Taking Parenting Seriously

I had a special music. I was like, oh, I've got to get up and speak, I guess. Okay. Such a great message in the songs and the words. I should mention we had a great talent show that was organized by email. And the quote from Mr. McNally was, It's a talent show that restored his faith in talent shows. You know what I mean? It was a really good talent show. So anyway, thank you for that special music. It's just such a great message and it's so beautiful. Well, obviously our theme here today is children. We heard that in the sermonette. We heard that for most of the announcements and obviously the special service. You know, every generation has its own special set of issues. I'm sure for all of us individually growing up, we face challenges as we navigated those adolescent years and we grew into adulthood. But the pace of technological and social change is accelerating in such a way that commentators and journalists and those who study these things note that our young people today is a generation of children that face unique and difficult challenges really unseen in human history.

Social media and our ever connected world expose us to tragedies happening all over the world.

And so young people who are on social media see these things going on in Russia or in Syria or in Europe or in Africa. And there's this constant sort of stream of news and there's an inability to unplug. And this creates a sense of angst.

And when you combine that with what we see in terms of economic uncertainty in this country, you certainly see it in France, you see it in Europe with the immigration issues that they face there. You end up with a society that is struggling and adolescents in particular who are struggling with how to cope with life.

The cover story of the November 7th issue of Time Magazine actually addresses this picture of a 20-year-old young lady and the title is Anxiety, Depression, and the American Adolescent.

And what it talks about is that young people in this country today are confronting a reality and that their reputation is one of being more fragile, less resilient, and more overwhelmed than their parents were growing up. And that's a quote from the article.

Let me share the opening story from the life of Faith Ann Bishop in the article entitled, The Kids Are Not Alright by Susanna Schrabdorf.

The first time Faith Ann Bishop cut herself, she was in eighth grade. It was two o'clock in the morning as her parents slept. She sat on the edge of the tub at her home outside Bangor, Maine, with a metal clip from a pen in her hand. And then she sliced into the soft skin under her ribs. And there was blood and a sense of relief. It makes the world very quiet for a few seconds, unquote, says Faith Ann. For a while I didn't want to stop because it was my only coping mechanism. I hadn't learned any other way. And it talks about cutting. Young people actually cut themselves to give themselves a sense of relief from the angst, the anxiety, the depression that they're feeling. According to the article, 6.3 million teenagers ages 13 to 18 have an anxiety disorder.

That represents one quarter of the population of adolescents in the United States. Twenty-five percent of adolescents in this country have an anxiety disorder.

According to the same article, 3 million adolescents ages 12 to 17 in the United States have had at least one major depressive episode in the past year.

3 million young people. How do we guide our young people through the challenges of growing into adults? How do we guide them to be skilled in self-care, in dealing with the realities of this present world? How do we guide them to be connected to a higher purpose that gives meaning to their lives? So as to combat the hopelessness which is unfortunately seeping into the DNA of our young people in this country, and of course the young people of this country are the future of this country. How do we as parents, grandparents, and as a body of believers empower our children to be productive members of our congregations and our communities? Let's turn to Proverbs 22 in verse 6.

Proverbs 22 in verse 6 is a very simple statement that has incredible implications and ramifications. Proverbs 22 verse 6 says very simply, Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it. So simple, so straightforward, train up a child, a powerful verse about parenting, about children listening, and about God guiding. For some parents of young children who are here today, it's a promise that focused effort will yield the fruit of an abundant life for our children. That's a beautiful promise. For some parents of grown children, those children who might be struggling to keep their lives together, it can feel like a bit of an indictment that maybe we could have done more. Wherever we are in life, if we accept God's truth, God's word is truth, then we cannot rip this verse from the book. This verse exists. Train up a child in the way that he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it. It is truth. And as parents, it should send shivers up our spine as to what it means to properly educate our children in love and in truth and in God's truth. Look over in 1 Timothy 5 and verse 8.

Another powerful scripture in this regard. 1 Timothy 5 and verse 8 speaks about providing for a family. 1 Timothy 5 and verse 8, it says, If anyone does not provide for his own, 1 Timothy 5 and verse 8, if anyone does not provide for his own, and especially those of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever. That's the level that Paul, inspired by God, puts taking care of our families. And I think when that word provide is used, we often think about physical, right? We think about a roof over our heads. We think about food on the table. But I think that word provide can be much more broadly interpreted. It means emotionally. It means mentally and spiritually providing for our children. Are we there for our children emotionally? Are we there for our children in terms of the time we spend with them, quantity, and quality? Are we there for our children mentally? Are we there for them spiritually? Are we doing Bible studies with them on Friday evenings? Are we teaching them God's Word? Are we role modeling God's Word and setting up an example for them? It's no wonder that one of the qualifications of an overseer over a minister, just a few verses earlier, look in 1 Timothy 3 verse 4, just one page over for me, one of the qualifications of an overseer in 1 Timothy 3 verse 4 is one who rules his own house well, having his children in submission with all reverence. What is described here is a functioning family, not a dysfunctional family, but a functional family, a family where there is love and respect, there's reverence, there is a certain degree of control, and there is not drama all the time. Now, in every family there is drama, so don't get me wrong, there is always drama. But it is not a constant series of dramatic events and surprises and things going on. God's Word pulls no punches when it talks about child-rearing. His Word loudly proclaims the truth that how we behave at home towards our children is an indicator of our relationship with God. Because if we don't provide for our own family, we are worse than an unbeliever. How does one effectively train up a child, lead his or her household, and provide for children in the fullest sense of the Word? These tasks can seem overwhelming, especially if you're in the thick of it. As my wife and I were raising our family, and there's work, and you've got to get out the door, and the kids can't be late. Oh, he's been late twice. If he's late one more time, he's going to get study hall, and he can't be late. And come home, and what are you going to cook for dinner? And there's homework, and there's all these things that you have to take care of. And how do you fit in all of these things? How do you balance work, family, health, finances?

