A Lesson in Conflict Resolution

Well, if you've been watching the news lately, or any time, you know some of the conflicts that are continually raging around the world. And it seems like, you know, if we boil down the news anymore, it's between weather occurrences and conflicts. You know, we have recently the conflict between Iran and the United States. We have an ongoing conflict between the Democrats and Republicans. We have conflicts between schoolteachers and students, workers, and their employees that make the news when these things get out of hand. And if we live in a world of anything, we live in a world of conflict.

We live in a world of conflict, and we can see that things aren't getting better, things just get worse. As we watch, you know, our government try to wrestle, if they try to wrestle with it at all. You know, they just polarize, they don't talk to each other anymore, they just kind of go their own ways. And I guess somehow they think that's going to result in some kind of accord somewhere down the road.

But it likely isn't. Those things haven't resulted in that. When parties stop speaking is when the conflict gets worse and eventually results in things very serious that affect more than just the people who are involved in them. And so we live in that world, we live in that world where we see it playing out on an international and a national stage. But in our lives, there's a lot of conflict that we go through that everyone does in their families. None of us are exempt from conflict. It's just there all the time. It might be marriage, husband and wife are in conflict, could be family relationships, sister against brother, could be parent against child, could be any number of things, but all of us have conflict.

Those are the Bible, say, about conflict. You know, there was a recent poll from a few months ago that the British took about what the Bible meant to them. And the question that was done by one of those religious groups over there asked, is the Bible relevant to you at all today? Does it have any application in your life? And it was kind of telling that only 18% of those who were surveyed said the Bible has any relevance to them at all. They kind of look at it as a book of stories, kind of a book of some other things.

We hear static out there? Okay. Well, I'll go on. You can all hear me, though, right? Okay. So we see the world doesn't look to the Bible, but as God's people, we should look to the Bible. And as conflicts arise in our lives, we need to know how to deal with them, because relationships are very important to God. In fact, when you read the Bible, you can see He's about relationships—our relationship with Him, our relationship with each other, our relationships and our families.

He's about building relationships—not them falling apart, not them just disappearing. But He's about building relationships, and inevitably there's going to be conflict. How do we resolve them? Let's go back to James and look at a few verses here as we begin. In James 4, he pretty much isolates what the problem of wars among people is. And he uses the word war, but this is directed to God's people.

And it says, in James 4, verse 1, he says, Where do wars and fights come from among you? Well, the Jews weren't a war-like people, but they had wars. They had fights among themselves. Certainly there was conflict between the Jewish people of the day and Jesus Christ. It didn't get resolved the way it should have. Where do wars and fights come from among you? Don't come from your desires for pleasure, the war in your members. You're making it too much about you. It's what you want. And we see this selfishness there, maybe this pride that's there, as it is in the father of conflict.

You lust and you don't have. You murder and covet and cannot obtain. You fight and war. I want what I want. I want it my way. And if you're going to do it my way, we're going to continue to have conflict, because it's got to be done the way I want it done. That's the story of the nations of the world, right? They see something, another territory, they want it. The nations don't like the government that that country has adopted, so they think they know better. Let's conquer them and let's stop what's going on there.

God says, yet you, speaking to you and I, yet you don't have because you don't ask. You ask and you don't receive because you ask amiss, that you may spend it on your pleasures. Kind of reminds you of the verses in Isaiah 58 where God says, you fast for the wrong reasons. You're fasting so that person begins to see what you want rather than looking at yourself and what you need to do. In order to be the Christian that you need to be. And he goes on, he says, adulterers and adulteresses, don't you know that friendship with the world is an entity with God?

Friendship with the world doesn't mean that we just kind of like we like them, but when we adopt the things the world does, when we does it their way rather than God's way, we become friends with the world. When we look at them and say, well, this is the way they do it, we should do it the same way. You know, we'll just stop. We'll just stop. We'll just stop and we'll just let the conflict continue in this regard. Whoever therefore wants to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God.

Verse five, or do you think that the scripture says in vain, the spirit which dwells in us yearns is a difficult scripture to explain. What was James thinking about when he wrote verse five? Because there is no scripture that is exactly translated the way he says there. And I'm going to leave that to you. I'm not going to go into that today, but I thought I'd point it out.

There's a verse we've read many times. Do we even know what it means? Do we take the time to stop and think about it? What is James talking about? And things like that. But let's leave it there. James says, there's conflicts among you guys. They come from your own desires. You're looking for things to be done your own way. If we go back one book to Hebrews, Hebrews 12, verse 14, the author here makes the comment that it is our responsibility to have peace with one another and to work at that peace.

Of course, Jesus Christ, when he introduced what we call the Sermon on the Mount, he said, blessed are the peacemakers, right? Those who can make peace with one another. Here, the Hebrews author says in verse 14, pursue peace with all people and holiness, without which no one will see the Lord. Well, that's a pretty strong verse. If we don't pursue peace, if we aren't working to work things out with one another, if we have continuing conflict, though we're not doing everything that we can, again given that both sides have God's Holy Spirit, without which no one will see the Lord, looking carefully lest anyone fall short of the grace of God, lest any root of bitterness, because the end result of unresolved conflict is almost always bitterness, right?

