Godly Communication

And thank you, Mr. Blakey. Happy Sabbath to all of you. Once again.

Well, what do you think is the number one problem that human beings struggle with between each other?

Think about that. What's the number one problem human beings have with each other?

The lack of it is a root cause for most marriage problems. It's a root cause of divorce.

It's the root cause of fighting. It's the root cause of family issues. It's the root cause of workplace problems. It's the root cause of politics. It's the root cause of wars between nations.

The answer is a lack of good communication skills. And this is confirmed by history.

And the very problems that exist in 2023 in this world. If we were to take out a newspaper, I could show you every article on the front page, and somewhere, if we drill down enough, we peel the layers off the onion, that problem is the result of a communication dysfunction somewhere in the process that led to that problem, that crime, whatever it may be that's being reported. We learned to talk because we were born into this world infantile and ignorant. We come out of the womb. We're just like a blank slate. We know nothing about human language.

We know nothing about taking care of ourselves. We had to learn how to live in the world. And one of those skills that we had to learn was talking. But talking is just an expression of our thoughts and ideas. It's different than learning good communication skills. They are two totally different things. And I want to emphasize that today. This is so important that many modern organizations offer communication training to their employees.

As a matter of fact, in my consulting practice, the idea of improving communication is my most requested training program. It's called effective communication. Because most organizations have conflict within themselves among their employees. And they know, even though they're grown adults, they know they need to be trained to learn how to communicate well. They can all talk. Sometimes they talk too much. That's what gets them in trouble. But they need to learn good communication skills. Good communication skills are not only a problem in the world today. It has always been and continues to be the number one problem among church members.

Today I want to talk about improving our communication skills and how we can do that. I don't have time to cover them all, but I have time to emphasize a couple of very important principles, I think, to get all of us started and improve our communication skills. So let's begin in the book of the beginnings to show how dysfunctional communication is the result of being human and being carnal. And the reason we have communication problems is because God has such a great sense of humor that he decided to call human beings into his church. And because we're human and carnal and selfish, we will always have issues and offenses and communication difficulties we'll see later where Jesus literally said that would always happen, and it does.

So let's go to Genesis chapter 3 beginning in verse 7 and see the example that God sets for us the very being himself who later on would come down to earth, empty himself of his glory, and come down to earth and walk as a human being among us. The example that he set for us on the proper way to communicate and to approach difficulties. Genesis chapter 3 in verse 7.

Now, Adam and Eve have already sinned at this point, and it says, the eyes of both of them were opened, and they knew that they were naked, and they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves covering. So for the first time in their distance, they felt shame about their bodies, which was a natural consequence of their innocence being lost and them becoming selfish, me-oriented, due to having sinned. It immediately entered their minds.

Verse 8, and they heard the sound of the Lord walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and Adam and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the Lord God among the trees of the garden. Then the Lord God called to Adam and said to him, now let me begin. Did God know that they sinned? How many here think God knows that they sinned?

Well, everyone. Of course God knows. It's why he gets that title, God. Of course he knows they sinned. And said to them, where are you? And he, Adam, said, I heard your voice in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked, and I hid myself. What I want you to notice here is God doesn't immediately pass judgment like we human beings do, or make accusations like we human beings do.

He reveals for us, we actually discover through his example, the first rule of healthy, godly communication. And that is seek first to understand, and afterward to be understood. Now, that is such a powerful principle that thousands and thousands and thousands and thousands of years later, a man named Covey clung it into his seven principles. And, by the way, all of those seven principles of highly effective people were originally part of a religion class that he taught before he secularized it and dropped out a lot of the scriptures, and it became a bestseller, and he introduced it, and it's a very popular book even to this day. God doesn't begin with accusations or judging or finger pointing, but with a simple, open-ended question.

Where are you? Let's talk. I want to hear what you have to say. And that's a very powerful principle.

And it's so contrary to us human beings. When we see something go wrong, we already jump to a conclusion. We jump to a judgment. We jump to make accusations. We immediately point fingers.

