Four Vital Keys to Godly Relationships

I'm sure that the singles that we have with us this weekend are excited about the opportunity to strengthen relationships with those they already know, those they have met in the past, and also to develop relationships with those they have never met. They came here, most of them anyway, around noon, I believe yesterday, or many of them arrived around noon yesterday, and they were in Muskogee for most of the day. They went to a museum, went to see a submarine, and I know they're getting to know each other, they're developing relationships with each other.

You know, God obviously wants us to have godly relationships with one another. Whether we're married or not, we need to have godly relationships with everyone, especially those in God's church, but frankly with everyone, at least from our standpoint, from our point of view, from where we're coming from, we might ask the question, what is a godly relationship? Simply it is a relationship with another person that is firmly based and founded on godly ways, a relationship where godly principles are applied as the rule of thumb.

They're part of the course. Godly principles are the standard for such a relationship. We should do our part to make sure that all of our relationships are godly relationships. In this sermon today, we'll discuss four vital principles or keys to godly relationships, four vital keys to true success in our relationships with each other. First of all, we really need to put God first in all of our relationships with others, especially in our closest relationships, but we need to put God first always.

We understand that. We talk about that a lot, but I say we really need to do this. How does one put God first in his or her relationships? Well, we put God first by always maintaining a closer relationship with him than anyone or anything else. God needs to be number one in our lives. We know that we are told to seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness. We know that there will be blessings for that. In Luke chapter 14, Jesus Christ has something very profound to say to us today. Luke chapter 14, verse 20... Let's look at verse 25, first of all.

Luke 14 verse 25, Now great multitudes went with him with Christ, and he turned and said to them, If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother... Now this is a horrible translation. It's the Greek word, miseo. It actually means to love less by comparison. He's talking about being his disciple, and he's saying that we really do need to put him first in our lives. That we do need to love him more than anyone. If anyone comes to me and does not love less by comparison, his father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters, yes, and his own life also, he cannot be my disciple.

And whoever does not bear his cross and come after me cannot be my disciple. Then he goes on to talk about the importance of counting the cost of being Christ's disciple and having a relationship with him. We need to count the cost. He says in verse 33, Whoever of you does not forsake all that he has cannot be my disciple.

How committed are you to your Savior Jesus Christ and to God the Father? They are one. They think the same. They are one, just as a husband and wife are to be one in a relationship and are to grow closer and closer together in a relationship. Together, the Father and Son are truly one.

And we are to love and worship them both. We are to put them first in our lives. We are to have nothing before them. And that is obviously the basis for any godly relationship with another person, is to have God first in our lives. The minister in the United Church of God, Brian Shaw, recently wrote an article in the United News regarding the critical essence of the Gospel. He wrote, What may well be the most critical aspect of the Gospel message is God's call to truly know Him, to truly know Him, His invitation to enter into a direct relationship with Him through His Word, as this is the objective of the new covenant, to write God's laws in our hearts and in our minds.

And it is the basis of eternal life in the God family. Knowing God is at the very core of our critical essence as a church, as a people. We are to know God. We are to put Him first in our lives. We are to become like Him, and we can't become like Him unless we've learned to know Him, and we have a relationship with Him.

Though God assigns... I'm just going to read one more paragraph from this article. Though God assigns teachers, guides, and pastors for His church, each member is personally accountable for sustaining and growing in their own relationship directly with God. His Spirit equips them to direct their own learning and development. God's Spirit equips you to have a relationship with God the Father and with Jesus Christ to the power of God's Spirit. So we do need to be stirring up the power of God's Spirit in our lives.

We need to put that relationship first and foremost in our lives. We need to dedicate ourselves more fully to God and to Jesus Christ, our Savior. Now, we all know that the Apostle Paul was single, at least when he was writing the Scriptures. He used it as an opportunity to serve God more fully. When a single person applies himself or herself and serves God faithfully, it is a very honorable relationship for a single person to have. I'm sure you understand that and realize that. We all should know that.

At the same time, not everyone is suited to be like the Apostle Paul. Most of us choose to get married, and we learn a great deal about ourselves and others through marriage. But whether married or single, our relationships with others are to be godly ones, first and foremost. Putting God first in your relationship means to apply godly principles in all your dealings with others. It means to keep all of God's commandments, not just in the letter but in the Spirit, to understand what our Savior said about keeping the Spirit of the law.

It means to keep all of God's commandments and to live by every word of God. So we have to be students of the Bible. All of us need to be students of the Bible. We need to know the Bible very well. A man who is putting God first, for example, would not try to persuade a woman to behave in ungodly, inappropriate ways. A man who's putting God first wouldn't behave that way.

