Key Elements of Marriage

Good afternoon to all of you. Nice to see you here today. I was doing some finger-counting, and I think we are at the fifth of our series of six sermons on the general subject of marriage. You know, in a world where Satan is bent on destroying God's ultimate creation, which is the family, and doing a relatively good job at it, the subject of success in marriage can be a heavy subject. I think all of us, in one way or another, whether personally or by extension in our families or our greater families, have suffered some of the pains that are a part of simply the world's problems as they relate to marriage.

And so I'd like to go into this subject today in a somewhat lighter fashion. I'd like to give observations on how to succeed and hopefully explain some areas of common concern shared by both men and women. Most of the key scriptures, now that we're four sermons into the subject, have been covered once or twice. Mr. Reeves and I were teasing one another at the very beginning about it.

Now, don't use these scriptures, but I've noticed that I've heard them more than one time now, and I touched on the edge of it. So most of our key scriptures, our foundational scriptures, have been covered a couple of times. And as a result, this particular sermon will be stronger on principle and lighter on chapter and verse quotation. So let's go through some observations, and we can title the sermon, Key Elements of Marriage.

Observation number one, beware lest you be found in contempt of courtship. For the fellows, I could ask the question, when did you stop courting your wife? I realize that's almost like the question of when did you stop beating your wife, meaning it's a no-win question. But it's a good question. It's a legitimate question. I imagine there are some who have never stopped, and a congratulations is due them, because in continuing it throughout a lifetime of marriage, you make a major contribution to happiness in your home.

In some cases, it may be that that happened so long ago, I can't really remember exactly when courtship ended. And you know, it's very easy to be in the position of saying, well, I'm not exactly sure. Maybe you think you still do, but from your wife's assessment, you don't.

And maybe, surprise of surprises, you may not be that sure, and your wife says, I'm quite happy with my husband's conduct in this particular way. When those of us who attended Ambassador College were in college, dating was strongly encouraged. Regular dating throughout all four years of college life. And every so often, in an assembly or a forum, when dating sagged, one of the faculty members would get up and address the situation.

And the most common complaint, in four years' time, you'd probably hear the complaint two or three times addressed in assembly or a forum. You'd hear the fellows say, you know, I'm a college student, I'm trying to work my way through college, and I just simply can't afford it. And the response was, dating doesn't necessarily require the expenditure of money. And then the faculty member would go through the simple fact that it is the time, it is the attention, that is more important than the expenditure of money. And of course, at that particular time, the fellows had no excuse.

But in marriage, time is still king. Money is still secondary. It's always nice to do something special where you can give the time and the money to a special event. But it isn't necessary to sustain and maintain courtship. Courtship has two faces. For some men, courtship is an exercise that lasts only as long as it takes to get the girl of your dreams to say, I do. And that fulfilled the function of courtship. Now we go on to life. The coin has two sides, though. Sometimes the attractiveness that a young lady shows to a young man is shown only long enough to grab the young man of my dreams.

And so there's a responsibility on both sides when it comes to courtship. It isn't totally a one-sided situation. It predominantly leans the direction of a man, but it's co-opted. I'd like you to turn to 1 Corinthians 7. While you're turning there, I'll make a simple statement. Courtship in marriage is a way to say, I still care. Courtship in dating is simple and focused. I have found someone that I'd like to marry. I would like to convince that person to marry me. I would like to spend the time and the attention necessary so that when I say, would you marry me, that the odds are in my favor, that the answer will be, I do.

As I said with a young lady, appearances are paramount, being able to attract the eye and the attention of a young man for the same purpose, to get him to the place where he will look at you and say, will you marry me, so that you can say, I do. So it's, as I said, it's a co-opted situation. But inside of marriage, courtship is a way to say, I still care. I still feel about you the way I did when I was hoping you would marry me and I wasn't sure whether you would or you wouldn't.

So as you look at courtship within marriage, look at it through those particular lenses. In 1 Corinthians 7, there's a scripture that in the context, it is talking about intimacy. But there's a principle within this particular verse that is directed specifically at marital intimacy that applies more broadly. In the New King James, verse 3 of 1 Corinthians 7, it says, let the husband render to his wife the affection do her, and likewise also the wife to her husband. Now the context of 1 Corinthians 7 is sexual intimacy, but affection does not require sexual interaction.

The simple demonstration of affection, one to the other, covers the whole spectrum from a smile, a squeeze of the hand, a hug, and all the other ways of simply saying during the day, I care about you, I love you, you're important to me.

And so if we take the broadened perspective on verse 3, the broadened perspective is never leave your husband or wife in a position where if they were asked the question, is your mate still affectionate? The answer would be no. Render to, and you can fill in the blank, wife or husband, the affection do.

Courtship is more than date night. Courtship is more than time apart from the kids.

