Seven Ways To Develop and Keep Friendships

So we're ready to begin now with a message. And we have another coincidence. One is that this message is also related to the Sabbath thought that Jorge Aguilar read about how important developing and keeping friendships are in our lives. And so let's read this Sabbath thought again. Proverbs 27 verse 9 says, Ointment and perfume delights the heart, and the sweetness of a man's friend gives delight by hearty counsel. Another version has it, the heartfelt counsel of a friend is as sweet as perfume and incense. And certainly in this life, having good friends is one of the great delights, mentions it like perfume and incense. It is also a Christian virtue.

God expects us to develop friendships among ourselves, to be able to keep them, and also to cultivate them. Because just like beautiful things, they have to be cultivated, they have to be irrigated and taken care of, or they can wither up and die.

Now, as far as I'm concerned and biblically speaking, we see the principle that the most important friendship we have is with whom? It's not with another human being, it's with God the Father and Jesus Christ. When we pray, we have God the Father and Jesus Christ, but we should also think of them as friends, that they want to hear us, they want to share with us what we have, they want to know about us. So it's not just not a formal relationship, as we know God wants a more intimate family relationship. And certainly being a good parent also means that there's a good friendship behind parenthood. So it's not mutually exclusive. You can be a parent and you can also be a best friend. And during this Thanksgiving, hopefully everybody was able to get together with some friends and family and enjoy it. I know I cherish and I'm so thankful to God for the privilege of being a grandparent. I really didn't realize how wonderful it would be. It's almost like this latter part of your life. And I realize it is an honor, but to me, to have the grandkids in the house and for Thanksgiving is a special treat. We think it is more about them than about us. We're happy if they left home feeling that it was a great Thanksgiving for them. And I actually shared this with the family afterwards. We can turn to Colossians chapter one, because there is a great revelation here.

Just out of curiosity, when I read it, I'd like to know how many people already focused on this point and understand it, because to me, there's a new dimension in this. Colossians chapter one, verse 15, talking about Jesus Christ, says, He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn over all creation, the first one who has this birth.

For by him all things were created that are in heaven and that are on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or principalities or powers. All things were created through him.

And here's the clincher, and for him. So he not only created it, but it's actually for him, for his benefit. And who made that possible? God the Father. God the Father is the one that gave this gift to God the Son, which is the created universe. So it is for him to develop. He is the one that actually owns the entire universe. God the Father has provided for him to carry things out.

And so when you have these little grandkids and they're so innocent and enthusiastic, and you just enjoy them so much, and you think, well, I can understand in that sense why we were created because God wanted to give us this pleasure that these kids were part of God's manifestation of love, and that you can feel a bit of that. Think, boy, this is what life really is about. These relationships are the most important. It isn't the gifts. It isn't whether you're big or small, like a child. It's that lasting relationship. And so I feel the same way that, boy, I was created for Christ and for God the Father to enjoy one day that fullness of creation.

Notice in Romans chapter 8 verse 16, it wasn't just made for Christ. In Romans chapter 8 verse 16, it says here about the spirit that's in us. The spirit, it should be itself, bears witness with our spirit, talking about our spirit in man, that we are children of God. And if children, then heirs, heirs of God and joint heirs with Christ, if indeed we suffer with him, that we may also be glorified together. So Christ is going to share it with us.

We're nothing in comparison, but he wants to share it with us. You talk about the most fantastic friendship that we can have. That's the love of God the Father and Jesus Christ, how much they made.

Grandkids don't grow on gardens. No, they grow from us. They're part of, we have genetic makeup that our grandkids have of us. And so he created it so that we would have the lasting long-term relationship. So that's the wonderful news. And being co-heirs of Christ, that means heirs together. That's one of these wow scriptures. It should light up our eyes and minds to realize what all of this means.

So I would like to speak about developing and preserving godly friendships.

It's something we desperately need.

And so here are seven ways to develop and cultivate these godly friendships. Now, we have examples in the Bible of very good friendships. We know about Abraham and God, where Abraham was called a friend of God. You can read that later in James chapter 2 verse 23.

