Marriage Principles

Years ago, my wife was looking at a recipe book, and she found a recipe that she gave to me called Recipe for a Peach of a Husband. Now, I think this was a real recipe book. She may not remember this, this was some years ago, but I actually wrote down the recipe. Okay, this is...so this is how...if you're picking a husband, this is how the recipe for a peach of a husband. Husbands like peaches will not keep the year round unless they are well preserved. First, select one carefully. Be sure he is not too green. Neither should he be overripe. He might look very tempting and mellow in the market, but if he is too old, he will not stand the test of the preserving process. He will expose his heart and stony heart. Give him plenty of sweetness. Much sugar is needed. Vinegar is never used in sweet preserves. If you think he needs a little spice, use it with caution. Do not keep stirring him up. Neither should you keep poking him with a sharp point to see if he is well done. It will spoil his looks. If the recipe is followed and he has selected the right kind of husband, you will find his love well preserved. So, she thought that was funny and she gave it to me. I have kept it all the years. What would be great if marriage was a simple recipe? Here are the 15 ingredients and how much you need to add. You do this five times a day, you need this three times a day, you do this once a week. Do these 15 things, but that is not how it works. There is probably no more complex relationship than there is between husband and wife.

We're designed differently. It's not a huge amount. Certain scientists say, now, the difference between the male and female brain is only 3%. So, we're 97% alike. The 3% makes a huge difference.

I won't say what the difference is between human beings and gorillas, but it's not a whole lot of difference. So, men, we are gorillas. No, that's it. But there is a difference. And we're designed to interact with each other, but it's very complex. And it's very complex as we live in a world and that does not follow God's instructions on male and female relationships at all.

So, really, when we get down to what God tells us, how marriage is supposed to work, it seems strange. It really seems strange because, but that's not what nature seems to teach us. Well, it is not what corrupt human nature teaches us. Unfortunately, many times we can put more time and effort in making a cake and following that recipe than the time and effort it takes to actually make a marriage work. Now, we can spend more time fixing our cars and making sure they're fine-tuned than working on our marriage and making sure it's fine-tuned. The problem with marriage there's a number of things, as I already mentioned, that make the marriage relationship difficult. One is it's not a static relationship. You know, if my wife was just exactly the 20-year-old girl I married, life would be perfect. Right? You know, there's an old saying that every woman marries one man in her lifetime. Every man marries between three and four. And there is a certain amount of truth to that because men change over the course of a lifetime. We grow. But there's something basic at the core of the man that doesn't change. I mean, you give us a ball and we're still 18, right? But women go through dramatic changes. In their relationship, they're first a wife, then they're a mother, then all the kids are gone and she has to redefine herself entirely. I mean, they go through dramatic changes. We do too, men, but it's not as dramatic as they do.

And so it's not a static relationship. Plus, life throws stuff at us all the time. People get sick, you have a car accident, you have financial problems, or you have job problems. Everything in life that's thrown at us affects the relationship, doesn't it? It affects who we are and how we interact with each other. And so most people enter a marriage with one belief. We're different. Because the way we feel we won't make the same mistakes we see all the old people make. Ours, our marriage, we won't have any of those problems. We'll never argue like this couple. We'll never not talk to each other like this couple. We'll never do this. No. And every marriage, everybody enters thinking that. Thinking that, oh, we're not going to have any problems. I remember one time I did marriage, this is years and years and years ago, I did marriage counseling with a couple and explained some of the difficulties they had. And I'll never forget the woman started to laugh. And she looked at me and she said, you really don't know much about marriage, do you?

They were divorced within a year. I had suggested they not get married. They were divorced within a year. So, you know, this is a complex relationship. And as you enter into marriage with this ideals, and then as time goes on, we begin to sort of lose those ideals of what this is going to be. It's sort of like this. I read this one time. How a man reacted to his wife right after they were married, the first year of marriage, and she got a cold. And his reaction was, sugar, I'm worried about my little sweetie pie. You got a bad sniffle. I want you to go to the hospital for a complete checkup. Second year. Listen, honey, I don't like the sound of that cough. I've called the doctor. He's going to come right over. The third year, you better lie down, honey. Nothing like a little rest. If you're feeling bad, I'll bring you something to eat. The fourth year, look, be sensible. After you've fed the kids a wash of dishes, you better hit the sack. The fifth year, why don't you take a couple aspirin? After the sixth year, if you just gargle or something instead of sitting around barking like a seal, it might help.

Well, that's only funny because if you've been married longer than six years, you say, yeah. Phil Cosby does a great... years ago, I went to see him. Kim and I went to see him in Houston, and he did a routine on how things changed. And it was just everybody was laughing. And we looked around at the people who were there dating, and they were just looking at each other.

But all the couples who had been married any length of time were just doubled overlapping. Those who weren't married or just been recently married, it was obvious. These people are weird. They had no idea what he was talking about.

There's no exact recipe. And there are some things about each couple that's unique. One of the things I do in pre-marriage counseling, either marriage counseling, I tell people, there are certain things I can't give you the exact answer to because you're unique. I can't fix it. Unless you want to marry me, I can't fix it. And I don't want to marry both of you, so you're going to have to go fix your problem in the way that you fix it. I can only give you the principles. I can give you the principles of how things work. There are certain things each couple has to work out for themselves. But there are certain ingredients that make up a happy marriage.

There are certain ingredients. Okay, let's figure out some ingredients. And now the first thing we have to ask, and what we're actually picking up here, you know, I gave the sermon on adultery, on one that we wrote through, we're going through the Ten Commandments, and I talked about how to sort of make sure that adultery doesn't happen in your marriage. And I gave a couple principles. We're actually picking up where we left off there, here, in the first part of this sermon. And that is, okay, let's get some ingredients to make this work. But the first thing you have to answer is, who's the cook? In my house, I am not the cook. I try. And my wife says, please leave the kitchen. I mean, she does. She's very nice about it. But get out of here. Please leave the kitchen. Can I help you? No. Okay, go watch TV. You know you mess up. When your wife says, go watch TV. Okay. So she sends me out when she cooks. But who's the cook in the marriage? Well, the guys are saying, good, this is it. He's going to say, I'm in charge. I'm the cook. Not really. Who's the cook in your marriage?

