The 5th Commandment: Honoring your Parents

He says so simply, honor your father and your mother that your days may be long upon the land which the Lord your God is giving you. Why would God need to put something like that in the Bible? I mean, isn't it intuitive? Isn't it natural? Why would he have to just put this in here? Something that should be so easy to do or so natural for us to do?

Just as the first commandment about having no other gods before God honors and solidifies that relationship between God and His creation. And just as that seventh commandment about not committing adultery honors that marital relationship, so this commandment honors that family relationship. This is such a vital commandment that God felt that He had to put it in Scripture to honor our father and our mother because it upholds this family connection. And you know, there's a hint in this language of something that's individual, right? That your days may be long upon the land. The Jewish Bible, the complete Jewish Bible says that you may live long in the land. So there's something about long life, but there's a hint of a national long life in here too, right? Because it says here that your days may be long upon the land which the Lord your God has given you. The your can be individually and it can be collectively. That is, the society itself will have the stability that it needs to be able to continue in the land for a long period of time. Right? Because societies and civilizations, they come and go. If you go to Paris and you go to the Louvre, you can see civilization after civilization that came and went. And God is saying if you want your days to be long in the land, you will do this because a stable family is a stable society. And so there's a connection individually for us with long life, but there's also a connection from a societal standpoint. And the same could be applied to our church community as well. Stable families in the church mean a stable church. Stable families at the time of Nehemiah, right, in terms of how they were going to teach their children, right? There was a final verse there that Mark Philip kind of almost got to, which is, you know, talking about Solomon. You see what Solomon did? He allowed himself to marry all these foreign women and they stole his heart away from that. And so there's this sense of the important stability of our society. You don't need to turn there, but Deuteronomy 5 verse 16 repeats this commandment, and when it repeats this commandment, it says that it may be well with you. It adds, it may be well with you. It's going to be good. It's going to be positive. It's going to be helpful. Not only for you, but for your society, for your communities. This commandment is about upholding the foundations of all of them. Turn over to 2 Timothy 3, and let's see how this plays out at the end time. 2 Timothy 3 gives us a list of all sorts of terrible things that are going to exist at the end of days.

A terrible list. 2 Timothy 3 verse 1. But know this, that in the last days, perilous times will come. And what will cause those times to be perilous? Men will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boasters, proud blasphemers, and disobedient to parents. That's actually going to be one of the things that leads to the destruction of society, is that children are disobedient to their parents.

They are not honoring their parents. We don't have the time to look there, but you can write down Romans 1 verse 26 to 30, because it's also got a long list of terrible things that were going on in Rome that Paul had to write to the church about. And when he wrote to the church, he included being disobedient to parents on that list as well.

So this comes up multiple times. And in fact, this was actually something that God called out with the nation of Israel in Ezekiel 22. Go over to Ezekiel 22 verse 7.

Ezekiel 22 verse 7 brings us out as well, that one of the reasons that the nation was destroyed was because they were disobedient to their parents.

Ezekiel 22, let's start in verse 1, moreover, the Word of the Lord, Ezekiel 22 verse 1, came to me saying, Now, Son of man, will you judge the bloody city? Yes, show her all her abominations. So now what we're going to read is a list of abominations. Verse 7, In you they have made light of father and mother. And this made light, we're going to get to the definition here of what it means to honor. Note that well because that is the opposite of what honor means in Hebrew. And then in verse 15 it says, I will scatter you among the nations to disperse you throughout the countries and remove your filthiness completely from you.

Why? Because you were disobedient to your parents and didn't honor them. That was one of the reasons listed. That's how serious this is. The commandment to honor our parents is fundamental. For our personal health and well-being, leading to our long lives, and to the society around us. George Bernard Shaw, famous Irish playwright, you might have heard him say this.

He wrote once that a happy family is an early heaven. That's what we want. We want a happy family. It's just bliss. Now obviously his concept of heaven and our concept of heaven are different, but I think we understand the sentiment. A happy family is a beautiful and wonderful thing. So today I want to discuss this commandment that we would have a better perspective on what it means to honor our parents. We're going to define this word honor in Exodus 20. And we're going to go through three ways the Bible discusses how to honor our parents. Obedience, listening, respect, and care. And by the way, I'm not the only one to come up with this. You can listen to a lot of sermons on this.