A woman who is putting God first would not give in to the seduction of a man who is obviously not putting God first in their relationship. That's the way we're supposed to live. Sometimes it isn't easy when two people love each other, they're not married, they love each other, and it's hard to keep their hands off of each other.

But when we put God first, we're able to do that. Song of Solomon says three different times, do not stir up or awaken love until it pleases. The sexual relationship between one man and one woman is to be within marriage.

That's when it really pleases. In Hebrews 13, God gives us some instruction regarding a marital relationship and those who are not in a marital relationship. Hebrews 13. Let's go to Hebrews 13. Verse 4. The writer of Hebrews, very likely Paul, but I don't know that we can say that for sure, but in verse 4, the writer says, marriage is honorable among all and the bed undefiled, but fornicators and adulterers, God will judge. This is what the Scripture says. This is the way we are to live our lives. The married bed is undefiled, but the unmarried bed, if there are things going on there that shouldn't, then that is not pleasing to God, and we should not awaken love until it pleases. God gives us a strong warning in the Song of Solomon regarding that, and also here in Hebrews 13, as well as other places in the Bible. Men and women who are putting God first would not, for example, gossip about others. That's not the way they would conduct themselves. They would not accuse one another. They would live within a godly relationship, keeping the principles of God. So the first point, the first key, is to really put God first in all of your relationships with others. Put God first. Whether you're married or whether you're single, you need to put God first in all of your relationships. A second key is to treat everyone with genuine godly love, agape love, and respect. With godly love and respect. Treat everyone with godly love and respect. Certainly there's no room to make fun of one another. At our preaching camps, we tell the children that we have a no-knock rule, as well as the teen camps.

We don't try to tear down other people at camps. We try to build people up. We try to edify one another. We try to get that across to the little children, to the teenagers. God is love, and we should reflect His character in our relationships with others. We are to become love, which means that we are to become more loving in the way that we treat others. We all have an opportunity to treat others. How we treat them is very important. God looks at the way we treat others. God notices how we treat others. So it's very, very important that we treat others with love and respect, putting God first in our lives. Respecting one another is a way that we do show love toward each other, respecting one another, taking into account another person's feelings, another person's needs, another person's desires. We are all made in the image of God, and we deserve one another's respect.

We all deserve one another's respect. We are all made in the image of God. In showing proper love and respect, we must realize that God made men and women differently. I think we probably know that.

No doubt many of you have heard of the bestselling book written by Dr. John Gray. It was published in 1992. It's entitled, Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus. How many of you have read this book?

Okay, there's a number who have, and quite a few who haven't. He's also written another book, Mars and Venus in Love. Mars and Venus in Love.

In Dr. Gray's first book, he profoundly points out that the very real differences in the way men and women tend to communicate, that there are very real differences in the way men and women tend to communicate and how they relate with one another. One of the major premises of the book is that if a husband and wife clearly understand the way they each generally think and act, they're going to be able to learn to get along much better. As a result, their marriage will be strengthened.

Now, I wish I had read this book and applied all of these principles when I got married back in 1978.

I'm sure it would have helped. It would have helped our relationship. My wife and I have been married almost 33 years now. In October, it will be 33 years. And we've had a very wonderful marriage.

And I believe it is because we've put God first in our lives, throughout our lives.

I met her at Ambassador College, and we've just had a wonderful marriage. But I know in the early days, there were times when, had I understood what this book talks about, I would have treated her with more respect, with more love, with more consideration. There was a time when she thought I lectured her too much. Have any of you women ever been there, or your husband lectured you?

Probably you have. I mean, I tried not to lecture her. I really did. And I really didn't think I lectured her all that much. But she thought I did, so I guess I must have. So we're going to talk about some of these principles, some of these differences in men and women for a while in the second point. We're going to spend more time on the second point than we will on the third and the fourth point. I do plan to quit on time, so don't get worried. You'll be able to eat lunch. I'll get you out of here before 12.45 anyway. So there are real differences between men and women and how they think, and it is important to understand that. Now, the same is true with a relationship, obviously, before a man and woman are married. While you're dating men, this can really help you, so pay attention. Before you're actually married, there are certain things that you should know about how women think because it will help you in relating to them. It will help your relationship, and women, there are things about men that you really should understand, too, because it will help you in relating to them as well. Clearly, God is the creator of man and woman. He is the author of marriage. God created man and woman differently. We are alike in many ways, but we are obviously different. Thankfully, we are different. How boring would it be to just have all men or all women?