You look back in history and you can see two nations warring with each other at odds with each other, and the bitterness develops and all of a sudden you have war. You know, in two cases, World War, another case ahead of us, and another World War that the Bible predicts. You can see that between people. Marriage partners have conflict. They don't resolve it. They quit talking to one another. Pretty soon, they're divorced. God says that's not the way it's supposed to be. That's not what he intended. We work through these problems that we have.

Pursue peace with all people. Looking carefully lest anyone fall short of the grace of God, lest any root of bitterness springing up cause trouble, and by this many, not some, many become defiled. Many lose their way. Many, God says, lose their chance of salvation because they let conflicts build up and they don't resolve them. And by this many become defiled, lest there be any fornicator or profane person like Esau, who for one morsel of food sold his birthright.

And look what happened. You know, initially he said it didn't bother him. Now, when he and Jacob made restitution or met up with each other years later after the birthright and then the blessing, but the bitterness was there. It never got resolved. And so we see in the world today, this bitterness that's between the descendants of those two people. Let's look at Romans. Romans 12.

Romans 12 verse 18.

If it is possible, now God says he knows that it is not always possible for conflicts to be resolved.

It takes two people who want the conflict resolved, two people who have the Holy Spirit, who understand their responsibility before God, and who want to please him by coming to accord and being at peace with one another and resolving these things that would that would separate us. If it is possible, and sometimes it's not, it takes two parties, two parties, to have a conflict resolved. If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men. As much as depends on you, you have the heart. You do what it takes to resolve the conflict. If the other person says, no way, then that's their issue. But God says, in your heart, you be one who's dedicated to healing that relationship, to making it work, to resolving it. And whatever may separate you, that those things can be put behind you. So as we look at life and we look at the things around us, as we look at examples in the Bible, we see conflict between people is just one of the things that's always there. No matter what time in history, there are conflicts. There's conflicts today. There were conflicts at the time of Paul. There were conflicts at the time of Jesus Christ. Conflicts at the time of Abraham. Conflicts all the way back to the beginning of time. It just marks mankind and his nature to always be at odds with someone. God says, I want those conflicts you to work on that. How do we make that happen? And is there an example in the Bible where we can see how conflicts can be resolved his way? And indeed, the answer is yes.

There's a little book at the end of Paul's epistles, right before the book of Hebrews, that is the only epistle of Paul that's written to an individual man. The rest of his epistles are all addressed at churches. But the epistle to Philemon is written specifically to him.

And the purpose of that little book, that one chapter book, you can look at it and it has many, many lessons in it. But one of the overriding lessons we can learn from the little book of Philemon is how to resolve conflicts God's way. And as you read through the book of Philemon, you can see—and I've listed 12 points that we'll see here—and how Paul addressed this brewing conflict between a slave owner and his slave who has somehow disappeared or fled from Philemon.

In this letter, Philemon is the slave owner. He may have been an elder in the church. We read that the church met at his house. He was a leader among the people that were there—a good guy, a Christian in every way, shape, and form from what Paul could see. But Philemon had a slave by the name of Onesimus, for somehow he either ran away from Philemon, somehow he separated from him, somehow he sinned against Philemon because he didn't live up to his end of the bargain.

But Philemon can have an issue with this runaway slave, if you will. But Paul, who was writing this letter from prison—and it says around 60 to 62 AD, so later in his life—somehow, in some way, Onesimus runs into Paul while he's in prison, this slave. Now, whether Onesimus was in prison, we don't know. The Bible doesn't say. There's no records of it. Some commentaries say that's how he ended up knowing Paul because he was in prison with him. And as he talked with Paul, perhaps he remembered seeing Paul or reading letters from Paul and knowing that this is the same thing that his master, Philemon, believed. Or maybe he just ran across Paul somehow and heard there's this man in prison, and he knew of him from the time. But for somehow, Onesimus, the runaway slave, for lack of a better term, and Paul have talked and Onesimus has become converted. So he believes the truth. He's become a member of the church, if we can put it in that language, you know, back then. And Paul has this issue because he knows Philemon can have a real issue with this. He's got an issue with Onesimus because he ran away, and that was against the law, even in the Jewish law. And he's got Onesimus, who's now a brother, who he's been working with, and he sees him as a converted man. And yet there's this conflict that can arise between the two, as you can imagine. If you're an employer and you have an employee who steals all your ideas and takes it someplace else, then you have this issue with them because they've stolen from you, and then later they come into the church, you might have an issue with that if it had a problem. And so Paul sees that there's this brewing conflict between two members of the church here, and Philemon may not even know it's an issue, but Paul does, because he knows well who Onesimus is, he knows well who Philemon is, and he's going to go to work to try to resolve this brewing conflict between the two because it certainly is going to be a trial on Philemon when he hears, you know, Onesimus has become a member of the church, and Paul is pleading his case, and yet I've got issues with him because he's sinned against me, etc., etc., etc. You can imagine. But Paul, we see as he goes through this letter, as he presents it to Philemon in writing, because he's in prison so he can't do it personally, we see a skill that is with him that he uses the verses the scripture to come up with a plan to address this to Philemon that is absolutely brilliant.