What are the goals? What are the measurements? Now, there's lots of different things that we can look at in Scripture. We can turn to Galatians 5, verse 22, right? That's a very famous Scripture. Let's look over there for a moment. We're pretty close in Timothy. Just turn over a few verses, Galatians 5, verse 22. This is what you want to teach your children. This is the fruit of the Spirit that should be coming naturally from us, right? And so this imbues our households. The fruit of the Spirit is love and joy, peace, long-suffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. These are the things that we want to share with our children. We want to give them a sense of control to say, You know what? It doesn't make sense to go and try and solve your problems through alcohol or through drugs or through going out with your friends late at night, right? Control. That's not showing love. That's not showing kindness.

Different things have been discussed about how you would sort of define this. This is one way. I want to share a secular one here for just a moment, because I think it indicates some of these. This is from a report issued in 2004. It was commissioned by the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation. And it identifies eight dimensions and indicators of young adult success. So this would be how the world would define success. This was a study by David Hawkins, Sabrina Osterl and Carl Hill. And it was presented in a research paper titled, Successful Young Adult Development. I'm going to read these eight indicators. Physical health. Good nutrition, regular exercise, no substance abuse, avoiding violence, no drinking and driving. Physical health. If you can maintain good physical health, that would be an indicator of success. Psychological and emotional well-being. Positive self-identity, life satisfaction, positive outlook, sense of purpose. Life skills is a third one. Decision making, emotional self-regulation, interpersonal skills, financial responsibility. Ethical behavior is a fourth one. Telling the truth, keeping promises, avoiding crime, obeying the law, demonstrating care and concern for others. Isn't it interesting? Demonstrating care and concern for others. This is from the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation, right? Right out of the Bible. Amazing. Healthy family and social relationships. Bonding and frequent interactions with a parent, an intimate partner or a peer. Involvement in groups such as community, church groups. Amazing, they put that in. Music groups, dance classes. Another one, educational attainment. High school completion. Completion of a post-secondary degree or an occupational certification. Some sort of education that allows you to contribute. Next one, constructive engagement. Constructive engagement. What do they mean? Over 35 hours per week in school, employment or homemaking. That is, there is some sort of constructive thing that we are doing with our lives. We are either at work, we are at home, we are in school, we are productively engaging and contributing. And finally, civic engagement. Volunteer work. Charitable giving. Those are eight criteria outlined in this report on what would be indicators of young adult success. And I think that is a very sort of practical way of putting the fruits of the spirit into action, right? Because if we are loving our neighbor, we are probably involved in charitable giving. If we are loving our neighbor, we are probably having good life skills in terms of being able to interact with that person when they get on our nerves because they are loud at night and they are having a party. We are not all angry, we just go over and say, hey, we are trying to sleep, can you keep it down? These are important life skills that we learn to develop and so forth. And so these are dimensions that people in society are looking to see. Secular indicators of success.

Look over at Matthew 5, verse 14. Because whether it is role modeling the fruits of the spirit or whether it is very practically being able to talk to our neighbor and role model that, there is a fundamental point of believers that Christ talks about in Matthew 5, verse 14. Matthew 5, verse 14.

He says, you are the light of the world. We are the light of the world. We are supposed to be role modeling the fruits of the spirit. We are supposed to be role modeling these indicators of success.

You are the light of the world. A city that is set on a hill cannot be hidden, nor do they light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a lamp stand. It gives light to all who are in the house. Let your light shine. So shine before men that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven. This is what we're talking about. These are works. We're going to talk about works because works and faith are always an interesting complement to one another.

Today, I want to talk about parenting and what makes the difference between successfully launching a young person into the world or contributing to yet another statistic of depression, family breakup, or worse. Whether you're a parent, or could be a parent, or even if you will never be a parent, I think this topic is a concrete way of beginning to understand how God's law works among us. How His grace works among us. Let me say specifically that if you'll never be a parent, there's still a role for you to play. So please listen, because we all have a role, to some degree, believe it or not, in parenting, all of us, even if we're not parents. I have three points I want to cover here. First, successful, biblically centered parenting begins and ends with self-examination against the perfect law of liberty. And means being reconciled to God. Successful, biblically centered parenting begins and ends with looking into the perfect law of liberty and being reconciled to God. Two, successful parenting must be taken seriously, and it's never too late to change. Never too late. Even if your kids are in their 50s, it is never too late to change.

Successful parenting has to be taken seriously. And finally, successful parenting involves a community, which is what we are. We're a community. So let's go to the first point. Let's go to 2 Corinthians 5 and verse 18. This might be an odd place to start, but stay with me here.

2 Corinthians 5 verse 18. A very famous passage about being ambassadors for Christ.

And in verse 18, it says, Now all things are of God, who has reconciled us to himself through Jesus Christ. So this is this relationship that we have with Jesus Christ. That's where it begins, right? We are growing into the image of Jesus Christ as we are reconciled to God, as we are following His ways. It says in Ephesians 4, Walk worthy of the calling with which you were called. That walk worthy means that our response to grace is that we follow His laws.

And so we are reconciled to Him through Jesus Christ and has given us the ministry of reconciliation. We are to be reconciled to God and to one another. That is, it says in verse 19, That God was in Christ, reconciling the world to Himself, not imputing their trespasses to them, and has committed to us the word of reconciliation. Therefore, we are ambassadors for Christ, as though God were pleading through us.

We implore you in Christ's behalf, be reconciled to God. He's imploring them. Be reconciled to God. This is what God is doing. He is reconciling the world through Jesus Christ to Himself. Therefore, we'll model that as ambassadors in this present age and be reconciled to God. For He made Him who knew no sin to be sin for us, that we might become the righteousness of God in Him. It begins with a reconciliation with God. Biblically-based parenting must start with a parent's individual relationship with Jesus Christ and God the Father. When the parent is secure in his relationship with Jesus Christ, then and only then can he begin to allow the child to feel secure in the relationship with the parent.

Children have this incredible hypocrisy meter. They can smell hypocrisy a mile away. If you say, Be good, Johnny! He looks at you like, Yeah? Look at you! I'm sorry! That's what they say. There's a role-modeling that has to go on. So, you know, if you curse, guess what? Your kids are probably going to curse. If you go out, if you don't have self-control, if you don't manage your life, your kids are going to see that. And it doesn't matter what you say to your kids. It doesn't matter.

