Relationships: Seek First to Understand

[Rick Shabi] Greetings to the brethren. I didn’t greet everyone that is listening on the web. I want to greet you as well, and any visitors we have here this morning. Good to have you with us.

You know, there are times in our lives where we hear something, experience something, read something that changes the way we think and changes the way we are, literally, for the rest of our lives. Every one of us in this room has at least one of those things in common. Somewhere in our lives we read the Bible, and we saw things in it that we didn’t understand before, and it absolutely grounded us – that this is the truth and that God was opening our eyes to see something we hadn’t seen before. And it literally changed our entire outlook on life – literally changed everything about us – the way we think. You’ve heard me mention several times about the Greek word pisteuo, that is translated believe in the New Testament. We have all experienced pisteuo in our lives when it came to the time of the Bible. Because what we read, what we knew and what we believed changed everything about us and led us to the point where we where we are today – baptized, or considering baptism, or here, gathered before God on His Sabbath day – a day that most of the world does not consider to be God’s Sabbath day, or even important to God what day we keep holy. But there are other times in our lives too that change us.

For me, as I look back I realize there are things that I’ve read or experiences that have changed the way I think and my outlook on things forever. One of them – and I don’t remember if I was late in high school or when I was in college – but my dad gave me a book to read. I think he probably saw something in me that needed this book. But it was a book you’ve probably all heard of – at least the older generation has. It was Dale Carnegie’s How to Win Friends and Influence People. I didn’t really want to read it, but I thought, “Well I will read it, because he said it was….” And I would have to say the things that were written in that book opened my eyes and changed the way I dealt with people from that time forward. I saw them in a new light and realized some of the things I did in high school and college, and certainly in my career, because it helped me see how to deal with people in a way that I don’t think I ever would have learned if  I hadn’t read that book, and if something hadn’t clicked in my mind to help me understand that.

Later in life, Debbie and I were married and after we were married for several years…I think one of the standard jokes is, “You really can’t understand women,” right? There are sitcoms done off that and like any other marriages, we had our tiffs here and there. I remember Debbie saying, “You just don’t get it. You just don’t get it,” and whatever. I was reading a book. I picked up a book one day in a bookstore, and it was a companion book by Gary Smalley. I hadn’t read anything by Gary Smalley before and there was a book for women to help them understand their husbands and a book for husbands to help them understand their wives, and how to get over this “You just don’t get it, you just don’t get it” and this constant, you know, that we just don’t see eye to eye. The book If Only He Knew is the one I read. And there are things he wrote in there, and when you take the principles and the examples that he showed of people he had counseled and gone in their lives…bells went off in my mind, and I thought, “That is exactly what I am doing. I didn’t think I was doing that, but that’s exactly what I’m doing and I’m having the same result that some of these other people have. And it made me stop and think and change the way I would relate and that I would do some of the things differently than I did before. I still have to be reminded of them, sometimes, when “I’m not getting it,” and I can tell there’s tension. I have to stop and think, “Oh that’s right. I’ve got to apply the principles that I read in that book because it’s me who’s doing something different.”

I was baptized when I was not young. I was and adult at that time and married by the time I was baptized. I believed everything in the Bible, and I believed, and knew that I was ready to be baptized. I remember Mr. Armstrong talking about a book. The name of the book was The Man Nobody Knows. And I thought, “I need to read that book,” because he said, “It will help you see Jesus Christ in a different light” – not in the way that the world sees Jesus Christ – with the long hair and just this gentle weak person, if you will. He was certainly gentle, and He was certainly meek and everything, but I thought, “I need to read that book,” because even though I was pretty much raised in the church, you still have these things that society casts on you about what Jesus Christ was like. And when I read that book, I saw Him in a different light. I saw Him as a man that I would want to be like – that had the characteristics, and how He dealt with the world around Him. He was so loyal to God. He was willing to give His life. But He had a way with people, and a way and a method of going about His life. And the way He was, and the way He did, that showed in that book, from examples in the Bible, and things in the Bible, made me think of Him differently. I went back into the Bible, and when I think of Jesus Christ now, I don’t think of Jesus Christ as the way that the world often thinks of Him. And there’s another book, too, that I’ll talk about here in a few minutes.

