Building Lasting Friendships

Having friends is important to all of us. Building friendships that last for years and through good times and bad can be a real challenge. This challenge is not only for young people who are learning all about what true friendship means, but also for us older ones who continue to discover the blessing of true and lasting friendships.

Today, we'll review what God's Word teaches us about friendship. The title is building lasting friendships.

We'll review what God's Word teaches about friendship, but I promise you it's going to be the basics. There is so much in God's Word that we could read, but we're going to touch on the basics.

When we talk about building friendships with others, we must be sure to build on a solid foundation. And for those whom God calls to have a relationship with Him and others in His Church, His Body of Christ, our relationships must be grounded in the Word of God.

In fact, God's Word must be the foundation of every relationship. Every relationship we have with every other human being, whether he or she is a family member or a friend, maybe a complete stranger, or even an enemy. Our interaction with our neighbor needs to be in accordance with God's Law, His Ten Commandments.

God's commandments are listed in their entirety in Exodus 23-17 and in Deuteronomy 5, 6-21. But if you turn to Matthew 22, I'd like for us to look at this. It's very familiar for a lot of you, but not for everyone.

Jesus summarized the Ten Commandments, as we can read, in Matthew 22, 36-40.

Jesus was asked a question, Teacher, which is the great commandment in the Law?

Jesus said to him, This is the first and great commandment, and the second is like it. You shall love your neighbor as yourself. On these two commandments hang all the Law and the Prophets.

All our interactions, all our relationships with others, ought to reflect our choice to believe God and to practice His way of love towards neighbor. That means that as a way of life, we will endeavor to honor our father and our mother, and we will choose not to murder, to commit adultery, steal, bare faults, witness, or to covet.

That means we will also strive not to make the mistake of only obeying the literal letter of the Law. We must also live by the broader spiritual application of God's Law as Jesus Christ taught, to even repent of sinful thoughts and attitudes such as wrath, hate, lust, and self-righteous pride.

In all our relationships and our countless interactions with people, both with those we deeply love, those meaningful ones such as with our mates, family, best friends, as well as those chance everyday ones with the other kids at school perhaps, or the janitors and the line ladies in the kitchen, or with the store clerks and those rubbernecking drivers. I'm still trying to get used to them. And sometimes even with our bosses, everyone, everyone, we've got to get along, and God requires us to practice that getting along with them by living his way of love towards neighbor. In John 6.63, Jesus said, We so very much desire to have. Now, as we consider how to build lasting friendships, it is helpful to know that not all types of friendships are the same, and not all friendships will last. Not every friendship we strike up will last. Now, some sociologists categorize friends and friendships into four broad categories. The first category is acquaintances. We have more acquaintances, probably, than we do friends, the rest of friends put together. These are the people we say hello to, and we're passing by. We don't really know them, and we don't really interact with them at all on a social basis, but we recognize them. Maybe they're a neighbor, maybe another student in class you don't really know well. So we say hi.

A second group is casual friends. Casual friends are fewer in number than acquaintances. These are friends with whom we share a common but temporary interest or purpose, primarily due to circumstances. These people could include coworkers, we work, teammates, or perhaps members of a school project, a science project of some sort.

A third group is close friends. Now the group's getting even smaller. These type of friends are smaller groups. These are the friends we choose to spend time with. We like them, and they like us. We visit their homes, and they visit ours. We share our thoughts and feelings. We might argue a little bit, but all without really harming the friendship.

