The Relationship Between Love and Marriage

Well, I hope you'll take this in the same way, but I'll only begin today by saying the steward's marriage is peculiar. The steward's marriage is peculiar. It's peculiar. Why? Well, peculiar means unusual and atypical. Why? Well, the very least, because they've been happily married for 70 years. During a time in this country in the United States when marriage is becoming an increasing rarity. Marriage is becoming rare. Here's why I say that. Census results from 2021 reveal that 50% of adults aged 18 and older were married. Only 50% of adults over age 18 and I guess in 2020 were married.

Of that number, 1% were same-sex marriages. We have to throw that in now. 1% were same-sex marriages. That means that only 49% of adults were in heterosexual marriages. So less than half in what we might call the traditional marriage. That's compared to 1970. That's 49% compared to 1970 when 69% of adults were married. That's according to Pew Research. Statistics also revealed in 1922 that was before the stewards were born.

We're married, right? I don't want to get into that. I'm sorry. Statistics show that in 1922, 44.2% of marriages ended in divorce. So in 2022, 44% of marriages ended in divorce. Now today, the average length of a marriage in the United States, you can guess in your own heads, guess how long? 8.2 years. That's the average length of marriage. Other scholars and critics say, no, that can't be right because it takes at least a year for a divorce to take effect. So it's more accurately to say the average marriage lasts seven years in the United States.

And so now do you understand what I'm saying? The stewards have a peculiar marriage and a wonderful marriage. And frankly, there are a lot of people sitting in this room who have been married for many, many, many years. And it's a wonderful thing. Their 70 years of marriage is a remarkably rare occasion, and it is appropriate that we're honoring them today in recognition of that achievement.

And also, sincere gratitude to God who has made us male and female, to God who has established marriage. Now there are all sorts of books and articles, videos, websites. You can just learn just about anything on YouTube. But they're all places we can go to that declare to have the secrets to a successful marriage. But few of those resources actually turned to the most important resource of all, the most important resource of all for instruction on marriage. And that, of course, is the Bible. The Bible. Ideally, both husband and wife, one man and one woman, share a common belief in God and the same desire to obey God, both as individuals and together as a couple.

Most, if not every, challenge that arises in marriage can be rightly resolved when husbands and wives humbly and mutually choose to love and respect one another. And both the husband and wife will recognize their need to understand and to submit to practicing the respective God-given leadership roles in marriage.

But what is the husband's leadership role in marriage? And what is the wife's? There's a lot of confusion about that nowadays. How should husbands and wives treat each other? And together, how can they make their marriages even better? Statistics, after all, suggest that many, many couples do not have a real clue or understanding of how to make their marriages succeed.

Do we? And are we making our marriages succeed? And so today, we will address, for obvious reasons, this topic seemed to be a good topic for today. So today, we're going to discuss some of these questions, and we're going to be turning to God's word as Holy Scripture for guidance for answers about fulfilling our roles in marriage, whether we are married now or whether we will be married in the future. I tried to come up with a pithy topic or excuse me, a pithy title, and the title I came up with is this, The Relationship Between Love and Marriage.

I was going to say something like love and marriage ain't no carriage, but so many people don't know Sinatra anymore. The relationship between love and marriage. As we turn to consider the leadership roles that God has assigned to husbands and to wives, it's very important that we first remember that God created humanity. God created human beings. And as our creator, God has the authority, and yes, the highest right, to tell us and to teach us how to live so that we will enjoy a happy and blessed life now and even more so in the future. But it's all up to us in a sense because He lets us decide whether we're going to listen to Him or whether we're not.

It's up to us. We need to choose whether to love and obey God.

Now let's go to Genesis 2. Just to touch and set the foundation. In Genesis 2, we can read how God formed Adam from the dirt of the ground. He breathed physical life into him, but Adam was the only human being. He was alone, all alone, in that newly created world because there is yet, at that first time, no Eve. And so we know that God put Adam to sleep, he took out one of his ribs, and he made Eve. There's an old song about that. Honeycomb, I think that was called. He made Eve out of that rib. She was the perfect companion, the perfect compliment, her helper for Adam. She was and became a part of him, and she was a part of him in a very real sense.

Now let's look at verses 24 through 25. Genesis 2. And here we find what, if you read our literature, and I've read it elsewhere too, in verses 24-25 we find what can be called the four-part outline of marriage as God established it. In very quick summary form, God defines for us what marriage is about. And it reads like this, therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife. And they shall become one flesh, and they were both naked, a man and his wife, and were not ashamed. And again, these verses we can see, broadly speaking, established by God the parameters of marriage. And so what did we learn? What four things? Well, first in marriage, a man was to leave his father and mother. He was to go out and create a new family unit. Secondly, and you can follow along in those verses, the husband was to be joined to his wife.