There was a time in my career when I worked in hospitals and hospital administration, corporately and individually. The last hospital I worked at, before I spun off and did my own company, was a turnaround situation that we were in. The hospital was losing money. It was a downtown hospital in Indianapolis. And I was brought in to see if we could breathe new life into it, since I had done that in a few things before, and had some experience with that. So, I spent a lot of time talking to doctors, asking them, “What can we do differently in this hospital? We have this huge hospital down the street, and another one up north that is absolutely state of the art in every way and form. We’re this smaller hospital that’s down town. What can we do?” And we came up with some specialty programs that we put in there, and they had a tremendous amount of success. They tapped into some of the community needs that the bigger guys weren’t doing. One of the programs, in particular, that I didn’t really want to do, but we ended up doing it, and it turned out to be a tremendous success – and now almost every hospital in the country, I think, has a program like it. But at that time, it was the only one in Indiana. But what I learned most about the program was, I had a bias. I’m not going to tell you what program was that we put in, but when I began to work with people, I thought, “You know what? That is an elective surgery. All they have to do is develop some character. They can kind of take care of that on their own, if they would just buck it up and do the things, whatever.” But I read the studies and I talked to some people in other states and other doctors, and I thought, “Okay, we’ll do it. We’ll do it and see what the demand is.” The demand was overwhelming. I stayed involved with that program the whole time, because I was very concerned that we could do something with that could ruin the rest of the hospital. What I learned about the people in that, absolutely changed the way I thought about people, because I realized I had this predisposed notion about what these people were like and what their problems were. It would take, in my mind at that time, just a little bit of character – just a little bit of willpower – and they could solve their problems. But in talking to them, I realized a lot of them had a lot of issues in their life that led to the situation they were in and the condition they were in. There was a lot of abuse in their backgrounds. Later studies came out and said 80% of the people suffered some kind of abuse that led to this morbid – co-morbid – condition, if you will. So, I learned you can’t judge a book by its cover. You’ve got to dig underneath a little bit and find out what it is. And that made me realize I can’t really look at people anymore and just make a pronouncement on them. You have to kind of understand where they are coming from and delve into that.

So today I want to talk about some of the things in the Bible. Because, you know, I realized the things that I learned – and I still have much to learn…. I am not, by any means, saying that I’m perfect in any of it. I have to remind myself of things. And I fall back into old habits and thought processes, just like all of us do. But I have to remind myself, all those things are about relationships. All those things were about relationships. You know, God and the Bible are a lot about relationships, aren’t they? When you read through the Bible, it has so much to do with how people get along with one another, how people react and respond and relate to God – the good things that people will do to bond together, and the other things that people will do that just kind of tear people apart.

When we look at the world around us, the world is full of relationship problems. We have nation against nation, kingdom against kingdom, husband against wife, children against parents, friends who no longer are our friends, business associates who break up, employer employee problems. The whole world revolves around relationships. And the Bible, and what God is very interested in is, how do we handle our relationships? What do we do with those relationships? Because I think – I believe – in looking at the Bible, He’s looking very closely to see, how do we handle those things? Are we growing and are we developing what He has offered to us. There’s plenty of information in the Bible about husband and wife relationships and how we can heal those. There’s plenty in the Bible about parent and child relationships and how we go about those. There’s plenty of information in the Bible about friend to friend relationships and how brother relates to brother. In fact, when Jesus Christ said, “You will know My church – the ones whom I have called out, the ones that should be bonding together – the way you will know them is by the way they are one. If they have…the love you see in them, that will tell you that they’re the church – not just the fact they are meeting on the Sabbath, not just the fact that they preach from the Bible, but the way they love one another. By this all men will know that you are My disciples, if you have love one for another.” So the relationships in our lives are extremely important – not just something we can just sweep under the carpet, and say, “Hey, as long as I read the Bible every day, I’m okay. Hey, as long as I come to church every Sabbath, I’m okay. Hey, as long as I pay my tithes, I’m okay.” It is what we do. It is what we do in our lives that make a difference.

So today I want to talk…. I think this morning, I pretty much decided that it’s going to be a two-part series on this, because I got some information. But I want to talk about some of the things that we need to do to develop our relationships – that we all need to work on – myself included.

 Let’s go back to Matthew 7. In the sermon on the mount, of course, we know the Ten Commandments – the great commandment is to love the Lord your God will all your mind, and all your heart, and all your soul. And the second is like it – love your neighbor as yourself. They’re given so that we can relate to one another and we can have our lives and become one that God wants us to. But here in Matthew 7, and verse 1, He tells us something that I’ve touched on – something that I know that I was guilty of back then – and I am still guilty of it today. I can do this, and have to catch myself, and realize, I don’t know the whole story. Matthew 7, and verse 1:

Matthew 7:1-4 – Judge not that you be not judged. Don’t we all make some judgements in our lives right away? We might see someone on the side of the road – a homeless person – and we make a judgement of what they are like or how they got into that situation. We see something on TV, we make a judgement. We look at someone, we make a judgement. God says: Judge not that you be not judged. For with what judgement you judge, you will be judged, and with what measure you use, it will be measured back to you. So, when we find ourselves with a bias. When we find ourselves with, “Okay, this is what I’ve determined. This is how I think you are….” and we let it color our minds, color how we look at someone or a situation, God says someone might do that to you. Someone might do that to you. If you just judge a cover, and not read the story behind it, or understand, or get to know the cover underneath it, then you could be guilty. You can be guilty of something God says not to do. He gives us a warning or admonition, if you will. Why do you look at the speck in your brother’s eye…. Oh, we can pick out the faults in someone else pretty quickly, can’t we? We can look at those things and say, “This isn’t the way. This is the way it should be, or whatever.” Or, “You shouldn’t be doing that.” Or, “You must have don’t that.” Or, “This is the reason that you’re in this situation.” Why do you look at the speck in your brother’s eye, but don’t consider the plank in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, “Let me remove the speck from your eye and look, a plank is in your own eye? Sometimes in relationships, when things aren’t going well, when we have tension between husband-wife, parent-child, church member to church member, friend to friend, employer-employee, neighbors. Maybe we don’t need to look at the other person and point the finger at them. Maybe we need to look at what we’re doing. How do we…what are we doing? What have we done to maybe create this gulf or this problem that seems to be developing.

