Communication Pitfalls

This is a Bible study that is related to the last two sermons that I've given. But it's on communication and our words, the words that we use. The Bible has a lot to say about relationships, including on how we communicate, how we listen to others, and what we say or don't say that can build or destroy our connections. God tells us how to avoid many common pitfalls that can damage relationships. So what I want to do today is talk about communication pitfalls. Before we jump into it, let's set the context. Why are we talking about this? Why is this important? Proverbs 18, verse 21. I got a lot of these notes from a great online resource, which I encourage you to use. It's from the United Church of God. It's for the general public, but it's really good. It's called FreeBibleStudyGuides.org. FreeBibleStudyGuides.org. Great lesson plans in there. So how important does God consider the subject communication? The words that we say. Proverbs 18, verse 21. Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruit. Death and life. That is, we're talking about a life and death situation, the words that we say. In Matthew 12, verse 34, Jesus put it this way. Matthew 12, verse 34-37.

But I say to you that for every idle word that men speak, they will give an account in the day of judgment. For by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned.

And in James 5, Jesus, Brother James, follows up on that very important topic. James 3, verse 5, James 3, verse 5-8.

And it sets the fire to the course of nature, and is set on fire by hell or by the grave. For every kind of beast and bird and reptile and creature of the sea is tamed, and has been tamed by mankind, but no man can tame the tongue. It's an unruly evil full of deadly poison. You know, I have seen shows where they have literally trained grizzly bears to stand up and grab a man and pretend like he's mauling him. And you know, you watch these movies, these cinema movies where a grizzly bear mauls a man, and it's really a grizzly bear on the guy. But the grizzly bear is not hurting him. And then if you watch the behind the scenes clips, you'll see there's another guy standing there going, okay, get off of him. The bear's like, oh. And he gets up and gives the guy a hug, rolls over on his back and gets his belly scratched. We're talking about a grizzly bear. And I've seen shows where, you know, Shark Week on the Discovery Channel, where they've tamed great white sharks. I mean, not literally tame them, but they will catch them and they will bring them up to a large boat with this platform. Huge great white sharks. And they will raise them up out of the water and they will probe them and they'll measure them from nose to the tail, tip of their tail. And they'll stick all kinds of little sensors in them. And then the whole time they've got this hose in the shark's mouth running water over his gills. And they're counting the time and then they drop the platform down back in the water and they try to wake the shark back up. Now these guys are in the water with the shark. And they're going, come on, Sharky! You can do it! Wake up! Come on, buddy! And then he finally wakes up and he swims off the platform and they're all cheering. Yay! And I'm thinking to myself, that's a great white shark! He literally bites you in half. Just to take a taste. And we contain the wildest, the greatest of beasts. We cannot tame our own tongue. And that's the point that James is making here. So if we speak without thinking, we often display the fruits of our thinking without God. And since God is judging us on every idle word, we need to give this topic some careful attention. So this goes right along with being a peacemaker and dealing with difficult people. So I thought I would combine that with today's sermon. So I want to cover seven communication pitfalls. Seven of them. I don't know that we'll get through all seven. But I may just list scriptures for you and you can look them up later, in some cases. So here are the seven before we get into it. I want to talk about how to avoid misunderstanding each other. There is a key to that from the Bible. How to avoid misunderstanding each other. Secondly, I want to show how to avoid saying the wrong thing. This is a simple one. You're going to get that one right off the bat. Have you ever put your foot in your mouth? Well, there's a biblical principle to help you not put your foot in your mouth. It's amazing! Three, avoid swearing and taking God's name in vain. Four, avoid disrespectful, foul, or abusive talk. Five, avoid lying and value the truth. Four is avoid disrespectful, foul, or abusive talk. Five is avoid lying and value the truth. Six is avoid gossip, which is the fuel for the fight. And seven, avoid getting offended. How to deal with people who speak to you badly. Okay. First of all, how to avoid misunderstandings. Simple. Listen. Can not listening be a communication pitfall? Absolutely. Proverbs chapter 18. Let's read Proverbs chapter 18 verses 2 and 13. A fool has no delight in understanding. How do you understand the other person? Well, if you're a fool, you don't even care.

