Marriage, Part 2

Well, good morning again. And I guess we could say happy birthday to Faith, in that she's going to be a year old in a few days. And so that's been quite a remarkable year for her to not only be born, but to make the type of progress that she's been making. Hopefully she'll continue with that progress, but we're thankful for her and glad that she's here and a part of our congregation. Well, I wanted to continue today. I mentioned a few weeks ago, as I gave a message about marriage, that I would give additional. And as I thought about that, I thought it would be two. And after I thought about it a little more, I think it might be three. But I want to go ahead and go through this. I started with, of course, the institution of marriage and the sanctity of marriage that God designed. And today I want to continue to examine our knowledge of marriage, and maybe not so much our knowledge, because I know a number of you are married or you have been married, or you may be married yet in the future. But not so much our knowledge, but our understanding of God's Word in regard to how we can build up, how we can encourage, how we can uplift our marriages. And I'm, of course, speaking this to you, and I need the information as much or more than you do. So it's good for me to study it, it's good for me to think about it, and then to try to figure out how to apply it, because there's more to it than simply knowing. With the incredible framework of marriage, God brings a man and a woman together, and He combines their strengths, their talents, their abilities.

He combines their personalities, but He also combines their differences. We are quite different. Men and women are clearly different. And yet He instructs us not just to coexist, He instructs us to thrive. That's what He wants. He really would desire that our marriages are happy, that they're fulfilling, that they're uplifting.

And in some ways it depends on us, as far as how much we might apply what He says, that we can cause our marriage to thrive. And so I want to start this today. I'm going to focus on one verse today that I hope you will find enlightening, because to me it is enlightening. And I might just ask you, if you were to write down what you think is the most relevant or the most important scripture regarding marriage, what would that be? I know there are a number of different scriptures that we would use as a guide for our marriages. But if you were to just write down one most significant scripture or instruction from God, whether we know where that is or not, whether we can quote the verse itself. Tom's looking it up. I can see. He's trying...you got it figured out. Let me go back to this earlier line. God has combined strengths, talents, personalities, and differences.

Boy, is this timely! I didn't think the right thing.

Well, whatever stands out to you, because I'm sure there could be varying. And actually, I would think even for husbands or wives there might be a different thought or instruction that we might think of.

And there are obviously many answers to that question. But I want to point out today that the topic that we're discussing as far as marriage or building up our marriages really goes beyond what you read in Ephesians 5, verse 22 and verse 24. Now, that is a key. Oh, no. No! Actually, that's wrong! So, I was saying it goes beyond Ephesians 5, 22 through 24, which states that the husband is to be the head of the family or the home, and his wife is to be in subjection or submission. See, that is a concept that the Bible makes. And that is a concept that probably however many people who are married apply to some degree or another, who often misapply and misuse. And see, I'm addressing a knowledgeable congregation. I'm addressing people who I know want to do what God says and who are striving to follow that. However, you know, we might say at times we don't quite get it right. And clearly, I don't get it right. Even if I know it, I don't get it right. And so it's a matter of kind of being reminded and maybe even learning something more about what it is. What I'm saying here, it really goes beyond a very limited instruction that might be what actually I have seen even in the Church of God, a good amount of misuse of that particular verse. And I'm not dealing, and certainly not advocating any type of abusive behavior. I want to put that out and begin with as far as a disclaimer. Understanding what God says can really help us. It can really benefit us. He reveals much more if we actually ask Him for understanding. And I again hope to cover something today that will help you. So what guidance from God can we apply to really cause our marriages and our lives to thrive? See, there are a number of different scriptures you could go to that would be applicable for how you're supposed to be as a husband or as a wife in your marriage. Now, I've listed four or five, six of these that I'm not even going to focus on entirely. I'm going to mention them, and clearly all of these would be correct answers to what is it that God wants us to learn? What does He want us to project in our marriage? The first one of those is obvious, you know, that God expects that we love one another. Now that's not applicable simply to marriage. That is applicable to all of us. All of us are familiar with what Jesus told His disciples, you know, that you're going to even be identified as My disciples if you have love for one another. So that's applicable to everyone, whether you're even married or not right now. And yet that is a principle, and you read that specifically, that husbands are to love their wives. And we're told, you can also read, wives can be learning to love their husbands and love their children. That's what it's direct in Titus. It talks about older women teaching younger women to love their husband, to love their children. And so that's clearly one principle, a massive principle that could be, you know, in a sense all-encompassing. But really there's more to even that statement. You know, we could go to John 13 and see what we read in John 13 that could be applicable to marriage.