That means he was to build a special, close relationship with his wife, a relationship he was to have unlike with anyone else. Third, the husband and wife were to become one flesh.

That is, they were to enjoy an intimate sexual relationship with one another.

God intended sex to be part of the marriage relationship, and that sex not take place outside of marriage. And here we have statistics saying only 50% of the adults in this country are married 49% in heterosexual, traditional marriage. The fourth, we read that a husband and wife are not to be ashamed. They're not to be ashamed. In other words, sexuality was not and is not intrinsically dirty or shameful. Sex is a beautiful thing in marriage. That is where it's to be. That's where it's to be practiced in marriage. Now, later, as we're going to read here in a bit in Ephesians 5, Paul explains that marriage is meant to reflect our relationship with God. There's a reason God established marriage beyond what we see here in these two verses. It's to reflect the relationship between Jesus Christ and the church. We'll delve into that in a little bit. And now, if you go with me to the back of the Bible, Revelation 19, verse 7 through 9, again, we're laying the foundations here in the sermon, Revelation 19, verse 7 through 9, we understand and we believe it's in Scripture. There will indeed be a marriage between Christ and the church. And, brethren, you and I, we've been called to be a part of that. We are part of God's church. If God's Spirit dwells in us. And so, Revelation 19, verse 7, let us be glad and rejoice and give Him glory, looking forward to this future event, and give Him glory for the marriage of the Lamb has come, and His wife has made herself ready, speaking of the church. And to her it was granted to be arranged in fine linen, clean and bright, for the fine linen is the righteous acts of the saints. And then He said to me, John, He said, Right, blessed are those who are called to the marriage supper of the Lamb. And He said to me, These are the true sayings of God. Those words bear the authority of God. And so, God did create marriage. And marriage is meant to reflect our relationship with God. And so, our roles God has signed in marriage helps us understand our relationship with God. There's a purpose for these things. And so then, from Genesis to Revelation, we've already seen, from Genesis to Revelation, many places in between, we find God's instruction about how husbands and wives are to love and respect one another in marriage. And at times, as we're now going to be turning towards Ephesians 5, we have particular passages that go into greater depth as to what that relationship should be like. And so, if you turn with me to Ephesians 5 now, and I highly recommend that you put a bookmark there, and I'm remembering to do that myself this time, Ephesians 5 will be coming back and forth a little bit. And it's always important to try to understand scriptures within the larger context. There can be additional meaning there. And so, what we find at the very beginning in Ephesians 5, we find that Paul exhorts us, exhorts Christ's followers to do what? To be imitators of God as dear children, already referring to Christ's followers as God's children.

We are to follow Jesus Christ's example of love and self-sacrifice. We are continuing summarizing what's here in beginning of Ephesians 5, we are to walk as children of light. We must be producing the fruit of righteousness and truth, Paul says. And we must be redeeming the time, meaning don't be wasting those precious moments in life. Redeeming the time by choosing to submit to God willingly and gladly so. And as we humble ourselves and repent of our waywardness and sin to obey God, and then not only, Paul says here, will we be filled with God's Spirit, but we will also be joining together to encourage one another. As we imitate Christ's practice, his way of life, it's not just about us as individuals. We're doing this together. We are a family through God's Spirit in us.

And so together, we're to be joining together to encourage one another in God's ways.

And of course, God's way requires that we also be learning not only to be submitting to God, we need to be submitting to one another in the right and appropriate ways.

If you look with me here, let's look at Ephesians 5, verse 21. Kind of summary statement here of this section, imitating Christ, verse 1, and then verse 21. Paul adds this statement, submitting to one another in the fear of God. And so yes, we all have some lessons to learn about submission, about putting ourselves in subject to one another. The NIV reads, submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. And the RSV, the Revised Standard Version, says, be subject to one another out of reverence for Christ. To remind her that Christ also learned to submit. He also was submissive to the Father willingly so. And so our need to submit to one another as an aspect of our reverence and obedience to God and His authority is one of the keys that we take with us and follow. Then as we move on into verses 22 through 29, where Paul is talking about our respective roles as husbands and wives in marriage. But I'm going to have us pause here just for a moment because what we're going to see as soon as we get to verse 22 is requirement that husbands, excuse me, verse 25, we're going to see the requirement that husbands love their wives. And before I get to that point, I want to pause and take us back to hold your place here. Let's pause and go to 1 Corinthians 13. In 1 Corinthians 13, it's important that we have the concept in our minds of what love is about. True love. Not the true love we see in romantic, comedic movies about marriage.

