Family Communication

So, the title of the sermon today, Interpersonal and Family Communication. One of the most common complaints I hear with regard to family problems is a lack of communication. In various research articles, generally the three top things that cause divorce are lack of communication, whatever all that means, finances, and problems with sexual relationships. So, today we're going to focus on what many identify as the number one cause of marital problems, and oftentimes, dissolution of marriage. To begin with, let's define communication. What is communication? Communication involves at least the two parties, the conveyor of the message, the one who is doing the quote communicating either through speech or writing, or through sign language, or whatever form it might be, and the recipient, what we call the listener. The Bible has something to say about this. Let's look at James 1.19 and James 1.19. James 1.19. Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear. We could all ask ourselves, are we good listeners? I remember as a freshman in college, the first time around that they called me a freshman, they gave us listening comprehension tests to see how well we listened. And it's amazing how little some people really listen, and how much they really do comprehend from the spoken word. So, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath. For the wrath of man works not the righteousness of God. So, there is the speaker and there is the listener. Broadly speaking, communication involves talking to someone in speech or writing, in which you exchange thoughts, feelings, and information. And one of the big components of communication, of course, has to do with feelings, with emotion. Some researchers believe that nonverbal communication is more powerful than the spoken word, especially when it comes to conveying emotion. And the intonation of the voice is also a powerful conveyor of emotions. How do you say it? So, we could conclude that nonverbal communication reveals the emotion behind the words. And it could be through the body language, the face, the eyes. It can be through the intonation of the voice. The nonverbal part can come in several different ways. You know, you've heard the expression, if looks could kill you, I'd be dead.

So, we should never underestimate the power of communication. Historically, political and religious leaders have control information and communication in order to control the masses. Now, with the advent of the internet, information has been what has been termed by Friedman in his book, The Lexus and the Ollie Tree, and many others have taken up on this. And of course, it's a truism that information has been democratized. In other words, information is now available to everyone who has a computer and access to the internet. I read where there are more people on the internet in China than there are people living in the United States. So, over 300 million people on the internet in China. And of course, I think over 50% of the people in America are on the internet. So, people have access to information that they used to not have. You have all these bloggers and all these people who are digging up information that heretofore was the domain of the leadership and certain elite in the media. And of course, that's one of the reasons why it is far more difficult for legislation like, for example, they're talking about the health care bill now in which they're having the town hall meetings and people are getting very upset because they're against this. And of course, if you harken back to just, well, what was it? Maybe two years ago, where President Bush was advocating the immigration reform bill that was being sponsored by Ted Kennedy and John McCain. And because of public information and reaction, that bill died a death. Never really came to a vote. Same thing might be true. Of course, I think this health care thing might go with great modification, but we'll just have to wait and see. So today, almost all media are forms of propaganda in which the medium attempts to influence and control public opinion. Our age could be called the age of propaganda. Your challenge on every front to sort out truth from error. Politicians, religious leaders, advertisers, corporations, spend exorbitant sums of money trying to build their image and to persuade you through the power of the media. All kinds of tricks and gimmicks are being employed. So how does God view communication? How important is communication to God? Let's notice Hebrews 13, just back a page or so from James 1, Hebrews 13. In Hebrews 13, in verse 15, by Him, that is through Christ, by Him therefore let us offer the sacrifice of praise to God continually, that is the fruit of our lips giving thanks to His name. It is through the fruit of our lips that we communicate. And notice how he views it, verse 16, but to do good and to communicate forget not, for with such sacrifices God is well pleased. So communication is viewed by God as a sacrifice. Now forward to 1 Peter chapter 2 and verse 3. 1 Peter chapter 2 verse 3.

If so be we have tasted that the Lord is gracious, to whom coming as unto a living stone, disallowed indeed of men, speaking of Christ, but chosen of God and precious, we also as living stones are built up in spiritual house and holy priesthood to offer up spiritual sacrifices acceptable to God by Jesus Christ. Under the terms of the Old Covenant, they offered animal sacrifices of all various sorts for various things.

Today we're instructed to offer spiritual sacrifices, and we just read from Hebrews 13 verse 16 that God views communication, the fruit of our lips, and praising his name, talking to him as a sacrifice. And this sacrifice is also applicable when it comes to interpersonal communication and family communication as well. Let's go to Proverbs 18 verse 21. Proverbs 18 and verse 21. How much power is there in communication? In Proverbs 18 and verse 21, death and life are in the power of the tongue, and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof.

