A Better Family and Marriage Through Respect and Love

A lot of PowerPoint presentations, as you probably know, but the last time I was here, I think I did a PowerPoint presentation on the feast in Sri Lanka and in India. And I thought that would give you kind of a better idea of feeling, be able to see the pictures and that type of thing, of the reality of what's going on over there.

But I've got a message today that I'd like to talk about family, I'd like to talk about marriage. And I think it will be helpful to be able to visualize a few things on the screen. You know, for those of us that have been married, you know, we had a very, very optimistic ideal, I think, when it came to getting married. And let's talk about, though, a little about the reality.

The title of the message today is, A Better Marriage and Family Through Love and Respect. You know, when we talk about statistics and a little bit, it kind of depends on who you talk to. But it ranges anywhere from either four, I mean, when it comes to 10 couples saying, I do, how many of them are going to actually stay together? You know, the percentages, it depends on who you talk to, the sources that you look to.

But anywhere from four of the, or up to four or five of the 10, possibly nearly half will not last. They will not last. Anywhere from 40 to 50 percent of marriages will not last. And that's a very sobering statistic, isn't it? It's a very sad statistic in a way because we know that what God has in mind is good. Everything He designed is good. Now, as we look at these, that half will end in divorce or possibly up to half.

What about the other five or the other six, I guess, depending on the source? What about the other five that stay together? What do the statistics say? What happens with them? How many of them have a great marriage? The marriage that they dreamed of when they began to start their journey together at the time that they said, I do.

Well, again, depending upon who you talk to, the statistics. Statistics say that of those four or five that do last, really only one is truly, ultimately, happy that they are having a thriving marriage in that sense. And so, the other four that are left of those five that stay together, the other four, where do they stand?

Well, what they have is really a marriage of something less than a happy, fulfilled and thriving marriage. And so, this other group that still does stay together, they fall anywhere from being really not very happy at all and miserable to possibly being short of having a happy and thriving marriage. And I suppose that, you know, there's everywhere in the middle. Some are just trying to survive. Some are just trying to stay together. They're trying to keep the peace as best that they can.

They may simply coexist. They may not try to rock the boat, so to speak. So, this is the group, in a sense, the other four, I suppose, that I'd really like to focus on in the message today, because I think statistically, you know, we in the Church of God are not so far removed from the statistics of the rest of the culture of our time.

I think when people say, I do, they sincerely believe from their hearts that they are going to be perfectly happy. That this is just going to be the ultimate marriage, in a sense, and that this is going to be just the beginning of the rest of their life.

For presto, we've said, I do, and we are going to be totally happy from here on forward. And I think most people really sincerely believe that, only to find, sometimes, only within a matter of days, in some cases, or weeks, or months, that true happiness is not automatic.

It doesn't just happen automatically. You know, when I look back in my own marriage, we started out well, but then there were certain issues that began to develop. As you begin to know each other more perfectly, more succinctly, more intimately. And so, you know, and I have to admit that I thought I was prepared, but when I entered into marriage, I really didn't have a lot of understanding about really what it takes to have a thriving marriage, to have a happy marriage.

You know, they don't teach that in school. They don't. It's not a topic that you'll see in high school or college. It's fascinating, yet a very, very important relationship. And so I had little training. I had little or no idea. I had little understanding. I had some, but I had very little of what it takes to have a thriving marriage.

I didn't really know what it took to truly make my wife happy. And I think a lot of couples are in the same boat. You know, so much planning sometimes goes in for the big day, but not as much planning goes in to the rest of their life or each day thereafter. Why are so many couples failing to find the enjoyment from their marriages that God intended? Because that's exactly what He designed and what He intended. Why is it? Well, certainly the media doesn't help us any, but media or not, I think the truth of the matter is that marriage is not necessarily easy.

It takes work. Two people with their own likes, two people with their own ways of doing things, two people with their own family backgrounds, two people with their own personalities trying to become one. You know, I think, and most people I think did not grow up around seeing a good marriage. If these statistics are anything close to reality among those of us in the church, a lot of us did not necessarily see a good example or a godly example of a happy marriage.

Even in the church, I've talked with some teens at pre-teen camp that have said, I have never seen a good example in my family of a good marriage. And so we often learn to imitate what we see.

We imitate what we hear because that's all we've ever known. That's what was happening under the roof of the house that we grew up in. We didn't know how to make a great marriage and how much work it would take necessarily to have one. And so we go by what we've seen and what we've heard. Now, some of you, even though you didn't have necessarily good examples, have been able to break the cycle that you maybe didn't have a good example that you saw, and you were able to break that cycle.

Now, Jelinda and I have been married, believe it or not, for 22 years. It doesn't seem that long, but, you know, the time goes by rather quickly. And I can only speak for myself, but I wasn't well-equipped. I wasn't well-equipped to know what to do. How to be a good husband. You know, I just thought you got married in an alpresto, a changeo, you know? Everything just goes great from there. That was possibly a very unrealistic expectation. But we've worked hard on our marriage, and we've made a lot of great progress.

We've got a good marriage. We're trying to have a great one. But I think we've gotten to the point where we've got a good marriage now. And I don't know if anyone's got a perfect marriage. I don't think it's out there, and that exists because I think no matter whether you've been married one day, one year, or 70 years, there's always more to do in order to have that great marriage. So today, what I'd like to do in the time that we've got left together is I'd like to go through God's Word. I'd like to go through a few basic Scriptures, things that maybe we've heard before, but they're very simple.

They're very elementary, but then that's the way God's way is. It's simple, and it's elementary. The trouble sometimes that we have with it is implementing it. It can be very simple, but sometimes the implementation is the difficult part. Implementing it and living it, and that makes all the difference. It makes a powerful difference. So yes, marriages do take work. They're not easy. So the title of the message today, if you didn't write it down already, is a better marriage and family through love and respect. You know, before I get too far along the way, some of you may be tempted to tune out because you're not married yet, or you were married and your spouse is now gone.

But I'd like you to encourage to stay tuned, because if you're not married yet, these will be very, very important things for you to hear that some of the rest of us that have gotten married and never heard these things wish we would have heard them. And so, in a sense, you'll have a head start. And for those of you that are married at this time, hopefully this will be helpful to you, because our job is never done in order to work towards a vitalized marriage in that sense.

And if you're no longer married, you know we still have the responsibility, don't we? Either to share some of God's principles on marriage with either our children or our grandchildren, or if we're going to be kings and priests in the kingdom of God, we've got to be able to teach some of these godly concepts of marriage when it comes to Jesus Christ coming back to the earth and begins a thousand year period working with human beings and teaching them God's way of life.

