Why Do We Keep Pentecost?

How do you resolve communications in marriage? If you're married and the two of you are not talking or you're not getting along as well as you should, what do you do? The complaint from women is, he won't talk to me, and she wants to talk, and men say, well, all she wants to do is talk. And so you get the opposite side of the coin. I think you'll find that the key to resolving most family difficulties, whether it's communication or any other problem, actually lies with the man. Generally, if the man takes the lead and is a leader, the woman will follow. The problem is, too often men get all huffy, angry, upset, whatever, withdrawn, and so they don't talk. This is an area that I think is very vital in our lives, and the principle applies to all areas of communication. I'm going to be focusing on marriage today, but I think everything I say actually applies to all of us and our ability to communicate with each other, but especially our interactions in marriage. What I'd like to set is a goal for us to come to a better understanding of what communication is as it relates to marriage, and then how to go about improving that vital area of our marriage. Let me give you a saying that I think summarizes a problem we have with communication. Go something like this. I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.

Now, I think that's profound enough. Let me say it again. I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant. What does the word communication mean to you? I think we all have our view of it or lack of view of it or our take on what it means to communicate.

Let me give you a definition. This may be my definition, but I think it illustrates what we're talking about. Communication is a process. It's not just shut up and listen and let me talk. That's not communication. It's a process either verbal or nonverbal. Now, when I say verbal, that means you say something nonverbal. What if you were talking to somebody and they tell you they're really interested in what you're saying. They're looking back here. They look up. They look down. They don't pay any attention to you. The nonverbal communication is you're not interested, even though you say you are. So it's a process either verbal or nonverbal of sharing information with another person in such a way that he understands what you are saying. He gets it. He gets what you're trying to say to him. There are three things that are involved in the process of communication. One, talking. Two, listening. Three, understanding. Now, some of us are real good at talking. Some of us aren't very good at listening at all. And when it comes to understanding, who cares about understanding? And that's where communication begins to disintegrate and begins to fall apart. One of the key problems in communicating is making yourself understood. How many times have you said, and I have to beat myself over the head when I say this, because this is what I tell my wife, well, why don't you understand what I'm saying? Well, that's not her fault. That's my fault, because I haven't gotten the point across that and articulated it well.

There are six messages that come through when you speak.

So anytime you speak, there are six different things that can happen. What you mean to say. What you actually said, number two. So you may mean to say one thing, but then you actually say something different. Third is what the other person hears. So they may hear something. And then four is what the other person thinks he hears. Okay, he hears, but what does he think he's heard? Number five is what the other person says about what you said. In other words, I can say something, and you comment about what you think I said. Now, I said, that's not what I said. Well, yes, it was. And then six, what you think the other person said about what you said. Now, actually, you can go on and on with this if you want to.

I think a sermon is a perfect example of what I'm talking about. Every minister who gets up and speaks thinks, I have explained everything that there is to know about that topic. There could be a question. And yet, if I were to poll the audience afterwards, guess what? There'd be 75 different ideas about what that sermon was about. In fact, I can give a sermon, and I can see how it's titled. And sometimes I wonder, where'd they come up with that title? That's not what I spoke on. But yet, that's what a person heard. And so, anytime you speak, you find that unless you make yourself absolutely, perfectly clear, as they say, perfectly clear, then it's not going to get across. To communicate, you have to listen more, talk less. Our problem is we love to talk and listen less. Well, you need to listen more. It's not uncommon for communication lines to be down. Bad storm comes along. Telephone wires are down. You're not able to communicate. We know that happens physically, but it also happens between human beings. It happens between husbands and wives, parents and children. It happens between friends, you and your boss, whoever it might be.

