Sound and Happy Marriage

Marriage is an interesting union of two people. It's a state that is under attack. It is a union that is discounted by many. It is one that is postponed. It is often maligned. It is one that people are afraid of. And yet in marriage is the greatest potential for human fulfillment and happiness. I say the greatest potential for human fulfillment and happiness. Similarly, the greatest potential for human fulfillment in the long run is a relationship with God. Does everyone have a happy marriage? Does everyone have a good relationship with God? I think you can see there by two examples that just by being married or just by having a relationship with God doesn't mean those relationships will be automatically good. Why are relationships sometimes not good? I think you could take the whole Bible and examine it to find out why human relationships with God are not good. But we can turn to a single scripture back in the book of Malachi. Malachi 2, verse 14, to find out why human marital relationships are not always good. Malachi 2, verse 14, gives us but a glimpse, but a very important glimpse, at one of the root causes of failed marriages.

But did God not make them one, having a remnant of the Spirit, and why one? He seeks godly offspring. Therefore, take heed to your Spirit and let none deal treacherously with the wife of his youth. There is a way that a relationship can sour and go bad, and that is when one or the other or both partners deal treacherously with the other. Treacherously refers to the word treason. Treasonous. Going back a little bit, we see in verse 14, Because the Lord has been witness between you and the wife of your youth, with whom you have dealt treacherously. This is what breaks up relationships. The nation of Israel dealt treacherously with God, created treason in the covenant that they made with God, and it fell apart. And yet he continues, she is your companion and your wife by covenant.

God gives specific instructions for having a marriage that is fulfilling and happy, and also a relationship with him that is fulfilling and happy. Then why do most people today divorce? Why does the statistics show that most people will divorce? There was a survey that went around a few years ago and asked the people who were married how many of them were really happy. Five percent said they were really happy. So it's not like you get 50 percent or 55 percent, whatever the ratio is, that divorce, and the others are deliriously happy. There's a challenge there, isn't there?

Why? Why are most marriages unhappy? And the answer is two things. Satan and human nature. Satan hates marriage. Satan hates relationships. Satan hates happiness. He hates the fact that marriage portrays something greater, and he wants to reduce it to ashes in any way possible. And then human nature itself errs in this very self-serving. And those two things conspire to tear apart covenant relationships between people and also covenant relationships between people and God. And so we find the two examples of marriage and also relationships with God are hampered by Satan and by human nature. And yet it remains that marriage, both physically and spiritually, can be and do hold the greatest potential for fulfillment and for happiness. If we look into Proverbs 15, verses 18 through 19, you kind of have to be careful here. But Proverbs chapter 5, verses 18 and 19, it says here, Let your fountain be blessed, your own personal well, this water as a life-giving source, that which enriches your life. Let your particular fountain, that part of your life that gives you life, that gives you happiness, let it be blessed. He says, well, I've lost my place already. Let me go back. 5, verse 18. And that refers back to verse 15, drink water from your own sister and running water from your own well. There's something unique about the covenant relationship between a man and a wife. It is theirs and theirs alone. You'll get the waters polluted or go looking somewhere else. Drink it from your own sister, running water from your own well. Verse 17, let them be only yours, not strangers with you, because that would be treachery, wouldn't it? Treason. And it says, let this fountain be blessed and rejoice with the wife of your youth. Rejoice. It's to be a joyful union from the time that you're young, not just when you're young, as we'll see, as a loving dear and a graceful though skipping the next part, and always be enraptured with her love.

Always. Didn't say just when you're young, always be enraptured with her love. That word, enraptured, actually is a word that talks about being almost high. Kind of a mental delirium, a really excitement. It's a dreamy faith, and always be that with her love. Now, the Bible, some people have said, would be twice as long if it also spoke from the female's side. So you have to take all the verses in the Bible that talk about men, and then you have to reverse them and make it for the women, too. So she also should be enraptured with her husband's love, and all these things apply.

Why is this? Why would I get up here and tell you, a mixed audience, that the greatest potential for happiness and fulfillment lies in marriage? Well, we can go back to the creation of Adam and Eve in Genesis, the second chapter, and we'll find that this is the way God made us. I know each of us seem like we're fine and probably better off on our own, but God didn't create us whole. He created us more in the half. God caused a deep sleep, verse 21 of chapter 2, to fall on Adam. God took one of his ribs, closed up the flesh in its place, and the rib which he had taken from man he made into a woman. And he brought her to the man, and man said, This is now a bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh she shall be called woman, because she was taken out of man. And therefore a man shall leave his father and mother, and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. So this was the purpose that God intended for Adam and Eve, and we are created in a wonderful way to support another person in a marriage relationship. And consequently, though one does not have to be married, it is not a requirement. One can have just a fine life. The maximum potential that you and I have been given lies within fulfilling this state of marriage.

