A Lesson in Conflict Resolution

Back in high school, you probably had the same experience as I did in some of the classes that you took.

One of the classes I actually kind of enjoyed English during the high school years.

I kind of liked the grammar, and I liked doing all that stuff and mapping out sentences and all those things.

And of course, part of English class is literature. And you always read a novel, a classic novel.

One of the things that I can't say I liked that much, but I learned how to do it, was that when you would read these novels, the teacher would want you to analyze what is it that the author meant.

And you'd have to dig apart the thing and say, well, he was making a statement on this that was going on in society that time, and this is the meaning for us in this book, and this is what we have to do.

It seemed kind of tedious to me. When you got into college, part of the requirements there was that you had to take two of those type classes.

And it was nonstop. Professors get even more intense than high school teachers do.

You just found yourself analyzing every word and just coming up with things and writing papers.

I often found myself thinking, did that author really have this in mind when he was writing this?

Or was he just writing a story and we're all just sitting here spinning our wheels and making something out of nothing?

But analysis of those things and looking into the culture of that time kind of helps you to see that, yes, indeed, if we were going to write a novel, we would probably be building in some of the things in our society that we do.

If the world is around 100 years from now and we had a novel published, they may look at our novel and say, well, this is what the world was like at that time. And if the author was making a comment on that, or if that was just kind of the norms of that time or the things that he saw changing.

What was interesting to me is, as I got older, not when I was in college, is that of all the books that we read and all the classical literature, the Bible was never one of those things that people analyzed.

They never looked at the Bible and said, what can we learn from the Bible?

What does the Bible say that we could apply into our lives today? What does it say about the time that this person wrote this book in the Old Testament?

Or what does it say about the time when Paul wrote these epistles here in the New Testament? That was never came about.

And as our kids got into college, and I learned more about what professors do, I mean, they would kind of escalate these books, these classic books of literature, that this is where the truths of the world are. These are where the hidden truths are, and this is what we should be looking.

And people would come up with authors that they just think, oh, these people really had insight.

And if we would follow what their principles were, we would all be better off.

But at the same time, they just kind of write the Bible off as just a dice group of stories and kind of a book this antiquated, and you don't have to pay much attention to.

So I was interested in my attention and my ire a little bit when I read the thing in the prophetic news last week, that I put in last week's Friday letter about the British society that polled 20,000 adults and asked them about what they thought about the Bible.

And of all the 20,000 church-going Bible understanding, I guess, adults, if they ask, only 18% said the Bible had any relevance for them in their personal lives.

And I thought, well, that is a very sad statement.

And I think if the same thing was done in America, we'd get the same response.

You know, the Bible is a nice collection of literature. It's got some nice stories. Kids enjoy hearing the stories.

But really, as far as us, it has no relevance at all today.

And I think, you know, part of our job as a church is to show, you know, the Bible does have relevance for today.

It's a timeless book, and everything that's written in there applies to us as well as it did to the people that it was written to back at the time.

The Old Testament authors wrote, and at the time Peter, Paul, James, John, and all of them wrote their epistles and their gospels for our time.

So today, I want to kind of look at that.

I want to go into a book and talk about something that people would say, this is kind of a nice little letter and whatever, and kind of talks about the time there.

It really doesn't have any meaning, but it really is a thesis in something that all of us face in our lives today.

You know, at some time or another. I don't mean today, literally.

But at all times in our lives, you know, we have common things happen to us.

And one of the things that that can be is that we all end up in some time in our life with a conflict with someone else.

You know, it can be with our mate, right? We could have a conflict with them.

And it's an ongoing issue that just doesn't get resolved.

And it just lingers and lingers. It can be with another family member.

We just have an issue with them. There's this conflict, and we don't know what to do about it.

And it just sort of sits there, and it can grow, and it can become a mess.

It can be something at work. It can be something among people in church. It can be about anyone.

But conflict is just kind of part of our part of the way of life.

It's not there every day, but all of us face it sometime in our lives.

You know, I mean, that's just kind of the way of the world or the way of the universe, too.

Satan is in perpetual conflict with God and perpetual conflict with Jesus Christ.

So let me let me preface here, and we'll look at a book today that gives us kind of a treatise on how do we do, how would we deal with conflict resolution? How does the Bible say we should go about resolving a conflict? Because God is interested, we know, in relationships.

He's interested in, of course, our relationship with Him. He's interested in our relationship with the others. And how do we make that happen? Because to God, it's an important thing.

Let's go over to Matthew 5. Matthew 5, and there in the Beatitudes, as Christ begins his first recorded sermon for us here in Matthew 5, he goes through, you know, the points that we are, we commonly refer to as the Beatitudes. And in verse 9, he mentions this one, blessed are the peacemakers. Blessed are the peacemakers, those who can take a conflict and who can make peace with each other or maybe help people be at peace with one another, help them resolve the conflicts, because God is interested in that, you know, that we're all going to be at peace with each other. When Christ returns, it's not just peace between nations, that there won't be war. There will be peace, and peace and conflict resolution will be taught during the time that He's on earth, too, because God is interested, that we get along with one another. And even though we're going to have our differences from time to time, that we can put the pieces back together and we can be at one. Let's go forward to, well, he said, blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God. So he ties to it what the expectation is and what we need to do if we want to be called sons of God. Let's go back to James, because James talks about this as well, James 4. And verse 1, he writes, where do wars and fights come from among you?

Do they not come from your desires for pleasure, that war in your members?

You lust and do not have, you murder and covet and cannot obtain, you fight and war, yet you do not have because you do not ask. And when you ask, you don't receive, because you ask amiss that you spend it on your own pleasures. So he says, you know, this is what the cause of conflict in the world is today. One nation wants this, someone wants the other one's territory. Among people, it's, I want my way versus your way.

I don't like this and whatever, and I don't want to give up what my comfort is or my idea is or my opinion is. And that's what the cause of all conflict is. Someone who there's a difference of opinion and parties, when it's unresolved, just don't want to give up their viewpoint. They don't want to give up what they have. They want what the other person has, but they're not willing to, they're not willing to give in order that there can be peace and get this resolved.