We need to be able to listen intensely. It has been estimated by those who are more experts on this than I am that we usually only hear 20% of what is said. And, consequently, have you ever found yourself? Now, I've done this to my wife. She said something. I didn't hear it all, but I tried to fill in the blanks, and I think I understood what she said, and I will respond. And she said, what in the world are you saying? It had nothing to do with what she said. It's because I thought I knew what she said, and it didn't come across. Listening effectively means not thinking about what you're going to say when the other person stops. What most people do is anticipating to stop. And so, while the other person is talking, you are thinking of a response, something else to say, something to add, whatever it might be. Remember James 1 and verse 19? James 1.19, that this is taken from the Living Bible, paraphrased. Dear brothers, don't ever forget that it's best to listen much. So, it's best to listen much. Speak little and not become angry. For anger doesn't do us good, as God demands that we must be.

So, it says here, listen much, speak little. And that's exactly what I was saying. Listening is more than waiting your turn to speak. Real listening is more than hearing words. It is seeking to understand what the other person meant. Seeking to get it. I remember on one occasion I had a couple I counseled with, and I think I may have mentioned this example before. They were having severe marital problems. In fact, they called me over to let me know they were going to get a divorce. And as soon as their child was old enough out of school, the wife had gone back to school, got a degree, and she was going to be lighting out on her own, didn't need her husband anymore. And they were going to get a divorce. I asked, well, why? Isn't there anything we can do? Can't we talk about it? Well, it doesn't do any good talk to him. He doesn't talk. So we sat down, and I said, sure, anybody can talk. Let me hear you talk. So, sure enough, he didn't know how to communicate. And she would say something, and he would get it all garbled. He didn't understand what she was saying. And I had to go back to what I called the eye expression, where when you're talking to somebody, you have to repeat exactly what they said. And I gave them an example. What if your wife told you, go buy me a loaf of bread? We need bread. What you should say is, I believe you asked me to go get a loaf of bread. Is that right? Now, what if he said, I think you said that I should go get a gallon of milk. Well, no, that's not what I said. What I said is, I want a loaf of bread. Oh, you want me to go get a loaf of bread. Is that right? That's right. Okay, I will now go get a loaf of bread. Now, you might think that's silly, but that's exactly what we had to do. And I went over there time after time after time. And after a year, they forgot about getting a divorce. They were now talking to one another. They could get along with one another. She said, actually, he's got some very good ideas. I just never knew what they were. And they hopefully lived happily ever after. I don't know. That's been several years ago. So, listening, then, is more than just hearing words. We have to seek to understand. Listening is not passive. It is active caring. You care, and so you want to get it. Our words can either build or hurt our marriage or human relations. You can either build or you can tear down. Remember, all human relationships are built on spiritual principles. And this is why human beings in this world don't get along. Because they reject the spiritual. They don't believe in spiritual principles. And they just come up with any kind of excuse. But Proverbs 18, 21 tells us that death and life are in the tongue.

We read, death and life are in the power of the tongue. And those who love it will eat its fruit.

But notice here the American Bible Society, the Good News Translation. I think the Good News Translation here gives an excellent translation of this. What you say can preserve life or destroy it. So you must accept the consequences of your words. We're all held accountable for what we say. The Bible says we will be brought into judgment for every idle word that we utter. So what we have to realize is that we are going to be held accountable. Let's go over to James chapter 3. James the third chapter. And we will begin in verse 2. Where we find a whole section here dealing with the tongue. How to use the tongue properly. It says, for we all stumble in many things. And if anyone does not stumble in word, he is a perfect man. Well, I must not be perfect yet, because I do stumble in word.

So he's not a perfect man, able also to bridle the whole body. Indeed, we put bits in a horse's mouth that we may obey us and we turn the whole body. Look at a ship, although they are large and are driven by fierce winds, they are turned by a very small rudder wherever the pilot desires. So we're all familiar with these examples that he's citing. Even so, the tongue is a little member. It boasts great things. See how great a forest a little fire kindles. Well, guess what? You can throw a cigarette butt out. Not that any of us would do that, but people throw cigarette butts along the side of the road, catches a few leaves on fire, first saying, no, you've got a raging forest fire.

Look at what happens out in Southern California every year. The same thing is true of the tongue. It's like a little spark and it can create havoc. And a marriage can create havoc between people in the church or it can build up the church, edify the church. So in verse 5 we read in verse 6, the tongue is a fire, a world of iniquity. The tongue is so said among our members that it defiles the whole body and sets on fire the course of nature and it is set on fire by hell.

