Lessons from Matthew 18 about Reconciliation

One thing that you learn as you get older in life is how careful you have to be not to offend others. It's so easy to do and so hard to undo. I know that in my life. The principle is found in Proverbs 18 verse 19. It says, A brother offended is harder to win than a strong city, and contentions are like the bars of a castle.

The Passion Translation has it. It is easier to conquer a strong city than to win back a friend whom you've offended. Their walls go up, making it nearly impossible to win them back. Now, the Apostle Paul was so sensitive and careful not to offend that he actually said the following thing in the Bible. He said, A brother stumbled. 1 Corinthians 8.13. So he was willing to give up food when that brother was present and not eat the meat. I remember years ago when we started our ministry, Kadi and I were over in San Diego and we were visiting Mexico, the area there of Baja, California.

And I remember visiting a family that there were vegetarians, there were Christians, but they didn't eat meat. And so I remember going and eating with them, and we didn't have meat there. And I wasn't going to offend them. I ate what they ate. I wasn't going to affect and offend them by saying, well, I eat meat, so I want some.

No, you accommodate. You do that for their sake, to be considerate toward them. That's just something in the past that I just remember. And guess what? That family was very positive. They eventually came into the church and from all the information that I have. But we started on the right foot because you're not doing your will. You're doing what it takes to accommodate to another person. So how are we to avoid offending other people? We know how difficult human relations are, and what can we do when we do offend?

Christ devoted a whole chapter in the New Testament, and we recently, in the Doctrine Committee, presented and had restored the paper on reconciliation and Matthew 18. How many have seen that paper? Okay, Randy saw it. That's good. And Gene. That's on our ucg.org website. It had been, and now it's back, and we actually strengthened it even more. So it's a very positive paper, and I recommend everybody kind of like homework to do. Go over it with your Bible, because it really was very profitable for me, going over all that we had to present it to the council, and that's part of the minutes of the council.

You can see us going over that paper. So Matthew 18 is where Christ deals with what today is called conflict resolution, when we have problems with other people. Has anybody ever lived that didn't have problems with other people? I don't know anybody, and I certainly am one that has had to be so careful and continue, and I will step on people's toes. I need to learn this on my own, and we all do too, but Jesus Christ told us how to deal with it when somebody gets offended, and it's so easy to do.

We've got our tongues that get us into trouble all the time. So let's go to Matthew 18, because we're going to go over this chapter. It's a marvelous chapter that Christ gave the instructions. Here we have God as the Christ who was the Word gave us these instructions. Starts in Matthew chapter 18, which has to do with how to deal with an offended brother, or how to deal with somebody that offended you. So these are human relations.

It says in Matthew 18, the first section is Matthew 18, 1 through 6, and it says, at that time the disciples came to Jesus saying, Who then is greatest in the kingdom of heavens? Here they were. They were jockeying for position. Oh, they were wonderfully inflated that, oh, we're the apostles now. Who's the greatest among us? And Christ just pushed it down. He squashed that vanity in his disciples and said in verse 2, Then Jesus called the little child to him, set him in the midst of them, and said, As surely I say to you, unless you are converted and become as little children, you will by no means enter the kingdom of heaven, which means the kingdom of God.

So Christ was telling them, don't worry about who's going to be the greatest. Just worry that you are going to be in the kingdom of God, because you need to be more converted. You have to have a better attitude than what they were showing at the time. Verse 4, Therefore whoever humbles himself as this little child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. Whoever receives one little child like this in my name receives me. So we need to have a humble and innocent attitude toward things. It says love is that way. It believes the best. It tries to do the best. So when we're going to deal with a problem where either we are offended or we've offended somebody, Christ is saying, look in yourself first.

Have the right attitude when you do this. Don't come at another brother or sister into faith and come in anger and upset. No, do it with that humble spirit, because that's a way we can reconcile. And God is very concerned that we do so, that a person doesn't all of a sudden get offended and leave and maybe forsakes their opportunity to be part of that kingdom of God. It's that serious. So the second section, oh, and by the way, here in verse 6, after it goes into the attitude, it says, but whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him if a millstone were hung around his neck and he were drowned in the depth of the sea.