Finally, we have intimate friends. Intimate friends typically number just a few, maybe several. We may have only five really good intimate friends in our whole lifetime. It's not always what our young people think. They have best friends forever, and there's many of them. But that's not really the way it works. Now intimate friends can tell us the truth openly and honestly, even if it hurts. They know all about us, and we know all about them. But again, this friendship develops over a very long period of time. Years and years. As we can see, not all friendships can or should be treated the same. Not with the same degree of familiarity, for sure. And again, most won't last for long. Yet, God requires that we treat all types of friends in an appropriately kind and loving way, according to His law. They are all our neighbors. Now, you may already know this, but God's Word tells us that in order to have friends, we must be friendly. Now, I'm sure the law of this thing, well, I know how to be friendly, but let me just say, maybe there's always more to learn. Let's turn to Proverbs 18.24. Proverbs 18.24. We'll be spending a little more time in Proverbs than we normally do in a split sermon, but that's where we'll be a good amount of time. Proverbs 18.24.

In order to have friends, we must be friendly. And so, Proverbs 18.24 says, a man who has friends must himself be friendly. But there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother. Now, being friendly doesn't come easily to everyone. Some of us are much more of a socialite, much more outgoing than some. But no matter who it is, it does take us a little bit of courage and a willingness to give up of ourselves for another person. So, imagine you're in a room full of strangers, or imagine someone is sitting at a table looking rather lonely and doesn't know everybody. What might you do to be friendly and to make a new friend?

Well, you might consider doing some of these options. For example, the first option might be, you make the first move. You make the first move. Instead of hesitating and waiting for that person to act, why don't you take the initiative and introduce yourself? Then strike up some warm chit-chat, break the ice a little bit, but be careful not to be a little too pushy or impolite, asking who you are, where you're from.

We don't want interrogation going on. The second option, I don't think it's too hard for the people I'm looking at out here, be pleasant and smile. Be pleasant and smile. You know, people enjoy being around others who are cheerful. So, a sincere smile in a relaxed manner can defeat shyness or nervousness. Not just in that other person, but in you, too. Also, you might try to let people talk about themselves. I know we don't like doing that sometimes, but when you're getting to know people, that's not such a bad thing to do.

Discover what interests you have in common with that person you don't really know real well. Ask questions that require more than just a yes or no response. You don't get very far in yes and no. Do you have a dog? Yes. That doesn't get you very far. What kind of pets do you have? What kind of pets do you like? See what I mean? It opens up a little bit more. It makes it more comfortable for them in you. Be sure to show real interest and see your interest. Try to remember what they say and talk about it. Fourthly, being friendly helps if you're patient.

Be patient. Being friendly is usually not something to be rushed. In my experience, little by little allows people time to get to know you and you get to know them. It takes time to build those closer, longer-lasting friendships. Now, doing any of these things you see on the screen, we've talked about, but any of these things can help us become more friendly and perhaps even create a new friend for us. A new friendship. Now, of course, I realize some of you have your own approach to doing these things. There's many more things you can put on the list.

But do what works for you. But whatever you do, make sure you're friendly. Let's look at Matthew 7, 12. Being friendly with others, let's be sure that we practice Christ instruction to us in Matthew 7, verse 12. You'll probably recognize this one. Matthew 7, 12 says, Therefore, whatever you want men to do to you, do also to them. For this is the law and the prophets. Sometimes this gets re-fashioned and called the golden rule, and that's another topic.

But the idea is love other people, all the way Christ teaches us about love towards neighbor. Practicing godly love and concern for others will help us develop those long-lasting friendships we really would like to have. But lasting friendships will require a little bit more deliberate giving and sharing than just the chitchat and introduction stage of making a new acquaintance or developing a casual friendship. Good friendships demand good efforts. Good friendships demand good efforts, and true friendships do not last by chance.

It's not an accident that good friendships last a good long time. Friends will come and go throughout our lives. Our interests will change. People change. Friendships change. You know that BFF we had in 4th grade, my wife said I better explain what BFF means. And I said, oh, everybody out here knows what BFF is. Best Friends Forever? Okay, now you do. Best Friends Forever you may have had in 4th grade. Well, that person may not be your best friend after you get married and have a family.