That God did not just treat him as a family member or that he was calling Abraham, but that Abraham could confide in him. They walked together.

And this was the word when he came down and was about ready to destroy Sodom and Gomorrah. But Abraham negotiated. He said, well, what if there are 50 righteous people? Would you destroy it? And went down to 40, 30, 20. He went down to 10. And guess what? There weren't even 10 righteous people. But that takes quite a bit of guts. It takes a lot of bravery to do that with God. And God felt, Abraham is my friend. He has that right. He has that privilege of speaking to me in this way. We also have the example of David and Jonathan in 1 Samuel 18, where you see that Jonathan was willing to even go against his own father because he knew that David was being persecuted unjustly. He realized that David was a rival to him. It was up to Jonathan, the one who was going to succeed his father. He was being groomed. And yet, Jonathan did not let power get in the way. And he didn't let envy get in the way. And he actually put David as his friend first and defended him and risked his life to defend David. We have other examples. Barzilay in 2 Samuel 29, 31, where he was the one that protected David when he was fleeing from Absalom. And Barzilay fed him, protected him, and David was so thankful afterwards because this man had always come through that he then said, Barzilay, what do you need? Whatever you ask, I will provide you. And Barzilay said, well, David, I'm too old. He didn't even go and say, oh, great, this is an opportunity to get more territory or get more power and wealth. No, he just had a petition about his children being with David in the future. But this is a tremendous example of friendship. And then there's a wrong example in the Bible because in the Bible you have good friendships and you have bad friendships, just like you do in life. Not all of them turn out as you wished it would have been. And so the Bible, as being a spiritual mirror that faithfully reflects what human beings are compared to what they should be. It also shows friendships that went bad, like a Hithafel, where David wrote Psalms 55 and talking about walking together with him. And they had sweet counsel together. Hithafel was a very brilliant counselor of David, but he turned on David. He betrayed David. And so David talks about that you were the fellow that was with me and we'd go into the temple together, and yet a Hithafel tried to destroy and have David killed.

And of course then we have Jesus Christ with his disciples, John, Peter, James. All of them became close friends. And then you have Judas, who betrayed him as well. So even the perfect person who never sinned had somebody willing to betray him for some money, money-grubbing person. And it reminds me, I'm going over a book, it's called Cold Case Christianity. And it's by a detective that always is looking and he, one of his jobs, is to go back to these cases in the past that have never been solved, these murders.

And so he has to try to weave all the facts together. And he was a non-believer. And then he started reading the Bible for the first time, and it sounded to him like something authentic.

And he read the New Testament and he started seeing the proofs of the resurrection.

And he said, all of these things sounded like my detective work, and that these people were not phonies, and that the resurrection had a lot of evidence going forward. And he eventually became a Christian. But in his book, he says, as far as his detective work, he says, people commit crimes and murders for only three reasons. I'll give you those three reasons next week, okay?

Keep the suspense going. No, I thought it was very interesting. He says, of all the thousands of cases that he studied, he said there are three categories. It's either power, money, or sexual, or other wrong relationships that develop in people. Those are the only three. So when he's a detective, he says, what are the motives? Always falls into one of those three categories. Isn't that incredible about human nature? That it repeats the same pattern over and over again. And so you see, Judas, he betrayed Jesus more than anything for money.

He was the one that kept the money. He was always thinking about money.

So don't ever think people are not going to betray you for some reason.

They have motives, too.

Jesus Christ mentioned about friendship in John chapter 15 verse 12.

John chapter 15 and verse 12. This is what Christ said to them. This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. That was part of the special music. So here's that coincidence that it was also mentioned. He says, greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one's life for his friends. You are my friends if you do whatever I command you. No longer do I call you servants, for a servant does not know what his master is doing, but I have called you friends for all things that I heard from my father I have made known to you. He really had an intimate, and he revealed intimate things to them. You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you that you should go and bear fruit, and that your fruit should remain, that whatever you as a father in my name he may give you. These things I command you that you love one another.

So true friendship is based on love. We're going to go into that a little deeper in these points that we're going to be covering.