It is, in a sense, our human design. And so God gives instructions in the Bible for having a happy marriage, a solid marriage that's filled with joy. I'd like today to consider some biblical principles that govern happy marriages, that make them bulletproof, as it were, that make them resistant to destruction and decay. Because God wanted marriages to last, and he said he hates when they fall apart. To begin with, I'd like to give you several concepts today, and the primary one is that marriage is a covenant. It's not an agreement, it's not a relationship that's going to be mutually beneficial to two parties that's sort of engineered and prescribed based on what you expect and want out of it. And if you don't get that, then you move along and try it again. Marriage is a lifelong covenant, and God holds us to that covenant unless certain Porneia issues arise from an unconverted mate, or arise at any rate, I shouldn't say, from an unconverted mate, but that would trash or betray or cause treason within that relationship. In Malachi 2, where we were, it mentioned the word covenant, that you had had a covenant with your mate, Matthew 2.14. That's a very important concept for us to understand, because this covenant is a type of another covenant we read of in Ephesians 5, verse 31. We have made a covenant with Jesus Christ, and this covenant is a type of the marriage covenant. So let's go back to Ephesians 5 and look at verse 31. Notice it doesn't say to become two or three fleshes. Polygamy is not permitted. It was never intended by God, and those who did so always paid a high price for it. And so there was to be one flesh. Notice verse 32. This is a great mystery, this thing of marriage. But I speak concerning Christ and the Church. In Revelation chapter 19 and verse 7, we see the fulfillment of what the physical marriage is all about. Revelation 19, verse 7, when Jesus Christ returns, it says in the preceding verse, So we see that marriage is a very important thing, at least to understand. And if you have the opportunity to be involved in a godly relationship with another converted person, there is great potential there for long-term happiness throughout really all of your life.

I would like to remind you about the covenant aspect. I remember when I was counseling Nathan and Jackie for their wedding, which was done back in Ohio. We didn't get to see it, but we're happy to celebrate the fact that they are married today and have some enjoyable refreshments afterward and see some photos. It would be nice to see those photos. But it takes me back and takes you back to the day that you were married, if indeed you have had a wedding ceremony. I remember with my wife and I coming up to the ceremony, it was a very busy time. Chances are for you, it was a very busy time. Things were different and unique and out of place, and life itself was more or less out of order.

When coming down the aisle, it was a room very much like this, actually, and coming down the aisle, it was odd that I was the one everybody was looking at. And I don't really remember much about it. I was in an odd outfit, which I've never worn before or since. I rented it. It looked funny.

I was actually stuck in a room with Mr. Herbert Armstrong over on the side with a bunch of chairs because we as the men were supposed to hide out there. After coming down the aisle, we kind of hid in the room and waited for the big procession of the bride. And he told me, he says, this is the first time this ceremony has ever been used. I've just written this. And that was new. And the chairs were new and the room was new. There was music being played outside, but I thought I was going to get to hear the music at my wedding, but I didn't. There's a little window this big, and you could kind of look out there and see people going... But, you know, we didn't really know what was going on. And at some time, it was our time to leave the closet and come out on the stage, which was odd. And then here came a woman down the aisle, a large amount of white, which Mary had never worn that much before. It was everywhere. It was here and there and 15 feet behind her. And on cue, I was trying to remember, where do I stand? Okay, there's a little piece of tape or something. I've got to stand on the piece of tape. Now I'm supposed to go down and take her from her father. Is it left arm, right arm? Do I kiss her now? What do I do? Okay, so anyway, you go through and then you get back up and then, okay, now where do I stand? Am I on the right piece of stuff here? And you know, they're under a lot of pressure. And somebody's talking. And afterward, you're supposed to exchange rings, but somebody has to hold the flowers and pass the flowers. And where is the ring? Do I have the ring? Some kid have the ring? Is it on a pillow? Is that the real ring? Pretty soon, it's time to, thankfully, get out of here. And later on, you think back. What did Mr. Armstrong say? What did I agree to? I have no idea. I didn't hear it. I don't remember it. He didn't give me a copy. And we did have it recorded, but the recording was lost before we ever got it. So that was that.

So here we have a covenant, and maybe you, similarly, went through something similar at your wedding. And things were said and agreed to that you may not really remember. And so before Nathan and Jackie got married, I gave them a copy of the wedding ceremony. We talked about it. They knew in advance.