I didn't make these. These are in the Bible. So if somebody says, somebody else talked about these three things. Well, it's because it's in the Bible. Obedience, listening, respect, and care. And interestingly, these correspond. Rick Warren came up with a very interesting insight. These tend to correspond to the stages of your life, and we'll talk about that a little bit. Let's start with the biblical definition.

Let's go back to Exodus 20 and verse 12. Exodus 20 and verse 12. This word, honor, here. Honor your father and your mother. This word, honor, is the Hebrew word, kabad. K-A-B-E-D. It's pronounced according to Strongs as kabad. Kabad means to be heavy. That's strange. The word honor means to be heavy. Now, to be heavy can be negative in the sense of burdensome, irritating, right?

It can have that meaning, and it's used that way in Scripture. You know, this way is heavy on my mind. It's a burden. But it can also be a positive thing as well. It can be a positive thing in terms of numerous or rich or honorable. You don't need to turn there, but in Genesis 13 verse 2, it says that Abraham was rich in cattle. That word, rich – sorry, I'm slipping out my French here.

Sorry. That word, rich, is the word kabad. Heavy. Abraham was heavy in cattle. That's the word for rich that's translated there. There's another passage. Again, you don't have to turn there. In Judges 1 verse 35, speaking of the house of Joseph, it said that it grew strong. The house of Joseph grew strong. That word grew strong is kabad, heavy. They grew heavy. And in fact, the French translation actually uses the word heavy.

It says they grew heavy. That's what it means. It means that you put some value on it. So if somebody hands you – I don't know if you've ever held a gold coin in your hand, or maybe you went and you picked up a pure silver fork or knife.

It's got some weight to it, right? It's like, wow, that thing's real. It's heavy. So you give some value to it. You give value to it. It's got heaviness. It's got importance associated with us. So we honor our parents because they have importance. They have heaviness. They have something of honor or value that we respect and set aside. So that's what it means to honor.

Now, the first way that we honor our parents, we can see, is in Ephesians 6, verse 1, and that is we obey our parents. Ephesians 6, verse 1. The first way we honor our parents, among the three ways that I'm going to describe today, is through obedience.

Ephesians 6, verse 1.

Now, you can be obedient to your parents your whole life. In fact, you probably should be. But you typically are obedient to your parents when you're children, right? Because that's when your parents say, look, this is what I need you to do. And that's the time that you do it. We see it here in Ephesians 6, verse 1. Children, obey your parents.

Children, obey your parents. By the way, it says in the Lord. We'll get to that in a second. For this is right. And why is it right? Because he's going to quote the fifth commandment. Honor your father and mother, which is the first commandment with promise that it may be well with you and you may live long on the earth. So the first way that we honor our parents is by obeying our parents. We obey our parents. And likewise, parents have a responsibility to their children, as it says in verse 4, and you, fathers, do not provoke children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord. So this scripture highlights an important dynamic between children and parents, between honor and respect. Because children are to obey their parents, but parents are not to provoke. I like the French on this. The French use the word irritate. That's how they translate provoke. Parents don't irritate your children. And how many children are irritated by their parents? That happens all the time. Ah, so irritating! Get off my back! That's what a lot of times children will think of their parents. But the fact is that children need to learn to obey their parents, because they're learning what authority means. And authority is important. If anybody's had to work for a boss, you know authority is important, because bosses can be irritating.

Parents can be irritating, but you still got to deal with it. You still got to work with it. Gary Petty, a pastor in the United Church of God, I think many of you have listened to his sermons, has a really interesting insight around this. Where he talks about the difference between a God-oriented family, a parent-oriented family, and a child-oriented family. Three types of families. And what we see here is we see a God-oriented family. Where the parents or the father is focused on bringing the children up in the admonition of the Lord. They're not focused on their own authority. A parent-oriented family is focused on the authority of the parents. A parent-oriented family says, you do what I say because I'm the parent, and I've been around longer, and I know better than you. And that just is irritating for children. That is irritating. That is going to provoke children. Because it's all about the parent, and how smart they are, and how wise they are. But a God-oriented family says, look, I'm doing the best I can, right? The father says, I'm doing the best I can to read what's in the book, to bring you up in the admonition of the Lord, so that you will be successful in your life. And I'm going to make mistakes as a parent. And when I do, I'm going to admit those mistakes to you. Right? That's a God-oriented parenting approach. Not a parent-oriented approach.