Well, you know, this is the world around us. I mean, James 4, 1 through 3 tells us, you know, what kind of the world around us is like. And when Christ returns, as we're there and as we continue to follow God and as we have His Holy Spirit and we're there working with Jesus Christ under Him, as we teach people in the world tomorrow, as we call it, or the millennium, it's going to be conflict resolution that we're going to have to deal with.

It's not going to be magically that people know the way to peace and know how to resolve conflicts. It's you and I who are going to be teaching this.

So in our lives, we need to be practicing it now as something that God is very much interested in what we're doing. Let's go back to Romans. Romans 12. Does Paul have something to say about it as well? Romans 12 and verse 28. I'm sorry, verse 18. There is no verse 28. Romans 12, 18. Notice he says, if it's possible, if it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men. So sometimes conflict isn't, isn't, or conflict resolution isn't possible. If the other party isn't willing, there's nothing we can do about it. We have to have the right attitude.

We might make an attempt, but he says as long as what's up to you, as much depends on you, make it happen. But if the other party isn't willing to be resolved, if they're not willing to go through the steps and the attitudes that it takes to have a conflict or relationship resolved, then you know you've done your part, but we can't make people do things.

But certainly in the church, you know, we should all be aware that we have things that we need to do, and if it doesn't work, we go our way. But as much between members of the church, if we're being led by God's Holy Spirit, we should be able, we should be able to come to some conflict resolution.

And finally, in Hebrews 12. Hebrews 12. And I'm reading these verses ahead of time, because as we go through, what we're going to go through, I'm not, I'm going to refer back to these verses. I'm not going to interrupt a lot of the flow to go back to these at that time, but I kind of wanted to give you some of the verses ahead of time, just to have them in our minds as we begin.

In Hebrews 12, verse 14, the author here says, pursue peace with all people. That's our job. That's our mission. Pursue peace with all people and holiness, without which no one will see the Lord. Now, you know, in the last few years, that that verse has always stuck out with me to me because it says, without which no one will see the Lord. Just shows how important it is to God.

And then he goes on and says, you know, in this unresolved conflict, look what it can do to people. It can create all sorts of problems. He says, looking carefully, lest anyone fall short of the grace of God, lest any root of bitterness springing up, cause trouble, and by this many become defiled. How many people, how many people have lost God, have given up on God, have just turned away from God because of unresolved conflict that has made them bitter and made them think, I don't want to do this anymore.

They've let something else come between them, and that relationship, that relationship that needs to be healed, can take us right away from God if we don't watch what we're doing. So it's an important concept for us to have, and maybe it's not anything in your life today you need, but at some time, at some time in the rest of your life or sometimes in the past life, you might think back of some of the things that we've done, and today maybe have a plan, if you will, of what it says.

But let's go back finally to Matthew 18. Matthew 18, because Christ talks about these unresolved conflicts, and when a brother sins against a brother or offends one another, you know what we do, what we do, and what the process is. He doesn't tell us, go ahead and talk about it among everyone else you know, and kind of get their judgment on it as well. He says in verse 18, chapter 18 in Matthew, in verse 15, if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone.

Talk about it. Don't talk about it to everyone else. Go and talk to him about it. Let him know that that's bothered. You let him know that that's offended. You let him know what you've seen him do or perceive that he has done, because the first step in reconciliation is that parties have to talk. If there's no one talking, if there's no one's talking, there's not any reconciliation or resolution possible. If, notice the word if, if he hears you, if he hears you, you've gained your brother. And sometimes people won't hear us, right? Sometimes people won't hear us, but we still make the effort. If he hears you, you've won your brother. And it's a beautiful thing when two people can talk together and resolve their differences, and they're closer than they were before.

Because they've listened to each other, and they've had to give up a little bit of themselves in order for that to happen, and God blesses that. But it says if that, if he doesn't listen to you that time, don't give up. Don't just walk away and say, not possible. He says, but if he won't hear, take with you one or two more. That by the mouth of two or three witnesses, every word may be established.

If it's an issue, and they're just not paying attention, then go get someone else and take them to him, someone else that has seen the same thing. Go to them, and with the two or three people there, perhaps the person will listen at that time and say, okay, I get it. I didn't realize I was behaving that way. I didn't realize when I was talking that way. Whatever I was doing, I didn't get it.

And it says, you know, and if he hears, great. There's a bond between there, the reconciliation.

In verse 17, if he refuses to hear them, if he still says, I'm not giving up my idea. I'm not giving up the way I do things. I'm not giving up my outlook or whatever it is. If he refuses to hear them, tell it to the church. Get the church involved. And if he refuses to hear the church, let him be like to you like a heathen and a tax collector. Those are hard words, too, isn't it?

God says, you know, if he just won't listen, if there's not any give, then you know what? He's not one of us. He's hardened his heart. He doesn't want the reconciliation. And we have to be people who want the resolution. We have to be people who work at conflict resolution. And if the other party doesn't want any part of it, then at least we've done our part and we move on. So, you know, Christ gives us kind of in a little three verses there what to do. But Paul, the Apostle Paul, kind of puts some meat on the bones, if you will. And Paul, you know, is an interesting, of course, individual as you look at him. We remember Paul. He was the one who was against everyone in the church, didn't want Jesus Christ who would, you know, do whatever he could to hang up or, I don't mean hang up, Christians as far as hang them up, but, you know, to turn them in and consenting to Stephen's death and the whole thing was against it. But when he was converted, when God called him, he turned to him with all his heart and he sacrificed his life to go around preaching the gospel. And Paul learned. Paul was one of those outspoken individuals who was just very coarse and brazen, if you will.