I'll give you another copy if you need one. Actually, I'm going to read it to you right now. The man says, Those are a lot of things that a man agrees to. And likewise, the woman says, In sickness and in health, In good times and in difficult times, For as long as we both shall live, To love him, to cherish him, To honor him, to be faithful to him, And to submit myself to him.

Now, we make these commitments, but then how fast we forget them? It's not like we have a meeting every day and go over them with each other. Kind of a recommitment or the weekly, let's get together, let's post the 10 commitments on the wall. You know, we laugh, but at the same time, the relationships fall apart when we don't retain our commitments and perform them, don't they?

These covenant commitments are not to be maintained just if we remember them or when we feel like it. Same with God. Remember, we have that covenant with God. We're not to obey and be true to our commitment to God when we remember it, if we do, and if we feel like it. We're not sort of Christians with random outbursts of loyalty. Another concept is oneness. Within a relationship with us and God, mirror in John 17 how important it was for oneness. God and Christ are one, and Christ wants us to be one.

And so it is in a physical relationship that oneness is so important. Oneness of the closest kind. And he tells a man that he is to leave his father and mother. This is not going to be a family affair. This is not going to be a group activity. This is oneness. You leave your father and mother and cleave to your wife. Singular. The Hebrew word translated cleave is debak. And it means to cleave and to cling to and to keep close.

You keep close to one another. Keep close. The modern Hebrew definition includes to stick to. Debak is, in modern Hebrew, the word for glue. You are going to glue yourselves to each other, as it were. It includes loyalty and devotion, according to Divine's expository words. And so when a husband and wife cleave to each other, join to each other, they are going to unify.

Unify in mind, in will, in purpose, in deed, in the object that they are pursuing, the goals of life. They are going to join together mentally, physically, spiritually. They are going to have a lifelong commitment to their covenant and to any other covenants that they have made, including the one with God. In Ephesians 5, verses 22-30, we find that this oneness comes from love. Not just Eros love, not just Philia love, but Agape love. This is where the beauty of relationships within the Church of God can flourish above all other relationships.

And that is, the love can go to the next level, because we can have God's love in us. Ephesians 5, verses 22, says, wives submit to your own husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, as also Christ is the head of the Church, and Christ is Savior of the body.

You see, there are things that come into play here. We have structure, we have organization, and we also have purpose. Christ is the Savior of the body. He's the Savior of the wife. He is the one who's going to look out, he's going to do all he can to protect her, save her from any type of harm. Therefore, just as the Church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything. Now, I know this is unfair, and it doesn't seem right, because human nature, and a woman says, I don't want to be submissive.

But it is fair, and it is right, and it is just, because really, a woman will find her greatest place, her greatest fulfillment by being submissive to a Christian-loving leader-husband.

And that's what she really wants. It's funny how in this life, the passions that we have are opposites of what are good for us. And we just have to trust God sometimes, that the opposite of what our human nature is telling us is really what we want. It's really, really what we want. The opposite is really what we want. And so, in looking here, he says, husbands agape your wives.

Love them with godly love, not selfish love. In other words, you do something for me, I'll do something for you. Or I'll do something for you to get something from you. I'll do something for you to make our house, and our home, and our family, and our relationship better. I'll love you so that you love me, and I love you, and you love me, and we'll just do it like it seems logical. It's not that I'm going to love you if you don't love me.

Wait a minute, what did Christ say? Love your enemies. Well, hopefully your spouse is not your enemy. But even if there's a problem, you love anyway. You pray for those who spitefully use you. You bless those who curse you. If somebody is mad at you and having a hissy fit and an emotional tantrum, what does Christ say? You bless that person. You give to them.

So, what we find here is a different type of love. That husbands bring this kind of love in just as Christ also loved the church and gave himself for her. Again, not them, her. One person, he gave himself. Did she appreciate it? No. She killed him for it. Essentially, that's what humanity did, kill Christ after he gave himself for us. So it's not that we'll give if we receive, you see. And the reverse is also true. Wives should love their husbands as Christ loved the church. Realm. Same mentality.

Verse 28, so husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies. In other words, them own selves. Love others as yourself. That's the principle that Christ taught. Love your neighbor as much as you love yourself. For we, verse 30, are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones. And for this reason a man shall leave his father and mother. Leave what is your, what is mine, what is my life, my background, my single life, all that stuff. You put that aside for a new relationship. You separate from that and you begin something fresh and new. And now you cleave, you're joined, you're glued, you have the oneness of a new relationship that is based on loving each other. I'd like to say that I've never ever in my life had anybody come to me and say, we have a problem in our marriage because I can't give enough. My husband won't let me give enough. My wife won't let me give enough. You know, I give and serve and give and serve, but then they say, stop! No more! I can't take that anymore. And it's so frustrating because all I want to do is just give. It hasn't happened yet. But you know, that's what Christ did, and that's the example that we just read.