Who eventually do we submit to in the marriage? Now, we can talk about marriage roles, but we're actually not going to talk about marriage roles today. Roles are important. We're going to touch on it here, but that's not the main direction we're going to go in. Let's go to Genesis 2.

You can't have too many cooks.

My wife learned early that if she was helping my mother cook, do what my mother wanted. And she learned early that when my mom was visiting her, my mom sort of got treated like I did, only nicer. Oh, do worse. Go watch television. And it was like, I'll do the cooking so my mom has never cooked. But she was fine because she doesn't like cooking anyways. But you're going to be one cook.

Verse 18, we know the story here, but let's look through the story. Let's read it once again.

Verse 18 of Genesis 2, the Lord said, it is not good that man should be alone. I will make a helper comparable to him. Now, this is a real important point here.

God made Adam first, and there's a reason for that. A couple reasons. One of the first things he did with Adam, though, was he made him realize he was alone. He had him name all the animals, and all the animals were in pairs. And that was pretty exciting, you know. What do you call this one? Big trunk. Okay, this is called big trunk. What do you want to call this one? Fast runner. Okay, so the gazelle now is the fast runner. He named all of them, and he and God had a conversation. And it was very exciting, a very wonderful, and amazing experience. And when it was done, he looked at God and said, but there's nobody like me. There's nothing here like me. You're God, you're the creator, there's all these animals that I am unique and alone. That's important for us as men, because we need to enter into marriage with an understanding that we are alone. We are alone. And we like to think, well, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, you know, strong, silent type. Actually, we're designed not to be alone. We're designed that way. That's not a matter of weakness. It's a matter of design. So, guys, you say, oh man, he's turned down my masculinity. It's the exact opposite. We have to come to grips with, yeah, God made someone for me because he's not good for me to be alone. Now, I start saying all men, you know, some men never marry and live fine, happy lives. But most of us need to have a woman's influence in our lives. That's why it says here in verse 19, skip down a little bit, out of the ground the Lord God formed the beast of the field and everything of the air. You see what he would see them. Verse 21, or what he would call them. And he says, and the Lord God caused the deep sleep to fall on Adam, and he slept, and he took one of his ribs, closed the flesh of his place. Then the rib which the Lord God had taken from him, he made into a woman, and he brought her to the man. And Adam said, this is thou bow to my bones, and flesh of my flesh, she shall be called woman, because she was taken out of man. Therefore men, in verse 20, where is this, leave your father and your mother.

Be dedicated to her. So we find a lot of things here. One, it's not a slave, master-slave relationship. She's made out of his ribs. She stands right beside us. She's right beside us. It's not a master-slave relationship. We need her.

So we have to understand, we come into marriage, women do too. We all come into marriage with needs. We'll talk about that. But we have to acknowledge our needs. We need her. We come into our marriage with that need. That's okay, we're designed that way. She is to stand right beside us.

But there's a couple things here that we can miss. One is, Adam's made first for a reason, ladies. Eve would have really looked up to him. Can you imagine? One day you wake up, and there's someone sort of like you there. And God brings you to him and says, I've made you for him. Because look what it says back in verse 18. It is not good that man should be alone. I will make a helper comparable to him. And this is one of the great things that our secular society teaches that's wrong. Well, let me see. The first one is, man, you don't need a wife. Most of us do. And two, he was designed to be your helper. And no, we were not. You were designed to be our helpers. So it says, you were designed emotionally, physically, you're designed to be a helper to your husband. That's not a common idea, is it?

So the Scripture says, at the very beginning, that's why you were made different. He could have made us all men. And we could reproduce some other way. I mean, there's animals that reproduce and they're all the same sex. Right? He could have made us lay eggs.

Right? He did not. And the first thing is, man, you are incomplete and you can't become a man until you accept and understand I am incomplete. I need this person to stand beside me, not behind me, but beside me. Real important. And she's made to say, I have made you. Oh, wow. How long did Adam exist? She had no idea at first. Wow, I've met God and now I've met Adam. I think of her experience. Whoa. Okay. You're made for him. Okay. What am I supposed to do? I mean, I'm made for him. I am his helper. So we have to understand. We all have been... our ideas of marriage have been affected by such deep concepts that many times we're dealing with how to have romance in marriage, which is important, how to solve conflicts in marriage with support, how to do this, how to do that, which are important. But we have to go back to core ideas of why do we have the complex? And a lot of times, man, it's because we're not holding her right beside us. We're treating her a way that literally puts her behind us. That's wrong. You'll never have a happy marriage because she wasn't designed to do that. And ladies, it's because he's your helper. And the truth is, he's not designed to be. We're not designed to be your helper. Now, that doesn't mean we're not supposed to help you. Understand. We are supposed to help you.

But mostly, your design is a helper to us.

Now, when we understand what real leadership is, we're supposed to help you with everything. But that's a whole other subject. We can only cover so much in an hour. So we get to look at the big concepts. So we're looking at this now. So the thing is, the real point here is, if you want to have a better marriage, you have to first decide who's the cook, because so much marriage conflict is over who's doing the cooking.

That's who's doing the cooking right now. Get out of my kitchen.

And one of you saying to the other one, it's my kitchen. You will do what I want. And that's so much of marriage conflict. And you say, well, why do we do that? Because we're not dealing with logical issues. We're dealing with emotions. Oh, it'd be so much easier if we were just dealing with logic. And what do you see with some facts? Well, honey, here's facts number two. One and two, you go do this. But that's not what this is all about.

