Foundational Basis of Marriage, Part 1

During the years that my wife and I have been married, we've lived in just about every kind of abode imaginable. We've had somewhere between 35 and 40 addresses in our two years of marriage. We've lived upstairs. We've lived downstairs. We've lived in one-room efficiency apartments. First apartment we lived in upstairs was a little one-room efficiency in Jackson, Mississippi. I think it was about the first or second morning after we got married, went to the breakfast table and had left a loaf of bread open. And there was a big file-tail rat in the middle of that loaf of bread. We got in trouble with the landlord. As newly married, you know you like to have water fights.

At least we do. And so our water dripped down through the floor down to the landlady it was. We lived in garage apartments and duplexes. And as I said, we lived upstairs, downstairs. We've rented. We have bought. We've built. We've sold. We've lived on college campuses. We've lived off campus. We've lived in the country. We've lived in the town. We've been up and we've been down. So is marriage just a shell consisting of a number of material items?

A shell consisting of a number of material items? A number of tangible externals that we can see, that we can feel, that we can touch, that we can smell? Is it just the house, the car, the clothes, the food, the furniture, the job, the money in the bank, education, or children?

These are parts, but they don't constitute the substance or core of marriage. So is your marriage just a shell? Shells can be such deceitful things. I have a shell here. We call it an egg. I don't know if Mrs. Ferguson's hen realized how valuable this would be when she laid this egg, but shells can be very deceptive. As we see here, shells can easily be crushed, and they break apart, and you just have Humpty Dumpty all over again.

All the king's horses and all the king's men. So Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall. Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. All the king's horses and all the king's men. They couldn't put Humpty Dumpty back together again. Now, marriages can be put back together again, but it would be better if they didn't have to be put back together again. So once again, I ask, is your marriage just a shell? Current statistics reveal that over 50% of U.S.

marriages will end in divorce. To a large degree, marriage is like a besieged fortress. Those who are in want out, and those who are out want in. And people are double-minded to a large degree when it comes to which way do they want it?

Do they want to be married, or do they not want to be married? Some say, well, I'd like to be married, but not just to him or her. I had one lady in a marriage counseling look me right in the eye, and I asked, did you want to be in the kingdom of God? She said, if it means living with this man, the answer is no.

You know, this mentality of a double-mindedness and taking marriage very capriciously today is reflected in the music of the day. Modern songs are filled with divorce, adultery, fornication. Rock music concentrates on fornication. Country music and Western music concentrates on adultery. And you've got rap and all other kinds, and rap gets into very derogatory comments about especially females and all kinds of aberrant sexual behavior.

You could ask the question, does the music reflect, or does it help to shape the state of society? I'd say it's both. Music helps to shape and also to reflect where we are. So just turn on the radio. Turn on the radio. Listen to the various genre of music, and you'll see the state of our nation and the state of our society reflected in that music. Far too many marriages are built on the sand and not on the rock.

They're just empty shelves just like that eggshell. I can just take in my puny hand and crush. It'd be very difficult to put it back together. If you would look to Matthew 7. To some degree, we could equate marriage with the process of salvation. In Matthew 7, we're told that we're to enter in at the straight gate. Matthew 7.

We're told there to enter in at the straight gate. Also, that's verse 13, enter you in at the straight gate, for wide is the gate, and broad is the way that leads to destruction. And many there be which go in there at. There are all kinds of ideas about marriage. There's the 50-50 marriage. There's the equality in marriage. There's all kinds of ideas. But the Bible presents to us, through the inspiration of God the Creator, the one who ordained marriage, the instructions, the instruction book of how to have a happy and successful marriage.

Now, if you listen to the pundits out there, they would say, Oh, well, you know, the chances of your marriage succeeding is very slim. I'd say the chance of your marriage succeeding is very good if you follow what the Bible says about marriage. And if you build upon the rock, just as in salvation, there's one way to salvation. There is one way that is prescribed. And I know there are many variables, but the Bible gives basic instructions about marriage. Now, let's go down to verse 24.

Therefore, whosoever hears these sayings of mine and does them, I will liken him unto a wise man which built his house upon a rock. Now, marriage and family has to do with building a home. And so we live in a house, but a home is more than just a house. The way I think of it, the home is where the interactions take place between husband and wife, between husband, wife, father, mother, children. And the whole package comes together. And how are we going to build our house? A wise man builds his house upon a rock, and the rain descended, the floods came, the winds blew, and beat upon the house, it fell not, for it was founded upon a rock.