We are to love each other. Love, in its broadest sense, is a choice. We heard a sermonette today on love, and it is a choice. It's an ongoing choice. It's a choice you make every second. Will I love or will I be self-focused? Will I contribute here or will I weigh it all out and logically process this through my mind based on how much has that person done and this and that, and therefore I will respond appropriately? You know, did Christ respond appropriately when a person was nearby with a nasty disease or blind or lame on a mat in his own filth? Did he respond appropriately to the situation, or did he just respond out of love? Emotions are not love. The romance that we have when we fall in love is not love. That's what everybody wants, and oftentimes people will think a new relationship will give that back. A new relationship will give that back. Some people just get addicted to this mental euphoria of self-love, like, oh, that person's looking at me and, oh, I just love it when somebody looks at me, I just have to have that relationship, and that goes away in time. Somebody else is looking at me, oh, I have to have that relationship. All it is is a bunch of selfishness. Love is not emotion. It is a choice. It's something we choose to do.

Self-based emotion from external experiences would include things like getting attention, admiration, honor, respect, being or receiving what they call eye candy, some sort of self-reflection as you go down the street and look in the windows, the shops, and it's just a wonderful day, because I see more of me and somebody thinks a lot of me, and I'm getting a phone call for somebody, for me, and, you know... And that, by the way, is where most marriage counselors come from. Somebody will call up and say, you know what, I'm not getting enough of me lately. Can you fix that? You need to crank this back up a notch. And it's hard to do that. It's hard for anybody to do that. Because what's happening before and after you get married, you're getting so much of the me, it feels so good, but it's so unrealistic that reality, sooner or later, I mean, you have to go to work. You have to get up. You have to, sometime, mow the lawn and go out and sweat and exercise and pay bills and work after hours and maybe do study, etc., etc., etc. And then if any kids come along, look out. There's going to be some distractions from there. And pretty soon, the old, hey, where did all that me focus go? Kicks in.

Paul describes the nature and qualities of agape love in 1 Corinthians 13, verses 4-8. I think it would be good to reread this in the context of marriage, because this is true love. True love. Although I really enjoyed the romance of Princess Bride, true love was not defined there.

True love suffers long. Uh-oh. There's suffering? Yeah, guess what? In a good marriage that's passionate and happy, there's suffering. And a lot of it. At least it lasts a long time.

Okay? But what happens through the suffering? It's very kind. In other words, it understands. The others are weak and have weaknesses. And I know some of you have talked to me, and I may have talked to you, that sometimes there's aspects of that oneness that are a little testy. And you know what? People don't change. So that testiness is pretty much built in for life. If you really can't stand it, you're going to suffer long. But your response is kindness. Okay? Kindness. A carnal response would be demanding and desiring change. And that is not what is necessary. What is necessary, we read, is the one who is bothered by it and has to suffer, needs to be kind. Love doesn't envy. In other words, it's focused on the one. It's not looking over here and saying, Now, if I could remake you, I'd take a little of him and a little of him and a little of him and a little of him, little of him, little of him, and then you'd be okay.

Rather, what we find is that it's not envying. It doesn't parade itself. It's not puffed up. It doesn't think, I am the ultimate. I am the answer. It's all about me or I. Or if you just listened to me or just did what I said or I've got all the answers to life. No, love's nothing like that. It doesn't behave rudely. It's not going to get upset. I've told you 60,000 million times you need to be like I want you to be and you're not.

No, doesn't seek its own, isn't provoked. Oh, look at that. Love isn't provoked. Find another place. Love isn't offended. Hmm. Can't offend. It's funny, you couldn't really offend Jesus Christ, could you? They tried. They tried real hard. They gave him everything and did everything they could to him the day he died. Just totally offended him, humiliated him in every possible way. And nobody could offend him. Wasn't that interesting? Nobody could offend him. So love really, agape love, can't be offended if it's pure. And that's something we have to grow up into Christ. None of us have reached that yet.