But in expressing his own heart, oh, you just wait for people to stop talking so that you can start. That's foolishness. He who answers a matter before he hears it, it is folly and shame to him. How do you avoid misunderstanding people? By listening. There's a book by Stephen R. Covey. He relates to the stories, The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. Habit number five is seek first to understand, then be understood. In the book, oh, I just said that. Okay, so I'm going to quote from that book. Quote. This is Stephen Covey from Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. Quote. A father once told me, I can't understand my kid. He just won't listen to me at all. Let me restate what you just said. I replied. You don't understand your son because he won't listen to you. That's right. He replied. Let me try again. I said. You don't understand your son because he won't listen to you. That's what I said. He impatiently replied. Well, I thought that to understand another person, you needed to listen to him. I suggested. Oh, he said. And then there was a long pause. Oh, he said again. As the light began to dawn. Oh, yeah. But I do understand him. I know what he's going through. I went through the same thing myself. I guess what I don't understand is why he won't listen to me. This man didn't have the vaguest idea what was really going on inside his boy's head. He looked into his own head and thought he saw the world, including his boy.

End quote.

I used to be a salesman. And I used to do large corporate sales. And so we're talking multi-million dollar contracts. I used to go to the boardrooms, make the presentations, listen to the requests of the company, fill those needs, get a contract signed. That was my job.

And we, of course, had a lot of sales training. They would put high, high dollar sales trainers into training us what to say and what not to say and all of that thing. And the biggest thing I ever got out of that sales training was the golden rule of silence. The golden rule of silence. And it goes like this. After somebody, your potential client, or in our case, the person we're talking to, after they're done talking, count in your head five seconds before saying anything. So they're talking, talking, talking, talking, and then they stop. And in your head, you go, one thousand one, one thousand two, one thousand three, one thousand four, one thousand five. That's what we call a pregnant pause. It's really waiting a long time and it's actually an awkward silence. And there's a relationship key in that awkward silence. Because usually, people don't say exactly what they mean the first time around. And if you wait in opening your mouth, give them five seconds, which is almost an eternity to the brain.

They will actually rephrase what they meant and say it more correctly the next time. If you talk as soon as they shut up, you will miss their point. And for sales, you would miss the sale. Because they will usually give you the key that you need to make the sale when they talk the second time. The first time, they're trying to gather their thoughts and communicate it all at once.

And then they think to themselves, well that's not really what I meant. And they wait and they think, well here's what I meant, and then they come out with it. And if you just count in your head, 1001, 1002, 1003, 1004, 1005, they have time to regroup their thoughts and say what they mean. We can avoid so many fights and arguments among ourselves. If we would just use the golden rule of silence. If we would just put those Proverbs, Proverbs chapter 18 verses 2 and verse 13 into practice. And shut up long enough for the person to actually make their point. Listen and you will gain understanding. How do you avoid misunderstanding people? By listening. And that's what we don't do by nature, is listen. So, if it's that simple to avoid misunderstanding, and it really is, do this the next time you're in a heated debate with somebody. When they're done talking, count to five.

And let them gather their thoughts and say something else. And watch how quickly the fight stops. Literally, count to five. And let them talk. And when they're done talking the second time, count to five. And do not say anything, even though you know how to win the argument. Don't say anything until they're done talking.

Argument over. Just like that. Easier said than done. How do you avoid misunderstandings? Listen. Okay, how do you avoid saying the wrong thing? How do you avoid sticking your foot in your mouth? Now, we've all done it. I do it all the time. How do you avoid it? It's simple. Proverbs 10, verse 19.

Proverbs 10, verse 19. In the multitude of words, sin is not lacking. Transgression is not lacking. But he who restrains his lips is wise. How do you avoid saying the wrong thing? The same way you avoid misunderstanding. Shush!

Don't say so much.