And as members of the church, when we look at conflicts that we may have between us, if we were to address things in the same way that Paul does to Philemon as he presents this case, we might have an opportunity to heal the breaches. Heal the breaches. But all too often, when we have conflicts, one will say, I'm right and you're wrong. I've got the superiority and you don't. And Paul doesn't take that approach at all. So let's look at Philemon here and tear it apart in kind of a Bible study here as we go through this and tie it into some other verses. But in the first three verses, Paul introduces the letter to Philemon. He says, Paul, a prisoner of Christ Jesus and Timothy, our brother. I remember Paul's an apostle. He was appointed apostle to the Gentiles. Philemon knows well who Paul is. He's the one who he looks up to. He's the one who has brought the gospel to the areas that he's been in. I might mention that Philemon is a companion book to Colossians because in Colossae is where they live. But Paul doesn't say, okay, I'm Paul the apostle. I'm Paul the apostle and I'm going to get involved in this situation.

He doesn't do that at all. He says I'm a prisoner. I'm a prisoner of Christ Jesus. I'm approaching you on the same level you are. You and I have both decided and chosen to follow God and we are we are here to follow his will. Paul doesn't lord it over him. Paul takes a lowly approach as he introduces this letter. Well, that's not at all like unlike Jesus Christ. Let's, you know, keep your finger there in Philemon. Let's go back, Philemon, let's go back to Matthew.

Matthew 11. And of course we know Jesus Christ when he came to earth. He had all the authority. God gave him all the authority on earth and he could have come to earth and he could have lorded over every one of the Jews that were there at that time. He could have just been marching in and saying do this, do this, do this, and he would have been right every single time. But in verse 29, look how he approaches us. Let's pick it up in verse 28 here and get a little bit of the context. He says, Come to me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. He was the Son of God. God gave him all authority on heaven and earth.

Christ said, learn from me. I'm gentle and lowly in heart. When I approach you, it's for your own good. I'm not coming up breathing fire to you. I'm going here. I'm here to help. I'm here to help you reconcile with God. He could certainly take another approach and could have with the Jews back then. He became a little more forceful with them as time went on.

But I'm lowly in heart. 2 Corinthians 8.

2 Corinthians 8 and verse 9. Paul writing, and he paid attention to those words of Christ as he worked on this letter, I'm sure. It says in 2 Corinthians 8 and verse 9, Paul writing, he says, For you know the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, that though he was rich, yet for your sakes he became poor, that you through his poverty might become rich.

For your sakes he became poor, that you might have, that you might become rich.

And of course, in Philippians 2 and verse 3, he specifically says, Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind, in lowliness of mind, let each esteem others better than himself.

Pay attention to the people you're working with. Don't think I am so, I know so much more than them. I'm so far above them. I can just dictate everything that needs to be done.

Paul certainly could have. He could have just come right out and told Philemon, this is what's happened, and this is how you're going to deal with it.

He didn't at all because it wasn't a matter of Philemon just complying.

It was Philemon understanding, and Philemon in his heart reconciling or easing the conflict that may have developed between him and Onesimus. God is the same way with us.

He gives us commands. What he's interested in us is doing them, but what he says over and over and over again is, I want you to understand. I want you to get it. I want it to become part of your heart. You're not doing it just out of compliance, but you're doing it because you know it's the right thing to do, and it's the way that leads to peace, happiness, joy, and eternity.

So as Paul approaches the letter, it's a lesson that we can learn when we find ourselves in conflict. Let's learn from him and put ourselves at the same person, at the same level as the person we're having conflict with. Whether that's a wife, whether that's a sister or brother, whether that's a parent, approach it that way and put things at ease. So Paul, he introduces it in verse 1. He sets the tone for how this is going to go, and then he introduces, and as we go on in verse 1 to Philemon, our beloved friend and fellow laborer, he recognizes the work that he's been doing, that he's a member of the church, that he's done a lot of good there in Colossae, to the beloved Athea, our archippus, our fellow soldier, and to the church in your house. Grace to you, and peace from God the Father and the Lord Jesus Christ. So he introduces it and he brings God into it, but he introduces it as he's lowly in spirit, and he approaches it in a way that Philemon doesn't read the first line and think, whoop, I'm going to get preached to. I'm going to get preached to, and I'm going to be told something that I don't know, and at this point he may not even know what the issue is. He'll find that out later. In verse 4 we find another point that we see as we are in conflict here. It says, I thank my God, making mention of you always in my prayers.

So as Paul has thought about what is going to happen here, and he's thought about Philemon, and he's thought about Onesimus, he's got involved, and God involved. We always need to have God involved. We always need to pray about things. We always need to take it to him. We need to look to him to guide our words, direct our words, direct our minds, to give us that lowly spirit that people may respond to. And so Paul does that very ably here as he tells Philemon, you know, I've been praying about you. I make mention of you always in my prayer. You're that important to me, even though I'm there with you, I think of you and I pray for you. And then he commends in verse five, another thing that he does, he says, I hear of your love and faith, which you have toward the Lord Jesus and toward all the saints. I see the good things that you do. You know, there's this brewing thing with Philemon. Whether or not Philemon knew what the issue was or not, there are good things that Philemon did. And as we work with people, we can often get to the point where we can criticize and we can forget every good nature or every good thing about them, except the conflict that we're in.

