Do Your Apologies Hurt or Heal?

Brethren, the last time somebody came to you and apologized for what they had done, what did you think of their apology? Was their apology something that helped you heal, or was their apology something that hurt you even worse? Did you find yourself in a hole? Did you find yourself wishing they had never opened their mouth when they offered a quote-unquote apology? As you're aware, a couple of weeks ago, I asked for your assistance, your help, in determining material for the midweek Bible studies at San Delphi, emailing Wednesdays.

I was surprised. Last week we had a fairly sobering sermon about how a Christian prepares for the end of the age. Very sobering message. This is kind of going in a little different direction, but a number of you asked about how people should give apologies. What's the right way to give an apology? And there is a right way and a wrong way to do this. When you've offended somebody, whether it was intentional or not, a sincere apology can help for healing. An insincere apology makes the difference, the risk between you and that person grow even further.

So again, I ask, when you think about the way people have apologized to you in the past, how has it come across? As I did my research on this subject, I found that the apologies I've offered over the years many times have been lacking. As we go through this, maybe you'll find that the apologies you've offered over the years have been lacking. So we're all in the same boat. Let's take a look at this step by step. And I want to ask you a question. If you'd like to take notes, you might want to write this across the top of your paper.

How does a Christian give a sincere apology? How do we do that? How does a Christian give a sincere apology? Now again, compared to last week's message when we're talking about doom and gloom and preparing for the end of the age and torturerings and all those sorts of lovely things, this may seem like a very tame subject. But you know something, brethren? I want you to think about this and think about this very carefully. We discussed last week a portion of Matthew 24, verses 9-13. I'm not going to turn there.

But in that section of Scripture, it talks about how Christians will be offended. Because they get offended, their hearts, their love will grow cold. And because their love grows cold, they betray one another and have other people killed. Now, you and I don't want to be the source of that for anybody in this room or any other room of God's people, or any people for that matter.

But if you and I don't know how to properly apologize, if we've hurt people and they are bearing the scars of the wounds we've inflicted on them and we've not done our part, then we may be unwittingly a culprit, assisting them, what we see there in Matthew 24. So this is an important subject. We want to know how to do this and do this properly. In 1970, there was a movie called Love Story. I don't know how many of you people have seen that story.

It starred Allie McGraw, a very young Allie McGraw, a very young Ryan O'Neill. A story about a young couple. They fall in love. They become a couple. I forget now whether they were married or not. I think they were married. And unfortunately, Allie McGraw finds that she, well, actually Ryan O'Neill finds that his wife has a terminal illness. And he's told by the medical staff not to tell her that she's dying and she's got a very short time to live.

The idea was just let her enjoy what she's got. Well, eventually she finds out and she's on her deathbed. And there's a discussion. And in the discussion, you know, and this line is a line that has moved forward from 1970 on.

Allie McGraw says, Love means never having to say you're sorry. Now, that line sold a lot of popcorn. Sold a lot of movie tickets. Very famous line, Love means never having to say you're sorry. The problem is that line is all wrong. When you love somebody and you're spending lots of time with that somebody, your mate, your children, because you're spending a lot of time with them, you or I, all of us, and because of human frailty being what it is, there are going to be plenty of times when we're going to need to say, I'm sorry.

But again, how do we do that? How do we do it properly? Why should we even consider apologizing? Let me give you some pointers here. That apologies benefit both the receiver of the apology and the giver of the apology. Let's take a look, firstly, at the benefits the receiver has. Let's turn, though, to a principle over here in Philippians 2.