Times change. And without a desire on the part of both friends to keep the ties connected, keep the friendship going, some friendships will and do end. That's all normal. Sometimes, though, friendships we have come to cherish most are torn apart. And I suspect nearly all of us have felt hurt when friendships suddenly end. And sometimes, friends stop getting long for some unclear reasons. A lot of schoolyard friendships can be like that. And long-time close friendships can fall apart at times, sometimes without even any warning.

Lost friendships hurt, sometimes very deeply. I know that. But the good news is that we might be able to avoid such hurt and even have better relationships, better friendships, if we will listen to and learn from God's Word. For example, the Bible specifically warns us to avoid certain kinds of friends and friendships.

On the other hand, these warnings also allow us to reflect and consider what kind of friend we are to others. No one intends to be a bad friend, but you and I could be without realizing it. Now, what kinds of friends does the Bible warn us to avoid? Or rather, what kinds of friends should we not be? That's probably the better question. Let's turn back to the book of Proverbs. And we're going to consider four kinds of friends we do not want to be. We're going to start in Proverbs 19, verse 6. With the first type of friend we do not want to be, and that is, don't be a fair-weather friend. That's not what the Bible calls them. That's what I've heard and that's what I recognize is described here. Proverbs 19, verse 4.

To one who gives gifts. Do you notice why people that win the lottery have lots of friends all of a sudden? There you go. Now, as we can gather from these scriptures, these friends like us for what we have, not what we are. Fair-weather friends remain by our side as long as the good times and sunshine we provide last. But once hard times and stormy weather arrive, these friends will abandon us and seek out better friends elsewhere. We don't want to be a fair-weather friend. Skipping down to Proverbs 22, we don't want to be an angry friend. Don't be an angry friend. Proverbs 22, 24 reads, Make no friendship with an angry man, and with a furious man do not go, lest you learn his ways and set a snare for your soul. These angry friends are terrible at controlling their tempers. Not only will they throw embarrassing temper tantrums when they don't get their way, they may even become violent, another reason to be careful. They are negative and often whining at it's weary anyone good enough to be their friend. And although they hurt others, they frankly mainly hurt themselves because they drive true friends away from them. We also don't want to be a pesky friend. That's not scriptural either, that's my label. A pesky friend.

Proverbs 25, 17 Seldom set foot in your neighbor's house, lest he become weary of you and hate you. Why is everybody laughing at that one? I don't know. I guess because we do tend to spend time with each other. But that's a good thing. We just don't want to outstay our welcome. Pesky friends wear out their welcome and they wear out their friendships. They don't always know it, though. They don't know when to leave, when to stop demanding attention, or my experience in college, when to stop sponging off their friends. We used to call it mooching. They love friendship, but they neglect to respect others' times and boundaries. Don't be a pesky friend.

And fourth, don't be a false friend. Don't be a false friend.

Now, again, let's turn back to that proverb we looked at earlier, Proverbs 18.24.

Proverbs 18.24, as we previously read in the New King James Version, that first line is translated, A man who has friends must himself be friendly.

But due to the obscure meaning of the Hebrew words in that scripture, some translators render this line a bit differently. It's a little more interesting the way they write it. For example, the Revised Standard Version reads this way, There are friends who pretend to be friends.

There are friends who pretend to be friends.

This translation accentuates the deceitfulness of pretend friends, what we might call false friends. Now, let's also notice Proverbs 27.6.

Proverbs 27.6, Faithful are the wounds of a friend, but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful. Kisses of an enemy are deceitful. False friends appear to be true in loyal friends, but are actually rivals. They are really not for us as much as we might think. Young people use the word for false friends. It's called frenemies. It's enemy with FR at the beginning of it. A friend who is really an enemy. A frenemy. King David understood that hurt false friends can cause. Let's be turning to Psalm 55.

He understood just how false friends can hurt us with betrayal. In Psalm 55, verses 12-14, I'd like for us to read a little bit of David's description of the hurt he felt with betrayal of his close friend. Psalm 55 will start in verse 12. I'm going to read from the Revised Standard Version. It seems to more accurately render the Hebrew words for friend and companion than what I found in the New King James.