My dad used to tell me, Rod, God gave you two ears and one mouth for a reason. Because God's good at math. And he wants you to listen twice as much as you talk. Proverbs 21, verse 23. I'll read this from the New Living Translation. Proverbs 21, verse 23. If you keep your mouth shut, you will stay out of trouble. How do you avoid saying the wrong thing? You're not saying anything. Easier said than done for some of us. Keeping your mouth shut is a sure way of not saying anything bad. But you can't go through life without communicating. Proverbs 10, verse 19. It says the multitude of words is what generally causes problems. Point number one and point number two are solved by the same thing. Avoiding misunderstanding and avoiding saying the wrong thing happen when you listen versus talking so much. What about swearing? You know, swearing is a big topic. A lot of people think it means saying cuss words. You know, there's a lot more involved in swearing than just saying cuss words. It also involves taking an oath. It involves taking God's name in vain, which also involves your actions, not just your words. But today we're just talking about our words. And in Exodus 20, verse 7, it gives us the rule, the principle to follow. Exodus 20, verse 7. New Living Translation again. Do not misuse the name of the Lord your God. In other words, do not take the name of the Lord your God in vain. The Lord will not let you go unpunished if you misuse His name. So, Jesus Christ follows up on that and expands that in Matthew 5. Again, it's hard to talk about human relationships without going to the Sermon on the Mount. Matthew 5, verse 33.

Again, you have heard that as said of old, you shall not swear falsely. In other words, bear false witness. But shall perform an oath to the Lord. But I say to you, do not swear at all. Neither by heaven, for it is God's throne, nor by earth, for it is His footstool. Nor by Jerusalem, for it is the city of the great King. Nor shall you swear by your head, for you cannot make one hair white or black.

But let your yes be yes, and your no be no, for whatever is more than these is from the evil one.

So, I don't want to spend a lot of time on this. We know that. It's just basic stuff. But don't take God's name in vain. And one way to take God's name in vain is to be boastful.

You know, just let your yes be yes, and your no be no. Be plain spoken. Be honest and blunt and plain spoken.

I'm not saying that there's not a place for tact. I'm not saying be abusive. In fact, our next point is about not being abusive. Don't be abusive. But also, don't be boastful and braggy.

Oh, I swear. Oh. We use expletives. We take God's name in vain. What do all of those things do? Well, we think they build us up. Really, they're tearing us down. Honor the name of God.

Point number four. Disrespectful, foul, or abusive speech. Avoid it. Why?

Well, because God said so, first of all. That ought to be enough. There's always a reason why God says something. But let's establish the law in Exodus 22, verse 28. Did you know that it is a law of God to not be abusive with your mouth? Oh, well, I just lost my temper. It was no big deal. I mean, it's not like I broke God's law. Actually, you did. Actually, there's a law about losing your temper.

Exodus, chapter 22, verse 28.

Wow, really? I can't even talk bad about my boss? About the president? The president? Do you know the president? That's right. You cannot.

Listen to 2 Peter, 2 Peter, chapter 2, verses 10 through 12.

Listen to what Peter, how Peter describes foul language, disrespectful talk, abusive talk. 2 Peter, chapter 2, verse 10 through 12. And especially those who walk according to the flesh in their lusts of uncleanness and despise authority.

Okay, listen to how these people are. And if you're like this, then you're not walking according to the Spirit of God, but according to your own flesh, your own desires, your own uncleanness.

They are presumptuous in self-will. Gonna do it my way.

They are not afraid to speak evil of dignitaries. Ooh. You mean if we mouth off about the POTUS that we're living according to the flesh and not according to the Spirit of God? Yup.

Even if he's evil, do you remember King Saul and King David? David was anointed to be the next king. Jonathan Saul's son was not to be king. So what did Saul try to do? He chased David all over the country trying to kill him. And David had two opportunities, not one, but two opportunities to kill King Saul.