And when he first came to the church, you know, his heart had changed, but the people, you know, the people were afraid of him, remember? They didn't want anything to do with him. Sent him away. You know, we don't want anything to do with him. We remember with the type of person he's like, and Paul had to relearn or have God through his Holy Spirit redo his personality that he became one who could teach and who could show people what to do. And as you watch Paul, and as you watch his letters to the Romans and the Corinthians and the Colossians and to Philemon, which we'll talk about today, you know, you can see the growth in Paul. As he followed Jesus Christ, he became literally a different person, one who could build bridges between people, one who could preach the gospel, one who had something people listened to him because they could see the difference in him, and they knew he was living the part as well as just preaching the part. And so as he grew and as he listened and probably, you know, as he was taught by Jesus Christ, he says for 14 years, as he read the gospel, since he worked with people, he began to see and he was able to put meat on these bones of Matthew 18, 15 to 18. And when he came to a conflict between two people in the church, that was a real major conflict at that time because it had to do with an owner of a slave and a slave. In the book of Philemon, you can be finding that. It's right before the book of Hebrews, the last epistle of Paul, the shortest one that he wrote, the only one that he wrote to a man specifically that we have preserved for us. But in that short book, what he has is he's got Philemon, who's a member of the church, a well-loved member of the church, the church actually met in his home. And we have Onesimus, who was the slave. And in those days, in those days, you had slavery, someone owned the slave, but apparently we don't know exactly what happened, but Onesimus departed from Philemon. So Philemon would have an issue with the slave, right? You ran away from me, or you sinned against me, or did something with me. Philemon would have a legal right, you know what? You belong to me, and what you did is absolutely wrong. But as we go through the book, we see somehow Onesimus has come across Paul while he is in prison. And the book was written near the end of Paul's life, you know, it was written somewhere, they say, between 60 and 62 AD.

So he's learned a lot during this time. So Paul has this situation where Onesimus now has become a converted member of the church, and he's got this issue that Onesimus really belongs to this good member of the church up here in Colossae, Philemon, and the two of them have to come together.

Now we don't know whether Philemon actually knew, at the time Paul wrote the letter, whether he knew Onesimus and Paul had connected and that Onesimus had become a member of the church, or if this is the first time that he's ever hearing about it. But Paul knows this is a conflict, and this is going to be a trial on both of them. Onesimus has done something wrong. Philemon could have an attitude that could create a problem. This is a trial on both of them, and Paul is a good mediator as he goes through this. And sometimes it takes a mediator to bring two parties together. You know, Paul, remember, he had to have a mediator. Of course, Jesus Christ is our intercessor on everyone. But Barnabas, remember, Barnabas was a mediator for Paul as he was trying to get into the church and win the favor of the church. But let's go over to the book of Philemon here. Now let's get a blueprint of how Paul approached this conflict that was going to be between these two men. A very serious issue that both of them who could say, hey, I'm right. The prisoner could say, he had no right owning me. I don't want to go back. Philemon had the right to say, you know, he belongs to me. He should have never done it. Onesimus was wrong. Philemon's attitude would be at stake as well. And Paul teaches us in the very first three verses there a very good thing to know whenever we're going to approach someone because of an Matthew 1815 situation, or when we're going to approach someone. He says in verse 1 of Philemon, Paul, a prisoner of Christ Jesus and Timothy, our brother. To Philemon, our beloved friend and fellow laborer, to the beloved Athia, archipus, our fellow soldier, and to the church in your house. So Paul approaches him as a prisoner. And we see Paul often doing this when he's writing, you know, his epistles. I think it's the book of Corinthians, the book of Romans, he says the same thing. He comes to them as someone who's lowly in position. You know, he was the apostle at that time to the Gentile church. He could have come across and he said, you know, listen, Philemon, this is the apostle writing to you, right? He could come and he could kind of wave his office in front of him, say, this is what's going to happen here. But that isn't what Paul is interested in. What he's interested in is resolution.

And that resolution, just in compliance, says in, okay, I'll do it because you said, and the other one says, okay, I'll do it because you said he wants a change in the heart. He wants them to understand what is going on. He wants the resolution resolved just the way God would want our resolutions with him and our reconciliation with him, but to be of the heart, not just something that we do simply to comply. So he approaches him and he says, you know, I'm a prisoner of Christ Jesus. And that should bring, you know, to mind some verses that you have there.

Jesus Christ himself in Matthew 11, right? He says, if any of you are burdened, come to me.

I'm lowly and gentle in spirit. He doesn't come across and say, listen, I'm the Son of God. I'm the Son of God. You have no choice but to do what I say. We know that's the fact, if we're following him. But he says, I'm lowly and gentle in spirit. I want you to understand. I want your heart. I'm not going to hammer it into you, but I want your heart to be with me. And Paul approaches the same thing the way, the same, you know, the same way with Philemon. Well, we have a conflict that we're going to talk about. You know, we need to not come across to each other as, I'm right, or if we're the mediator, I'm right, and this is what's going to happen. We need to work together. We need to figure out what's going on here. We need to get to the bottom of this, and we need the two parties to come together and understand what's going on and get this resolved. You know, I'll just, you know, I mean, there are conflicts in families. You know, God put the family together. God orchestrated the families, and we learn a lot from each other, right? We learn from our wives. We learn from our husbands. You know, we learn from our children, and there can be all sorts of conflicts all over the place with people. But man, they have to be resolved. God gave us those relationships for a reason. He put us here as a body, you know, and we might have conflicts with one another. We've got to resolve them. We've got to look at that, and if we come across saying, it's going to be my way and that's it, and I'm not going to talk about it anymore, that's not going to get anything resolved. That's not going to get anything resolved. You've got to win the parties in. You've got to come to them with a gentle and lowly spirit like Jesus Christ does with us.

And so Paul introduces it that way in the first three verses. Let's go on to verse to verse 4 here. It says, I thank my God, Philemon, making mention of you always in my prayers, hearing of your love and faith, which you have toward the Lord Jesus and toward all the saints, that the sharing of your faith may become effective by the acknowledgement of every good thing which is in you in Christ Jesus. Philemon, I thank God for you. You're a blessing to the church.