I think it would be a boring world with just all men or all women. I think there are lots of sparks that fly around because of the differences between men and women, the attractions between men and women. So I'm very grateful that God designed it this way. I think, to me, God is so amazing because a marital relationship is truly just a tremendous delight. When you love somebody and they love you, and you care for each other, and you spend many, many hours together, years together, it doesn't get any better than that, in my opinion. Now, I know some people have said, skiing is better. I don't agree. I've skied before. I like being married. I think marriage is a wonderful thing. Again, if a person chooses not to marry and they devote themselves to God, that's also a wonderful thing. And in God's eyes, maybe even greater. If a person really fulfills that and is the right example and has that kind of relationship with God. But the differences between men and women are wonderful differences in many respects, and we should appreciate that.

God wants us to learn lessons by dealing with the differences that we have with each other.

We know that the physical relationship of marriage is a very important one in God's sight.

It's so important that God compares a marriage between a man and a woman with the marriage of the church to Jesus Christ. Let's go to Ephesians 5. I know you've heard this many times, but I really don't think we can read it too often. To me, these are very powerful words, and we need to really live by them. In Ephesians 5, actually, I want to go back just a couple of verses, because it talks about how we all need to walk in wisdom and how we need to all be circumspect, how we need to redeem the time. We need to use our time wisely and effectively. In verse 19, it talks about speaking to one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody in your heart to the Lord. This is a good thing. Giving thanks always for all things to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, submitting to one another in the fear of God.

Clearly, the Scripture says that we are to submit to one another, men to women and women to men. There are times when men need to submit to women, and that's when they're right.

When the women are right, men, we just need to learn to submit. And sometimes we don't.

That's not a good thing. But when the women are right, then we men need to submit to them.

Unfortunately, sometimes women need to submit to men even when they're wrong.

It depends on what they're wrong about, obviously. We have to obey God rather than men.

We understand that that's our guiding principle to obey God first.

But we are to submit one to another in the fear of God. Again, it shows that we are putting God first in our relationships. Verse 22, wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church.

And he, Christ, is the Savior of the body. Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands and everything.

Husbands love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave himself for her.

Now, if husbands truly fulfill that command and love their wives, as Christ loved the church, it will be very easy for women to submit to men like that.

As Christ also loved the church and gave himself for her, verse 26, that he might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word. So we are to live by every word of God. This is an instruction manual. It tells us how to live. And when we don't live by it, we pay the consequences. When we do live by it, then we reap tremendous blessings.

It is an instruction manual that God wants us to follow.

Verse 27, that he might present her to himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish. Now, it is God's desire that his church become holy and without blemish.

I think we all realize that we're not there yet. We fall short of applying these godly principles in our relationships with one another. We have some growing to do as a church, as the body of Christ. We are to become without spot or wrinkle or any such thing. We should be holy and without blemish. That is our goal as a people. But how often have we fallen short in our relationships with one another? How often have we treated one another in an ungodly way, in an ungodly manner? Verse 28, So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies.

He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church. For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones. For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother, and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church. Nevertheless, let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband. So God has given us instruction as a church and as a people, and we are to apply these principles in our relationships one with another. According to John Gray, Dr. Gray, in this particular book, the biggest mistake a man makes in relating to a woman is that he tries to change a woman's feelings when she is upset by becoming Mr. Fix-it. He wants to fix everything, so he offers solutions to her problems that end up invalidating her feelings. She's really not looking for a lecture, men, on how to fix everything.

You may think you have the ideal solution, but she may not be ready for the ideal solution. She may just want to know that you love her and that you are willing to listen to her, and that you won't interrupt her with your wonderful ideas on how to fix her problems. A man's sense of self, on the other hand, Gray says, is defined through his ability to achieve results, to fix things. So women, you should expect him to be this way. That doesn't mean he should be this way, but you should expect him to be that way, in some regards. Then, on the other hand, you should expect him to rise above that. And then we should rise above that and consider our mates' feelings if we're married, our girlfriend's feelings if we're not married, or just our friends' feelings. A woman's sense, according to Gray, a woman's sense of self is defined through her feelings and the quality of her relationships. Now, of course, these are generalities. I think they do apply, for the most part, in general to men and women, but there are exceptions.

Certainly, there are exceptions. Not every woman is exactly the same. Not every man is exactly the same. So these are generalities. Gray says that many times a woman just wants to share her feelings about her day, and her husband, thinking he is helping, interrupts her by offering a steady flow of solutions to her problems. So men, when you start finding yourself doing that, resist temptation.

