and verse 12. This is more about doing, but when I compare it, put it within the other scripture, I think we'll see that it implies that we need to try to see things from another person's perspective.

Matthew 7, 12, part of the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus said, Therefore, whatever you want men to do for you, do also to them. This is the law and the prophets. We also often call it the golden rule. Treat other people the way you want them to treat you. The only problem is sometimes people take that very literally. As I said, I don't want to sleep past six in the morning many times. If I call everybody I know because I'd want them to do that to me, that's not being very nice. That's where I want to lead in the other scripture, which I won't turn to, but 1 Peter 3, verse 7.

1 Peter 3, 7 is where Peter is talking about husbands and wives, and he tells husbands, Dwell with your wives with understanding. That includes realizing a difference between men and women, and a difference between this person and that person. We've had different experiences. We have different personality types. You don't necessarily want to treat the other person in the exact way you want to be treated, but you should always want to treat the person with the consideration and the love and concern that you would want. Try to see it from their perspective. Let's see that in Romans chapter 14.

Romans 14, starting in verse 1.

Here Paul is talking about something where people had a disagreement on interpreting God's law, and it was about whether or not you should eat meat. Romans 14, Receive one who is weak in the faith, but not to disputes over doubtful things, for one believes that he can eat all things, and he who is weak eats only vegetables. Okay, so some people wanted to be vegetarians, other people didn't. He said, Let not him who eats, that is, who eats meat, despise him who does not eat, and let him who does not eat, or let not him who does not eat, judge him who eats.

God has received him. Who are you to judge another servant? To his own master he stands or falls. Indeed, he'll be made to stand, for God is able to make him stand. Notice, though, Paul said this about doubtful things. That doesn't mean that we're all free to choose all of our own values and standards and beliefs, especially when it comes to fundamental doctrines.

A fundamental doctrine is like saying, Okay, the Sabbath. The seventh day is the Sabbath, and God commands us not to work. So, if someone says, No, I kind of think it should be Friday. Well, that's not open to debate. But there are a variety of opinions concerning whether or not a person breaks the Sabbath by going out to eat out on a restaurant on that day.

That's a doubtful thing. There are differences of opinion. I shouldn't despise a Christian who has an opinion different from mine, because the fact is it says, To his own master he stands or falls. And I'm not the master. No one in this room is. Now, you would not want someone to berate or insult you because you have a different opinion, so you shouldn't do that to someone else.

Now, on the other hand, you might say, Well, but I would want someone to correct me if I'm in error. Well, yeah, so would I. It's okay to explain what you believe and why. But this is a situation where dwelling with understanding comes in.

How do you present something if... Well, first of all, decide if and when you should say anything. And then how? There are a few people that if you want to tell them something, you pretty much got to hit them with a 2x4, sometimes verbally or sometimes almost literally. Listen to me, I've got to tell you something. And that person might want you to do that.

But not most people. For most people, we'll do well to consider Proverbs 15. Proverbs 15.1, which leads into my second point. Empathy is, of course, seeing and understanding how the other person would want to be treated. Proverbs 15 gets into how we're going to relate and communicate to other people. Proverbs 15.1 A soft answer turns away wrath, but harsh words stir up anger. The tongue of the wise uses knowledge rightly. The mouth of fools pours forth foolishness. This is telling us sometimes it's not a matter of whether or not to say something.

Sometimes it's how do you say it that matters. The same information could be conveyed in different ways. I thought of one of the crudest examples I could think of. I'll pick on John McKinney, since he's over there. Imagine later this afternoon I see him coming out of the restroom and I see something that needs attention. I could say, hey, McKinney, your fly's open! Or, I could walk up and lightly touch him and say, hey John, you need to zip up quick.

Both convey the exact same information. And it's information I'm pretty sure he would want to have. But one is a soft answer, the other's not a soft answer. So, as I said, how we say something can be crucial. I've been in that situation, I've been told that in more than one way. And of course, sometimes when it's just friends, well, I'll leave that behind. Let's read another example, Acts 18. Acts 18 and verse 24. Here's a case of a couple of mature people in the church using a soft answer to help someone. Acts 18 and verse 24. Now a certain Jew named Apollos, born at Alexandria, an eloquent man, mighty in the Scriptures, came to Ephesus.

And this man had been instructed in the way of the Lord, and being fervent in spirit, he spoke and taught accurately the things of the Lord, though he knew only the baptism of John. So he began to speak boldly in the synagogue. When Aquila and Priscilla heard him, they took him aside and explained to him the way of God more accurately. Here they didn't say, why, you don't even know about Jesus Christ, or boy, you're ignorant. They took him aside privately and just explained to him more accurately.

That's using a nice approach, a soft answer, to help someone. And of course Apollos went on to become a powerful servant of God's people. And Priscilla and Aquila, obviously, were pretty good servants. It occurred to me, as I was writing this, what we're talking about in some senses is what we call good old-fashioned manners. Being, you know, considerate of other people. And with that in mind, it's worth mentioning certain words that should be a regular part of our vocabulary, like, please and thank you.

We've all learned that. We're taught that as a kid. Matter of fact, every now and then, we'll play, uh, Connor's got a CD of Sesame Street songs. And I think I've mentioned this one in sermons before. There's one that says, Say, please, and thank you. These are words that you need to know. Say, please, and thank you.