They won't do this, they won't do that. However it is, this is all the things and we can drudge all the things up in the past that we can continually look at. But Paul doesn't do that. He says, look, Philemon, I see what you do. I see how you serve the church. I see the love that you have for them. I see what you're doing. And Philemon appreciates that. It sets the tone. When we find ourselves in conflict, whether it's in our marriage, whether it's with our employers, whether it's with our neighbors, whether it's with whoever it might be, take the time to think about the good things about them. Not that we should eliminate or forget the things that are causing the conflict, but as we're approaching the things so that it's not just 100% battle, you did this, you did this, you did that, and I'm upset with you, and whatever. If we're going to have any hope of reconciliation, if we're going to have any hope of the conflict being resolved, and again remember, it takes both parties willing to do this, you know, remember some of the good things that they did. Because if all we are is negative, it will immediately put the opposition, if I can use that term, it'll put them in a mindset that all they'll do is defend themselves. They won't listen to a word. So Paul here softens, softens the, you know, softens what he's about to say here by reminding Philemon of all the good things that he does and what he hears about him. He has a good reputation in the church there. And in verse 6, kind of a key verse, if you will, here, in verse 6 he says that the sharing of your faith, that the sharing of your faith may become effective by the acknowledgement of every good thing which is in you in Christ Jesus. You've got faith, Philemon. I see what you do.

You've got a good reputation. But you know what? For your faith to become effective, for people to see who you are, what you're about. You're going to have to acknowledge some things.

There's going to be some things that you may have to swallow your pride in. You may have to look at things in a different way than you have or what you've been conditioned to and that even the law of the land may be on your side about. But Philemon, the sharing of your faith is going to become effective by what you do with what you're about to learn. You have an opportunity to set the example for the church there. You have an opportunity to set the example for the rest of everyone who is the people who are ever going to read this epistle that God put in the book. When we find ourselves in conflict, emotions can take control. We can be mad. That's a natural reaction to everything. It's a natural human reaction. But at some point, you know, we have to look at who we are.

What's the sharing of our faith? How would God have us deal with this? How does it work in His plan? Does He want us to just take the opposition in a stance that says, I'm not talking about it anymore? Or does He want us to resolve? Well, it makes it clear in this Bible, He wants us to resolve concepts. He wants us as much as dependent on us to be at peace for the conflicts to be resolved.

And to show our faith and our commitment to God by, as we'll see in a bit here, sometimes swallowing our pride, sometimes sacrificing something, never compromising, never compromising God's law, but sometimes sacrificing some of ourself, that our faith and what we believe and that we follow God is something that we are doing. So here in verse 6, you know, He kind of prophesies with that. And as Philemon is reading this letter, if he tears it apart, as we're doing, if he reads this letter over and over again and sees what is Paul talking about, he begins to show him, this is what, this is what you're about to face here. In verse 7, he says, for we have great joy, we have great joy and consolation in your love, because the hearts of the saints have been refreshed by you, brother, as he goes on to commend him for what he's done and to recognize his position.

And in verse 8, in verse 8, he reminds Philemon of who he Paul is, therefore, though I might be very bold in Christ, there I might be very bold in Christ to command you what is fitting. Now he's saying, you know, I have the authority here. I am the apostle. I could write and say, Philemon, this is what's going to happen. Again, he doesn't want to do that, but he reminds him what he says is going to be based on the Bible, what he says is going to be based on the Word of God, kind of puts it in Philemon's mind, pay attention, you know, just like when we might get involved in it, and you might, you might counsel with someone in the church, and they, you know, that you might be a mediator in between two parties that have a similar situation here, that there is an authority in the Bible, and we're all reminded the Bible is the Word. The Bible is our authority. That's what we live by, and sometimes some of the things in the Bible we have to swallow our prize, and it can be, it can be a difficult thing to do, as Philemon will learn here in a minute. Therefore, he says, though I might be very bold in Christ to command you what is fitting, yet for love's sake, I rather appeal to you. I'm not going to come out and tell you what to do. I want you to learn that because love is one of the things that you are learning to do, Philemon. Love is one of the things you are all learning to do, people of God, and in this area of conflict, there's love that still has to be there. We can't throw it out the door just because someone makes us mad or offends us in some way.

Love binds together, and the love of God brings two people together. That's what his goal is, is the oneness, not separation, not division. We know who that's of. So he says, I want you, for love's sake, I appeal to you. Being such a one is Paul the aged and now a prisoner of Jesus Christ.

I also follow what Jesus Christ said, even though it may not be the way I would have done things, and certainly Paul's past indicated that he did one thing, but when he learned differently, he converted, he repented, and he went the other way. Now let's go back to Matthew 18 here.

Matthew 18, because Jesus Christ talks about conflict here that would happen between people in the church, in our families, and outside of the church as well. Matthew 18 verse 15 says, Moreover, if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone.