And everyone hears these sayings of mine, and does them not, shall be likened unto a foolish man which built his house upon the sand. The rain descended, the floods came, the winds blew, and beat upon that house, and it fell, and great was the fall of it. Believe me, when a home falls, and when it ends in divorce, great is the fall of it.

Because I have daughters and a granddaughter that have been through divorce. I know it firsthand, as you would say. It's firsthand as you get, except for it happening to me personally. And practically every person sitting in this room has been affected by divorce at one time or another in some way, somehow. The rain descended, the floods came, the winds blew, and beat upon that house, and it fell, and great was the fall.

And it came to pass when Jesus ended these sayings. The people were astonished at his doctrine, for he taught them as one having authority and not as ascribes. Now let's go to Psalm 127, Psalm 127 and verse 1. Build the house upon the rock. Don't let the house be a shell. We might liken the rock to this baseball. This baseball has a cover, horse hide, very tough leather that is stitched.

And inside this cover there are twine that has been wrapped and wrapped and wrapped around a cork center. When I was a kid, we would knock the cover off of it. We would tape it up. Then we'd knock the tape off, and then we would keep hitting it as the twine came off. Now we have the cork. That old cork was just about indestructible. You just couldn't do anything to it. You know, you can take this saying, you can beat on it, you can hit it, you can hit it, you can keep on hitting it, and it's tearing up the microphone.

And it'll still be there. It'll still be there. It's not like this eggshell that you just take with your hand and you just... nothing there. And even after you knock the cover off, we used to get these things waterlogged. Play after a morning dew or rain, and then we put them in the oven and bake them. We never did get them back just right. But these things can take a lot of punishment. In Psalm 27 and verse 1, Except the Lord build the house, they labor in vain, that build it.

Except the Lord keep the city, the watchman wakes but in vain. So we want, of course, God to be the one. He is like the analogy of the master carpenter. He is the one who has laid out the blueprint.

It's a no-fail blueprint. If you follow that blueprint, you're going to have a very, very solid house built upon the rock. It's true that marriage is one of the most difficult, yet perhaps the most rewarding relationship known to man. Only our relationship with God and Christ, which to a large degree parallels the relationship of husband and wife, wife and husband, parents and children.

So we ask again, what is your marriage built on? Is it built on the rock or is it built on sand? Is it just a shell or is it a solid rock with a sound core? We hear a great deal today about runaways of young people, teenagers, running away. Many of them wind up in the sex trade and sex slave places like Los Angeles, Las Vegas, Reno, Tahoe, Chicago, and other major cities around the world, Miami. Some wind up being kidnapped.

Of course, this sex trade is one of the great problems in Europe and Asia today, especially in Eastern Europe, after the Iron Curtain came down. But statistics are telling us that the number two category of runaways are middle-aged women. So as I said earlier, and what are they running away from? They're running away from marriage and family. Now, I know that a lot of guys run away from marriage as well, but oftentimes we don't think about women running away. A few years ago, this was probably in the 80s.

Well, it was in the 80s. Dolly Parton recorded a song in which he described this sad phenomenon after children had left home and mama leaving. It was titled, Starting Over Again. Where would they begin? Since they've never been out on their own, they had become one. Now they're twain, and all the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put mommy and daddy back together again. So how can we build substance and marriage so that our marriages will be able to stand after the externals have been removed?

If the house goes to close the furniture of the cars, and eventually, if you have children, hopefully they'll move out. Of course, one of the great phenomenon today is grandparents are raising grandchildren. And oftentimes, the children are coming back home as well. You know, in marriage, we say, in sickness and in health, until death do us part. The only time I ever heard my daddy cry, my mother came home one day after having surgery. She had a goiter here on her thyroid, and a few days later, the pathology report came back, and she had cancer.

That night at the supper table, it was awfully quiet. Hardly anyone uttered a word, and you could tell that my mother's spirits had dropped to the floor, as it were. The next morning, I was still in bed, but I could hear. Daddy always gave her a kiss before he left for work, and he said, We've gone through hard times before, and we can do it again. And he broke down and cried. It's the only time I ever heard my daddy cry. You know, of all the people on the face of the earth that should be developing substance in marriage, it is the people of God.