If you want to live by the tongue and the fruit of your lips, just remember what goes around comes round. We see that in the interactions of people in the church from the highest levels to the lowest level, sadly. What goes round comes round. Death and life are in the power of the tongue. Proverbs 12 verse 25. Proverbs 12 verse 25. Happiness in the heart of man makes it stoop, but a good word makes it glad. You can change my world, and I can change your world, and we can change one another's world through the power of the spoken word.

We have that power within each one of us, the fruit of our lips. So why don't we communicate? Why don't we offer up spiritual sacrifices? Well, one thing has to do with personality differences. Some people are quiet by nature. They just don't talk a lot. I am somewhat that way. I'm not a good conversationist, I would say, depending on the situation. You know, my dad, you could sit with him, and if you get three or four grunts in two or three hours, that's pretty good.

He's really communicating. Now, if you get on a topic that he really is interested in, he'll let go, or would let go, and he'd talk about it. So some people are talkative by nature and quiet. Some others are very talkative, and sometimes you wish you just had a knob that you could just turn them off, but especially when you're riding in a car. The only thing worse than that, in riding in a car, is people are chewing gum and popping it.

And the second worst is somebody who whistles in a car as you're riding along. But those kinds of communication are quite annoying. So there really is no excuse. Let's notice Christ's example with regard to him communicating with the disciples in John 15 and John 15 and verse 13. John 15 verse 13. "...greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends." Now, that's sacrificial love, and we're talking about offering up spiritual sacrifices.

We have read that God is well pleased with communication, the fruit of our lips, communication with him, and obviously we need to communicate with one another, and especially within the family unit. "...you are my friends, if you do whatsoever I command you. Henceforth I call you not servants, for the servant knows not what his Lord does, but I have called you friends for all things." How good a communicator is the Word, the one who became Jesus Christ?

"...for all things that I've heard of my Father, I have made known unto you." So, Jesus Christ is a super communicator, and we're told to follow his example to walk in his steps. And this is a part of sacrificial love, laying down our lives, one for another. Research shows that the principal way that a person perceives love from another person is simply to say, I love you. We just had our youngest daughter spend 10 days with us in the house, and she's got this one down pat. Her husband called about 10 times a day, and every time it was I love you.

When we go to bed at night, she's I love you, and I love you, and that is well reinforcing her. Our older daughter, oldest daughter, we only have two, she's not like that. You know she loves just as deeply, but she doesn't express it that way. But it is, I think, a very good trait to have. Men seem to have more problems with this, that is just simply say, I love you than women have with it.

Communication, as we've seen, is so very important to God, so we need to love as Christ gave commandment. Most speak one with another and communicate. I'm sorry, we must learn to communicate with one another and be willing to become living sacrifices, as it says in Romans 12.1.

Another reason for lack of communication, you got the personality thing, if there's some quiet people, there's some that are really talkative, is it has to do with the mood or the spirit of a person.

Let's talk a moment about a mood or a spirit of a person. A mood is a pervading frame of mind, a state of being, disposition or emotional feeling. A mood is sort of like, how do I feel inside? Sometimes we might call mood attitude. And sometimes people would come to the door of their boss and they would ask the secretary, I'm sure they still do this, well, is he in a good mood today? You know, can I really talk with him today or is he in a foul mood? One of the things, if you want to read a study about a man, of course, the book of Daniel, where it talks about that Daniel was a man of an excellent spirit. And of course, a lot of these leaders that Daniel dealt with were, they were up and down. Saul was a person who was up and down in his mood. And especially after Samuel came, as you heard in the sermonette, Samuel told him that his kingdom would be taken away from him. So mood has a lot to do with whether or not you're going to communicate. So let's notice Proverbs 1632 about controlling mood, controlling spirit. The Bible talks a great deal about the moods of the spirit. It talks about an upright spirit, a wounded spirit, a revived spirit, a hardened spirit. Proverbs 1632, He that is slow to anger is better than the mighty. He that rules his spirit than he that takes a city. You want to be known as a great conqueror? Then control your attitude, control your mood, control your spirit. It's a very difficult thing to do, especially for a lot of people. Proverbs 25 verse 28. Proverbs 25 verse 28.