Where you find a babysitter, kids are taken care of, or if mom and dad live locally, you can take the kids over to mom and dad's house. Take a deep breath and have time that is solely for the two of you. So when we think about courting, we think about the time element, we think about being alone together. That's the element we normally think of. Add another element that isn't as obvious but necessary, just the same. Courtship also includes appearance. When do a young man and a young woman appear at their very best?

My kids have been gone so many years, my calendar no longer works. So every so often in the course of a year, I'll get a surprise, and my wife and I will smile and nudge each other and enjoy the surprise. But the surprise is finding some time in the late spring where we go out for dinner, and as we're sitting there in the door of the restaurant comes young men and young women dressed to the nines. We look at each other and say, ah, must be prom week. And you look at all the young men and all the young women, and they are dressed as finely as their wardrobe and their budget will allow. It's a beautiful sight to watch. When you watch the youth, you can see written on many of their faces. I have put on the very best that I have, and this is a special event. And as an older person, you can sit back, watch them, and smile and say, it's a lovely thing to watch. But appearance is very much a part of it. Sure, the restaurant is important. Sure, the meal is important. And of course, the way it goes today, they may have driven up by themselves or with two or three other couples in a stretch limo, so the transportation is important. But you know what? All of them have this innate sense that appearance is a fundamental part of the whole package. Courtship after marriage should include the same elements that were there before marriage.

To the degree that it's possible, keep yourself attractive.

Once you find the girl or the guy of your dreams, keep up appearance.

You know, it was interesting when you were a college kid and you had people come in from in the United States from all over the country. When you got to Bricket Wood, then it was from all over the world. And that complicated the matter greatly because the world of hygiene, as you cross the world from Asia to Africa to South America to North America, the norms and the opportunities are not always the same. And so there were times where we went through all the basic fundamentals. Simple hygiene. Smelling good. Grooming. Looking good. Dress. Dressing neatly and cleanly. All of them are a part. You know, we all have our grunge time. We all have our work time. We all have the time where what we have to do dictates what we put on. But the question of whether or not you live that way all the time or whether you pay attention to hygiene, grooming, and dress is an important part of ongoing courtship. Subtle, but nonetheless important.

Observation number two. Are little things little things or are they big things?

The copyright laws are such today by nature I'm a person that brings stuff up and reads it or quotes it and the copyright laws are such today that there are times I feel I've got both my elbows tied to my chest. So if I reference something, I'm phenomenally grateful for Google. And I know that if I mention something, all you have to do is go home and Google it and you've got all the information I would have given you plus the ability to keep it.

When I was a young man, there was a popular song entitled, Little Things Mean a Lot. There was a love song, popular love song of the day. Google it sometime and read the lyrics. The title is Little Things Mean a Lot. Very simple, very basic, but profoundly true. Little things are not always little things. We tend to think by nature that the big things matter and the little things don't. But it really isn't true. When we counsel with couples who have marital problems, it doesn't matter who the minister is, Mr. Sexton, myself, Mr. Duncan, or whether professional counsel like Jack Scruggs, but when you counsel with couples who have marriage problems and they start offloading what the problems are, all too often it turns out that their big problem is often just the accumulation of a whole stack of little problems.

It isn't a matter of coming in and there's one great, horrendous event, and that's why we're here. Now that happens, too. There can be catastrophic marital infidelity. There can be other catastrophic events. But most of the people we counsel, if they come and sit down and say, okay, what are we dealing with? What are we talking about? And they start offloading. Little problem after little problem after little problem after little problem stacks up until they're sitting there with a huge problem. There is a simple formula in life that you ignore only to your own hurt, and that is little things left unresolved turn into big things. Let me say that again. Little things left unresolved turn into big things. I have some advice for you about little things, and I'm going to cover it from different angles. If you are the doer of a little thing that rankles or annoys your mate, we'll look at it from that side. If you're on the receiving end and you have a building annoyance at your husband or wife because of little things that they have done, we'll cover it from that side also. So we'll look at it from both sides because, you know, little things when you start peeling the layers, as it were, off the onion and get down to the core of little things, there's a level of complexity. There is a level of complexity. I was talking to a couple of young men during this week, filling out some financial information forms for them. And we were doing some casual talk as it was being processed, but you know, you have questions about your station in life, where you are. They want to look at your credit scores. They'll ask whether you own your home or not. And in the course of the conversation, I was sitting with one young man, and I could see that longing sense in his eye that my dad is at this station in life, and I'm clear down here, boy, I'm wondering if I'll ever get to the place where I'll be where my dad is. And as we were talking, the one young man said to me, he said, you know, maybe you could give me some advice. I smiled. I didn't give him any advice, but I did smile at the comment. And I thought to myself, you know, you're in your 30s, you're looking at owning your home and having a car that's paid off, a car that you really want, not just a beater that you have to live with. And I can tell by the look in your eye that this is one of those, wow, I wonder if I'll ever get there. And when the young man said, maybe you could give me some advice, in my mind, I had the advice ready. And if he'd asked a second time, I would have shared it with him. But you know what? The advice would have been very simple. At the earliest stage in your life that you are able, put aside money in savings, every single solitary payday. Don't worry necessarily about how large it is. Make it as large as you can. But don't sit in fret if it isn't as large as you think it ought to be. The whole principle of the compounding of monies put aside looks very different when you're 33 than when you're 73. And when a 33-year-old looks at a 73-year-old and says, how do I get from where I am to where you are? The answer seems way too simplistic. But it is the answer. Basically what you're saying is, it is the accumulation of little things that will eventually bring you to the place where that home and that car that your dad has will be the home and the car that you have. And whether you can see it or not at this time, take my word, this is how you get there.