And, in contrast to that, God is showing us healthy, godly communication. He wants to hear what they have to say. He wants to understand why what their motive was, why they were trying to avoid him. So God exercises this principle all the way back into Genesis 3. As an example for all of us in the faith today, to realize that that first principle of healthy, godly communication is seek first to understand. And you seek first to understand by asking questions rather than allowing yourself to jump to a decision or a conclusion. Seek first to understand. And then, after you've heard someone out, then seek to be understood. Work hard so that that person can understand where you're coming from, what your point of view and your perspective is. Again, I think all of this is very, very important. Adam declares exactly what the human race has been doing ever since that time, hiding from God and wanting him to go away. That simple statement from Adam, and that is, I hid myself is the story of humanity because we all as a people have been hiding from God ever since, creating our own religions, creating our concept of what God is in our own image as human beings, and that are the religions that exist in the world today. Drop down to verse 11. Verse 11. And he said, this is God, who told you that you were naked?

Have you eaten from the tree of which God commanded you that you should not eat? And the man said, the woman, it's her fault, the woman who you gave to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I ate. And that, again, is so human. It would take a very mature person to say, you're right, God, I had my share in this. I picked up that forbidden fruit with my own hand, and I put it to my mouth, and I bit into it and ate it. But what's his natural reaction? Because he's human, because he's carnal, because he's tasted sin. The woman who you gave to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I ate. That says, okay, that's your answer. I'm listening. I'm trying to understand. Now, woman, what why did you eat it? And let's continue here. The woman said, the serpent deceived me, and I ate. So she also tries to avoid blame. It's not me, it's the serpent who did it.

So the Lord God said to the serpent, because you have done this, you are cursed more than all cattle and more than every beast of the field. On your belly you shall go, and you shall eat dust all the days of your life. By the way, before being cursed, I don't know if you ever contemplated this, the serpent may have walked, may have been very beautiful and charismatic. You know, there are reptiles that have legs. So this was a curse that brought this serpent to the point of being snake-like and moving on its belly. That was actually part of the curse. I'll move on. I want you to notice that Adam and Eve's communication is already dysfunctional immediately after they've sinned. Adam blames Eve, Eve blames the serpent, and the serpent is smart enough not to say anything.

The serpent, who is very crafty, understands the old adage, it is better to remain silent and have others think you are a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt. So the serpent says nothing. Again, I want you to notice the example of godly communication, this first principle that I want to emphasize from the creator himself. Seek first to understand. Ask open-ended questions, and an open-ended question is not one that can be answered with yes and no. It's one that requires someone to talk with you for a while and say a sentence or two in order to answer the question. Let's go to Proverbs chapter 4 and verse 7 and follow that up. All right, Proverbs chapter 4 and verse 7. It says, wisdom is the principle thing. Therefore, get wisdom and in all you're getting, get understanding. And how do we gain understanding of anything? Is it from jumping to conclusions?

Is it from just thinking, well, I'm pretty smart, I know, so this is what my decision is. No, we get understanding by asking questions, getting more information, getting more facts is how we get understanding regarding any topic or knowing any human being. In all you're getting, get understanding regarding wisdom. Exalt her and she will promote you. She will bring you honor when you embrace her. She will place on your head an ornament of grace, a crown of glory she will deliver to you. People will respect you, they'll look at you as wise. As someone who has a lot of not just knowledge but wisdom and can give good advice and good counsel, this is the reputation you will attain by doing this. Wisdom comes from understanding and understanding. Only ever comes from asking questions to learn more about any situation before you pass judgment or think you know the answer.

Or think you know what is right or wrong in any situation. Remember God's example. Seek first to understand and afterward to be understood. I'm going to read verse 7 here from the new international version and it says, wisdom is supreme therefore get wisdom though it costs you all you have get understanding. That makes it pretty important when the proverb tells us even if it costs you everything get understanding and that's very important before we come to a decision or a conclusion about a person or an action or something that we hear or something that is said.