So hopefully this will apply to all of us here. Let's take a look here. First scripture, the scriptures will be on screen, but you may want to look them up and follow them in your own Bible there on the table in front of you. So let's take a look at some basic understandings of marriage. If we look at Matthew 19 and verse 4, we understand and begin to read from scripture that it is a holy union.

That this is a union that has been ordained by God. It's a holy union. It's been ordained by God and set apart by God. When two people take a marriage vow, it is bound by their creator. Christ is speaking here. Look in the context here. He's being questioned about divorce and he answers some of the people with this. He said, haven't you read that he who made them at the beginning made them male and female? Their question was, someone so had so many... there was one woman that had several different brothers and in the kingdom whose spouse or whose wife would she be.

And so he says, haven't you read? Nothing's changed. That he who made them at the beginning made them male and female. And for this reason, a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife and the two shall become one. Flesh. He says, nothing's changed. He's quoting back in Genesis. He says, nothing's changed in all these years. This is approximately four thousand years after that original statement was made in Genesis. And now Jesus is on the scene in the flesh four thousand years later.

He says, haven't you read? Nothing's changed. He who made them at the beginning made them male and female. And for this reason, a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife and the two shall become one. Flesh. So then they are no longer two. Fascinating. He's talking about this concept of oneness.

They are no longer two. And Jesus adds that that part wasn't in Genesis chapter two. He goes on to say, he emphasizes, so they're no longer two, but one. Therefore, what God has joined together, let not man separate. So we see that the two become one. So here in Matthew, we see Christ's own words showing that in the beginning, he's quoting Genesis chapter two, that God created this. This wasn't somebody's idea. This wasn't any human being's idea. This was God's design right from the beginning. Man did not create marriage. God did. This institution is not man-made. It's created divinely. And so if that is the case, that it was created by God, it was set apart by God, made special by God.

Therefore, only God, as the originator and as the author of marriage, is qualified to define the rules. Only God is qualified to define the rules and the keys for how a marriage can be successful and bring true joy and true happiness. And our loving God doesn't leave us to guess as to how we can ultimately have a wonderful marriage. Marriage, He lays down principles for us in the Scriptures. And like all of His teachings, if we follow and practice those things, those principles, then good things will happen. It's guaranteed. That's the way God's way works.

Marriage can be exciting. It can be happy. It can be successful. And something that both couples can delight from and benefit from, but only if we follow the formula that God lays out in Scripture.

On the flip side, if we decide not to follow those principles, not to follow those things in Scripture, whether it's because we either ignore them or we simply don't know or have never been taught, it will result in problems. It will result in pain, sorrow, and basically unhappiness. God is not mocked. He's not a liar. It's His way and His way only that works. Let's go to the next Scripture here, Malachi 2, verse 14. We talk about a covenant. We talk about a marriage covenant. And, you know, covenant is not a word that we use a lot in our modern vernacular in English, but basically it's an disagreement. It's a promise that two parties enter into that they make a promise to each other. And also, when it comes to the marriage covenant, we are actually making a promise to God of what we will do to our spouse. That we will fulfill the role or the Scriptures that God has given to us, and we promise that we will do certain things to our spouse. It says the covenant of marriage here, Malachi 2, verse 14. It says, You know, when we enter into this covenant, for those of us that are married, with each other, we make that promise orally. And we make it in the presence of witnesses. You know, there are people that are sitting there at the wedding, and they're hearing. And God says, I was also there. I'm the one that bound you together. I was present, and I am a witness as well. But He says, yet you say, for what reason? Because the Lord has been witness between you and the wife of your youth, with whom you have dealt treacherously, and yet she is your companion. And your wife noticed by covenant. So God is, in a sense, focusing on the men here in this particular section of Scripture. Verse 15, but did He not make them one? So we talk about this oneness again, not only in Genesis 2, but in Matthew that we read, and also here in Malachi. But He did not make them one having a remnant of the Spirit, and why one? Because He seeks godly offspring. God is starting a family. He's wanting to have spiritual sons and daughters. That's huge! In fact, that's why this whole creation has come into play. That's why God started it all. He had this in mind before He created the heavens and the earth. In fact, He created the heavens and the earth because He was beginning to have and start a family. And so He, in a sense, He utilizes human beings to have godly offspring. And why one? He seeks godly offspring. Huge responsibility to raise God's children.

It's a huge responsibility. Therefore, take heed to your Spirit, and let none deal treacherously with the wife of His youth.

Family. Sometimes we don't, I think, have a correct understanding of what a family is. Family. Family begins with a husband and a wife. A new family has started, even before they have children. I know a lot of people think, well, we're not a family until we have children. That's not the case. A family begins with just a husband and wife. They are family. Now it grows as each particular person is born, and it continues to expand.

But it's the two. Husband and wife, or mother and father, that are the center. And children are not necessarily at the center of the family. Now dads can do a lot to let the children know how important the mother is. For instance, when dad arrives home, he can greet the children. He can say hello to the children. He can hug the children. But then he can say, but now let me turn my attention and greet mom here. And spend some special time with mom, because the children then begin to see that mother is very special to dad.

Children will always delight in seeing their father, but also they'll delight in knowing that mom is very special to dad, and that mom is important. There are ways that we as husbands or fathers can do that in a family. For instance, maybe, gentlemen, a date night. Now I know that sometimes life happens when we have a hard time scheduling those types of things. But you know, that sends a message not only to our wives, that we're still dating them, because we care for them, we love them, but also the children begin to realize, wow, dad and mom have a special relationship.

And so a date night where the children can go to grandma's or grandpa's or the aunts or the uncles, but maybe think about reserving a time, maybe once or twice a month, to have a date night where you as a husband, or I as a husband, spend time alone with our wives, with her. Have special time with her. And even we can do that during the week. You know, there are some thoughts that when you come home in the evening, sometimes things can get busy. Maybe just take five or ten minutes of your evening to sit with your wife on the couch. Couch time.

Where the children just understand, you know, they've already been engaged, and you are engaging with them in the evening, but that they understand that, hey, you know, mom and I just need a few minutes with each other. To talk about our day, to talk about the present, and maybe to talk about the future. Have special time with our wives with no interruption from the children, or it's totally directed towards each other in conversation, just between the two of you. A child can have a special toy, or they can have homework, or what have you, but they understand this begins to become a possible thing. It's a possible way for them to see and to observe that there's a specialness between mom and dad. They care for one another. So we see some of these things that can be done.