Resist temptation and just zip it. Let her talk. Let her express her feelings. And oftentimes, when she's done that, she's gotten it off her chest and she feels a lot better, and she's very positive now. And you haven't done a thing, but just listen. And it's incredible and miraculous how that works. But it really does work. I've seen it work. I blew it too many times early on, but I've learned a little bit since then. And I would say that I do a better job now than I did early on. Also, according to Dr. Gray, he says the biggest mistake a woman makes is when she tries to change a man's behavior when he makes mistakes by becoming the Home Improvement Committee.

And she offers unsolicited advice or criticism. So men really don't respond too well to the Home Improvement Committee. I'm afraid men's egos are too large to respond very well to that. I'm not saying that's a good thing.

I'm just saying it's probably smart to know that, women. So the biggest mistake a woman makes is when she tries to change a man's behavior when he makes mistakes by becoming the Home Improvement Committee and by offering unsolicited advice or criticism. To offer a man unsolicited advice is to presume that he doesn't know what to do or that he can't do it on his own.

And so we men pretty much think we're invincible. We think we can solve any problem, especially when we're young. We think this way. As we get older, we realize it's not the case, but there is a tendency to think that way as men. Frankly, we don't like advice.

Again, that's not a good thing. But the Scripture says that knowledge puffs up, but love edifies. So we need to yield to love in our relationships, not to knowledge. If we think we know so much, that's going to really be a hindrance in our relationships. If we tend to throw around how well-versed we are, how knowledgeable we are in all things, then actually that works oftentimes against us. Whereas love edifies. Generally speaking, when a woman offers unsolicited advice or tries to help a man, she has no idea of how critical and unloving she may sound to him. You know, I'm sure all women make that mistake at times.

They come across too critical. I suppose a mate's spouse is generally their worst critic.

They know them the best, and they tend to sometimes pick away at things. And sometimes they're too critical. Of course, we should learn to take advice and to take criticism. God doesn't want us to stay the same. He doesn't make excuses for us not changing.

Again, we are to have godly relationships. That means we are to apply all godly principles in our relationships. So learning to listen, that's a godly relationship. He who has ears to hear let him hear. That's what the Scripture says. You know, we need to learn to listen to one another.

There are many, many, many principles that we need to apply in our relationships with another.

In Proverbs 21, it does talk about something that I suppose every man knows this Scripture well. Proverbs 21 verse 9. Proverbs 21 verse 9, It's better to dwell in the corner of a housetop than in a house shared with a contentious woman.

I say men know that Scripture well. It's better to dwell in the corner of a housetop than in a house, a beautiful mansion shared with a contentious woman. Now, the same thing can be said about a man, too, couldn't it, women? Sure, it could. And we should realize that. Nobody likes contention. We don't like contention in our relationships. One of the fruits of God's Spirit is peace, and we are to be peacemakers. We are not to contend with one another. We are to learn to make peace with one another. Let's go back to Proverbs 21. Proverbs 21 verse 19, I think it's similar. Better to dwell in the wilderness than with a contentious and angry woman. Better to be out in the wilderness than with a contentious and angry woman. Now, this is what Solomon wrote down, and some people give him credit for being the wisest man who ever lived. The Scripture talks about that. But, you know, really, men don't like angry and contentious women. It's just a fact.

But neither do women like men who are full of vanity and pride and who are arrogant and selfish and self-absorbed. Works both ways, doesn't it? In 1 Peter chapter 4 verse 8, it talks about the fervent love that we need to develop one for another. 1 Peter chapter 4 verse 8.

1 Peter chapter 4 verse 8, And above all things have fervent love for one another, for love will cover a multitude of sins, a multitude of transgressions. Now, this can mean a number of things. Certainly, I believe it means that when we truly love someone, we can overlook some of their bad habits, some of their transgressions.

Not that we condone them, not that we're happy about those issues and problems, but when we love someone, it can cover a multitude of sins.

Verse 9 says, Be hospitable to one another without grumbling.

We have a tendency to grumble and complain. Stiff-necked Israelites were descended in many respects from them in many ways. These are things that we need to repent of.

We need to change. We need to be different.

According to Dr. Gray in his book, Men are from Mars and women are from Venus, and he says we need to understand that men cope with stress by tending to pull away and silently think about what is bothering them. Now, this is in general how men will respond to stress. They tend to pull away and silently think about what's bothering them. On the other hand, women will feel an instinctive need to talk about what's bothering them. As your husband ever said, I don't want to talk about it. Probably he has, because there are times when men just really don't want to talk about things. They like to get into their cave. As the book talks about, men oftentimes go into a cave when there's a lot of stress in their lives.

In the book, it says, martians go to their caves to solve problems alone. While the nutrients get together and openly talk about their problems. That's the tendency that a woman wants to talk about. My wife's that way. She just wants to talk about all these issues and things.