For every kind of beast and bird and reptile and creatures of the sea is tamed and has been tamed by mankind, but no man can tame the tongue. On your own, you can't do this. You need help. We all need the help of God, God's Spirit. It is an unruly evil, full of deadly poison. So it pretty well describes what happens. A marriage can be damaged by sparks from the tongue. Many times I've found that we are more attentive, more talkative, and more decent with other people than we are with our mate.

And we will pay more attention to them than we will our mate. It's just sort of like your mate becomes like an old shoe. You get used to it and it's there. And you take each other for granted if you're not careful. What we have to realize is that our mate should be the most precious person in the world to us. No one else more precious to us. And we each are responsible for our tongue and our tongue training program. Now, how many of us have ever entered into a tongue training program where we've tried to train our tongues?

Well, in order to do that, you've got to get the brain in the gear, and one controls the other. In 1 Peter 3, we find here why it's important to do this. 1 Peter 3 verses 10 and 11. For he who would love life and see good days, let him refrain his tongue from evil and lips from speaking guile. So notice, if you love life and want to see good days, you're to do this.

Let him turn away from evil and do good. Let him seek peace and pursue it. So if we want a good life, if we want peace, then we need to learn how to control our tongue. Now, Proverbs 29 and verse 20, the book of Proverbs, as we all know, is just chock full of information on the tongue.

But Proverbs 29 and verse 20, do you see a man hasty in his words? There's more hope of a fool than for him. So we've got to be careful and not just blurt out the first thing you think. Too often I've seen people, they just first thing pops in their mind, they say it. And they don't stop and think, is this the right thing I should say?

Or should I say it this way? Or how should I give this or communicate it? No, they just sort of blurt something out. So the Bible says, don't be hasty. In Proverbs 15 and verse 23, Proverbs chapter 15, 23, 23, a man has joy by the answer of his mouth, and a word spoken in due season, how good it is if it's spoken in due season. Well, we want to concentrate on making sure that we choose the right word. Remember this, we have one mouth, two ears.

And that indicates how much we should talk and how much we should listen. Twice as much listening will get us a lot further than twice as much talking. Now again, what is it important? Why is it important that we listen? Chapter 18 here in the book of Proverbs in verse 13.

Chapter 18 verse 13, he who answers a matter before he hears it, it is a folly and a shame to him. So if we answer before we really know exactly all of the particulars, then it is a folly. So, we all get wrapped up in our own self-interest. Let's submit it. We all tend to be basically selfish. And so therefore, our communication comes from that perspective if we're not careful. We try to second-guess each other and what the other person is saying. We think we know what they will say. And we cut them off a lot of times. Somebody will start to say something. We cut them off. Oh yeah, well I know and you will answer. And that's not where they were going at all. So we have to be careful. When husbands and wives start listening to each other, an amazing thing happens. They begin to feel that they're understood. My mate understands me, understands my feelings, understands where I'm coming from, understands my desires or my hopes.

What reasons do people give for not communicating? There are all kinds of reasons, but the experts basically summarize them into four different categories as to why people don't necessarily communicate. Number one, I just can't talk. That's their excuse. They don't have the ability to talk, can't talk to others. And maybe it's because they've never really developed the skills. I remember when some of our sons were growing up, Norm and I used to talk about that it seemed that God only gave them so many words, and they were careful how many they were using because some of them didn't like to talk too much, and you really had to engage them to get them to communicate. Now, once they got started, you know, they were just like a river, a torrent. You know, they would talk. But sometimes this is an excuse that people use. They'll say, well, it just can't talk to one another. A second reason is people are afraid to expose their thoughts. What will somebody think of me if they know that I think this way? And so, you know, I'm going to hide my thoughts from them, so I don't want them to know my thoughts. Thirdly, sometimes we say, why bother? We won't do any good. Why bother talking? You know, the other person's not going to get it, so we don't try to talk. And then fourth, sometimes we think that our ideas are not worth anything. So, you know, nobody wants to listen to me. Who am I? You know, I'm nobody, so why should I even speak? So we don't want to communicate. Now, having said that, I haven't even begun to address the approaches that killed all communications. There are things that you do if you do them. Well, totally wreck communications. Things such as anger, resentment, bitterness, neglect, lack of forgiveness. You could go on and on and on. You know, the way human beings react. And as a result of that, what you find is that people clam up. They don't want to talk. There are five levels of communication. And most of us talk on level one or two, because that's non-threatening to us. When we get down to levels four and five, we begin to expose ourselves. We open the doors, so to speak, so that people can look into and see who we are, how we really think.