Romances end in weddings, tragedies end in death. It's an old literary definition. God wants our marriages to be filled with joy, but based on true love, the love as He defines it. And so if we turn to 1 Corinthians 13 and we'll be reading verses 4 through 7, God is our authority. God defines what love means. It's important to understand that because people throughout time have always had different ideas about love. Many today, love is a powerful emotion. It's a powerful attraction. It's a desire for people. Just give into it. That's love.

I disagree, and I think most of us would. That's not love. That's lust. Something quite contrary to God's way of life. Scripture here reveals God's way of love is called agape. A-g-a-p-e, agape. And as we'll see as we read through this, love is a choice. It's not blind madness. It is a purposeful choice. Verse 4. Paul writes here, love suffers long and is kind. It's a choice.

Love does not envy. It's a choice. Love does not parade itself. It's not puffed up. It does not behave rudely. It does not seek its own. It's not provoked. It thinks no evil.

Verse 6. Love does not rejoice in iniquity, sin, and wickedness. This is what we're learning about in today's sermonette. But it rejoices in the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails. This is the love God wants us to have. It originates from Him in His innocence. We allow it to be used through His Holy Spirit. And God expects us, men and women, He expects his husband and wives, to exemplify, to imitate this kind of love in every way we exist. How we think, how we behave, our moods, our attitudes, and certainly in all all of our relationships. Even our relationships, even how we treat our enemies, and even when we don't feel like loving people. You know, that's one of the hardest times to love people when you really don't feel like it. But we're supposed to do it then, too. Love is a choice. We're to imitate God. And so, yes, as we're about to read, God does expect husbands and their wives to love each other with this same agape love. So let's go back now to Ephesians 5. Ephesians 5. So now we've had this larger context established of our need to love, to one another, our need to submit to one another with the understanding of God and God with reverence to God, reverence, respect to God. Now let's read Paul's specific instructions about husbands are to love their wives. We're going to start verses 25 through 29.

Husbands love your wives. Just as Christ also loved the church and gave himself for her, that he might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, that he might present her to himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish.

And so husbands ought to love their own wives as their own body, own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself, for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church.

And so when a husband, when a husband chooses to lead his wife with the same kind of love and commitment that Jesus showed the church, his wife should find it easy to follow him.

When he's loving her like that, the wives will find it so easy to follow their husbands.

She will see that he's leading with kindness and patience and without selfishness, without neglectfulness, without arrogance or any sort of heavy-handedness.

He's to lead with love because he knows that he also is under authority. The husband knows he is also under the authority of God. He too must know how to submit and put aside his own will to do God's will.

He also must choose to submit. And so the wife, as her instructions are from God, the wife must choose to love and to submit to her husbands. Let's read now, verse 22 through 24.

These are God's instructions to wives. He says, wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord, as if you're submitting to God, to Christ. For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church, and he is savior of the body. Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything.

In everything.

And so it is when the husband chooses to submit to God and accept his leadership role from God in marriage and leads with godly love.

And when the wife chooses to submit to God and accept her leadership role in marriage and to submit with godly love to her husband, they together will experience true happiness and peace in marriage and in their families.

There'll be troubles. Troubles come in this world. All sin. There'll be sins to be dealt with.

But they'll be knit together with a strong bond of God's love and respect for another.

They'll weather the storms together. They'll weather those storms together.

You see, love grows and deepens quickly when husbands and wives choose to imitate God to submit to him and his instruction and then to take up and practice their God-given roles in marriage.

And of course, it's not easy. Mistakes are made, but the commitment and the love remains, and we keep moving forward. We keep making our marriages better.

But now, before we move on, we men especially need to understand the crucial point from verse 24. And I'm speaking to the men in particular. Men must never forget that as members of that spiritual body, the church whom Christ shall marry, you as a man, you also are a wife, spiritually speaking.

You also have that responsibility of submission to God.

It's not all one way, meaning the wife just submits to me, to us, as husbands. That's not the mentality we're to have.

We must all be mindful to respect and to submit to Jesus Christ, willingly, with loving selflessness.

And now God's instruction for husbands and wives do appear in multiple places, as I reference, throughout the Bible.

In different places, God's instruction emphasizes different aspects of these responsibilities in marriage.

For example, let's look at Colossians 3.18 for some additional instruction.

Again, instruction from God.

Colossians 3, verse 18 through 19.

In here, we read, it says, wives submit to your own husbands. Other translations say, wives be subject to your own husbands. Wives aren't supposed to be subject to everybody's husband, just their own.

Just their own. Let's make no mistake about that.

Wives submit to your own husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. That idea is a matter of reverence for God, Christ. Husbands, love your wives and do not be bitter, meaning harsh toward them.