Well, in John 13 we see Jesus' example of washing the feet of the disciples, and that that attitude was to be by them extended to others. And it certainly could be applicable to our attitude within our marriage, of desiring to serve each other. That would be, you know, I think a, you know, esteem one another. And that, of course, you know, you can find other verses that would cover that. You know, I found it interesting when I was looking into 1 Corinthians, where it even talks about, and where Paul writes about different categories of people, those who are married and those who are unmarried and those who are maybe married to mates who are not believers.

And he gives a lot of directive, but he does point out that, well, one of the sections there talks about a husband needing to or having a concern to please his wife and her wife, on the converse of that, having a desire to please her husband.

So we could say, well, we should love one another, we should serve one another, we should please one another. Those are all pretty general. Ephesians 5 verse 21 says, we ought to be subject to one another out of reverence for Christ. Now that's also, I think, an applicable verse.

It's really impossible for husbands and wives to build up their marriage without coming to love and respect one another. Another. The Ephesians 5, 21 says, submitting to one another in love or being subject to one another out of reverence for Christ. See, it brings in our relationship with God, our appreciation of Jesus Christ in our lives to be able to be the kind of husband I ought to be, or to be the kind of wife that a wife should be. And so again, another directive we find in 1 Peter 3 verse 7, that husbands are told to dwell with their wives with an understanding that they are heirs together of the grace of life.

What's that talking about? Well, it's talking about an understanding that God created humankind male and female. He created men in the image and likeness of God. He created women in the image and likeness of God. We both, male and female, have a spiritual potential of being a son or daughter of God. And so that's a huge topic. And again, I'm only mentioning a lot of the things that we can talk about more as I try to be more specific for husbands and wives later on.

But clearly, 1 Peter 3, 7, points out a significant factor that needs to be understood, and it needs to be a part of the mix. Now, another aspect that you see, and I hope to point out some of that here today, is that as men and women, or as more applicable to our marriages as husbands and wives, we need to be able to accept the differences that God has placed in men and women. I can tell you that doesn't just come automatic. That is almost something that, at least as a man, you have to focus on to even understand what it says.

Because I clearly do not understand how my wife thinks. I do not. I cannot. And of course, there are a lot of studies, and I'm not going to be going into some of those, who clearly show that God designed and created differences in the brain and in the mind of men and women. And I certainly acknowledge that.

I fail with that, remarkably sometimes, almost astoundingly, even to me, because I am not intending to do that or to dismiss something, but too often that's what I end up doing. And that is something I want to improve in. And as I think about this, maybe I can't improve. And certainly if I ask God to help me understand the differences that he has created, to kind of give an example of this, and in many ways I think it is a pretty good example, might have Pat, my wife, and I sitting on, we've got a couch and then a love seat that basically points toward the TV.

So, you know, we can both be sitting there, and I will be sitting there and looking at, that's different than watch, the TV. I can be sitting there looking at the TV, and Pat may be sitting on the couch, and she will be watching the TV, too.

But she's watching the TV, and she's talking on the phone to her sister, and she's sending an email to Lorraine or someone, and like I said, I'm looking at the TV, and then she says, what do you think about what they just said? If you're watching the TV, you're talking on the phone, you're sending emails and looking at something on the laptop, and you ask me something about what they just said on TV, and I say, duh, I don't even know what they said! Maybe I wasn't paying attention to whatever it was that they were saying. But that again does point out a difference. See, if I'm in my nothing box, if I'm just watching, and not really gaining much insight from whatever is coming... I mean, there's a lot of downtime if you're watching TV. If I just had a...

