Head to Head and Heart to Heart

Head-to-Head and Heart-to-Heart
Bend 2-15-14

Introduction – Communication is one of the most important processes of human life yet in many ways an area of the greatest need for improvement.

Recent scientific discoveries in brain research, especially in regard to emotions, offer valuable information for improving the quality and effectiveness of our communication.
We now know that emotions are processed by a different part of the brain than rational thought. This fact alone should revolutionize our approach to communication.

As usual, the Bible was way ahead of the scientific world. The Scriptures speak of the mind and “the heart.” Many have missed this all-important distinction, which is the foundation of many practical principles of communication and human relations.

To cover the many ramifications of these new discoveries would fall well beyond the scope of this sermon. My purpose is to call attention to two distinct “languages”—“head-to-head” and “heart-to-heart”—and offer practical applications in several areas of life.

Importance of Head and Heart languages

The degree to which we understand the differences between these two languages and apply them to our communication can be a major factor of success or failure in any relationship.

Daniel Goleman states, “Emotional life is a domain that, as surely as math or reading, can be handled with greater or lesser skill, and requires its unique set of competencies. And how adept a person is at those is crucial to understanding why one person thrives in life, while another, of equal intellect, dead ends” (Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman, page 36).

The ability to communicate heart-to-heart is a major part of what the author calls “emotional intelligence.” Unfortunately, schools offer courses in many languages yet neglect to train students in the universal language of the heart.

One definition of language is, “a systematic means of communicating ideas or feelings by the use of conventional signs, sounds, gestures, or marks having understood meanings” (Merriam Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary, Tenth Edition, emphasis added). Notice the mention of both ideas and feelings.

Language differences between men and women

Stereotypically, men tend to specialize in head-to-head communication. The emphasis is on information and cognitive content. Logic and factual details are paramount. So it should come as no surprise that our church culture is predominately “left-brained.” Several years ago, the chairman of an educational committee admitted that we have always been good at imparting knowledge, but not so good at reaching the heart.

As a rule, women tend to be more emotionally expressive than men are. Men’s and women’s brains are structured differently, which accounts for much of this emotional dissimilarity.

Our culture has cast men into a tough guy role, suggesting that “real men don’t cry.” For these two reasons women tend to find it easier to cry or act out their emotions. So women usually are more adept at heart-to-heart communication. In other words, men and women tend to speak in two different languages—head-to-head (men) and heart-to-heart (women).

However, lest we overdo the stereotype, let’s remember that all of us (men and women, adults and children) need heart-to-heart communication in certain circumstances in life. Unfortunately, we often receive head-to-head communication instead. For example, when a loved one dies, many people tend to feel helpless because there are no words they can say to change the situation. A heart-to-heart communicator will get to the heart of the matter and offer needed comfort.

Characteristics and differences of the two languages

Head-to-head communication is limited to written and verbal messages. Heart-to-heart communication encompasses a much wider range of nonverbal communication. Touching, smiling, winking, hugging, even silence are all-important forms of meaningful heart-to-heart communication. Job’s friends spent a whole week comforting him without saying a word (Job 2:11-13)! That has to be some kind of record. Unfortunately, they later shifted to a head-to-head language, which was misguided and counterproductive. They engaged in a “fix it” approach, which is another characteristic of head-to-head communication and far more common in men than in women.

Areas of application

Let’s consider some specific areas of application. The differences between these two languages are important in many activities of life.

1.  Communication and leadership

Being bilingual is essential to successful leadership. A leader must understand and be proficient in both head-to-head and heart-to-heart communication. He must know which is needed in what circumstances and be willing and able to engage in the appropriate form of communication.

One of the main differences between a leader and a manager can be stated in terms of the two languages. A leader inspires people to follow him; a manager simply carries out and gives orders. Put another way, a leader communicates heart-to-heart and not just head-to-head. A manager often lacks the capacity to reach the heart.

2.  Expressing empathy and compassion

As Christians, we are expected to be on the giving end when it comes to people’s needs (1 Corinthians 12:25-26, 2 Corinthians 1:3-4, 2 Corinthians 1:3-4). There are a lot of hurting people in our congregations who need heart-to-heart communication. Many ministers and wives are also hurting and desperately need heart-to-heart communication. They must be restored to full emotional health and happiness before they can help members of their congregations with their emotional needs. One simply cannot function well when his or her emotional tank is on empty.

We all know that joy is one of the fruits of the Spirit. Heart-to-heart communication seeks to share that joy with others. The same principle can be applied to all of us as Christians—to seek to promote peace and joy rather than judging, criticizing and condemning.

If most of what we say is to give orders and instructions and point out errors and problems, where is the joy? Instead of limiting communication to factual data, let’s send more messages of love and appreciation. We have so many means of communication at our disposal—telephone, email, fax machines, greeting cards…. The list goes on and on. Of course direct personal contact is even better.

The so-called “golden rule” suggests that we treat others as we would like to be treated. We all want to feel loved and appreciated. We all want to be happy. Proverbs 16:24 tells us, “Kind words are like honey-sweet to the soul and healthy for the body. So, as Paul writes in 1 Thessalonians 5:11, “Therefore comfort each other and edify one another, just as you also are doing.