My version is going to read a little bit different. Psalm 55, 12, David wrote, It is not an enemy who taunts me, then I could bear it. It is not an adversary who deals insolently with me, then I could hide from him. But it is you, my equal, my companion, my familiar friend. We used to hold sweet converse together. Within God's house we walked in fellowship. Then down in verse 20, My companion stretched out his hand against his friends. He violated his covenant. His speech was smoother than butter, yet war was in his heart.

His words were softer than oil, yet they were drawn swords. Jesus Christ also experienced the betrayal of a friend with the kiss of an enemy, didn't he? If you notice, you can keep your finger here if you'd like. Luke 22. Luke 22, I just want to read that particular moment of betrayal as Luke records it.

Luke 22, verses 47-48. Luke 22, verses 47-48. And while he, Jesus, was still speaking, behold, immultitude. All these people showed up in the garden. And he who was called Judas, Judas Iscariot, one of the twelve, went before them, and drew near to Jesus to kiss him. But Jesus said to him, Judas, are you betraying the Son of Man with a kiss? Remember, the kisses of an enemy are deceitful, Proverbs tells us. And then shortly after that, if that wasn't enough, all the disciples forsook him in flood.

Matthew 26, 56, tells us. All his friends abandon him. So if and when we are betrayed and abandoned by our friends, and it will probably happen, we can be comforted knowing that our Savior can truly empathize with us when we suffer that painful hurt of betrayal. Now, we would all agree with God's Scriptures that these kinds of so-called friends are not the friends we would like to have. Neither are they the kinds of friends we would want to be.

No one wants to be a false friend. But that leads us to some unpleasant questions we need to ask ourselves from time to time. What kind of friend am I? Am I loyal, giving, thoughtful, and loving? Or, as a friend to others, am I a real stinker? What kind of friend are we? In all fairness, none of us will be the perfect friend. I don't want us all to go beating ourselves up. That's not my point. I just want us to think about it.

None of us will be the perfect friend. We're still only human. And even if we do discover something about ourselves that makes us stink as friends, we can't turn to God and repent. Angry friends can repent. Pesky ones, fair-weather friends, even false friends can repent. Those frenemies can become friends, true friends. Now, how can I say that?

How can I say that you can repent from being a false friend? Well, as we read, King David grasped the hurt that false friends cause. But do we forget that David himself had been a false friend to Uriah the Hittite? Remember that? David had arranged Uriah's death and then married his widowed wife, Bathsheba. How's that for a false friend? David eventually repented with profound and godly sorrow, as you can read in Psalm 51. David was called a man after God's heart.

He repented, of course. And so I'm quite confident we can repent of any mistakes we may be making in our friendships, too. Now, the Bible does give us some good direction, good principles of how we can develop lasting friendships.

And again, God's Word has got to be our vital guide in teaching us how to be and how to have good friends. And besides revealing to us then what kind of friends we should not be, the Bible also instructs us how to build and keep those really good, long-lasting friendships, to have close friends, to have those intimate friends, true friends. So again, we're going to go back to Proverbs. Back to Proverbs. Proverbs 12 to begin. And in order to build those better friendships, I encourage all of us to practice four basic principles of lasting friendships.

The first is one we really need to be sure we teach our children. It's very, very important. The first principle is, choose your friends carefully. Choose your friends carefully. Proverbs 12 to 26.

Proverbs 12 to 26 reads, The righteous should choose his friends carefully. I'm quoting. Or, because the way of the wicked leads them astray. We can and should choose who our close and intimate friends are. We must also teach our children to do the same thing. We may have to help them in understanding that some friends may not be good for them. Without understanding and practicing this principle, we will simply accept as close and intimate friends anyone we happen to fall in with.