He that hath no rule over his own spirit is like a city that is broken down and without walls. It's just not a very desirable place to be. It's not a very desirable place to be around a person who has no control over his spirit. So how can we control and develop the proper mood or spirit for communication? Well, number one, contact with God. Contact communication with God. Hide the Word of God in your heart, as it says in Psalm 119 verses 10 and 11. The second thing is what some call perception sensitivity. Perception sensitivity. Perception sensitivity is how you view life and people. You can view life from God's perspective or from man's perspective. If you view a person from man's perspective, he will be a threat to you. If you view him from God's perspective, you will see a person with needs which must be met. So perception sensitivity has to do with discerning what the other person is feeling and to some degree trying to be in tune with what they're feeling and thinking. So the third thing, we got contact with God. Perception sensitivity. Just be aware of that and then to actually discern another person's spirit. It's a sensitivity or an insensitivity to your mate, to your children, your neighbor. And the second great commandment is to love your neighbor as yourself. One of the gifts of the spirit is discernment. Let's turn and read that in 1 Corinthians chapter 12. The gifts of the spirit are listed there.

In verse 10, 1 Corinthians 12.10, to another the working of miracles, to another prophecy, to another discerning of spirits, to another different kinds of tongues, to another interpretation of tongues. So to discern how the other person is feeling. And then motivation. Why do you do what you do? God does what he does because he's love. The opposite is doing what you do for yourself. For God to love the world. And we can complete the verse. 1 John 4.8, 1 John 4.16. God is love. Love is the most powerful motivating force in the universe. So the summary, the key to developing the proper mood and spirit is contact with God, hiding his word and spirit in your heart and having perception, sensitivity, and discernment for the other person and the proper motivation of why you're doing this communication and how you're doing it. The spirit or mood of a person will show whether or not he's in contact with God and motivated by God's spirit. If we're motivated by God's spirit, it seems that we would exhibit the fruits of God's spirit. So contact with God affects perception, whether you view life from God's perspective or man's perspective. In turn, how you perceive life directly affects motivation, your goals, your motives, and your desires. To some degree, all of these flow from the spirit or the mood or the disposition of a person, what is really in their heart. Communication can break down if any of these are lacking. So we want to make sure we have contact with God, that we have perception, sensitivity, that we have discernment, we have the right motivation.

One researcher identified five levels of communication, and I want to identify these right here and comment on this to some degree. I think this is so very descriptive and accurate for the most part. Level one, this level is the lowest level of communication and openness. Communication at this level is somewhat accidental at best. It consists of surface conversation such as, how are you? It's good to see you. How's your work? Naturally, nobody really wants to answer these questions other than a similar surface response. So you walk in the door and you know you have to start somewhere with a conversation. You can't disagree to a person and say, well what are your deepest thoughts today? That probably won't get very deep with that.

He says, actually this is non-communication. There's no sharing of the inner person or personness, as he calls it. Everyone remains safe in isolation of his pretense. The whole group seems together to be lonely. I don't know what he means by that.

Level two, communication on this level does not penetrate the surface relationship. This is reporting the facts. The Sergeant Friday approached just the facts, ma'am. It's just that more information is passed back and forth than in the use of cliches. Instead of any self-disclosure, there's reporting on others. Just as we hide behind cliches, so we also hide behind gossip, conversation, a little narration, and talking about others. On this level, nothing is given of ourselves and nothing from others is drawn out. It's the facts about something or something else apart from us.

Level three, thoughts and judgments. At this level, there is some communication of the inner person, even though we may share ideas, judgments, and decisions. There is strict censorship, as John Powell expresses it. As I communicate my ideas, I will be watching you carefully. I want to test the temperature of the water before I leap in. I want to be sure that you will accept me with my ideas, judgments, and decisions. If you raise your eyebrow or narrow your eyes, if you yawn or look at your watch, I will probably retreat to safer ground. So people are looking for these nonverbal cues when we're talking with them. I will run for the cover of silence or change the subject of conversation. Or worse, I will start to say things I suspect that you want me to say. I will try to be what pleases you. Level four has to do with relating feelings. At level four, we relate much deeper and much closer to the real me. It's a shift from the head to the heart, feelings and emotions. These feelings are uniquely, personally, mine. They compose the heart behind my ideas, judgments, and decisions. Honesty is most difficult at this level. The temptation is to be dishonest on the grounds that it might hurt others. But real growth can take place at this level if communication is honest and open. You know at this level, most people are hesitant to even get to level four, much less level five. Because what is the main reason why? Because you are afraid. And I certainly would put myself in that because I've experienced it because you are afraid of being wrongly judged. People are oftentimes condemned for their feelings and they're judged. Maybe they shouldn't have the feelings that they have, but that's the feelings that they have. And oftentimes, when a wife tries to explain to her husband her feelings, he almost very often is tempted to say, well, why do you feel that way? Or you shouldn't feel that way. You know, I've been hesitant to talk about my life, especially with church people, and hesitant to even give an icebreaker and really get down to what you might say makes me tick because anything you say can and will be used against you.