And of course, a child-oriented approach is the worst. Right? That's where it's all about the child. The child is, what's he doing? Oh, let's make sure we take care of that. Oh, he needs something here. And it's all about the child. And the child gets it after a while, like, hey, I'm the center of the world. And what that leads to is selfishness. It leads to eventually something even worse, potentially even what it says in 2 Timothy 3. Men will be lovers of themselves. Well, why? Because the whole world's been about them. So why wouldn't they think any other way? It's all about me. Right? So you don't want a child-oriented family. You don't want a parent-oriented family. You want Ephesians 6, verse 4. And you fathers do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord. That's what we're looking for. That's what God is looking for is a God-oriented family.

Now, if you're a parent, this is hard. My wife and I are parents. This is hard. And so many of you here, I'm sure, have a profession. And when you got into your profession, somebody showed you how it worked. You showed up on your first day and they said, okay, now this is how it works. If you're going to be a cashier, or you're going to be a plumber, or you're going to be a doctor, you're going to be a welder, somebody has to come up and say, okay, now this is how it works. I don't know. Maybe you can. Can you pick up a blowtorch and just start using it? I don't know. I have to ask people who are welders here. I hope not. You could burn out your eyes, or you could hurt somebody. Just like a parent needs some training. As parents, we need training. So if you're a parent, go get some training. Go look for materials on this. Go find out how you cannot provoke your children, how you cannot irritate your children, how you can bring them up in the admonition of the Lord. Allow God's Spirit to lead you to find those materials and to discern what's in those materials, because there's a lot of weird stuff out there, too. God's Spirit should help us to understand how to bring up our children in the admonition of the Lord. So this is the first thing. We obey our parents. That's how we honor our parents. The second way we honor our parents is through listening. Go over to Proverbs 22, verse 6. Proverbs 22 and verse 6. The Proverbs just has all sorts of things to say about listening to parents. Proverbs 22 and verse 6. And again, we should be listening to our parents all the time. Whether we're five years old or we're ninety-five years old, we should be listening to our parents. But I will argue that a lot of times listening to our parents is what we do when we're a little bit older. Maybe teenagers or young adults. That's how we can honor our parents. If you're a teenager or you're a young adult, you can listen to your parents. Because actually, they do care about you, typically. Proverbs 22, verse 6. A good name is to be chosen rather than great riches.

Verse 6, sorry, verse 1. Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old, he will not depart from it. Now, I wanted to go to this one first. We're going to look at listening in a second. I wanted to go to this one first because what this gives you a sense on is that there's a time when you train a child, and then there's a time when it's too late. I mean, you have a different type of relationship. Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old, he will not depart from it. There's kind of a time where we say, hey, we're our own entity. Thanks, Mom. Thanks, Dad. Right? But I got this. Well, if you do that too soon, if you're listening to me and you're young, if you do that too soon, you're doing it at your own peril. Wait till you're 25 or 30 to start saying that. Don't say that when you're 15. If you say that when you're 15, you're going to be in big trouble. Wait till you've got a job. Wait till you're married. Wait till you have kids. Wait a little while. Get some more life experience. But there is a time. And so as parents, we have to also realize that there's a time where our kids obey us, and then there's a time where they just listen, and they make their own decisions. And maybe they don't do what we ask. Well, you know, they're adults. They have to make their own choices. Go over to Proverbs 1 and verse 8. Proverbs 1 and verse 8.

My son, hear the instruction of your father, and do not forsake the law of your mother. Listen here. Pay attention. This is how you honor your parents. And also, it's going to be really good for you. For they will be graceful ornaments, Proverbs 1 and verse 9, on your neck, on your head, and chains around your neck.