Doing little things that are pleasing to your mate is like the small bank deposit that I have just been describing. It accumulates. And as it accumulates, it turns into real savings over time. Because little things like interest compound, and the result is lasting and durable.

We talk sometimes when we're counseling with people who have reached the place where there is absolutely no tolerance on the part of their mate for any action that is unacceptable.

And we'll simply look at it in the same way you'd look at a bank account.

You know, your friends...

Let me take it out of the marriage venue. Let me take it into friends and enemies. You know the basic difference between how you measure the conduct of your friends and those who aren't your friends?

Whether you think about it or not, the difference between how you measure your friends and those who aren't your friends is simply a matter of how much goodwill they have in your emotional bank account. You will let your friends get away with things that you will not let those who are not your friends get away with for no other reason than your friends have an emotional bank account and they're drawing on it. In marriage, when that deposit reaches zero, your spouse has no tolerance for the little things that you do wrong.

Zero. You're overdrawn. So consider the relationship and consider little things simply like you would the 10, 15, 20, 50, or 100 dollars you put in a savings account. And you look at it and you say, well, that's, you know, this is not wealth, but accumulated, it becomes that.

Let's talk about if you're on the receiving end of annoyances.

Now we flip the coin over.

When you're on the receiving end of annoyances, you're the one who determines its effect upon you.

As much as we may not like that reality, it is the reality. Over the years, I have had very little patience with stupid driving.

When you spend your life ministerially in a car, I've got well over a million miles, well, well over a million miles on my driver's seat. And over those years, when somebody does something stupid, especially when when their stupidity puts somebody else's life in jeopardy, I've had very, very, very little tolerance.

But over time, over time you reach the place of realizing that the person who did something stupid could care less about what you think about what they did. You're the one going down the road muttering and sputtering and fuming. They don't care. So why carry the baggage?

So when I said, when it comes to little annoyances, consider a simple fact. You determine their effect upon you. I've never forgotten a few examples of that fact that I was exposed to over 30 years ago. There was a very well-known, uh, advice columnist of the time. This would have been back in the mid-70s. Uh, it wasn't, uh, it wasn't Ann Landers or her sister. I forgot what the other one was. But anyway, it was not one of them. It was somebody whose name you'd know very, very well if I mentioned. She wrote some humorous books. But she had received a letter from a woman who was not that happy about a couple of things. She was not happy about her husband snoring.

And she was not happy that when he was outside, he didn't always remember to take his shoes off. And so she'd come in and here was a trail across the floor that she was then obliged to clean up. And all he needed to do, if he were thoughtful, was to take his shoes off. And so, obviously, I don't know about you. I've never written into any columnist. So I'm thinking, you know, it takes a little bit of a crank to get to the place where a person is cranked up enough to write, Dear so-and-so, here's what my husband does and it really bothers me. And then to get the advice back. There was a second communication between the advice columnist and this lady. Her husband, who had annoyed her with these particular proclivities, died unexpectedly. And she wrote a very poignant letter back to the advice columnist saying, What I would do and what I would put up with if I simply had the power to get him back. All of a sudden, the snoring and the occasional footprints across the carpeting had become very, very insignificant. There was no change in the decibel level of the snoring. And the foot tracks were exactly the same size as they were before. But on one side, it was pure annoyance. And on the other side, it was, I'd go to the next it was, I'd give in. I would put up with both of those gladly if I could just have him back.

My wife and I both remember talking with Diane's mom. Her dad died when her mom was in her 60s.

And Diane's mom, as those of you who were here at the time know, lived to 99 here in the Portland area. So that's 30 years of widowhood, close to 40 years of widowhood.

And my father-in-law was a stinker. I don't know if I've ever told you about my father-in-law.

He's provided us with some good laughs. My mother-in-law lived in Big Sandy, and so it was the Big Sandy faculty ministry who would visit my mother-in-law. And my father-in-law said, the first minister that comes to my house, I'm going to shoot.

So my mother-in-law did not receive any ministerial visits.