Philippians 2, verses 3 and 4. Philippians 2, verses 3 and 4. What benefit does the receiver have when an apology is made to them? It leads to verse 3. Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit. And, brethren, one of the lessons we're going to learn is, for us to do well by doing good apology work, is we have to humble ourselves to do that. And that's certainly something I've said to you on a number of occasions, those of you who attend here in the Detroit area, that humility, I think, is one of the great building blocks of all Christendom. If we're going to be Christians, one of the great foundational stones is our humility before God. Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind, let each esteem others better than himself. Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others. So if you or I have hurt somebody, we need, as Christians, need to be looking out for their best interest. Now, when you make an apology, or I make an apology, the person who's harmed feels emotional healing taking place. Maybe a long way to go, but it's a start. It's a start for emotional healing when the wrongdoer acknowledges their error. Maybe their sin, depending upon the severity of the situation. Also, the apology helps the person who has been wronged to move past their anger. Anger can be like poison inside of us. We need to drain that anger. If we don't drain that anger, then we're going to be hurting ourselves both physically and spiritually. So there is that benefit. When we receive an apology, we also look at the other person who is making the apology. They're doing it effectively. We look at them differently. We look at them as a help. We don't look at them as a hindrance to our well-being. We're there to be a brother or sister to us. So those are benefits that the receiver gives. But how about if you're the one doing the apologizing? Do you benefit? Let's take a look at Matthew 22. We're going to look at broad pressibles here in the sermon today. Matthew 22. Matthew 22. Let's start in Matthew 22. Jesus said to him, You shall love your Lord your God with all of your heart and soul and mind. This is the first and great commandment. I want to zero on it in verse 39. The second is, like it, you shall love your neighbor as yourself. Throughout most of the years I've been in a church since the mid-60s, through most of the years in the church, when we take a look at verse 39, we talk about loving our neighbor, and correctly so. That's something we should talk about over and over again. But it's also true that Christ said that you can love yourself. Now, we're not talking about a love that's self-aggrandizing. We're not talking about a love that's out of proportion with what the rest of the Bible talks about. But we're talking about having a proper respect for the fact that we're one of God's children.

Okay, so there's benefit that we receive if we properly give an apology. One of those benefits is we begin to do something with our guilt. Let's say you've hurt somebody, and all of us in this room, haven't we all hurt somebody at some point? And maybe we've not been forthcoming with an apology. Maybe we didn't know how. Maybe it was too difficult. Maybe we couldn't find the words. Maybe we thought we'd make matters worse. It's so easy just to kind of put it on the shelf and forget about it. But when we do that, that has a debilitating effect upon us. We begin to feel remorse. We begin to feel shame. We begin to feel hurt. And as a result, sometimes we even back away from that person. We walk away. It's easier if I don't have to look them in the eye, knowing I've done X, Y, and Z to this person. It's easier for us, for me, not to even deal with them. So apologizing, properly apologizing, kills all of that. You know, we go to them. We do a proper apology. We're no longer walking away from my brother or sister or somebody else that we value, or anybody else, for that matter, that we have a need to interact with.

Another benefit for us as the giver of the Apology, as I said a moment ago, humility. It takes a great deal of humility to offer up a proper apology. To look somebody in the eye. To watch their face. To watch their body English. To watch how they are accepting that. To maybe see the tears coming down their cheeks. That takes some real guts to do that. But it also takes a great deal of humility to do that. And we as Christians, we need humility in great quantity, don't we?

And of course, there's one other benefit, and there are many, but these are just some ones I'm highlighting here. One of the benefits is that we, once we've had to do that, we don't want to do that again. So we're going to try our level best not to put ourselves in a position where we've so hurt somebody that we've got to make another one of those apologies. We just don't want to do that. So there's benefits for those who are receiving the apology, there are benefits for those who are getting the apology. Now I may mention a moment ago that there are pseudo-apologies. And as I looked at this list, I have a very short list here for you. I began to think, you know, I've been guilty of this one. Oh, I'm guilty of that one. No, hey! Doesn't hat trick here. I'm guilty of all three of these I'm about to bring to you. So I'm not giving this sermon as a result of, you know, all of you four sinners you. You know, you've all done wrong things and I've never done anything wrong in my life. Well, I've been your pastor since 1997 and you know better than that. But I have been guilty of all these and I need... as I always say, I give the sermon first to myself, then I give it to you. And as I gave this one to myself and said, boy, I've got some course corrections to make here.

Let's take a look again at another principle, James 5, verse 16.

James 5, verse 16.

Now, explicitly, this scripture is talking about healing, physical healing. Talking about calling for the elders of the church, the prayer of faith, people being healed physically. But, brethren, I would submit to you there's another layer of understanding here.