I need to be able to fix a remote where commercials are muted. That would be a big help, because if I didn't have to block that out all the time, or try to hit the mute button... But see, a major difference between men and women. Women are often going to be much better at multitasking than men. And I know in some ways you say a lot of generalized things that way, but I think in many ways it is that women do end up multitasking quite well, and certainly working with children and working with families and all of the things that have to go on at one time. It is different. And actually, it's interesting to me. I know you all have been encouraging to my wife, and of course she loves all of you. And even though she's not able to be up here, and I don't know how often it'd be that she'd want to be up when I'm getting up to go up here even, but she is aware. And then she has a number of different health things. And a lot of times, insomnia adds to that. But even at night, I know she's told me, she knows all of you by name. She's counting you as sheep. Counting you... you know, she knows what your name is. She may not know who you are directly, and when she meets you, then she would know that or make that connection much quicker than I would often. And yet, you know, she's very concerned about you, and so she's an amazing person in that way.

But the point that I'm making is that we need to have a desire to accept and appreciate differences between men and women. And whenever we create offenses with our words or with our actions, because that's how we often do it, and really you can even do it by a face. By a facial expression, Pat can tell what's going on in this dull brain of mine. Wait too often, she's right. She can tell by looking even at my expression.

Now, we've been married for over 40 years, so you know, we've been around each other a lot.

And yet, I know that I can convey, you know, a somewhat offensive thing just by the way I look, or say certain things. And yet, if we have a desire to accept and appreciate, the accepting is kind of an initial part of that, but then appreciating the differences. Being thankful that there are differences. Vibola difference. That's, you know, certainly, you know, certainly, you know, I think a part of what we learn if we're going to build up our marriage. And of course, like I said, if we do create offenses, if we create difficulty for one another, if, you know, we have tiffs and disagreements and even worse arguments and fights, which, you know, does occur, how do we go about reconciling those things? Do we have a thought in mind about how to reconcile? How important? You know, you could go to a verse regarding forgiveness and how significant that is, how meaningful that is, how meaningful that is as an aspect of our development as people and as husbands and wives. You know, I covered some very wide-ranging principles there, but they all are applicable to our understanding of the way we ought to live with our wife or with our husband in creating peace, in extending love, in sharing joy, because God tells us that we should live joyfully, you know, with our mate. He tells us that we should that. That isn't always the case. Sometimes we're in great distress. Sometimes we're being neglected. Maybe not intentionally, but we are nonetheless. So I want to focus on one verse.

And I guess if you only write down one thing today, I'd like for you to write down Ephesians 5. See, Tom was only part right. See, he was covering his tail by saying, well, all of it here. But in verse 33, Ephesians 5 verse 33, this is actually, it says in the New King James Version of Ephesians 5 verse 33, it says, nevertheless, let each one of you in particular talking about a husband, nevertheless, let each one of you, each one of you husbands in particular, so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband. That is an extremely significant verse. It's a summary verse as I see it, because there's obviously many other verses that we could go to and talk about and discuss, which, again, I will to some degree, not today. But I want us to focus on what this says. In my new Revised Standard Version that I usually use, it says, each of you, however, should love his wife as himself, and a wife should respect her husband. So that's very similar to what you see the New King James referring to. In the NIV, the New International Version, it actually says, however, each one of you, again, talking to husbands, also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

This verse reminds us of the differences in male and female minds that's created by the Grand Designer of all to complement one another, to actually, in a sense, complete one another, to enhance one another. But you see the direction here is a little different. It doesn't tell them both to do the same thing. It tells them to do two different things. And I've been reading. I know some of you may be familiar with this book. It's a book that Dr. Emerson Eggerich has written. It's been out for some time. There are many, many seminars and stuff that they promote and sell from this book, or from the ideas of this book. But in this book, it's called Love and Respect. And that, of course, is what Ephesians 5 verse 33 talks about.

When I read out of the NIV, it says it's a must for husbands to love their wives, direct guidance from God, and a must for white to respect her husband. Again, direction from God about what does he want us to do. And if those things are missing, then what happens? Well, we are in turmoil. We are frustrated. We probably are in need of reconciliation whenever this is not achieved. And admittedly, we don't always achieve that. Actually, in the subtitle or subheading of the book, the book is entitled Love and Respect. So that's obviously the main focus. But the subtitle says, The Love She Most Desires. Again, explaining, as he's going to write about it in the book, what he feels and sees from the Bible, a woman needs, wants, desires. And then, of course, the latter part of that, the respect that he desperately needs. Again, talking about a husband and what can motivate, what can fuel, what can build up him. Now, I want to use this book as I'm not going to actually read certain sections of it, so I don't know exactly how I have to do that in a sermon.