So the first way to develop and cultivate and keep godly friendships is to put God first.

Don't be a respecter of persons.

So to have godly friendships, you have to have the strongest relationship with God the Father and Jesus Christ, not with any human being. Notice in Jeremiah 17, Jeremiah 17, in verse 7.

Well, let's start in verse 5. Jeremiah 17 verse 5, it says, So if a person puts anyone else first, God says that's wrong. There's a curse there. The person has created an idol. You can make an idol out of a person. You can love a person more than you love God. And you got the priorities wrong. Verse 6 says, In a salt land which is not inhabited. So God says, I'm not going to bless that type of person because he is a respecter of persons. He's putting someone above God. Verse 7, Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord and whose hope is the Lord, his trust, more than any person, more than any friend.

For he shall be like a tree planted by the waters which spreads out its roots by the river, and will not fear when heat comes, but its leaf will be green and will not be anxious in the year of drought, nor will cease from yielding fruit. So friends can abandon you, but not God.

He will be there for you. Verse 9, God answers, So you see, works are important. It's not just about talking about or praising God. It's in the actions, the fruits, the results, and how we build friendships.

If we put the right priorities, if we're putting other people first, we're not having good fruit. In James chapter 2, he discusses this same principle about putting God first and not being a respecter of persons. In James chapter 2, verse 1, James says, In other words, choosing people for what they can provide for you, not for what they actually deserve. You pick and choose according to what, how is this going to benefit me more than anyone else? He says, Have you not shown partiality among yourselves and become judges with evil thoughts?

This is very common in Judaism of James' day. They had the synagogues, they had special seats for the Pharisees. There was a lot of posturing going on. People were looked at by how they would benefit the synagogue and the people that were important would have special places. And then the person that was poor, why, they didn't take him into consideration at all. Verse 5, he says, Listen, my beloved brethren, has God not chosen the poor of this world to be rich in faith and heirs of the kingdom which he promised to those who love him?

So the brethren were generally poor in those days in the first century, and they are poor in our age as well. So God is not choosing the rich, the powerful, the brilliant. He's choosing pretty ordinary people. The people that he chooses, as they say, is nothing to write home about. Nothing very important. Paul said that in 1 Corinthians 1, when he sits on. Now look at ourselves. Look, we're not anything special. The world would look at us. These are just a little hair on the tail of a dog in comparison. Why should we pay attention to them?

And so this world pays attention according to what they can get as a benefit. Going on, it says here, verse 6, But you have dishonored the poor man. Do not the rich oppress you and drag you into the courts? Do they not blaspheme that noble name by which you are called? If you really fulfill the royal law according to the scriptures, you shall love your neighbor as yourself, you do well. So you don't make exceptions. You treat people the same way. They come in here with a big Mercedes Benz or Rolls Royce or whatever.

They come in with flashy clothing. Well, we say it's the same rules for everybody here. Nobody gets special seating. Everybody sits together, and we all eat together, and we treat each other in the same way. He says, verse 9, But if you show partiality, you commit sin and are convicted by the law as transgressors.

So here he's showing that actually it has to do with the first commandment, which is you shall put God first, and you're not going to show partiality because God doesn't. So we shouldn't either. For whoever shall keep the whole law and yet stumble in one point, he's guilty of all. What he's saying here is you're going to bear the penalty. Just the same as if you violated another part of the law. He says here, For he who said, Do not commit adultery, also said, Do not murder.

Now, if you do not commit adultery, but you do murder, you have become a transgressor of the law. It's the same principle in the traffic laws. So if you run a red light, but you weren't speeding, and you had your seatbelt on, you did everything right, except you ran a red light, the patrolman isn't going to come and say, Oh, well, you did everything good here. So that eliminates the need for you to get a ticket. No, you get the ticket. And what if you don't run a red light, but you actually don't have any of your lights that work at night? Well, even if you respect the red light, you're going to get a ticket because you don't have the lights in the car.

So you see, the principle is you're all going to be guilty. And so a respect of persons is one way to be guilty. Verse 12, so speak and so do that you will be judged by the law of liberty, not by the law of oppression or slavery. God's law is a law of liberty. It is perfect. It is good. It is wholesome. It doesn't have partiality.