That is, many times people need healing mentally, they need healing emotionally, they need healing spiritually. I believe this principle we're about to read in James 5 covers that. James 5, verse 16. Where it says, confess your trespasses to one another and pray for one another that you may be healed.

So we confess, we confess our errors, our sins, our trespasses. And brethren, it's very important that we're confessing ours.

Because, as we're going to see in some of these pseudo-apologies, these pseudo-apologies want to turn a table and make the other guy, the one who actually was hurt, make them feel like somehow it was their fault.

So we want to confess our trespasses and pray that there might be a healing. So let's take a look at these three, and there's more than this, but these are just three that I wanted to cover with you. Here's a pseudo-apology. You tell yourself in your own heart and mind whether you've used this or not.

Quote, I'm sorry if I've offended you.

I see smiles in the room. I'm sorry if I offended you.

If?

You know, every word is important. Words make a difference. Words are like, you know, like a scalpel. A scalpel in the hand of a doctor is a life-saving thing.

A scalpel in anybody else's hand can be a very dangerous thing. The same thing is true with words. If you think this phrase, I'm sorry if I've offended you, here's where that isn't good. Two things. First, you're saying your apology is conditional. The word if.

Now, it would be different if the phrase was, I'm sorry that I offended you.

That's unconditional.

Why? I did it. No? I'm sorry if. So it's conditional, the way that's phrased. And secondly, I'm sorry if I offended you. Secondly, the person you're apologizing to, you're basically saying, well, you know what?

You're overreacting. You know? I'm a good guy. I'm lovable. Ask my wife. I'm lovable.

But you are overreacting. How dare you overreacting. So basically, you're turning tables on the person, and you're making them feel worse.

You're making them feel as though their feelings are not valid, and so forth.

Apologies need to give the unpainted, unvarnished truth. And you need to be in the first person.

You don't want to talk about, you don't want to use, you know, we or us or that sort of thing. It's me. It is I. I did specifically this. It hurt you.

And when we take that approach, then the person who's been hurt, they realize, you know, that person's an earnest.

And they're offering me the olive branch, and it can help with the healing.

Let's take a look at a second. Pseudo-apology.

Again, I'll look at faces here to see how much pater this strikes.

The second one here, I'm sorry you feel that way.

I'm sorry you feel that way.

Now, this doesn't do any apologizing for any mistakes. Rather, this implies there was no mistake. You just have mixed up feelings. You poor, mixed up soul.

No, you poor little thing. You. How dare you think such wrong thoughts. How dare you think I would do something? No. I'm sorry you feel that way. Basically, you're telling the person, you know, you've got no right to get your nose out of joint.

Third, pseudo-apology.

I'm sorry you misunderstood.

Notice it's not I. It's pointing the finger at you. You misunderstood. I was clear. But you misunderstood. You must not know English very well.

So this is just another way of shifting blame. Rather than apologizing for the mistake, this line of reasoning points out the other person's fault. So again, by the way, we're looking at areas where a person could apologize to you and make the situation worse. Again, not out of malice, but something realizing that words matter and they're not using the right words. And we've got to make sure that the words are properly coming out of our hearts, out of abundance of the heart that mouth speaks, right?

As I was doing my research on this, and I did some good research on this, here's what false apologies do, and there's others in the three I gave you. But here's what false apologies do. They invalidate the listener's experience. Is that something you want when you're trying to be at one with somebody? Do you want to invalidate their feelings or their experience? Of course not. A false apology makes excuses. When you and I want to apologize, we want to be brutally honest about what we have done.

A false apology shifts the focus and responsibility off of the apologizer and places them onto the listener.

So all these things, brother, you can see where these are all kind of adding up. A false apology often includes the word, but. Begin to quibble. We begin to wiggle. We begin to equivocate.

A false apology sends the message that an apologizer isn't really willing to consider the ways they've actually hurt you.

And when you've been hurt, brother, and you want people to realize, especially the one who's hurt you, you want them to realize that you have been hurt by their hand.

And they do need to apologize. If they are, and we were talking to people in this room, myself and all of you, we're all Christians in this room, we want to make sure that we're walking the way God wants us to walk. And if we're doing things that are hurting other people, we want to repent of that. And basically, brethren, an apology is a form of repentance.