A wise action. I courted my wife by mail for two years, and then we met one another on the 5th of July in 1965 at Lovefield in Dallas. My folks brought her in to meet me, and we rode back together. And I had two weeks' vacation, and we spent it together the whole time. My father-in-law, to be, was not overly thrilled about Diane dating me, but he was decent.

He tried every way he could to talk her out of marrying.

And we love to go back to look at our wedding pictures, because I have this radiant, beautiful bride walking down the aisle with a father who looks like he's going to a funeral. What added insult to injury was, six days, five days. Five days before our wedding, I was ordained.

And so a man who said, the first minister that comes to my house I'm going to shoot, ended up with a son-in-law who was one. And now he had to put up with me coming to his house any time that that occasion required. I'll leave that as the picture. There were other things also.

My mother and father-in-law separated once or twice during Diane's childhood and got back together. So there were marital challenges there. But after he died, my mother-in-law at times would say, you know what, as hard as he was to live with and as cranky as he was and as much grief as he gave me about my religion, I'd rather have him alive than dead. I would rather have him here and live with all of those things that were a part of life than to be where I am as a widow and without him.

As I said, little things have two faces, the face of the doer and the face of the receiver. And on the face of the receiver, you determine the effect that little things have upon you.

You know, there's a common brag of old people. When they talk to younger people, they say, well, I've forgotten more than you know.

There are times where I think I've forgotten more than I still remember.

But there are few little gems sprinkled throughout time that have never gotten so old that I've forgotten them. In the mid-1970s, in a ministerial education tape series that they sent out to all the field ministers as a part of ongoing education to the ministry, one of the faculty members at Pasadena made a comment that I've never forgotten. And he was simply sharing it as a part of marital relations. He says, look, and he was speaking to the men in this particular regard, but again, it can go both directions. This is not a gender-specific piece of advice.

He made a simple statement, and he was going through and giving pictures about asking things of your spouse and asking things of your spouse and the spouse forgetting and the spouse saying, oh, no, I didn't do that. Oh, I forgot that. He says, look, let me give you a simple rule for improved marital happiness. After the third time of asking your spouse to do something and your spouse didn't do it, forget it. Very counter to a cranked-up attitude. But you know that over time, I've watched it, and it falls back in the same category we've been talking about. You can get frustrated if you ask somebody to do something. You can get more frustrated if you ask them to do it a second time and they haven't done it. You can really get cranked if you've asked them three times and they still haven't done it. You can eliminate an awful lot of attitude by simply saying, look, it's not that difficult for me to do it myself. And he was talking about little things. Obviously, there are big things, for instance, in my marriage, there are big things that Diane can't do. And if she asks me to do it, I'm aware of the fact that if I don't do it, she can't follow the advice I've just given, and vice versa. There are things that I simply can't do that she can. So we're not talking about the big things. We're talking about the nuisance things. And he said, look, piece of advice, buy you a whole lot of marital happiness if you'll simply remember it. After the third time you ask for some little thing to be done and it's not done, do it yourself.

Do it yourself.

You see, the thing is we can become so obsessed with our own indignation that the issue loses all proportion. It simply has lost all of its proportion.

You back up and you say there are some things in life that are not worth the grief that they create. And this is what the faculty member was speaking about as he was talking in the Ministerial Education Table. Observation number three.

Love is an unconditional commitment to an imperfect person.

Love is an unconditional commitment to an imperfect person.

You know, it isn't until you say, I do, that you fully realize the truth of this piece of marriage wisdom. Most of us, most of us, if we have a modicum of self-awareness, and I realize there are some people that go through life and you wonder, hello, is anybody home? But they're not the norm. Most people have some degree of self-awareness.

If you have some degree of self-awareness, you fully realize what the one that you are marrying is going to get.

You have a much less clear picture of what you're going to get.

The old statement, love is blind. It's not that far off. As we're pursuing in courtship the person that we feel, this is the one for me, there's not a lot of objectivity. You know what they're going to get, but it isn't until you've got what you've got that you begin to understand what you've got.

It's like trading cars. You know, when you take your old car down to the car lot to make a trade, you know every single solitary thing that is wrong with that car, and you hope that the car dealer is either A, not going to see them, or B, is going to be lenient as they work up their estimate of what they're going to give you. And so every time you get into a car trade situation, the mechanics are always the same. I know what I've got. I know every flaw. I know everything that's wrong with this car, and I'm hoping as I sit down with the dealer that A is either not going to see them at all, or if he does see them, that he's going to cut me some slack.

Now you're sitting there saying, I saw this jewel on the front line of the car lot, and I have got to have it. I got to have that beauty sitting on the front row. But you know what? It isn't until you have that new beauty for a while that you realize that no matter how beautiful it is, it isn't perfect.

Marriage is that way.

The best description of marriage that I have read is that marriage is an unconditional commitment to an imperfect person.