I mean, the church is meeting at your house. You're a pillar there in that church. You are helping hold it together by your example, and look what you do, Philemon. Your love, your faith toward Jesus Christ, toward all the people that are in that church, is just evident to everyone.

You're part of the glue that holds everyone together. And then he says in verse 6, that the sharing of your faith may become effective by the acknowledgement of every good thing. You know, Paul says, well, it's not just you. It's not just you, Philemon, right? It's God's Spirit working in you. It's God who's given you those abilities to love and to have faith and to be a support to all the people in that church. Don't forget that, Philemon. And Philemon didn't forget it. There was no reason for Paul to say that other than, remember, it's God. It's God who gives us those abilities. He gives us those abilities to love, to have faith, to bond with one another. And He gives us the ability to have our conflicts resolved. If indeed—you know, I've said this before, and I'll say it again. There was a minister 30 years ago where we lived in a church area, and he said, as he was not talking about conflicts, but he was talking about marriage, and he made the comment that as long as the two people are baptized members of the church, there should be nothing in a marriage that can't be resolved. Nothing. Nothing. And I took that to heart, and I thought, you know what? He's absolutely right. If indeed both people are in the church, there should be no conflict that can't be resolved, because God's Spirit is one of unity, God's Spirit is one of repentance, God's Spirit is one of humility, where we have to kind of look at ourselves and work together to make it happen. So he's saying this to Philemon here. And you know, as you look at that, if you're Philemon and you're getting this letter, you know you're feeling pretty good, right? I mean, here's Paul saying these good things. And you know, no matter who we have a conflict with, in other words, there's something good, something good we can find to them. Every single person we can find some trait.

That is a positive thing. And every single person we can find some negative trait, too, right?

Too often we get into conflict. All we can focus on is, I don't like this, I don't like that, this person does this, this one does this, this one does that, and it's all negative. What Paul is saying here is, you know, you've got to focus on the positive things. And sometimes we get ourselves into a negative frame of mind, and that can really, really, really negatively affect our relationships. You know, if we have husband or wife who's only thinking negative things about the spouse, it's not going to spell well for a happy marriage. And then every marriage there is good, and there's things that people need to work on, but we need to focus, and when we're talking about things, we need to focus on the good, because there is something good that we can find in every person we're having a conflict with. We may have an issue with the things they say, we may have an issue with the way they present themselves, we may have an issue in what they're doing, but there is something redeeming, and as we talk with it, we need to remind ourselves and remind them we're aware, we're aware of the good things that you have, because here's Paul, he's doing this with Philemon, right? He's letting them know, Philemon, there's a lot of things that you do right.

There's a lot of things you do right, and whether Philemon knew what was coming on later on in this letter or not, he at least realized Paul appreciates what I do, he appreciates what I do, and he's going to be able to hear, he's going to be able to hear what Paul has to say because of that. It's the same thing that we, you know, that we need to, the way that we need to, to work with each other. That when we're having these things, you know, we just don't go up to someone and say, you did this wrong, you did this wrong, every time I talk to you this and whatever, it's like, you know, I want to talk to you, you know, there's a lot of good things you do, but I had this issue, and I don't know, maybe it's just me, maybe there's something I'm misunderstanding or whatever, but we're just so that there's nothing between us in the air. But not coming in with a hammer, as sometimes we do, or a sheriff, and like we have all the answers, and we've already judged, we're other, you know, we've already been the judge and jury of this. So he gives us a couple points, you know, first of all, come in, come in with a lowly and gentle spirit on an equal level, no matter what your position, or no matter how long you've been in the church, whether you've been here 40, 50, 60 years, or one year, you know, there may be things that we learn even if we've been in the church for 60 years when we're dealing with people, you know, and issues, or your position. And have your frame of mind where you've thought about the things that the person does good, because every single one of us, every single one of us, could be the Philemon in this, in this, right? Depending on the situation, here it's a, you know, sometimes people read through some of the commentaries that get hung up on slavery, and some people, the book is about slavery, is the Bible, you know, Bible condoning slavery? No, not at all! It's not at all condoning slavery in this book. It's taking a situation that was there at that time, but every single one of us have the situations that we could find ourselves in the same way, not with a slave and an owner, but other things that can happen between us as well.

So let's go down then to verse 7. Verse 7, you know, we have great joy, Paul says, and consolation in your love, because the hearts of the saints have been refreshed by you, brother. You know, I know the church is in good hands there. You're refreshing, you're a refreshing person. Their hearts and their minds are there because of what you do. And so then in verse 8, let me look at my notes here for a moment. Okay, in verse 8, he says, therefore, though I might be very bold in Christ to command you with what is fitting. Okay, there he, you know, there he begins to, you know, okay, I've introduced it, I'm coming to you with a lowly and gentle spirit. But he's also reminding him, you know, I could come to you, Philemon, as the Apostle, I could come to you and say, this is what has to happen. I could just lay the law for you and say, this is what you're going to do. Onesimus is going to come back to you. You're going to receive him as a brother. You're not going to have him be as a slave anymore. You, too, are going to get along to with one another and all these things. He could do that. And he's reminding him, I can do that, but that's not what we're doing here. And he explains to him why. Therefore, though I might be very bold in Christ to command you what is fitting, yet for love's sake, yet for love's sake, I rather appeal to you.

To that for love's sake, what is it God wants us all to develop in our lives? The first fruit of the Holy Spirit? Agape. For love's sake, for agape's sake, because there are choices we have to make when we develop agape in our lives. Sometimes they're not the easiest thing to do. We remember that agape isn't just an emotional love, like Eros and Philia and the brotherly love that we have for one another, but there are times when we sacrifice what our own will is or comfort is for the good of someone else. Just like Jesus Christ was willing to give his life that you and I could live in the perfect demonstration of agape, so God would say, you know what? Paul is saying, you know, I'm coming to you for agape's sake. Here's a chance that you and I, and the person he hasn't named yet in the letter, can develop agape. Here's an opportunity to grow. Here's what God has called us for, what he wants us to develop in our lives, and sometimes those opportunities to grow don't just come through the usual channels that we would think of, but in everything that we do, there's an opportunity to become more like Jesus Christ is. There's an opportunity to develop more of that spirit of agape that God wants in us. It just doesn't come automatically. It's something we practice. It's something that we go through in life, just like joy and peace and gentleness and patience and long suffering and all those that are listed there. So he says, for love's sake, I'm coming to you. Well, keep your finger there and finally, let's go back to 1 Corinthians here for a minute.