You can be preaching right out of this. They're going to look at your example, and that's what they're going to follow. Children will pick up on any hypocrisy, tension, double standard going on at home. There's no sense that a parent is attempting to hide this. We are who we are. So, we have to be striving to be reconciled to Jesus Christ, to be role-modeling that behavior to them. We're in that relationship. That's where it all comes from. Look at Philippians 2. Philippians 2, verse 3. So, we're role-modeling to our children a life of self-examination, of humility, of love, of self-control, of working on our anger issues, of taking our lives seriously, not letting this world's way of thinking creep into our way of thinking.

And as we're doing that, we're putting others first. That's what Philippians 2, verse 3 says. Philippians 2, verse 3. Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. And it begins at home. So, we're esteeming our children above our needs. Yeah, but see, we're working for the promotion. Because we need that promotion because we need the money. And we need the money to take care of our kids. Well, yeah, there could be some of that. A lot of times we need that promotion for our own self aggrandizement and ego and pride. We don't need it for our kids. So, sometimes we have to make decisions about our jobs and how much time we're going to spend in our jobs.

Because if we spend too much time in our jobs, then we're not going to be spending time with our kids. And then we're not going to have the benefit of actually instructing our kids. So, whatever great role model we might be, they're never going to see us because we're not going to be there enough to be next to them. So, we're putting our kids ahead of our own interests. Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others. So, it starts with our families.

And it starts with the husband-wife relationship. And we'll get to single parents here a little bit later. But it starts with that husband-wife relationship. So, when the husband and wife are role modeling this, one to another, the children see that role model and they behave accordingly. And if the husband is not treating his wife properly, then guess what? The kids learn, especially the young men, learn how to treat their wives based upon the role model that they see at home.

Oh, that's how you get her to quit nagging. You see, you walk away from her. Or you scream at her. Or you ignore her. Or you get pouty and you walk away. Or you get in the car and you drive away because you need some space. See, all that is being role modeled for that young man. And then that young man learns that behavior and takes that behavior with him as he goes on in life.

If we let our own personal desires and interests interfere with that responsibility, we are denying the very scriptures that we say we live by. In that sense, successful parenting is an indicator of our spiritual condition. Wow, that's pretty scary. Now that's not to say that if our children suffer from anxiety or they make mad decisions and so forth, that we, you know, that we're not going to be in the kingdom. I'm not saying that. You can look in the Bible. Let's take Samuel, for example. Samuel had a problem with his kids, okay? Let's just take a quick look over at Samuel. Let's see. I think that's 1 Samuel. And I thought I had written down here and then I didn't.

1 Samuel 8.

1 Samuel 8. Okay. So, I'm not going to try and compare myself with Samuel, okay, because he's a spiritual giant. Alright? So, I mean, let's just get that straight. Samuel was a man of God. Samuel did things that none of us could imagine doing. So, Samuel was a man of God. But look at 1 Samuel 8 and verse 3.

But his sons, talking about Samuel, now his sons did not walk in his ways. They turned aside after dishonest gain, took bribes, and perverted justice. Alright, those are Samuel's kids. Alright, so let's just make it clear. You can be a man of God and your kids don't necessarily have to be perfect. Alright? So we can see that right here. But look just a little bit up in 1 Samuel 7 and verse 16. And I want to talk to Samuel about this because I really... This is something I want to ask him. Verse 15, actually.

1 Samuel 7 verse 15. So Samuel judged Israel all the days of his life. And verse 16, he went from year to year on a circuit. From Bethel, Gilgal, and Mitzvah, and judged Israel in all those places. Guess what? Dad was traveling. Okay?

Dad was on the road a lot. So, he was on a circuit. He was traveling a lot. Was he home instructing his kids? I don't know. I want to ask him. I want to say, Samuel, what could you have done better as a parent? Was this traveling an issue for you? Were you really there for your kids? You know, would you wish... If you had to do it over again, would you have traveled as much between Gilgal and Bethel and Mitzvah?

That's what I want to ask him because that's what we face as dads and moms about what we do. So, the Bible shows that Samuel, David... Hey, David had a lot of problems in his family, okay? So, and again, I don't want to attain to that level. So, Samuel, David, had children who rejected God.

These men were spiritual giants. However, David's sins early in his life certainly had an impact on his family. And I read this case here in this example, this little hint in 1 Samuel 7, that maybe Samuel was traveling a lot. We don't know. We know that God does not visit the sins of the fathers on the children. You can look that up in Ezekiel 18. We're not going to take the time to look there. Nonetheless, our children are a reflection of our spiritual condition. And that's why it is so important that we get this right in the beginning.

Because often we're young parents, right? And we're struggling with our own issues, and those issues can come out with our children. And that's also not to say, by the way, that people don't have the same belief structure. I work with a lot of people who are Muslim, who are Hindu, and they have great kids, right? So we can't make those connections.

However, societally, if we go back to this magazine here, this is a societal issue. It's affecting everybody. There's anxiety, there's depression, there's violence. And, as we know, we've got cycles of poverty, income inequality. We have racial issues in this country. We have all sorts of issues right now that we're facing with Black Lives Matter, and Black Lives Matter, and police brutality. These are endemic issues in our society that have to be addressed, and they have to be addressed starting with us, individually. And so, as we think about these, as we consider a framework for what is revealed in Scripture, we have a framework to teach our children.

From the book of Genesis, about the choice that Adam and Eve made between the two trees, that's what we're living. We talk about the knowledge of the tree of good and evil. So, this tree, this tree of the knowledge of good and evil, it's about good and it's about evil. There's good in the world. There are parents that raise children that turn out okay, there's good in the world, but there's also evil in the world.

So, we don't want to be taking of that tree, we want to be taking of the tree of life, which comes from God's Word. Parents, especially, if they follow certain biblical principles, whether knowingly or unknowingly, will be rewarded. I read that in the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation report. There's basic principles that come right out of Scripture that if you follow, people will be blessed.