You know, when we're going before God and we want God to forgive us, and we're confessing our sins to God, we don't use the word, but, or if.

We want God to forgive us unconditionally based upon our repentance.

Now, a real apology, on the other hand, acknowledges the listener's experience. So you want to fortify, make sure they feel validated, that you understand where they're coming from. Their nose is in out of joint. They've got real issues. And they've got real issues because we have brought those issues to their doorstep. And they want to know that we know that we've done that to them.

That helps soften the blow, helps them with the healing process. A real apology takes responsibility without any excuses.

A real apology allows both parties the opportunity to focus on the apologizer's actions without shifting blame.

A real apology lets the listener know that the person who's heard them understands that. And they want to make amends for that.

So, we've taken a look at this point. The benefits of hearing, receiving, and giving an apology. We've taken a look at some false or pseudo-apologies.

Here's where the meat of the sermon comes. The meat of the sermon is here. How do you build a proper apology? I've got eight steps. How do you build a proper apology?

Number one.

Real apologies own the action that caused the fence. We own it. We did it. It's not what the other person makes of it. It's not what they think about it. It's not their feelings. It's what we did to them. We have to own the action that came from our hand or our mouth, or even a sign of omission. Things we should have done and didn't do, that we knew better. Matthew 18, verse 7.

Matthew 18, verse 7.

Matthew 18, verse 7. Woe to the world because of offenses, for offenses must come, but woe to that man by whom the offense comes.

Words of Christ all in the red of my Bible here.

We've caused an offense. We need to apologize. We need to take full responsibility for that offense.

Let's say you're a married couple, and you and your mate have decided that your credit card debt is just too much. You know, maybe only 100 bucks, but that's too much. You like everything at zero balance. And so you as a married couple make the pact between the two of you that you're not going to use the credit cards unless the two of you confer. And then one of you is going to use the credit cards. And the other one is manifested. You can use the credit cards unless the two of you confer.

And then one of you goes out and goes on a shopping spree. Could be a husband going out there getting a bunch of tools. Could be a lady going out there getting all these nice things to cook with. Could be anything. But, you know, when the wrong has been done, then we need to formulate a statement. And we need to be careful how we do this. We need to formulate a statement acknowledging exactly what was done wrong. As an example, Han, I went out and I bought XYZ and we list XYZ. I know that we made a covenant that we were not going to do this. I went out and did it. I shouldn't have done it without talking to you. But I did. I'm wrong. I'm sorry. I did that.

In your real apologies, it's still number, step number one. Speak in the first person. You know, I, me, not us, not we. You know, we're making this apology from our heart, out of our mouth. We are apologizing for what we did, what we said, not the way the other person took it. Well, I'm sorry you misunderstood. Well, that's not the point. The point is, I did something and I hurt you. So I need to apologize. I need to stay in the first person. Also, specific apologies are best. Over the years, brother, and I've known too many people who go to an extreme, they over-apologize, they over-generalize, they say, you know what? I'm just a bad person. I'm just such a failure with my relationships. I don't know which way is up, which way is down. How does the listener take that? The listener says, well, you know, you hurt me here. This is what you did to me. But you're not specifically talking about this. You're just kind of in the, you know, twilight zone here. You know, brother, if you walk out this door here and you slip and you fall, you scrape your hand up, you've got a lot of little cuts here. What do you do? You take the time to clean each cut. You take the time to put some sort of disinfectant in each cut. You take care of each little wound. You don't just look at your hand and say, hey, be healed, or hand. You take steps. And the same thing is true with our interpersonal relationships. We need to take specific steps. We need to make sure that we are specific about our apology. I did this to you. I did that to you. And we're very specific. We're in the first person. We don't over-apologize. People want to be reassured that you're going to do something to help fix it. We'll get to that in another point. So point number one, or step number one, real apologies own the action. Step number two, real apologies will state what you did wrong. And if you don't know what you did wrong, you ask the person who's suffering, what did I do? I can tell that I've done something to hurt you. I'm not clear in my mind what that is. You know, brethren, people take our actions in different ways. And sometimes it can be where we thought we were doing something good for something, but the other person doesn't view it that way. And so we have to find out, if we're going to apologize sincerely, we've got to know what we've done, right? If you're in a cloud, if I'm in a cloud, we don't know what we've done, we've got to find out what we've done, and then we've got to state that back to the person. Leviticus 5, verse 5. Here in Leviticus 5, there are a number of things that are being discussed that need attention. But notice what it said here is a principle here in Leviticus 5, verse 5. And it shall be, when he is guilty, something wrong has taken place here, when he is guilty in any of these matters, that he shall confess that he has sinned in that thing.