The five levels of communication. Let's start with the bottom. Number one, cliches. Cliches. Now, I think you can think of all kinds of examples of things that are cliches. This is a type of communication where there's no personal sharing.

Each person safely remains behind his screen. We use words such as, well, how are you? Oh, I'm fine. Okay, what did you find out? Nothing. What is I? I'm fine. Well, isn't that how we normally approach each other? We say, fine. Actually, we could be upset. We could be hostile. We could be discouraged. We could be frustrated. We could be all kinds of things, but I'm not going to let anybody know that I'm feeling that way. I'm supposed to be cheerful. I'm supposed to be happy. I'm supposed to be whatever. So, I don't want anybody to know that sometimes I get discouraged or down.

This happens a lot of times where we come up and say, how are you? I'm fine. Well, I'm fine, too. Great. Good to see you. Well, good to see you. We go on to the next one. That's what happens at church a lot, isn't it? We flit around. We talk to one another in cliches. Now, there are times for cliches, but not all the time. Now, the second level, this moves up a little bit, reporting the facts.

Talking about facts, information, or facts about others. Just the facts. Nothing but the facts. We share gossip. We share little narrations, but we do not commit ourselves on how we feel. It's the type of conversation where we're very content to tell others what somebody else said, but we don't offer any personal commentary on it. It's like reporting the evening news. Well, there was a wreck out here on Highway 75, and the weather is going to be getting colder. You can expect rain here in the future. You're just giving facts, just information. It could be something like this. Well, did you hear about... I better be careful who I use here. Joel and Sue. Well, she's pregnant again. Well, you've given somebody facts. Joel and Sue are pregnant. Actually, Sue's pregnant. But, well, that reminds me. My dog's pregnant, and he's going to have puppies. So, you go on from there, and you keep talking about facts, information. Did you hear about what happened? You'll recite some information. Now, there's nothing wrong with passing on information. But, again, if that's always the level of your conversation, you're not responding very deeply. Now, thirdly, are ideas and judgments. You get into ideas and judgment. Now, this is where some real communication begins. The person is willing to step out of his solitary confinement and risk telling some other person about his ideas and decisions. You know what? I've decided I'm going to move. I'm sick and tired of the job market here. So, we've decided we're going to move to, you know, Timbuktu, and I think I can get a good job there. So, you've exposed yourself. You've told about a decision, an idea that you have, and the reason behind it. Now, the person is very cautious, though, if he senses that the other person is not accepting what he says he will retreat. What if the other person says, that's a bunch of baloney. This is the greatest area you could ever live in. Why would you want to move from here? You know, the job market here is wonderful. I don't understand.