Very important. Understanding is the pursuit to perceive the full reason why someone does something or says something or why something happens. It's the desire to know how a person feels and why that person behaves in a particular way. Understanding another point of view balances our own limited perception. Why is our perception limited? Because we can't read each other's minds.

We can't know another person's motives, what they really meant, what their real intention was unless we suspend our initial reaction which may be edgy, which may be judgmental, and we ask a few open-ended questions of them. And again, this is just so important. It's the desire to know how a person feels and why that person behaves in a particular way. I could give you lots of examples in the Bible of poor communication skills, but I'm just going to go to one in Genesis chapter 31. It's one of my favorites because it is so classic. Oh, and it is so human. That's why I like to use an example today. It is just so human between two people who went through the same experiences the last 20 years. They lived together. They saw each other probably every day, and they both have totally different opposite views of what that experience was all about.

And that happens a lot among church members. Some church members have been sitting in the congregation for 50 years they've known each other, and yet conflicts arise because they're both looking at a situation, something that was said, something that was done from their own biased view, and not seeking first to understand, and then, only then, to be understood. Genesis chapter 31 verse 25. Give you a little context. We know that Jacob in essence worked for Laban, and yes, Laban did abuse him, changed his wages a lot. He deceived him regarding his first wife. He was supposed to give him Rachel. He woke up in the morning after his wedding night, and there's Leah.

I guess that was a little bit of a shock. Apparently it wasn't for Leah, but it was for him.

And then he changed his wages and made him work another certain number of years to get Rachel. I mean, Uncle Laban was a pretty sneaky, deceitful guy, wasn't he? And Jacob took his wives and children and his possessions, and he fled away from his father-in-law without telling him he just took off. So Laban overtook Jacob. Now Jacob had pitched his tent in the mountains, and Laban, with his brethren, pitched in the mountains of Gilead. And Laban said to Jacob, so they're almost like face-to-face here, these two groups. And Laban said to Jacob, what have you done that you have stolen away, unknown to me, and carried away my daughter's captives, taken with the sword? You have kidnapped my children, is basically what he's saying. Who do you think you are?

Why did you flee secretly, flee away secretly, and steal away from me, and not tell me? For I might have sent you away with joy and songs with timbre and harp, and you did not allow me to kiss my sons and my daughters, my grandchildren. Now you have done foolishly in so doing. It is in my power to do you harm, but the God of your father spoke to me last night, saying, be careful what you speak to Jacob, either good nor bad. And now you have surely gone because you have greatly longed for your father's house. You want to go back to your original home, which he would do that. But why, on top of everything else, why did you steal my gods?

Sounds like he's a little perturbed to me. I'd say he's kind of upset. This is a classic communication problem. Laban and Jacob lived together for over 20 years. They shared most of the same experiences, but they have diametrically opposite opinions on what that shared experience was. They have different realities, different truths in their minds. Without trying to understand one another, they're pushing their opinions upon each other. They're trying to force their ideas. They're telling. They're not trying to understand. Laban doesn't seek to understand. He tells and he rants. And again, this is typically human, and it's dysfunctional, and it's wrong.

We just read Laban's reality. Now let's see Jacob's reality. We'll pick it up in verse 36.

Then Jacob was angry. Well, that's not a shock, considering how he was just talked to by his father-in-law. He was angry, and he rebuked Laban. And Jacob answered and said to Laban, What is my trespass? Where is my sin that you have so hotly pursued me? You're like an invading army. Here I am, waltzing through here with my family, and suddenly you're here aggressively, as if you're ready to invade my space. Verse 37. Although you have searched all my things, what part of your household things have you found? Said it here before my brethren and your brethren that they may judge between us both. Well, of course, what he doesn't know is his beloved wife Rachel had actually stolen her father's gods and put them in the saddle on a camel.

And while they're searching everything, and they came up to the camel, she said, Daddy, it's that time of month. So he didn't search that camel where the gods were in the saddlebags. Continuing. So she doesn't know this when he's making this statement.