He shall confess he is guilty specifically in that thing.

So real apologies are very specific. Number 3. Stage number 3. Real apologies say, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. These are two of the most powerful words you can utter to somebody you've heard. If you really mean them. Now, if you don't mean them, don't say them. Don't insult the other person's intelligence by giving one of these fluffy type things, well, you know, maybe it'll make you feel better, maybe it'll get you off my back, I'm sorry. Well, you don't really mean that, do you? If you don't mean it, don't say it. Give the person respect of being honest with them.

If you're having issues, if you're having trouble putting yourself in the other, you know, empathizing with the other person, putting yourself in their shoes, then you think about how you've been hurt over the years by this or that or the other thing and how that made you feel. And then maybe you can have the proper feeling there to properly say, I'm sorry. Luke chapter 15. Luke chapter 15. Here we've got the parable, the prodigal son.

I think it makes a good statement here as to how this young man, you know, he took his share of the inheritance, he went out and lived wastefully. But he finally came to his senses, he came to a state of repentance. And as I made mention a moment ago, apologies are a form of repentance. So he came to see he had done wrong, what he had done.

He was no longer trying to say, well, the reason I left my father was this way, or the reason I left my brother was this way. I wasn't understood. You know, Mom dropped me on my head when I was a kid. You know, none of that sort of stuff. Chapter 15 verse 21. And the son said to him, Father, I have sinned. First person, I have sinned against heaven and in your sight, and I'm no longer worthy to be called your son.

So here we see the young man humbling himself with a sincere apology for what he's done to his family. Point number four. As I said, I've got eight of these. Point number four. Real apologies resist the urge to qualify the apology. Real apologies resist the urge to qualify it. We're not going to wiggle around. We're not going to equivocate. We're not going to justify. We're not going to give reasons.

We're just going to simply say, I did X, Y, or Z. When you add blaming statements to your, I'm sorry, you're saying it really wasn't all your fault. You don't own the action. You're trying to get the other person as a cosigner on the guilt list by doing this. Acts 8, verse 22. Acts 8, verse 22. Acts 8, verse 22. Repent, therefore... Again, apologies, a form of repentance. Repent, therefore, this your wickedness, your wickedness.

And pray, God, that perhaps the thought of your heart may be forgiven you. So we're not going to equivocate. We're not going to wiggle. You know, we're simply going to say, I did it. I'm sorry. This is what I have done. Number five. Step number five. Real apologies. Promise you'll try never to repeat the offense again. We're going to take concrete action.

We're not going to just use mouthy words and, you know, do a lot of bloviating or things of that nature. We're going to put our words into action. Now, we're human. And because we're human, we may slip again. But it's not going to be the sort of thing where we do this to the person time after time after time after time. The person who's been wrong wants to know that. They don't want to feel like a punching bag. They don't want to feel like as though you're there to be walked on.

Let's look at 2 Corinthians, chapter 7. Here in 2 Corinthians, the Apostle Paul discusses with the church there, you know, people are wondering, well, how do I repent? How do I know if I am repentant? And so he goes through a section here that is very clear on that point. 2 Corinthians, chapter 7. 2 Corinthians, chapter 7. Let's start in verse 9. Where it says, Now I rejoice, not that you were made sorry, but that your sorrow led to repentance. For you were made sorry in a godly manner, that you might suffer loss from us in nothing.

For godly sorrow produces repentance, leading to salvation, not to be regretted, but the sorrow of the world produces death. So, brethren, we see that there's a right and there was a wrong way to do things, right? You can have gold, which is real repentance, or you can have fool's gold, which is a false type of repentance.