And we have difficulty in getting past that. And it is with some cause that we might tend to feel that way. So, to really communicate, feelings have to get out in the open. They have to be examined. And usually, people want to at least come to the point where you can somewhat objectively talk about where each party is coming from.

And then, there is what this author calls the intimacy level, gut level communication, complete emotional and personal communion. It's the celebration of intimacy, he writes. The celebration of us. At this level, we share together, care together, laugh and cry together like two musical instruments playing exactly the same note in unison or in harmony. It's the miracle of interdependence at its peak.

So, one of the reasons why people become so emotionally entwined with another person. We used to talk to freshmen in college about when you began to share your feelings that way at that level with another person, you are prone to become emotionally intertwined. And so, you have to be careful. So, a lot of people, quote, fall in love through gut level communication who probably shouldn't have fallen in love. There they are, and they are intertwined emotionally. So, you have to be careful about gut level communication. But on the other hand, gut level communication with your mate is something, it seems to me, that we would want to strive for. Now, we're going to examine some rules of communication. Rule number one, remember that actions speak louder than words.

Nonverbal communication is more powerful than verbal communication, especially in conveying emotion.

And it's very powerful with children. Children tend to learn method, not content. In other words, they learn to do it the way you do it. So, you tell your child, pick up your coloring books, pick up your toys, put them in the box. But yet, he may go into the bedroom and see daddy's clothes all over the place, or mommy's clothes. And he may go into the den, and there's the beer can, there's a newspaper, there's Sports Illustrated, there's whatever it is. And so, mommy and daddy are not picking up after themselves, but I'm supposed to pick up after myself. So, one of the things you need to do is make sure that some great revelation here, practice what you preach. If you're going to ask it of your children, obviously you should do it yourself. So, remember that actions speak louder than words, and actions are probably the greatest communication, especially with children.

The second rule is learn to listen. We've already talked about that sound. James 1.19, my brother, and let every person be slow to speak and quick to hear, quick to listen.

And some people just learn to tune out their mate. As soon as the mate starts talking, they tune him out. Or, when their children start talking, they tune him out. What if, when we went before the throne of God in our prayers and said, our Father who art in heaven? By the way, that's the way you should start a prayer, generally speaking. As Christ gave us an example, our Father who art in heaven, and he says, what? Oh no, Him again? Now it's the dumping time. I've heard this many times. Of course, then you got the example of the importunist widow. But just saying, what if God didn't really listen to us? Our Father in heaven. He does listen. He's concerned. The hairs on her head are numbered. Not a sparrow falls aground unless he's aware of it, according to the Bible. So learn to listen, and listen with purpose, and listen with feedback. That's so important. You know, he just said, I know what you are. But there's never any feedback that goes with it. So that you do you understand what the person is talking about, so that there is quote communication. It takes once again, it takes two people to have communication. Third rule, define what is important and stress it. Define what is unimportant and ignore it. Usually, the people who violate this rule are faultfinders. They behave as if every little thing which is not to their liking is highly important and thus in need of correction. You would go to Matthew 23, 23. Matthew 23, 23, the weightier matters of the law. The scribes in the Pharisees, they emphasized the least important matters in the law. Christ says, well, you should have done these, but it's more important to do the weightier matters of the law. They wanted to look good in the eyes of men. They wanted to clean up the outside and let the inside go. It's more important to clean up the inside than it is the outside because the inside, as Christ talks about in Mark, out of it flow the great issues of life. It says that in Proverbs. Matthew 23, 23, 1, you scribes Pharisees, hypocrites, you pay tithe of mid-annas and come and have omitted the weightier matters of the law, judgment, mercy, and faith. These ought you to have done and not to leave the other undone. So define what is important. What is important in your household? What is important in your relationship?