And so here Paul is inspired to warn husbands not to be harsh toward their wives. That suggests that being harsh, being too stringent on their wives, can cause exasperation in their marriage relationship. It can cause wives to feel bitter. And yes, it can cause contention, arguments. And I'm going to have some more to say about that later. Fulfilling their God-given roles in marriage with godly love, though, what we see here, is what God expects both husbands and wives to be doing. It takes both.

Let's also look at Titus 2, verses 1-5. Titus 2, verses 1-5.

Some additional instruction.

Again, from Paul.

We get the sense that this is an important topic in ancient times, a challenging topic for our brethren in those ancient days to learn and practice as well. It takes work. Titus 2, verses 1.

Paul writes, But as for you, Titus, for those who are preaching and teaching, But as for you, speak the things which are proper for sound doctrine.

And here's part of what makes for wise, sound doctrine to live by. That the older men be sober, reverent, temperate, sound in faith, in love, and in patience.

And though older women likewise, that they be reverent in behavior, not slanderers, sometimes read gossips, not given to much wine, teachers of good things.

And it seems to be that the teachers of good things, what are they to be teaching? That they admonish the young women to love their husbands and to love their children, to be discreet, chaste, homemakers, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be blasphemed.

Sometimes you might hear people say, well, I might submit to him, but I'm not going to love him. Or I might love him, but I'm not going to submit to him.

It doesn't work that way, not God's way, and neither does it work that way for men. We both have our responsibilities appropriately of submission and love.

Let's look at 1 Peter chapter 3 verse 1 through 2.

1 Peter 3 verse 1 through 2.

Here, Peter addresses an aspect, the importance of fulfilling our roles, even in those instances where we have an unbelieving mate. Here, 1 Peter 3 verse 1 through 2, Peter explains what he's telling us is that through submission to their unbelieving husbands, and without a word, in essence, without preaching to them, these wives can win their husbands over to God's way of life. It's possible for that to happen.

Peter writes, 1 Peter writes, 2 Peter writes, 3 Likewise be submissive to your own husbands, 4 that even if some do not obey the word, they without a word may be won by the conduct of their wives. 1 Peter 3 verse 1, 1 And when they observe your chase, 2 Peter 3 verse 1, meaning your respectful, your modest conduct accompanied by fear. Actually, the English Standard Version reads, 1 Peter 3 verse 1, 1 When they observe your respectful and pure conduct of the part of the wives.

2 Peter 3 verse 1, 1 And so what we learn from Peter is, 2 Peter 3 verse 1, because of their modest and respectful conduct, godly wives provided a silent message, 3 as it were, that unbelieving husbands simply cannot ignore.

They watch and they learn.

And, of course, it works the opposite way with husbands with unbelieving wives. 4 It's the way it is.

Now, I'd like for us to skip down to verse 7. I'd also like to read verse 7.

Here he says, Paul writes, husbands likewise dwell with them, dwell with them with understanding, giving honor or esteem to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered.

This verse, Paul is urging husbands to live with their wives according to the knowledge, or we might say a respectful consideration of them with understanding, realizing that they are weaker physically than they are men, and yet are joint heirs with them of God's grace and salvation.

In other words, both the husband and wife, both of them are essential in the marital relationship. They need each other. Each one needs the other.

But as far as it comes to salvation, both have the same potential, the same opportunity, to receive salvation.

Now, I do have to address how some misunderstand Paul's meaning here when he talks about the wife being the weaker vessel. There are many feminist critiques out there condemning Paul for his hatred of women, his sexism, and other things.

How dare he call the wife the weaker vessel?

It's a misunderstanding of what Paul's talking about. It's pushing in a modern idea to his ancient time. Weaker does not mean inferior. That is not what he meant. He means weaker physically.

If people are honest, we understand that men typically are stronger physically than women.