Now, verse 11 is the key. And when I'm counseling people for baptism, we always go through this, because people who are being counseled for baptism, they want to know, how do I know where I am with God? Verse 11 gives us a good deal of meat here. It's a very meaty verse. Verse 11. For observe this very thing that you sorrowed in a godly manner. So here we're going to see steps as to what real repentance is. And brethren, this is not just for people who are coming to baptism.

This is true for our whole Christian walk with God at any time. If you wonder, if you're repented about whatever the matter is, you go to this verse, and there are seven stages here you can look at. And you can ask yourself, if you are where you are, on a scale from zero to a hundred. And notice the very first thing that we see here in this repentance is, what diligence it produced in you.

What diligence. So as you are making an apology to somebody, you want to be diligent. So this doesn't happen again. Now, because you are weak, it may happen, but it's not going to be an everyday occurrence. You're going to be diligent about the process. And brethren, without a statement outlining how you plan to make things better, in the future, the offended person may not believe you're sincere.

So you've got to take this, and you've got to build all these things into your conversation with the person you've heard. Number six, and we want to stay right here in this chapter. Number six, talking about building real apologies. Number six, real apologies make amends. Real apologies do something. Notice what it says here in verse 11. What diligence it produced in you, we just covered that, but also the next step of the seven, what clearing of yourselves.

You want your name cleared. So there's things that you're going to do to clear your name. A genuine apology comes with reparations. Generally speaking, there's nothing physical to repair, but you may need to help work on their hearts. You may have broken their heart. You may have shattered their trust in you. Those things need to be rebuilt, reworked, focused upon. You might simply ask the individual who you've heard. Well, what can I do? What can I do to show you, I mean what I say? Is there something that I can do? So real apologies make amends. Number seven. Number seven. Real apologies choose the right time.

Timing is everything. Timing is everything. Real apologies choose the right time. Let's look at the book of Ecclesiastes. We were there two weeks ago. Two weeks ago, we gave the sermon about, there's a time to forget. The Apostle Paul said, you know, forgetting those things which are behind.

He said he was going to move forward. And the Apostle Paul took that to heart because he realized in his life, he had tortured people, he had people thrown in jail who were still in jail when he became a converted Christian. He had people murdered. And he could spend the rest of his life looking back over his shoulder. But he realized, you know, there's a time to forget. So timing is everything. Ecclesiastes chapter 3 and verse 1. Ecclesiastes chapter 3 and verse 1.

To everything there is a seize and a time for every purpose under heaven. Brethren, there's a time to apologize. And frankly, there's a time to wait before you apologize. Depending upon the person you need to apologize to, if they've got a, you know, a very, like a flash temper, and you've hurt them grievously, and you know you've done that, you know you've done it right on the spot, and then you start trying to apologize, maybe in that specific case, they won't hear a word that comes out of your mouth because you've so grievously hurt them, their mind is racing a thousand miles an hour, and they're not going to hear anything you say.

So sometimes you need to stand back, give the person some space, and you're going to have to go before God and say, Father, give me the wisdom I know. How long do I wait for this person to cool down? That's a judgment call. Everything there is a time in the season. Verse 3, there's a time to kill, there's a time to heal. With our apologies, that's a time to heal. Verse 5, a time to cast away stones, a time to gather stones, there's a time to embrace. There's a time to properly bring that apology.

But there's also a time to refrain from embracing. If they're not going to listen to you, if you've so hurt them that they need time to kind of calm down, well, then you allow them their space. You're going to still go to them, you're still going to apologize, but you're giving them their space so they can have you in their presence. Verse 7, there's a time to tear, and a time to sow, and a time to keep silence, and a time to speak.

So brethren, real apologies know that you have to choose the right time. Sometimes it's right away, sometimes it isn't right away. And lastly, step number 8, real apologies are patient. You can go to the person you've hurt, you've wronged with the best apology in the world. But nothing says they're going to forgive you. Nothing says they're going to accept your apology. So you may have to be very patient in this regard. 1 Corinthians 13, the love chapter.