Well, on the more important things, don't make, as they say, mountains out of molehills. Now, on the other hand, don't be afraid to correct. So you have to have a balance in this. Let's go to Proverbs 27 and verse 5. This ties in with another rule that we're going to talk about. In Proverbs 27 and verse 5, we'd probably all do well to spend some time with this verse.

In Proverbs 27 verse 5, hope and rebuke is better than secret love. You know, it's, give me the flowers while I live. You ever notice how much better a person gets when he retires or dies? I mean, they get a lot better. I mean, they're next to God when they retire or die. But now is the time to give the flowers, to give the accolades, because in the grave, we don't know anything. I guess at the resurrection, we could ask, hey, did you bring flowers and put them on my casket or some place around in the room? But now is the time. And it says that open rebuke is better than secret love. Let's go back to Proverbs 17 verse 9.

Proverbs 17 9, he that covers a transgression seeks love. So you don't go around telling everybody's faults and correcting every little thing. But the weightier matters, those matters that are a matter of life and death, those things that would cause a person to lose out on salvation.

But he that repeats a matter separates very friends. And of course, you're supposed to go to the person, first of all, before you go to someone else. Now, how important is this of confronting those things that are important? Go to Hebrews 12 and verse 6, because this too is a great expression of love. And it's one of the reasons why we have, I'm quite sure, one of the reasons. I don't know how many reasons they are, but, you know, this week, once again, we had a mass killing in the United States where this man who hadn't had a date in a number of years, and he got angry with women. So he goes to this health club and fires, turns out the light and fires 50 rounds. I know three people are dead. I think a fourth one died and some nine or ten are injured. And they begin to talk about his life. People have been so separated from their feelings, have not been taught right from wrong, have not been confronted on that which is important. They wind up feeling like there's no hope for them and no love, and I'm not a Freudian trying to excuse it. But there are reasons why people do what they do, and we are beginning to see more and more the fruit of our ways when it comes to child rearing. Those of you who think that you can smooth talk your children into perfect obedience, I think you've got another thought coming. That's not what the Bible talks about. It talks about both, that is, bringing them up in the fear and admonition, the nurture, which means the discipline, which discipline actually in that sense means the teaching. And if you do not conform to the teaching, then it has to be brought to a person's attention. Hebrews 12.6, For whom the Lord loves, he chases. But we're more righteous than God. You know, God, what is he doing? Is he twisting and bending our personalities so that we will be so irreparably damaged in our psyche that we can't do anything? You know, this harsh God who chastens every son that he loves. We're more righteous than God. We've learned that it's better not to do that. Now, I don't think we've learned much at all if that's what we think. For whom the Lord loves, he chastens. And he scourges every son whom he receives. If you endure chastening, God deals with you as with sons. For what son is he whom the Father chastens not? If you be without chastisement. In other words, if you haven't had the discipline, the love, the nurturing. Wherewith, we're all partakers. I mean, we've all need it.

I mean, human nature has not changed since Jeremiah 17.9 was written over Romans 8.7. We are born morally illiterate. And we have to be taught. And it's up to the parents mainly to teach them, especially in this world. If you be without chastisement, we've all needed it. My translation, we're of all your partakers. Then are you illegitimate and not sons? In other words, you're not really loved. Furthermore, we've had fathers of our flesh, which corrected us, and we gave them reverence. Shall we not much rather be in subjection than the father of spirits and live? For they verily for a few days chasten us after their own pleasure, but for our own profit that we might be partakers of his holiness. No chastening for the present seems to be joyous but grievous. Nevertheless, afterward it yields a peaceable fruit of righteousness unto them which are exercised thereby. There is nothing like loving parents who are able to administer the teaching and the discipline and the correction as needed, just as a loving God does with us. But be sure that you don't waste your time on trivial matters. If you do that, you create resentment. You create hurt. If you're reasonable with your criticisms, with your corrections, whether it be with a mate or whether it be with your children, then you have a much better chance of being heard and understood, even when there is disagreement among you. So, once again, define what is important, stress it, define what is unimportant, and ignore it. Rule four, make your communication as realistically positive as possible. You might say, well, I've never seen them do anything that I could praise. So how can I praise if there's nothing to praise? And, of course, you don't want to be hypocritical and to praise things that are not praiseworthy. But one of the principal goals of communication is to edify. Let's go to 1 Corinthians chapter 14 and verse 12, where Paul continues. Actually, 1 Corinthians 14 is a continuation of 1 Corinthians 12. 1 Corinthians 12 dwells on and deals with spiritual gifts. 1 Corinthians 13 is an insect chapter showing you the more excellent way. It is more excellent than all the gifts. Then in chapter 14, Paul comes back to spiritual gifts. 2 Corinthians 13 follows after charity, agape, desires spiritual gifts, but rather that you may prophesy. For he that speaks in an unknown language speaks not unto men, but unto God. For no man understands him, how be it in the spirit he speaks mysteries. But he that prophesies speaks unto men to edification. So here should be a great goal of communication. Unto edification, unto exhortation, and comfort.