Not always. I knew some farm girls back home. They could throw those alfalfa hay bales farther than me. But it's a broad principle he's talking about. It's a broad principle. The New Living Translation helps clarify what Paul's talking about here. He says, In the same way you husbands must give honor to your wives, the New Living Translation, treat your wife with understanding as you live together. She may be weaker than you are, but she may be stronger than you. She may be weaker than you are, but she is your equal partner in God's gift of new life. Treat her as you should so your prayers will not be hindered. That's a pretty good translation for that verse. And so husbands are to dwell with their wives with knowledge, understanding how to love them without agape love, outgoing care and concern, helping their wives to grow, to become more like Christ, and so also to maintain and strengthen their own relationship with God. And Paul, in many ways, is describing the mutual strength and beauty of a husband and wife who, through humble and faithful submission to God, are doing what? They're helping one another persevere in faith unto salvation. They become a powerful team in helping one another endure unto salvation. And so these scriptures convey God's desire that husbands and wives love and respect one another. He wants them imitating the example of Christ's love for the church. He wants them both to be worthy of receiving God's gift of salvation. And again, we should understand that a godly marriage truly is a beautiful thing to behold and to see. And to conclude this particular point, let's turn to Philippians 2, verse 1 through 8. Philippians 2, verse 1 through 8. It seems very appropriate with regard. Of course, it's appropriate for every human being, every person, everyone God calls, whether you're married or not. But it has additional meaning for those who are striving to fulfill their God-given roles in marriage. Philippians 2, verse 1 through 8. Again, Paul writes, Therefore, if there is any consolation in Christ, if any comfort of love, if any fellowship of the Spirit, if any affection and mercy as there should be in a marriage, fulfill my joy by being like-minded, having the same love, being of one accord, of one mind. Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. Let each of you look out not only for his own interest, but also for the interest of others, and let this mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus, who, being in the form of God, did not consider robbery to be equal with God, but made himself of no reputation, taking the form of a bondservant and coming in the likeness of men, and then being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to the point of death, even the death of the cross. He submitted to God's will willingly and out of love, so we might have salvation. And so, really, there should be no doubt as to how husbands are repracting loving leadership in their marriage. Now, I'm not going... I can't get in the details. Do you need to pick up your socks or not? I'm not going to go there.

These are things you and your wife need to figure out.

But the foundation we're talking about is that we're all to be following Christ's example. Whether you're married or not, if you're talking marriage, it doesn't mean the sermon's not for you if you're not married, because we already know we will all one day be married. But this is broad principle of this love. We're to be practicing husbands and wives with humility, the idea of service, and loving and respect. And back in Ephesians 5.33, Paul ends this section. Paul concludes his discussion in Ephesians 5 about husbands and wives and how marriage is reflective and represents Christ's relationship with church. He ends it with this admonition to husbands and wives. And he says in Ephesians 5.33, Let each of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband. It's a team effort, a beautiful team effort. So how can husbands become better at loving their wives? And how can wives become better at respecting their husbands?

I do not stand before you as someone who has figured it all out. I'm still working on those details, and we all are, but I have the goal in mind, just like I've shared with you today. How do we husbands and wives get better? How can we understand and love one another better?

The first step is to ask God. You've got to go to God. That's where I go. We all have to go to God.

The first step is to ask God for his help in putting off our self-centered ways and putting on this mindset of Jesus Christ we've been reading about. Yes, that means prayer and fasting for a more teachable heart. It means thoughtful study of God's Word and evaluating ourselves using these very same scriptures we are reading right now today in this sermon and others I just didn't feel I could squeeze in due to time. Reading these scriptures we're going through today will help us all to see where we have some work to do where we might need to change. The second step is to recognize in ourselves any tendency to lord it over others. We have to look to see is there any tendency ask yourself is there any tendency in me to try to lord it over others especially over my spouse to try to be boss in an authoritative inappropriate way over my spouse and if there is then we need to learn to stop it. You know there's a very clear direction about lording it over others. Let's look at Mark 10 verse 42. Mark chapter 10 verse 42. We're reminded here that Jesus time after time had to keep pausing to make very clear to his followers that he wanted them to be serving. He did not want them to become big-headed people that think they were there to be served. They were there to serve. And here in Mark 10 verse 42 through 45 just breaking into the narrative. It's probably familiar to all of us. We see again the 12 disciples were arguing about who would be greatest in the kingdom of God. They thought Christ's kingdom was coming really soon and they wanted to have that first spot right hand and left hand that James and John are asking in him. But here's Jesus' instruction. The other disciples found out what James and John had asked and they got in a fight. Well, he doesn't say a fight. They were ignignant. It's kind of hard to get behind that. What does that mean? Were they really yelling at each other? I don't know. But here's what Jesus said. Jesus called them to himself. He said, men, come here. And he said to them, you know that those who are considered rulers you know that those who are considered rulers over the Gentiles lord it over them. And their great ones exercise authority over them. Yet it shall not be among you, but whoever desires to become great among you shall be your servant. And whoever of you desires to be first shall be slave of all. For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve and to give his life a ransom for many. Now this Greek word, and I'm tempted to skip it because I'm going to butcher it, katakouryou, I think it got close, probably not. If you're a Greek scholar out there listening and don't text me, it's okay. I know I butchered it. But this Greek word translated as to lord it over someone, the meaning it means to dominate, to take direct control over someone.

In English, among our idioms, it means to act in a domineering or superior manner toward others.