I've worked with a workbook over the years that has several definitions of marriage.

Several definitions of love.

They range all the way from the humorous to the very serious. This is the very serious.

If I can remember how to say it, the other end of the scale is love is the feeling you feel when you feel a feeling you've never felt before. And of course, that one is the total opposite and unrealistic end of the scale. You know, only a foolish or naive person enters into marriage thinking that they have found Mr. or Miss Perfect. And I mean Perfect as Perfect. The vanity of this foolish point of view is that you actually did find if... well, let's turn the coin around. The foolishness or the vanity of this point of view is that if you ever did find Mr. or Miss Perfect, and I know that the word Perfect, they wouldn't want you.

You know, if you're realistic, if you're realistic and you're looking for Mr. or Miss Perfect, then at the end of your analysis you're going to say, you know what, I haven't got a prayer, because it's like the car situation that I just mentioned. You know your flaws. And if you want Perfect, then shouldn't they get Perfect in return? And Perfect, if you have a mirror, you aren't.

I don't see Perfect when I look in my mirror.

And whether you know it or not, none of you do either. Years ago in Columbus, Ohio, I was counseling a couple, and we were talking about this particular subject, the unconditional commitment to an imperfect person. And we were talking about that commitment, and the young lady's comment was an absolute delight to listen to. She was describing the fellow that she wanted to marry. She said, I found someone willing to help polish the facets. I thought, what an interesting way to put it. I have found someone willing to help polish the facets. When I last saw them leaving that area and leaving Indiana, they had been married for 12 years at that particular time. So they'd been through all the shakeout period of marriage, and we're continuing on. She had a very healthy and a very realistic attitude about what life was all about, what marriage was all about.

There are a lot of sides to who I am. There are a lot of sides to the young man that I'm going to marry, and I have found someone that I think I will be very happy with, and we will work on polishing the facets. Let's take this matter of perfect a step further and investigate the consequences of our need for the perfect mate. Have you ever wanted something because it was quality, not because it was perfect?

And you're acquiring over your lifetime. I'm not talking about people, I'm talking about things. Have you ever wanted something in life that you saw because it was quality, not because it was perfect? If you did and you acquired it, what were the results? When we lived in Indiana, our youth circuit ran from the Ohio-Indiana border up past Milwaukee, Wisconsin, so that whole area was a part of our youth area. And we went up to Milwaukee one time, and I saw a car in Milwaukee that I knew because of its age and miles and all the rest. I knew the car wasn't perfect. I had no illusions, no starry eyes. I said, you know, this car's not perfect, but it was a quality vehicle. And I bought the vehicle not because it was perfect, but because it was a quality vehicle. And I was happy. I entered into it with my eyes open. I enjoyed it while I had it. When I was finished, I sold it and went on with life. But our relationship during that time, owner and vehicle, was a good relationship. Turn it around. Have you ever wanted something because it was perfect? What were the results when you found it wasn't? During that time I lived in Ohio, my wife and I had moved up from Alabama. We were still furnishing our home. And I told her when we got to Ohio, I said, you know, we're right in the middle of the Victorian antique belt of the United States. And I said, I wouldn't mind having some antiques in our house as long as they are practical. I said, I'm not interested in collecting antiques to collect antiques. But if they're furniture pieces that actually fit into our decor and they are practical, I'd like to acquire some antiques. And one that I wanted was a roll top desk. And I enjoyed not only woodworking, I enjoyed refinishing. So I started out, I learned a little bit about desk sizes, and I started out with a little 46-inch wide roll top desk. I refinished it, I sold it, and I moved up to one that was a little more than 50 inches. And I did the same there, and I moved up to one that was 60 inches. And all the time I was learning that the top of the top of roll top desks were 72 inches wide. I'd seen an old black and white movie in a newsroom where they were hiding a convict, and they hid him inside the roll top desk.

If you've ever seen that particular movie, I ended up with the exact desk, not the one in the movie, but that exact same model. I ended up with that exact same desk. My brother called me from, I was living in Ohio, he called me from Texas, and he said, I just found a desk that I know you'll want. I said, send me pictures. He sent them, and I said, buy it immediately.

Probably the most stunning in terms of the woodwork, probably the most stunning full-sized roll top desk I'd ever seen. And I was in love with having found the perfect desk. We arranged to get it from Texas to Ohio, and I moved it into my house.

And when I moved it in, the pedigree was that it sat in an insurance office in Arkansas for probably 40, 50 years. But oak furniture has a weakness. When it sits for decades exposed to direct sunlight, it burns. This was a golden oak desk, and the one side that had sat toward the window in this insurance office was red. That's the pale, reddish colored wood. This is what oak does when it's exposed. And I looked at the desk, and I said, I know what to do with it. I know that the desk would need to be stripped down to raw wood, and then I would need to take a finish and take all of the area that wasn't burnt and shade it the same color as the side that was burnt so that the whole desk would be uniform in color. And I said, but I don't want a red desk. I want a golden one. I had down the road for me the largest oak antique dealer in the state of Ohio. I called him up and I said, I've got a desk for you.