1 Corinthians 16.

You know, you can see as you read through Corinthians, you read through Romans and the Epistles, you can see Paul even applying in this letter some of the things that he wrote to those churches as he not only talks the talk, but he walks the walk and amends his way. In 1 Corinthians 16, verse 14, a very simple verse. Sometimes we just waltz right through 1 Corinthians 16 because it's kind of the wrap-up chapter of a lot that's going on in that book. But in verse 14, he says, let all, that word all, let all that you do be done with love. Let all that you do.

God doesn't use the word all lightly. We use the word always and never and all, and we mean, well, most, or that's what my preference is. But when God says all, he means all, let all that you do be done with love. And so Paul, even in this situation, was like, okay, I'm coming to you in love. I'm concerned for you. And in this case, Paul was concerned about what would his attitude be? How was he going to receive this difficult thing that he was going to present to him? And he reminds him, this is your calling. This is why you're here. This is what you're to develop. You've been called.

You've been a very solid member of the church. You've been a blessing to others. But there is always growth that we have to have in our life and everything that comes our way, we have to learn from. And if God doesn't, you know, we can make mistakes and we get into Hezekiah a little bit.

We'll see where he made a mistake. But then as he got later in his life, he didn't make the same mistake again. You know, we know that we have that example of Peter. He made a mistake when he denied Christ, but he didn't make that mistake again. And so we will make mistakes. But then we learn from them and we grow that we don't make the same mistake again. So he says here, if we go back to Philemon, Philemon says, for love's sake, I rather appeal to you. I'm not commanding to you, commanding you, I'm appealing to you. Now, when we appeal to someone, we're giving them time to think about it. You know, an edict is one thing. If we just come out and say, you have to do this, if your boss, you know, at work says, you have to do this, you know, it's one thing. It's an order we follow. If he says, I appeal to you, let's think about this. I want you to spend some time contemplating this. You know, Onesimus isn't going to show up on his doorstep that afternoon. You know, Onesimus isn't the one delivering the letter. You got some time to contemplate this, you know, Philemon. I appeal to you. And when we go to someone, you know, and we might talk about something, we don't have to have them say at that point, I get it, I get it. You know, oftentimes it will, when you talk it through, it's going to be that it's resolved. And the issue, you know, oftentimes isn't as serious as what we might think. Other times, it just takes people time to think about it and to pray about it and to come to the same conclusion. And again, as God's Spirit is leading us, then we will find that God leads us to the same conclusion. But he says, I appeal.

I rather appeal to you, being such a one as Paul, the aged, and now also a prisoner of Jesus Christ.

So he kind of repeats, you know, I could have, I could have just come in and, you know, put the hammer to the gavel or the gavel to the plate here and everything, but I'm not doing that. I'm appealing to you. I want you to get this because I'm coming to you from my heart and he's done the same thing with Jesus Christ because he's come reconciled to him.

And then in verse 10, he names what he's talking about. He says, I appeal to you for my son, notice how he puts that, my son, my son Onesimus, whom I have begotten while in my chains.

Okay. So Philemon's reading along, right? If he has no idea that Onesimus and Paul is like, okay, what is Paul writing to me about? Boom. My son Onesimus, you mean that slave who walked out on me or whatever he did and disappeared? That guy, you're calling him your son, that you've begotten while in chains, while you are in prison? That probably made him stop and think for a moment.

My son Onesimus, what did Paul see in Onesimus? Because if you're Philemon, right, if this happened to us, if we're an employer or we own a business and we have an employee who steals the business, right, steals clients, and they've gone behind our back and, you know, they're starting their own company, they decide they're going to, you know, cut what your price is by a little bit to win them all over, right? I don't think we're going to have pretty good feelings about that person, right? It's going to be like they stole from me. I, you know, I see them as a thief. I see them as something I don't trust them anymore. And Onesimus, whatever he did, whether it's just run away and escape or whatever he did, Philemon has that thought about Onesimus. It's not a good thought right now. He's wronged him. And here's Paul, someone you respect, you know, someone you respect greatly in the faith, saying, he's my son. I've begotten him while in chains. It can only mean one thing. Onesimus now is a member of the church. Onesimus has become converted. Onesimus is one who understands, just like all of us understand, and just like all the people who were meeting in Philemon's house understood and were of the same mind and the same spirit. He's one of us. He's one of us, Paul is saying. Had to be a tough thing for Philemon to digest. It's a good thing it happened by letter and not in person, maybe, so that Paul didn't have to, you know, and Philemon had some time to digest what was going on. Sometimes a letter is better than confronting someone in person, right? It gives us time to think about things and kind of analyze ourselves and our own attitudes and think back on things after we have our initial reaction, you know, curved a little bit and we have time to think about this. So I appeal to you for my son, Onesimus, who might be gotten well in chains. And no one knows exactly how it is that Onesimus, you know, ran across Paul. Some commentary suggests that he ended up in prison and he was right there in the same cell as Paul. Not the same cell, but the same prison. Others say that, you know, he came across Paul while he was doing something and he recognized Paul's preaching. And it's like, oh, this is who my master listened to. And he started listening to him from a different aspect than just, this is my master's, you know, my master's preacher or whatever. And he began to believe. And no one knows for sure, but, you know, what we can be sure of is God brought the two of them together. God is the one who orchestrated this. That Onesimus and Paul, you know, developed this relationship. Onesimus was called. Onesimus responded and they were there while Paul was in prison. And he says in verse 11, you know, Paul acknowledges, hey, what Onesimus did was wrong, right? I appealed to you for my son Onesimus, whom I had begotten while in my chains, who once was unprofitable to you. He hasn't been a good servant. What he did with you was wrong. You know, can't miss the word sometimes. It was just simply wrong. But now is profitable, he says, to you and to me.