Please, twenty years I've been with you. Your ewes and your female goats have not miscarried their young. You've been blessed because I served you. I've not eaten the rams of your flock, that which was torn by beast I did not bring to you. I bore the loss of it from my own flock. I replaced whatever you lost with my very own. You required it from my hand, whether stolen by day or stolen by night. There I was in the day the drought consumed me, and the frost by night in my sleep departed from my eyes. Thus I have been in your house twenty years. I served you fourteen years for your two daughters and six years for your flock, and you have changed my wages ten times unless the god of my father, the god of Abraham, and the fear of Isaac had been with me. Surely now you would have sent me away empty-handed.

God has seen my affliction and the labor of my hands and rebuked you last night. Yes, God had a little talk with you last night. Jacob's saying, because I'm right and you're wrong.

So, as you can see, Jacob has a different view of these events than Laban has. Neither Laban nor Jacob is seeking first to understand the other. They are both simply angry and lashing out without listening to the other or seeking to understand anything. Again, that is just so typically human.

The same communication problem is at the heart and core of most marriage problems, divorces, fistfights, killings, politics, and war. It's the number one problem in the Church of God. People are offended, and instead of dealing with that offense, as we'll discuss in a little bit, they stay home, or they just continue to come to church, but like a burr under their saddle, like a burr under Rachel's camel saddle, it just hurts and hurts and festers and festers and never seems to get better or go away. But Laban's not done yet. Have you ever seen human beings who are angry at each other, where just one person said one thing and another person retorted and ended there? Oh no, you gotta go on and on. You gotta talk back numerous times. Well, this just records one more time, and it really shows the heart and core of what Laban's mindset is. And it is very selfish. And Laban answered and said to Jacob, these daughters are my daughters, not yours.

They're mine. And these children, these grandchildren, they're my grandchildren, not yours.

And this flock, everything that you think is part of the flock that you worked for, it's my flock, not your flock. All that you see is mine. Look around. Everything you consider a personal relationship or possession, Laban says, it all belongs to me, you young punk. Who do you think you are? Kidnapping. My family. And taking my possessions and calling them your own.

But, you see, it's checkmate because God had to talk with him, in spite of how he feels. In spite of how Laban wants to do in this situation, but what can I do this day to these daughters or to their children whom they have born? I'm not going to do anything that harms them.

And God told me not to say anything, of course, good or bad towards you. He's livid. He realizes there's nothing he can do. God has told him to back off, and of course he doesn't want to punish his own daughters and grandchildren. Just about anything that he would do to Jacob would hurt his own flesh and blood. Again, we could look at dozens of these kinds of conversations in Scripture, but for the sake of time, I think we all get to point. I hope you understand the points that I'm bringing out here. So now, let's talk about some wisdom. We've seen the dysfunction. Let's talk about some wisdom. We're going to go back and take a look at a few proverbs, particularly here in chapter 18, which is a good chapter about communication and seeking to understand. Proverbs chapter 18 and verse 2. Proverbs chapter 18 and verse 2, a fool has no delight in understanding but in expressing his own heart. So the proverb says, a fool doesn't want to understand. They don't want to seek. They don't want to ask questions. They're too busy telling, making sure that everyone else knows and hears how they feel. That's what this proverb is saying. I'm going to read it from the New Century version. Fools do not want to understand anything. They only want to tell others what they think. Is that us? A fool just thinks they're right. They have no desire to understand a person or a situation or to ask questions to learn more. They just want to spout off. They just want to tell. They just want to state their opinion.

And again, that is a real problem within the Church of God. Has been for a long time, continues today, because we are carnal and we are human. Verse 13, this is from the New Century version, anyone who answers without listening is foolish and confused. I want to emphasize, listening goes beyond merely the ability to hear something, the ability to perceive sound in our ears. Active listening seeks to understand what the other person is saying before we pass judgment. Active listening is focused without thinking about what you want to say next. It's a real problem, those of us in our Western world. Here's what happens. We're in a conversation with someone and they're talking and instead of truly listening to them, we're already rehearsing. What we're going to say as soon as they stop or take a breath when we can cut them off and say it.