The person pulls back and doesn't say anything else. You know, they've been put back in their place because the other person has expressed his opinion and his opinion doesn't jive with your opinion. I mean, there are all kinds of examples you could think of, and you like this, such as I just gave. Fourth level is your feelings and emotions, where you begin to talk about your feelings and emotions. Now, the person begins to share how he feels about facts, ideas, and judgments, and everything underneath that begins to be revealed. And if a person really begins to share himself with another individual, he gets down to the level of sharing his feelings. An example of this, wife might say to her husband, I just cannot take another long trip of all those kids in this car. We've got to get a van. If we take another trip, they are going to drive me crazy. Okay, what's the husband here? Wife's going crazy. Kids are getting to her. Car's too small, too small of a space. We need to be able to, for traveling long distance, for kids to have their own area in the car. So now she's expressing her feelings. You might say something like, well, how can we handle these payments? If we go into debt for another bigger car, well, we're not going to be able to pay for it. I'm really afraid to do that. I don't think we should do that. You see, a person begins to expose how they really feel about it. And if a husband says, well, you know, I think we need to buy this brand new Honda motorcycle. That's something you've wanted all your life, isn't it, sweetie? You're talking to the wife. Well, yes. Well, wonderful. We both want it. I think I'll go out and buy it. Now, instead of her saying, you've got to be kidding. I wouldn't get on one of those to save my life. You know, and express really how she feels, you know, politely, but respectfully, but still lets her emotions and feelings know. And then that brings us to the fifth category, the one that we dip our toes in occasionally. And that is complete emotional and personal truthful communication. Complete emotional, impersonal, truthful communication.

All deep relationships, especially marriage relationships, must be based upon openness and honesty. This may be difficult because it involves taking a risk. It involves being rejected because of your honesty. Now, I'm not talking about somebody who always comes up who's brutal. You know, there are people who are like that, and, you know, they have no reason to say anything, but they come up to anybody they see, and what do you have that dumb-looking hair style for? And they're always trying to be honest. We're not talking about that. But we're talking about where you expose yourself, and you're being honest. There are times we achieve this type of communication, and there are times that we don't. How often would you say something like this? You know, I've been offered this new job. I don't think I'll take the new job. I'm not sure I have what it takes. I don't have the skills. I don't have the background. I don't have the training. I don't think I'm the person for that job, and you're just being honest about it. Now, your mate may say, well, you know, honey, you do wonderful with that job because you do have training. And, you know, tell you, not trying to butter you up, but being honest, where we honestly express with one another how we feel about things. Now, why is this important? Well, what level do we communicate with God? Do we just give cliches to God? Do we just report the facts to God? Or, when we pray, are we able to open up before God? Are we able to say, Father, this is the way I am? I mean, we repent, and we acknowledge our weaknesses and our faults. There are a lot of things that we will say to God that we won't say to another human being, because we wouldn't want another human being to know them. And I'm not talking about we should go around blabbing all of our private sins to everybody. That's not the point of what we're talking about. But we need to make sure that we have a deep communication and relationship with God. In a Christian marriage, there are three beings involved. There's God, the husband, and the wife. And when we get married, we actually ask God to become a part of our marriage, that God would be there to help us. A break in communication between one of the members and God will affect the communication with the other. If for some reason you are having difficulty in your relationship with God, then it's going to affect your relationship going this way. If our relationship breaks going up, it's going to break going parallel. Let's notice 1 Peter 3 and verse 7. 1 Peter 3, where Peter touches on this.

It says, Likewise, you husbands, dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife as the weaker vessel, as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered. So God says that we are to honor our mate. We are to have understanding. We realize that the wife is the weaker vessel. That doesn't mean she's mentally weaker or emotionally weaker. It just means that women are not skeletonly, normally, as strong as men are. And men tend to be bigger, stronger, you in that way. But we are to dwell together so that our prayers are not hindered. See, God loves us in spite of our failures and our defects. What if God looked down and said, uh-oh, look at that Christian. He's got defects. Well, I'll have nothing to do with him because he's defective or he's a failure. Is that the way God approaches us? Well, absolutely not. He sees our potential. He sees the outcome. He sees the end result of his working with us. And so we find that we should be willing to do the same with one another. I mean, I look around this room and I see a lot of defects. You look up here and you see a lot of defects. You know, there are a lot of faults that we all have, and we're defective. We're not 100% the way we should be. But yet, we still are friends. We still are brothers and sisters. We still are married, have our mates, and we relate to one another. So can we learn to love, to share, communicate with an imperfect person? I hope so, because God does. God communicates with us, and he expects us to communicate with him in spite of our being imperfect. And so we should be able to communicate with one another or among one another, even though we are imperfect.