You got a problem with someone? Go and talk to him. Don't spread it around to everyone in the church. Don't send emails and say, you know, so-and-so did this. What do you think of that? Go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. And then he's got the little word, if, that he says, if he hears you, you have gained your brother. If he hears you. So there's responsibility on both parties there. The one who's offended or the one who sees a problem, the one who perceives there's a conflict here, has the responsibility to go and talk to the person.

Doesn't do any good to get mad about it and just stew on it. Doesn't do any good to voice it all over the internet and to all your friends and have them all say, I agree with you. If anyone has an issue, go and talk to him alone. Take the approach that we've seen so far in Philemon, not lording it over him, not accusing, this is what I see, this is how I feel, I'm coming to you as a brother, not as your judge and jury. And I know you do a lot of good things, but in this area, maybe we need to look at this a little bit because you're coming off and coming across in a way or whatever the issue is. But there's also the responsibility on that one being talked to, if he hears you, if he has the Holy Spirit, if God is working with him, if he hears you, you've gained your brother. If both parties have the Holy Spirit, that should be the end result.

You know, I've said it here before, and I remember a pastor we had decades ago who said, if there's unresolved conflicts in a marriage, one or the other isn't using or isn't living by the Holy Spirit. Because if both parties have the Holy Spirit, they will be able to work these things out, they will understand each other, and that marriage will come together. Someone isn't being led by the Holy Spirit if things don't work out. But it's incumbent, if he hears you, which means not everyone is going to listen, but we have to do our part. If he hears you, you gained your brother. So that's what Paul is doing here in this letter to Philemon. He's introduced it. Philemon probably doesn't have any idea as he's reading this what the issue is that Paul is leading up to. He's read these introductory lines. He probably knows something is coming up because of what Paul has said, but what is the issue that he is going to talk about?

And then in verse 10, he says, I appeal to you, for my son, and notice the word he uses, my son Onesimus, whom I have begotten while in my chains.

Now, I would dare say, if I'm Philemon and I read the word Onesimus prefaced by Paul saying, my son, I probably found the hair on the back of my neck stand up a little bit, right? Look what he did to me and you're calling this man my son? Look what he did to me. Look what he did to me.

And yet Paul is saying, he's my son whom I have begotten while in my chains.

Perhaps, perhaps Philemon had to stop at that point and gather himself. Maybe he had to go back and read the first part of that. Maybe he needed to read this letter three and four times before he could do whatever he did because the Bible doesn't tell us how Philemon really received this.

It's a very good approach that Paul gives us here, but it doesn't tell us how Philemon responded.

It doesn't say that he accepted Onesimus or not. We just have the example of how Paul approached it, that God has given us. So he pretty much tells him, he was once unprofitable to you.

Look what he did to you and I understand, Philemon, he was not a good servant. He either ran away, escaped, or did something to offend you that it was against the law. He was unprofitable to you.

He acknowledges it. What he did was wrong. Can't justify it in any way, shape, or form.

He was once unprofitable to you, but now is profitable to you and to me.

Philemon is probably wondering how. How is he profitable to you and me?

Well, Paul will explain. I am sending him back. I'm sending him back. He has to go back to you.

And he understands as a part of his conversion and calling, he's got to go back and he's got to make amends with you.

He wronged you. What he did, we can't justify. He's got to acknowledge it.

And there are people in the Bible, when they've done a grievous wrong, that God does have them go back and acknowledge that sin to the one who's been offended.

Now, we read it in Hebrews 12, and we were reading about the bitterness that can come between people.

And he talked about Esau. There was Esau. And Jacob, you can't defend what Jacob did.

Jacob stole the birthright, tricked him out of it, and then tricked him out of the blessing as well. You can't defend what Jacob did. What he did was wrong.

And yet he went off and he became a different person. And while he was in the employ of Laban, to his credit, he obeyed God. He became a converted man, and God worked through him. And the lineage of the sons of God, if you will, the lineage of God, went through Jacob.

It didn't start off well. But at the end of the time when Jacob was there, you remember God made Jacob go back. You're going to go back to Esau. You need to acknowledge to him what has happened. What has happened? We see the same thing happen with Joseph and his brothers. The brothers, what they did was wrong. They did it out of envy. They did it out of covetousness. They wanted to be the favorite. They were mad that Jacob favored Joseph so much.

But God made the two of them resolve that conflict later in life. And here between Philemon and Onesimus, Paul recognizes, you know, I can't just tell you he's become a member of the church and he's going to stay here in Colossae. I'm sending him back.

The two of you, it's God's will that you reconcile. The two of you, this conflict needs to be resolved and put the issues behind you. I'm sending him back. You, therefore, receive him that is my own heart.

Difficult thing, Philemon. It's going to be hard on Onesimus. It's going to be hard on you.

But he needs to go back. He needs to ask forgiveness from you. You need to give forgiveness to him.

What he did was wrong, but we've all made mistakes. And now we are brothers going forward.

And there needs to be the reconciliation and this oneness that God wants for every member of his family. He's not interested that we're friends or at peace with 99 percent. He wants us to be at one with all of our brothers and sisters. He wants us to be at one with him.