I do want to tell you, you're certainly welcome if you'd like to find this book and look it up and get it at a library or if you even purchased it. I think it would be helpful. It's helpful to me. To read through it and then to see that, well, this is what he's focused on. This is what he's made a whole life out of and a whole business out of, of emphasizing, and of course he's a marriage counselor and a minister of some type, I'm sure. And he has a lot of scriptural references here in this book, but what he really is pointing out is that God has created men and women with different needs, and if we learn not only about our but about the other's needs, and we go about fulfilling those needs, maybe even discussing those needs. Of course, I guess this book is really about communication. It's really about the interaction and the tone of the interaction that a husband and wife have. And again, I think that it is significant. And even, you know, the subtitles part of it, the love she most desires and the respect he desperately needs. He's going to make a case for how important that is, how significant it is. And so I want to pass on some of this information to you today. Like I said, I'll be quoting from this book, and so I want for all of us to think about just how it is that we could build our own marriage up by understanding Ephesians 5, verse 33, by not only understanding it, but by applying, by actually doing what it says. And he certainly makes a case. He mentions that he counsels many people. He does these type of marriage seminars. And of course, there's not only this type of book, but numerous other workbooks and other things that are available of this same type, or in connection with this company I'm sure he runs. But he points out, and just talking about, you know, who can benefit from this? He leads into this in his book. He says, do you want some peace? Do you want to feel close to your spouse? Do you want to feel understood? Do you want to experience marriage the way that God intends? And he suggests, of course, try some love and respect. Because again, he's focused solely on those two needs that need to be met from the standpoint of men and women, or husbands and wives. He says this book is for anyone, people in marital crisis, husbands and wives in a second marriage, people wanting to stay happily married, spouses married to unbelievers, divorcees trying to heal, lonely wives, browbeaten husbands, engaged couples, pastors looking for material. So now I have some material here. Of course, he's, you know, he's writing this and I find trying to read his book, you know, a lot of repetition. I mean, he goes over a lot of things in a repetitive manner, and maybe that's intended, I'm not sure, and even to try to pull out what I thought was most significant was a little bit hard to do. He goes on in somewhat of the beginning of the forward. No husband feels fond feelings of affection and love in his heart when he believes his wife has contempt for who he is as a human being. And ironically, the deepest need of the wife to feel loved is undermined by disrespect.

He goes on to say we are, and he recommends people try it, you know, he recommends people use a six week's test of trying to learn some of the things that he is teaching in his program. And yet, I'm offering this to you as something that you wouldn't have to necessarily do in the program, but if we come to understand it, if we come to relate to it, I think we could certainly build up our marriages because we believe the Word of God. We believe what God has stated. And yet, we may have understood only part of that, or only in part. I certainly see, you know, that my understanding, or even misunderstanding of clear verses in the Bible, can use improvement. I can learn more. He says, we're seeing God work in remarkable ways when men and women submit themselves wholeheartedly to this biblical design for marriage. And so he is expressing that he feels, and of course, what he is, you know, promoting and teaching at seminars, is going to benefit people immensely if they are really wanting to know what God's design is. He says, if you and your spouse will practice the love and respect connection, the potential for improving your marriage is limitless. And so I would say that that truly is, if we would come to apply what he offers, it truly is. He goes on, again, in introducing his first chapter. A major problem I hear from wives is that he doesn't love me. And yet he goes ahead to say, wives are made to love. They want to love, they expect love, and of course, many husbands fail to deliver. I think that's, you know, certainly a clear statement that that's a need. And of course, the converse. He said husbands weren't saying it much, but they were thinking, she doesn't respect me. Husbands are made to be respected. They want respect. They expect respect. And many wives fail to deliver. Again, I think this is, you know, it's somewhat foundational. He said, as I wrestled with the problem, I finally saw a connection.