We're dealing with the deepest emotions that human beings have, and all of our emotions are damaged. Satan's done a job on everyone else. So here we come into a marriage with all these damaged emotions, and then we open our hearts up to this other person who also has damaged emotions, and we're supposed to get along. Because we all bring these needs. We all bring these desires, these, these, what we think this marriage should be, and what we need in a marriage. People bring real needs in the marriage, intense needs. Adam was designed to have an intense need for his wife, and it was exposed to him by God. And Eve had an intense need for her husband, to love him, to help him. And so here we, and to be loved. This intense need to be loved. You were made for me to be your helper. Love me, take care of me, show me, be my friend, be my equal. Be someone I can respect. Men need to be respected.

Men need to feel like, wow, she's come into my life. God gave her to me to help me, to make me a better person. But we also bring all this selfishness and other things in.

We'll talk about needs sometime in a sermon, because that's a very, there's been a lot of studies done on the human need for marriage. All the psychologists that do it, do those studies, come up with one conclusion. We're supposed to get married, which goes against society. There's a strong belief among psychologists today that we are like other animals, and that we're supposed to have multiple mates. So, actually having a lifelong marriage is against nature, and therefore is evil, because it's against nature. Because it goes against every basic need God created in all of us. So, what I want to talk about is two ingredients that we can bring into a marriage. Just two. If we know who the cook is, now these aren't going to be what we normally talk about when we talk about marriage, because these are two emotional issues. A whole lot easier for me to talk about doctrine. Okay? Let's just go through, do I die and go to hell? I can deal with that one. But now we have to deal with these emotional issues. There's a lot more complex, and it's not as exact because every one of us in the room are the same in some ways, and every one of us in the room is a little different than some might in some ways.

So, we got to deal with this complex issue that we all share, and yet we all share a little differently. And you can't say, by the way, okay, I'll do this when my mate does it.

We are equal before God. That means we have equal responsibility before God. So, a husband can't say, well, I'll start loving my wife when she respects me, and is unacceptable. Or, I'll start loving him, or I'll start respecting him when he loves me. That's unacceptable. If we are equal before God, we have to do what we're supposed to do.

It's not easy. But it's the whole point of equality. You and I are sons and daughters before God, and we go before Him the same spiritually. Therefore, we are expected to do our parts the same. It's not dependent on the other one. First point I want to talk about, the first ingredient, is something that every human being has designed into us, and it is a basic need. Actually, it's part of our need for God, but it also breaks down into our need for relationships. And it really comes down in marriage, is that all of us have a desire to share ourselves with others, and to be understood. I just want her to understand me. I just want him to understand me. But I don't know. He's so dense. He's just too stupid to understand me. Or I can't understand her. She's... what's the line from Star Trek? A collection of illogical thoughts and emotions. And Spock said, that's because she is a woman. So we have these generalities, you know, and we throw them at each other, and so we don't understand. And yet, every one of us has an incredible need to be understood.

Now, understand means to stand under somebody, to hold them up, to look at them, to really say, I get what you're saying. I get what you're feeling. And it is a basic core human emotional need. It is one of the greatest issues between parents and children. How many times have you heard a teenager say, you just don't understand me as they slam the door? Right? And that's how they feel, because there's this need to be understood. And sometimes you say, oh, I understand you, just way too much more than you think I do. Because I've been there. And sometimes we don't understand. You know, what I talked about, parenting two weeks ago, I talked about the need to understand our children. Sometimes we think we understand them when we don't. And so we're just throwing things at them that are making no sense of them because we're missing their point. And of course, it's very difficult for children and parents because they don't have the same experiences. They live long enough. So these are real issues. And a husband or wife, the need to be understood is so intense, because that's the one person in life. If nobody else understands you, you want your husband or wife to understand you. Look what Peter says in 1 Peter 3. Because so much of the time, we need to be understood so much that it overrides our ability to logically understand. You know, I need to be understood and you don't understand me, so I'm mad at you. And the other person is saying, what? I need to be understood and you don't understand me, so I'm mad at you. And everybody's hurt. Nobody's understanding. So now we'll talk a little bit about leadership here. 1 Peter 3.7. Husbands likewise dwell with them with understanding. Dwell with them with understanding. These are the instructions. Try to understand. First of all, we have to understand God's instructions to us, because He's the cook. We also have to try to understand them. So part of our leadership is we must try to understand them. As I've told my son-in-law, God made women so that you and I will spend a lifetime and never totally understand them. And that's part of the fun of it. We're always trying to figure them out. Well, they figure us out about three weeks after they know us, okay? It's not that tough.

But it's one of the things that keeps us, it frustrates us, but it also keeps us engaged. It keeps us engaged. I don't understand. What we have to learn to say is, I don't understand. We have to say that. We have to express it. But for he says, with understanding, giving honor to the wife as to the weaker vessel, not spiritually weaker, but in most cases women are physically weaker. I mean, most men, if they wanted to, could physically manhandle their wives.

And there's no quicker way to destroy a marriage than to physically manhandle your wife. How could she ever trust you? And it's like adultery. Adultery is so hard because it breaks trust. Physically abusing a woman, how could she ever trust that you won't do it again? That's a terrible thing. Now, I have seen a couple of cases in my life where the woman beat on the man, but that's not, you know, most cases. So he's dealing with the generality here. As to the weaker vessel, as to being heirs together, which is the whole point, spiritually, we go before God the same, even though we have different abilities. We're designed differently, and we react differently, and we process things differently, because we have different roles. Understand, we have different roles. But before God spiritually, we're the same, and that's very important because we're equally responsible. Because we're equally responsible for what we do in marriage, husband and wife.

We can't throw it all on the other person. Aires together of the grace of life, that your prayers be not hindered. And that last statement has bothered me throughout the year. Because I know there are times where God isn't listening to me, because He said, look, son, you know, I made you the man first.