Thinks no evil. Does not rejoice in iniquity. Rejoices in truth. It bears all things. Believes all things. Hopes all things. Endures all things. Love never fails. And that's pretty much what you need in order to have a happy marriage throughout life. Because there's all manner of things that are going to come along in life. All manner of setbacks and ultimately death and a separation. And so God's love within the relationship is primary in order to extrapolate the maximum joy, the maximum fulfillment from that relationship. And if we do that, then love is in a marriage, the most important component. In 1 Thessalonians 5, verses 15-22, we find that practicing love requires not only conscious choice, but determination. You can't just say, okay, I'm going to decide to choose to love my spouse. You're going to have to be very determined about that. You're going to have to persevere in doing that. Otherwise, we'll easily be sidetracked. It's not going to get involved in anything that will take it from that goal of showing love and kindness to another. In 1 Thessalonians 5, beginning in verse 15, see that no one renders evil for evil. So in a marriage, you have to resolve, you have to determine, and you have to persevere in loving the individual when evil is spoken to you, said about you, done to you by the other person. Because you would not render evil to evil. If you did, that would not be love. And yet, that is what tends to happen between humans. It's not germane at all to marriage. Most things in marriage are not germane to marriage. They're just people problems. What happens if somebody, you know, a block down, does something evil to you, comes over and, you know, does something nasty to your house and blah, blah, blah, and you catch them at it and, well, what are you going to do to them? I don't know. Them? I've got more paint than they have. I've got more of this than they have. You know, the old mind and the imaginations get cooked up, you know? Well, what happens if that neighbor way down the block just happens to be in bed next to you? And they do something evil to you. See? Now it's your spouse. Well, I'll get them. I'll get her. They've got some stuff there. They don't know it's about to fall on them. I'll just won't quit. I'll quit doing that. I'll show them. I'll teach them a lesson, you see? That's rendering evil for evil. So loving, if you're going to love, would always pursue what is good, both for yourselves and for all, as the rest of that verse continues. Always pursue what is good for both yourselves and for all. If you are committed to that, always doing, always edifying, always blessing, always helping. You're going to help bulletproof that marriage, as it were.

Gary Smalley wrote in a book, Do you want a more enjoyable marriage? It's possible, and it all starts by loving your wife more than any person or any activity. That's from the book, The Joy of Committed Love. You have to love your wife or your husband more than any other thing or activity. Besides God, of course. God tells mates to choose to love each other. In Colossians 3, verses 18 and 19, Colossians 3, beginning in verse 18, Wives submit to your own husbands, as is fitting to the Lord. Husbands, love your wives and do not be bitter toward them. Don't allow bitterness or any kind of resentment to defer that love.

We are to do this, and not just any time, but love your wives all the time. It's a reality that a person cannot be a leader without having a good relationship with others. A married person cannot be a strong leader without having a good marriage. It's just impossible. You cannot be a leader without a strong leader, either of your family or anywhere else, if your life is torn apart by a marriage that's all ripped up, and your stomach is twisted up, and nothing is going right, and you can't even think clearly.

It just can't happen. At the same time, we are to be leading and being an example of God's way of life to society around us, and we can't fulfill that if we can't even love and be loved within our own family relationship. So a good marriage, if a person is a marriage, is very important to have. If one is going to be in any type of leadership role, any type of example to others.

Without love, a husband can't lead his wife. Without love, a wife can't serve her children, submit to her husband. She can't be a help. And yet, when both have love, the whole family benefits. Everybody benefits. And those outside the family benefit as they reach out to others as well. All will feel secure. All will know they're honored. All will know they're appreciated. And that makes it much easier for the whole family to respect the leadership. A husband's position of leadership within the family is only for the good of the family, never for any personal benefit whatsoever.

Selfish reasons do not apply to leadership by husbands. And the reason for that is a husband, too, is under authority. God is an authority. The church is an authority. Any one of us who are husbands are also under authority. It's not just that the wife has to submit to somebody, or the kids have to submit to the parents. Even the dog has to submit to the kids.

It's just authority. Mr. Armstrong once summarized the Christian duty as submitting to authority. The entire Christian duty, and all that you'll be judged for, is submission to authority. That's one way of looking at it. Because if the great authority is God and God's rules and God's ways, and if you don't submit and comply with God's rules and His ways, you're not going to be in the kingdom. So that's an important thing for us to learn. And all of us are under authority. In 1 Corinthians 11, it's a little way over here, verse 3, But I want you to know that the head of every man is Christ.

It's not like the guys are in some special category where we can be the rebels and don't have to be under anyone. The head of every man is Christ, and what is every man required to do? Love his wife. She could reach up and bang you on the head and say, Hey, you need to submit to Christ and love me! That'd be a good wake-up call at times for all of us, I'm sure. The head of every woman is man, and the head of Christ is God the Father.

See, there is authority all the way up and all the way down, and we need to remember that. Now, being a leader doesn't mean you make all the rules, you make all the decisions. It would be folly for any man to say, okay, I'm the leader. And many men are fools who do such things because God created the woman as his helper.

And she has a lot of wisdom and knowledge and a lot of insight and a lot of intuition. And whenever a man makes decisions and starts running life or the household or whatever without her, it's folly. I don't know how else to describe it. It is just folly. So a husband needs to wisely include his wife because she's got the other half of your brains.