For judgment is without mercy to the one who has shown no mercy. Mercy triumphs over judgment. We should be merciful to those who are poor, who are more needy, and respect them, and treat them well.

So in the final analysis, we develop friendships. We do it for him. We do it for God. We don't necessarily do it for the people. We do it for God. And we build friendships that sometimes we would naturally do, but we go ahead and do it anyways. The second principle is choose friends wisely. There are all kinds of scriptures about this. Not everybody should be a friend. In Proverbs 12, verse 26, Proverbs 12, verse 26, it tells us exactly the same principle. It says, the righteous should choose his friends carefully.

For the way of the wicked leads them astray. Be careful. Don't make friendships with the wicked, because they can lead to astray. The righteous, they choose carefully. Is this person going to help me in my Christian walk? Or is it going to be a stumbling block? Is he going to be a person that's going to undermine me? So you should choose your friends carefully. And of course, the classic scripture here is 1 Corinthians 15, 33. 1 Corinthians 15, verse 33. This is one of the verses that is corrected in the New King James version, because it's not right in the regular King James version. 1 Corinthians 15, verse 33. It says, do not be deceived. Evil company corrupts good habits.

So if you're dealing with bad friends, they will ruin good habits.

Maybe they drink too much. Maybe they take drugs. Maybe they cuss a lot. Maybe they're always talking about sexually explicit stuff. Who knows? But you have to be able to choose your friends. There are some that are good to just have a social basis and see them, but it's not one that you'd like to go and just keep company with. I know some of the senior centers that some visit, they have fine people, but there are other types that you wouldn't want to be too close to, just like everything else in life. In Psalms 119, verse 63, David said, he was a friend to those who kept God's laws.

Psalms 119, 63. This doesn't mean that you should limit your friendships to just those in the church or those who follow, but here it does say that these close friendships, we should have commonality of belief. We should have the same types of beliefs. Psalms 119, I'll read it to you, verse 63. He says, I am a companion of all who fear you and of those who keep your precepts. Precepts are laws.

And then we have another proverb about choosing friends wisely. Proverbs 13, verse 20. That's why the Bible is the best psychology book you will ever find. You read this, you understand better how to do things with people, how to build relationships. We're talking about how to develop friendships and to cultivate and keep them. The Bible is the best instruction manual. Proverbs 13, verse 20. It says, he who walks with wise men will be wise, but the companion of fools will be destroyed. So tell me who you hang around with and I'll tell you who you are. Be with the wise and you become wise. Be with the fools and you become a fool. One last scripture. Proverbs 22, verse 24. Proverbs 22, verse 24. Each one of these proverbs is a jewel.

It says, make no friendship with an angry man and with a furious man do not go, lest you learn his ways and set a snare for your soul. So here again, choose friends wisely. Be careful. See people that are ill-tempered, that get angry easily, that will immediately just cause a scene. Well, it says here, be careful with a person's character flaws before you decide to be a close friend of the person. The third point is learn to love and serve your friends, not yourself. Learn to love and serve your friends and not yourself. Notice in Romans chapter 12, Romans chapter 12, verse 10, it says, be kindly affectionate to one another with brotherly love. The term Philadelphia is the term in Greek. In honor, giving preference to one another. So that's the brotherly affection that we show. Learn to love and serve a friend more than yourself. In 1 Timothy chapter 5, verse 10, I have to go a little bit gingerly here because of the time factor. I'd like to give you examples, illustrations about this, but certainly a person that's thinking about the other, it's going to be a good friend. How are you doing? How's your week? And they really are concerned, and they're willing to do something to help you when you get into trouble.