One of the greatest roadblocks to communication is anger between mates. Getting angry. Getting you really upset. What is anger? Well, anger is a strong emotion of displeasure. A strong emotion of displeasure. Emotions generate energy within us. If something makes us happy, we're excited. Wow! We are energized, as we say. If we get angry, we get energized, but in the wrong way sometimes. Anger generates energy, which impels us generally to hurt or destroy what angers us, to strike back, to try to get even. Anger is a natural, reflective result of frustration. Our reaction to having a goal, blocked, we're frustrated.

And so we get angry. You come to your mate, and you ask your mate for something, your mate says, no, we can't do that or you shouldn't do that. You get angry. You want to, but they're standing in the way. And you get angry, you get upset. You stop and think about, well, should I be doing this or not? Well, yeah, they're right. I shouldn't. No, you're frustrated. And so you begin to lash out. Take the example of a little child in a toy. A little child may have a toy, and you don't want them playing with it. Maybe it'll hurt them. You take it away, and I won't. I won't. They'll start crying, and maybe they'll scream. They'll holler. They get all frustrated because you've taken away their toy from them. Anger can be positive or negative, one way or the other. Righteous indignation is not wrong when we see wrong. We see injustices, and we'd like to correct them. Now, whether we can or not is a different story, but we'd like to correct them. But believe me, we're not always that noble, are we? Generally, we're not that noble. Generally, we get angry because we don't get our own way. We don't get what we want, and we become frustrated. Now, anger is an emotion created by God. It's not evil of itself, but it's according to how it is used, whether it's controlled or not. Ephesians chapter 4 and verse 31. Let's go back there. Ephesians chapter 4 and verse 31. Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you with all malice. Now, notice all of the words that are mentioned here. Anger is mentioned. Anger is a boiling emotion, passion within us. Bitterness means resentfulness and harshness. A person becomes bitter. They lash out. They become resentful, and there's a harshness there. Anger here means fury, antagonism, outburst of temper. Wrath is indignation, violent anger that boils up and just, boy, you know, it's wrathful, goes beyond just anger. Clamor is outcry or brawling, and slander is abusive speech.

Some types of anger we should obviously put away, and I think here we find what most of those are. When these fruits are produced, when there's bitterness, and there's wrath, and there's clamor, and there's evil speaking, ask yourself, is this the fruit of God's Spirit? Is God's Spirit producing this? Or, as verse 32 says, let's notice, but be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God in Christ also forgave you. So you find that we are to be kind, not angry, wrathful, bitter, resentful, abusive, tenderhearted, forgiving. Now, doesn't that go the opposite of the way human nature generally runs? The way you see nations treat one another, the way you see political opponents treat each other? Are all of the people running for president having nothing but the greatest things, accolades, to say about their opponents? Do they get up? Well, you know, I shouldn't really be running for office. My opponent over here is really a terrific fellow. You should vote for him. Is that what you hear? Or do you hear every bit of dirt you can think of? Everything they can dig up, dump on the other person, they try doing it. Well, we are not to be that way, and it takes God's Spirit for a person to be able to change in this way. The book of Colossians chapter 3 and verse 8, Colossians 3 verse 8, But now you must also put off all these. So here are things that we need to put off. Anger, wrath, malice, blasphemy, filthy language out of your mouth, and do not lie to one another since you have put off the old man with his deeds. See, this is the way the old man is. And have put on the new man, who is renewed in knowledge according to the image of him who created him. So you and I are then to be created in God's image. So, brethren, we are to put aside these things, and they are not to be abiding or habitual with us. You know, being human, we all get angry occasionally. We get angry in a way that we shouldn't. We realize that. But there are some people who just seem to be habitually angry, resentful. And you can see it. You know, it's just part of their nature, their makeup, the look in their eyes, the way they respond to almost everything. And those people, indeed, are sad. Let's notice Proverbs 16 verse 32. Proverbs 16 and verse 32. He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty, and he who rules his spirit than he who takes a city.