And he fell all over himself getting to my house and buying it. A couple of years later, I talked to a picker that worked for him, and he said, you know, I probably shouldn't be telling you this, but do you know whatever happened to your desk? And I said, no. He said, well, the antique dealer who bought it shipped it back to eastern Pennsylvania, had it stripped down by a professional antique dealer, totally restored, and he has it in his office. And I said, well, I'm glad he's happy with it. But I had wanted something that was perfect.

And from the day it arrived at my house, I was not happy with it.

There's a simple conclusion.

Marriages stay together not because people are perfect.

If that were the criteria, there would be no successful marriages. Marriages stay together because people are committed, and they are committed to an imperfect person.

Don't allow your mind to dwell at any address other than unconditional commitment. Philippians 4.

We've already had the Scripture touched on in the sermonette.

I'll read it in more detail.

It's a conclusion to a thought. And in Philippians 4 and verse 8, I want you to apply this methodology to marriage. Finally, brethren, what so ever thing, or whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy, meditate on these things.

The word that appears here means to take an inventory. It means to take an inventory.

So when it comes to your mate, take an inventory of all of the good things that you got in that package and understand that you have entered into an unconditional commitment to someone who is not perfect. You can sit there like somebody staring at the wart on the nose of an attractive person, or you can look at the attractive person.

Observation number four.

Never yell at each other unless the house is on fire.

This was one author's humorous advice about arguing in marriage.

It would be nice if there were never an argument or a conflict in marriage, but those who can say with a clear face and a steady gaze, my wife and I or my husband and I have never had an argument, are the very, very small minority.

They are a very, very blessed minority, but they are nonetheless a minority. Sooner or later, in most marriages, there are going to be conflicts. To believe that you'll go through marriage without any arguments is unrealistic for most couples, so the real focus shouldn't be on how do we avoid at all costs any disagreements or arguments. The real focus should be how do we deal with them when they occur. Now, the word fight is strong, and I hope you never have a fight in your marriage.

When Diane and I were newly married in the first year of marriage, we were out on the far end of our visiting area. Diane was pregnant, morning sickness was a part of life, and she was my visiting partner. I didn't have an assistant, so she was my assistant. She was getting sick, and I needed to get in the trunk and get a bag for her. I pulled over the side of the road, got out quickly, opened the trunk, got the bag, got it back to her, and in the process of doing it, locked the ignition key in the trunk.

I'm 100 miles from home. I've got a wife with her head in the bag, and I don't have a spare set of keys.

And as we were dealing with the dilemma, I raised my hands like this, just like I'm doing right now, and Diane did this.

And it absolutely shocked me, speechless. I stopped, I looked at her, and as I said, we're in our first year of marriage. I said, did you think I was going to hit you? And she said yes.

And I sat there with my mouth open, speechless for a moment, and I said, Diane, I have never in my entire life seen my mother or father raise their hand against each other. I have never seen my grandfather or grandmother raise their hand against each other. I've never seen my other grandmother and grandfather raise their hand against each other. I said, what you've just reacted to is so totally, completely foreign to everything I've ever seen. I am stunned.

It was a one-time event. It was a powerful event. I think God had an angel there because I stuck something in that trunk key lock that should not have had any effect at all, and it popped open. I was trying to figure out how do I get the back seat out of the car? What do I do? And I said, well, let me go around. I don't know if I stuck a fingernail file or a screwdriver or something in there, and I twisted a little and popped. I heard the latch go, pulled the key out, and we were back about life. But you know, it was a powerful lesson, a very, very powerful lesson about conflict. As I said, the word fight is a strong word, and I hope you never have a fight in your marriage. But for the sake of word pictures, we can make our point by saying the important thing in marriage is learning how to fight fair. James chapter 3 and verse 2 says, if any man offend not in word, the same is a perfect man.

Anybody here want to volunteer to have never offended by word in your life? Can I have a hand?

No men? Women? Can I get a hand from any of the ladies? Never have offended in my life with my mouth. No hands? Okay, we're all in the same canoe.

Sooner or later, all of us offend. Sometimes, as I said with Diane raising her hand, it so totally blindsided me I was flabbergasted. But I had offended. When I said, I don't know what to do, and this was the response, I learned something.

What are the rules for fighting fair?

How many of you are familiar with the term the Marcus of Queensbury?

Okay. The Marcus of Queensbury was a English, a member of English royalty in the 1860s, I think maybe 1865 or 1867. He established a set of rules for professional boxing that are still in effect today. Those rules that were established, I think they were formally accepted in 1867, 12 rules, they still rule in professional boxing. I'm not going to give you something as long as the Marcus of Queensbury, and there are also options. But I can give you a few that you can use to your benefit and to your well-being when it comes to how to fight fair.