To lord it over means to dominate, to be, I guess my own terms I'd say, to be pushy, to make people do what you want them to do.

Jesus's followers are not to do that. That's not the approach they're to take. Do Jesus's followers do that? Yes, we slip up. We do things we really should not do. If we're smart, we catch ourselves in time and stop it, or we go back and make apologies. But we're not to be lording it over others. We're not to be beating others over the head with scriptures. We certainly shouldn't be doing it to our husbands or to our wives. That's not the appropriate use of scripture. You should be having conversations, reasoning with them, or even as we've already discussed, you don't have to say a word sometimes. Live a sermon instead of preach a sermon. Sometimes we're told. And whether we're married or not, our attitude and approach is to be one of service, of laying down our lives for others, not to bully, not to force, not to coerce, not to browbeat others into submission, so they do what we want them to do. And frankly, I think we all understand, we should understand, that is not how we're to be treating our spouse who we love with the same love, who we love with the same love Christ has for the church, the love He has for us. Now, third step.

A third step. We need to dwell with our spouses with understanding. We need to dwell with our spouses with understanding. Now, the leading reason for divorce in the United States, I don't know if you know this. I didn't. I didn't expect it. I thought the leading cause of divorce in the United States is financial problems. That's not true anymore. The leading reason for divorce in the United States is not financial problems. It's not infidelity or adultery, which we might expect in society we're living today. And neither is it alcohol or drug use. The greatest reason for divorce is daily arguing. I was surprised. The leading reason for divorce today is daily arguing, aka also known as disagreements, fights, and contentions. Now, the Bible supports the fact that contention and arguing between a husband and wife can be a problem. There are a number of scriptures, but I want to turn to Proverbs 15 and 17. You can look up those other scriptures on your own if you'd like about wives and husbands. Proverbs 15 verse 17 reveals that marital strife was a problem in ancient times as well. This is not a modern-day contemporary issue.

It's been happening since recorded time in history. Here we read Proverbs 15 verse 17. It says, better is a dinner of herbs. Do you say herbs or herbs?

Oh, don't get in a fight about that with your husband or wife. Better is a dinner of herbs where love is than a fatted calf with hatred. Better have a little bit of salad, no meat, than a great big feast with hatred. And there's a companion scripture. Let's look at Proverbs 17 verse 1. It essentially says the same thing a little more parched way. Proverbs 17 verse 1 reads, Better is a dry morsel with quietness than a house full of feasting with strife. You know what just occurred to me? You know, in this country in America, we have so much wealth. We have so many huge houses, mansions, people, cars, clothing, jewelry, you name it.

And yet, we have so many people miserable, not married, or in divorce, and they have the fat food, they have the fat houses, so to speak, and they're miserable. They're not doing marriage right. They're not doing marriage right. These Proverbs do not describe, I think, I do not think they describe a happy home filled with marital bliss. The bliss that comes of peace and love between a husband and wife. That sort of relationship is better than lots of good food or rich surroundings. Husbands and wives both bear responsibility for making their marriage and their home one of love and peace. And I know we all want to do that, and that's part of what we're talking about today. How can we do that now? Now, based on what we've learned from the New Testament, we know that when there's trouble at home or in the families, we can now understand that there's the reasons probably go back to two very broad reasons. Based on what we've learned from the New Testament so far, we could surmise that trouble and families occur because husbands are not loving their wives as they should, and or, and or, that wives are not being respectful or submissive to their husbands. So how could living with better understanding, remember we were told 1 Peter 3.7 to have better understanding and living with the wife, the weaker vessel, I think it can go the opposite way. We need better understanding, husbands and wives, and one another. So how could better understanding between spouses alleviate arguing, coralling, and marriage?

And how could it help enhance our peace and harmony? Because we all would like more of that.

Well, among my research for this sermon, I read two short books, two short books by a woman named Shanti Feldhahn. She's a popular writer and social researcher, and she has a Christian worldview.

She does believe Scripture is God's authority. Her findings from her research have been featured on Focus on the Family and also the New York Times. Now one book is entitled For Women Only what you need to know about the inner lives of men. It's very insightful. I'm going to read from it here in a little bit. In a second book she co-authored with her husband, Jeff, it's entitled For Men Only, a Straightforward Guide to the Inner Lives of Women.