So you're supposed to be the leader here, and you're not treating her right. So don't come talk to me. There's been times in my life I know, God, you son, listen to me. I've got to go fix it with my wife. I'm required to. It is what I'm supposed to do. If I don't do it, God's gonna say, son, don't come talk to me. And whatever you do, don't come and complain about her to me. You go deal with it with her. That's what leadership is. That's what we're designed to do. That's what we're supposed to do. We have to learn to do that. It may not be what we feel. Now we can apply this to women in terms of that you have to understand us. Because you can't be our helpers if you don't strive to understand us. I had women say, well, I understand my husband and he just, you know, he's just barbaric. No, he's a man. You know, after, and I, you know, we have to understand something. Our society tears down masculinity. And it tears down male traits.

And that's wrong.

My wife gave me after we married a few years. She said, I figured something out. And of course, at this point, I'm thinking, oh no, this is probably not good for me. But anyways, she says, I figured something out. She said, you've been hurting me. And I'm thinking, I have no idea what I've done. She said, and I've been upset with you because I thought he has to be doing this on purpose. And I'm still thinking, what have I done? What have I done? And she said, but I figured it out. You would understand if you were a woman.

She said, you really don't know. And I said, I have no idea what you're talking about.

And she said, I get it. It was like she'd been set free. She was all smiling. I get it. You're not doing it on purpose. You're just dumb. Well, yeah. She actually didn't say that. She just said, you're not. She said, you're not doing it on purpose. I'm the one who says, yeah, I'm just dumb. I don't really know what you're talking about. So she explained. It was like, oh, I can change that. That's not okay. Yeah, I had no idea that was having that effect. You can't expect the other one, you know, just understand because you didn't marry another woman and you didn't marry another man. You know, well, if you love me, you would understand it's an absolute falsehood. If you love me and understood everything just because you love me, then you're probably not married to a man.

Because we're not going to. And, ladies, you're not going to understand us. I wish I had a dime for every time my wife would be upset with my son and I'd say, leave it alone. But Gary's going to hurt himself. Yeah.

One day she called. She was like a little guy. She called me in the window. I think I told you this. And he's running and trying to run up a tree.

And fallen down and don't know it over and over. She said, what in the world are you doing? I said, oh, he's trying to run up a tree. She said, why? He's going to hurt himself. And I said, no, he's, his brain is trying to figure out his relationship to the world. He's trying to, the physics of it. I understand this. I tried to fly, you know, making box wings. I understand. He's trying to run up a tree. He's going to get hurt. Probably. Well, Gary's got to stop him. No, he'll come in and I'll say, he didn't work, did it? And he'll say, no. I say, you can't give enough speed to do that. You cannot get enough speed to defy gravity. And we'll have a little discussion about gravity and the physics of it. And he'll realize his relationship to the physical world. That's all he's trying to do. No, girl will do that. Probably not.

They would sit around and watch him and discuss him. Leave him alone. As a grown man, I've had to tell my wife, leave him alone. That's not a good decision. No, it's not. And then I know three months later, hey, dad, I'll get a phone call. Man, you know, I did such, yeah, it's not working out. Yeah. I remember one time he left home and he was going to get this job in Houston. He's about 19 years old. That job wasn't going to work. He was a, it was, it was a job where they were scamming people. I explained to him a little bit. No, no, off he went. Gary, are you going to stop him? Yeah. It took him two weeks. Dad, you know, this honest, this whole thing is? Yeah. Dad, I can't do this. They're lying to people. Yeah. Can I come home? Yeah. Yeah. You have to understand us too.

And we have to understand you because it's what we both want. Now, remember, understanding doesn't mean an agreeing. We don't have to agree with each other.

In fact, sometimes when you understand somebody, you can actually change their mind easier. You know how you know you understand somebody? Is when you listen to them and ask questions and then say, okay, is this what you feel? And you explain it back. And they say yes.

Now you can say, oh, okay, I understand that. I disagree with how you got there. Let me explain how I feel. But as soon as you say, this is what you feel, yes, that's what I feel. You've already won half the battle. Because that's what we want to be understood. Sometimes you say, I understand that, but I don't understand why you feel that way. And you know what you get back? I don't either. It's just how I feel. I understand how I feel. Why? Okay, well, there's no understanding of this. Well, just accept it. Understanding. Now, that's hard for us, guys, because we want to analyze everything down to the point where we have the reason. And sometimes there are no reasons. There's just this reality. There just are no reasons. It's just reality. Or the reasons are there's always reasons. What I mean is it's too complex. You know, it's just too complex. There could be a physical reason that someone is depressed. And we don't understand the physical reason. So we keep trying to give a solution that's not physical.

And you know, it's just a physical reason. I remember having a long discussion with a man one time years ago. He just was absolutely sure that PMS was not a real physical state. And it was just an excuse for his wife to be mean to him.

So I explained to him the physical reasons for this.

I guess nobody explained it to him before. He thought she was making it up.

He did not understand because he had never experienced it. You see what I mean? How do I understand something I've never experienced? Therefore, she must be making it up.

I've never met a man who felt that way. I never met a man who acted that way two days out of the week. Okay. Well, let's deal with the physical reality. I wish I would have heard that, but I'm not going to ask. To keep this in the right direction. We're going to Philippians chapter 2.

Philippians chapter 2. This is what he wanted me to understand?

I'll never forget another man I was talking to. He said, explain to me, PMS. I said, I don't know. I can only tell you how women in counseling sessions have explained it to me. I said, have you ever got up and not eat breakfast and grabbed two cups of coffee and a couple donuts? And it got to work and you're just busy and stressed out and you have, you know, you got there late because of traffic and then you drink another cup of cup of cup of coffee and two more donuts? What do you feel like after that? I'm not so that's it.

Don't eat, be under extreme stress for about four or five hours with nothing but five or six cups of coffee and a half a dozen donuts. And that seems to be what it's like.

See what I mean? That's the closest I could come.

And you know what the guy said, oh, that's going to be terrible. Okay, we have some understanding now, okay? We don't know completely, but we understand.