Notice 1 Timothy 5, verse 9, it says, do not let a widow under 60 years old be taking into the number about the list that would be getting church assistance. And not unless she has been the wife of one man, well-reported for good works, if she has brought up children, if she has laud strangers, if she has washed the saint's feet. And this isn't talking about what they used to do, which was just everybody that came to the house. You usually have a servant that would do that for you. But here's talking about that spirit of service. The same thing we do at Passover, when a person's baptized, that we are willing to wash another's feet. You don't pick who you're going to wash. Usually we just get there and we just pair up at that moment. That's the way it should be. Because it means that we're willing to serve each other and to wash each other's feet, to have that humility of serving others and not ourselves. We don't say, well, you wash my feet, but I'm not going to wash your feet. Don't ask me to do anything for you. Don't ever think, no, I need my thing. I need you to do this. But don't ask me to do anything for you. See, that's not the way to build friendships. Friendships, you mutually help each other. You mutually think about the other person as well.

Friendships based on egoism do not last.

And then the fourth principle, don't let a friend get under your skin for long. Sure, they're going to have something that might irritate you, that might bother you, that might hurt you, but don't let them get under your skin for long because prolonged anger destroys the best friendships. In Ephesians chapter 4 verse 26, Ephesians chapter 4 verse 26, we mentioned this previously, but now I'd like to focus on it. Ephesians chapter 4 verse 26, it says, Do not let the sun go down on your wrath, nor give place to the devil.

Because if you're building this resentment, well, this person did this for me, and then you stew over it, and try to go to God and don't let the sun go down. No, give the person a benefit of a doubt. Maybe they don't deserve too much, but still, you do it for God. You're not going to let some resentment simmer and just build up and cause all kinds of problems. Notice in Proverbs 17 verse 17, one of the most beautiful Proverbs, Proverbs 17 verse 17, it says, A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.

The Believer's Bible commentary mentions about this, A true friend loves in adversity as well as in prosperity. Often it takes hard times to show which friends are genuinely loyal. Even if mad at the person, it won't last long.

There are long-term relationships. That person knows you're not perfect. He's just like, he's not perfect, but he loves you anyways.

So the principle is that we're all imperfect. All friendships have defects because we're all full of defects. But a friend is willing to forgive and forget. He pushes the reset button. I appreciate that person. I'm not going to let something happen in the past that's going to affect that. I'm going to push the reset button. You know how it is with a computer. You push it, and the computer has to reset itself and start anew. We have to be willing to do that as well. In Jeremiah chapter 12, there's an important principle here because Jeremiah was a bit discouraged. He was being persecuted. Things were not going well. He was asking God to just let him go and get somebody else. And then God told him the following. Jeremiah 12 verse 5, just like God, being a friend to us will say the same thing.

It says, if you have run with a footman and they have weared you, then how can you contend with horses? And if in the land of peace in which you trusted they weared you, then how will you do in the floodplain of Jordan when it overruns, when you have a flood? So he says, things are not that bad. And if you can't take it when things are going easy and you're not going through just a terrible persecution. So again, friendships are going to be tested by different types of trials.

So don't let people get under your skin for long.

And that takes us to the fifth principle. Cherish your friendships. It is so easy to lose them. Cherish your friendships. It's so easy to lose them.

In Proverbs 27 verse 10, it says, do not forsake your own friend or your father's friend, nor go to your brother's house in the day of your calamity. Better is a neighbor nearby than a brother far away.

There are family members and parents that they don't really care. They're not going to do much for you. And yet you can have a friend, which is a close neighbor, that you can trust and you can rely. So again, the Bible says that many times you can develop good friendships. It doesn't necessarily have to be in the family. A modern version of this verse says, don't desert an old friend of your family or visit your relatives when you are in trouble. A friend nearby is better than relatives far away. Cultivate friendships among neighbors. And remember, talking about cherishing them, think about Christ's patience with His twelve apostles. They all had defects. They all had all kinds of complexes. And some weren't the nicest and cultured. They probably burped a lot. They didn't have a cultured lifestyle. They weren't fine and educated in the seminars in Jerusalem.

I'm just saying that in a kidding way, but these are rough and tough type of guys that Christ had whittled down and polished and developed. He had enormous amount of patience. Two of them were called sons of thunder because they were pretty ill-tempered. Christ nurtured them, worked with them. But not all of His many disciples stuck around. Some of them just left Him. He says that Christ then told the twelve, are you going to leave me too? So He couldn't build lasting friendships.