That's a real human dysfunction. But that's what we tend to do. Active listening suspends. This is a discipline. This is not natural. You didn't learn this growing up at home. Trust me. You don't learn this in high school or college. But active listening is the discipline of suspending your thoughts or judgment or what you want to say next to truly listen to what someone else is saying and to ask if you open-ended questions to either confirm what you think you know or understand or to learn more if there are some puzzle pieces that are missing. Again, verse 13, anyone who answers without listening is foolish and confused.

Proverbs chapter 18 and verse 19, a brother offended is harder to win than a strong city, and contentions are like the bars of a castle. The heart and core of Christianity indeed is forgiveness. And why is that so important? Because we want to totally be forgiven of God, of all the sins and the stupid things that we say and do. And we don't want God to be slow about that. We want God to do it immediately when we acknowledge our fault and think about the fact that, boy, that wasn't smart or I shouldn't have said that or I shouldn't have done that. We want it done quickly. Well, we should extend that same courtesy for others who might say something that offends us or hurts our feelings. And when we are spiritually immature, we don't want to forgive.

We want to hold that up like a fence, like a badge of honor, like we're some kind of martyr. I've been hurt. Look at me. You owe me like it's some kind of badge of honor instead of letting it go and forgiving someone who said or did something that hurts us. For someone who is offended like that, it seems like no matter what you do or what you say will bring them back. To argue with someone about anything in the church, outside of the church, is to create bars on their hearts.

So don't engage in arguments. If someone doesn't want to have a mature, balanced discussion about any issue of the most contentious issue, whatever it is, don't end up being in an arguing or a shouting match with them. You're not going to move anyone from their position by doing that.

It becomes very difficult to reconcile when people are deeply offended. Now let's go into the New Testament. Let's take a look at some New Testament examples. Luke chapter 17 and verse 1, something that Jesus teaches us that I alluded to earlier. Luke chapter 17 and verse 1.

Then he, this is Jesus, said to his disciples, it is impossible that no offenses should come, but woe to him through whom they do come. It's going to happen. Offenses are human. And why is it going to happen? Why is it impossible for them not to happen? Because you're human. I'm human. You're carnal. I'm carnal. It's just going to happen. It's the end result of being a human being. Verse 2, it would be better for him if a millstone were hung around his neck and he were thrown into the sea, then that he should offend one of these little ones referring to a believer in Christ. Take heed to yourselves. If your brother sins against you, rebuke him. And if he repents, forgive him. And if he sins against you seven times in a day, and seven times in a day returns to you saying, I repent, you shall forgive him. Now, why would Jesus say that? Because that's what God does for us. We might sin seven times in a day, and every time when we recognize and acknowledge it and repent of it, God forgives us immediately, even if it's seven times in the same day. As I emphasized earlier, we need to extend to other people the same courtesy that God extends to us.

And the apostles said to the Lord, increase our faith. Maybe you're feeling that way. I'm sorry. That's a lot deeper than I'm willing to go right now, Mr. Thomas. I understand that's how the apostles felt. That's asking too much of me. Increase our faith so I have the ability to do that. We know sometimes how they argued with one another and the disputes the disciples had, including who was going to be greatest in the kingdom of God. So we know their own human personal struggles. The word here that's offend is from the Greek word skandelizo. By the way, the English word is scandalize. That's where we get the English word scandalize. And it means to entrap someone, to trip them up, or to bring displeasure on another person. And the word rebuke is probably not a real good word in our English today because it's not meant to be as harsh as our English word rebuke has evolved over the decades and centuries. It's epitima, which means to admonish, to straightly charge, to say something frankly to someone. But it doesn't mean to have an edge or to make an accusation out of it. The Believer's Study Bible says, quote, regarding this verse, the idea connoted by the verb rebuke is that of a frank but gentle reproof.

So it doesn't have an edge to it. It doesn't have an accusation to it. And what Jesus is saying here is we are held accountable to God when we offend others with our words or with our actions.