These are words that you won't outgrow. Say, please, and thank you. Be polite, and you will see. Manners are important to remember. Yes, indeed. Have I sung that here before? I know I did. Well, nice little tune. And look, I'll never forget that. And while I should mention, of course, if you're making a request that uses the word please, there's sort of an implied message that the person doesn't have to do it.

If you're saying, please do this, there might be a reason they can't. But, you know, even if you're in a situation where the person has to do it, it's still nice to say please. You know, if I'm at a restaurant and I ask the waiter to bring me a glass of water, I could say, please bring me a glass of water. I doubt that he's going to say, no, I'm not doing it. But saying please is a courtesy. Likewise, you know, even if someone has to do something, saying thank you is always nice. It engenders an appreciation of goodwill, or it engenders goodwill and shows your appreciation.

The other important phrase to add to these is the phrase, I'm sorry, or the other equivalence, pardon me, excuse me, and please forgive me. Even a serious inconvenience or possibility of hurt feelings is much more palatable when, you know, the person causing it apologizes.

And I thought that that concept shouldn't be unfamiliar to us. As Christians, we know all about repentance. Now, repentance, of course, is much more than an apology. It's that deep change. And there are examples in Scripture of people apologizing to others. I'll look at one example, one that's perhaps the most, one of the most dramatic, and that's in 1 Samuel 25.

1 Samuel 25 is the case of where David meets actually a woman that he would end up marrying. But I'll summarize. I'm not going to read the entire story. But this is the period where David was on the run from Saul, and he's got a band of men who are with him and supporting him. And at one point he assigned some of his men to guard the livestock of this wealthy landowner named Nabal. And it turns out Nabal was well-named, and he grew up meant basically a foolish one or blockhead. And he was kind of like that. When David sent some men to say, hey, we've been doing all this for you, could you help us out?

He didn't help them out. Instead, he reviled them. He insulted them, and applied they were runaway slaves. And, you know, it's definitely not a soft answer. And when they went back and reported this, David got angry. David decided, I'm going to lead my men back and teach this guy a lesson. And that's a good example, again, of what we discussed earlier, you know, of what you shouldn't do. Letting hurt feelings and emotion rule you. David let hurt feelings rile him up, and he was going to go kill people, some of them very innocent.

The one person who kept her head in all this was Abigail, Nabal's wife. So if we see in 1 Samuel 25, beginning in verse 23, she goes out to meet David and brings a present to try to appease him. And he also saw David, she dismounted quickly from the donkey and fell on her face before David and bowed to the ground. So she fell at his feet and said, On me, my Lord, on me let this iniquity be. Please let your maidservant speak in your ears and hear the words of your maidservant. Please let not my Lord regard this scoundrel, Nabal.

For as his name is, so he is. Nabal is his name, and folly is in him. But I, your maidservant, did not see the young men of my Lord whom you sent. Now therefore my Lord, as the Eternal lives, and as your soul lives, since the Eternal has held you back from coming to bloodshed and from avenging yourself with your own hand, now then let your enemies and those who seek harm for my Lord be as Nabal.

And let this present which your maidservant has brought to my Lord, let it be given to the young men who follow. Please forgive the trespass of your maidservant. So she's using those words, please, and please forgive. She says, I didn't see them come. She appealed to David's reason also down in verse 30. It'll come to pass when the Eternal is done for my Lord according to all the good that he spoke in concerning you, and as appointed you ruler over Israel, that this be no grief to you, nor offense to heart of my Lord.

In other words, if you do what you had in mind, you're going to feel bad about it later. You're going to be a black mark on your record, that you've shed blood without cause, or that my Lord avenged himself. But when the Eternal has dealt well with my Lord, remember your maidservant. David was moved by this appeal, so much so that when Nabal died, he decided he wanted to marry her.

He saw reason. He realized that he had been wrong in acting on his emotion, on his wounded pride. As I said, his hurt feelings. But Abigail saw the value of a soft answer to turn away wrath. As I said, even when she personally hadn't done wrong, she apologized for her husband's mistakes, and for not having seen them in when he sent them. So as I said, acting on hurt feelings can cause a lot of harm, but empathy and an apology or soft words can do a lot of good. In this case, we all want to emulate Abigail as an example, and not David's.

And it occurred to me that this story of David brings this full circle to where I began. Humans can endure a lot of physical pain and suffering, especially if they have a strong motivation to do so. And David had done that. David had endured fatigue and hunger and fear, and he'd been sleeping in caves and marching long miles. But at one point, this insult and harsh accusations made him angry enough to kill, something he would have regretted the rest of his life.

Now, we can say, thankfully, we know David did overcome that. And I'm amazed—I don't want to take the time to read it—but when he was in the run for his life from Absalom, and this Benjamite came out—I think it was Shimio—was his name started throwing dust in the air and throwing rocks and calling David names, you know, one of David's commanders said, let me go cut off his head. And David said, no, no. You know, my own son's trying to kill me. Why should I be upset if this guy calls me some names? David grew a lot from the time that Abigail had to stop him from avenging himself.

That's important. If it was not okay for even a man after God's own heart to lose control of his emotions, how much more for us?

So we need to use the power of God's Spirit, along with rational thought and control, to not let our emotions get out of hand. And then, of course, on the other side, we need to control our words and our actions so that we don't cause hurt to others. In both cases, open communication and well-considered words of kindness are vital, and it's worth doing. We'll be glad we did, because we should think and strive and work to avoid hurt feelings.