Understand.

Philippians 2. How many times have we read this and we apply it to how we're supposed to treat each other in the church? But this, these are exact instructions that apply to husband and wife. They apply to any relationship. So if the closest relationship we have is husband and wife, this applies to husband and wife. Therefore, if there's any consolation in Christ, if any comfort of love, if any fellowship of the Spirit, if any affection and mercy, fulfill my joy, Paul says, by being like-minded, having the same love, being of one accord and of one mind. Now, that doesn't mean you have to think exactly the same. You can actually disagree, but you have to have understanding to have this. You have to understand.

Let nothing, verse 3, be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself, and let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others. In other words, the interests, the needs, the desires, the issues of your wife must be just as important as your issues are to you. And wives, his issues have to be just as important to you as yours. You say, but wait a minute, we have a conflict. That's right. You have a conflict of interests. You must understand each other's interests, and they must be important to you. But if her interests are important to me, that means I don't get to go hunting. There's times you don't. That's right. There's times you don't. Oh, but wait a minute. If I put his interests first, that means I'm going to have to work part-time instead of full-time. Yeah, there's times you may have to do that.

Yeah, that's what this means. And too much of the time what we have is two people who are fighting for their own interests. When we got married, we agreed to make that other person's interests as important to us as ours. It didn't say give up your interests. It said, make them the same. Now, isn't it easier to talk about men you're in charge of women you have to submit? But see, if that's all we say, we just build bad marriages. That's how we build.

We have to deal with these emotional issues and intellectual issues that are at the heart and soul of this relationship. And understanding is one of those great needs. See, you and I, all people come into marriage believing the other person is going to fulfill certain emotional, mental, and physical issues in their lives. But you wouldn't get married if there wasn't some benefits, would you? You get married because this is going to be my best friend, and this is going to be my lover, and this is going to be my confidant, and this is going to be the person that holds me up, and this is going to be the person who stands beside me no matter what. But we come in with all these expectations, and very few marriages can live up to the expectations that people have before marriage. You have to be very mature people to have expectations that are reasonable. So we enter into marriage with unreasonable expectations. In fact, people come into marriage thinking, oh, once I get married, I'll never be depressed. I suffer from depression. All I need is to marry him, and I'll never be depressed. Oh, you know, I haven't been real happy. If I just get me a wife, I'll be happy. You know, if you're unhappy all the time before you're married, you'll probably be unhappy a lot after you're married. Because we bring ourselves into the relationship, and we have this expectation this other person is going to be everything to me.

And this other, he's never going to be without a job. He's never going to lose his hand.

She's always going to be 110 pounds.

And as these unreasonable expectations get out of control, we become angry, we become bitter, and we begin to try to control and manipulate the other person into being what we want them to be. But they were never that anyways. They couldn't be that. And so here we have these unreasonable expectations. There are very real needs we bring into marriage that are fulfilled or can be fulfilled in marriage. You know, sometimes people will bring into marriage needs that only God can fulfill. You could only have love, joy, peace, mercy, long suffering, gentleness, faith, right? Through the Spirit of God. Your mate can't help you have all those things. Now they can make it easier, but they can't build those things in you. God does that. And we can actually think this person is going to heal every emotional problem I have. And no, they can't.

You know, they can take away loneliness. In a happy marriage, there's happiness. But nothing can take the place of God. In fact, if you put your mate before God, you're going to destroy your marriage. It will not last. Or if it does, it won't be happy.

So we have to understand. And that means we also have to understand ourselves. We have to understand, are we making unreasonable expectations on this marriage? Remember this important truism. In a healthy marriage, each partner is not dedicated to forcing the other person to be a good mate, but dedicated to becoming a good mate. We have to spend our energy saying, I'm going to be the best husband I can be. The best marriages are when the husband is saying, I'm going to be the best husband I can be, and the woman is saying, I'm going to be the best wife I can be. When two people are concentrating on that instead of changing the other person, you're going to have a good marriage. So that's our first ingredient in our recipe, is just understanding, working to understand, to ask each other questions, strive to understand. And it's hard because emotionally we're at a place with that other person that what happens is almost immediately we're defending ourselves because it hurts. Another person can say something, he'd say, I don't care what they say, but your husband or wife say something, there's immediate pain and emote. So we defend ourselves instead of understanding. It's a hard process to go through, but that's a whole other subject, too. That's how we deal with conflict resolution. Our second emotional issue we have is the need to forgive. Now, usually when we talk about the need to forgive, we talk about the person who committed the offense and their need to repent. So forgiveness can take place and this relationship can be restored. I know talking to here to the person who committed the offense, I'm talking to the person who was offended. When your husband or wife does something that hurts you, it's real. So I'm not saying, oh, act like it wasn't wrong. The whole issue of forgiveness is what the person did was wrong, right? Well, God forgives us, he doesn't say, you know, stealing isn't that bad. That's not what he says. He says, it's horrible. It's a crime.

The only way we can have a relationship is I must forgive you. You know, in a marriage, the only way that relationship can be sustainable is if we forgive each other every day. We forgive every day. As the person who has been hurt, there's three reasons why you need to forgive. And they're all emotional. Well, one of them is in two of them. You need to forgive. And the first is spiritual, Matthew 6. Now, we'll apply this into other relationships, but let's apply it now to husband and wife, Matthew 6. Verse 14.

For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly father will also forgive you. So let's put an error. If you forgive your husband, if you forgive your wife, their trespasses, your heavenly father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive your husband or your wife their trespasses, neither will your God forgive your trespasses. In other words, when you refuse to forgive your husband or wife, when you refuse to do that, when you hold on to that bitterness and that anger and that hurt and you just refuse to give it up and you want payback, you want them to be hurt.

I'm not saying what they did was right. And there's a penalty for every sin. So if your husband or wife sinned against you, and I mean they called you names, that's a sin, they did something horrible to you, you know, I don't mean just mean committing adultery. I mean we sinned against each other all the time, this husband or wife.