Without love for him, she reacts without respect. And without respect for her, he reacts without love. And in a sense, this whole book is based on that concept or idea, only in three different phases. And yet the first phase is kind of described here. Without love for him, she reacts without respect. And without respect for her, he reacts without love. Around and around it goes. He says, I call it the crazy cycle. Now, I don't know whether that's a good description or not, but unfortunately, sometimes that's going to be the way our lives feel. That can be the way our marriage might feel. That we're kind of spinning around in a washing or a dryer, I guess. Spinning, spinning, spinning, spinning. We're not solving the difficulties, or maybe even learning how to abreast the difficulties. He says, I call it the crazy cycle. Marital craziness that has thousands of couples in its grip. I'll explain how we can get off the crazy cycle. He says, I explain how we get on the crazy cycle and then how you can get off. I think it is really an important concept to think about, because if we get upset with one another, if we fail and don't reconcile soon, then we do get on somewhat of a cycle that continues to just go round and round and round, and we don't see any progress. He actually puts it in the outline of this book in three sections. Control the craziness. He says that deals with the crazy cycle that we can get into. Secondly, energize each other with love and respect. That's actually seeing what we're doing that's hurting, changing, and then building each other up, energizing one another. Finally, he points out, enjoy the rewards of a godly marriage, which is the rewarded cycle. Those are the three sections that he focuses on in this book. Again, a great deal of, I think, very important information that can help us to not just know what God says, but to truly strive to do. He says getting on the crazy cycle is all too easy. Recognizing that you're on the crazy cycle and learning how to keep it from spinning out of control is possible if husbands and wives can learn how to meet each other's basic needs for love and respect. First of all, he says, my experience as a counselor and as a husband confirms this truth. The wife is the one who says, does my husband love me as much as I love him? She knows she loves him, but she wonders at times if he loves her nearly as much. So when he comes across as unloving, she typically reacts in a negative way. In her opinion, he needs to change into a more sensitive caring man. That would clearly be my description sometimes. Unfortunately, a wife's usual approach is to complain and criticize in order to motivate her husband to become more loving. And clearly, that doesn't work. You might have tried that at any time in the past. That doesn't work. And of course, on the other hand, a husband does not commonly ask, does my wife love me as much as I love her? Why not? Well, because he's assured of her love.

I often ask husbands, does your wife love you? And they say, oh yeah, yeah. And I say, well, does she even like you, though? Nope. You know, that sometimes can be totally different. In many cases, the wife's dislike is interrupted by the husband, or is interpreted by her husband as disrespect and even contempt. Again, this deals with the way that we get spinning on a cycle that he calls a crazy cycle. He says, around and around it spins. I call it the crazy cycle. So, in summarizing his understanding of that, he says the point is simply craziness happens whenever we keep doing the same things over and over with the same ill effect. That's actually used in a lot of different training, AA and others. Craziness happens whenever you keep doing the same things over and over with the same ill effect. And, of course, there's a lot of information. This isn't the only book on marriage. This is just one that I think has some significant information for us to focus on as a groundwork for a way to improve, a way to uplift our marriages. But he says, even with all of our knowledge, craziness continues. And it doesn't seem to matter if the couples are Christian or unbelievers. And he asks why. See, I concluded that those of us, you know, who believe in the Word of God, and of course he's writing this from the standpoint of of a Bible believer, that we are not using the whole truth. See, we often know certain aspects of what God says, and we try to apply those. And I'm certainly not castigating anyone. We all try to apply what we understand. And yet, maybe we have not focused as much on understanding just the primary needs that God has created within our wife or with our husband that we need, that are actually highlighted in the title, Love and Respect. He says, let me see, even more convincing, you know, he said, this is what I've seen, this is who I talk to, people respond a lot to what he has to say. He says, even more convincing is what Ephesians 5.33 teaches about the woman's primary need for love and the man's primary need for respect. Now again, I can say that over and over again, and I hope that you will take note of that, because I think it is really significant.