We are very good about judging others. I remember a sermon. It was years and years and years ago – probably decades and decades ago. I remember a minister talking, and he was talking on this verse, and he was talking on how someone had come to him and reported that they saw a church member down in an area of town  that was not of good repute. So, their determination was, this person is an adulterer. He was this, that or whatever. So, he went and talked to him to go find out what it was. And it turns out there was a very valid reason – I don’t remember what the reason was – but there was a very valid reason he was down in that area. His point was, you can’t just look at something and make this judgement on people. You’ve got to understand. If you’ve got a concern, ask the question. Find out what is going on with them. It was a thing that stuck in my mind that, yes, things can look one way, but when we find out. and we understand, or we take the time to ask the question or whatever, things may appear a little bot differently than they do.

Back in Proverbs 18 – Proverbs 18, and verse 3 – kind of a companion verse, I think, to this “judge not that you be not judged.”  Proverbs 18, verse 3 says – oh, it verse 13:

Proverbs 18:13 – He who answers a matter before he hears it, it is folly and shame to him. What he is telling us is, there are two sides to every story. When we hear someone say something to us, we can make a judgement right away. That person is wrong. That shouldn’t have happened that way. But then, when we go and talk about it, and we hear that side of the story, and think, “Oh, I see how that occurred. I see how that transpired.” So, it is not as crystal clear anymore. You’ve got to put the two together, and somewhere in the middle the truth is. But the person that says something first has the advantage. Relationships can fall apart, if we believe just that one part. If we don’t go and find out the other part and get the whole truth – and get perceptions out of the way, and get down to reality, and get down to truth. A whole lot of things that happen, a whole lot of relationships that will fall apart, if we just judge a book by its cover – if we just see someone doing something that we don’t agree with, but we don’t know why they are there. We don’t understand, or we don’t take the time to do that, but we just jump to a judgement – just determine that that’s wrong. That shouldn’t have happened. I did it. I still do it. I try to catch myself when I do. I’m reminded when I do, in talking to people and hearing both sides of the story, you got to hear both. You have to hear both to get the reality of it.

Back in John 9, Jesus Christ saw this tendency even among the disciples who were walking with Him. John 9, and verse 1, says:

John 9:1 – As Jesus passed by, He saw a man who was blind from birth, and His disciples asked Him saying, “Rabbi, who sinned – this man or his parents – that he was born blind?” See what they did? They jumped to a conclusion. He’s blind. Either he sinned, or his parents sinned, but sin is involved somewhere, because he’s blind. We can apply that to the judgments that we make – right? – maybe not to blindness or with something else. It could be illness. It could be financial problems. It could be anything. Someone sinned because this man was born blind. And Jesus corrected them. He said, “Neither he nor his parents sinned. That isn’t the reason he is blind. You jumped to a conclusion. You judged where you shouldn’t have judged. Neither this man or his parents sinned, but that the works of God should be revealed in him.” I think the disciples learned quite a lesson that day. I think they learned quite a lesson that day – that you can’t just take a situation, and look at it, and make a determination, and make a judgement call on it.

Just think about Christ’s life and some of the people He encountered. Mary Magdalene is one. What if He had just looked at Mary Magdalene, and said, “You know what? You are an evil woman. You are a woman that, really, society is shunning you. I don’t want anything to do with you either.” What if He had done that to Mary Magdalene? Yet, He engaged her. He listened to her. He understood her. He came to know her, and it changed her around, so that she was one of the few people who were there standing by when He was being crucified. She was very loyal to Him. She was the one who was running that morning to see if He had been resurrected or to work with Him as He lay in the grave. What if He had just pre-judged her? We could pre-judge people, couldn’t we? Someone could come into our midst, and we can just look at them and say, “Eh, I don’t need to get to know them. They’ve got a problem.” No, can’t do that. That is what the disciples wanted to do. Jesus Christ didn’t do that. He was willing to sit down with tax collectors. Other people would look at a tax collector and say, “Not going to waste my time on them.” One of the disciples was a tax collector. Christ could have made a judgement call and said, “No I don’t want to deal with him.” As you read through the gospels, and think about the people He encountered, think about how He dealt with those relationships. He practiced what He preached – judge not that you be not judged.

You know one of the biggest problems in relationships, in marriages and families, business relationships is, we just don’t take the time to get to understand each other. You know, it’s great. We should be at Sabbath services every single week – every single week. There are very few excuses that we wouldn’t come before God – if we really follow Him – that we wouldn’t where He wants us to be. And it’s great to fellowship, because it encourages us, inspires us, and we have the time to at least greet each other, but you can’t really get to know someone just in an hour before or an hour after Sabbath services. If John 13:35 is going to be true – by this all men shall know that you are my disciples, that you have love for one another – it’s more than the fact that we shake each other’s hands, and give each other a hug, ask how the week went, and maybe discuss something in the Bible. We have to know each other. We have to know each other. And with coming along with really knowing each other comes the opportunity to really practice what Jesus Christ put us in His body for. The reason that there’s a marriage relationship that’s closer than any relationship on earth: it’s time for us to practice – an opportunity for us to practice what He has given to us, and what He does for us all the time. If we neglect those opportunities, then we are neglecting His call. We are neglecting His purpose for us. We are not getting ready the way that God wants us to be ready for His Kingdom. Because in the millennium, when we are working with other people who have gone through a traumatic experience and are learning God’s way of life, it is not going to just be a tap on the shoulder and “Hey, did you have a nice week?” and things like that. In order to reach those people, in order for them to feel committed, there’s got to be more than just surface. There has to be a real relationship, just like there has to be a real relationship between us and God. Because, if it is just a surface relationship, if we just say, “I believe” – the way the world believes – it’s going to be a very surface thing – “We believe.”  And we pat ourselves on the back and say we do, but it has to be much deeper than that.