Marriage is the second greatest institution on the earth. The church is the first. God is the author of both. God ordained marriage and family, and God is building His church, as we know in Matthew 16, 18. The entire plan of salvation is based on the structure of the family. God the Father, Jesus Christ the Son, the Church, the Mother, and begotten children, who are now betrolled to Christ. Yes, a wedding ceremony is coming, as we read about the marriage supper of the Lamb in Revelation 19, verses 7 through 9. So it is fitting that we should consider the keys that God gave for successful marriage. So today, I'm going to give some keys. I don't know how far we'll get.

Developing substance and marriage, but the foundation, what I've already talked about, perhaps you should have taken more notes there than at any other time. But generally, our people don't take notes until we say, turn to such and such a scripture. As I said earlier, I'm not here to make anyone feel guilty or to condemn anyone. We are where we are. You are where you are. What is is, and what isn't isn't. And we've got to deal with what is.

We're standing before the judgment seat of Christ, and not the judgment seat of man. Oh yes, man is going to judge you, but man does not have the power of life and death over you. God does. And judgment is coming, and judgment is now on the house of God. You know, there are times that may be a cause or situation for separation and or divorce.

So I'm not here to go into that. The purpose of these sermons is to help all of us grow in our understanding of how to live as Christ gave commandment. As I said earlier, these sermons are for all young, old, married, single, divorced, first, second married, third married, wherever you are.

He who hasn't here to hear, let him hear. So marriage and family problems are among the principal problems in the church today. And what I'm going to give today cannot be given by the marriage counselors of this world. They are steeped in liberal humanistic philosophy, which is destroying the family in the first place. It is ironic that we would turn to the very people who are destroying their families and our children when we get in trouble, as if they can solve our problems. There have been three main schools of psychology and counseling.

The foundational basis for counseling is based on psychology. If you go get a degree in psychology, then that is the foundational core, a stepping stone, to a degree in counseling. You can get into counseling without a psychology degree, but it'd be very difficult to get into counseling without a degree in psychology. Psychology is called a social science, but it is very subjective in many areas. So-called pure psychology views human beings from an evolutionary point of view and leaves God out of the picture. Virtually every school of psychology views human beings from their origin, from an evolutionary point of view.

The first great movement to sweep the Western world, as far as psychology, psychoanalysis, are concerned. It started around the merging of the 18th and 19th century, the early 1900s, with Sigmund Freud and psychoanalysis. Freud taught that the experiences of one's past, especially as one progresses through the various phases and stages of development in the early years of life, to a large degree determines how he will turn out as an adult. And so, through psychoanalysis, they can go back and identify, sometimes using hypnosis, identify various situations, circumstances that you might have encountered, whether perhaps your mother was abusing you, your father was abusing you, or whatever the situation might be to get a key to unlock you so you can move past that and grow.

Now, all of these schools of psychology are still with us today. They're just in different forms, but they have been predominating schools. And psychoanalysis and psychiatrists is still to a large degree based on the work of Freud. The second greatest movement was, and it continues today, is what's called behaviorism. Behaviorism teaches control the environment and you'll control the behavior.

That is, you control a system of reward and punishment. And B.F. Skinner of Harvard was the great pioneer in this in the 20th century. It is through what is called operant conditioning that circus animals are taught to do what they do, seals and other animals that perform in the circus, where if you want pigeons to play ping pong, when the pigeon turns his head toward the ball, you give them a reward.

Or they do this or they do that, you give a reward. The early work in this, that is, behavioral psychology, was done by a German. We are all familiar with Pavlov's dog. There was work even before Pavlov. But what you do in behavioral psychology is you pair a natural stimulus with an unnatural stimulus to elicit the same response. For example, you've heard of Pavlov's dog.

Dog normally, when presented with food, salivates. So what Pavlov did, he paired presenting the dog with food with ringing a bell. Give the dog food, ring the bell. Give the dog food, ring the bell. Eventually, he withdrew the food and just rang the bell, and the dog had the same response as if being given the food. So now the dog has been conditioned. Now, this is used extensively in advertising today. Virtually every advertisement pairs youth, beauty, adventure, sex with some product. And so the link is supposed to be made that if you drive a Toyota pickup with a t-shirt on, you know, you'll be rippling muscles and all the girls will run after the pickup.