And so her research was gathered from various surveys and interviews of married heterosexual couples. You have to make that disclaimer nowadays. Surveys and interviews of married heterosexual couples. And her research provides insights that can help husbands understand their wives, and it can help wives understand their husbands, because we do need, we always need to understand things better. Well first, let's share with you some of what Feldhahn learned about husbands. What she learned about husbands. In short, if I could summarize what her research revealed to her about husbands, it's this. She says most husbands don't understand how to love their wives. Okay, quit shaking your heads. But I would agree. Yeah, I don't quite know how to do that either. Most husbands don't understand how to love their wives. And wouldn't this be a good thing to know? Yes, it would be. Remember, what does God command husbands to do? Love your wives. Of course, we love them God's way, but there's a lot of detail that we need to learn that God doesn't specifically state in Scripture. And so, for men only, co-author Jeff Feldhahn, here's part of what he tells his husband, and I'm not going to read for this. I went ahead and wrote it out so I could read it without squinting too badly. For men only, here's what her co-author, her husband, Jeff Feldhahn, tells husbands in the book, because he speaks to the man-to-man. He tells husbands, he says, I know it sounds crazy that your wife might ever wonder whether you love her, especially when things are going fine. But it turns out your I do husbands actually didn't bring permanent emotional closure forever, putting her mind to rest about your feelings for her.

That I do you took at marriage, it does not erase the insecurity about your love that lies, that lives, excuse me, that lives under the surface, and even the most happily married woman, and insecurity that, when triggered, becomes a deeply felt uncertainty. Do you still love me?

The research says women are constantly going back to that question. She's wondering, are we okay? But he says, he tells husbands, but we're not talking about what she knows logically, but rather about the feelings that rise up when something triggers it.

And so, from what they learned that wives know their husbands love them, but they have to feel it.

When I said I do, I'm speaking as a man, probably and as a fool, when I said I do, I've never doubted, my wife said, I've never doubted her love for me. But that's not the way, apparently, women are. We are wired inside our heads differently. Jeff Elnam explains his surprise at how frequently wives have these feelings of insecurity about their husband's love. He writes, whereas most guys coast along, rarely thinking about the health of their relationship, so true, it is on a woman's mind whether she wants it to be or not.

The research shows seven out of every ten women said that their relationship and how their man felt about them was anywhere from occasionally to nearly always on their minds. Seven out of ten, seventy percent. I don't know how it would be in our very little little church community. I don't know if that would be the same, but it is interesting. Moreover, wives' feelings of insecurity can be intensely painful. Feldenstag on a survey, eight out of ten women agreed, saying that this, does he really love me, concern, left them feeling anxious, preoccupied, emotionally withdrawn, unvalued, or depressed. And most of these were affected in visible ways.

And finally, it's irrelevant whether she should know logically that she's loved. If she doesn't feel loved, it's the same for her as if she isn't loved. Now, this is for husbands, because husbands don't typically think the same way. We're not hardwired as they say the same way. And so what we're learning is that wives need to be reassured. They need to have that reaffirmation of their husband's love. They have to feel that their husbands love them. It goes beyond just saying the words. So what should husbands then do once their insecurity has been triggered? And she's wondering, does he really love me? Felden says to keep reassuring her. Keep reassuring her of your love. A wife needs continual affirmation and reassurance of that husband's love. And during those times when wives are upset and prickly, husbands should not only hug the porcupine, but they've got to pursue the porcupine.

Now, most men will typically pull away from their wives when they're upset.

Life gets upset. She marches off. The husband thinks, okay, I'm leaving that alone. But they're suggesting that that's the opposite direction men need to be going. That's the time to show your wife. Use wisdom. That's the time to show your wife that you are pursuing her. You do want to fix things. You do want to make things right. So men will typically pull away from their wives when they're upset, and that's how guys naturally think and react. But now again, husbands need to show more understanding for the wives by being with them when they most need their reassurance of love and attention. And so gentlemen, you ever want to be courageous? You want to be that knight in shining armor? You've got to hug and pursue the porcupine. You've got to hug and pursue the porcupine. And I'm speaking in a mirror. I'm speaking to myself as well. So this little bit of knowledge, and this is just a tidbit of so much we could talk about, it can help us at least begin to grasp how we might better love our wives, gentlemen, with understanding. We need to learn how to love our wives the way God made them to be loved. God made them to be loved in a certain way by their husbands. And yeah, Ephesians 5, 25, husbands love your wives just as Christ also loved the church and gave himself for her. Now it's a wife's turn. We ready? Wife's turn.

Shanti Feldheim's research reveals that most wives—this is important, this—I was surprised.

Her research reveals that most wives don't understand how important it is for husbands to feel respected. Most wives don't understand how important it is for husbands to feel respected. And again, isn't this good to know? Because what are wives told to do?

Respect your husbands. Be subject to them.

She discovered—Shanti Feldheim and her research discovered—and this was shocking, but I immediately got it. I said, yeah. She discovered that for most husbands, respect means even more to him than the wife's affection. That's a different way wives may see it.