When a child sees that the two most important people in their lives are comfortable with each other, they care for each other, and they love each other. That is going to circumvent a lot of potential problems down the road, because what they have in their life is a peace and a calmness. You know, if you want to have a calm child, or maybe change the behavior of a child that maybe isn't calm, when children see love between two parents, this has been documented that that begins to change the dynamics of the child. There begins to be a peace, there begins to be a calm. There are sleeping problems that are improved. There are less nightmares. There are less times of waking up in the night. There are less tantrums, and there is improved behavior. These are all things that have been documented. Children thrive when there is peace between parents.

Let's turn to Genesis 2, verse 18.

Genesis 2, verse 18.

These are some of the words that Christ was quoting in Matthew, but in verse 18, we're going to focus here, Genesis 2, verse 18.

It says, Now God knows how to make things good. In fact, as we go through the days of creation, and we know that mankind was the pinnacle of creation at the end, in fact, this was all done for him so that God could have sons and daughters. And in all of the other days when God was done with creating, he said, But when he was done with the man, before he created the woman, he said, You know what? It's not good that man should be alone.

I'm going to make a helper comparable to him. So notice it wasn't good that man was alone. Creation wasn't complete. Men and women were not designed to be alone. Right from the beginning. Men, we were lacking. We were not complete. We needed someone to help us. Someone that was comparable to us. We needed a helper. And of course, women are not complete either. She needs what a man brings to the relationship. We live in a world that is attacking and rejecting God's institution. It's all around us. And the same-sex ruling of the Supreme Court is just going to take that even further down the road. We're going to see other things that we haven't even yet seen that are going to come from that decision. But we live in an age or a world that is attacking and rejecting God's ordained marriage institution. And also the roles that God gave to us.

Notice God said He would make man a helper. He made a woman who was comparable to Him. The King James Version says, a help meet for Him. The New Living Translation says, a helper who is just right for Him. The Adam Clark Commentary says, literally, a helper would be translated one like himself or as himself standing opposite to or before Him.

Now, the age in which we live, the world in which we live, is basically rejecting both men and women's roles, the wife's role in the relationship. Because mankind as a whole misunderstood this great relationship and partnership that God has created and has long oppressed the wives and treated them in inferior weight. We can't just seem to find the balance. You know, on the left-hand side, you see men oppressed women. And they have! They have! Throughout many cultures in history, they have oppressed women. But they said that women don't stack up to us. That women are inferior to us. And so they make selfish decisions. Serve Me! Women's opinion doesn't matter. Her thoughts don't matter. It's not what God says. She is a help me. She's there as an advisor to help. And then we have the other ditch on the other side where the women have these comments. You've probably heard them. Have you seen them in print? Maybe even had them yourself. Oh, we don't need men! Or no man is going to tell me what to do. Why should he be the leader? Why should he be in charge? And so we have these ditches here. We would go from one side to another.

But you know, God doesn't say those things. He doesn't say that women are inferior. He doesn't say that. God defines the roles and He defines the family order. He's the one that created it. He did appoint man as the leader of the family. But it wasn't good that we were alone and we needed a helper. And in order to make it good, God created a partner to help us.

And she plays a vitally important role in the family. No less important than the husbands. It's just different. But it's vital. In the way that God designed marriage to be, the woman would never want to reject the loving authority above her and cast it off. Because it would be a needed blessing for her. The same for a man. The role a woman is meant to play in a relationship is a needed role and should be a blessing for us and for our family, our children. You know, mankind is the problem. We are the problem. Not the roles that God set up and not the way that He set them up.

The woman is not inferior. And Scriptures back that up. 1 Peter 3, verse 7. 1 Peter 3, verse 7. This is a Scripture that a lot of times is used by men to say that their women are inferior. But that's not what it's saying here at all. Not at all. Women are not inferior. It says, Husbands likewise dwell with them, referring to their wives, with understanding. Understand that she brings things to the table. Understand that she's different than you. Understand that God has made her as a helper for you to see things that you don't see. And vice versa, man has his role as well. Dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife.

Now, it doesn't say dwell with them with understanding and disrespect her because she's the weaker vessel. It doesn't say that, does it? It says, Honor her. And when we look at that Greek word honor, it's talking about what we understand. To esteem someone highly.

To honor. As the weaker vessel. Now, we understand that, generally speaking, this isn't true all across the board, but generally speaking, men are physically stronger than women. God designed it that way. We talk about these vessels. We're all vessels because Christ said about Peter, Dan and Ios, you know, he's a chosen vessel to me. You know, I don't want to go see Paul because I've heard he's been, he's been killing or, you know, bringing Christians in. And Paul had a vision on the road. And then he said, I had an eye, so I want you to go to Paul. He said, I don't want to go. I've heard bad things about him. Are you sure? Yes. He's a chosen vessel. We're all vessels, men and women. And by the way, we are not very strong vessels. But we are different. God seems to have made the men generally physically stronger. But when we talk about vessels, we have differences between vessels. You know, I can have a beer stein on here that I can slam on the podium. And nothing's going to happen. It's going to continue to be able to serve a wonderful purpose of drinking beer. Or you can have a crystal wine glass. I should have brought these because I have both of them. On the other hand, which is very precious, extremely valuable, it serves a vital role of drinking wine. But I can tell you, if you clash those two together, which one is probably not going to make out of the two? Most likely the crystal wine glass is going to be shattered. And so God says, understand that. Men, she has a vital role, no less important than yours. And gentlemen, what God is saying, honor her as the weaker vessel. What happened to chivalry? What happened to the time when we opened the door for our wives? Or because of the strength that we use for good? To help people that aren't quite as strong as we are. You know, we talk about meekness and we touched on this in the past. What meekness is, so people try to put that in the same sentence with weakness.

I'll tell you a story. I may have told you this, but in case I haven't, or those of you here that haven't heard it, to try to illustrate what meekness is.

There was a young man who was trying to make money for college, so he was cleaning out horse stalls. He was used to going into the stalls of the older horses, and, you know, he would feed them, and he'd clean up the mess that they make, and clean up the dirty straw and put fresh straw and bedding out. And one time he went into the stall of a young colt. What he didn't realize was the colt was not used to having somebody in the stall. And so this young colt, when he was in there, you know, not thinking about what he was doing, clanging the barrels and the buckets and all of that, all of a sudden that colt lifted up its hind leg and kicked him right in the chest.