So he's saying, be careful, because we have a responsibility so nobody leaves the church because of something that we have done that we have offended someone else.

And it's very serious. We have to take it very seriously. That's why when we when I know I've offended somebody, well, I want to go to them. I don't want to wait. I want to get the thing resolved. And if they have offended me, I wait. I wait and see how things work out. Don't want to push or pressure people. It's different. It says that we can forgive. We can overcome it. So in verse seven, it says here, woe to the world because of offenses. For offenses must come, but woe to that man by whom the offense comes.

Here the term for offenses has to do with stumbling.

And it says here in verse six, whoever causes one to sin. The term comes from Ha-Martiya, which means miss the mark. In the New International commentary, it says stumbling envisaged is much more drastic than simply being offended or even scandalized. It appears to mean fatal damage to the disciples' relationship with God. They are caused to, quote, trip so as to be in danger of falling out of the spiritual race altogether. So we can do that, cause a stumbling block, and basically it causes a person to trip. We want to avoid that.

Verse eight, it says if your hand or foot causes you to sin, cut it off and cast it from you. It's better for you to enter into the life lame or maimed, rather than having two hands or two feet to be cast into the everlasting fire. And if your eye causes you to sin, pluck it out and cast it from you. It is better for you to enter into life with one eye, rather than having two eyes to be cast into hell fire. So Christ, of course, is exaggerating here for effect, but he's saying, look, if you caused that stumbling and it was because of what you said or how you dealt with it, whether your hand or foot was involved or your eyes, you better resolve that because it could cause condemnation by God.

So let's go on to verse 10. It says, take heed that you do not despise one of these little ones. For I say to you that in heaven their angels always see the face of my father who is in heaven. Angels love people who come into the church, no matter what state they are in. You've got an angel helping you out, and they love to talk about that new person that's coming into the faith. They're excited about it. They're taking care of them. They're over that person's house. They're there when they're traveling in their car. They're there and just make sure things work out for them in the best way. He goes on to say, for the Son of Man has come to save that which was lost. So Jesus Christ is concerned about that little one that he died for. What do you think? If a man has a hundred sheep and one of them goes astray, does he not leave the 99 and go to the mountains to seek the one that is straying? And if he should find it, assuredly I say to you, he rejoices more over the sheep than over the 99 that did not go astray. Even so, it is not the will of your Father who's in heaven that one of these little ones should perish. So God wants all people being called by God to make it into the kingdom. And yet we have a responsibility to help the person go forward and not be a stumbling block.

And so now Christ goes into the heart of the matter. How to deal when you've been offended or you have offended someone. In verse 15, it says, Moreover, if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. So first of all, it should be private. Don't go and tell every Tom, Dick, and Harry, oh look what this person did to me, because that's the way it spreads. Gossip and rumors. You want to keep it confidential. You want to keep that person's reputation intact. And so it says here, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. That's the key word in private. Here's what we have in this paper, Reconciliation in Matthew 18, that I've talked about. It says, Matthew 18, 15 must be understood in the context that Jesus wants his disciples to do an ongoing work of reconciliation. He wants us to be like him. The example Jesus gives us involves sin by at least one party. Yet sometimes offenses occur that involve no sin. That is, one person feels offended due to his perception of the situation, but there is no sin for the offending party to repent of. So it doesn't say, you sinned against me, but that's their idea. Sometimes it turns out to not be that way.

Sometimes one is even asked to repent of something he or she has not done, and therefore cannot repent. Reconciliation of all parties is still the desired goal, but the following process may not lead to complete understanding and reconciliation in these cases. Not all these cases are solvable.