If we desire to bring our children up into the knowledge and relationship with Jesus Christ and God the Father, so they'll understand their purpose in life, we are going to be taking this to another level. We should be able to address these issues of anxiety, of depression, and these little children that we blessed here earlier, these children do not have to be condemned to that societal framework of depression and anxiety about their future.

Look over in James 2, verse 14. James 2, verse 14. We're really swimming upstream in our society. There are so many pressures and so many things out there, so many different ways of thinking about these things, and this is where we need to go to the book. Let's use the book as the framework, and then from that we can judge everything else. James 2, verse 14 says, And these works I'm talking about now are works of parenting. These are actual works.

These are things that we're going to do to live God's Word and to raise our children according to His Word. Can faith save Him? Can faith save Him? If a brother and sister is naked in destitute of daily food, and one of you says to them, Depart in peace, be warmed and filled, but you do not give them the things which are needed for the body. What does it profit? And what I would say was, what does it profit if we speak right out of the Word of God to our children, and then we say, I've got to go.

I've got a dinner engagement. I'm sorry, you know, please don't watch that channel on the television. And remember, your Internet time is only a couple hours each night, and goodbye. Right? I mean, you've got to actually be there to supervise and to set rules.

Verse 17, Thus also faith by itself, if it does not have works, is dead. But someone will say, you have faith and I have works. Show me your faith without your works, and I will show you my faith by my works. You believe that there is one God. You do well. Even the demons believe and tremble. But do you want to know, O foolish man, that faith without works is dead? So it's great to be able to talk all these things.

We talk in church, and read the Bible, and I pray, and do all these things. But we have to take it down to a very practical level with our children. It's a very practical level. There are rules at home. There's a bedtime. There's screen time. There's types of food that you eat. There's people you can hang out with and not hang out with.

There's times you have to be home, and there's times you shouldn't be out. There's a time when it comes to drive a car, and there's a time when you don't drive a car. And maybe someone's not ready to drive a car. There's a whole set of very practical things. And as a parent, we have to actually do those things. And we just can't sit there and say, I love my children. I love my children. I do. I love them. What do you do? I just love them. Yeah?

Tell me more about that. You have to have some works that go with that faith. Was Abraham, our father, justified by works when he offered Isaac his son on the altar? Do you see that faith was working together with his works, and by works, faith was made perfect?

And the Scripture was fulfilled, which says, Abraham believed God, and it was accounted to him for righteousness. And he was called the Friend of God. You see, then, that a man is justified by works and not by faith only. That is quite a controversial Scripture, isn't it? So, I want to apply that here, that we think about this. So, the children are going to observe the relationship at home between the husband and the wife, and they're going to learn good and bad behavior based upon that.

They're going to learn based on the rules and the boundaries that are given to them at home. We can't even begin to open our mouth, correct, lead, or guide our children, or help a young person until we've reconciled ourselves to God the Father and Jesus Christ and have God's Spirit working in us to actually begin this proper set of rules and conditions that we're going to put out there. Look over in Deuteronomy 6.

We read this earlier. I want to expand on this just a little bit. Deuteronomy 6. And this is interesting because in God's church, we used to have a whole bunch of different programs. We had all these different programs, and what we learned after all these years is you can have all the programs in the world, but you've got to start by empowering the parents to teach their children. You can't have the church be teaching their children.

The church can't take the place of the parents. So we go to Deuteronomy 6, which is this pivotal instruction. And we often go to verse 7, where it says, And that gets to what we're talking about. But what is this? So let's go to verse 1 to get the this. Now this is the commandment. And these are the statutes and judgments which the Lord your God has commanded to teach you that you may observe them in the land which you are crossing over to possess.

And what is he talking about? Well, he's talking about in chapter 5. He just went through the Ten Commandments. He went through and he rehearsed the Ten Commandments. And he says, these are the commandments.

And then, of course, there's these statutes and these judgments and these various other instructions that he's given previously. Verse 2, that you may fear the Lord your God to keep all his statutes and his commandments, which I command you, you and your son and your grandson all the days of your life that your days may be prolonged. Therefore, hear, O Israel, and be careful to observe it, that it may be well with you, and that you may multiply greatly as the Lord your God of your fathers has promised you a land flowing with milk and honey. Hear, O Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is one.

You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your might. And these words which I command you today shall be in your heart. And then you get to teach your children. See, it starts with being reconciled to God. It starts with these words that are listed here in verse 5. And it should remind you of what Jesus Christ said to the Pharisees.

He was quoting this. You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your might. And then you can begin to teach your children. It has to start with this. It has to start with understanding God's law and understanding how these things work. So, point number one.

We have to be reconciled to God before we can be successfully parenting and dealing with these issues that we see in our society. Point number two. We have to take parenting seriously. Seriously. Now, I've already quoted Proverbs 22 verse 5, but let me quote it again. Train up a child in the way that he should go.

What does this mean? What does this mean? Look over in Ephesians 6 verse 4. We'll get some indications of what this means. Ephesians 6 and verse 4.

And you, fathers, this is talking to fathers out there, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord. See, for men, it's really easy to let people get under our skin, right? Like, we want to fix things. We want to solve things. So, our kids, they're, you know, he's messing up. We've got to kind of toe the line. And so, then we end up kind of, you know, poking. We poke the bear, right? And we're not supposed to provoke our children. So, how do we not do that? Let's look over at Titus 2. Titus 2 verse 1. Again, we're just kind of touching on these principles. We're going to have to tie them all together here.

Titus, right after Timothy, Titus 2 and verse 1.