I sometimes have a tendency to not want to do that. So I have to fight that and try not to try not to be that way, but try to be willing to at least meet her halfway in our relationship.

To be willing to allow her to talk and to get things off her chest and to discuss things.

Actually, I might learn something. And I do learn things when I'm willing to do that.

When I'm willing to just listen and consider her, to look at her viewpoint.

Oftentimes, that does help with stress. It helps minimize the stress. But, man, we don't realize that our initial tendency is to get into the cave or to go watch TV, to watch a sporting event, that type of behavior. But that's not really always the best way to deal with these issues. Sometimes it's better to talk it out and to open up to our wives or to our girlfriends or our friends. In Ephesians 4, it gives some very good advice to us in this regard. Ephesians 4. Ephesians 4, verses 1 and 2. Ephesians 4, verse 1, I therefore the prisoner of the Lord beseech you to walk worthy of the calling with which you were called. I am beseeching you today as well to walk worthy of the calling in which you were called, with all lowliness and gentleness, with long suffering, with patience, bearing with one another in love, endeavoring to keep the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.

Now, that's a very powerful Scripture if we would apply it and live by it, if we would humble ourselves in lowliness and gentleness with true humility and with patience we could work out most problems. There are many problems within the Church of God that develop.

When we meet those head-on with humility and with patience and with love, we can solve our issues.

But when we fall short, then we have major problems. So we need to learn to walk worthy of the calling with which we were called.

And with lowliness and gentleness and with long suffering, we need to bear with one another in love, putting up with one another's idiosyncrasies. Not that we condone people's sins, because we don't condone people's sins. Sin is a transgression of the law, and we are against that. We are against the breaking of God's law. At the same time, we are human beings, and we all fall short of the glory of God. There isn't a single one of us here that's perfect.

None of us are Jesus Christ. We all fall short of the glory of God. So obviously, there's a balance in all of this, and we should be able to work our issues out when we have a godly balance.

It's to our shame when we don't do that, and it's to our shame in our relationships, one with another, when we don't do that. Because if we have true love, one for another, we can work out our problems and our issues. So this is, again, a very powerful instruction from the Apostle Paul regarding our relationships with one another. Let me go to page 34 and 35 of the book, Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. I'd like to read a little bit from this book about five common misunderstandings, and I'd like all of us to consider if we've ever seen this happen in our lives.

When a woman says, you don't listen, a man says, what do you mean, I don't listen?

I can tell you everything that you said. When a man is in the cave, he can record what she is saying, with the 5% of the mind that is listening. A man reasons that if he is listening with 5%, then he is listening. However, what she is asking for is his full undivided attention.

Sometimes you see a mother or a father grab a child by the face. If they're, you know, they're distracted and they want to get their attention, they grab them by the chin and talk directly to them. I'm sure that's how women sometimes feel about us men. They'd like to grab us by the chin and hold us there and make us listen. Because when we're only listening with 5% of our brain, that means 95% is going other places. And that's not really very healthy and effective in a relationship. When a woman says, I feel like you are not even here, a man says, what do you mean I'm not here? Of course I'm here. Don't you see my body? Can't you see I'm here?

He reasons that if his body is present, then she shouldn't say he's not there.

However, though his body is present, she does not feel his full presence. And that's what she means.

Man, that's what she means. Number three, when she says, you don't care about me, he says, of course I care about you. Why do you think I am trying to solve this problem?

He reasons that because he is preoccupied with solving a problem that will in some way benefit her, she should know he cares for her. However, she needs to feel his direct attention and caring and that is what she is really asking for. She just wants you to really listen and know that you're listening and know that you've heard her and maybe give her a big hug when she's done talking.

Number four, when she says, when she says, I feel like I am not important to you, he says, that's ridiculous. Of course you're important. That solves everything, doesn't it, women? When a man tells you that? He reasons that her feelings are invalid because he is solving problems to benefit her. He doesn't realize that when he focuses on one problem and ignores the problems that she is bothered by, that almost any woman would have the same reaction and take it personally and feel unimportant. Number five, when she says, you have no feelings, you are in your head, he says, what's wrong with that? How else do you expect me to solve this problem? He reasons that she is being too critical and demanding because he is doing something that is essential for him to solve problems. He feels unappreciated. In addition, he doesn't recognize the validity of her feelings. Men generally don't realize how extremely and quickly they may shift from being warm and feeling to being unresponsive and distant. In his cave, a man is preoccupied with solving his problem and is unaware of how his indifferent attitude might feel to others. So obviously, we need to learn to meet each other partway, don't we?