I have done that to my regret, and we probably all have. I wasn't always good about choosing friends. You see, not to choose friends is very dangerous for us. It's dangerous because most people would rather be friends with the world than seek God's kingdom like we want to do. Again, keep your place, and let's look at a warning. James writes for us, James 4-4. James 4-4. He has something to tell us about friendship. James 4-4. Do you not know that friendship with the world is enmity with God?

Whoever, therefore, wants to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God. We need to help our children understand that not all good friends are good for them. Help our children to see that falling after friends in the ways of the world will not do them well. Instead, we need to choose our closest and most intimate friends wisely and to be sure that they are following God in His way of life. Back to Proverbs 27, the second principle. Friends sharpen friends. Friends sharpen one another. Proverbs 27-17. As iron sharpens iron, so a man sharpens the countenance of his friend.

This is not speaking about the iron you use to iron your clothes with. Sometimes I have to make things clear to younger people. This is about taking an iron file to sharpen a blade, a shovel, a hoe, an implement of some sort. Iron sharpens iron, so a man sharpens the countenance of his friend. Truly good friends are good for each other. Good friends are good for each other. True friends build each other up.

Just as an iron file sharpens the edge of an iron blade, so a friend should sharpen and improve the mind and the character of his or her friend. Sharpening a friend requires steady effort, just as when we scrape away the rough and dull edge of a garden hoe to make it more suitable for hoeing.

It makes it easier to get the work done. So, just as sharpening that implement improves its benefit to others, so should we try to sharpen our friends and improve them so that they can go on and help to improve us and to improve other people. Friends sharpen friends. Friends also serve one another. Ecclesiastes 4, 9-12 is probably my favorite place to go in the Bible when we learn about friendship. Ecclesiastes 4, 9-12, the third principle, friends serve friends. It's not self-serving, but let's look at these verses.

You'll see what I mean. Ecclesiastes 4, verse 9-12, then, we read, Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their labor. For if they fall, one will lift up his companion. But woe to him who is alone when he falls, for he has no one to help him up.

And again, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one be warm alone? And though one may be overpowered by another, two can withstand him. And a threefold cord is not quickly broken. Very meaningful scriptures about serving and sharing and cooperating. How serving, sharing and cooperating lightens one another's burdens, especially those really heavy burdens we face in life. And it's through mutual and humble service that true friends help and protect and strengthen one another.

Friends serve friends. The fourth principle, friends walk as one. Friends walk as one. True friends share unity of purpose. Consider the simple words, very powerful words of Amos 3-3. You can jot it down. You don't need to turn there. Amos 3-3, can two walk together unless they are agreed? I hope we don't forget that. Sometimes we become too friendly with our close friends in the world. Maybe they're really casual friends.

We have to be careful. We have to be friendly, but we have to be careful about who we might make our closest true and intimate friends. Can two walk together unless they are agreed? True friends may argue at times that's going to happen in any friendship, but ultimately they share and maintain common views on the most important aspects of life.

They are agreeable as far as to the need to obey God and seek first His kingdom and His righteousness. That is among the most important things to have when we walk together with our friend. So, much can be learned from the Bible about friendship and love towards neighbor. I encourage all of us to study more upon these topics because I promise you, I've only scratched the surface. But it does draw us to this question, who is our very best friend? Who is your very best friend?

When we consider the classification of friends we began with in this message and how friendship must be founded on obedience to God's law of love, we should ask this question. Who is our very best friend? The answer, our very best friend, is Jesus Christ. Now, I know that sounds kind of serpents and sappy, maybe. Traditional Christianity has turned that very true statement into something so serpents and overly sentimental that we might be tempted to cover our ears and reject that as something strange. Jesus Christ is my very best friend. But for us to reject that statement, that would be a very foolish thing to do because that would reject what Jesus Himself says in John 15.13.

Let's read it together, please. John 15.13 Jesus said, "'Greater love has no one than this, than this, than to lay down one's life for his friends.' Verse 14, "'You are my friends, if you do whatever I command you. No longer do I call you servants, for a servant does not know what his master is doing.