Well, he was lucky. It knocked the wind out of him, and he thought, maybe it's cracked some ribs, but it surprised him at how much power that this young colt had. Well, he could continue to do this for another couple of summers, and it was a couple of summers later that he saw this same colt, who was now a stallion with a lot more power, a lot more strength, being able to be turned either to the left or to the right with the gentle tug of rain. All of this power under control. In a sense, that's what meekness is. It's power under control, where you would never use the greater strength that you have to harm anyone unnecessarily. But come to the aid of those that don't have the strength, those that don't have the power that you are to help them to be a savior, to be a hero. You know, we men have a pretty important role, don't we? But it's not because we're strong. God gave us that strength to use for good. And by the way, women have strength in other areas that we don't have. They have gifts in other areas that we don't have. Does that mean that we are less valuable as men? No. No, it doesn't. We all have God-given strengths. We all have God-given differences. And they are used for the good of the family.

Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding. I think some Scriptures say, according to knowledge. So when we begin to understand this, it begins to change the choices that we make as husbands. Dwell with them according to understanding, giving honor to the wife as the weaker vessel.

And notice, being heirs together. We have the same potential. To be sons of God in His family. Being heirs together of the grace of life. And having this understanding and dwelling together according to this understanding. And being heirs together and understanding all that. That your prayers be not hindered because they can be. It can affect our spiritual life. When we don't follow the principles that God says will work. We decide on our own. We go off in a different direction. Our prayers will be hindered. Our life will be affected. That's just the way it works. And since God loves us, He doesn't want us to go down that path. He wants us to choose a path that works.

Let's go to Galatians chapter 3. Galatians chapter 3 verse number 27.

And women are not inferior. And we've been surrounded by culture and an age and a history where that has been proclaimed. Notice where heirs together. Galatians chapter 3 verse 27. For as many of you as were baptized into Christ have put on Christ. So the words begin to live as He lives. He's in us. Verse 28. There is neither Jew nor Greek. There is neither slave nor free. There is neither male nor female. For you are all one in Christ.

We have the same potential. We are mankind.

So why does this matter?

You know, it's true that God did not give us the same and equal roles in the family. That is true. There are differences. But these roles are for our good. And when we each do our individual part, it produces something good. It produces joy. It produces happiness that can't come if we don't. Christ Himself gave of Himself completely, didn't He? He's an example. He humbled Himself. He became a servant. And the role that we play as servants in our family, the roles that we play don't define our value.

Not only do we have different roles, there are differences between men and women. We've got different roles. God made us differently. And those differences, though, make us better when we work together. And by the way, those differences were given to us from God. Those differences. You know, not always, but generally speaking, a woman tends to have more tenderness than a man does. It's a God-equality, though. Tenderness is a God-equality. He has that. Generally speaking, He's given it to women more than He has to men. He's given more of abundance in women. And there's other qualities besides tenderness that God has given to women that they are to use for the good of the family. It's the same for men. God has given men certain qualities that He did not put into women, generally speaking, in the same quantities or the same ways. And in order to have a great marriage, we have to begin to learn. And we have to begin to understand and appreciate those differences. Actually love those differences because we realize that they are actually vital to the well-being of ourselves and of the family.

Remember, it wasn't good that man didn't have a helper.

We often say our better half. We often say that, don't we? And that suggests that there are really two halves that make up a whole.

And so, each have been given different strengths to the relationship.

Two becoming ones. Quite a process, but it's a oneness that God is talking about here. Let's turn over to Ephesians 5. Ephesians 5, verse 33. There's an important Scripture here. There's an important principle here that actually, among other things, Ephesians 5 is a section of Scripture that is often, when we make these covenant vows, that we're talking about these are some of the things that we're willing to do. This is our part of the agreement, our part of the covenant. Let's take a look here at what is shared here. God did not give us the gift of marriage without giving us the keys to have a great marriage. So this is an important Scripture here, and I'm still trying to learn it myself. It's still something I'm trying to wrap my mind around here. This is the New Living Translation, so it may be a little different if you've got the New King James or some other translation, but I like the New Living Translation. Because I think it says it rather well here. The whole chapter in Ephesians 5 has a lot of helpful instructions on marriage, but we'll focus here just on verse 33. Again, this is New Living Translation. So again, I say, so he's already emphasized this already, and he's re-emphasizing it. Again, I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. Now, what's often not understood here is that these are actually commands. These are two different commands. There's one command that's made to the husband, and there's a second command that's made to the wife. You know, we've all heard this, right? Every husband must love his wife, every wife must respect the husband, right? That's part of even the marriage vow that we took. We've heard it before, right? But don't tune out, in a sense, because I had heard this before, too. But knowing it and implementing it are not the same.

They're not the same. And they bear a whole lot different fruit, because the knowledge doesn't really take us down the road very far, if at all.

Why did Paul say this? You know, we're talking about two different commands. And a lot of times, when there's problems in the marriage, the wife will say, well, I'll start respecting when you start loving.

He'll say, well, I'll start loving when you start respecting. You start respecting, and I'll start loving. Well, you start loving, and I'll start respecting. And so, what God says, no, you each have a command. It's just like it. And, you know, we know about the Ten Commandments, but there's other commands besides the Ten Commandments. There are over 600 commands in the Scripture. This is a command that husbands have to love their wives, regardless of whether the wife is respecting the husband. And the wife has a command to respect her husband, even though he may not be loving her. They are not intertwined. They're not intertwined. So, why does God say that a man must love his wife? Why do we have these two commands? Well, generally speaking, because that's what a wife, she needs to be loved. That's her primary fuel. She needs to be respected, too. But the primary thing that drives her is love. And that's why God understood that husbands are commanded to love their wife because that's what she needs. That's what motivates her. She can face the world of problems when she feels loved. You know, in the first part of our marriage, when things were going well, I was astounded. When my wife felt loved, she would return this respect and this love back to me in almost a greater amount of volume that I was giving to her. I was just astounded. I said, I like this dynamic. I was really astounded by this dynamic. And then we got to the point where we started to struggle. We got further into our marriage. We had to grab the reins and say, wait a minute, this isn't what God intended. It's what's happening here. And so we had to go back to Scripture.

So God is inspiring Paul to say that the husbands need to love their wives because this is her primary fuel.

Also the same for the husband.

That's his primary fuel. Now, he needs to know that he's loved as well. But this is his primary fuel, generally speaking, among men. It's to be respected. Now, I know this seems simple. Almost theoretical. You know, this can't really solve the problems, can it?

You know, this can't really solve our financial problems. This can't really solve our problems in the bedroom. This can't really solve our problems raising the kids or how we spend our free time. You know, think back to the relationships that you've seen struggle because I imagine most of us have known people that have struggled in relationships. Whether it's your parents or whether it's somebody else, the wife often was just in agony. She was screaming to just be loved.