And if you're going to do it half-brained, well, you can expect what the result's going to be. There are times when a husband sometimes needs to defer to the wife because she will have the insight. She will have the understanding. And man doesn't have to make every decision. There are some decisions, quite frankly, a man needs to stay out of. It's just that when a decision needs to be made and when direction needs to be given, he is the ultimate authority within the family. Another key component of a happy, successful, fulfilled marriage is respect.

Respect. I'll give my mother credit for this one. She taught me this one before I got married. To her, from a lady's standpoint, respect was very, very important. And a respectable husband was very, very important. Someone she could respect, someone she could submit to because he was a respectable person. Respect is something like love that comes by choice. Respect isn't necessarily a thing. Respect is really a choice. Respect is not given as much as it's earned, but the person who it's earned by has to give it, and we can choose not to.

For instance, you could look at an individual and say, okay, this individual does something, but there's this little sour thing about that individual. There's a sour thing. And therefore, that sour thing just grates and annoys me, and therefore I can't respect that individual.

Or you can look at the individual and say, you know what, there's 999 wonderful things that this person does. Many that I don't do. I should, but you know, I don't. And there's one little annoying thing, but I choose to ignore.

But I greatly respect this individual. It's a choice, isn't it? Giving respect is a choice. Of course, being honorable is a responsibility that we all have. But if we are all trying to be God-like, we are honorable. God looks at us as honorable. He calls us holy. He looks at us as His children, a chosen generation. He thinks when we're clean and we're repented, He thinks we're pretty great. That's choice. When Satan comes along, what does he do? He complains and he condemns. Look, God! Look at this man over here, Job!

We'll find some problems in him. He likes to come and complain and condemn. Which mind do we want to have? Do we want to have the kind that's trying to respect, or do we want to have the condemning mind? We can choose to respect or despise, and our focus is a choice. And that's an important key to a happy marriage. I have found that in my life through the years. I've been very, very happy that my mother taught me that principle, and it is absolutely true.

A husband choosing to respect his wife, a wife choosing to respect her husband, is one of the great keys to a happy marriage. I could use this example, and I have in my own life. It's a very trivial example. I once bought a car, an old used car, and this car was always falling apart. And it was not a well-made car, and everything about it was not well-made. And most of those things that weren't well-made reminded me all the time they weren't well-made.

And it was always a drudge to drive that car. I got another car. This car was well-made. Everything about the car is a pleasure to use and operate. And year after year after year, the car remains an incredibly well-made car. Right down to the little details. If you have to change a tire, and you hate changing flat tires out in this heat, but if you go to change a tire and you loosen a lug nut, all you have to do is loosen the lug nut and then take your fingers and spin it.

The lug nut will spin all the way off into your hand. That's how well the tolerances on those grooves are made. Even changing an old dirty tire, you respect something that is done well, you see. Now, you have the opportunity to look at the same vehicle the same way. Because in reality, the perception is your own. A car that is a lousy car to you may be a dream car to somebody else. It just depends on your viewpoint. And maybe some of the qualities of the car. But usually you can find and focus on the things that are great about the car.

Look how fast it goes. Look how slow the guy is walking that I'm passing. When it's raining, look how dry I am. This is incredible. When it's hot, there's some air blowing on me that's cool. This is really a great invention, this little car. There's shade. And when it's cold and snowy, I'm warm.

These cars, they're really exciting. So again, if you can respect, not because you have set this high standard and therefore somebody meets it, but if you can come to respect another individual in your eyes and look at the positives and think, wow, this is really good, you will have a much, much happier marriage. Otherwise, if you go around saying, oh, I've got this miserable car, you know, it goes 60 miles an hour, it's cold, and it has all the features and everything, I've got this miserable car, it's got paint chips on it, or it blows smoke out the back.

And things that are highly irrelevant to the car performing for you, but you can focus on those things and drive you crazy. It drops a little spot of oil on the garage floor. It drives me nuts. A little spot of oil on the garage floor.

In Ephesians 5.33, which we've already read, Paul urges wives to respect their husbands. Husbands love your wives, and wives see that you respect your husbands. Very, very crucial point to a happy marriage.

In 1 Peter 3.7, God wants us to grow together. Nobody's perfect. Our respect and admiration should raise as life goes on, as we grow, as we overcome, as we learn more. We need to work together as a team. In 1 Peter 3.7, it says, Husbands, dwell with your wife. Dwell with them. Dwell means reside. Reside with your family. Reside with your wife. With understanding. Understanding is from the Greek. It means an understanding of different needs. It's referring to the scientific concept of understanding different needs.