So if the words of our mouth convey this exhortation, edification, and comfort. One of the things, if you'll turn to Psalm 19 verse 14, back when I first started listening to the world tomorrow and was being called, I was teaching school. And I cut this verse out of the newspaper, and I put it on my desk. And I would say that I made more progress, probably during that year or two, than any other time in my life. Though I was yet far from being converted and receiving God's Spirit, even though I was teaching Sunday School and BTU and all that. But Psalm 19 and verse 14, let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O Lord, my strength and my Redeemer. Does it edify? Does it exhort? Does it comfort? So make your communication as realistically positive as possible.

And you say, how can I praise if there's no accomplishment?

Here are some things to consider. People's behavior does change from day to day. You can always find fault. The question is, do you ever find anything good?

Consider past performance. Is there improvement? Not necessarily perfection, but you know, I've noticed that you have, you fill in the blank. You've improved in this area. And people can see through insincerity. If you consider past performances, you can usually find something positive. People tend to live up to expectations set for them. Dr. Torrance, many of you know who were ambassador. He was a registrar for years. Dr. Torrance is a living legend. He was a man who had nine lives. I remember one time I went in and anointed him after an automobile accident. At every place on his body, I found one little place where I could get skin to skin and went out and anointed him. And he lived through that, came through it fine. He was on the Bataan death march and almost starved to death, of course, in World War II.

But he had this saying, a student will go as high as you can kick him. So he was joking, of course. But to a large degree, we can go as high as our expectation. You read the biographies of some of the great athletes, and they talk about, maybe I know Jerry Lucas talks about a junior high coach who set high expectations for him, and that he would be a great star in basketball. And of course, he went on to Ohio State and to the NBA. And there are many, many stories like that of you can set expectations for people, and they will, in many cases, strive to live up to them. So expect success, not failure. Romans 835. Romans 835. You know, of all the memory scriptures, this probably should be in the top ten.

Who can separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation or distress or persecution or famine or peril or sword or nakedness?

Verse 37, all these things were more than conquerors. Then you look at 31, they introduced this. If God be for us, who can be against us? So the fear that a person will stop trying when they meet your standard is unfounded. People do oftentimes try to live up to expectations, especially young people. Rule 5. Be clear and specific in your communication. God has clearly told us what He expects of us.

He gave us clearly the Ten Commandments, and in addition to the law, we have the prophets, the writings, and then the amplification of the law in the New Testament. Clear and specific in your communication.

Now, let's example. The commitment I'll try or I'll try harder next time is laudable and well-intentioned.

However, it is of little value unless it is defined in specific terms because of two reasons. Most people feel like they feel already like they're trying. Secondly, what is seen as trying by one person may not be accepted as trying by another. So the commitment and being clear and specific in your communication would be something like this. I will get up at 7.30 from now on. There's no equivocation there. Or I will call you if I'm going to be more than one half hour late. Of course, that's a big complaint of a lot of wives and parents with regard to husbands and children.

I will clean the garage tomorrow morning right after breakfast.

Not one of these days. I'm going to clean out that garage. Rule 6. Be realistic and reasonable in your statements.

We get down to one of the really nitty-gritty areas. Why do you never clean up after yourself? Never, every, ever, and always are great enemies of communication. As I say, never is a long time. And so is ever. You never, you never, and you fill in the blank. And you always respond that way. And every time I say that, you come back with this. And don't you ever say that to me again.

Never, ever, ever, and always. If you continually communicate in this manner, the other person will come to view you as unreasonable, unfair, because you always exaggerate the situation.

Another thing is, that has caused the person to think what's the use of trying. I can never please them. So be realistic. Try to avoid never and always. Test all your assumptions verbally. Get your mate. This is Rule 7. Test all your assumptions verbally. Get your mates and others counsel when or before you act. I didn't think you'd mind if I bought a new car. Seek counsel and especially talk the situation over with those involved before you act.