And the husband was miserable because he was just begging for some respect. It's not that we don't want love and respect, but we're made different. And God understands it and preaches through Paul that a man's primary motivator in life is to be shown respect and a woman's primary motivation in life is to be shown love. And when we get towards the end of the message, we're going to look at some specifics on how we can fulfill our individual responsibilities and roles in doing that. And begin to address a cycle that can begin to transform our marriage.

There's a book that was put out a while ago. I focus on the family. It's entitled Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Agarix. I don't know if any of you have read that particular book or not. But one of the things that he brings out in the book, he talks about something that's called a cycle. He brings out that there's a cycle between men and women who naturally withhold love and respect when they aren't being given their primary motivator. So, for example, no husband is going to naturally feel warm and loving feelings for his wife when he feels disrespected by her and feels that she doesn't support who he is. So, when a man feels this way, naturally he withholds the love that his wife deeply needs and desires. He needs, actually, her need to be loved is undermined by his lack of respect, whether it's real or imagined. And vice versa. No woman will feel deep admiration and respect for her husband when she feels uncherished and unloved by him.

So, the message today may tempt us to focus on the shortcomings of our spouse rather than to look at ourselves. We don't want to fall into that temptation to focus on the downfalls of our spouse. I hope we can all have the humility to realize that we have all failed in our responsibilities, in our relationship, as we go through the needs of a husband and the different needs of a wife. I think if we were honest with ourselves and examined ourselves, we would all see that we have all fallen short and contributed to what he calls the crazy cycle. So, we've all failed. And we shouldn't think that we need to dwell only on the failure of our spouse. And also, this message is to each individual. We can't change anyone else. We can only do our own part. My wife and I have worked on this long enough to realize that even if only one of the two parties is doing their part, that begins to affect this cycle and begins to change it for the better. Even if only one of the two are doing their part.

In our world, many wives feel unloved by their husbands, sadly, on a pretty regular basis. They were made by God to want and to crave their husbands' love. And when they feel this lack of love from their husbands, unless they make a conscious choice, they will naturally shut down on their communication with their husband. That's the natural choice. That's the human nature that will drive her. And likewise, in the world that we live in, I think most of the husbands feel disrespected. And when they feel disrespected and unappreciated by their wives on a regular basis, unless he makes a conscious choice to resist the natural impulse, you will naturally shut down his communication of love towards her. That's the way we naturally respond. If we're not getting what we think we deserve, we shut down on our responsibility of what God commands us to give. And what transpires is this vicious, crazy cycle, holding back what the other spouse needs, desperately, because our need is not met. And so what's the result? Maybe only one in ten. Having a happy marriage. Following the guidelines that God gave to us in Scripture. So do we understand? I mean, hopefully this is opening up some understanding here of how things work and what God would have us to do. Wives, do you understand that when you're feeling in love that you will naturally not communicate to your husband? Husbands, do you understand that when you don't feel respected, you're not going to naturally communicate love to your wife? Understanding the cycle that keeps going round and round and round is very important to fixing it and having a great marriage. Most couples don't understand this. They've never seen it. They've never heard it. It's never been taught. And so they will never have many, will never have a happy marriage that they could have and that what God wants them to have. So these responses are natural, but God did not call us out of the world to have a natural response.

He called us out to have a godly response. And so, as Christians, God has called us to overcome this natural response, to overcome our nature and to fight against the natural impulses that we would normally have or the natural pattern that we would normally choose. I believe that's why God inspired Paul to command men to unconditionally love their wives. And that word, love, by the way, in Greek is agape, which we know that that is an unconditional love that you're always looking out for what's best for the other person.

It's agape. So I believe that's why God inspired Paul to command men to unconditionally love their wives, agape their lives, and for wives to unconditionally respect, which means to reverence their husbands. And He gave us these commands because it goes against the grain of what we would naturally do, of choices we would naturally make. And so God commands and teaches that we are to respond differently.

I've touched on this unconditional love and respect. One of the biggest mistakes we can make in our marriage is to make a link between these two commands, as if they're somehow connected or interrelated and conditional upon the other. They're not.

They're not. There is not a link that I will do my command if you will do yours. God never said that. He never said, husbands, love your wife as long as she respects you with the respect that you deserve.

He never said it the wise, respect your husband as long as he loves you the way that you deserve. And if he or she doesn't, well then you don't have to do your part. It's not in the Scripture. We could be going along on our day, maybe having a good day together as a couple, and then how long does it take before somebody feels unloved, or how long does it take before somebody feels unrespected. And in that moment, if these two commands are conditional, and they're tied to each other, well then you can kiss that good day goodbye. It's not going to happen. If they are conditional. Probably have the next two to three hours are going to be very frustrating, and maybe the rest of the day, and possibly the next week, maybe the beginning of the rest of our lives.

The truth is, and this truth is crucial to having a great marriage, a husband is commanded by God to love his wife regardless of whether or not his wife ever obeys God's commandment to respect him.

And a wife is commanded by God to respect her husband regardless of whether he obeys his command to love her. They are not connected. You and I have to do our own verse.

You know, like it or not, that's what we signed up for.

You know, our teens and unmarried individuals should carefully consider who is it that I want to respect unconditionally, who is it that I'm going to love unconditionally for the rest of my life? You get a choice. Make it a good one.

That's impossible, isn't it? How can you love someone when you're not being respected? Or how can you respect somebody when you're not being loved? Isn't that impossible? No. Hard? Absolutely. Absolutely.

Would God give us a command that we couldn't fulfill?

I think we know what the answer is. No, He wouldn't ask us to do something that is impossible and then punish us for not doing it. I don't think so. Now, how God designed it to work is that both couples are working on this together. Both couples are working on this, and it becomes a lot easier when both couples are doing it together. But we must be clear they're not linked. We have our own responsibilities. They are separate from our mates. It's not our job to throw their responsibility into their face. I can tell you from experience that that cycle that we talked about is just going to continue to spin and spin and spin.

Our mates have their responsibility. We have ours. And we'll have a lot more peace in our marriage if we simply worry about our part.

Let me share a personal story. Joanna's not here. She knows I was going to tell the story.

In our 22 years of marriage, we've had one thing that's come up that's been a difficult one, at least for me. She has a tendency, more so in the past than lately, she has a tendency not to be on time.