Steven Covey. Most of you have probably heard of Steven Covey. He wrote a book – oh, back 20 years ago – called The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. Remember that book? That was another book that I read. In it, he’s got seven good habits, but there’s only one that stuck in my mind – that I think of a lot, actually – that I think of a lot in a lot of different things. That was his fifth point, and he said, “Seek first to understand.” “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.” See first to understand – kind of one of the basic building blocks of relationships. Seek first to understand.

You know, we are all unique. We are all unique. Of the sixty or seventy billion – or whatever scientists are saying how many people live on earth today – there is no human being like you or me. None. They may look similar and had a similar name. They may have grown up in a similar situation, but no one – no one who has ever lived – is exactly like you or me. We all have different relationships. We’ve all lived in different places. We’ve all encountered different people along the way. We’ve had different jobs. We’ve had different trials in our life. We’ve had different things. No one – no one – is like you and no one is like me. All those things that have happened in our lives, they paint a picture. It’s our autobiography, if you will. People write their autobiographies. And I remember back in school, we would read autobiographies of great people. We read about Abraham Lincoln. And in school, back in those days, they would talk about the character traits that Abraham Lincoln had. There were other people, that you looked at their character traits, because if they were considered great people, hopefully then children would learn to emulate them. I don’t even know if they do that in school anymore – if you study the traits. But we are disciples of Jesus Christ. We should be studying Him. We should see how He was. So, when we have a book like The Man Nobody Knows, it helps us look into the Bible and paints a picture for us that’s different than the world paints and different than any movie paints. It is not bad for us to see that, and to see how he was, and that he was a man among the people at that time, and not someone who was just totally different from every other person that lived at that time. He was unique. We are unique.

But we tend to, as people, to use our autobiography to make judgements on what you do, what you are thinking, what you are saying, or what your ulterior purpose is. Did you ever notice that? One of the things I have learned over the years is, if someone says this and that, and they’re overly concerned about this, or overly concerned about that, or they think this person is lying, or this person is that, sometimes that is in their record. Sometimes that’s in their autobiography. And they are so concerned about that because they had that in their background. And so they automatically think that you have that problem, I have that problem. Or, if they see something, they ascribe that issue to them. It is just one of the facts of life. It happens with everyone. It happens with God’s people as well.

We have to seek first to understand each other. Because the way we do things, the way we motivate others…. What motivates us? What inspires us? What causes things to happen in our lives and decisions we make? Even if they’re wrong, we need to go back and we need to kind of see what they are. I know in counseling or whatever, trying to understand both parties is a big part of it. Because you can hear – just like we read in Proverbs 18:13 – you can hear one story and it sounds really, really good, but then when you go and hear the other person talk, you think, “No, it’s not that way.” It was colored in a totally different way. There is a problem here in bringing the two together.

Covey said this: “The more deeply you understand people, the more you will appreciate them – the more reverent you will feel about them. To touch the soul of another human being is to walk on holy ground.” Isn’t that an interesting observation he made? To understand other people. To understand what makes them tick. When we understand them, it engenders those feeling in us, doesn’t it? It makes us want to help. It makes us feel closer to that person. There’s a love and concern that’s beginning. And where there’s hurt, we find that when we understand it, we want to help. We want to ease that hurt. We want to minimize that pain. We may never get below the surface, if we don’t try to understand – if we don’t seek first to understand – and just make a judgement and don’t try to dig below the surface.

Jesus Christ, as in all things, is an example for us. It says in the Bible that we love Him because He first loved us – love being the Greek word agape. He loved us. He took the first step. In Hebrews 4, we see that He did the first thing, so that He can say He understands us. Hebrew 4, and verse 14:

Hebrews 4:14 – Seeing then that we have a great High Priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession. For we do not have a High Priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but was in all points tempted as we are, yet without sin. He understands. He understands what we are going through. He understands what it’s like to live in a world that is apart from God and is going to try to lead you away from God. He understands what it’s like to be tempted. He understands what it’s like to have people who don’t understand, or who aren’t interested in having a relationship with you, or who don’t know the rules of relationships. He knows all those things because He lived it. He lived it. He came to earth. Part of the plan was that He would come and be born as human being – that He could live the day to day life that we live. It says He is our Intercessor. He’s our Mediator. He gets what we go through. He knows how difficult life is. He knows where our weaknesses are. He knows where our strengths are, because He’s lived it. He understands it.