Now, most of us today don't relate to that analogy, right? I mean, you know, I'm thinking of a guy from the 70s, kind of with this, kind of a shirt open down and chains coming out, and, you know, hairy chest. I mean, that's just like, ugh, I don't want that, right? We need a more modern equivalent to this, right? So I think a more modern equivalent to listening to your parents is like being able to be given a beautiful Rolex watch, right?

Or a beautiful Montbon pen, right? A $10,000 Rolex, right? You know, I don't know if you ever sat next to somebody who's got a $10,000 Rolex, but it's impressive. It's impressive. A $1,000 pen, right? Whoa, where'd you get that? I listened to my parents. Good for you! I want to listen to my parents, too! Can I get a Rolex? Right? That's what's trying to, he's trying to get across here.

It's going to be really good for you if you pay attention to what your parents are telling you. It's going to be really, really good. Go over to Proverbs 6, verse 20. Proverbs 6, verse 20. And again, the assumption here is that your parents are telling you godly, righteous things.

That's what Ephesians 6, verse 2 said. Obey your parents and the Lord. I had a parent who asked me to do something really, really bad when I was 11 years old, and I did it. And I can't believe that my dad, you know, had me do that. But that's not what we're talking about. We're talking about things in the Lord here. And we'll get to that. I'll tell you a little more about that in a moment. Proverbs 6, verse 20. My son, keep your father's command, and do not forsake the law of your mother.

Bind them continually upon your heart. Tie them around your neck. When you roam, they will lead you. When you sleep, they will keep you. And when you awake, they will speak with you. For the commandment is a lamp, and the law is light. Reproofs of instruction are the way of life. This is what it means.

If we're following our parents' instruction and how we should be living our lives according to God's law, this is going to guide our way. It's going to guide our way in so many ways that we cannot even imagine. When children obey their parents like this, and they realize the wisdom that comes from this, then they are blessed. That blessing brings that harmony in the family. A wise man once said, by the time you realize your father was right, you will probably have a son who thinks you're wrong. So if you're young and you're listening to that, just don't be like that.

We can see this. Look over in 1 Timothy 3. We went to 2 Timothy 3, but look over in 1 Timothy 3. And we'll see that this is the kind of household that's actually described as the household of what an elder or an overseer should have. In 1 Timothy 3, in talking about the qualifications of an overseer, it says here that in verse 4, this person is one who rules his own house well, having his children in submission.

Okay, now let me tell you, if you want to be an authoritarian, autocratic, strongman person in your family, that ain't going to cut it. Your kids will be in submission. They'll hate you for it. They'll be resentful, right? But look what it says, with all reverence. See, in that kind of God-oriented family, the parents are exercising authority in a God-oriented way, and their kids are in submission, but they're in submission with, wow, this is good. I'm okay with this.

Things are going well. Yeah, sometimes dad makes mistakes, but things are going okay here. And the kids are happy to be in that. That's the kind of God-oriented family we're talking about. And that's the kind of dynamic between the parents that God is looking for. Go back to Proverbs 13 verse 1.

Proverbs 13 verse 1. We'll read one more scripture about listening. Proverbs 13 verse 1. A wise son heeds his father's instruction, but a scoffer does not listen to rebuke. A wise person listens. And as we become adults, the question is, do we value the opinion of our parents? Do we seek their counsel and their input? I hope we do. My father died when I was 21 years old, and he left a gaping hole in my life. I've talked about that before. And I feel like even though he didn't follow God's church, he didn't follow God's lifestyle, he didn't follow what was written in scripture, there was still a hole.

I would have liked to have called him on how to help me fix a car. I would have liked some help in building a treehouse for my kids. I really longed to have some advice on just some basic physical things that I couldn't ask a dad for. But I was able to ask other men. And so I would ask you that if you are a person in the church, and there's another young adult or somebody who needs a little bit of hands from time to time, be there for them.

You can help in those situations. And if you are a young person who has a parent who has perhaps dishonored themselves in some way such that you are estranged and you can't reach out to them, that you look out for other people who can give you some of that advice. If you've lost a parent, seek the advice from other parents. Listen. It's how you can learn, even if you can't honor your parent in quite the same way. The third way we honor our parents is through respecting and caring for our parents.