And I am having an accounting background. Very organized, want things you know, right down the line. Knowing that we should be here at a certain time before services start, that we have a responsibility as a pastor and a wife to be here at a certain time to be able to spend time with the brethren. Or other times when we're not spending time with the brethren, we're going to need somebody. We've got a doctor's point. And so this is something that we went around and around about. And I, you know, if I would have said, you're not respecting me, you know, we have a responsibility, and you're not respecting me, and I could, there's a natural tendency that I'm just going to treat her not very nicely. Or be frustrated. Or argue, how many times do I have to tell you? Right? Maybe some of you can identify with that or a different other issue in your marriage.

So I heard a story from an elder in Cincinnati, and he and his wife had a very similar problem. And he saw another married couple that also had a similar problem, but it seemed like, you know, their life was going a lot better than his and mine. So he asked this gentleman, you know, I know your wife has a similar problem as mine of being late, but you don't seem, you seem to be happy. You seem to be getting along. He said, you know what? He said, it's kind of simple, and yet it's profound at the same time, but what helped me, he said, he said she knows when I want to leave. I told her. You know, I give her the five minute warning, the two minute warning. She knows when I want to leave. But I have the choice as the leader of the family to decide, in this case, they're getting ready for Sabbath services, to decide how the rest of the Sabbath is going to go.

He said, you know, I can choose to give her the silent treatment. I can choose to get upset. But it said then, then it's only likely that she's going to be upset and that the children are going to be upset. And so he said, and then basically a bad cloud or a hostility or a bad vibe is going to be hanging over us for the rest of the day, the rest of the Sabbath, or any day for that matter. He said, or I can choose to continue to love her and to be friends with her, regardless of how I am feeling at the moment.

And that our day can be an enjoyable one. We can get through the day and we'll all be together in harmony. He said, I have a choice and my choice is not dependent on her choices. Wow! That's a pretty spiritual and mature thought, isn't it? I have a choice and my choice is not dependent upon the choices that she's making. You know, I can tell you that Jelinda and our situation there has improved quite a bit over time.

But this man said, he said, do you know, or do you think that what helped to reach my wife was to get on her every time she was late? And to harass her and to withhold the love, give her the silent treatment, or her behavior changed because she saw that even though she knew she was late, that he still loved me. He said, I can tell you that what made the difference and making her then want to respect him was because of his approach towards her.

These two commands are unconditional. They're not linked together. Let's turn over to 1 Peter 3. Again, this is the New Living Translation here.

Talking to the wives here, it says, in the same way you wives, you must accept the authority of your husbands. Then, even if some refuse to obey the gospel or the good news, as it says here, your godly wives will speak to them without any words, and they will be won over by observing your pure and reverent lives. Now notice these commands again are unconditional. It's not dependent upon how the other spouse acts, but solely individual responsibilities. Notice that God says that even when the other spouse is not even doing their part, they're not acting right. They're not fulfilling their responsibility to the marriage, to the family, that it can make an amazing effect on a spouse, even causing the unbelieving mates to be won over in part due to their behavior, their example. Now that's amazing. Now that doesn't always happen. But God says there's a possibility that that can happen. What this shows then is that if even one person breaks the cycle, or one person does their role, their responsibility, obeying their command, responding not in the natural way, but in the godly way, with either love or respect, it can stop the cycle and begin to produce peace. You know, at some point, we have to ask ourselves, am I willing to stop and change the cycle that's been happening in our marriage? If you agree in understanding that wives are motivated by love, and husbands are motivated by respect, then what would hold us back from doing that? What would stop us from doing that? I'm ahead here, I think, in the slide. I need to go back. What would stop us from doing that? I think what stops us is we're afraid. I think we're afraid. If I somehow stop the cycle, you know, if I start doing what I'm supposed to do, I'm afraid she's going to take advantage of me, or he's going to take advantage of me.

We're afraid of how I'll be treated if I show them unconditional love or respect. A wife will often be afraid that if she shows unconditional respect, she might be treated like a doormat. She might be taken advantage of. A husband is afraid if he shows unconditional love, that she'll continue to gripe, she'll continue to complain, she'll make him feel worthless while he's being kind and loving and thoughtful to her. In order to break these bad cycles, we have to communicate, and to do so with love and respect. That's sometimes more hard and difficult for husbands than wives when it comes to communication because we aren't naturally as good and an effectual communicator, especially in loving ways. When we feel unloved or disrespected, it's natural for us to want to tell our mate, well, you did this! No, you did that!

That's why I'm doing what I'm doing, because you did this! It's a natural reaction, but it's going to just continue this cycle to go the way that it is. It's just going to continually spin out of control.

Brethren, it is a natural human reaction that we respond to our feelings. We respond to our feelings with either a lack of love for our husband or a lack of respect for our wives. It's natural. But God didn't call us to continue to do the natural human tendency. He called us to be sons of God. When I'm feeling disrespected for my wife, I need to try to understand what the dynamics are. She must be feeling unloved. If she's disrespecting me, she must be feeling unloved, or she wouldn't respond with disrespect.

Dr. Ekrichs encourages to stop and ask a question, which I have never thought of before, is to stop and ask a question. Did I do something that made you feel unloved? I've never even thought of that question. Did I do something that made you feel unloved? My wife must be thinking, wow, that just takes away a lot of the barriers. I'm opening up to trying to have communication here. In other words, Dave didn't say what she did or what she didn't do. He wants to know what made me feel unloved. That's a whole different question, isn't it? Did I do something to you? She feels disarmed and allowed to explain how she feels. If the husband is truly sincere in ending the cycle, then he will truly listen to understand how he is not showing love and will try to learn and change. Now, I'm not saying this is going to be easy. God's way is the narrow way, the hard way sometimes. That's the best way. It takes a while. But let's begin to try. Instead of having this bad cycle take off that we've been talking about, it stops that cycle. And we begin to enjoy our time together.

But wife could do the same thing. When she realizes she's feeling unloved by her husband, it's a trigger to ask her husband, have I made you feel disrespected in some way? That's a whole different approach. Did I do something that has made you feel disrespected? Because I'm not feeling very loved right now. Did I do something to make you feel disrespected? It's disarming. When this bad cycle starts to spin, the sooner I think we ask these questions, the easier it's going to be to stop the cycle, to nip it in the bud before it gets going too far down the road. It's so much easier, though, isn't it, to see the faults in our mate? Isn't that easier to do? Than to stop and step back and seek information about what we might be doing to contributing to the problem. We might have been doing to start the problem. It's much easier to look at somebody else's shortcomings than it is to look at our own. It takes spiritual maturity to do this. Can we as husbands ask ourselves, is my wife coming across to me disrespectfully because she is feeling unloved? Most of the time she's going to respond with respect. The more often we do it, the more often respect can become her go-to. Can wives ask the question, is my husband coming across to me unloving because he is feeling disrespected in some way? We ask ourselves the question.