Even with children. You know, throwing away things. My wife has gotten onto me quite heavily at times for throwing away a few things that she thought. And we are the greatest pack rats, I think. Though, having had 36 addresses in the two years that we've been married is quite a lot of collection that we have. But anyhow, we are familiar with this principle.

Seek counsel. Remember that one of the three top causes for dissolution of marriage is financial. Financial disclosure is one of the biggest problems for males. They know they are responsible. They don't want their wives to worry. So a man likes to feel like he is responsible. I can handle this. I don't want to look bad. We had all these dreams before marriage. Financial security. Now we can't pay the bills. We're living hand-to-mouth. So the husband rationalizes, I won't worry my wife, but she needs to know the financial status. And her name is on the line. If you die, they're going to come looking for her.

Notice Proverbs 11.4. Proverbs 11 and verse 4.

There have been a lot of situations of marriage that have dissolved. And I know about it quite intimately from various couples in which oftentimes the wife, the female, is left holding the bag. And she's the one who feels that she is duty-bound to pay off their debts.

Whereas Texas is a community property state that is jointly owned. And really, at worst, it should be 50-50 in paying off their debts. And oftentimes, the mate who runs off is the one who misused the credit cards, who got the family into debt, but then leaves the wife holding the bag.

Proverbs 11.4. Riches profit not in the day of wrath, but righteousness delivers from death. You know, if you do the right thing and you take care of your wife and your finances in a way of open disclosure, you're both in it together. And you've talked it over, and you know where you stand.

The next rule, recognize that each event can be seen from different points of view. Each event can be seen from different points of view. Let's go to Proverbs 14 and verse 12. Proverbs 14 and verse 12.

There's a way which seems right unto a man, but the end thereof are the ways of death. You see it one way, I see it another. She sees it one way, you see it another.

It may seem right to you and be totally wrong, as it says here. The ways of a man seems right in his own eyes.

So, you have to really understand that it can be seen from different points of view.

The big test is, how does God view it? How does God view the situation? Let's go to 2 Corinthians chapter 10, verse 3.

These verses here are of great consolation to so many people who have had difficulties, strongholds getting on their minds, and something seeming like that it's a reality, but it's really not.

And what we should do. In 2 Corinthians 10, 3, For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war after the flesh. The weapons of our warfare are not carnal, fleshly, but mighty through God, to the pulling down of strongholds. Strongholds are those things that come on your mind and grip your mind, and you can be so convinced that you are right, or you can even come to the point that you are paranoid and you think this or that or the other, about your mate or about somebody else. And it's really not true at all.

God says that the weapons of our warfare are mighty to the pulling down of strongholds. In other words, believe God. You know, Satan wants you to believe that the way is too hard. It's hopeless. You can't really overcome, but you can, casting down imaginations, every high thing that adults itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ, and having in a readiness to revenge all disobedience. You just don't want any part of it when your obedience is fulfilled.

So recognize that you can see things from a different point of view, but the bottom line is, how does God view it? And what does God think about it? Next rule, recognize that your family members are experts on you and your behavior. I'm not angry, slam bang, slam the door, raise the voice.

Don't deny how you come across other people. Take their criticism seriously and determine what you can do to correct your behavior instead of defending yourself. Family members are experts on your behavior. There are a lot of people who look very good in the eyes of others, some who even attend church, and you would think that they are the epitome of joyful cheerfulness within the home. But in the home, they are quite different than they are in public.

If a man cares not for his own, he's worse than an infidel and deny the world. It's more important what people think about you, God and Christ first, your family next, and then it goes from there. It's far more important what God and your family think than what anybody else thinks about you. Next one, be open and honest about your feelings. Bring up significant problems, even if you're afraid that doing so will disturb your partner. In other words, don't walk on the proverbial eggshells. Don't leave a significant problem or concern unresolved. It's similar to leaving an infection untreated. The problem will not go away. To the contrary, just like an infection, it will fester, it will grow, it will pus up, the dead white corpuscles will come there, it will look ugly, and so it is with a problem that you refuse to address.

Where to become living sacrifices. Walking on eggshells is often confused with tactfulness. Although, in a certain sense, it is almost always the opposite. Walking on eggshells implies I did not trust your ability to handle a sincere comment, and I fear that you will react negatively, and therefore, I will not tell you. In other words, the anticipated negative reaction through whatever it is, is used as an excuse for not being open and sincere. So walking on eggshells is, in effect, contempt for your partner. You don't trust them, you don't trust them, therefore you're going to withhold your feelings, and you'll just continue to play the game. Romans 12.1 It's about the fourth time I refer to this concept.