He wouldn't even let his men touch him or speak evil of King Saul. And Saul was trying to kill him! And at the end, when Saul died, a man came and reported to King David that he slayed Saul. And he didn't. He was lying just to get promotion. Like, I defeated your enemy and now you're the king! David had him executed immediately. How dare you raise your hand to God's anointed? Because David saw the authority of God and the authority of people, even when they're evil! So when we speak against the president, are we living according to God's spirit? No! We're acting very carnally, reading on in 2 Peter. They're not afraid to speak evil against dignitaries, whereas angels who are greater in power and might do not bring a reviling accusation against them before the Lord. But like natural, brute beasts made to be caught and destroyed, they speak evil of things they do not understand. And they will utterly perish in their own corruption. So Peter here is equating speaking evil to other people with permanent condemnation, not being in the kingdom of God. If we speak evil with our mouth, we are not of God. We need to repent and get back with God and stir up the Holy Spirit again, because we are literally in danger of utterly perishing in our own corruption. Ephesians 4, verse 29. Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but what is good and necessary for edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers. You know that word corrupt, according to Thayer's definition, means rotten or putrid, no longer fit for use or worn out. In other words, filthy language, not fit for the human tongue. Let no filthy language come out of your mouth. But only what's necessary, that word edification, means to build up. For what end to what end? The word grace means that which affords joy, pleasure, delight, sweetness, charm, loveliness, or grace of speech. It also means goodwill or loving kindness or favor. In other words, what the Apostle Paul is saying here is, Hey! You're not impressing anyone by cursing up a blue streak. I remember one time, did I tell you this? When I was a teenager, I thought I would impress a girl by cursing up a blue streak. I was saying every foul thing a sailor would think to say. Thinking, what an idiot! That doesn't impress girls at all. I didn't know any better. What I didn't know was I was right below the window that was open that my mom was listening. Oh yeah, you can imagine what happened there. Let no corrupt speech... In the same line of thought, we're going to stay in Ephesians, but let's move to the next chapter, chapter 5 and verse 4. Neither filthiness...we're cutting into the thought here.

Neither filthiness, in other words, foul language, nor foolish talking, all right? Nor coarse jesting, being rough with each other. Oh, I'm just kidding. Hey, knock it off. If you have to say, I'm just kidding, don't say it. Which is not fitting, but rather give thanks. Be thankful to God for what you have. Our words should be respectful and uplifting, whether we're talking about God or anybody else. So, rule number four is avoid foul language. Pitfall number five. Avoid the lie. Now, for time's sake, we're doing pretty good on time, but you know what? I'm just going to list some scriptures off for you to read. Exodus 20, verse 16, jot it down, that's the rule. That's the law of God and the Ten Commandments. Exodus 20, verse 16, about not bearing false witness. Then Proverbs 6, verses 16 and 17, talk about the things that God hates.

And a lying tongue is one of them. Ephesians 4, verse 25, we were just there, but in Ephesians 4, verse 25, it talks about putting lying away and not doing anything but speaking the truth to your neighbor. And then let's turn to Revelation 21, verse 27. How big of a deal is a lie to God? You know, in our society, it's just not that big of a deal. We expect our politicians to lie. We expect salespeople to lie to us. We're very skeptical.

And we almost get callous to the lie, to where it's no big deal if we lie. And you know what it is? There's no such thing as a little lie. Replace lying with tact. Nothing wrong with tact. Putting the truth tactfully, that's okay. Saying the opposite of the truth, not okay. Revelation 21, verse 27. How big a deal is it to God? But there shall by no means enter anything that defiles or causes an abomination or a lie, but only those that are written in the Lamb's Book of Life.

So combined with things that defile and are an abomination... You know what abomination means? Abomination means, makes me want to throw up. The things that make God sick. Among them, the lie. God is a God of truth. Deuteronomy 32, verse 4. Lying is the antithesis of His honest and holy nature. But you know what? In our modern world, we justify the white lie.

God will not allow us into the kingdom. I would love to just have a long discussion about that in and of itself. Just a background. There are so many little things that we lie about to each other all the time. That we need to learn to be more skillful in our speech. But we will benefit other people if we're more honest with them. Do you like this?