Good things typically happen when we respond with respect. And so I know it goes against our natural grain, our human nature, against what Satan is sending out, pulsating all the time. But isn't it true? Conversion and Christianity all about changing what we are and overcoming what we have been going against the grain. We don't return evil for evil. And somebody slaps us emotionally. But that's the choice. That's the choice. That's how we become one. And it's how we can have a marriage that God designed for us. But I can tell you, it will seem unnatural at first if you haven't been doing it. It's going to seem unnatural at first.

My love, that felt disrespectful to me. That felt disrespectful to me. Did I come across to you as unloving previously? That felt disrespectful to me. Did I come across unloving to you a moment ago?

Now, at this voice, I'm going to talk first to the men. I'm going to talk about some specifics here. So women, that doesn't mean you need to tune out or cover your ears. But I do encourage that if you see your husband trying any of these things that we're going to be talking about here in a moment, that you try to laud him for that because it's not an easy role to fulfill correctly. He's trying to continue to grow as a godly husband and a leader in the family. We all need help sometimes in understanding the opposite sex because God made us different. It's a part, in a way, though, that also makes it so fascinating to us.

So men, the way we show love to our wives often takes the form of working hard in our jobs. That's what we think of in our minds. We love our wives. We're working hard at our jobs. We're trying to provide for them. We keep the lawn nicely cut on hot days. We take out the stinky trash. We do all of these things. We clean up the mess. It's these things that we want our wives to respect and appreciate us for. But while those things are important, it's also important that we understand what speaks love to our wives.

Let's go to Ephesians 5. Ephesians 5. Focusing on the husbands here. Again, this is part of the marriage covenant that we entered into before witnesses and also before our Creator.

God speaks through Paul and He says, Husbands, love your wives. Now, if we just stop there, we would not understand how far this goes.

Husbands, love your wives. Oh, yeah, I love her. God gives very specific information that follows that. Husbands, love your wives just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her. We could give a series of sermons just on that. Loving our wives just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for her. He died for her. He is the Savior, which is one of His names, which suggests that the family needs a Savior. It needs a hero.

Christ is the Savior of the church. He's the hero.

It's a pretty high bar, isn't it, man? We've got work to do. I include myself. Most definitely. We've got work to do. This verse should stop us in our tracks, because we fail often, maybe daily, on this. So this means that we are to be self-sacrificing, not selfish. Christ was a sacrifice. Whether a literal sacrifice or a living sacrifice, it means we protect. It means we provide. It means we serve as Christ served. It means we're a strong example. It means we strive to have unfailing love for our wife, just as Christ loved the church. A high bar. An unending, endless, boundless love for our wives that parallels Christ's love for the church. A love that is forgiving. A love that is patient. A love that forbears. A love that is kind. A love that is understanding.

Simply look at the simple and profound example of Jesus Christ, gentlemen, including myself. Simply look at the simple and profound example of Jesus Christ to the church.

Dr. Eggrichs and his book developed an acronym for men. Some people like acronyms, some people don't, but I'm going to give you one here. For remembering what communicates love to our wives. Here's the acronym. It's couple. Couple. Each letter stands for something. The C stands for closeness. The O stands for openness. The U stands for understanding. The P stands for peacemaking. The L stands for loyalty. And the E stands for esteem.

I'm going to go through a lot of information, and it will be available to you if you'd like. I can send it to you in an email or through the mail. Some specifics here, because there's going to be a lot of information that's about ready to come forward, not only for the gentlemen, but eventually for the ladies as well. So let's start with the first one. The C, the acronym C in this word, couple. It stands for closeness. Closeness. Things that communicate closeness to her. The holding of the hands. The hugging. The affection without necessarily sexual intentions. You know, to go for a walk, or to go for a bike ride. Something that is time together. You seek to spend time with each other. You set a date, which we talked about maybe a date night. Time and love cost nothing, but you want to know her thoughts. You want to know her opinions. God gave her to you, gentlemen. To be a helper to you. Because you and I were incomplete. We didn't have a full deck. We're not all there. But God gave us something to be complete. Let's go to the next one. The O. The O stands for openness. You share your feelings. You share the difficulties that you had during your day. You aren't rushing to end the conversation in order to watch television, or to watch a sports program, or to read the newspaper, or to read the emails that you get. You discuss financial concerns and what you think you should do to take care of them. You discuss ideas for the future. Now, this is a lot harder for men than women. Most of us are not as natural communicators, so that means we have to work at it.

What does the U stand for? Understanding. Understanding. Men, we listen, and we can repeat back to our wives what they said to us. You know, I gave this message earlier in southern Minnesota, and we had a men's club afterwards, and we talked about some of these things. And one of the men said, my wife's been trying to talk to me about certain issues for years, and I just wasn't listening. It was just going right over my head. I was just dismissing it. I was thinking, now, now, you know, that's not right. Any normal person would know that that doesn't make any sense.

This is a man who has a wonderful wife. He's respected, and she is also in congregation. But he said, I wasn't getting it. I wasn't really listening. Now, a lot of times, we try to listen. We don't try to fix the problems, men. Sometimes, she's not asking for that. Now, that's the way we have of showing love. She's got a problem. We're going to try to fix it. But sometimes, she just wants to be heard. She just wants to speak. Now, she may ask for your help, and if she does, then that's the appropriate thing to do, is to try to find a solution. But identify how she's feeling, and don't dismiss her feelings. These are her feelings. We need to honor and respect that this is truly how she's feeling.

Tell her you appreciate her sharing with you, and don't interrupt. Listen. Hear her out.

You and I apologize when we're wrong. We cut her some slack during certain times of the month. You know, PMS. Take things off her plate. We don't take literally what she's saying sometimes at that time of the month. She's really sincere. That's the way she feels, but later on, she says, I guess I was overreacting. So we give her the benefit of the doubt. We cut her some slack.

Take some things off her plate, because you care. You help her with the dishes. You help her with the chores. You help her out for dinner. Express appreciation for what she does. She's there for you. Be a help, and pray for her about things that she is struggling with. Pray for her and with her. Let's go to the next one. The P. Peacemaking. Tell her or let her know you... or actually let her tell you how she's feeling. Allow her to tell you what she's feeling without getting angry, without cutting her off, without trying to shut down the communication. You seek peace by apologizing and asking her for her forgiveness if you have done wrong. Never say, forget it. We seek to repair the breaches. We seek to repair the hole in the roof, so to speak. And forgive her quickly, because she's going to make mistakes too. Forgive her quickly and let her know that you reassure her with your love, that you still love her. Let go of the bitterness. Let's go to the next letter, which is L. Loyalty. You're loyal to her. You speak highly of her in public, in front of others. You don't put her down. You are invested in what's important to her. She's been trying to tell you... If you haven't been hearing, start to listen. She's been trying to tell you the things that are important to her for a long time.