Number one, never say never or always. If you're going to disagree with your husband or wife, never say never or always.

Now, whether you realize it or not, when you enter that realm, you're violating the Ninth Commandment that says, thou shalt not bear false witness.

It's nearly impossible for a husband and wife who are disagreeing with each other to bring something up that either one has never done or always does. The result of using always and never is to only make the situation that much worse.

One author made the following observation that that kind of statement is dishonest, and it's also seen by the person that you are contending with as an exaggeration. When you declare to your spouse, quote, you always act that way or, quote, you never do what I ask, you cause your partner to think back to the one time when he or she didn't do what you allege.

And at that point in time, they nullify everything you said. Go back to the last time that you had an always and never argument.

Everybody's head goes the same place. If you carry on long enough, you say, well, I can remember when I did exactly what you said I never do. Therefore, what you're saying is invalid. And the point that your mate is making, it may be a good point, but it just got canceled out. It got canceled out by always and never. Do yourself a favor. Don't go there. Never use always and never.

Rule number two, provided fairly, no gunny-sacking. You know what gunny-sacking is?

Gunny-sacking is walking through your marriage life with a burlap bag. And when your husband or wife does something wrong, you throw it in. And as you go along, they do something else wrong, you throw it in. And as they do something else wrong, you throw it in. And eventually, you end up with a great big bag on the back of your bag, all full of the things they've done wrong. And then comes an argument. You take the gunny sack off your back, open it up, and you start pulling them out.

Remember this. Remember that. Remember when you did this. Remember this time. Remember that time.

Gunny-sacking refers to the habit of stuffing irritations, annoyances, grievances, into a metaphorical gunny sack that you drag around with you all the time. And then, in a fight, you reach into the sack and pull them out and throw them in your mate's face.

If you're dealing with a problem, deal with the problem. Don't drudge up the past.

Stay on the day. If you have a problem today, stay in today.

It breaks the marital marcus of Queensbury rules to say, now, last week, last month, last year, 10 years ago, when we were dating, and start pulling out of the gunny sack, all the ammunition that's not relevant to today. Mr. Reeves was reading from Love and Respect. And there's an anecdote in Love and Respect that I don't know if you gave. The quote goes in this way. As I talked with one man about his marriage, he told me that every time he and his wife get into a fight, she gets historical. To be sure I understood him, I asked if he actually meant hysterical. He said, no, historical. She keeps drudging up everything from the past. Rule number three on fair fighting. No fair calling in reinforcements. No fair calling in reinforcements. Marriage is not a tag team affair. Ganging up is cheating. I had a leg up on most people in marriage. Diane didn't have a prayer when it came to ganging up on me because her mother was the president of my fan club.

And I'm not being facetious. Diane and I would smile at times. And I considered it a very great honor because my mother-in-law was a wonderful lady. But we would laugh at times between the two of us. And she'd say, you know, mom is the president of your fan club. If you and I ever get into a disagreement, I haven't got a chance because my mom will take your side.

It's a nice position to have, but not one to ever take advantage of. You know, you say as a husband, I'm very blessed to have a mother-in-law that feels that way, but that's not something to trade on. It's not something to try to use as leverage. What normally happens is the commiseration of family and friends usually only make a problem words since families usually defend their own.

Remember what it says in Genesis 2, verse 24, as God made woman and introduced her to man and told them that they would become husband and wife.

It was said that you shall leave your mother and your father and cleave unto your wife.

It's a very simple formula.

And in this particular case, it works both directions. So the statement was made because Adam was already alive and standing there. And when he came out of anesthesia, there was a drop-dead, gorgeous woman standing there. And he said, now let me tell you about her. Even though you don't have a mother and father, I'm setting the precedents for all time here, and it'll apply to your sons and your grandsons and your great-grandsons. But this is a matter of setting law, not a matter of dealing with circumstance. You leave mother and father. You cleave to wife.

One of the great disasters in marriage is when that is flip-flopped, and the cleave is to family, and the leave is to me. Or, as we mentioned with the rule, no fair calling in reinforcements.

You know what the most dangerous call is that a policeman can respond to?

With a law enforcement officer, you know the call they dread the most?

Domestic violence. You know why? Because of a very simple rule. And it's a rule that will apply within your marriage if you disagree with one another and you call in reinforcements, and they're foolish enough to respond. The police are concerned because when you respond to domestic violence, it's not that uncommon that once you arrive there to deal with the mess that the husband and wife unite against you.

Sympathizing too much with your own child against their spouse carries the potential of exactly the same kind of backlash. When the two of them resolve their problems, guess who becomes the bad person? It's the mom or the dad who took their side against their spouse. Leave, cleave. The leave is the parent. The cleave is the spouse. And when those are reversed, it creates no end of grief.