So it's very plain that you and I should be slow to anger. That if you're slow to anger, you're better than somebody who takes a city, the Alexander the Greats, you know, the great rulers and conquerors and generals of this world. They would be put up, and they would be somebody who would be respected. And yet, God says in his eyes, you're greater if you are able to rule over your own spirit. In chapter 15 and verse 18, a wrathful man stirs up strife, but he who is slow to anger allays contentions.

So if you are hot tempered, you're going to stir up strife. I think almost every time I've lost my temper and I've said something, I say something wrong. When I get angry, the brain disengages and words just come out of the mouth that shouldn't be there. And I can almost tell as soon as I say it, why am I saying this? Because I'm angry. And you have to back up and say, no, this is silly. I shouldn't be acting this way. But how often do we do that? How often do we do that before it starts? No, I shouldn't be getting angry. That's not the right response in this situation. Well, we tend to get angry and then we back off. Now, there is such a thing as justifiable anger. In Mark 3, what I referred to earlier as righteous indignation, Mark the third chapter beginning in verses 4 and 5. We find here the example of Jesus Christ.

You might remember Christ healed on the Sabbath a man had withered hand.

And he said to him, is it lawful on the Sabbath to do good or to do evil? To save life or to kill? But they kept silent. So when he had looked around at them with anger, being grieved by the hardness of their hearts, he said to the man, stretch out your hand. And he stretched it out and his hand was healed or restored as whole as the others. And then the Pharisees went out and immediately plotted with the Herodians against him how they might destroy him. You can see why Christ was angry with them. Here, a person with a withered hand has it restored. And what are they going to do? They are going to judge and condemn him for healing. That he's working on the Sabbath. And in their mind, that shouldn't have been done. Consequently, they were going to kill him. They plotted to take his life. In Ephesians 4, 26 and 27, Ephesians chapter 4, beginning in verse 26, we're familiar with this scripture.

You should be aware that you're angry and yet you're in control. Notice, be angry and do not sin.

So one can have righteous indignation over a situation and not sin. Do not let the sun go down on your wrath. So it's saying don't harbor this anger. Don't just sit on it and let it boil over and then it comes what? Resentment, bitterness after a while. Nor give place to the devil. Now notice the Living Bible, how it translates this. If you are angry, don't sin by nursing your grudge. Don't let the sun go down with you still angry. Get over it quickly. For when you are angry, you give a mighty foothold to the devil. We open the door to Satan the devil to be able to influence us. And then again, the good news translation, if you become angry, do not let anger lead you into sin. Do not stay angry all day. Don't give the devil a chance. Don't give him an opportunity. Don't give him an inch. Close the door on him. The Bible doesn't teach us never to get angry. It says to control it. When anger or angry, self-control generally is at an all-time low. Reason and common sense generally forsake you and they disappear. How do we normally respond to anger? How do you respond to anger?

Well, we can control anger, can't we? To control anger is like building a fence around it. Back here in Proverbs 14 and verse 29, it says, "...he who is slow to wrath has great understanding, and he who is impulsive exalts folly." So if we are impulsive, get angry, and you fly off the handle, we don't control our emotions, then we exalt folly. You can be sure that folly will follow. Whereas if you're slow to wrath, you'll have great understanding.

You consciously try to keep your anger under control instead of allowing it to lead you into problems, spilling out non-controlled actions or words. So the first thing we can do, we can control anger. Now, we can express anger. Now, there are those who advocate. There's a school of philosophy today that says if a person is angry, the way to get rid of it is give them something to beat on. Punching bag, maybe a blown-up balloon of something, and so they get out there and they just hit it and hit it and kick it until all of their anger is gone. And supposedly, that's gotten rid of their anger. Well, they may feel better because they punched something, but has that gotten rid of their anger? Well, obviously not. If a person just cuts loose and says what they want to, they can do a lot of damage. Expressing anger with violent passion, yelling, sharp words, or high emotions generally gets results, but not the results you want. They'll get results because, I'll guarantee you, there will be a reaction. For every action, there will be a reaction, and there will be a reaction to that. We need to wait until we cool off. You ever heard go count to 10? Some of us have to go count to 100. Whatever you got to do, you go count. And again, it's Proverbs 29 and verse 11 says, Proverbs chapter 29 and verse 11, A fool vents all his feelings. He just lets it hang out. He says it. But a wise man holds them back. So you and I are to be wise in our dealings.