The more we understand and use both head and heart languages, the more effective we will be in comforting and encouraging others.

3.  Preaching and Teaching

One of the main concepts of speaking that I recall from past training suggests, “Tell them what you’re going to tell them, tell them, then tell them what you told them.” That is great advice for organizing a sermonette or sermon by the deductive method. Organization is very important in head-to-head communication. We all want to communicate with logic and clarity.  

But how many “points” do you remember from previous sermons? If you analyze the sermons you remember, chances are they involved a story that gripped you emotionally. Remember this in teaching opportunities and responsibilities that you have. Speaking head-to-head accomplishes far less than reaching the head through the heart. Tying important points to anecdotes that engage the emotions is a powerful combination that will help us reach our audience far more effectively.

Jesus taught with numerous stories. His listeners, even hostile religious leaders, hung on his every word. The head-to-head method is a legacy from the Greek logic and lecture approach (I Corinthians 1:22, 2:1,4), which the U.S. educational system is modeled after.

There are some who prefer the head-to-head method. But even they would benefit more from elements of both languages.

4.  Marriage and family relationships

We have already discussed the predominant male and female language preferences. Many marriage problems and difficulties result from the language barrier presented by lack of ability to understand and converse in the other mate’s language. Men tend to “translate” heart-to-heart language, which can be very subjective, into objective terms of head-to-head language.

When a woman says, “I wish I were dead!” she is likely to get a lecture from her husband on why she shouldn’t say such things. What she really means is, “I am really discouraged.” What she really needs is his understanding and some reassurance in heart-to-heart language—some time spent in active listening, a hug and words that indicate understanding and concern for her feelings. The problem is that he hears only the words because he is thinking head-to-head. He fails to hear the underlying message because it is not expressed in his native language.

We have often been reminded that active listening is sometimes more effective than any advice we might hastily deal out. James 1:19 verifies this principle. Conveying concern by active listening is an important dimension of the language of the heart.

Dr. Herbert Hoffman, of the psychology department at Queens College in New York, explains, “Men are brought up to repress their emotions, and they are bewildered and feel helpless when confronted by an emotional female” (What Men Hate About Women by C. S. Neile, page 27).

This helpless feeling stems from lack of ability to communicate in the language of feelings. The situation is not unlike someone from the United States trying to talk to someone from another country who doesn’t understand English. So we need to realize the need for “translating” for the sake of effective communication.

Someone should write a dictionary of heart-to-heart terms! Lacking that, women can help their husbands (during more calm times) to understand her terminology. Dr. Hoffman suggests, “A woman should assure her mate that when she cries or lets off steam, he’s not always expected to ‘fix things’” (What Men Hate About Women by C. S. Neile, page 27).

I think it is fair to say that head-to-head language is easier to interpret than heart-to-heart language. Maybe that’s just because I am a man. But the more we can learn each other’s language, the better we can understand and help each other through the challenges and problems of life that we face together.

Children also need to be reached heart-to-heart and not just head-to-head. Feeling loved, appreciated and capable is vitally important to the development of their identity and sense of worth (Ephesians 6:4, Colossians 3:21).

5.  On the job

Happy employees work harder for their company than unhappy employees. The most successful companies are those who tend to the emotional needs of their employees. This means heart-to-heart communication, not just head-to-head.  If you are blessed with an employer or supervisor who is encouraging, count your blessings and be sure to thank and praise him for his kindness. But if you have a difficult person to work for, remember to set the right example (1 Peter 2:18).

6.  Understanding and managing our own emotions

Understanding emotions is relatively new to our culture. In our past church culture, some have pooh-poohed the importance of feelings and subordinated them to performance. Many books have recently been written about “feelings.” But the fact that so many people use the terms “I think” and “I feel” interchangeably reveals a lack of understanding the difference between thoughts and feelings. It is no wonder that meaningful heart-to-heart communication is often lacking—in the church as well as in the outside world. We must first understand the role emotions play in our lives before we can speak the language of the heart. That’s another whole topic in itself.

7.  Our relationship with God

So often physical details of performance are emphasized without sufficient concern for matters of the heart.  The heartless legalism of the Scribes and Pharisees was a performance-based religion (Matthew 23:1-4). Jesus’ ministry emphasized the needs of the heart (Luke 4:18, Matthew 11:28). God is certainly concerned with our performance and our thoughts. But even more, He is concerned with our heart, because that is the source of our commitment and motivation.

We are all familiar with the famous passage, “For the LORD does not see as man sees; for man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart” (I Samuel 16:7). The downside of this passage speaks to the predominant failure of mankind to relate to each other heart-to-heart. As we gain more of the mind of Christ, we will seek to improve our heart-to-heart communication in every area of our lives.

As stated at the outset, it isn’t possible cover this topic in great detail in one sermon, nor am I an expert in heart-to-heart communication. We all have much to learn in this area. Let’s think about our language—with our spouse, with our children, to fellow members, between employees and employers, in our conversations with others, and even in our prayers.
    
If we all concentrate on communicating love and appreciation in all our relationships, we can all benefit from the process. Let’s learn more about communicating heart-to-heart and not just head-to-head and seek to implement what we learn in every area of our lives for the benefit of everyone, including ourselves.