When we sin against each other, there's a penalty for that. We all pay a penalty for our sins. But we're talking to the person who has been offended. If you want a relationship, you must forgive. If you do not, you cannot have a relationship.

It's not possible. And you put a barrier between you and God. So times you find that there's a barrier between you and God, you must ask yourself, am I harboring an attitude of unforgiveness towards my spouse? If I am harboring an attitude of unforgiveness towards my spouse, then there is now a barrier between me and God. Now that doesn't mean God has thrown you away, but just like as a man I know, there's times he says, don't come talk to me, son.

You're not treating her right. There are times when he says, son, daughter, look, you need to forgive. You want my forgiveness? You got to go forgive. This is passed on. You'll get forgiveness and then, oh, that's okay, I don't have to forgive anybody. If God forgives us, we have to pass that on to others. And where should it start? With your wife, with your husband. Where it starts? So our first reason to forgive is because it helps build this relationship or restore a relationship between us and God. I have a set of 30 books at home on counseling that I've used for years and years.

It was put together by dozens, because many of the books is more than one contributor. Dozens of professional counselors, psychologists, most of them have a doctorate in something or the other, that all approach counseling from a biblical viewpoint. They all approach counseling from a biblical viewpoint. And I found them very helpful over the years in being able to help others at times. But in one of the books, it talks about forgiveness, and it makes this point, the writer, when we refuse to forgive, we become judges of those who have hurt us and become spiritually blinded to the reality of our own imperfections before God.

The result is a growing coldness and loss of love. Healing does not occur in such a climate. I can't be healed from the hurt until I forgive. Now that goes against what we think is common sense. But if I forgive, the person gets away with it.

No, all sin has penalties. If I sit against my wife, my relationship with God hurts. If you sit against your husband, your relationship with God is damaged. Now, you have all these damaged relationships, but if I forgive, he gets away with it, and God forgives him. Yes, and you are healed. He doesn't get away with it. God may forgive him, but there's always a penalty. There's always a penalty. 80 percent of everybody who has a heart attack lost their temper, either a heart attack or a stroke, lost their temper within two hours before they had the heart attack or stroke.

The body can't take. The mind can't take what we do to it. There's a penalty. If you really understand the penalties, maybe we should be begging God, please don't let my husband or my wife maybe pay the penalty for what they've done. I forgive him, please forgive him. You find yourself actually asking God to forgive the person. And God says, ah, you're getting this. And then we're healed. We actually stop our own healing. You know, it's like having a great big wound and you put a patch on it if you're even alone for 24 hours a heal. But when it comes to emotional wounds, you know what we do? We keep ripping it open. Nope, nope. Until that person suffers, my wound is open.

Why aren't I healed? Because you keep ripping the wound open. That's why. The second need to forgive is emotional. And I'm going to read from the same book. It was written by Lewis McBurney, M.D. Emotionally, forgiveness allows us to invest energy in the relationship. Now think about that. You know, you ever have something between your husband and wife, and it's not like you are, you know, arguing about it, but you just, there's sort of this sort of silence. You're both sort of upset. You don't want to talk about it. And really, what you're doing is you're not forgiving each other. So there's this long silence. It's been half a day not talking to each other, which is gets pretty stupid when you think about it. It didn't take long to figure out that stupid, but we do it, right? And you're upset with each other. You're not investing any energy in the relationship, are you? You are investing a huge amount of energy in what? Boy, I feel bad. The more energy you feed into, boy, I feel bad, the more, the worse you'll feel. But just think about it. If I have a fire and I keep doing gasoline on the fire, what happens to the fire? So if I'm walking around feeling bad and I keep saying, I feel bad, I feel bad, it's this person's fault and that person's fault, and what are you going to do? You just don't gasoline on the fire. You're investing your energy in the fire. Where you walk in and say, hey, honey, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that. And the other person says, you know, I'm sorry, Joe, I've been thinking about it. Okay, well, it's okay. Suddenly, what the fire goes out? You just do water on the fire. Now you have energy to invest in the relationship. He says continuing, we cannot move towards intimacy without taking the risk to make the investment. It's always a risk. Sometimes we get so used to the pain, the pain is normal. We get so used to the anger. The anger is normal. We don't know anything else. The bitterness becomes normal. That's who we are. We're angry, bitter, hurt people so much that it's risky because I don't know how else to feel. If you take away my anger, who am I?

And so we'll hang on to it. We'll hang on to it. And you go to the person who say, honey, do you remember when you did such and such to me? I've been mad for three weeks. And you know what's horrible is when the other person looked at you and said, I did that? They don't even remember it, right? They have suffered not at all. Well, you've never been suffering just like me. I've suffered for three weeks. And the other person says, I'm sorry. I didn't know I did that. Boy, that was dumb. Now what do you do? Well, I've wasted three weeks of anger on you. You're going to pay? You've got to hurt too now, right? See what happens?

Well, I'm not going to invest anything into that forgiveness stuff because you've got to pay, because I've invested too much in my pain. I've hurt too much and you didn't have to hurt at all. You didn't have to hurt at all. An individual who does not take that risk becomes trapped. We won't take the risk to let go. We'll get trapped in self-centeredness, bitterness, loneliness, and despair. Our own need for love and intimacy demands choosing to forgive. Our own need, or to repeat that, for love and intimacy demands choosing to forgive. You cannot find intimacy in a marriage unless you've truly forgiven the other person and said, I love you in spite of the fact that you're not perfect.

There's no other way to make this work emotionally. It is critical that we understand, continuing here from Dr. McBurney, it is critical that we understand forgiveness is a choice, an act of will, not a feeling. If we just go by our feelings, we're going to end up being bitter, angry people all the time. As in love, we decide in forgiveness to act a specific way. We decide to relinquish hurt rather than reinforce it. I decide to give it up instead of thinking about it, which brings us to our third need to forgive, and that is we actually have a physical need to forgive. We make ourselves sick through a lack of forgiveness. We make ourselves sick because we're angry and upset with our mates.