Is this good? You're thinking to yourself, it's terrible, but I can't say it's good. I can't say it's bad. So I'll say, yeah, it's good. That's a lie. When you could actually be much more helpful to the person. By tactfully saying what you like about it and what you don't like about it. And then end with what you like about it. It's called building a sandwich. You start with some soft fluffy bread. Then you put the meat in. Then you end with some soft fluffy bread.

Right? Build a sandwich. Be tactful. Tell the truth. Yeah. I think people deserve to eat that crow. Like, that's the best I've ever had and they hated it. And then the next time a person cooks for them, I made your favorite. That's the worst. So, so, so. So, so. It's true. That's why I don't like Mike.

Okay. But there's something similar to a lie and I want to wrap this up. Let's go to number six. And it's really even more damaging that lie. And that's gossip. Gossip is the fuel for the fight. Leviticus chapter 19 and verse 16. Leviticus chapter 19 and 16. You shall not go about as a tale-bearer among your people. Nor shall you stand against the life of your neighbor. I am the Lord.

It's against God's law to gossip. Now, what's the difference between gossip and just having a discussion about other people? Is it okay to talk about other people when they're not there? Or are you breaking the law of God? So, it's an open question. Please feel free to answer. Thank you for not being disrespectful. And you could have a conversation about somebody. Yeah. Okay. I agree. I didn't know what your goal is, right?

Your goal is. Very much so. Yeah. So, if you're trying to build them up, take care of them, we need to talk about this. We need to help this person. Even if you're talking about a problem that they would be a comfortable hearing. Is that gossip? It is not. Gossip is tearing people down. I can't stand that so-and-so. They're such a show-off. They're such this. They're that. And you're trying to get the person you're talking to to dislike the person you're talking about.

You are tearing them down and you are breaking the law of God. Oh, but it's the truth people hide behind. You are breaking the law of God. And there's so much written about it in the Bible. Proverbs 16, verses 27 and 28. You know, there's a lot of value in just letting things go. There's enough evil in your own little world for you to deal with, for you to dig up dirt on other people. Proverbs 16, verses 27. An ungodly man digs up evil and it's on his lips like a burning fire. A perverse man sows strife and a whisperer separates the best of friends.

Constantly digging up evil. Hey, did you hear? Did you hear what so-and-so did? Oh, did you see her? Did you see what she was wearing? Tearing down, tearing down, tearing down. Don't like her, like me. Tear them down and build me up. God says that is an ungodly thing. But there's more, Proverbs chapter 26 and verse 20. Proverbs 26, 20. Again, New Living Translation. A fire goes out for lack of fuel.

You know, if you want to stoke the fire at night, you want to keep it burning all night, you have to keep enough fuel on that fire. If you don't put enough fuel on that fire, you're going to be pretty chilly in the morning because a fire only burns with fuel. That's the point. A fire goes out for lack of fuel and quarrels disappear when gossip stops. Gossip is the fuel for the fight.

A quarrelsome person starts fights as easily as hot embers like charcoal or fire like wood. What dainty morsels' rumors are, but they sink in deep into one's heart. Here's the problem with gossip. You can never get it out of your head. That's the problem with it. Human beings are not strong enough that if we accept something is true, even when we learn later that it wasn't true, we always have to fight that thought whenever we see that person. It's like this tasty little morsel we want to eat, but we never get it out. Gossip can seem delicious, but it is deadly at its best. Gossip and rumors spread like wildfire and are just as destructive. The combination of lying and gossip, what does the Bible say about it? Proverbs 6 and verse 19. A false witness who speaks lies and one who sows discord among the brethren are the things that God hates. Proverbs 18 and verse 19. A brother offended is harder to win than a strong city. You can't take it back, so don't open your mouth to begin with.

Just try to see if I need to take time on it. And I don't. I think that's enough said about gossip. So, point number seven. And I think this is really interesting. It's also from Solomon, who wrote the Proverbs, who was very wise. Do you know why Solomon was so wise? Well, because God gave him wisdom. He came directly from God. But that wisdom had exercised every day.