But as for you, speak the things which are proper for sound doctrine. So, he's talking to Titus, and he's saying, speak these things for sound doctrine. That the older men be sober, reverent, temperant, sound in faith, in love, and in patience. This is the example of the community, okay? This is what we're all supposed to be doing as a community of believers in the church. The older women, verse 3, likewise, that they may be reverent in behavior, not slanders, not given too much wine. Teachers of good things are supposed to be teachers of good things. That they admonish the young women to love their husbands and to love their children. See, older women are to admonish the younger women to love their husbands and love their children. To be discreet, chaste, homemaker's good, obedient to their own husbands, that the Word of God may not be blasphemed. So, this is an example here. We're supposed to be showing love towards our children. How do we show love? What's the right way to show love to our children? Look over in Colossians 3. Colossians 3, verse 21.

It says, fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged. That's really interesting, because that's what Time Magazine is talking about. It's talking about a discouragement. Children become discouraged. What am I going to do? It's so hard to get a job. If so-and-so looks so good on Facebook, I'll never look as good as that person. That person's so witty when they tweet those things. I could never do that as good. At school, I don't dress like the other kids.

You just get this discouragement, right? That's what kids are. Kids are discouraged. It says here, to not provoke children, that become discouraged, because we're sometimes so hard. Oh, you've got to do this. Why aren't your grades better? Why aren't you doing this and that and so forth? We have all these little indications of things that we should do. As I said, in the Church of God, we had various youth programs that we've tried over the years. We had Youth Opportunities United.

That was a big youth program that I was part of. That was very exciting. In fact, we had even cards then. It was like a little credit card and it had my name on it. Remember that? It had my name and number. I'm like a real person. I'm part of Youth Opportunities United.

I'm 12 years old. We had the Summer Educational Program. That was an amazing program. We put a thousand kids through this program in the summer. Three sessions, three weeks each. Water skiing, canoeing in the wilderness, and incredible basketball tournaments, and all these types of things. We used to have a church bus when I grew up in the church. We had this church bus, big yellow church bus. We'd drive to Amarillo. It's pronounced Am-r-illa. It's not Amarillo. It's Am-r-illa. That was about 200 miles.

There was a basketball tournament there. We were in the parking lot. All these church buses. We had that. We had youth educational services. We have United youth camps today. All these programs provided incredible opportunities for young people. I had a chance to go to Australia and work at the summer camp there. Unbelievable opportunities. But I can clearly say from personal experience that none of those made up for poor family relationships. You know, I remember being younger and it's like, oh, we've got to get this young person to camp.

If we can get this young person to camp for a week, they're going to see an incredible example at camp. They're going to be so happy. They're going to get positive reinforcement. They have dorm parents helping. They're going to be praying. I mean, camp is amazing, right? If you can have a chance to participate in some way, right? And when you stand in the dorm and you get the kids in the circle and they hold hands and they pray, you know, I mean, it's just amazing.

And then after a week, that person goes back into that family relationship and it's like it just disappears. Because all of those years just overwhelm that. There's nothing that the church can do. And those statistics show this, that can overcome that family relationship. But it's not just the family, it's the community. Because that child may go to camp once in a year, but they're going to come to church probably every week.

And they're going to be with you. And they're going to see you. And your example. And how you treat one another. And how you interact with that person. More than 10 years ago, many parents in the San Jose congregation of the United Church of God participated in a program called Growing Kids God's Way. Anybody participate in that program? Any hands there?

A few. Okay. Yeah. So, when I first heard about the Growing Kids God's Way program, they said, okay, it's going to be 18 sessions. Three hours per session. Like, wow! That's a lot of time!

18 sessions! And it's a commitment. So once you start, you can't stop. You have to go. And so we had a group of people. And then I realized, okay, 50 hours of classroom training on parenting is a huge commitment. But then I thought, well, you know, I'm a CPA. I have to have 40 hours of professional, continuing professional education every year. So if I need 40 hours a year to figure out how you're going to book some sort of real estate transaction, surely 50 hours of training isn't so much to be able to learn how to actually parent.

Right? Because in actual fact, studies will show that we parent the way that we were parented. And a lot of parents don't actually think about the fact that they really have no idea how to parent. They really don't. They're like, oh, I don't have a parent. I saw my kid. My parents weren't too bad. I'll parent just like them. And sometimes, you know, the parents aren't too bad. But the fact is, if we're going to take parenting seriously, if we're going to say, well, how do I not provoke my children?

How do I actually love my children? How do I actually do some of these things? We actually need some real training. We actually really need to understand how we do this. I want to read to you the titles of these different lessons to give you an idea. Now, this would be three hours of discussion on each topic. Law, principle, and freedom. Those are big topics. Three hours to talk about law, principle, and freedom.

Right beginnings. How to say, I love you. Yeah, we might need a three-hour class on how to say, I love you. Because often, we don't know how to really say that in the right way. Because that's a pretty complicated thing. How people receive and give love is very complicated. The father's mandate. Your child's moral conscience. Authority and parents. Age and peers. Property and nature. Principles of obedience. Elements of discipline. Guidelines for chastisement. Repentance, forgiveness, and restoration. Discipline issues. Teenage rebellion and parental rejection. Letting go of our children. And cultural spanking therapies. Or theories, I should say. Although, maybe we do need some therapies.

I needed some therapies. It's going to hurt you. You know that one, right? It's going to hurt you way more than me. Oh, yeah. I don't believe that. In short, you get the idea. If we're going to take parenting seriously, we actually need to go figure out how to parent. We actually need to go get some training on this. So if we're parents, I encourage you to do this. It's been ten years since we ran this program.

I'm hoping that we can run this program here in Oakland. For our parents. And if we can't run it here, then I would encourage each of you as parents to go find a program. There's lots of programs online. And lots of good programs out there. Focus on the Family has some good programs. This is what was done called Growing Kids God's Way. Good, biblically based parenting programs. And again, yeah, they don't get all the theology right. We'll disagree with some of the theology. But some basic parenting principles are there. You wouldn't go to a doctor who wasn't trained to actually take care of you.

You wouldn't take your car to a mechanic who wasn't experienced on working cars. But we'll gladly parent our children with no training. No class, no book, no communication, right? Why is that? Well, because we don't think about it. I've often thought it would be great to have camp for parents. Right? Instead of sending our kids off to summer camp, let's send the parents off to summer camp. And have them spend a week learning how to be parents. That actually might be more effective.