1 Corinthians 13. 1 Corinthians 13 and verse 4, which says, Love suffers long and is kind. So if you go out to the person, you've got a proper apology, a sincere apology, a godly apology, and they don't accept it, then you've got to have your love suffer long with that situation. You've got to be kind in that situation.

And in the Scriptures, kindness is something that you give to somebody who's not being kind to you. Now, you want to get this guilt off, you want to get this rock off your back because you've hurt the person, you've apologized, you've gone through all the thinking and all the praying and fasting and so forth, and now you just want to be done with it. You want to be in the rearview mirror. But sometimes they don't want to be in the rearview mirror because they're having a hard time dealing with things.

Well, if they can't deal with it, part of the problem was us, and that we put them in a position where they are there. So we've got to love, suffer long, and be kind. Verse 7, love will bear all things. Okay? They're not accepting me yet. Okay, fine, let's give it some time. Love believes all things. You know, I'm believing that if I've gone through the person in a proper frame of mind, I've put things in a proper way to them, that in time, God will help them to come and see this.

Love hopes all things. And so I'm going to hope that God, as He's working with that person's mind, will soften their heart and mind. You know, I've hurt them. I've put them in a position where they're hurt. But now I'm going to ask God to help my words to be part of the healing process for them. And verse 7, love endures all things.

What we may be reduced to doing at times like this is going to the person and stating something like this, I understand you're still upset about what I've done to you, but thanks for giving me the opportunity to apologize. If you ever change your mind and want to talk further about the subject, please give me a call, or let's get together and talk.

So be patient. You or I going to that person and pestering them because we want to hear them say, you know, I accept your apology. That doesn't work. It's a cross purpose as to what we want. So give them their space. Now lastly, brethren, we need to choose how we're going to deliver our apology.

We've looked at false apologies. We've looked at proper apologies. We've looked at, you know, the wise, the wherefores, and so forth. How do we do it? Largely that's going to depend upon your personality. It's going to depend upon your individual skills. Some people are very verbally skilled. Some people are not verbally skilled.

Some people are, you know, they are very, you know, they like interpersonal relationships. They're good with that. They can think on their feet. They can express themselves. They know how to read body language, read faces, all the various little clues that, you know, when you're talking to somebody. Other people, they don't want face to face. They don't want to deal with face to face because under the pressure of looking at somebody in the eye that they've hurt, and as they're talking they see tears streaming down their face and they begin to crumble.

Some people can't handle that. And so for some people, a written apology, an email, a letter, a card, something that can be properly, you know, in the right length of time, be written down. So that is an opportunity for some people in terms of what is best. Personally, over the years, you know, depending upon what you do for a living and where, how you exist, I exist as a field minister.

And so my life revolves around people, the brethren. And because my life revolves around people, I have more opportunity to put my foot in my mouth. I have more opportunity to say things I'm sorry for. So I've learned over the years that for me, it's better to go face to face. Because even though it's hurtful to see tears coming out of your eyes knowing I'm the one who put them there, at least I know that you're listening to me.

I can read your face. I can read your body. English. You should have done a better job of that earlier before I put the pain to you. But to me, that's a better way of handling things. I've tried the written apology I write fairly well. The problem for me with written apologies is that people tend to read between the lines. They tend to read things that I never intended there. And then they'll take that as a basis for something else. In cases I've been involved in, and some others have told me they've been involved in written apologies, they can exacerbate the problem.

But that's something for you to think about. Where your skill levels are, where you feel comfortable with, how you're going to deliver this, ask God to help you. But do what we must. Do what we must. So today, brethren, we've taken a look at a subject you probably have not thought a great deal about. I've had to think a great deal about it because you've asked me to, because I need to do this more times than I care to admit, to make apologies. We've looked at the benefits to the receiver, to the giver. We've looked at pseudo-apologies. We've looked at how to build a proper apology. We've touched base a little bit on how to deliver an apology. So hopefully, brethren, you'll find the information we've given today helpful. There is a ton. Whole books have been written on this subject. If what I've given you today has not been the most helpful for you personally, go online. Go to the library. There's plenty of help that's available. But if you've hurt somebody, you need to apologize. Let's make sure that we do it, and that we do it right.