We respect and we care for them. And again, we should respect our parents always. We should care for our parents always. And as little children, we tend to naturally want to care for our parents and protect our parents. But as we get older, and as our parents get older, this becomes a little bit more concrete in terms of physical care. Look over in Leviticus 19. Let's see the scriptural admonition for respect here.

Again, these are all just biblical definitions of how we honor our parents. Leviticus 19, starting in verse 1, it says, And the Lord spoke to Moses, saying, Speak to all the congregation of the children of Israel, and say to them, You shall be holy, for I, the Lord your God, am holy. And now he's going to give a whole set of admonitions and instructions in the law. This is part of the law, right? In verse 3, the first thing that he says is, Every one of you shall revere his mother and his father. Every one of you shall revere. Now, the word revere is not a word that we use very often today. We don't revere somebody. That's a heavy duty kind of word. That's kind of an over-the-top kind of word. The Cambridge dictionary defines revere as to greatly respect and admire someone or something. So reverence is just a higher form of respect. And again, the French Bible actually uses the word respect. They just translate this, You shall respect your mother and your father. But the English goes one a little bit higher. The Hebrew word yar, for revere, is defined as to fear. So the actual Hebrew word is to fear. Now, we know that fear, in that sense, is a godly fear, as in the beginning of wisdom is the fear of God. So we fear, sort of in that utmost reverent, respectful way, God. That same kind of word is used here in terms of how we treat our parents. We respect our parents because of what they did for us. We respect our parents for being human beings that we know probably better than most human beings on the planet. We respect our parents, if they are in God's church, for the struggles that they went through in the faith. We respect our parents for many, many reasons. And learning to respect our parents despite their flaws, that's part of growth, spiritual growth, because many of our parents have flaws or had flaws. Go over in 1 Timothy 5 again, 1 Timothy. We're just there. 1 Timothy 5 now. 1 Timothy 5 tells us of a specific way that we respect our parents in terms of caring for our parents.

1 Timothy 5. Interestingly, in 1 Timothy 5, it says, The older women as mothers. Now that kind of breaks into the thought, but basically what he's saying is that in a congregation, we should be treating the older women as we would treat our mother, which is to presume that we will honor, respect, obey, listen, care for, all those other things that we've been talking about. You will treat those older women like your mother. It says, verse 3, Honor true widows who are really widows. So you honor them, right? Right after there. You honor that woman like you honor your own mother.

Verse 4, But if any widow has children or grandchildren, let them, that is, those children or grandchildren, first learn to show piety at home and repay their parents, for this is the good and acceptable before God. You see, parents would have or should have sacrificed for us. They sacrificed their time. They sacrificed their money. They sacrificed a lot for us as kids. And as parents get older, that's the time to repay. That's the word that's used, to repay them for what they gave to us. That's the time where we take care of them. Verse 5, Now she who is really a widow and left alone trusts in God and continues in supplication and prayers night and day. But she who lives in pleasure is dead while she lives, and these things command that they may be blameless. But notice verse 8, If anyone does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever. If we don't take care of our parents, it kind of doesn't matter all the other great stuff. Oh, I'm a really good speaker. Oh, I'm a really good... I serve every day. I come to church. I do all these things. I've been faithful in keeping the feast. I observe the... No, it says that how you take care of your parents is an indication of your spiritual condition. And if you don't take care of your parents, you're just like somebody actually who's not even part of the church. In fact, you're worse! You're even worse than that. So we have to take care of our parents as they get older. Now, in Africa, unfortunately, the parents want to take money from their kids when they're, you know, teenagers. And sometimes you see that in cultures, right? A young man goes to work, comes home, and the parents are like, give me the money. No, that's stealing. That's not what the Scripture is talking about. If a parent is capable of working for him or herself, they should work for him or herself. They shouldn't be looking for money from their kids immediately. This is as the parents are getting older. This is what's being discussed here. Look over in John 19, verse 25. Let's see that Jesus Christ Himself did this. John 19, verse 25.

Now there stood by the cross of Jesus His mother and His mother's sister, Mary, the wife of Clopas, and Mary Magdalene, John 19, verse 25. So here's the scene, right? Jesus is on the cross. This is this awful, awful time. He's on the cross, and before Him are these women. And Jesus therefore saw His mother and the disciple whom He loved standing by, that is John, standing next to His mother.