Now, it's not as much fun for the kids. The kids want to actually go do the water skiing and other things like that, right? Now, this is, as I said, just one program. And we may self-judge that we're doing okay as parents. We may think we're doing fine. But there's one thing that I've learned in life, is that we are prisoners of our own experience. And that's one thing that I've learned. So, we don't realize that our experience, the amount of experience we have, this is what we operate in.

And some of us have some amount of experience, another amount of experience. And as you get older, you get more experience, right? But we're prisoners of our own experience, and we may not even know what we don't know. And that's the worst part, is when we're blinded to that. We may determine that the behavior of our kids is reasonable, our kids are doing fine. And yet, we don't realize that, well, you know, this one who's acting out, well, that's how they're processing the challenges in their life. And this one that's really quiet, well, they're just processing it internally. But it's the same thing going on in their head.

They're just acting out in different ways. We may not be equipped to actually reach their heart. Each child is different, and so we need to modulate our style and our approach. We may think that we don't need to disappoint a child when, in fact, we may need to. Oh, they're doing just fine. Well, no, actually, they're just a little bit more conniving, a little bit more manipulative, a little bit more devious about how they do that. And you need to kind of get that out. It's never too late to take parenting seriously. So many times, divorce, abuse, or tensions in a marriage will disrupt the normal parenting process.

And when this occurs, it sets in motion a destructive cycle that can go unchecked for years. But that doesn't mean it's too late. The majority of people I know, whether in or out of God's church, come from some form of dysfunctional home. I've just kind of come to that conclusion, right? I mean, a normal childhood, I don't know what that means anymore.

Every childhood is just going to be a little bit different, depending where they come from. And so God in His mercy has called us all into His church and has given us an opportunity for a fresh beginning. He's wiped away our sins. And so wherever we are in that process, we have an opportunity to start fresh and to begin the process of a healing heart. Now, there's a lot of different places we could go here. But let's look over in Matthew 20 and verse 20.

This is a mom, and she wants something for her kids. We all want something for our kids. Let's see what this mom wanted for her kids. When the mother of Zebedee's sons came to Him with her sons kneeling down and asking something from Him, and He said to her, What do you wish? And she said to Him, Grant, these sons of mine may sit one on your right hand and one on your left in your kingdom. So here's an example of a parent who wanted her children to have a high position in office. Was this request about the child or about her?

You wonder. So did those two guys put her up to it? I'd be kind of embarrassed, actually. Like, Mom wants you to do that, right? But sometimes we have those feelings, and we can come from that position. Children may sort of just go along with what their parents want. We can't live our lives through our children. So maybe this was going to be a great way for that mom to feel a little bit better about herself because her children were going to be in a great position.

And when we realize that as parents, it's not about us, but it's about our kids, we begin to focus on their needs and less on our own needs. Sometimes we may want our kids to act a certain way or be a certain way. We don't want our kids to embarrass us in church or something, right? We don't want our kids to embarrass us at the store because they're acting out. Well, if we're thinking that way, we're thinking about ourselves. And we're not taking this parenting seriously in the way that we need to be taking it.

When we begin to study about the process of parenting, about the Scriptures, we can begin to evaluate how parenting should be. Let's look at Proverbs 6 and verse 20. Again, we all come at parenting from different angles, right? So without realizing it, sometimes we can end up trying to satisfy our own needs through our kids.

And then our parenting becomes about us and not about our kids. Proverbs 6 and in verse 20, My son, keep your father's command. So fathers should have commands. They should be rules in the house. And do not forsake the law of your mother. Isn't that interesting? We talk about the law of God. Have you ever heard of the law of your mother? I'm following the law of my mother. It's a law.

It's in the Bible. The law of your mother. Okay, well, you know, and if you're a mom, what are your laws? You know, what are they? Have you written them down? Do your kids know what they are? I can't do that. My mom.

My mom would kill me. I mean, that's the law of your mother, right? But there's your father's commands and there's the law of your mother. It's right in here. Bind them continually upon your heart.

Tie them around your neck. When you roam, they will lead you. When you sleep, they will keep you. And when you awake, they will speak with you. Isn't that interesting? That is where you've really gotten to a child and you've got into their heart, right? They know that you love them so much that those commands and those laws, you're going to take them everywhere you go. And they're going to remind you, and you're going to go, oh, yeah, actually, my dad was here. He would say that. My mom was here. She would say that.

Yeah, I'm not going to do that. They're going to keep you. And then it says, for the commandment is a lamp and the law is light. Reproofs of instruction are the way of life. This is the Father's command. Here's a clear instruction that parents give to their children. Again, how do we take this seriously? How do we get to that point? At this point, if you're a parent, you should be going, how can I do this?

How can I take this seriously? How do I figure out how to reach my children like this? That they're going to remember my commands and my laws, and they're going to take them with them everywhere they go, and those things are going to be spoken to them as if I'm not even there. They're going to remember those things. We should be wanting to get to that. Let me just give you a few things that you can take with you here. It's important to have quiet, safe time to share your values with your children.

Quiet, safe time to share values with your children. When are you going to do that? See, when are your kids going to be listening? If you say, come here, I've got to tell you something. Your kids are like this. That's not a safe time. Your kids are like, okay, I did something wrong. A safe time is dinner time. That's a great safe time. A safe time is bedtime. That's a great safe time. Bath time is a great safe time. Friday night Bible studies, Friday night dinners, great safe time. Saturday morning before church, great safe time. Although, if they're older, they're going to be sleeping. So don't disturb them, because that's bad. But you've got to find quiet, safe time.

Friday evening, Sabbath mornings. Going to the movies is fine, as long as you use the time before and after. Going out for activities. Again, as long as those activities are spent talking, one to another. That's when they're going to begin to internalize who we are. Turn over to Proverbs 4. It's just one verse over. Proverbs 4 verse 23. What we're talking about getting to is the heart. Proverbs 4 verse 23.