Some just didn't believe in Him. They didn't want to follow Him. And of course, Judas was one of the intimate friends he had, and he was betrayed. That goes along with the territory. Friendship means you're going to open your heart, and some are going to abuse it. But that doesn't mean you don't continue doing it. That goes with the territory. This takes us to the sixth principle. Be willing to apologize. It's so important to go to your brother. Sometimes the brother isn't willing to talk. Well, you've done your part. At least you were willing to do it. In Proverbs chapter 6, verse 1, it tells us what to do with an offended brother. Proverbs chapter 6, and verse 1, it says, My son, if you become surety for your friend, if you have shaken hands in a pledge for a stranger, you are snared by the words of your mouth, you are taken by the words of your mouth. So do this, my son, and deliver yourself. For you have come into the hand of your friend. Go and humble yourself. Plead with your friend. Give no sleep to your eyes, nor slumber to your eyelids. Deliver yourself like a gazelle, one of the fastest creatures out there, from the hand of the hunter and like a bird from the hand of the fowler. So it says, be willing. Oops, my relationship isn't fine. Give the person a call. Talk to them. Try to reconcile with them. Do your part. But as it says in Romans chapter 12, you can lead the horse to water. That doesn't mean you can make him drink, right?

It says here in verse 18 of Romans 12. Romans 12 verse 18, If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men.

Now don't be the troublemaker. Don't be the one causing this. And so do your best.

And so we get to the last principle. Don't give up on making friends. Not all will turn out as you wish, but it is well worth the effort.

You'll learn from experience and you persevere. Don't become pessimistic. Don't ever say, never again am I going to have a friend because look what happened. And look at the future kingdom of God. You're not going to have human nature to deal with then.

It's going to be much easier and better, but we have to keep imitating Christ today.

He never gave up, even those that were crucifying. He was concerned enough to say, Father, forgive them, for they know not what they're doing.

Friendships are some of the most valuable relationships we can develop, and it is what God wants. That's why in the bottom line, in the ultimate sense, we do it for God. I'd like to end with a story, and I've mentioned it before. It was part of the Bible study we did in Revelation chapter 3, but when you get to the Philadelphia part of the church, you go through these different churches, and then right toward the end, before you get to where Christ says He's at the door, He says there's going to be this period, which we call it the Philadelphia era of the church. God opens tremendous doors to get the gospel out, and He mentions Philadelphia, the church of brotherly love. And that term, Philadelphia, comes from a historical figure in the area of Turkey. Actually, it was a part of Pergamon, and the king of Pergamon, Iomenes, had a younger brother. His name was Atalus II, and during his whole lifetime, it was Atalus II who sacrificed himself for the king. He was the ambassador. He went to Rome. The Romans tried to bribe him, to overthrow his brother, and put him on the throne. He never accepted. He never paid attention. He was faithful to his brother. And then the king, Iomenes, in a trip, was attacked and believed to be killed. And he wasn't heard of for several days, and people believed he was dead. So they said, well, we need a new king. So Atalus, you become the king, and he reluctantly accepted it because he thought his father, his brother, was dead. But what happened? Later, I guess, the king escaped from his kidnappers, and he was able to return. Well, by that time, King Atalus had married the widow, his brother's wife. And when Iomenes came back, his brother said, here is the crown. Here is your wife. I will step down. He never fought. He never went for power or envy. And so, as a tribute, the king named this city Philadelphia. In tribute to his brother, the brother that showed brotherly love and loyalty.

And I've always loved that story because I want to be that loyal person that is a Philadelphian who's going to stick with things. He's going to be loyal to the end and is able to develop because that term not only is just friendship, it's loyalty. A friend has to learn to be loyal. And so, let's read the final Scripture, Hebrews 13. Verse 1. A very brief but, boy, a very powerful command.

Paul simply says to the brethren, let brotherly love continue. Don't let it go out.

Develop it, cultivate it, preserve it, and make it last. Those are seven ways to develop and cultivate godly friendships in the church.