If we look at the words that are translated there in verse 15, we do not have a High Priest who cannot sympathize…, sympathy is a good word. Jesus Christ does sympathize with us. But you know, sympathy is a word that we can give to someone without doing anything. Right? We can be sympathetic to someone who has an illness. We express our sympathy when a loved one dies. We have sympathy when someone has a problem in their life. Jesus Christ has sympathy with us as well. But the Greek word that is translated sympathy there is really a little more deep than that. It says that it what it really means is, “He commiserates with us, or that He is touched with a feeling for us.” He’s touched with a feeling for us. He can sympathize because He has lived our lives. He is touched with a feeling for us. What He’s done, and what He sees, and how He understands us touches Him. He gets it. He wants to help. He wants to love. You can feel the feeling in it. It may be sympathy, or maybe another word – a better word – is empathy. We’ll get to empathy in a little bit, and what the difference is, but Jesus Christ is touched with a feeling for us. When we understand each other, or we seek to understand each other, as husband and wife, as parent to child, as friend to friend, as employer to employee as church member to church member, or brother to brother, sister to sister…as we do those things – as we understand each other – we are touched. We are touched. If God’s Holy Spirit is in us, it wants to help. It wants to ease the pain. It wants to do whatever it can to help that person.

Let’s go back to Psalms – Psalm 18. Psalms 18:2 also a notable verse. (It is a notable verse, but not the verse I’m looking for. So give me just a second here.) I’m sorry. It’s Proverbs – Proverbs 18:2 – that’s the problem.

Proverbs 18:2 – A fool – we should take note when the Bible says something is foolish – a fool has no delight in understanding. He doesn’t want to find out. He is just happy with whatever conclusion he comes up on his own. A fool has no delight in understanding, but at expressing his own heart. “I’m just going to tell you what I feel. I don’t really care what you feel. I don’t really care what your background is. I don’t really care what led you to this, or how this happened, or anything. I just want to express what I feel.” Pretty selfish attitude isn’t it? Pretty selfish attitude.

Back in 1Peter…. Another notable place, that the word understanding appears, is in 1 Peter 3. This speaks specifically to the marriage relationship, but really, what works in the marriage relationship, and the principles there, really apply to all relationships. It’s a matter of how we relate to one another and how we come to become one, as God and Jesus Christ are one.

1 Peter 3:7 – Husbands, likewise dwell with them – speaking of the wives…. Husbands, likewise dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered. Don’t you find that though? If there is trouble in the marriage, you don’t pray as you should. If you have a problem with someone else in your life, probably your prayers are hindered a little bit. Probably your prayers are hindered a little bit. It behooves us to get those relationships…and look into ourselves, and see what we can do to make things different.

I mentioned Gary Smalley and his book. I think I’ve probably mentioned this before, but it has been a few years. There was a part, when I was reading this book…and the examples that he gave, I could relate to. I think every husband – and the wives who would read the companion book – every husband could understand what he was saying, and every wife – on that side of the book – would understand as well. He came to this conclusion – and this one just kind of floored me. But I’ve spent now some 20 years, at least, thinking about it – not 30. He came to this conclusion, he said. It’s based on years of counseling with people  and seeing what goes on with people. He says, “If a couple has been married for more than five years, any persistent disharmony in their relationship, is usually attributable to the husband’s lack of genuine love.” Now when I read that it floored me, and my initial reaction was, not so. I can point out all of her issues. (Laughter) But I realized – after I contemplated it – “You know what? As I went through the examples of it, and I looked at 1 Peter 3, verse 7, you’ve got to take the time to understand.” You’ve got to the time to understand where someone is coming from. And as husbands, we are not the relationship type people that our wives are. We are very black and white. We can just make a pronouncement. We can just go on with life, because we are very action oriented. Where the wives often – the women – have more of a relationship building intuition about them. They’re very concerned about those things. And that is why it is very good for a husband and wife to be together and to learn from each other, because both husband and wife learn from each other over the course of their lives.

Bu I realized, as I thought about it, and prayed about it, and looked into the Bible, I had to take some time to understand where some of these issues were coming from. It wasn’t that we were like we were having disharmony to the point that we were looking at anything permanent – just little things along the way. And as I looked at it, and as we talked, I began to see her point of view. And it was kind of eye opening to me. And I thought, “You know what? I’ve got to take the time to understand. When we come up with these differences of opinions, I’ve got to delve into it. I’ve got to listen a little more. I’ve to to understand and not just say, “No, not important,  not doing it that way, and whatever.” Sometimes there is a time for that, but other times you have to take the time to do that. Gary Smalley – leading up to that comment there and after - he gives five ways to build a lasting and loving relationship with your wife. I’m not going to read all five, I do want to read number one to you, though, and I want to read the example he gave as well. Because I think the example, while it certainly isn’t an example that everyone has in marriage, you can identify with it, because there’s something in marriage that, probably, husbands and wives, somewhere along the line, you’ve had an issue that wasn’t resolved. Number one point, he says, “Endeavor to understand the ways you have hurt or offended your wife.” Sounds like Stephen Covey, doesn’t it? “Seek first to understand.” If there’s a problem there, sit down and talk about it. Figure out what’s going on. And then he gives…in the book he gives a whole list of things that could be a problem. Let me just read through this one, so you get a flavor of it – this example of the many counselings he did.