What he looks for is that reconciliation and that resolution of whatever conflict there is.

So one of the things that happens in conflict resolution, and a big one that we see in this, is for parties to forgive one another. Now, we could go through any number of verses on forgiveness. You know the verses on forgiveness as well as I do. In Christ's own prayer, he sucks. And in the model prayer that he gives for us to pray to God, forgive us our trespasses as we forgive others who trespass against us. And then in verse 14 of Matthew 6, he says, if you don't forgive others, God won't forgive you either. It's part of what we do. And sometimes the forgiveness can be something we have to swallow on, but God says it must happen when a mistake is acknowledged and when it's talked about. You know, as I was going through this chapter, I went online to see what are some of the conflict resolution methods that some of the people in the world would use when you look at what counselors have and what they talk about. What is it what they have? And they don't really talk about a whole lot of the things that we've talked about ahead of time here. Some of them will mention that you can't come in with an angry attitude, but you have to be willing to listen to one another, as it says in Matthew 18.15. If he hears you, because sometimes you get into conflicts, and the other person just won't hear, right? We've probably all been in a situation where the other part says, I'm not listening to any of it. I didn't do anything wrong. I'm not going to pay attention to it. Blah blah blah blah blah. You know what? Our job is done. That's the attitude that is there. But listen to what this is from Mediate.com. This is the U.S. Navy's website. This is what they say on one of the things about forgiveness. It says, every conflict has many sides and there is enough responsibility for everyone to accept blame. Attempting to place blame only creates resentment and anger that heightens any existing conflict. In order to resolve a conflict, we must accept our share of the responsibility and eliminate the concept of blame.

You know, I think that's true. I think if we looked at ourselves and if we looked at the situations we've been in, all of us have some fault in the conflicts we are. And to acknowledge those things is what we need to do. Maybe we need to take an honest look at ourselves and say, you know, I didn't approach that right. The dynamics of relationships change and we need to kind of understand the other person where they're at and adapt to the situation never compromising God's law, but not always pointing the finger that it's their fault. Their fault, their fault.

Isaiah 58 is a very good, very good treatise on that, I think, is verse 13.

When you fast, he says, eliminate the waving, the pointing of the finger at someone else.

Kind of look at yourself, honestly, and ask God to see what could I do differently within your law to resolve this conflict? Is there something about me that's creating this conflict that could be resolved? Paul knew in Philemon. Philemon could put his fist down and say, it's wrong. I'm not going to acknowledge this man. He was my slave. He ran away. He did me harm. I don't want anything to do with him. I can't accept him. And Philemon, in the world, that would happen. But Paul is saying, you know what? You've got to forgive. It might be difficult, but Philemon, you need to look at yourself, too. You need to see what you might do if you do that. You need to remember who you are. You need to be an example of the faith that you say you have and be able to become effective in your life by the things that you do. So in verse 12, Paul is sending, saying a thing, I'm sending him back to you. He can't just stay here with me and ignore what's going on. He's going to have to go back, and you, too, are going to have to face up to one another, and you're going to have to work this out. You, therefore, receive him. Verse 12 of Philemon, that is my own heart.

I love this man, is what Paul is saying. I wished, verse 13, to keep him with me, that on your behalf he might minister to me in my chains for the gospel. I think so highly of him.

I wish I could just keep him here. He's been a loyal servant. I've watched him grow. I've watched him take hold of the scriptures. I've watched him apply them into his lives. I see his heart.

That's what I want to do, but in verse 14, he again humbles himself, but without your consent, I wanted to do nothing. I understand the issue. I understand what went on. I want you to agree to this, too. I want the potential conflict between you and Onesimus to be worked out. Then I can use him the way that I wanted.

You know, God might say the same thing about us. If we're in conflicts with someone in the church and whatever, he might say, you know what? I want to see you work that out with them. I want to see you work on that and build that relationship back as much as it is possible and as much as it depends on you, because that's what he's about. If you and I continue to serve God and we're in the kingdom of God, you can guarantee there's going to be conflicts in the kingdom. People that live over into the kingdom, they come from a world of conflict. It's not going to be eliminated the day that Jesus Christ returns. You and I are going to be teaching conflict resolution. There's going to be people that have issues with one another. I hate this person. I hate that person. They did me wrong. What are they doing here? This isn't right. There's going to be a lot of reconciliation that goes on. There's going to be a lot that you and I are having to do. And you know what? The only way we can effectively teach it is if we've practiced it in this life. And every single one of us will have the opportunity. No one's going to be exempt from this. Every single person has an opportunity to practice this somewhere in their life and probably many times over.

It's something that God gives us to do. But Paul says, I'm not even going to use Onesimus unless you approve, Philemon. It's on your shoulders right now. Without your consent, I wanted to do nothing. That your good deed might not be by compulsion, as it were, but voluntary.

The ball's in your court. The ball's in your court, Philemon. I could make you do it. I could tell you what's going to happen, but I want to hear it from you. I want to hear the God's Spirit that is in both of you that you have come to a court and you have worked this out.

Verse 15, for perhaps he departed for a while for this purpose, that you might receive him forever.