We'll break down our own health. We'll break down our own mental capabilities. We will do as well at work because we become obsessed with the issues we have between each other. Here's what the problem with the physical need to forgive us. For forgiveness, memories are actually stored physically in your brain. They're stored in little molecules. I tried to figure this out. I can't figure out how it's done. I've read a couple books on it. It's beyond me. It actually stores. Your brain stores memory molecules.

You think, well, where is this? How does you have all this memory? It gets physically stored in protein molecules. You know how it's brought to your conscious mind? Through association. In the example, I used this a thousand times in counseling. You're driving in a car and you hear a song. And it's a song you haven't heard for 15 years. And all of a sudden, you get this big grin on your face and you start singing. You remember all the words. No, no, you remember all the words. You look at the person next to you and say, I remember the last time I heard this song. I was with so and so and so and so and so and so. Man, I haven't thought of those people over years. And we were driving. We were going to the movies and we were driving along. We were laughing and talking. And the other person, I was like, well, that was even before I married you. I know. It was man, it was a great night. We went out. We, you know, we went to the movie together. And it was just a fun time. See what happened. You heard music. So what did your brain do? It starts wrapped with all the memories. That's what found an associated memory. And it popped it out. That's how it works. Now, it's a whole lot more complex. But that's the best I can do. Okay.

But here's what we do know. The more we dwell on something, the more we associate memories, the more the brain designs itself, or the brain is always redesigning itself. It decides itself to find those memories.

So, if your husband says something mean to you, and so you think about it for two hours, your brain's storing it. So the next day, he gets up, and he's just sort of grumpy, and he doesn't say anything to you. He just sort of, you know, he's grumpy. He's not even awake. What does your brain do? Well, first thing, it finds the most recent memory, which was he yelled at you yesterday. So you feel exactly like you did when he yelled at you that day. You see what I mean? He hasn't yelled at you, but you feel exactly the same. And now, whenever he's grumpy, that emotion and these things all get associated. I love to sit down with couples and watch them talk in a counseling. Because after a while, if they really get into the issue, I have no idea what they're talking about. Because, well, that's that time, no, that's the way. Yeah, and then, but, and that's not, well, wait, wait. When did this happen? Oh, let's see, that had been 2006.

And their mind, they're acting as if it happened two days ago. And I'm thinking that couldn't happen to you a couple days ago. So I don't, I have to stop and ask, when did that happen? Because they're floating through associated memories and just popping out in their brains, and I can't sort it through, because I wouldn't want all these issues. And I have to stop and say, explain that one to me. I'm amazed how many times when I'll ask, when did that happen? I find that it was 10 years before.

But it just popped up in the middle of another discussion. Why?

That's the way the brain works. Associated memory, which allows us, I mean, it makes us brilliant. It makes us do all kinds of things. It also messes us up emotionally, because we just pop associated memories out of our mind. So someone, you know, it's like, I remember a man, who for some reason, he said he distrusted any man who did a comb-over. So every time he saw a man with a comb-over, he had these feelings that there's something wrong with that man. He's dishonest. Well, you don't even know the guy, but he has a comb-over. Now, you go back far enough, you'll find somewhere in his life, some comb-over incident, okay? And I don't know what the comb-over incident is, but it's what his brain associates, and it doesn't make sense anymore. How do the wives do that all the time? You ever be in the midst of, you know, not getting along and sort of bickering at each other? I've done this one. I'm looking at Kim and saying, by the way, exactly what are we bickering over?

We don't know! Well, it's about this. No, it really was about this. No, it really was about that. And after a while, we're looking at each other and saying, how did this even get started? Associated memories, just popping up all over the place. But it doesn't make sense. It's the way the brain works. It's one of the things that makes us brilliant, but it's one of the things that really hurts us. So you have to understand there is an actual physical need. What that means is you and I have to make a choice. We choose not to obsess on how much the other person has hurt us. That's it. You choose not to obsess on that. You say, well, they'll get away with it. No, they won't. That's not the point, is it? And what if they do? Are you willing to spend the rest of your life controlled by your own negative emotions? Because you're programming your brain to feel that way?

There are people on medications, not because they were born with a chemical imbalance. Some people are, but because they created the chemical imbalance themselves.

Think about that. That's how powerful we are. We can actually program our brains that we're mentally ill. We can do that. How much do we want to invest our time and energy in the dwelling on, he doesn't squeeze the toothpaste in the right place.

She doesn't vacuum three times a day. My mother vacuumed three times a day.

Well, then you vacuumed some, okay? Or do what my wife does. She despised two tubes of toothpaste, and I can squeeze mine however I want. And she's happy in my bed.

You see, it's not worth it. It's not worth what we do to the relationship.

Here's four things you can do. I'm going to wrap up with four things you can do. Simple things. This week, this week, to have a better marriage. I say they're simple. They're simple to say. They're very hard to do. First thing is pray. Make a commitment to pray every day that God will show you how to be a better husband or a better wife. Oh, good. I'm going to pray that God will make her a better wife. I didn't say that. Go ask God to make you a better husband.

If we become better leaders, we'll help our wives become better wives. And if you're a better wife, you will help your husband become a better husband. Because you're a helper. That's what you were designed to be. So help us. Help him.

Pray that God will help you be a better husband. Pray that God will help you be a better wife. And pray that God will soften your heart towards your mate and soften your mate's heart towards you. Give us a softer heart. Pray for it. Give us a softer heart.

The second thing is in Romans 1419.

Another passage that almost never is applied to marriage, and yet applies very much to marriage.

Romans 1419 says, Therefore, let us pursue, chase, run after, let us pursue the things which make for peace, and the things by which one may edify another. To edify someone...edify is literally...I mean, it's a fascinating word in Greek. It literally means to build or the act of building a building. It comes from two words. To build a home. Build home are the two words. To edify something is to build it up. To construct it. Do what constructs your marriage in a positive way.