Do you know what Solomon's job was? His daily job? Okay. So he was the king, and he was the chief executive officer. He was the commander-in-chief of the army. The thing is, Solomon didn't fight any wars. God gave Israel peace because of David. Solomon had no wars to fight. So Solomon pretty much had one job every day. What was that job? He was the chief judge.

He was like the Supreme Court. When matters couldn't be solved locally, they would go to the regional magistrate. When the regionals couldn't solve it, they would send it up to the national guys. When the national guys... This is such a tough case that the national guys couldn't solve it, it went before Solomon himself. Remember the two women that claimed that one baby? And Solomon was wise and said, Okay, well, we'll just cut the baby in half and give him to both of you.

And one lady said, Okay, that's fair. And the other lady said, No, no, no! It's not my baby! Give it to her! He said, Ah, that's the mother! The one who cares for the baby! Right? That was Solomon's job. So he had to try all the tough cases. The really tough murder cases. The really tough divorce cases. Everything that somebody else couldn't solve had to go to Solomon. He had to use God's wisdom every day. That was his job. And he heard all of the nasty side of human nature every single day. So he wrote the book of Ecclesiastes. How do you deal with other people when they say offensive things to you or about you?

When they gossip about you, when they lie, and talk about you behind your back? How do you deal with that? Well, the wisest man on the earth gave us the way out. Ecclesiastes 7, verse 21. I love this. This passage has helped me so many times. Because people talk about each other constantly. And it doesn't matter who you are or what your position is, people are going to talk about you. And Solomon says in verse 21 of Ecclesiastes 7, Also, do not take to heart everything people say. Oh, is that good advice! Don't internalize it. Don't believe it. Don't even hold it against them.

Don't take it to heart. Lest you hear your servant cursing you, of course they're going to curse you. They're human and you're the boss. If you're in charge of anything, someone's going to badmouth you. Why don't you take it to heart? Well, let's read on. For many times also your own heart has known that even you have cursed others. Oops. Oh, yeah, you're right. You know what, Solomon? That's a really good point. I think I'll keep my mouth shut and not let my feelings get so hurt. When people talk bad about you, you know what, don't condemn them, don't hate them.

You don't even need retribution. You've done it too. I've done it too. I just had to deal with that not too long ago. People bad mouthing you, causing waves in the congregation, constantly nattering about something. I counted 12 different rumors from one source, so I had to sit down with them.

But you know what, as I was sitting with them, I wasn't even... I mean, I wasn't even worried about it. I just wanted it to stop. Because I've done it too! I've caused waves. I've made trouble for people. I've opened my mouth. It's like that song. I know you're lying because your lips are moving.

You know, when people say bad things about you, don't take it to heart. They're just people. Everybody does it. In fact, you do it too. You're going to be okay. They're not going to destroy your life. So don't take it to heart. When gossip or offensive words are directed at us, we can struggle to avoid the hatred and the bitterness and desire for revenge, but as much as possible, we should just ignore it. Sometimes you can't ignore it.

Sometimes you have to deal with it. Even as you're dealing with it, have the other person's best interests at heart. Don't be offended by it. They just goofed. We'll never have any relationship with any other human being if we let that get in between us. Because everybody does that at one time or another. We just do. Let it go. So there are seven communication pitfalls. How do you avoid misunderstanding other people? Remember the golden rule of silence.

And listen. Don't be so ready to talk. Don't wait for them to shut up just so that you can make your point. But try to get their point. How do you avoid saying the wrong thing, putting your foot in your mouth? Shutting up. Use as few words as possible. Avoid swearing and taking God's name in vain. Avoid disrespectful and foul abusive talk. You know, those are actually salvation issues. They're not small things. Avoid lying. Value the truth like God does.

And avoid gossip. Because gossip is the fuel for the fight. If there is a fight, look for the gossip. Because where there's no gossip, the fight stops. And you know when it happens to you, don't get offended. Deal with people as mercifully as you ask God to have mercy on yourself. And if we use those seven keys of communication, our conversation with people will be so much more happy.