Well, Paul, you know, when you read that verse, you might think, that reminds me of Esther. And Esther 4. What does Mordecai tell Esther? Maybe for this reason.

You're queen for a time such as this. God puts you there. Let's see what you do with it, Esther.

Are you going to sleep back in fear, or will you rise to the occasion? And Paul is telling Philemon the same thing, for perhaps he departed for a while for this purpose, that you and he can learn a lesson, that God can see what's in your heart, that you can work this out, or God sees that you're just not going to close the door, but you're going to work, and if he hears, you'll be reconciled. And if he doesn't, that's okay, because that's his decision.

But at least you tried. Perhaps he departed for a while for this purpose, that you might receive him forever. You will be brothers forever in God's plan.

It's not going to be that you can move to the other side of the universe and never see that person again, right? God says, I want you to be one with everyone. I don't want any division. I don't want people having their little, you know, their little cliques and their little people that they will talk to and others they won't. I want you to be one. I want you to be a family. I want you to love one another. I want you to work things out. I want you, as one body, my future bride, working together as one without any of these issues between you. For perhaps that's why this happened, that you might receive him forever because if he's converted and he's accepted the sacrifice of Jesus Christ entered into his grace and God gives his grace to him, it's forever. Forever that you will be brothers. No longer as a slave, but more than a slave.

Whatever you thought of him in the past, and up to this time all you thought of him is, I own him. His job is to do what I say. But now the situation's changed. He's grown up, if you will. Now he's a spiritual brother. He's no longer that little person that you could just push around and demand everything that happened. Now he's changed. Now you have to work with him on a different level.

No longer as a slave, but more than a slave, a beloved brother. Especially to me. But how much more to you, both in the flesh and in the Lord. How much more to you in the flesh and in the Lord. He's got to become important to you, a beloved brother.

That means you've got to change your mindset. That means you've got to change your mindset a little bit. You have to see him in a different light. You're going to have to understand where he is now. You're going to have to work with him. You're going to have to work this relationship out, because I'm sending him back. And I want to know the two of you can work together, not with you as his boss, but that you are his equals working in the church there in that area.

Philemon might begin to see it's more than just saying, okay, this is a whole mindset I need to go through. I need to have God. I need to pray to God. I need to ask him, what do I do? How does my mind change where he's concerned? How can I accept him as an equal after what he did to me?

Same thing we might have to go through. After what he did to me, can I forgive him? Can I accept him?

Can I work out a plan that we can be together again on a different level than we were before?

Philemon begins to point him to the future here. But this is a long-term thing, not just a one-time thing. The onus of this is coming back. You guys shake hands. He comes back. You'll never see each other again. Verse 17. Well, I guess I can mention in verse 16 here, you know, that was going to take some sacrifice on Philemon's part. He was going to have to see things differently. He was going to sacrifice his own ideas, his maybe anger that he had toward Onesimus. He was going to have to surrender some of those ideas to do what God wanted to say. He was going to need to let it go.

And sometimes when we resolve conflicts, there's a little bit of sacrifice that both parties have to make. Onesimus certainly was going to. Philemon was going to. You and I need to sacrifice when we're reconciled to God and the conflict between us and Jesus Christ that was there before we were converted or called or baptized. And there's that conflict that continues the rest of our life. And we have to overcome that. We have to remember who we are and put those conflicts behind us and keep that attitude at bay with the help of God's Spirit.

Verse 17, Paul then says, if you count me, verse 17, if you count me as a partner, receive him as you would me. I'm sending him back. Treat him the way you would treat me. Now, we know what Philemon would have thought of Paul. He would have thought the world of Paul.

He wasn't thinking the world of Onesimus, but Paul says, if you count me as a partner, receive him as you would me.

Philemon begins to see what the future is, right? Verse 17 or verse 18, if he's wronged you or owes anything, put that on my account. If you lost money because of him and that's what's holding you back, Paul says, you know what? I'm so interested in you guys reconciling that this conflict being resolved, I'll pay you. I'll pay you for what it is. Paul is willing to sacrifice in this, too. Whatever I need to do, if that's the issue, put it on my account. Put it on my account.

Sometimes when we're involved, if we're a mediator, of course Paul is involved in this, too, because Paul has worked with Onesimus and sees him as a brother now. He's part of this whole potential conflict because Philemon might have had a conflict with Paul as well. How could you talk to him? How could you accept him after what he's done to me?

And so we could find ourselves in a similar situation as well. If he's wronged you or owes anything, put that on my account. I, Paul, am writing with my own hand. I will repay.

If that's what it takes, I'm willing to do it. Not to mention to you, he reminds him, that you owe me even your own self besides. Look at where you are, Philemon.

Look from where you heard the truth. It was certainly God who opened your mind, but I've been involved in your life. And it reminds him, look, look who you are, but if you want me to pay, I am willing and happy to do it. If that's going to be the thing, that creates it. Keep that, you know, we should be willing to do what it takes if we're involved in a situation like this as well.

