Healing Broken Trust in Marriage, Part 6: Setting and Maintaining Boundaries in Marriage

Boundaries are important in all relationships. They protect us from our own and others’ self-destructive behaviors that affect our lives. The book Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend defines boundaries this way: “Boundaries are not walls. The Bible does not say that we are to be walled off from others; it says we are to be one with them. However, we have our own space and property. Property lines are permeable enough to allow passing and strong enough to keep out danger. Often, when people are abused while growing up, they reverse the function of boundaries and keep the bad in and the good out.” God created us for relationships with Him and others. God’s Word shows us what our responsibilities are and where our boundaries begin and end: [“Bear one another’s burdens and so fulfill the law of Christ.… For each one shall bear his own load” (Galatians 6:2, 5).] We must understand the difference between burden and load. Burden refers to a heavy load that is crushing. Burdens are too heavy to carry alone, and through healthy relationships, we help one another with our burdens. A load is manageable and represents what each person is responsible for in their own life. 

The book, Facing the Shame, uses a zipper analogy to describe boundaries. Shame-based people have zippers on the outside of their lives, where anyone can access them. Healthy people have zippers on the inside of their lives, and they control who has access.

When my husband first wanted to save our marriage, we were separated and in the midst of a pending divorce. He contacted our pastor for help getting back on track with God and to reunite with me. I received counseling from our pastor and elders on setting and maintaining healthy boundaries in marriage. Learning what boundaries were and how to use them became a new way to stay safe and to be accountable for my actions and for what I allowed into my life. With some guidance, I identified the boundaries I needed to feel safe, heal, and grow spiritually. From experience, I realized I could not control my husband’s choices. I was responsible for my choices, including how I would respond if my husband broke through my boundaries. This meant I had to find consequences focused on protecting myself rather than punishing him. 

My first boundaries around our marriage included the following: 1) My husband would come back to Church, and we would put God first in our lives individually. 2) We would both work with a CSAT (certified sex addiction therapist) together. 3) We would both join the support group, Prodigals, to heal and become emotionally and mentally healthy. There was a group just for men and one just for ladies. Their focus was on our individual relationship with God and taking responsibility for ourselves. 4) We would have open and honest communication between us to protect our marriage and prevent further deception and start to rebuild trust. We would wait for each of our counseling sessions to bring up emotionally painful areas so we would have the guidance needed. We would live in the present and only bring up the past for the purpose of healing and reconciliation. The past would not be brought up as a weapon or a wall. 5) If my husband had a relapse, I wanted to know within 48-72 hours.

If my husband chose to do these things, I would welcome him back into our home after six months, which I did. After he returned, we lived in separate parts of our house for the next two years while we finished our counseling, rebuilt trust, and continued to heal.

During this time, I learned three principles to help me stay within my boundaries. These principles helped me maintain a Godly mindset as I moved forward in recovery. 1) Always begin with love. Boundaries often cause conflict and resistance at first. I let my husband know I was praying for him and that I was on his side. He was overcoming feelings of shame and worthlessness. Love is active, and I needed this mindset to replace any resentments that would hurt us both. 2) Truth – Boundaries are necessary for love and respect to thrive in relationships. We are responsible for how we treat each other. This was especially challenging during difficult conversations. “Faithful are the wounds of a friend: but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful” (Proverbs 27:6). 3) Freedom to choose is God-given. God gives us the freedom to learn from our mistakes and grow. Consequences, whether good or bad, teach us. 