Men certainly need to realize that our wives or our girlfriends or our friends deserve our attention, our undivided attention. That's showing respect to one another, trying to put everything else out of your mind. She is important enough for us to do that, men. She really is. She is important enough to listen to her. So try to not be so distracted and have your mind on a number of different things. Instead, focus on your wife and listen to what she has to say. At the same time, it does help if women cut us a little bit of slack at times, because we surely need it. We're pretty dense. You may have noticed that. A lot of men are dense. They're just dense. It's a fact. Sometimes you have to cut us a little bit of slack and work with us. So what I'm saying is, in a godly relationship, we all have to learn to give.

We need to be willing to receive, or we should be able to receive as well, but we have to be able to give to one another. We need to understand what our wife needs, what our husband needs, what our girlfriend needs or our boyfriend needs, what they're desiring, and then try to meet those desires and those needs, as long as they're godly. I'd like to read from page 39 and 40 about how the Martians and the Venutians found peace. You see, they spoke different languages, and it was difficult for them to really have peace with one another.

The Martians and Venutians lived together in peace because they were able to respect their differences. The Martians learned to respect that Venutians needed to talk to feel better.

Even if it didn't have, even if he didn't have much to say, he learned that by listening, he could be very supportive. The Venutians learned to respect that Martians needed to withdraw to cope with stress. The cave was no longer a great mystery or calls for alarm. See, he talks about how women want to follow a man into the cave. And usually that's not a good idea because a dragon will bite you when you go into the cave with the man. You need to try to get his attention before he's fully into the cave, and then you'll have a better chance of meeting him, you know, on your terms and so forth.

The Martians realized that even when they felt they were being attacked, blamed, or criticized by the Venutians, it was only temporary. Soon the Venutians would suddenly feel better and be very appreciative and accepting. By learning to listen, the Martians discovered how much the Venutians really thrived on talking about problems. Each Martian found peace of mind when he finally understood that a Venutian's need to talk about her problems was not because he was failing her in some way. In addition, he learned that once a Venutian feels heard, she stops dwelling on her problems and becomes very positive. With this awareness, a Martian was able to listen without feeling responsible for solving all her problems. Many men and even women are very judgmental of the need to talk about problems because they have never experienced how healing it can be.

They have not seen how a woman who feels heard suddenly can change, feel better, and sustain a positive attitude. Now, I have seen that in my own wife. It really does work. I'll vouch for it that if I'll just listen and encourage her and be responsive and not allow myself to get distracted, and if I'll just listen to her, then she gets it off her chest and she feels so much better.

And she's such a joy to be around. So it really, really does work. Generally, men have seen how a woman, probably their mother, who did not feel heard, continued to dwell on her problems. This happens to women when they do not feel loved or heard over an extended period of time. The real problem, however, is that she feels unloved, not that she is talking about problems. After the Martians learned how to listen, they made a most amazing discovery.

They began to realize that listening to a Venusian talk about problems could actually help them come out of their caves in the same way as watching the news on TV or reading a newspaper. Similarly, as men learn to listen without feeling blamed or responsible, listening becomes much easier.

As a man gets good at listening, he realizes that listening can be an excellent way to forget the problems of his day as well as bring a lot of fulfillment to his partner.

But on days when he is really stressed, he may need to be in his cave and slowly come out by some other distraction like the news or a competitive sport. So there are times when you do need to let the men go and watch the game. You know, you just have to kind of analyze just how important the game is. The Venusians also found peace of mind when they finally understood that a Martian going into his cave was not a sign that he didn't love her as much. They learned to be more accepting of him at these times because he was experiencing a lot of stress. The Venusians were not offended when Martians were easily distracted. That does help, too, when women aren't so offended by that. When a Venusian talked and a Martian became distracted, she would very politely stop talking, stand there, and wait for him to notice.

Then she would begin talking again. She understood that sometimes it was hard for him to give his full attention. I know I'll be driving down the road and my wife's talking to me and she's into a really intense situation in her mind, and I'm looking for deer.

I'm a hunter, and if it's evening and the deer are out moving, I'm likely going to be looking for deer. That's just me. So she understands that better now. She's a little bit more willing to allow that. At the same time, I sometimes have to realize that looking for deer is not as important as looking at my deer. So I've got to put her first. That's important, and we need to learn that. I don't know how many times we've driven down the road and she's gotten upset with me because she didn't feel like I was really listening.

Honey, I'm listening! I can tell you everything you just said.

I also see that deer coming out of the woods over there.

When the Martians were completely preoccupied and in their caves, the Venutians also did not take it personally. They learned that this was not the time to have intimate conversations, but a time to talk about problems with their friends or have fun and go shopping.