“Ken and Sharon’s story is a good example of how a man’s insensitivity damaged a marriage. After eight years of marriage and three children, Sharon’s once petite figure was a little on the chubby side. Since Ken could not understand why she had not regained her slender figure after the birth of their third child, he found many creative ways to express the extra poundage to Sharon. He tried to make her loose weight by lecturing, demanding and bribing. He even threatened to cancel their vacation unless she lost weight. But nothing worked. She seemed powerless to comply. Ken’s continually critical and harsh attitude wounded Sharon. As a result, she slowly began to close him out of her life. She shut him out emotionally and resisted when he demanded sex, excusing herself because of headaches or fatigue. His occasional jabs – “Do you realize you had two desserts for dinner tonight? – and his over bearing personality continually pressured her, making her more nervous and increasing her desire to eat. Ken was totally unaware of what he was doing to her. There was no way he could really understand her. “If you  want to lose weight,” he said, “just do it.” Since Sharon had little or no interest in pleasing Ken any longer, she might have been subconsciously punishing him by staying over weight. Quite by accident, Ken did one thing that finally motivated Sharon to lose weight. He called her long distance, while on a business trip, and said, “I have been a lousy husband to treat you the way I have. From now on, I’m going to love you and you alone, no matter what. I’ve been the one out of control.” The marriage turned around at that point. He got it. He realized the hammering, the accusations, the criticism wasn’t going to be the way to make her change. And then she wanted to do that. When he understood, when he touched her, by saying, “I get it,” things changed, but not until then.

Same way Jesus Christ works with us. Same way that husband and wife need to understand each other. I’m giving a husband example, but there are also wife examples, too – of understanding your husband and his needs, so that a constant friction doesn’t occur in marriage. Same thing that we need to do with each other and understand each other. So, if someone is a little different, or we think, “Uh, they are not getting it,” we don’t try to cram it down their throats, or criticize, or try to minimize, but we are patient – just like we want Jesus Christ to be patient with us. When we understand we can help. When we understand, people can be touched. We can be touched. And the Holy Spirit comes into play at that time, too, leading us, and directing us, and that agape love – the first fruit of the Holy Spirit – helps us along the way.

So his first point was the same thing as Gary Smalley in a marriage relationship. Stephen Covey says it for business relationships and other relationships. Seek first to understand.

Number 2 on Gary Smalley’s list: Admit your major part in weakening the marriage. That is just like repentance, isn’t it? We can’t come to God until we admit that we’re wrong and then we change our ways. Until those two things happen, relationships aren’t healed. Wounds aren’t bound up. Things do not progress.

So there are things that we need to do. One of them is, judge not that you be not judged and to understand. Seek first to understand. Seek first to understand, because until we understand, there isn’t a whole lot that is going to occur.

I mentioned in Hebrews 14 – or Hebrews 4, and verse 14 and 15 there - that Jesus Christ…that word sympathized…really He was touched with a feeling. He was empathetic. He had empathy. And empathy is different than sympathy, as I pointed out. Let me read the definition of empathy. “When you have empathy, it means you can understand” – we just talked about – “when you have empathy, it means you can understand what a person is feeling in a given moment, and understand why other people’s actions made sense to them. Empathy helps us to communicate our ideas in a way that makes sense to others, and it helps us understand others when they communicate with us.” Without empathy, relationships don’t grow. Without empathy, relationships don’t grow. They stop. They’re halted. They break apart. Bitterness can result and in marriages that can lead to divorce. Resentment can develop. Anytime we are ready to break off a relationship, we may want to look at ourselves, and say, “Am I empathizing? Am I understanding? Am I judging? Am I working with my brother, sister, child, spouse, employer, the way that I would have Jesus Christ work with me? Would I have Him do the same thing to me that I am doing?”

Let’s go back to Psalms – Psalm 139 – a couple verses that show us what God thinks of us. You know, we see God, I hope, as the who He is – a supreme being, master over all, our Savior, our Rock, our Deliverer. We may sometimes think that he just sees us as pawns, but not at all. Psalm 139, verse 1 – David speaking:

Psalm 139:1-5 – “Oh Lord” – he says – “you have searched me and known me.” Ah, God took the time to get to know David. He took the time to understand what made David tick. He watched what was going on in his life and knew him well. “Oh Lord, you have searched me and known me. You know my sitting down and my rising up. You understand my thought afar off. You comprehend my path and my lying down and You are acquainted with all my ways.” See how attentive God is to us – how attentive He was to David? He knows all those things about us. He watches us. His Holy Spirit leads us and guides us. He is well aware of what’s going on. Verse 4: “There is not a word on my tongue but behold, O LORD, You know it altogether. You have hedged me behind and before and you have laid Your hand upon me. You know me. You understand me.” God knew exactly how to get to David when he sinned. David went month after month after month without repenting of the sin with Bathsheba and Uriah. But He knew that…well, I’m sure He knew, by the way He had seen David operate, that when He sent Nathan the prophet to him, he would respond and that he would get it. He knew how to approach him – that he would understand what he had done – just like He knows how to approach us and get our attention, if we’re listening – if we’re paying attention, if we don’t close our minds or harden our hearts, and just say, “Not me, not my fault,” but realize most of the time, when we have problems, we have some issues of our own that we need to address. We drop down to verse 23 in this chapter, and we see David…he knows God and he wants God to know him. He wants God to work with him. He concludes this psalm with:

V-23 – “Search me, O God, and know my heart. Try me and know my anxieties.  Get to know me even more. Test me. I need to work these things out. I need to become more like You” – more like, we would say, Jesus Christ. “I need to be more like You, so when You point these things out to me, I’m not going to get mad, I’m not going to get defensive, and I’m not going to justify myself. I’m going to say, ‘Oh I have missed the mark. I need to become more like Jesus Christ. I need to understand more of Your ways. I need to understand more of what You do” – just like we need to understand each other and follow the pattern that God gives us. “Search me, O God, and know my heart. Try me and know my anxieties and see if there is any wicked way in me and lead me in the way everlasting. Lead me in that way.” Empathy. Empathy.

Let’s go back to Psalm 103 – a few chapters back – Psalm 103, verse 14 – pick it up in verse 13:
Psalm 103:13-14 – As a father pities his children so the LORD pities those who fear Him. I should have looked up the word pities, I bet there’s a better translation for that. As a father wants to touch His children – wants to help them – so God pities those who fear Him for He knows our frame. He remembers that we are dust. He remembers that we are dust – not perfect, like Him, yet. We are supposed to be working toward that. He remembers we are dust. Maybe we need to,  sometimes, when we become at odds with someone, remember we are dust. If we have issues with our children, remember they’re children. They’re not perfect. We don’t want to quell what’s developing in them. We don’t want to quell what’s developing in each other. We don’t want to quell what God is working in our wives or our husbands, or other church members. Remember that we are dust. He remembers that. When we remember that, and we understand what makes people tick, or some of their background that lead to some of the things that occur in their lives, we want to help. The love of God begins to come about there, just like it does with us.

Back a few more chapters in Psalm 56, verse 8 – David again writing. He says:

Psalms 56:8 – God, you number my wanderings. You know where I’m going. You know where I’ve been. …you number my wanderings. You put my tears into Your bottle. Do you see the empathy that’s there? The things that touch God, the things that touch us, He remembers. He remembers and He’s merciful. He doesn’t excuse sin. He doesn’t compromise and say, “Okay, I’m going to give you a free pass. You don’t have to obey these commands,” but He’s patient with us as He develops – as we make the choices to let God develop in us the perfection that He wants us to have. You number my wanderings, You, put my tears into Your bottle. Aren’t they in Your book. Don’t you know those things? That is what God does for you and me too. He knows. He understands. He understands.

When we have empathy – empathy – and develop that with each other, and with our mates and our children, when we have empathy, relationships can grow. Agape can grow. John 13:35 can really come about. Really truly happy marriages can come about. But it can’t be just one or two, it needs to be everyone who is looking at these things. Because, after all, God has called all of us to work out our salvation with fear and trembling. He understands our backgrounds. And He understands where we are at. He also understands what we need in order to become more like Him. So, in order for empathy to develop, people have to open up from time to time. Admitting fault to yourself is a big step in anyone’s life. We all did it as we came into the church and realized our past lives. No matter how good we thought we lived our lives, they were pretty bad compared to what God expects of us as recorded in His Bible.

Back in Matthew 11, verse 28, we have Jesus Christ again, and He knew that people in that time were suffering and they had issues that needed to be worked out. He knew that for the rest of time – because mankind is the same today, yesterday and forever…. The same things that plagued the people back in 3000 BC are the type of things that plague us today. They had issues back in Jesus Christ time. We have issues today. He says in Matthew 11:28:

Matthew 11:28 – Come to Me all you who labor and are heavy laden and I will give you rest.  “Come to me,” He says. “Give Me your cares and your burdens. Tell them to Me.” I hope when we have cares and burdens, we take them to Jesus Christ. We take them to God the Father. We lay them on Him, because He will be faithful and just to give us answers, if we diligently seek His word, and if we diligently want those, and aren’t just checking off a box, and saying, “I asked God. Now the rest is up to me.” Well, the rest is up to us as far as seeking and persistently asking Him to lead and guide us. But you can see the empathy. “Come to Me. Talk. I want to help. I want to help. I don’t want you to be continually in this state that you’re in.”

Back in Galatians, the apostle Paul who had to learn that himself, because you remember the apostle Paul, before he was called, he was a very judgmental person. “You believe in Jesus Christ? Your life is worth nothing.” Right? That is what his mission way. He was very okay with arresting Christians. But then when he came to understand the truth, he saw things in a totally different way. He had to learn he couldn’t be the forceful person that he was by himself. He had to work with people in the same way that Jesus Christ works with people – that is, to get to know them and have them trust you not to lay the hammer, never to compromise His law, but to work with them with understanding and patience. Galatians 6, verse 1:

Galatians 6:1-2 – Brethren, if a man is overtaken in any trespass, you who are spiritual restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness, considering yourself lest you also be tempted. “Pay attention to how you are talking to them,” He said. “Don’t let yourself get too full of yourself, and think you’ve got all the answers, and you’re so high and mighty, just because they have a problem that you may not have.” Considering yourself lest you also be tempted. Bear one another’s burdens. Bear one another’s burdens. If one brother hurts, everyone hurts. If one rejoices, we all rejoice. Bear one another’s burdens – what’s the rest of that verse? – and so fulfill the law of Christ. What law? Well, the Ten Commandments certainly – the law, love your neighbor as yourself; the law, love God with all your heart, mind and soul. Bear one another’s burdens. Understand. Sometimes we might just think it’s kind of a nuisance to do those things, or it’s taking too much time. Boy, I am glad Jesus Christ never tells me, “I’ve given you all the time that I’m giving you.” But He’s there to listen, and He’s there to understand, and He’s there to bear the burdens whenever. …and so fulfill the law of Christ. Husbands and wives, bear one another’s burdens. If one is offended, if one is having a problem, bear it. Talk about it. Come to agreement. Don’t just shove it under the carpet, and say, “It’s his problem; it’s her problem.” Parents and children, come to understand. I was guilty of the same thing when I would say, “I don’t understand my kid. I don’t understand why he does those things.” But I came to realize I wasn’t taking the time. I wasn’t taking the time to understand. Just because he’s my flesh – he or she – because I have two of each – doesn’t mean that everything they think, say, and do is exactly the way I think, say and do. Sometimes as parents, we just think, “I know.” Sometimes it is true, right? Sometimes we know exactly what our children are thinking. But not all the time. They’re individuals, too. They grow up in the same household, but they’ve got different friends. They’ve got different schools. They’ve got different classmates. They’ve got different teachers. We have to understand. We have to take the time. We have to empathize. We have to get to know. We have to engage people in bearing their burdens, so we can help them.

We go down in chapter 6 here to verse 9. It say:

 Galatians 6:9 – Let us not grow weary while doing good. We can’t give up on the relationships. We can’t give up on what God has called us to do. We can’t give up – shouldn’t give up – on husband and wife. Shouldn’t give up on parent and child. Shouldn’t give up. Sometimes the other person makes that decision by their actions and choices. Shouldn’t give up church member to church member. Empathize.

Christ walked a mile in our shoes. Do you remember that old saying? Walk a mile… Wasn’t there a song about that too? Walk a mile in my shoes or something? He walked a mile in our shoes. Sometimes we need to walk a mile and take the time to understand – and when we understand, to allow the empathy to develop.

There is a beautiful verse – the shortest verse in the Bible – John 11:35 – that verse of two words:

John 11:35 – Jesus wept. Jesus wept. It tells you something about what Jesus Christ and the empathy He had when that verse is in the Bible. Because He knew that He was going to resurrect Lazarus. When He did that, that was when Mary and Martha were mourning the death of their brother, Lazarus. Jesus Christ knew He was there to resurrect him to life. He could have just thought, “Well, you know, you don’t know what’s going to happen. I’m going to resurrect him and your mourning will be turned into joy.” He wept. Why? Because He saw how they were hurting. He saw how they were hurting and He wanted to help. And He did.

Let me close with two scriptures. As we talk about relationship building, and the things that are in the Bible, and the thing we can learn from books, there is just so much that we can do. All of us fall short in it – me included. Let’s read 1 John 3, verse 14, to show how important it is to God, because love – or agape – is the first of the fruits of the Spirit that are listed. Agape is the mark, or a sign, of His true church. In 1 John 3:14, the apostle John, who lived and walked with Jesus Christ for 3 1/2 years, and here in 90’s AD, he’s still following Him – still doing His will. He says this in verse 14:

1 John 3:14 – You know that we have passed from death to life because we agape the brethren. That’s a pretty powerful verse. We know that we have passed from death to life because we love the brethren. He who does not love his brother abides in death. Whoever hates is brother is a murderer, and you know that no murderer has eternal life abiding in him. By this we know love, because He laid down His life for us – unworthy. He could have easily said, “Not worth the time. Not worth the effort.” But to Him, it was worth the effort. By this we know love that He laid down His life for us. And we also ought to lay down our lives for the brethren. Whoever has the world’s goods and sees his brother in need, and shuts up his heart from him, how does the love of God abide in him? My little children, let us not love in word or in tongue, but in deed and in truth – all the relationships that we build and the things that we learn when as we come together each Sabbath with each other. As we encounter and talk with each other through the week and learn and get to know each other more in home Bible studies and other opportunities that we have to be together. They build what God is working in us. You can’t serve God on your own. You can’t serve God as a single entity. There’s too much that He’s working in us, and among us, for that to happen.

Next time I am here…and I know many of you will be – or several of you are going to be – at the Winter Family Weekend next week – I hope you have a very nice time up there. Next time I am here, we will continue with this and we will talk about some things we can do to help us put into practice what we have talked about today.

Let’s close, for today, in Ephesians – Ephesians 4, verse 1.

Ephesians 4:1 – I therefore, the prisoner of the Lord – Paul writes – beseech you – he is talking to you me and everyone, whom God has called, or are in His church – I therefore, the prisoner of the LORD, beseech you to walk worthy of the calling with which you were called with all lowliness and gentleness, with longsuffering, with patience, bearing with one another in love, endeavoring to keep the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. May we all strive to do that. May we all strive to improve our relationships and please God.