The church leadership, as it tells us, 1 Corinthians 5, 3 through 5, you remember when Paul had to deal with this person that was sinning in the congregation and he had to give instructions? He says, the church leadership may be unable to render a godly judgment, holding either party accountable if no actual sin is involved. In such cases, all parties must be patient with one another and not so discord in the church. Be patient to be able to resolve this. Keep it always in the lowest level as far as being confidential, being private. Don't deal with it with people that have no need to know about this. If your brother sins against you, it says, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother. The phrase, you have gained your brother, indicates that the primary reason for going to your brother is to gain him, not to sink him down lower, not to humiliate, but to gain, to recover that person. It should be done in the spirit of gentleness, considering yourself lest you also be tempted, Galatians 6.1, with meanness and humility, not pride, arrogance.

The result is then reconciliation, which leads to peace and brotherhood. We've been able to take that thorn out of the flesh. Now the relationship is restored. If the discussions are successful, the matter is resolved in the initial step. No more has to be done, which is always the best result. When sin is handled in a private manner without involving others, we avoid engendering gossip and division. Two parties have been involved in the initial two. Two parties have done the hard work of mutual submission, repentance, forgiveness, and agreement for going forward. They have been perfected to a degree by the process. They've learned something. Oh yeah, this is the way it works. This is the way we can gain our brother back.

But if one party is truly guilty, then repentance is a necessary ingredient of both forgiveness and reconciliation. In fact, the goal of the person doing the accusing must become that of trying to restore his brother. Note the attitude of the apostle Paul toward one who had sinned and repented. Now I rejoice not that you were made sorry, but that your sorrow led to repentance. For you were made sorry in a godly manner, that you might suffer loss from us in nothing. For godly sorrow produces repentance leading to salvation. Not to be regretted, but the sorrow of the world produces death. In other words, people can say they have forgiven, but they haven't really. And this is from 2 Corinthians 7, 9 through 10. So next is step two. Supposing you've got your brother, it hasn't resolved the thing. There is some type of sin involved in the matter that it's a grave offense. And now you take step two. Going with witnesses to the brother or sister. It says if he will not hear, and let's go to verse 16. It says, but if he will not hear, take with you one or two more, that by the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established. So why is that? Perhaps he or she did not hear, because he was in denial of his offense when a person talked to him. Perhaps a presentation of the grievance was faulty. Perhaps he's actually innocent of an offense. In any case, it now becomes critical that objective witnesses validate the process, but exposure to a wider audience is still kept to a minimum. Still want this to be private. Two witnesses were used in a judicial context to establish the fact in a judgment. Durami, 1915, says one witness shall not rise against a man concerning any iniquity or any sin that he commits. By the mouth of two or three witnesses, the matter shall be established. So the witnesses have great responsibility to be fair and honest.

Let's go to step three. It says, and if he refuses to hear them, tell it to the church. So you take it to the church leadership. Christ was talking to his disciples, his apostles. He was saying, you are the ones that can bind and loose these type of judgments. You're given that authority. So one or both parties should take the matter, along with the witnesses, to the church leadership. It is hoped that the counsel and judgment of the ministry will lead to a resolution of the issue and a reconciliation of the disputants. This is an appeal for an objective, spiritually-minded, authoritative judgment on how the conflict should be resolved. We have Matthew 16, 18, and 19, where Christ talks to Peter, says, I'm going to give you that power to bind and to loose. In Matthew 18, 18, it says that to all of his apostles, 1 Corinthians 1, 11, Paul says that he's the one that has to rule over the cases that come before him, not the congregation. Titus 1, 5 says that you're to establish elders to be able to deal with local issues like this.