Keep your heart with all diligence, for out of it, spring the issues of life. We have got to get to the issues of the heart with our kids. And guess what? If we haven't gotten to the issues of our own heart, we're not going to be able to get to our kids' heart. If we haven't explored and plumbed the depths of our own heart, in terms of where we are in this walk in life, with our own set of issues, we're never going to get to our kids.

Because we're inviting our kids in to our lives. It's important to have that quiet time. More important than attending church. Ooh! Did I just say that? Yes, you have to come to church. I say you didn't come to church. But you know, a lot of people say, we've got to rush out the door here.

We can be all activity-based, all transaction-based, all trying to achieve some sort of something. Let's just sit down and have some time to talk about issues of the heart. We've got to be paying attention to our children's hearts. Sometimes we want to get them dressed to get out the door to church, and they're having an existential crisis at that moment. Maybe you've got to pause for a moment and deal with the existential crisis in your three-year-old.

For you, it's not a crisis. It's going to pass. By that night, it will be over. But for them, it's the most important thing in the world, pausing for a moment to do that. Don't children have a burgeoning relationship with God? How are they going to have that? This is the core. This is getting to the issues of justice, mercy, and faith. You know that famous Scripture, right? Matthew 23, 23. Look over there for a second.

Matthew 23, verse 23. This is a really important point that Jesus makes over and over again. Matthew 23, verse 23. Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites, for you pay tithe of men, annas, and kommen, and have neglected the weightier matters of the law, justice, mercy, and faith. This is how we have to parent. We have to look at those bigger issues of justice and mercy and faith. We have to be bonding with our children and getting to those issues of the heart. Look over in Proverbs 1, verse 8. We're going to see this one more time, just in case you didn't get it.

Proverbs 1, verse 8. My son, hear the instruction of your father, and do not forsake the law of your mother. It's in there twice. Parents have to give instruction to their children according to sound principles, biblically based, thoughtfully considered by people generally smarter than we are, who have actually thought about these things, maybe even gone to school on some of these things, maybe even written books on some of these things, about how we get these principles out. And in our modern society, without these boundaries, our kids are going to become nervous. They're going to become anxious. There's a very interesting study where they put kids out in a field, a playground, next to school. And these kids all played, and they played all in the middle of the field. They didn't play around, around the field, just all in the middle. Then you put a fence up around the field, and suddenly the entire field they're playing in, because they know where the boundaries are. They don't have to worry about going off over the boundary. So you tell these kids, go out and play in the field, but be careful out there. Don't run off over on the side and so forth. They don't know where the boundary is, so they're going to create this very, very small little world in which they're going to play. And their world can be way much bigger if you tell them where the boundaries are.

We've got to set those boundaries for our children. Parents can come across as nagging, but mostly their children, it's issues when their children have not internalized those things. And if we find that we're nagging, we're probably not spending enough quiet time with our kids. Look over in Proverbs 31, 27.

Proverbs 31, verse 27.

Speaking of this Proverbs 31 woman, she watches over the ways of her household. She watches over. She's aware of what's going on in her household. If there's kids, if there's three or four children, how they're getting along, how they're interacting, you know, how fairness is being treated, she's watching over the ways of her household. And does not eat the bread of idleness. Her children rise up and call her blessed, and her husband also, and he praises her. These are these sort of things that we see. Look over in Proverbs 23, verse 13.

Proverbs 23, verse 13. Do not withhold correction from a child, for if you beat him with a rod, he will not die. You shall beat him with a rod and deliver his soul from hell. You know what this says, right? Beat the hell out of them. That's what this says, right? Like, his hell is in there, and you're going to beat it out. You shall beat him with a rod and deliver his soul from hell.

Okay, so this is very controversial, right? Spanking therapies, spanking theories. So, there is a role for what's called corporal punishment. How is it administered? Well, if you spend three hours in a class, you might find out. And in fact, in that class, what I found interesting was that there was about a 10-hour lead-up to that class on spanking theories. So, discipline, obedience, love, tenderness, and so forth. But there is a role for that. How is it administered? How do you actually appropriately use corporal punishment with your children? When do you stop using it? How frequently should you use it? When you're doing it, how many swats should you give? These are really important questions that we should not be coming up with on our own at the moment. He thinks he needs one more. That's not the time to make that decision. The time to make that decision is long before. In consultation, hopefully with your wife or with your husband, depending on who is doing it. You know those decisions in advance. This is where you're taking it seriously because you know you've got a lot of important decisions to be made. Look over at Proverbs 13, verse 24.

Let me see this as well. Proverbs 13, verse 24. He who spares his rod hates his son. That's pretty serious. And he who loves him disciplines him properly. So, there's a proper way to discipline and an improper way to discipline. And you don't have a lot of chances to mess this up. If you mess this up, you create scarring for your children and you create walls between you and your children that will take years to overcome. Don't mess this up. So, even if you don't have children, you're thinking about having children, start studying this now. You're going to need time to get this right. Don't mess this up. There's a way to do this properly. This is the whole point. We have to take this seriously. We have to discipline our children early. That is, we have to start right away and we have to stay with it. And we have to understand what discipline means. So, I've given you some ideas and thoughts in here. Again, in 50 minutes, I'm not going to condense 50 hours of parenting training. The point is to sufficiently worry every parent out there and every would-be parent that there are principles in this book that require extensive discussion, extensive study, and lots of thought. And it's something to take seriously. And if it's done right, beautiful things come of that. Let's go to the third point. Community is important in supporting parents. Look over in Mark 10 and verse 29. Mark 10.

Get over there. And verse 29. So Jesus answered and said, Jesus is talking about the fact that sometimes we may have to step away from our own families. Now, we don't separate families. Family is very important. But sometimes family environments can be toxic. I came from a toxic family environment. My mother had to leave. She literally had to leave the state of California and go to another state because certain members of my family were involved with things that were not good.

So sometimes you have to leave those things. So Jesus promises us a hundredfold of houses and brothers and sisters and mothers and children and lands and all these things. So we're in a body of believers. We're in a community. No, it's not our physical family, but it is a type of family. And that type of family can support, and we can support one another. There is a community that He promises. And if you're not a parent, you can act as a support to a parent. It's important that young people receive hard messages, not just from their parents, but from others.