Now, another thing that people do with anger is they repress anger. The person who represses anger refuses to accept the fact that he is truly angry. He represses it. I'm not angry. Not me. And he just sort of sits on it, but he's boiling inside. And he's trying to repress it. He doesn't control it. We attempt to ignore them or refuse to accept the anger is there. You know, after all, Christians are not supposed to be this way. I can't be angry. I'm a Christian. Yeah, I can't react this way. And so we deny it. And this is where ulcers come from in many cases. This is where anxiety, headaches, depression, are the common result of repressed anger. We're angry about something. We don't deal with the anger. We don't deal with the problem. We just sort of repress it. And it boils up inside of us. And the first thing you know, it breaks out in a health problem. And people have health problems. Or repressed anger can come out indirectly in critical attitudes. Scapegoating. Or irritability. Why are you so irritable today? I don't know. You know, it's just one of those days I got up that way. Well, generally, somebody's angry about something. You know, something's teeing them off. And so, you know, they get up and they're irritable. Something is bothering them. And they haven't come to grips with it. Repressed anger hurts, and it keeps on hurting an individual. It can produce rigidity, coldness, and a person's personality. Now, it's not wrong to get angry, but we don't sin. Repression of anger is the worst possible response that we can have. Because it's going to lead to other problems and health problems, especially. We need to evaluate our anger by three conditions. Here are three ways to evaluate your anger. Is it directed at something wrong or evil?

Directed at something wrong or evil? It must be controlled and not heated or uncontrolled passion. And there must be no hatred, malice, or resentment.

Now, it's hard for us to react that way, isn't it? It's directed towards something wrong or evil. It's controlled, and it's not filled with hatred or malice.

We need to admit, when we're angry with our mate, recognize that we are responsible for our own emotional reaction. How many times have you said, you make me so angry? What do you mean, you make me? What did they do? Did they get a skillet and hit you over the head with it? Did they stick pins in you? No, you own your own emotions, your own feelings. Now, there are things that they may have done that you don't like, but that doesn't mean that they made you angry. You didn't control your anger, is what happened. Christ communicates with the Church.

His wife, you and I, the Church, communicates with her husband in prayer. We share with God our hopes, our dreams, our plans, everything. He listens to us.

You go to God and you say, Father, forgive me. I've done this stupid thing again. You ask God to forgive you. God doesn't say, okay, that's it. I'm zapping your house this time. God doesn't come down and zap you or send you. No, God listens. Now, you may bring problems on yourself because of our own stupidity, our own disobedience, but God is there to help us.

We all need to learn to communicate on a higher level with one another. There are times that you use all of these different levels, but in a marriage especially, it comes down that there has to be this deep giving, take and giving with one another. So we need to take advantage of those opportunities that we have to communicate. Try to listen and understand what your mate means. Try to hear them out. Be angry, but only in a proper way. Be tender and loving with one another. Be gentle with one another. When possible, discuss all major decisions and come to a joint conclusion with one another. Evaluate your marriage. How well do you communicate? From A to F, put something down. I communicate, you know, I'm average C, I'm above average B, oh I'm terrific, hey! Or, you know, whoops, you know, I don't do very well. D, I flat out don't talk at all. F, compare it with what your mate writes down and see where the two of you stand. Check with your mate later and see what she may have said. So, brethren, let's remember the example of Christ in the church and how God communicates with us. I mean, He has given us a whole book. Anytime you want to talk to God, you just open that book up and you read it and God just literally pours out ideas to you, thoughts to you, He shows you the way to live, what to do, what not to do. And we get down on our knees and we pray to God and we communicate. We're very glad that we can talk to God intimately and openly and share with Him and knowing that He will hear. Well, there are times that we need to be able to do so with our own mates. So, let's make sure, then, that we follow the example of Christ and the church and let's work on improving our ability to communicate.