But I have called you friends, for all things that I heard from my father, I have made known to you.'" And after reviewing how the Word of God defines what we might call true friendship, what we've been looking at today, we may begin to realize that it is true friendship that Jesus Christ perfectly fulfilled and true friendship that He extends to those the Father calls.

Jesus Christ Himself is the ultimate true, loyal, and loving friend. Wouldn't you agree?

A true friend humbly serves and sacrifices Himself for his friends, and so Christ did for us.

In turn, we willingly and humbly sacrifice ourselves in obedient and loving service to God and to our neighbor. When we accept our Father's calling through repentance, baptism, and the laying on of hands, we receive God's Holy Spirit in us. And while we strive to walk in humble obedience to God's commands, we are becoming better and better friends of Jesus Christ. Have you ever thought of it that way?

Jesus Christ calls us friends, so we should not be ashamed to call Him our very best and most superlative friend.

That's not being sappy. That's being truthful. So, what have we learned today? What have we learned today? What have we learned from today's message? Well, based on what we've just learned from God's Word, I'd like to give us a little quiz of sorts. Now, I'm not going to count points. But based on what we've just learned from God's Word, let's identify which of the following quotations are either true or false. These are quotations you may have heard from out there in the world. You see them on greeting cards and posters and things like that. Let's look at some of these together and let's decide, are these quotations true or false based on what we've read from God's Word?

God's Word is our guide. First one, friends are born, not made. That's false. You're right. I got finger happy. Sorry. Friends are born, not made. Of course, we've read. You've got to work at friendship. It's not going to happen naturally or quickly, although people think that's true.

Here's another quote. Friends are the most important ingredient in this recipe called life. Isn't that sweet? It is a nice thought, isn't it? But it's false. They are not the most important thing in our life, unless you're talking about the friend Jesus Christ, our Savior, in our relationship with God and His Holy Spirit and obeying His law.

That's the most important ingredient of life. Here's another one. Evaluate the people in your life, then promote, demote, or terminate. You are the CEO of your life. Wow. That sounds kind of harsh, doesn't it? Is that true or false? It is true. It is true. You are in charge of your life. If you have a good friend, promote him.

Get to know him better or her better. Not a good friend. Demote him. Terminate him. I don't mean in the sense of the Schwarzenegger Terminator. Don't do that, please. That would break one of those laws. But terminate the friendship. You can find better friends elsewhere. The only way to have a friend is to be one. True. We must show ourselves friendly to have friends. A true friend accepts who you are, but also helps you to become who you should be. That is true. That's the iron sharpening iron, isn't it?

True friendship is when two friends can walk in opposite directions, yet remain side by side. I had to read that one several times to try to understand the logic of it. The answer is false. That goes directly again, same as 3-3. You can't walk together if you're not heading in the right direction. Never do a wrong thing to make a friend or to keep one.

That's true. That was from Robert E. Lee. I never heard that one before. Never do a wrong thing to make a friend or to keep one. Choose your friends wisely. They will make or break you. Absolutely true. Children, please know this and learn it and live by it.

False friends are like our shadow, keeping close to us while we walk in the sunshine, but leaving us when we cross into the shade. That is true. False friends do that. Those fair weather friends is what I labeled it. Shared joy is a double joy. Shared sorrow is half a sorrow. That goes back to Ecclesiastes, right? Several friends. I love the Swedes.

I love this proverb. This is a good one. Shared joy is a double joy. Shared sorrow is half a sorrow. Very nice. Be courteous to all, but intimate with few, and let those few be well tried before you give them your confidence. That is true. George Washington said that. Very, very wise man. Very wise man. And so, building lasting friendships is important to all of us. And God's Word provides us the instruction necessary to be a true friend. So, I'd encourage all of us to think about our friendships, to think about what sort of friend we are being to others. Let's continue to learn and practice true friendship as we continue to follow step in step, I pray, in the steps of our Savior, Jesus Christ.