Like a dog chasing a car or something. And you can think of many examples. For example, I had cattle. Condition the cattle, and I didn't try to condition the cattle, it just happened. That when I would go into the pasture to feed the cattle, I would drive a pickup. And you would throw feed off the pickup. Or, in another case, I drove the tractor.

After a few times, you just drive the tractor in and the cattle gather around as if they're being fed. With goldfish, goldfish in an aquarium, you feed them and they go all crazy all over. And maybe you turn on the light when you feed them. And you can come to the point where you just turn on the light and the goldfish, they respond, as if they're being fed. So in behaviorism, they say the cause of aberrant behavior is rewards and punishments have not been administered fairly.

And the reason for crime down in the ghettos is because of poverty. And because they have been denied, and doubtlessly some of that is true. So if you allow me to create the perfect environment with the right kind of punishment and reward, I will give you the ideal person. Of course, we know the fallacy of that with the Garden of Eden. Perfect environment, perfect instructor, but here's the devil and here's human nature. Very variable. Third great movement which predominates today, though all that others still out there, is perceptual, existential, humanistic psychology.

That's sort of a mouthful, isn't it? Perception, how you perceive the world. Existential has to do with existence and human beings. That human beings are to be the master of their defeat, decide for yourselves your values or your own. So we go into transactional analysis. Maybe your parent is overpowering your adult, your adult overpowering your child and your...

I'm talking about within you, they say that you have within you the parent, the adult, the child. All this has to be balanced. Perhaps you've read the book or heard of the book, I'm okay, you're okay. Non-directional counseling and many other offshoots. I remember the only... first when this grade came out, it was only in my doctoral program, it was the only time I got anything less than an A.

Well, when the grade first came out, I got a C in counseling. And I wrote the instructor and it was to a large degree, he was what's called a non-directional counselor. So we were in class discussing and this was in the early 70s, very early 70s, and you had the bearded wonders and you... the hippie movement was still on and some were in their sandals and dressed in all kind of different ways.

Of course, that still continues today, but it was to some degree worse depending on where you were at that time. But anyhow, we had a discussion about drugs and this one guy spoke up and said, you cannot make an absolute statement about drugs, how harmful they are. Take me, for example, if I don't get X drug, I'll die. I said, Howie, do you know?

You ever tried it? See, he makes an absolute statement. But that absolute only referred to other people. Nobody there much liked it when I said that. Of course, we in the church intended to be maybe over-directional, but there are many offshoots of these three fields of psychology. There are quite a number of members of the Church of God who are far too quick to turn to this world's marriage counselors in an attempt to solve their problems.

If you want to be analyzed, you can start with Hebrews 4.12. Hebrews 4.12 will tell you how you can be analyzed. Hebrews 4.12, the Word of God is quick and powerful, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing even to the dividing asunder of soul and spirit, and of the joints and marrow, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart. I don't have to have Freud. Now, I'm not here to say that all counseling in this world is evil.

I'm not saying that. Don't go out saying that I said that. There are times in which maybe some counseling, by, quote, professional counselors, depending on situation, circumstance, maybe can help. There are certain books and articles that might offer some sound principles for building substance and marriage, but they do not understand the foundational spiritual principles. Neither do they teach them in a complete sense of how to build substance and marriage. And once again, there will be some principles one can glean from such sources.

But none of them really understand why God instituted marriage and family. You know, I have here, I'll put into a search engine, keys for successful marriage. And then I looked at several, but this is sort of a summary of all of them. And it's not bad, but as far as the foundational basic structure with regard to from the Bible, it's not there. Number one, tell your spouse you love them. Two, show your spouse affection. That seems to go together, doesn't it? Three, show appreciation for your spouse. Four, share yourself. Five, be there for your spouse. Give your spouse gifts. Respond gracefully to your spouse's demands and shortcomings.

Make a priority of time alone together. Take nothing for granted. Strive for equality in your relationship. That's somewhat a summary of... You can look at various sources if you want to key in on a search engine, keys for a successful marriage.