Furthermore, the ministry desires and promotes the reconciliation of all brethren. If not resolved, the conflict will spread to others and perhaps even become a root of bitterness by which many become defiled. And we've seen congregations divide up in the past. Some take this side of things, the other takes this other side, and it can really lower the spiritual condition of the congregation. The Hebrews 12, 15 talks about being defiled. In addition, it is important to recognize that when a matter covered by this Matthew 18 formula is brought to the church leadership, the ministry will ask the one bringing the complaint if he or she has gone to his or her brother first. If not, the minister will encourage the plaintiff to seek private reconciliation following Christ's instruction. In other words, a person who had to claim or was offended. This is essential before the ministry gets involved in a matter. So the ministry is not to deal with this in step one. That's between you and the person, and there are some witnesses. See, we always keep things at a lower level, because as you get into a higher level, more people are involved. Things can get out more easily in the congregation, where we want to respect everybody's reputation and be able to resolve this without everybody else knowing about it. Why do they have to know about it? We got our own problems, right?

But then, what happens if they won't listen to the church leadership? It says, verse 17, and if he refuses to hear them, tell it to the church. But if he refuses, even to hear the church, let him be to you like a heathen and a tax collector. And surely I say to you, whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you lose on earth will be loosed in heaven. So he's talking to the ministry here who have that responsibility. Again, I say to you, if two of you agree on earth concerning anything that they ask, and he's talking here basically about the leadership, it will be done for them by my father in heaven. He's going to respect that judgment. For where two or three are gathered together in my name, I am there in the midst of them. So in the context, he says, look, where there are these church leadership, he's going to be guiding them and following them. So again, from this paper, it says the goal is still the same. Reconciliation of all individuals. Jesus addresses only the scenario in which the party judged to be guilty does not repent and reconcile. So that's isolated. It is understood that if he or she did, once again, the other individual would have, quote, gained his or her brother and sister, and the matter would be put to rest. But if the two parties fail in their efforts, Christ is clearly saying that either or both parties may request a judgment by the church leadership. He shows that the judgment may lead to a change in the guilty party status in the church. In fact, Christ requires that brethren treat a corrected but still unrepentant brother, quote, a cahithern, and a tax collector, as if he is no longer part of the fellowship of the saints. This principle is evident in many biblical examples of discipline. Within the church, this is for the purpose of maintaining unity and peace. If the guilty individual is not willing to accept righteous judgment, not willing to repent and reconcile, then in some cases this person cannot participate in the fellowship of the church. Such behavior and attitude would be a negative influence on others and be of no profit to the person either. So here we we place this because the degree of discipline can depend on the attitude of the person and the severity of the case. I know after being in the ministry now for 48 years, there are all kinds of cases. Some are like cases and you don't have to do anything publicly and the person's not suspended or anything, but you're still working with the person. You're always working for reconciling, bringing back the goodwill amongst us, because we are like a flock. Christ is a cheap sheaf shepherd and he puts these under shepherds to carry out things, but we all need to reconcile ministry and membership together. I've seen it in the past where the ministry or the minister was actually the problem and not the member. Sometimes it's a member who's a problem. So there are many different nuances and varieties. One size does not fit all, but we all want the best solution possible. Notice what it says in James chapter 4.

James chapter 4. It says in verse 11, Do not speak evil of one another, brethren. He who speaks evil of a brother and judges his brother speaks evil of the law and judges the laws. Are people given the authority to act and pass judgment? No, that's something God does, and he does it through the church. He says, But if you judge the law, you are not a doer of the law, but a judge. There is one lawgiver who is able to save and to destroy. Who are you to judge another? So let's have the humility to accept what God is doing in the church in James chapter 5 in verse 19. James takes up this topic again. He says, Brethren, if anyone among you wanders from the truth and someone turns him back, let him know that he who turns a sinner from the error of his way will save a soul from death and cover a multitude of sins. And basically, here it's talking about you are going to be blessed if you're able to do that. Cover up a lot of your mistakes before God, because we were reconciling people together. We all have to do our job. A minister can't do it by himself. Depends on all of us to work together to carry all of this out. So let's go to a couple more scriptures in Colossians chapter 3. Colossians chapter 3 verse 12.