On the other hand, when we offend others and we repent, we go to them, we say, you know, I shouldn't have said that. I repent. I'm sorry. And we say that sincerely, seeking forgiveness or reconciliation. It's the other person's responsibility to forgive us and reconcile.

And if they don't, then the onus is on them if they refuse to do that. Of course, none of this can happen if we're avoiding each other. If people are offended by someone staying home or making sure that there's always like a 20-foot rule between the two of us, that we never get close in line or where we sit or anything else. Reconciliation cannot happen if we're avoiding each other. Jesus is saying that offenses will certainly come because we're human and carnal and dysfunctional. But we need to take seriously our responsibility not to offend others. And if we do, even if we think we might have, after analyzing a conversation or something that went on, even if we think we might have the Christian thing to do, is to call that person and apologize. And probably the majority of times a person will say, oh, I didn't take it that way at all. No, I wasn't offended. I just figured you meant this. Or sometimes they'll say, thank you very much. But a lot of times they'll say, nope, not a problem. Not a problem for me. So that's a very important principle. Let's now go to Matthew chapter 18 and verse 15. Matthew chapter 18 and verse 15. Again, this is another very important principle that Jesus teaches us, and it is contrary to human nature.

Jesus says, beginning in verse 15, moreover, if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. So if you're offended by someone, something you see them do or something they say, the rule number one is you go to them alone. You don't go to Mr. Thomas. You don't tell 15 people. You don't post it on Facebook. You go to that person alone, absolutely, positively alone to discuss it. If he hears you, you have gained your brother. There's reconciliation. It ends there, and in the overwhelming majority of cases, it will end there if you're willing to do that. But if he will not hear, take with you one or two more that by the mouth of two or three witnesses, every word may be established, and if he refuses to hear them, tell it to the church. But if he refuses even to hear the church, let him be to you like a heathen and a tax collector. So when someone has deeply offended you or sinned against you, the Christian thing to do is go to them and discuss it and explain why you were hurt by their actions. Either you saw them do something or something that they said, that you were hurt by it, how you feel because of what they said or because of their actions. Listen to them. There's two sides to every story. I like to say there's three sides to every story. There's usually each person's side and then usually the truth is somewhere in the middle. But there are at least two sides to every story. Listen to them. And before anyone else knows about this, before you get anyone else involved in this, this should be done. Going to them one on one, staying at home and complaining about being offended is not a Christian option. Jesus doesn't mention that here as an option. In the great majority of cases, when this is done, there is reconciliation and it usually ends right here, thankfully. If the person refuses to listen and continues to be offensive or belligerent, and sometimes that happens, a person doubles down. Yeah! And if you want a second opinion, you're still that way. Right? So sometimes people double down. If that is the case, then ask two or three others to join you in another conversation with that individual. I want to emphasize that some people get confused about this. I want to emphasize that these two or three witnesses are not your advocates. They are not there to support you. Their role is to listen closely to both sides and attempt to bring the two together with reconciliation. They are a witness. Notice the scripture. To every word it says. That's both people talking. Here's what I think happened. Here's what I think happened. So they are witnesses to the whole discussion. And why is this important? I have known of situations where a person brought witnesses to them. And after hearing everyone out, the witnesses said to the person who asked them to join them, your fault. You're the problem. What? Thought he had advocates. No, that's not their role.

Their role is to work very hard to bring reconciliation to these two offended parties or the one party that is sorely offended over something. But their job is not to take sides with the person who asked them to join in on a conversation. If after this all the parties are divided, it should be brought to the church via the church pastor as the church's representative, who will listen to everyone involved and make a decision on who and what is in error. Jesus did not mean that if this situation occurs that you should bring these people up and have a hundred people listen to while he said this and she said this and that's a guaranteed step towards a church split. Because everyone who hears those people will be divided into two camps when a entire congregation hears of something on. Besides, who wants to hear that? Who would even want to be involved in something in that kind of dispute? That, to me, would be very disheartening. It's hard enough on a pastor to listen to it all and make a decision, let alone have 60 to 100 people hear it.