It says the husband must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

Could it be any clearer than that? He says, Paul isn't making suggestions, he's giving directives or commands from God. And in addition, the Greek word that Paul uses for love here is agape, meaning unconditional love. And again, as I pointed out earlier, I'm not dealing with abusive situations here. If you're in that, then we need to talk, or you need to talk to somebody who can help you, which, you know, this is not what I'm talking about. This is talking about all of us coming to see our responsibility and understand the needs of our mate. And the wording of the rest of the passage strongly suggests that the husband should receive unconditional respect. Yeah, I can read the verse, and I can always apply it to me, where it tells husbands, you know, to lead your home or to be a leader in the home as Christ leads the church. You know, that's quite a tall order, far beyond what I am able to meet or to reach, or that I feel that I'm able to reach. But it's really talking about doing that without limit, doing that unconditionally. But as he said, the wording of the rest of this passage, and again, we're not reading all of Ephesians 5 here right now, which we will, because that is a specific section. I mean, there are three or four pretty major sections that talk about husbands and wives. But he says, the wording of the passage strongly suggests the husband should receive unconditional respect. Christian spouses should not read this verse to say, husbands, love your wives unconditionally, and wives, respect your husbands only if they have earned and deserve it.

See, that's too often the way we can kind of take a spin on the crazy cycle. You know, if we look at it not realizing that, well, you know, God is really pointing out a specific need. In this verse, respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife. Those two concepts, you know, really make up what's discussed in this book. And, of course, he goes ahead to describe how that this can be, and I know that we have often taught, we've taught, you know, directly what Ephesians 5 says, and in many ways we've taught correctly. You know, we need God's help to do that. We need to continue to grow in our whole process of conversion. I'm not really talking about that. I know we know that. I know that we realize that asking God to be a part of our marriage is clearly a part of what, you know, what we would benefit from. And, depending on how we do that... I don't know how all of you do. I try to pray with my wife now, better, and the two of us praying together and actually sharing that. I can say that that's a contributor to marital improvement and success, but I certainly have not done that most of my married life.

I knew that I should or could. We just haven't done as much of that as we wish we now maybe had, learned a little more along the way. Maybe it's good that we're learning something now. And yet, you know, in many ways we have to say, okay, this is what God says. I'm going to believe what he says, and I'm going to then follow his word in faith. I'm going to believe that this will be what will help us. The key to creating fond feelings of love in a husband toward his wife is through showing him unconditional respect. Again, that's a very simple statement. It's one, you know, that he uses throughout this book to help wives understand how they can help their marriage, and of course also in the converse of that helping husbands to understand how it is that they should cause their marriage to thrive. He goes on to say here, Paul concludes these statements on marriage by getting gender specific. Verse 33, he reveals commands from the very heart of God as he tells the husband he must love his wife unconditionally, and his wife must respect her husband whether or not he comes across as loving. See, if he doesn't come across as loving, that doesn't negate the need to learn how to be respectful because that will help the situation. He goes on to say that this verse gives no command to a wife to Agape. He's saying this verse being Ephesians 5.33. This verse gives no command of the wife to Agape, love her husband. He doesn't say that, and I guess I've always assumed that, well, that's what it means or that's what it says, and I guess I did forget one statement that probably is a plus. It probably is applicable here under my very first topic here of loving one another, you know, and we're all familiar with the fact that we need to love one another, but certainly, you know, the song by John Lennon, Love is All You Need, that's not the case. Love is not all that you need. You need more understanding. You need to grow. I mean, that clearly is correct, that love is needed, but it is not all that you need. You need to have understanding of the Word of God. So as I, he says here, the verse gives no command, Ephesians 5.33, to a wife to Agape, love her husband. He says, as I studied this verse over the years, I begin to ask, why is there no command for a wife to Agape her husband? And then it struck me.

The Lord has created a woman to love. Her whole approach to nurture, her sensitivity, her love and compassion are all a part of God's design in her nature. In short, God designed the woman to love. He's not going to command her to Agape her husband when he created her to do that in the first place. That's a desire. That is a nurturing, a love. And certainly I know, as I think about Pat, a part of the allure that I had, as foggy as my brain may have been at that time, a part of the allure was how sensitive, how nurturing, how loving, how caring she was.

And I thought, that's highly commendable. That's really good. That's important.