It's not easy when the other person is acting terrible. And sometimes it's not possible. But you should try to dedicate your day. As much as you can, find ways every day to build up the relationship, not tear it down. To edify it. Because your marriage is the house that you're building. We build our marriages.

As husband and wife, we construct those marriages.

Build it up. If you put more energy building up than tearing it down, if nothing else happens, you will be happier. The marriage may not get better, but you'll be a happier person. You'll be a more stable person. Because you're putting your effort... If you put all your effort into tearing down, you're going to make yourself sick. We can't put that much energy into all the hurt. It literally can kill us.

So put our energy into edifying, to building up. That means we have to make a decision, once again, in what we say and how we say it, and how we treat the person. That we're going to treat them to build them up. When they don't deserve it. That's not the issue. The issue is that's what I'm supposed to do, is build up the other person. Ephesians 4, 29.

Ephesians 4, 29. Ephesians 4, 29. These are all basic marriage concepts. But they have to do with emotions. None of this is easy. And nobody does this perfectly. It has to be a mindset to be dedicated. Verse 29 of Ephesians 4. Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth. But what is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the ears. And I always say, well, yeah. When I get to the end of the sermon, I'm just going to say positive things. Remember work, I'm just going to, you know, I'm not going to be gossip. But when you're home with your husband or wife, is it all you do is put her down? Is that your leadership style? Constantly correcting her? Constantly saying bad things about her? Maybe saying, well, you're stupid. Things like that? Well, what's this saying? Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth. But what is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the ears. All I can tell you, gentlemen, as I've gone to my wife many times, because I know God's not listening to my prayers, because I have not edified her. I have torn her down. And I know that it's painful. And I know that it's painful. And I know that it's painful. And I know that it's painful. And I know that it's painful. And I know that it's painful. And I know that it's painful. And you know what? It doesn't matter if I was right. It doesn't matter if my point was right, if I handled it wrong. It doesn't matter. There's no use in going and saying, I was right. No? You go and say, you know, I didn't handle that right. What I did was wrong. Because I did not hold you up. I tore you down.

And we have to be willing to do that. Because that's what leaders are supposed to do.

And maybe God should have made them first.

Nah. Let me tell you something. Being a woman is just as hard as being a man.

I don't know. Sometimes I look at anything, but no, it's harder to be a woman. So we have to understand this.

Don't let this stuff come out of our mouths. And when it does, we stop and say, no, that was not edifying. That did not build her up. Same way, ladies. Women can tear a man down to nothing. And I've seen women do it publicly. Not even... Just tear a man down to nothing. And I've seen women do it publicly. And I've seen women do it publicly. And I've seen women do it publicly. Not even... Just tear a man down to nothing by criticizing him publicly. Third point is Ephesians 4 here, verse 30.

Every time you feel anger or bitterness or malice towards your mate, say, no. I will not feel that way. And your brain's gonna say, through associated memory, but he did this, or but she did this. And you have to say, no!

I'm not saying that what he did was right. What I'm saying is, I will not feel this way. Now you have to fight the emotion. But see, you don't change emotions by saying, oh, I'm just not gonna feel it. You change emotions by changing the way you think. That means we have to think about God. We have to think about other things. Sometimes, you know what you do? Think about why you married her in the first place. Think about all the good things she did or he did today. Then you start thinking about, oh, you know, I was running late for work and she did take the garbage out, which I usually do. Or, you know what? Yesterday, when he came home from work, he came in and gave me a big hug and said, you know, I just love to come home to you because I just, work tears me up. Or he knew that, you know, you were working that day and you had a hard day at work and you came home and he made supper for you. And you didn't have to, you know, worry about that.

Or she said, don't worry, honey, I'm going to take care of things today. Here's a beer. Watch the football game.

Actually, my wife's done that. It's nice. Man. Well, okay. I really want to make you happy, honey. And then I find out it's the Green Bay Packers, which is her favorite team, you know. And it's like, oh, wait a minute here.

And then the last point, Ephesians 4.32. Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving one another, even as God and Christ forgave you. You see, you and I can't do this without forgiveness. Simple kindness. You know, the one person in the world that we are the most unkind to many times is who? Our spouses. You know, guys, you walk up to the door of the... You're walking into the convenience store, right? And some man's walking along, you don't even know, and you open the door. And you open the door and it slams on your wife as she walks in behind you.

We will be absolutely rude to each other in ways that we would never treat anybody else. How much does verse 30 to apply to marriage? Be kind, tender-hearted, forgiving. And why even as God and Christ forgave you? Even as God forgives us, we are to forgive each other. So, we could say there is a little bit of a marriage recipe. We've covered two ingredients. The thing is, there are many ingredients that makes a good marriage. But these are two of the underlying emotional issues. Understanding and forgiveness. Being willing to stand under the person and understand. Really, I know how you feel. I could have empathy towards you, even if I disagree with you. I feel bad because you feel bad. I get it. I mean, I love you as important, but I understand maybe more important.

When the other person says, you actually get it, you know what I'm feeling, you say yes. Because that is at the core of love.

And then being able to forgive. Marriage is a wonderful gift from God. We live in a world that is designed to destroy marriage. And he told Adam and Eve that when he kicked him out of the Garden of Eden. Boy, you've now messed everything up. And even your relationships aren't going to work. But you and I have been given God's Spirit to learn how to make this work. And there's going to be tough times. I don't care how good your marriage is. There are tough times. That's part of the process. As we grow, we learn to love. And remember in all things. In all things in your marriage, look at your wife and say, that is a daughter of God.

How does God feel about daughters? And remember when you look at him, that is the Son of God. How does God feel about sons?

And that helps us understand that we are all part of the family of God. And marriage is one of the ways in which he teaches us what relationships are supposed to be like in his family forever.