Understanding that the most important thing to God is that the relationship gets resolved. At whatever cost to us, never compromising God's law, never compromising what we believe, but doing what it takes to come to a chord. Verse 20, yes, brother, let me have joy from you in the Lord. Refresh my heart in the Lord. I'm looking forward to you receiving this letter in the right spirit, that you may receive it just like the Bereans did. And when you read Acts 17 and 11, that you'll receive it with an open mind and you will do what it takes to make this turn out the way that God wants it to turn out, and yet you'll have him and his desire above your own. And what Paul wanted as well, let me have joy from you. Refresh my heart in the Lord.

God rejoices when he sees two brothers come together. He rejoices when we're at one. When he sees us practicing what he teaches in the Bible and us coming together again, he rejoices.

And Paul says, that's how I feel as well. If you work this out, if you two come together, if you hear what I'm saying, Philemon, you'll bring joy to me. In verse 21, he begins to point Philemon to the future. I have confidence in your obedience. I write to you, knowing that you will do even more than I say. You'll do even more than I say. See how he's kind of leading him? This is where it's going to go. I know you, Philemon. I trust you. I know that God works in you. I have seen his Holy Spirit working in you. I know that you're going to work this out. It might be a tough pill to swallow, but I know that you'll even do more than I say. You will accept Onesimus. You will be able to overcome self. Now, let me read again from this mediate.com because they say an important part of conflict of resolution is focusing on the future. You know, all too often in conflicts, what we remember is, you did this, you did that, this is what happened, but you got to focus on the future, what it is going to be like. Paul has painted a pretty good picture for Philemon of what it needs to be like. You and Onesimus need to be brothers. You need to see each other in a different light. You need to work this out because you're going to be brothers forever. This is from mediate.com. In order to understand the conflict, it's important to understand the dynamics of the relationship. Things change. People change. Ideas change. People grow up.

Mates may become converted. The thing is, the past has to be forgiven and left behind and buried. Just like God forgives our past and buries it. In baptism, we have to bury the past and begin anew. And we have to see each other in a different light that God wants this to happen. In order to understand the conflict, it's important to understand the dynamics of the relationship, including the history of the relationship. However, in order to resolve the conflict, we must focus on the future. How things are going to work going forward. What is it that we need to do? We need to talk about what's caused this conflict. We need to resolve them, but we need to see how in the future we go forward without compromising God's law, without compromising His purpose, but looking to see how do we go forward from here. What do we want to do differently tomorrow? Look for ways to assure that we are all better off tomorrow than we are today.

And there is a way out. Takes two parties talking, takes two parties praying, takes two parties wanting to work it out.

Might take an intermediary like happened with Paul to make it all happen.

And in verse 22, we see Paul presupposes this is all going to work out. Even though the Bible doesn't tell us it's going to work out, he is. He says, Meanwhile, prepare a guest room for me, for I trust that through your prayers I'll be granted to you. I'm going to come, and I know that you're going to accept this, Onesimus. So you know what? Be looking for me. I'm going to come and visit, and you and Onesimus and I are going to get together. And then he does the salutation there or the greeting at the end. Let me just summarize here. Twelve points quickly that we saw in that letter since I wasn't very good about enumerating them as I went along. As we went through the letter, we see twelve things that Paul did as a kind of a model, if you will, for us when we're involved in a conflict and we want to be resolved. And this is a serious conflict. One, he says, come from a lowly position. Don't assert your authority and don't say, I'm the master of all this, and this is the way it's going to be. Come from a lowly position. You're there to work things out, not to dictate what is going to happen. And we see that throughout the letter there. Two, pray. Pray to God. Ask him to work it out and ask him to guide your thoughts and your presentation style, that you can do things the way that he wanted done. Three, make mention of the good things that the person does. Every one of us has good points. Every one of us has bad points. If we concentrate only on the bad, things are never going to get resolved. There are good features. We have to look for them and say that that's good, but recognize the circumstances that have led to this as well. Number four, recognize the authority of the Bible and God. And that's what Paul did to Philemon. You know, I'm doing this for love. You're doing this for God. It's him we wish to please, not ourselves. You know, between ourselves, we may never get this conflict resolved, but God expects us to do it. It's our job to do it. Do it in the name of love. Number five, present the facts and what the irritation is succinctly. Number six, acknowledge the fault on both sides and what has led to the conflict. Seek to understand the other side. Both need to forgive. Understand the other, the position of the other side and the dynamics of the relationship. Number seven, consider the view of the other party. Okay, the other dynamics that have changed. Number eight, perhaps God has allowed this to happen for a purpose to see you to learn how to resolve conflicts because that's going to be part of who we are going forward and certainly during the time of the millennium.

Number nine, remember you put yourself on an equal basis to the person even though you may have a superior position. Paul put himself on an equal basis there for that matter, reminding them that he could dictate this, but he was interested in a solution based on the heart. Number ten, be willing to sacrifice your own view but not compromising God's law or principles. Number eleven, encourage the person to do the right thing and look to the future of what the relationship can be. And twelve, the end result is all the parties will be at one. There will be a friendship that is lasting throughout. Like I said before, we don't know. The Bible doesn't say what Philemon did. We hope that he was able to resolve the conflict. Just as God hopes you and I will learn to resolve the conflicts in our life and please him in the process.