Husbands and wives are uniquely different. Different in every way possible. Every physical, mental, emotional, cyclical, whatever. Every way. We're just different and always will be. And that is what brings the attraction in, because opposites attract, and that's also what brings in the component of frustration. That anguish that breaks up marriages is the differences if they're not recognized and appreciated and served, will break those two people apart. Husbands dwell with them with understanding.

Understand the differences. Giving honor to the wife. Men often do not honor and appreciate all that a wife does. Much more harder, longer-working, more involved individual within the family, despite who brings home the most money. Generally speaking, the wife will outwork the husband. That starts from early in the morning and goes to late at night. They're just multitasking and do all kinds of things. A man will often say, well, yeah, but that's just dusting, or that's just the second job, or that's just going to the grocery store, or that's just changing the diaper, raising the kids.

I'm doing the important stuff. I've got the toys, and I've got the job, and the career, and I've got the sermon, and things like that. We've got the important things. But what he's saying here is we need to understand and honor as to the more valuable vessel. He's comparing vessels here, and these are vessels of the kitchen, vessels that are in this example that Peter is giving. A vessel was that which was used in the kitchen. It was a vessel, usually a water vessel, or some type of vessel that involved food.

And when he says the weaker vessel, therefore he's comparing it with something. He doesn't mention the other one, but the other one would then be the husband, which would be the tougher vessel. So you had the weaker, and you had the tougher. The tougher vessels, back in that day, would be the heavier, thicker pottery, or iron that was used usually over a fire, or for hauling larger loads like water pitchers with the pointed in that were hauled long distances. Those were important. It was like the guy who often does a lot of the work. He'll do the tougher stuff, the dirtier stuff. But the weaker vessels were the thinner, the more delicate, the more detailed, artistic, certainly the more valuable vessels in the kitchen.

And so what he's saying there is, you honor her as you would those artworks in your house that are sometimes maybe used on the table or other decorations. That's the type of honor you would give the wife. It has nothing to do with about her being weak. I mean, how would you honor something that's weaker just because it's weaker? That's not the point. It's talking about vessels, not strength or weakness. And so, you know, this would be more honorable than, you know, my aluminum canteen relic from, you know, the war that's all beat up and bruised up.

But, you know, you can drag it across the country on a campout. Hopefully, a man would stop and appreciate. That's what he's saying here. Take the time to reside with understanding, giving honor to her as the much more worthy, praiseworthy individual in the house. And being heirs together of the graciousness of life that your prayers may not be hindered. And finally, be of one mind, having compassion, tenderhearted and courteous, as we've read before. So there's that mentality. Conflict and communication will come into any relationship, including marital relationships. Positive comments indicate a good relationship, and you can sort of use a barometer of your marriage by gauging what is the ratio between positive things said and negative things said.

Positive communication indicates a strong relationship, where criticism indicates a poorer relationship. A study made by the U.S. News & World Report of 691 couples indicated that the more the partners argue, the more they will eventually divorce. There's a component there. It's a barometer. Why is that? Because conflicts lower respect. Arguments and words will cut down and lower the respect of other individuals, and will then build resentment from having been spoken to in that way.

Spouses who stayed together made five or less critical comments per 100 comments made about each other. That's 95 positive comments to five negative comments, and they stayed together, it said. Spouses who later divorced made 10 or more critical comments out of 100.

90% of their comments about each other were positive, but they didn't stay together. Even happily married couples sometimes have differences of opinion. We need to use the Bible's methods of loving, that agape, not being offended, not returning in kind, thinking highly of one another, respecting one another, focusing on the good. And there is the beauty of life, because really we're not going to change. Neither party is not going to change very much through life.

Paul said in Philippians 2, verses 4 and 5, let each of you look out not only for his own interests, and that's really a crux in marriage. You can't go into marriage or stay in marriage looking out for your own interests, thinking, oh, it's great to have a husband in Old Scree, taking care of me, and I'm looking after myself, and I'm going to go shopping, and I'm going to make myself pretty, and I'm going to do this, and I'm going to do that.

Or a husband who goes on and says, oh, now I'm married, and I've got a wife, and now I'm going to go out and work and party, and I'm going to have friends, and I'm going to go here, and I'm going to go there, and I have my toys and everything. Now, if you're looking out for your own interests, pretty soon you're going two different directions, and too many houses are filled with people who are going different directions.

He says, look not out only for your own interests, but also for the interests of others. Oh, so men should go shopping with their wives. Wives should go with their husbands and these adventures, you know, fishing or hunting or whatever. You know, and you develop your life together, and you do things that you mutually can agree to have fun with.