Let's take a look at a few other scriptures. Colossians chapter 4 and verse 6. Let's see what Paul says about the importance of speech and good communication. Colossians chapter 4 and verse 6. He says, let your speech always, not sometimes, not when you're having a good day, but let your speech always be with grace, seasoned with salt, that you may know how you ought to answer each other. The word grace, of course, is from the Greek word charis, and it means to be a benefit. It means kindness. It means being pleasant. So let your speech always be kind, even if you have to say something frank to someone. You can still be kind about it. You don't have to have an edge on your tone. You don't have to sound accusatory. You can say some things that need to be said and need to be heard, and you can still be kind and be a benefit to that person. You can offer them a gift by the wisdom that you give them in something maybe they're lacking or something they said that offended you, just as salt preserves and enhances the taste of food. So should our words be seasoned with kindness to enhance our conversations. Now let's take a look at a few verses from the apostle James. James chapter 1 and verse 19. Some very sound advice here, offered by James, brother of Jesus.

He says, so then, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, willing to listen, easy to approach, being willing to understand, to engage in a mature conversation, be swift to hear, slow to speak.

For most human beings, it's totally reversed. They're swift to give their opinion, swift to make a dogmatic statement, swift to bark out some instruction or command.

But when it comes to really listening to what the other person has to say, they hit the off button when they were about age six.

They haven't had it on since then.

Swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath. In other words, something bothers you. A person says something that's rude. A comment is made that just makes you bristle. Being a pastor, I hear a lot of those comments. It makes you bristle.

Don't let it be like that thorn under a saddle.

Don't let it just rub. Don't dwell on it. Let it get deeper and deeper and begin creating anxiety and then create anger and then create bitterness. Cut it off before it ever gets that far. We'll talk about how we can do that in just a few minutes.

But that, again, is an important principle.

Swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath. James gives some sound advice here.

That can save all of us a lot of trouble. Be a good listener.

That old adage, that old principle that God gave us only one mouth and two ears for a reason. That we should at least listen twice as often as we speak. Good principle there.

We should be slow, hesitant to give our own opinions on matters, especially things that are of little consequence.

If you hear something that bothers you, after listening closely after a few questions to be sure that you understand correctly, then state your point of view. And then let it go. Don't relive that conversation 400 times in your mind and get more angry and frustrated every time you relive it. Let it go. Don't brood on it. Don't allow an offensive or ignorant comment to fester in your mind and become a point of anger.

Verse 19 from the New International Version, My dear brothers, take note of this. Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry. Again, I want to mention active listening includes focusing on what the other person is saying. Not simply what you want to say next. Shutting that down. Having the discipline to hear and focus and listen to every word that they say before you.

Think about what you want to say in response. Active listening asks questions to understand rather than jumping to judgment. James 1, verse 26, If anyone thinks he is religious, thinks he or she has Christian values, and does not bridle his tongue but deceives his own heart, this one's religion is useless. I'm going to read this from the translation of God's Word for today. If a person thinks that he is religious but can't control his tongue, he is fooling himself, that person's religion is worthless. Now the word bridle here, the New International Version translates the word bridle as, as keep a tight rein on your mouth. A bridle includes both the head stall, that is the straps, that hold the bit to go into the mouth of the horse, and the reins that are attached to it. That is the way that guides and directs the horse. Go, stop, left, right, it's discipline. It's a disciplinary matter, and we need to bridle our tongues rather than being so eager to speak, so eager to have an opinion on everything that doesn't require one. Rury Bible notes says here, three characteristics of worthwhile religion. Controlling the tongue, visiting or looking after the orphans and widows, and keeping unstained by this world system. And the first of those three, the James mentions, is controlling the tongue. All right, let's go to Psalm 119, verse 165. Psalm 119 and 165, this is our last scripture today. That'll perk them up. Suddenly, there's a resurrection of the dead in this congregation. Psalm 119 and 165, it says, Great peace have those who love your law, and nothing causes them to stumble. Nothing said, nothing that you can do to them causes them to stumble. The old, original, King James Version says, nothing shall offend them. So I want to talk about ultimate Christian maturity here. What does this scripture mean? Ultimate Christian maturity. When we love God's law, we realize that we are in need of a Savior, and that other people struggle with the same faults and problems as we do. And just as we desire mercy and kindness when we say something hurtful, we should cut others some slack and not take things so personally. We should learn to let it go and slough it off as they say some stupid things, just like I say some stupid things. And we all violate God's law, and we need a Savior, and we all need to grow up and mature in the Christian faith. I'm going to be honest with you, tell you about most times I have been deeply offended, and I'm making myself vulnerable here. But some people over the last 50-plus years have said some very hurtful, condescending, offensive things to be. And after word-thinking about it and meditating on it, I came to realize that they were absolutely, positively right. The reason I was offended is I thought I was a better actor than I am.