When the Martians thereby felt loved and accepted, the Manutians discovered that the Martians would more quickly come out of their caves. So it's really just saying that we need to listen to each other and we need to see how our mate ticks or how our boyfriend ticks or our girlfriend ticks or our friend. What really is important to them? We need to be more attentive to their needs.

If two people are both practicing that, then a relationship will truly flourish and it will be a wonderful relationship. Well, there's so much that could be said about men are from Mars, women are from Venus. This is a pretty lengthy book, and we only got to page 40.

There's much more, and I have more in my notes, but I don't have time to cover a lot of this.

So I would recommend, if you've never read the book, to get the book. It's in every library.

You don't even have to pay for it. So you can get the book and read it, and it will benefit you. I guarantee it will benefit you if you'll listen to it. If you'll listen and consider the principles, there are many, many principles in the book that will really help you understand how to love each other more and how to accept each other. Now, I don't agree with everything that he says in the book, because I think in some ways there are times when he's really teaching people how to manipulate one another. I don't go for that. We shouldn't try to manipulate one another, but we should truly learn to love each other and learn to identify with each other and to draw close to each other in love. Let's go on to the third point. The third principle, the third key, is to be faithful in your relationships with one another. Be faithful in your relationships with one another.

Faithfulness is one of the fruits of God's Holy Spirit.

Being able to count on another human being through thick and thin is in many ways a very rare and precious blessing. To really be able to count on your mate or your boyfriend or your girlfriend, to really be able to know that they're there for you, that they're not going to let you down, that you can trust in them.

That's very, very powerful. It's very, very important.

At the same time, we know the Scriptures say, put not your trust in men, for in them is no help.

So there is, again, a godly balance in this, and we need to find the godly balance.

We need to be faithful in our relationships with one another. We need to do our part to be faithful.

In James 2, verse 14, it talks about faith and works.

In order to be faithful, you have to have faith and works. You have to have both.

James 2, verse 14, What does it profit my brethren if someone says he has faith but does not have works?

Can faith save him? If a brother or a sister is naked and destitute of daily food, and one of you says to them, depart in peace and be warmed and filled, but you do not give them the things which are needed for the body, what does it profit? Thus also, faith by itself, if it does not have works, is dead. But someone will say, you have faith and I have works. Show me your faith without your works, and I will show you my faith by my works. So we need to have both faith and works.

It does not profit us if we have just one. We have to have both working in our lives.

An old Scotsman operated a little rowboat for passengers. One day a passenger noticed that the old man had carved on one ore the word faith, and he carved on the other ore the word works.

Curious, the man asked the reason for this. The old man said, well, I'll show you. So he dropped the ore into the water that was labeled faith. He paddled furiously, and the boat ran around in circles, just with the one paddle. Then he dropped the other ore labeled works, and he paddled vigorously with that one ore, and the boat went around in circles the other way. Then he used both ores, both faith and works, and the boat fell swiftly over the waters. He explained, one without the other will get you nowhere, but faith and works pulling together makes for progress.

So we have to have faith and works. We have to be faithful people, is what I'm talking about, being faithful to the laws of God, being faithful to one another. If we're all keeping God's commandments and living by every word of God, if we're being faithful to God's truth, then we will be faithful to one another. Nothing destroys a relationship more than unfaithfulness. Unfaithfulness of all kinds. Unfaithfulness can happen in many, many areas of life.

We need to be true and faithful to one another. You've probably heard of Daniel Webster. He was a 19th century lawyer and statesman. He was courting his wife to be Grace Fletcher. He held skeins of silk. I'm not sure it's skeins, isn't it? Okay, well, he's holding these skeins of silk thread for her, and he suggested, Grace, we've been engaged in untying knots.

Let us see if we can tie a knot which will not untie for a lifetime.

They stopped right then, and they tied a random silk knot that would be almost impossible to untie.

Grace accepted Webster's proposal that day. They were married. After they passed from the world many years later, their children found a little box marked precious documents. Among the contents were letters of courtship and a tiny silk knot, one that had never been untied.

They were faithful to one another throughout their lives. That is faithfulness. We need to be faithful to one another. So, brethren, practice righteousness at all times in your relationships.

Do that which is right and pleasing to God. If you do, you won't have to worry too much about the fourth key that I'm going to talk about. We'll go into the fourth one.

And that is, be forgiving in your relationships with one another. If two people in a relationship are both faithful, then you won't have to worry too much about having to forgive one another.

But again, none of us are perfect. And we all fall short at times. We're human. We're flesh.