Now, I think she was just being the way she is. And I was somewhat attuned to that. But I think it is significant to realize that even by God's design, women tend to be more loving and are able to extend that. And yet, they also wish to be loved. He goes on to say, and he mentions how that in Titus 2, where an older woman is directed to teach the younger women to love their husbands and love their wives. That's not even agape. That's filio, the word that is used for that. That's a little different type of love. But as he's pointing out, the point is a young wife or woman is created to agape her husband and children. Ultimately, she will never stop unconditionally loving them. But in the daily wear and tear of life, then she is danger of becoming discouraged and potentially so discouraged that she may lack the brotherly love, filio. And a kind of impatient unfriendliness can come over her and she may scold and sigh way too much. Of course, he's graphically describing this, I'm sure, in his seminars that he promotes about this. All of this, I want to mention, I think is just kind of laying the groundwork for what we can study about a husband's role and a wife's role in marriage. But I think it is wrapped up in a better understanding of love and respect and the type of love that a husband owes to his wife that she desires, or the love that she desires, and the respect that he desperately needs. Those two things, when they're out of balance, and actually I guess I can show you. I didn't know whether I was supposed to print this stuff out and certainly pass it out. I'm not going to pass it out, I'll just tell you. Whenever he describes the crazy cycle, this is a description. He has three different charts that kind of do the crazy cycle, the energizing cycle, which we want to be on, and the rewarded cycle, which is even beyond building up your marriage. But this crazy cycle is just kind of a circle. It says, without love, she reacts without respect, and without respect, he reacts without love. I think there is a significant connection there that we could certainly benefit from studying and thinking about. I want to cover one other short section here because obviously this Dr. Eggerich, who has written this book, and I'm quoting from, he makes a number of statements that are his statements as far as what he thinks and how he concludes. He actually has many different Bible connections of different verses in the Bible that are really enlightening to me because I can read those. I didn't realize that that is applicable in this way. So that's helpful to me. And I think it could be to you, but interestingly you find, and he has just a small section here, about some research that has been done. He says, interestingly enough, scientific research confirms that love and respect are the foundation of a successful marriage. He says Dr. John Gottman, a professor in the Department of Psychology at the University of Washington, led a research team that spent 20 years studying 2,000 couples who'd been married for 20 to 40 years to the same partner. So they were studying success. They were studying people who seemed to be able to get along and lasted for a long time. Now I'm sure in this practice that this man talks to many people who don't last near that long. You know, their marriages are falling apart, and of course, statistically, you've got 50% of marriages are failing and end up in divorce. But here he's citing this research that was done by Dr. Gottman, and he says these people came from different backgrounds, and they had widely different occupations and lifestyles, but one thing was similar. And so this is what they learned from studying what appeared to be a successful group over a long period of time. The one thing that was similar was the tone of their conversations.

As these couples talk together almost always, there was what Gottman calls a strong undercurrent of two basic ingredients. I wonder what those might be.

Love and respect. And these are the direct opposite of, in the antidote for, contempt, which is perhaps the most corrosive force in marriage. I think, again, that that is really significant, and I point this out to you in hopes that as we have time, we can come to understand or even identify the crazy cycle if we are contributing to it. And it can happen just like that. I can achieve that just by ignoring my wife.

And yet, to back that up and to get a better understanding of it, we have to think about it. And so, I want to just, again, leave you with this, that Ephesians 5.33, I think, can be certainly a leading foundational verse in human relationships, and particularly marriage, which it's directed to. As we learn to say and do and to understand, perhaps, and then say and do the things that promote love and respect. And I'll get into, the next time I have an opportunity here, I'll get into exploring the energizing cycle. I wanted to give this to kind of lay the foundation so that, you know, if you want to read one verse that we are going to focus on, that's it. Ephesians 5.33. But, you know, the energizing cycle is a little different.

See, understanding the crazy cycle is helpful in figuring out how to maybe get off of it. But then, what can we do to energize? Well, his statement regarding that, and this is how he describes the energizing cycle, is that his love motivates her respect, and her respect motivates his love. I again think that is a, I mean, some of these are unbelievably simple statements, but they are, as we understand them, I think they can be very helpful. So I will look forward to being able to go into some of those here the next time.