Well, we understand why he would be profitable to Paul because, you know, he's now understanding, but why would he be profitable to Onesimus or to Philemon? Is Paul just talking about the future?

Well, he can come back and he can be a member of the church. I think he's probably talking about, you know, he's profitable to you because, you know what, Philemon? Here's a growth opportunity.

Here's something that you're going to learn about yourself and you're going to develop a link in your development and growth of God as you deal with this issue. And when you do it well, as I expect you to, you're going to become a stronger person and you're going to look more like Jesus Christ.

Who has mercy on all of us and who has mercy on all of mankind. And you're going to become a stronger Christian as you go through this process and dealing with what's going on with Onesimus here.

He once was unprofitable to you. Can't can't mince any words on that. What he did was wrong.

But now is profitable to you and to me. You know, you know, there are times, you know, not there are times and pretty much a facet of all conflict resolution is forgiveness, right?

I mean, almost every time someone has to ask for forgiveness. There has to be acknowledgement of what went on. And we can't mince the words. If both parties are, I didn't do anything wrong. It's all your fault. I'm not admitting anything. You know, nothing's going to happen. We see that played out every day in the news, right? I didn't do anything wrong. Therefore, you know, how does it get resolved? No one will ever admit that they did anything wrong, but that can't be the way it is in the church. We all have we all make mistakes. And so part of any conflict resolution is kind of acknowledging mistakes and forgiving one another. You know, here we have in verse 12, Paul says, I'm going to send him back to you. You know, some commentaries will say, well, he's wanting Philemon to, you know, Philemon to be a slave again, or Onesimus to be a slave again. That's not what he was doing for. There was kind of this acknowledgement and this resolution. The two of them had to come together again. And there are other instances in the Bible where that had to happen in order for conflicts to be resolved. You can think of a few of them, right? Esau and Jacob, right? As Jacob grew, and as he became a man of God, what did God have him do? He had to go back and he had to face Esau face to face. He kind of had to acknowledge what he had done wrong. He had to he had to go back and he had to reconcile with him. And you remember, Jacob was scared to death over what Esau's response or reaction to him was going to be. But he had to do it.

He had to do it. You know, Joseph. Joseph was sold into Egypt. Can't even imagine that, right? If your brother sold you into slavery in Egypt and you spent the, you know, your young adult years in prison or slavery and then in prison, and then God orchestrated it that the brothers and Joseph were going to come back, were going to come back, they were going to have to face one another.

That's a trial on Joseph, wasn't it? I mean, Joseph could have been very bitter. He could have spent those 13 or whatever years it is that that he was there in Egypt and he could have just had a real issue with those brothers. Who would blame him, right? I mean, if those things had happened to us, we would have a real issue with him. But he didn't. He didn't. When he saw them, his heart melted.

The brothers also had to come to the fact that they had to acknowledge what we did was wrong.

And so that conflict had to be resolved. And both parties had to acknowledge and both parties had to forgive. You know, one of the things that God tells us, you know, over and over in the Bible, is that we need to learn to forgive one another. But we also need to acknowledge, part of our Christian calling is acknowledging what we've done to God and sometimes to each other as well.

And just acknowledging it, bearing with one another, being patient with one another, forgiving one another, and then getting along with life, just like God does with us. When we repent before him, when we acknowledge our sins, he is quick to forgive. But he's interested that we keep moving forward. And we don't make the same mistake again. So let's go to Colossians 3, just one book. Well, a few books back here. Colossians 3.

It's probable that Philemon was in this Colossians church, the church of Colossae.

Colossians 3, verse 12.

Now Paul writes to them in his letter, Therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, put on tender mercies, kindness, humility, meekness, longsuffering, bearing with one another, and forgiving one another. If anyone has a complaint against another, and forgiving one another, if anyone has a complaint against another, if there's this Matthew 1815 situation, forgive one another. Even as Christ forgave you, so you must also do. So you also must do. But above all these things, put on love, do all things in love, which is the bond of perfection, which is the bond of perfection.

And so these two men, these two men who had this conflict, Philemon with an attitude that you couldn't blame him for with Onesimus, and Onesimus who was done wrong, they had to come back together. They had to talk to one another. They had to acknowledge what had gone on. And they had to forgive. You know, Philemon was in the position where, you know, we might say he had more to forgive, but he had to forgive. He had to forgive. There couldn't have been any resolution here without that happening. So Paul says, I'm sending him back, just like Jacob had to go see Esau, just like the brothers had to go to Joseph. I am sending him back. You guys need to send to be with one another. You know, Paul, I don't know all the details, but Paul could have said, you know, I'm in prison here in Rome. I could just keep Onesimus here with me. If I leave those who know about it, you know, I just keep them here with me. What he doesn't know won't hurt him, right?

No, that isn't the way Paul worked. He knew what had to happen. I'm sending him back.

You, therefore, and here he does make a statement, you, therefore, receive him. When he comes to you, don't you turn him away. You give reconciliation. You give conflict resolution a chance here.

When he comes to you, you receive him. That is my own heart. This is important. Paul is saying, this is my heart I'm sending up there, and this has got to be your heart. You give this a chance, no matter what you're thinking or how mad you are or how bitter you've become, receive him.

In verse 13, Paul talks about how Onesimus has become. He's a different man than when Philemon saw him last, whom I wished to keep with me. He's a good guy. He's become converted. I'm working with him, and I see the growth in him, whom I wish to keep with me, that on your behalf he might minister to me in my chains for the gospel. I could have just kept him here, and I'd like to keep him here. He is a good servant. I see his heart, and I enjoy working with him, and I see the growth that God is making in him. In verse 14, Paul says, but without your consent, I wanted to do nothing. I know you need to be part of this, and I'm asking you to meet with him, and then to give permission to whatever Paul and Onesimus and Philemon decide to do later. Without your consent, I wanted to do nothing. That your good deed might not be by compulsion, as it were, but voluntary.