The guy doesn't have his toys. We have our toys. You know, we both have the boat, and we both go on the boat, and we take our family and our friends on the boat. It's our boat. And he works on the engine, and I work on the carpets and the food, and he, you know, does this and that, and I do that, and it's our boat, you see?

Versus it being always different things in different directions. That's why the Apostle Paul did not take a life, because he couldn't, he didn't have the time in his calling, in his focus in what he had to do to care for the needs of a woman. But when you conscribe, when you are a conscript into a covenant with a woman, you have made the decision, or with a man, you have made the decision that we are going to set aside certain things in life.

I will never do certain things in life. For instance, I will never sail around the world alone in a sailboat while I'm married. I'd love to sail around the world in a sailboat. Ever since I read Robin Graham, I think it was, the dove, and he sailed around, oh, just get me in a sailboat. I know one of the news commentators did that. He took off around the world in a sailboat. And guess what happened when he got home? His wife was married to someone else. And I remember him saying that. At the end of his big adventure, he says, well, it was a great adventure.

I really wanted to do this my whole life. And this was just the biggest dream. But on another note, it did cost me my marriage. Well, guess what? That's what you have to do in life. At a certain point, you say, I'm going to marry this person. I'm going to set aside certain things that I would do for my selfish self. And I'm not going to do those. And I'm going to do other things instead. Look out for the interests of others. Let this mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus. One other important thing is to forgive. Everyone makes mistakes.

I think we all know the principle that we want to be forgiven and we need to forgive others. But look how Christ puts it in Luke chapter 6, verse 37 and 38. Luke 6, verse 37. It says, judge not or condemn not others. Don't condemn your mate. If you don't condemn your mate, guess what? You're probably not going to have your mate condemn you. It's not going to be this condemning going back and forth. Condemn not and you shall not be condemned.

Forgive and you will be forgiven. If you forgive when others trespass against you, especially your mate, what can you expect in return? You'll get some slack, too. But verse 38, continuing. Give. Now, if you really want a happy marriage, and for those of you who aren't married, if you want a happy life, give. Give, give, give. Cast your bread on the water.

It'll come back to you. Give, and in marriage, it will be given to you. Not only given to you, but you'll be given good measure. Not just a good measure, a great measure. Measure that's pressed down. Get some more in there. Press it down. Get all you can possibly get in that container. The windows of heaven are opened here. And running over will be put into your bosom. For with the same measure that you use, it will be measured back to you.

So rather than condemning, be giving. And when you give to your mate, it just comes back to you in spades, as they say. It comes back to you in heaps and bounds. Life is good when you are giving and others are giving back. I'd like to close by giving three points to a happy marriage. These aren't the only three points you could come up with, but here are three good ones. Point number one.

Give yourself to your mate. Make yourself a gift to your mate. All the time, every day. It's the opposite of a selfish focus. Turn yourself into a gift. Turn yourself into one who is giving. Giving, giving, and giving. No personal expectations. Not giving in order to get and then maintaining the little mental log. Let's see. I gave, gave, gave. Now am I getting, getting, getting? Just get up in the morning. I love to get up in the morning and ask God, help me make Mary the happiest that I can possibly make her today.

Help me find ways of doing that. We read in Ephesians 5, 28, so husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies, for he who loves his wife loves himself. Why? Because it's going to come back to you. Or wives loving their husbands. It's going to come back to you. It really is. And it's a great day when you're giving and someone's giving to you. Second point is treat your spouse in a loving and kind way, putting their wishes ahead of your own.

You know, you have wishes and needs and wants that are really important to you. Put theirs on top of that. Because theirs are just as important to them. A wife is compelled, for some reason, to respond in kind. Maybe a man is too, I don't know, but I know wives are. I haven't had a husband, but I've had a wife. And wives are just compelled to respond in kind. So what do you want in your tsunami?

You know, if we think about that, if we do something in a certain way, in love, it's going to come back. There's a lot of wonderful things in life that can come back at you and will come back at you. And the third point is when a wife and husband respect each other, when they really respect each other, when they freely extend love, when they praise each other for the good that they do, they melt in each other's arms. And they are around the greatest person on earth. The most respectable, honorable, exciting person that there is. And guess what? They get to live with that person.

Life doesn't get much better than that. They appreciate each other because that respect brings appreciation. They appreciate and are attentive to one another. And that results in a human happy state that is unbeatable. You just can't find it anywhere else. So in conclusion, husbands and wives can preserve their romance, their relationship, by giving themselves to each other, by continually upgrading their own personal character to emulate that of Jesus Christ, and by being absolutely faithful and rock solid to the covenant agreements that they made in marriage.

And in doing so, they will find the most fulfilled, happy state that a human being can be in. Marriage.