And being able to develop those kinds of relationships is an important part of our role. It doesn't come. You just don't walk up to a child and say, hey, quit running. I mean, yeah, maybe the child shouldn't be running. That's fine. But what kind of relationship have you developed with that child? That you can begin to say those things. Have you worked on that relationship? And this is especially important for single moms and fathers who don't have the benefit of the two-parent family.

Being a parent is hard, and being a single parent, frankly, is completely overwhelming. There's no other way to describe it. There's a lot of different community organizations out there that can help, and we should be one of them. My mother got me involved in the Big Brother program after my dad left us. And that person was very nice. But frankly, I couldn't relate to that person. He took me to a baseball game, and I went to his house, and we did certain things. I could never really relate to that person. But shortly after I got involved with the Big Brother program, there was this man at church.

He was about 30 years old, and I guess at the time I was probably 12 or so. And he started doing things with me. Now, at that time, there was this thing called video games. You probably never heard of those. Kids like those. And back then we didn't have them at home, so you had to actually go someplace to play them. And you had to put quarters. I mean, I know kids don't know this now, but you put a quarter in, and then you could play.

And he liked to play video games, and he would take me, and we would play video games. But you know what happened was it was a conversation before, and it was a conversation after, and then it was dinner, and then it was why don't you come over. And he and his wife, they hadn't had kids yet, and they basically took me under their wing. And I so cherished those times. And it was only for about maybe three years.

So three years of my life. I've been around longer than three years. And those three years, I cherish those three years. Those were three very, very special years for me. And so you can make a difference, even in a short period of time, for a child that will stay with them for the rest of their life. Don't underestimate the contribution you can make in a young person's life if you're willing to take just a little bit of time to spend with them.

As a parent, we often think that imparting skills and giving our children opportunities to learn things like an instrument, or being recognized and so forth, is good. But, you know, exposing them to positive role models, that's just as important. Because that's what's going to inspire. That's what's going to uplift. And those are going to create other touch points in their life besides you.

And if you create those right touch points, those touch points are going to reinforce the same messages that you're giving at home. Teachers, coaches, this person in church who said, hey, let's go, you know, come and pick me up at, you know, five o'clock and we go play video games for, you know, for an hour and then take me out to dinner or something. Those people begin to reinforce. And then those people become people that our children can go to as well.

Sharing your time, resources, and perspectives by just doing things together contributes to healthy development. Look over in James 1, verse 27. This is actually in the Bible, believe it or not. I'm not just making this up. James 1, verse 27. Again, James talks about works and things that we'll be doing and can do. James 1, verse 27 says, pure and undefiled religion before God and the Father is this, to visit orphans and widows in their trouble and to keep oneself unspotted from the world. Now, you probably didn't think about taking a kid out to play video games as visiting an orphan, did you?

But that's visiting an orphan. That's what that is. You literally are going to visit. You go to their house and you visit with them and maybe you take them to dinner or maybe you take them to a baseball game or maybe you take them on a hike. You are visiting them and you know that widow, right? And we have a lot of widows, a lot of spiritual widows. We have a lot of single parents. Those widows really appreciate that. That's a really, really big help. And so you are visiting the widow when you do that as well. That's a way that we who are not parents, or maybe as parents our kids are grown and we are not parenting in the same way, we can contribute and help others.

Now, I gave you an example of a single parent here. And if you are parents, I'm sure you don't want everybody walking up saying, you know, okay, how can I help you?

So, again, that goes back to relationships, right? And it's no fun having other people tell you how to parent your kids. That is really, really irritating. But there are still things that you can do. And it goes back to building those relationships. You know, one of the things when we asked, we actually had a group of young adults over, my wife and I had over to our home, and we asked them a series of questions about being young adults in the congregation and so forth. And one of the things we talked about was mentoring, and we talked about relationship building. And, you know, it's really important to build relationships one with another in this congregation. And that means the kids, too. Right? That means stopping. And, you know, maybe you've got to get down to that level and just talk to them and just listen to them. And guess what? They're going to grow up. And you're going to see them grow. And as they grow, you're going to develop that relationship over time because you're going to remember, oh yeah, I remember when you were in kindergarten and you told me about the painting that you made. And I remember when you were in the first grade and you told me about how, you know, so-and-so, you know, hit you on the head and you hit them back and I told you that wasn't a good idea. Right? You're going to, yeah, those things. And so it starts. It doesn't start with, oh wow, you're 15. Wow, what happened?

It doesn't start there. You missed 15 years of supporting the community. These are the ways that we can help. You know, I, giving a message like this is actually extremely humbling because it involves a very complex set of interactions and experiences.

I gave this message as a young person with young kids. I gave it with kids that were at home and now I give it with kids who are moved out. And I'll tell you that at every stage this message is different. And it will be different for you as parents. And I hope at a minimum I've raised some awareness of this subject and I challenge you to action, each of you, whether you're parents or not parents. No matter where we are in life, we can contribute to the positive development of our young people. Our young people don't need to be anxious. They don't need to be depressed. They don't need to be worried about whether they're going to get a job or not get a job. God is our Father. He has guided our lives and He will guide their lives. And they need that encouragement. They need that reinforcement. And it comes with building a relationship and it comes from, as I said, being reconciled to God, taking parenting seriously and recognizing that we all have a role to play. We have a role to play. With God's help and guidance, we can start or restart our parenting lives. And we can get ourselves and our families where we need to be.

Proverbs 10, verse 1. Let's look over in Proverbs 10, verse 1 to close.

Proverbs 10, verse 1. A wise son makes a glad father, but a foolish son is a grief to his mother. You know, I think we're all going to experience a little bit of this as parents. Don't be discouraged. Sometimes we may be with a little bit of grief, but there are other times when we're going to be glad and we just never need to give up. As soon as we give up, that's when we lose. So stay focused. Recognize that it is a community involvement, it is a community project, as it were. But it starts with being reconciled to God and taking it seriously. And I hope I've raised that awareness with you today.