This could take some time. It may take you a little, a few prayers. It may take you a little meditation time. It may take you some soul-searching time, but it has to be voluntary. I'm just not going to tell you you have to reconcile with him. You've got to do it for love's sake. You have to do it because that's what God commissioned us to do. And this is a difficult, difficult one, Philemon. But Paul knew he could do it. And then in verse 15, one thing we always need to remember when we get into these situations is we can say, ah, I don't want to do that. I don't want to have that conversation, right? I wish that hadn't happened. I wish the person had just not done that.

But we have to remember God is working with every single one of us. Every single thing that happens in our life is an opportunity for us to grow. And that's what Paul talks about here in verse 15.

For perhaps, Paul says, perhaps Onesimus departed for a while for this purpose, that you might receive him forever. Who knows, Philemon? Maybe that's why Onesimus left. You needed this growth opportunity. You needed to have this test so that you could become, that you could love more, that you could forgive, and God could see what's in your heart.

Again, when we read, maybe for this purpose this happened, that should trigger another thing in our minds, right? If there was another person in the Bible that it was said, who knows that you have come to the kingdom for a time like this? Now, Paul would have read all those scriptures in the Old Testament, and he probably had that in his mind. He wrote that when Mordecai told Esther, perhaps you are in this kingdom for a time like this. Maybe that's why God has you here, because you can save your people. Well, Philemon, it might be that Onesimus departed from you, wrongly, but God orchestrated this because you need this as part of your character, and Onesimus needs that as part of his character as well. And what happens in our lives, we may hate it, we may not want to deal with it, but perhaps it's God who's orchestrated it because he knows exactly what we need. And then we need to face it exactly the way that God would have us face it. Not bury our heads, not run away from it, not depart, not give up, not say, I'm not doing this, but to do the things that God wants us to do. For perhaps, verse 15, he departed for a while, for perhaps he departed for a while for this purpose, that you might receive him forever.

He's talking about eternal life here at this point, that you might receive him for forever, receive him forever, no longer as a slave, but more than a slave, a beloved brother, especially to me, but how much more to you both in the flesh and in the Lord.

And in the Lord.

Receive him back, not as a slave. He's not coming back to work for you anymore. He's no longer your property. He is a brother. You may look down on him in your entire life. You may have looked as a pessimist as he's my property. He has to do whatever I want him to do, da-da-da-da-da.

Now you need to even change your outlook on him. He's a brother. He's a brother. No longer your property. No longer your slave. No longer yours to say, go do this, go fetch the water, go clean the stables, or whatever it is he did. Now he's a brother, Philemon. Look at him in that way.

Pray about in that way. I appeal to you. Do this. Think about it. Work on it.

There may be times in our lives where we find ourselves looking down on someone else, but we can't do that. We can't do that, right? Philemon's 2 verse 3 says, esteem each other more highly than yourself. We can't look down. You know, someone makes a huge mistake in church, and we find out about it. It's like, oh, you know what? You're pretty low. You know, we all make mistakes. We can't elevate ourselves and judge and look down, but say, you know what? They're a brother. They're a brother. I support, I exhort, I encourage, I pray for, I love, and they are equal to me, and what I need to do is see them. See them and esteem them highly.

So he's got an awfully lot in this appeal letter that he's giving to Philemon, and then he talks about even more than that. You know, as how important is this verse 17? If you count me as a partner, and he knew, Paul knew that Philemon thought highly of him, and he says, if you count me, Philemon, as a brother, as a partner, receive him as you would me. When you look at Onesimus, don't look at him any differently than you look at me. Part of the same body, part of the family, bond together by love. This is something, a growth opportunity for you to see this in this way.

It's just like we all look at each other, and we all love one another, and we all come to that love, and don't esteem ourselves more highly than each other, but pray for one another and accept one another. Paul is saying you do the same with him, and he says if he's wronged you, if he owes you anything. You know, if that's what's going to be the issue, if money's the issue, you know, Onesimus stole from me, and I paid excess for him, and I want my money back, Paul says, you know what, put it on my account. Don't have that between him and you. Put that between you and me. If he owes you anything, I'll pay for it. Sometimes you put yourself out into that, because it was so important to Paul for both these men to resolve this conflict and to reconcile through it that he said, you know, whatever costs, I'll do it. Paul already worked hard, right? I mean, he worked his tail off for the people in those churches, but you know what, Paul also had an example, didn't he? He goes, you know what, Jesus Christ paid a lot for me, didn't he? Look how much Jesus Christ was on his account for me, Paul said. Look what he paid for me. And he was selling, giving us an example there, too. When we think we've been wronged or someone owes us something or whatever, you know what, sometimes you just let it go. You let it go and remember how much Jesus Christ paid for us and paid our debts in a way the fire surpasses money or anything material.

But if he's wronged you or owes anything, put that on my accounts.

You know, in those verses, you know, Paul paints for Philemon kind of what the future is to be between those two men.

You know, he acknowledges that Onesimus is done wrong. I want you to receive him.

And he also tells him, and this is the way it needs to be, in the future you don't see Onesimus as a slave, you see him as a brother. You don't see him as someone who wronged you anymore. You don't see him as a slave or your property. You see him as a brother. Well, that doesn't happen overnight, right? We can make a decision to do those things and we have to have our minds wrap around that. And as God's Spirit leads us to it, that happens.

But he paints a future of what that relationship needs to be and puts in Philemon's mind, this is where it needs to go. Because Philemon might not have understood where that relationship would go. I don't even know what to do with it. Okay, I forgive Onesimus, but what do I do now?

Paul says, see him as a brother. If you see me, see Onesimus in the same way. That's the future.

That's how your relationship's going to be. All the other past is gone.