Rule number five. Fight for the relationship, not for personal victory.

You know, it may sound crazy, but you need to remember a simple fact.

Every person who fights to win in a family argument sleeps with a loser. And that's not a good place to be.

Now, some of you may say, huh, sleep with a loser. I'm sleeping on the sofa. Well, that's a step down from sleeping with a loser.

You know, you fight for the relationship. You fight for its preservation. You fight for its integrity. You fight to preserve it. Anytime a husband and a wife fight with each other, the relationship is the loser. And since you too have left and you cleave now, you don't win those arguments. As I said, when you win an argument with a spouse, you sleep with a loser. Ephesians 4, verse 26, contains two pieces of advice.

One has to do with anger. It says, Be angry and sin not.

And the other says, Do not let the sun go down on your wrath. Ephesians 4, 26. Don't go to bed angry. The word for wrath, the word that was translated wrath is a word that rarely occurs in the biblical vocabulary. And here in Ephesians 4, verse 26, the word that the translator has translated wrath means to be exasperated, a level of irritation that has brought you to the place of exasperation. And so Paul is saying, Don't let the sun go down on a condition of total exasperation. You know, timing can make all the difference in the world. Having the wisdom to understand timing can make a big difference.

In this particular case, resolve matters before you go to bed is what the Apostle Paul is saying. Before you go to bed, get your problems resolved.

Wisdom says you don't bring up sensitive matters before bedtime.

If you don't have time to resolve something before you go to bed, don't bring it up.

And if you do bring it up, then stay up long enough to resolve it.

Never yell at one another unless the house is on fire.

The last one is a short one.

The last one is learn to really love.

There are a few things I've enjoyed more during my ministerial career than counseling couples for marriage who really want to learn how to have a successful marriage.

We have all types who come for marriage counseling, some perfunctorily and some eager to learn. The most memorable couple that I've ever counseled was in Columbus, Ohio, and the couple came to my home and sat down and said, you know, we're not really sure whether or not we want to marry one another. And that's why we want to go through premarital counseling. We want to go through the counseling, which they knew was going to be about two and a half months worth of counseling. We want to go through the counseling to come out the other end to see if we really do want to marry one another. Two and a half to three months later, we finished the counseling and they looked at me and they said, as a result of the counseling, we have come to understand that we don't want to marry each other. My memory is dim because it's too many years ago. I do remember marrying one of them to somebody else some months, several months, not quickly, but several months later, and a very good marriage. I think I counseled both of them for marriage later, but each one to somebody else and in good marriages. But you know, the wisdom is so rare to see the wisdom to say, you know, I'm not totally sure and I want to be as well armed as I can be. Help me out.

I've used a particular premarital counseling guide for 40 years. There are a number of exercises, and among those exercises are those that I realize all except those who may have been married for some time, widowed, and then are coming back to counsel for another marriage, have enough foundation under them to really know how to answer some of the questions. But in this particular guide, there is one particular question that I tell couples. I realize you probably cannot do this exercise justice, but give it the best that you have. I would recommend this particular exercise to every one of you. In the workbook, this is how it's introduced. 1 Corinthians 13, verses 4 through 7 give the Bible's definition of love. These verses indicate that love consists of many elements, negative and positive. As you consider them below, give three creative examples of how each could be done in your marriage and be specific. 1. Love is the foundation of a successful marriage. True love, not just erotic love, not just erotic and Philadelphia or brotherly love, but the whole package. Since love in all of its aspects is the foundation of a solid marriage, 2. How do I show love? Not abstractly, not in some fluffy, happily ever after fairy tale way, but in very concrete ways. How do I show love?

It's critical to a good marriage. In this exercise, it takes the first one. It says, suffers long. It primes the pump and helps the person out. It says, endures offenses, is not hasty, waits for the Lord to right all wrongs. It then says, give me three examples of how you live that. It takes two pages to do it because there are 14 different aspects to love that Paul lists in 1 Corinthians 13. 14 different ways in which you show love. And this exercise says, I want specifics. I want you to tell me not ethereally. I've told couples, look, I like your philosophical answer, but I don't want to know about it. I want to know about you. How do you do this? Not how it is done.

If you've never done it, I'd recommend you do it. And I'd recommend you keep a copy of it.

Especially for those who are younger and newer in marriage. If you came back to this every five years, I can tell you what would happen if you've got a good marriage. You'd have more illustrations of how to do it right. And you'd have the ability to meditate on the benefits and the joy in your marriage that has been produced as a result of actually applying these things. Well, these are some key elements. Many more, obviously. But these are some critical ones. These are five elements that contribute to a happy and a rewarding marriage.

You treat any or all of these with respect, and they will pay you dividends for the rest of your life.