He said to His mother, Woman, behold your son. And then He said to the disciple, Behold your mother. And from that hour, that disciple took her to his own home. Now, Jesus didn't say a lot of things on the cross. Now, why didn't He say a lot of things on the cross? Because you can't hardly breathe. That's how you die. You typically suffocate.

Because every time to breathe, you have to take your legs, and you have to lift yourself up to take a breath. Okay? So He's just not sitting down with a cup of coffee here saying this. He is on the cross, barely able to breathe, saying very, very few things. And yet, He chose among the very few things He was going to say, to say these two phrases, to make sure that His mother was taken care of. Right?

You can imagine the effort that it would have taken for Him to get these words out. That's the serious nature of how we honor our parents. We take care of them. We take care of our parents.

Go to Proverbs 23 now. Proverbs 23 verse 22.

We'll see one other verse here about caring for our parents.

Proverbs 23 verse 22 says, Listen to your father who begot you. We talked about listening. And do not despise your mother when she is old. Do not despise your mother when she is old. You know, we do not despise our mother by calling her. If you call your mother, you're not despising her. If you don't call her, you're probably despising her.

We don't despise our mother by sending her a card from time to time, asking how she's doing. But if we don't do that, we're probably despising her.

All of this leads to building strong families. That's what this leads to in the Lord.

Finally, I want to talk about the situation when a parent has done something despicable. I think I've gone through three ways why we honor our parents. Sometimes a parent has done something so despicable as to dishonor themselves, such that they are not deserving of honor. They might have abused a child sexually. They might have abandoned a child. I'm talking about a parent or a mother or a father. We hear these awful stories. Abandonment in a child is crushing. It is so crushing. It is something that now psychologists and psychiatrists and medical doctors realize that the brain itself forms differently. Connections are made differently. It truly affects a child for the rest of his or her life.

If you're in that situation, God says in Psalm 27 verse 10 something very important to you. Psalm 27 verse 10, if you've been abandoned, if you've been abused, if you've been neglected, if you've suffered the wrath of an overbearing father, whatever it might be, Psalm 27 verse 10 says, That's for you. That's for me. I felt like I was a fatherless boy. My dad was still alive, but he walked away from the family. He did a lot of despicable things. And so it says that God is the father to the fatherless. That's not just something that he made up. It's really how God feels. He is your father. He is your parent. He is there for you when your parents abandoned you, abused you, forsook you. God is there for you.

It takes courage. It takes time. It takes effort to overcome the hurt and the pain that a child feels when a parent has done that. But it has to be done. If your parent has done that to you, you have to confront it. You have to get help. Because the fifth commandment is still there. It's still in the Bible. The fifth commandment didn't go away because your father abused you. It's still in the Bible. And you see, if we don't overcome those things, then how we lead our own family will be diminished. Because our own children will see the lack of respect. They'll see the lack of obedience. They'll see the lack of honor. They'll see all those things. And what kind of example is that for them?

Those memories, those feelings, that hurt, it has to be confronted. It has to be dealt with. We have to forgive. It's been said, who my father was doesn't matter. What I remember about him does.

And sometimes, if the relationship is still abusive, even after a conversation, you may only be able to have a relationship if you take a certain precaution, a certain distance. Perhaps it's just a simple card from time to time. Perhaps it's a conversation with your own children to say, you know, grandpa has a problem.

But we still love him. Maybe it's just a conversation like that.

But it's not about cutting off contact. It's just having precautions and boundaries around the contact. Your journey will be hard, but the power of overcoming will be great.

When we read Jesus' words that the last shall be first and the first shall be last, I think of you. Because the power of your overcoming in those situations will put you in a place to serve in God's kingdom in a way that others can't. Your reward is great. So be strong and be brave if your parents have abused you.

God loves you and will be there for you. And you too can honor your parents in the right way.

Honor your father and your mother that your days may be long on the land God has given you.

We do this because God said so. We do this because God did so. And we do this because God has given us a lot of ways on how to understand how to do it. To listen, to obey, to respect, and to care. Keeping this commandment comes with a blessing for us individually as a church and a nation. I hope we can benefit from that blessing.