Husband—for husbands, most husbands—for most husbands, respect means even more to him than the wife's affection. Feldheim tells her women readers, she says, while it may seem foreign to us, ladies, the male need for respect and affirmation, especially from his woman, is so hardwired and so critical that three out of four men would rather feel unloved than disrespected or inadequate. In other words, if he had to choose, a man would give up feeling that his wife loved him if he could just feel that she respected him. In other words, a man equates the two. If he feels disrespected, he is going to feel unloved.

And so if you want to love your man in the way he needs to be loved, then you need to ensure that he feels your respect most of all.

And this is interesting. Her research is showing this. Her science is showing her this, and this is what God's been telling us through Paul for two millennia. Isn't that amazing?

Really not amazing, but it's amazing that science is finally catching up.

So how are wives to know when they've disrespected their husbands?

That's a good guess, isn't it? You know, husbands don't often tell their wives, you're disrespecting me. I don't know if many husbands would ever say that. But Feldman tells wives this. She tells wives that if your husband's angry at something you said or done and you don't understand the cause, there's a good chance that he is feeling the pain or humiliation. And notice that men can easily feel humiliated. He's feeling the pain or humiliation of your disrespect. In fact, she adds, more than 80 percent of men, four out of five, said in a conflict they were likely to be feeling disrespected. Whereas we girls, she says, are far more likely to be willing, he doesn't love me. And so men react with anger. Women react typically with crying, severe emotion. And Sue Weisfelden says, just as you need the man in your life to love you unconditionally, even when you're not particularly lovable or prickly, your man needs you to demonstrate your respect to him, regardless of whether he's meeting your expectations at the moment. Often, we women will naturally say, I love you, but at the same time, want to control things. This is this researcher talking to other wives. Unfortunately, she says, we naturally say, I love you, but at the same time, want to control things. She says, men tend to interpret this as disrespect and distrust, which sometimes it is. But marriage invites all of us to place the other person's needs above our own. He's required to do that, too. Remember, these are her words, not mine. And it does tremendous things for your man, she says, to know that you are choosing to respect him. Respect is a choice. Just as love is a choice. And so, in other words, she says, choosing to trust, appreciate, admire, believe in, and honor him is to respect him. And, of course, follow through and do what he would like you to do. And so, Feldenbein's research seems to support what we've read in Scripture about the wife's leadership role, doesn't it? She needs to love her husband by respecting him and willingly subjecting herself to his leadership. Her effort is vital for their marriage so that the husband feels and indeed is respected by his wife, just as God requires. You see, these are God's requirements. These are not, as the world would say, some men created these rules, and it's meant to keep women down, to subjugate them, to keep them as chattel, to keep them in shackles. No, it's been misused and abused by men and others through centuries since time began, well, since Adam and Eve, possibly, but certainly not God's intent.

And so, when we do all their spouses and then with understanding, a little better understanding about our inner lives, as these are Jeff and Shanti Feld, I'll call it, we have a better understanding of our inner lives and we have a better understanding of our needs as men and women, our motivations, that God has apparently hardwired into us as men and women. When we have that understanding, then we can choose to have more love. We could choose to have more happiness and peace in our marriages. And that's what God desires. Now, this doesn't mean it's easy, does it?

Anything... what did dad always say? Anything worth having in life is worth working for. Mom said it, too.

It takes work. And the good news for us, we have the instruction, we have the example of Christ, we have the example of godly men and women in the Bible who did it right and who did it wrong, and we can go to our Father in heaven and Jesus Christ who understands these things and He is willing to help us. He's eager to help us. And so I know that's a lot of information to cover today, and I'm probably going to get email. Well, how do you know if you're disrespecting your husband? How do you know? I don't know. Not always. But this is what we need to talk to our spouses about in a godly, humble way. How can we help each other become better in our marriage roles so that together we can become better, be more like Christ, and help each other, not just us in our little family unit, but then reach out and be able to help other people everywhere so we can become better prepared to be kings and priests in God's kingdom. And so when husbands and wives choose to lovingly submit to the roles God has established in marriage, they will be learning how to submit to God, ultimately. Loving relationships between husbands and wives teach us much. Don't ever forget this. Our loving relationships between husbands and wives teach us much about the relationship of Christ to His Church. And when we choose to practice love and choose to respect one another, we will be building happy relationships now and with a far deeper understanding of God's way, which will last forever. And so it is whether we're married or not, we need to remember that Jesus Christ is coming to do what? He's coming to marry the Church. And so we must all be learning to love and to submit to God and to one another now and always. We will all be married one day.

So let us take to heart God's instruction and let us be preparing ourselves for that glorious day and that wonderful marriage of the Lamb.