I was upset because I had been caught, because I thought I was just playing pretty good hiding it. And they hit the nail on the head, and that exposure is really what offended me. Now, they may not have been always right on, but there was an element of truth, at least an element of truth, in every one of those situations. And, brethren, we have to learn not to take things so personal. Jesus said in Luke 17 and verse 1 that offenses are bound to happen, and as they do, it's impossible for them not to occur. So it's going to happen. Therefore, let's show each other some compassion, and let's show each other some mercy for things that cause offense.

If it's really important or serious, then please follow the outline Christ gave in Matthew 18. Don't come to me. Don't go complain to the deacons. Don't stay home and complain to others. Go to that person. That is what Jesus Christ taught us to do.

And in an overwhelming majority of cases when we do that, it'll be reconciled. The person will acknowledge at least part of their blame, and usually it works out okay. And we need to do that if it's really serious. On the other hand, if it's just a stupid comment, be the bigger person and let it go. This is what Christian spiritual maturity is all about. Think about Jesus being slapped, and he said nothing. Think about him being mocked. Think about those nails being pounded between his hands and his feet, and he said nothing. He just took it because he was the bigger person, and he knew the promises that God had for him.

If he can endure that, surely we can be the bigger person. And when someone says something that's rude, ignorant, stupid, or whatever, we cannot take it personally. If it's serious, we can go to them and discuss it and try to reconcile with that person, but not brood over it. Not gossip about that person. And not give that thing or that event or whatever that was said of life of its own so that it goes on and on and hangs like an albatross around someone's neck.

We've had too many people offended in the recent past by silly remarks, or the one that I'm guilty of in the past most often, an attempt to be funny.

Sometimes, you know, that's my nature. I attempt to say something funny, and it blows up in my face. Doesn't happen every day. Maybe twice a day. No. It doesn't happen that often, but I cause offense, and you have to realize my situation. When you're in a conversation, you have the opportunity to offend one person. Every week, I have the chance to offend 60 people at one time. So I'm much greater exposure than most people are in the things that I say. But I'm fully aware of the fact that we are all held accountable for every idle word, including my own. I realize that.

But let's, brethren, forgive one another. Let's cut each other some slack.

We all make inappropriate statements from time to time. Let's forgive as we would want to be forgiven. If it's not serious, and you need to go back and discuss it again with them, then let it go and move forward.

As a congregation, let's improve our level of communication with one another.

We have had too many people offended, recently, as I said, by silly remarks or someone's attempt to be funny. Let's be more careful of our own words. Let's seek first to understand, and then to be understood.

And on the other side of the coin, let's be spiritually mature enough to just let silly or offensive statements go. Don't let them bother us to the point of offense.

People make mistakes just like we make mistakes. People say stupid things just like we say stupid things. Just leave it at that and not allow it to eat at you, not allow it to bother you.

Forgive others as quickly as you desire God to forgive your faults and your mistakes.

And brethren, if we do these things, we will absolutely have an even stronger congregation. I wish all of you a happy Sabbath day.