But it doesn't get to the heart and core from a biblical perspective. Most researchers say that the three principal problems in marriage are communication, finances, and sex. And these three are very important. However, they are more symptomatic than causal. More symptomatic than causal. You could have great communication with your mate, be fabulously rich, have a wonderful sex life, still have a marriage that is built upon sand that will not stand the test of time. What about when the wife or the husband does come home and say, I've got cancer, or I've got this or that, or I've lost my job, or any number of variables that come in marriage? Now, what do I mean by substance? Let's compare substance with doing certain things. Here are things you can do. You can tell your wife several times a day that you love her, which we should. Take her out once a week. Some can afford it, some can't. Send her flowers regularly. Help her with chores. Pick up your things. Help with the children. The wife can cook excellent meals on a regular basis. Keep the house clean. Take care of the children. Be an excellent sex partner. And yet, there may not be real substance in the marriage. Granted, these things help develop substance. They serve as a means to an end, but they do not constitute the substance in and of themselves. Substance is what you are and what you're becoming. Substance is the progress that a man and wife are making, a husband and wife, toward becoming one in every aspect of their being, as they grow together toward the fullness, the measure of the stature of Christ. The shell or the external is what you're doing or what you possess. Material things can come and go, and they will. Jobs, houses, cars, clothes, money, and eventually the children, as I said, will leave home.

We could use the words converted, character, or love for substance. In 1 Corinthians 13, Paul uses the word charity. Let's look at that. 1 Corinthians 13. The very substance, the very heart, the very core.

Now, as we have demonstrated already, that the eggshell is nothing. I mean, it can't even stand the pressure of someone squeezing their hand on it. We have demonstrated that this can take a lot of punishment. We get down to the very... You can take away the cover. You can take away the twine. But you still got the core. The very heart and core. The very heart and core of what you are, your character, your being, as a person, as a child of God.

1 Corinthians 13.1. Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, have not charity, love, agape.

You're not becoming as God is. I am becoming as a sounding brass or a tinkling cymbal, though I have the gift of prophecy, understand all mysteries. And all knowledge, and though I have all faith, so that I can remove mountains. Have not charity, I am nothing. And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, and have not charity, it profits me nothing. Then a description of charity is given.

Two converted people who are obeying God would probably not get a divorce.

Note the qualifier. converted people who are obeying God would probably never get a divorce.

God's laws and His blueprint, as we've already pointed out for marriage, don't lead to divorce. Look at Malachi 2.

Malachi 2, verse 15.

And did not He make one? This is talking about...well, we ought to read 14. A lot of people don't understand these verses here. I shall explain. Yet you say, wherefore, because the Lord hath been witnessed between you and the wife of your youth, against whom you have dealt treacherously.

Contrary to what a lot of people believe, the Pharisees were very liberal in a lot of areas to get around the law of God and taught their tradition as commandment. In fact, as we'll note, at one point in Matthew 19, the Pharisees were basically teaching that a man can get a divorce for almost any reason. She spilled the beans, so I mean literally spilled the beans on the table, so I'm going to divorce her. Christ, under inspiration here, Malachi says, you've dealt treacherously, yet is she your companion and the wife of your covenant? And did not He make one? That is, didn't He make one wife for Adam? Yet had He the residue of the Spirit? I mean, didn't God have the power to create for Adam 100 wives? Yeah, even a thousand. Oh, yeah. But He created one wife, one Eve. And wherefore one? Why one? That He might seek a godly seed, therefore take heed to your Spirit, and let none deal treacherously against the wife of His youth. For the Lord, the God of Israel, says that He hates putting away. For one covers violence with His garment, saith the Lord of hosts, therefore take heed to your Spirit, that you deal not treacherously. So God gave the blueprint for success, and your marriage will work if you internalize the keys that God gives. These keys are as sure as God's Word. These keys have to do with how you view God and man in your heart, your mind, your soul, or your inner being. These keys center on faith and obedience to God. These foundational keys of marriage. We will take up the foundational keys for marriage in the sermon next week, or the next sermon that I give. There's a possibility I won't be here next week, but I probably will be. But anyhow, the next time, we will take up with these keys.

I'll just give you the first one. The first key is to recognize that God is the author of male and female. How simple is that? But it has grave and great implications. So, as they say, stay tuned. We are going to present a lot of material. I hope that will help all of us grow and consider a lot of things that we really need to in our lives. Because without successful marriages and families, the Church of God will disappear from off the face of the earth. And if the Church of God disappears from off the face of the earth, then the light of the world is gone. You are the light of the world. And as a light of the world, you don't hide it under a bushel, but you let men see it. And you serve as an example, and you let your light so shine. So, brethren, I hope you'll be here and tuned in for the next time.