It says, Therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, put on tender mercies, kindness, humility, meekness, long suffering, bearing with one another, because we're all imperfect. We all commit sins. We all offend. You want to hear a funny story? At the time I offended somebody, but actually it didn't turn out that way. But I always remember a lesson I learned. There were two little ladies in Chile. They lived in a town that was an hour and a half away from Santiago. They were widows, and they were in their 70s at that time. Very nice ladies. God and I love to visit them. They were very poor, but they kept their house clean, very dedicated. We would have them over to the house for Passover. Sometimes we'd have up to 18 people from different parts in our house for the Passover. We'd go and pick them up at the bus station. One of the ladies was a little hard of hearing. And boy, she was a go-getter, even in her 70s. She was the one that kept everything spic and span in the house. And when I visited her, I said, you know, you are so responsible the way you do things. Well, unfortunately, in Spanish, the term I used is, it is muy responsable. It's very similar to muy ir responsable. You're very responsible. She heard, you're very irresponsible. So she got mad at me. And months later, she came and we got together and she said, you know, why am I irresponsible? And I look back, I said, I never said that. I said, you were responsible. You see, you're saying that same thing again. See, hard of hearing. She couldn't understand it. Even I repeated it. See, so what can you do? You just try to work it out. But here it tells us in Colossians, you know, bearing with one another and forgiving one another. If anyone has a complaint against another, even as Christ forgave you, so you also must do. In other words, have the humility have the innocence, have the goodwill many times to forgive, forget. Now, Matthew 18 does apply when the thing isn't resolved, when it's something repetitive that you see that the person's constantly doing this. That's the time when you need to talk to the person. So, you know, we are to be humble. That doesn't mean we're supposed to be doormats to people to just step all over us. And we're saying, thank you, just step on me again. No, that's not the way it works. But God did tell us a method to carry all of this out.

Let's go to 1 Corinthians 13 as we finish. 1 Corinthians 13.

And I tell you, the key is to have that innocence, that willingness to be untreated, to not think so highly of ourselves. We commit mistakes all the time. And why can't we forgive the mistakes of others? 1 Corinthians 13. Verse 1, it says, Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I have become sounding brass or a clanging cymbal. If you don't have that love in your heart, that outgoing attitude and self-sacrificing attitude toward others, all you have is an outward religion. It's not really a converted person inside. And though I have the gift of prophecy and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and though I have all faith so that I could remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. Love is the motivator for all of these actions. If we don't have love that motivates, then something else. Maybe it's vanity. Maybe a person wants to be one of these know-it-alls spiritually and this knowledge of Scripture. And why? Because they want to be praised. Well, that's not the right attitude. It says, And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, in other words, to become a martyr, but have not love, it profits me nothing. In other words, people are motivated by many things. But it says you have to have that attitude, which is humble, is innocent before God, and that is outwardly projected for the welfare of others. If you do that for them, not for ourselves. And we should pray every day. Help us, Father, to see ourselves as little in our own eyes and to do everything for Your glory and not ours. Because it's so easy to become vain and cocky. We've seen them in the church. People that spoke and had eloquence and great knowledge, but they got tripped up, because inside that true love wasn't working as well. So it goes on to say, Love suffers long and is kind. Love does not envy. Love does not parade itself, is not puffed up, does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil, does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in truth. Bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails. If we have that attitude toward God, we do it for His glory. We do it for the service of others, not for ourselves. It says, Love never fails, but whether they are prophecies, they will fail. In other words, they'll be fulfilled one day. They won't be important. Whether they're tongues, people can speak different languages spiritually. They will cease. Whether there is knowledge, it will vanish away.

So that's the attitude of reconciliation. I'll tell you, it's such a wonderful thing to hear when a brother has been able to overcome being offended by others and reconcile and practicing Matthew 18 to keep it at the lowest level so that we don't cause division, cause reputations to be damaged. So with that, I'll just mention the following. We've gone over the steps to reconcile when offense takes place. Let's apply these principles and restore the unity among us all as it is needed.