And so, because of that, we're not perfect. And there will be times when we may be unfaithful in small things. Hopefully not huge things, but in smaller areas. And that's where, again, patience comes in. And that's where forgiveness comes in. Frankly, we live in a world full of pain and heartache. We live in a world full of all types of sins that cause a tremendous amount of pain and agony for the sinner and for the one that's being sinned against. People get high on drugs or alcohol, and they do devastating harm to those who know them, whether family or friends. Some of you are probably children of alcoholic parents, or one alcoholic parent, or maybe even some who have done drugs and have devastated their family because of drugs. When people lie to one another, that also is extremely harmful in a relationship. When they cheat one another in various ways, this is what happens around us all the time in this world. People abuse and misuse and mistreat one another. People steal from one another. People kill one another. People dishonor one another. People do all manner of evil, one to another. Is it any wonder that people have a hard time forgiving one another? It's no wonder that we have a hard time forgiving.

But think of this. Jesus Christ, of course, was perfect. He was innocent in every way. He never lied to anyone. He never stole from anyone. He never cheated anyone. He never took advantage of anyone. He was never jealous. He was never envious. He never sinned in anger. He never murdered. Yes, he was angry at times. Righteous indignation when he cleansed the temple. But he never sinned in anger. He never murdered. He never had selfish ambitions. He never fornicated.

Certainly never committed adultery. Not even in his mind. He never got drunk. He never abused anyone in any way. Jesus never gossiped. Christ was loving. He was joyful. He was peaceful.

He was patient. He was kind. He was good. He was faithful. He was gentle. He was self-controlled.

He produced all of the fruits of God's Spirit in abundance. He never sinned. And yet, he was crucified. He died a horrible, shameful death because of the sins of mankind, including your sins and mine. And what did Christ say when he was about to die on the stake? What did he say to his Heavenly Father in regards to those who were killing him? Did he not say, please, Father, see that they get what they deserve for killing me? Of course, he didn't say that at all. He said, Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do. And oftentimes, we're thick-headed, and we don't know what we're doing at times. I mean, even though we know what the Scriptures say, we all fall short of living them perfectly.

So, we do have to make allowances for one another, unless you're perfect. Now, if you're perfect, then forget everything I've just said. But if you're not perfect, then there are times, of course, when we do need to be forgiving. In fact, remember what Christ said, the Sermon on the Mount, he said, you will be forgiven in the same manner that you forgive others. The trespass is that they do. So, we do need to forgive others. In Mark 11, 24-26, here it says, if you have anything against anyone, forgive them. In Luke 6, Christ talks about loving your enemies. He shows us a much higher standard to even learn to love your enemies. And you know what the parable about 70 times 7, or to forgive, when one of the apostles came to Christ and said, how many times do I need to forgive this person? Seven times? He said 70 times 7.

So, we do need to learn to be forgiving.

God forgives everyone and everything, right? Is that true? Of course, God forgives upon repentance. Some will be cast into a lake of fire because they will not repent of their sins. Does that mean that you can only forgive when a person has repented?

Remember, only God can really forgive sin. Only He can take the penalty away. You can't forgive sin in the ultimate sense, but you can forgive another person for the wrong that they've done to you. Forgiveness for us is no longer harboring hatred and resentment. That's what real forgiveness is, man to man, woman to woman, woman to man. It is forgiving by no longer harboring hatred and resentment. Hatred and resentment will kill us. So, we have to stop harboring the hatred and resentment. God wants us to get rid of that for our own sake. So, clearly, forgiveness is no longer harboring hatred and resentment for we human beings. God can help us with that. God can take the hatred and the resentment away. He can cleanse you of hatred and resentment, and then you will be able to forgive. The Greek word for forgive means primarily to send forth, to send away. For us, it means to send away the anger, to send away the resentment, to send away the animosity, and to send away the hatred towards another human being. So, God does call us to forgiveness. He has called us to forgive one another. So, in conclusion, let me just summarize these key points once again. To have godly relationships, first, we must put God first in all of our relationships with others. God needs to be number one. Put God first in order to have a godly relationship. Secondly, another key to having a godly relationship with another person is to treat them with genuine godly love and respect. Number three, it is to be faithful in your relationships with one another, to be faithful, to keep the commandments of God and to live by every word of God. And number four is to be forgiving in your relationships with one another.

These four key principles talk about learning to love one another. God wants us to learn to love one another. God is love. So, singles and all of us here today, let's apply these principles.

Let's talk about them some. Let's learn from each other. Let's be more willing to listen to each other. Let's again be humble and learn from each other and let us all learn what it means to have godly relationships. Again, I look forward to this weekend and getting to know many of you.

I'll be able to spend some time now, so hopefully some of us can talk now and then I'll see many of you this evening and tomorrow evening.