Boundaries need consequences when they are broken. As I thought about possible consequences, I asked myself, “Am I protecting myself or trying to change my husband?” I learned two principles that helped me find the right consequences for my boundaries: 1) Remove the desirable and add the undesirable to my husband’s life as a result of breaking a marriage boundary. My husband wanted to move back into our home. If he had a relapse, we would remain separated until he was back in alignment with God. 2) Let natural consequences teach responsibility through cause and effect. When the pain of natural consequences outweighs the pain on the inside, people move to change. The pain of my husband losing close relationships with God and his family was greater than the pain of his addiction. This potential loss moved my husband onto the path of his recovery. Getting out of God’s way so He could work with my husband and taking care of myself was a wonderful trade-up from my previous attempts to rescue what I could not control. Our lives are full of choices. “I call heaven and earth as witnesses today against you, that I have set before you life and death, blessing and cursing: therefore choose life, that both you and your descendants may live” (Deuteronomy 30:19). 

I was on the path to learning how to respond to anger. Growing up, I was punished for feeling angry or sad. I brought this into my marriage and avoided both emotions. I learned that buried emotions do not go away. I could only stuff my emotions for so long before they overwhelmed me. This led to outbursts of anger toward my husband. When I began to set boundaries in my marriage, my husband would occasionally react in anger. Through counseling, I learned to detach from his responses by taking responsibility for my own. I learned to detach enough to go pray for him and take care of myself. This helped me learn to be supportive without giving in or being controlled. I also had a support system with the ladies in Prodigals. Prodigals International is a non-profit Christian support group that focuses on healing after sexual betrayal in marriage. They helped me focus on my own walk with God. I was learning to respect both my husband and myself. My husband and I were learning self-control instead of controlling others. This led us to change the way we related to each other. I was more loving and respectful. My husband began to change his angry responses by replacing blame with taking responsibility for his actions.

I created a second set of boundaries just for myself. With God, I took a long, reflective look at my behavior patterns, including controlling or rescuing others by interfering with their right to choose. Rescuing my husband from natural consequences had enabled him to continue irresponsible behavior. I also had to address my inappropriate anger, driven by unhealed trauma, lack of self-control, and denial. I kept a copy of my boundaries and reviewed them often because they gave me clarity about what I could do and what I could not do. My very first boundary was to put God at the center of my life instead of me and to rely on Him to meet my needs for love, acceptance, and belonging. I would not expect or take these needs from others by seeking approval, recognition, or people-pleasing to get my needs for love, acceptance, and belonging. 

Another boundary I set was working through my past fears and anger with a counselor. I took the time I needed to move through the process of grieving the pain, so I could let it go, heal, and forgive. I now live in the present as I work through the past. I will no longer allow myself to get stuck in the past or give it power to hurt my present and future. I set several boundaries for each area that needed attention. I kept a journal of my progress, which was encouraging. When I broke boundaries, I would take it to God, repent, and read encouraging scriptures. “Being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ” (Philippians 1:6). I also recorded when I broke boundaries so I could share them with my counselor or mentor in Prodigals for accountability and growth. 

Every situation involving betrayal is different. Each person has to determine what boundaries and consequences are right for their own circumstances. Much depends on the choices that are made along the way.

For me, if my husband had refused to turn back to God and live within healthy boundaries for our marriage, I would have had to recognize that he was not truly willing to rebuild trust or save our marriage.

Praying for him every day, waiting on God and continuing to work through my own healing helped keep me focused on God and gave me hope. Restoration is possible, but it takes real effort from both people.

Stepping out in faith means choosing to live in truth and in the freedom God offers. That freedom does not depend on someone else’s choices. God gives us many promises in His Word, and He truly wants what is best for each of us: “For I know the thoughts that I think towards you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope” (Jeremiah 29:11).

Healing Broken Trust in Marriage: Introduction to a Series on the Healing Journey
Healing Broken Trust in Marriage, Part 1: Managing the Crisis
Healing Broken Trust in Marriage, Part 2: The Nature of the Addiction
Healing Broken Trust in Marriage, Part 3: Commitment to Personal Healing
Healing Broken Trust in Marriage, Part 4: Trauma’s Undercurrent
Healing Broken Trust in Marriage, Part 5: Codependency
Healing Broken Trust in Marriage, Part 6: Setting and Maintaining Boundaries in Marriage