And sometimes when we are in conflict resolution, we have to paint for ourselves and the other person what the future needs to be like. What does that relationship need to be like? If it's husband and wife, you know, then there needs to be the conversations on this is what we need to do to come together as one flesh the way God said for us to be. Because he looks at that relationship as a picture, as it says in Ephesians 5, between Christ and the church. It's important. Any conflicts need to be resolved. He looks at situations between the members and the church, members and our families. We have got to go through the process. We have got to go through the process and we have to paint the picture for each other of what that relationship—we don't have to paint it for each other. The Bible paints the picture for us of what it needs to be. We have to paint the picture of where we need to be so that both parties understand where we need to get.

Otherwise, we as human beings, we just kind of rehash the same thing over and over and over again.

We're mad about this. We get angry about this. We fly off the handle about this. We see this person as not able to do this or not able to do that or whatever it is. We do that. We have got to ask God to help us resolve the situation and then have a future in mind of where we're going to do and discipline ourselves to follow God as much as depends on us to get that relationship where it needs to be. I pulled this off of the U.S. Navy. We're here in Jacksonville. The U.S. Navy website is called MediateDebt.com. It's how to resolve conflicts. Many of the things that we've read in Philemon are there on that website. But here's one that their last point is, in conflict resolution, focus on the future. Sometimes that's what's missing when we talk to each other. We don't get to the point in our minds even. Where does that relationship need to be? What's the goal that we need to have in mind? They say this. They said, in order to understand the conflict, it's important to understand the dynamics of the relationship, including the history of the relationship. Well, that goes to seek first to understand. You have to understand where it came from. Both parties need to acknowledge what went on in it, understand what went on in it, and just face the facts. We can't undo what's happened to the past, but we have to face them and we have to deal with them. However, in order to resolve the conflict, we must focus on the future. What do we want to do differently tomorrow? Look for ways to assure that we are all better on tomorrow than we are today by defining what the relationship needs to be between the parties. What's the picture?

Paul does that very well in this letter. Here's what your relationship needs to be.

Brothers. Brothers. So he lays it all out in a very short letter, but look at the principles that he's given us as he's gone through this process. In this book that a lot of the world would say, that's nice, doesn't apply to us today, oh I think it very much applies to us today if we were to look at it in the way that God intended for us to do. He does some wrap-up here in verses 19. He kind of ends it on a nice note. He says, I, Paul, am writing with my own hand.

I'll repay whatever it is, I'll repay, not to mention to you that you owe me even your own self besides. He reminds him of what it is that Philemon has received from God. Yes, brother, let me have joy from you in the Lord. Refresh my heart in the Lord. Having confidence, verse 21, I know you can do this, Philemon. I know your heart and I believe you can do it. It's going to be tough, but having confidence in your obedience, I write to you, knowing that you will do even more than I say. Oh, here it is. He sees Philemon as a profitable servant, and he's appealing to that.

I know that you'll do this. I know you'll get over this. I know things will work out. You'll do even more than I say. But meanwhile, also prepare a guest room for me, for I trust that through your prayers I will be granted to you. And he ends it on a note of friendship. I'm going to come and see you. I'm going to come and see you, Philemon. Keep a room for me.

You know, hospitality goes a long way in resolving conflicts. It goes a long way in resolving conflicts. You know, when I read this, I'm reminded of Christ and Zacchaeus.

Remember Zacchaeus? He's a tax collector, and Jesus Christ said, Zacchaeus, come down from that tree.

I'm going to have dinner at your house tonight. And look at the effect it had on Zacchaeus when Christ said that. He became a different man, and sometimes just opening up our homes, opening up our hearts, sitting down with someone, and showing that hospitality that God says is a part of our lives as well can go so far in resolving conflicts and building the bonds between us. It's a part of our lives we should never take for granted and we should never let slide. You know? So Paul does that, and then he ends with his typical greetings. Let me just recap for you here the points that we see in this little letter of Philemon. If indeed you have a conflict that you need to resolve in your lives, or one that comes up in the future, or think back on something that you've had in the past of what we might do. When we approach someone, approach it from a lowly position.

Don't come in with the hammer and don't come in with I'm right and you're wrong, and if you're the mediator, do the same way. What you're interested in is a change in heart that the parties can be together again. So approach it from a lowly position, just like Jesus Christ said, if you want to find rest, find it in me. I am lowly and gentle in spirit. Number two, appeal to the good and focus and find the good in the other person and talk about that. And train your mind in that.

This person isn't all bad. All the situations with them are not negative. There's a lot of good, and what I found myself doing is just focusing on the negative, and that's colored my view. I need to spend time looking for the good in the other person, because it's there. It's there. It can get so well covered, but if we uncover it, we'll find it. Do it. Do it out of love. Do it out of love.

Not until we get just a quick fix and, okay, fine, fine, I forgive you, we're on our way. Do it out of love. It's got to be done the right way. It's got to take some time to do that. Do it because it's the right thing to do, and because that's what God would have us do it. Do it in love and for love.

Number five, or number four, acknowledge your fault in the situation, and each party, and forgive, because usually there's fault on both parties. Conflicts are not always just one-sided and only one-sided, and the other one is perfect.

Acknowledge your fault, and both parties be ready to forgive.

Number six, or number five, one, two, three, four, five. Remember that God puts us in these positions because He wants us to grow, and sometimes there's things that we won't want to do. We might approach it differently, but if we stop and we think, you know what, God's given me this. I need to do it His way. I need to pause for a moment, not just do the things that naturally come to my mind. I need to stop and think, why would God have put this in my life? How to do it His way? Did He put this and give this to me for a reason? And when we do this, and when we analyze our lives in that way, and kind of stop and think, what does God want me to learn?

We might find ourselves doing things a little bit differently. And if you need a mediator, be a need, you know, have a mediator involved. Jesus Christ is a great mediator. His Holy Spirit is a great mediator, and if we both are being led by God's Holy Spirit, we should be able to have our conflicts resolved, which is what God is looking for all of us to do.