I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that you present your bodies a living sacrifice. Now, being a living sacrifice does not mean that you let everybody run over you, and that you refuse to face that which is digging at your very inner core and the very essence of your being.

Face it!

Present your bodies a living sacrifice, wholly acceptable unto God, which is your reasonable service.

And remember that communication is counted as a sacrifice in the sight of God. So, face it!

Suppose a family member perceives a remark that you've made to be insulting. You reply, it wasn't insulting at all. I just meant such and such. Why do you always read things into everything I say? Everything is another word that's good to be avoided most time. So, remember, family members are experts in your behavior. The effect is what is important. Do they really feel that way?

Be realistic. Don't exaggerate. Better response to say, I'm sorry that I said that.

Because in a lot of cases, there's just no defense for it. Next, express your positive feelings in both actions and words. But your negative feelings only in words.

Sometimes people just get so mad, so angry, that not only do they lash out with words, but they lash out physically. And they begin to hit their partner, to slap them, to abuse them. I just saw parts of a movie this past week on the life of Tina Turner. Tina and Ike Turner. He beat that poor girl to a pulp so many times before she finally got up the courage to leave him. And to start her life on her own.

So, express positive feelings in words, but your negative feelings only in words at most. Listen to negative feelings expressed by another person, but not necessarily in action. This is important to children. Children to not lash out at children and hit them or punish them in anger. Children often complain that their parents don't understand them. That's one of the age-old complaints, and especially it has been heightened in recent decades.

When children are questioned oftentimes about the ins and outs of their parents don't understand them, usually it gets down to, well, they don't let me do what everybody else is doing. You know, the great equalizer, as it was, with a lot of children, when they ask their parents if they can get a driver's license at a young age, can they get a car at a young age, can they start dating at age 13, as I saw kids doing in Walmart this week. You're obviously prepared off and lovey-dovey with each other. In television programs now, what I saw this week, the leader line, I didn't see it, but the leader line was, is 14 too young to be sexually active? Well, these 14-year-olds think that it is not. Everybody else is doing it. What is it? Of course, it says in Matthew 24, because iniquity shall abound, the love of many shall wax cold. That means, in common terms, everybody else is doing it, so I'm going to do it too. It must be all right. It is very important for parents and children, instead of differentiating between understandings, feelings, and accepting actions, not to hide behind the current universal excuse for poor or destructive communication called the generation gap. Oh, you don't understand me! So, differentiate between understanding and feelings.

Children oftentimes claim that parents don't understand them, and when all is said and done, it comes down to, well, they don't let me do what I want to do when I want to do it. And so, you have this catch-22 in today's world in which the peer pressure is so great, that a lot of these children just break and they run away because they can't cope.

They can't cope with the pressure that's on them, and they just feel that they had rather be with the peer group and rather please them go through the agony that they have to go through if they don't go along with the peer group. And I'm just telling you, the communication that you have with your children in this world is so vitally important. Vitally important. And it is okay to say no. And you don't care if everybody else is doing it, whatever it is. If it is right, it's right. If it's not, it's not.

The last one we'll talk about, talk to others as you would like to be talked to. This says it within itself.

Talk to others as you would like to be talked to. Sincerity. And specifically admit one's own contributions to creating a problem as in, I'm sorry I was rude. It was my mistake. Will you please forgive me?

Sincerity is paramount in importance. However, an insincere admission is of no value. It has to come from the heart. So, brethren, I hope you have a little bit better grasp of the importance of communication, how God views communication. He views it as a sacrifice. Let us offer up the fruit of our lips. Let us not be moved by our personality, our mood, or any other excuse that we have or we can come up with not to communicate with us. Once again, God counts it as a sacrifice. It carries the power of life and death, the power of life and death according to the Bibles and the power of the tongue. God communicates to us. We have His Word. He's clear. He's specific. He is consistent. He's merciful. He's gracious. He's slow to anger. He's plenteous in mercy. He forgives us. He's continually aware of us. He discerns. He has great perception, sensitivity.

He expects us to communicate with Him and others. So, brethren, less began to communicate in the way that God gave commandment, and less become living sacrifices.