You lead the family, and what's going on with them is important to you.

You don't correct her in front of the children. You don't put her down. You don't look lustfully after other women. You make your marriage the priority above all other humans and human beings. Above anything else, above sports, above friends, above work, even the children, she comes first. She's the first one that you hug. She's the first one that you talk to. You bring her to social gatherings when it's possible, when you can, to work parties, to weddings. You don't allow the children to speak poorly of her. You let her know your plans. You let her know that you're running late. You communicate. You keep your commitments to her and to the family. That's loyalty. Let's go to the last one, the letter E.

Esteem. Esteem has to do with honoring. You tell her how proud you are of her for all that she does and all that she's giving to you and to the family. You speak highly in front of others, of her in front of others. You open the door for her. You're willing to try something new that's important to her. You notice her, her hair, her clothes. You show her affection, even in public. You teach your children to show her respect. You value her opinions as valid. That's how she feels. She's letting you know. She's taking the risk of opening up herself to you. So make sure you value her opinions as valid, even if you ultimately must choose a different path. And you explain it to her whenever possible. Honey, I know this is how you felt, but I made this choice because it better be a Biblical reason. It better not be a selfish one. You make sure that she knows you are proud of her. Man, I know we don't measure up. I know we fall short. I know that. But I'm going to use this as a motivation. God's Word, God's Scripture, some of these things, to use as a motivation to rededicate myself. So loving my wife. And some of these things seem unnatural. I've been trying to go now and do simple things. Open the car door for my wife. See her at the restaurant. I haven't been doing it. It seems unnatural. In fact, she sometimes doesn't wait for me because we've gotten into a habit where she just gets in the car door and closes it. Or she gets to the restaurant chair and sits her seat herself.

I've seen other men do this and I thought, I haven't been measuring up.

Sometimes we just don't know about these things we've never been taught.

These things aren't easy, husbands. I know. We're going to fail. But there's a Scripture that says in Proverbs chapter 24 verse 16 that a righteous man falls seven times, but he gets up every single time. And I think that seven is a significant number. We often think of it as complete. And you think maybe he falls seven times, he's finished. No. He gets up each time, including the seventh time.

You know, we will fail, but a successful couple keeps getting up and keeps going and keeps dealing with the issues. The unsuccessful couples don't.

They quit. Okay, ladies, women, it's your turn. Just like his unconditional love, you've been called to show a husband's unconditional respect. Not just when it's earned, not just when it's deserved, but unconditionally your husband needs your respect. It's that important to us. There's a scripture, and again, this is New Living Translation, Proverbs chapter 21 verse 19. It's better to live alone in the desert than with a quarrelsome, complaining wife. Okay. True? This is a true saying for women to take heart, men, as we learn to truly understand and love our wives. It's important that we recognize that sometimes a woman can be quarrelsome and complaining because she's crying out to be loved. That's possibly possible, the reason, not always. And sometimes communicates that through, I'm not going to respect you.

So we have to learn to analyze ourselves and these cycles to recognize the cycle and our responses.

All right. Let's take a look at... Oh, I didn't advance it. Sorry. I didn't advance the screen. I thought I did. This is a scripture that talks about the seven times. And keep on trying.

Okay. Here's that scripture about wives. We've covered that already. It's better to live alone in the desert than with a quarrelsome, complaining wife.

Here's the acronym for the ladies.

Chairs. Chairs. Again, each letter of that word stands for something. Conquest, hierarchy, authority, insight, relationships, and sexuality.

Again, there's a lot of information here, so if you'd like a copy of these PDF slides here in these areas, I'd be happy to do that. Let's look at the first letter. C. Conquest. Conquest. Ladies, you tell him verbally or in writing that you value his efforts. You express your faith in him, in his work, in the family. You listen to his work stories the same way you want him to listen to the stories that you want to share with him during the day. You see yourself as his helpmate, his counterpart, and talk about how you can support him whenever possible.

And allow him to dream. Allow him to dream. That's important for a man to be able to dream, and don't discount his dreams. Don't discredit his dreams. He's just talking to a nephew not too long ago. He's been in the same profession for decades now. He still has a dream. He's starting a greenhouse someday. He's not involved in that profession at all. He works for the post office. He still has that dream. He still has that dream.

So allow him to dream. Don't dishonor or criticize his work.

Let's go on to the next letter, H.

Excuse me. Hierarchy. You vocalize your admiration of him for protecting you and for being willing to die for you. You praise his commitment to provide for you and for the family. You don't mock the idea of looking up to him to prevent him with the possibility of looking down on you. You don't put him down about his career. You don't put him down about how much money he makes. You support him and make the best of a bad situation, not making him feel worse that the family maybe is financially struggling. He is the main provider, but there may be emergency times when the woman does need to step in and maybe get a job and help out. There are times for that. Sometimes the family is going through some tremendous financial difficulties. That can happen in the course of a lifetime of a marriage. When concerns need to be voiced, they are done with respect and with a willingness to help with offering solutions. Such as financially, maybe ways we could cut our spending, or maybe I could go to work to help in that regard. Not nagging, not complaining. So that's hierarchy. Let's go to the next letter, which is A, which is authority. You voice your thankfulness for his strength and for your ability to lean on him at times in the marriage. You support him as the God-ordained leader of the family. You praise his good decisions and you are gracious when he makes the bad ones, because he will. He will make bad decisions. You disagree only in private, not in front of the children, and you honor his authority in front of the children. You give your reasons privately for disagreeing and respectfully, and you never attack his God-given role to lead the family in a godly direction.

Let's go to the next one, the letter I. Insight.

Tell him up front you are simply needing his listening ear and you're not necessarily looking for his counsel. That may be true, you're looking for his counsel. But if you're just wanting him to listen, tell him that up front. That helps him. Otherwise, he's going to be thinking about a solution instead of listening to the end. Think, well, let me interrupt here. I think I've got a solution for you already. She hasn't had a chance to tell the whole story. So tell him up front. Insight. Tell him up front if you simply are needing a listening ear. And then if you are looking for his advice, thank him for his advice. You are respectful that his problem-solving approach is his way of showing love and empathy. So if he does interject, he's trying to solve the problem, understand that's his way of showing empathy for what you're going through. You realize that your vulnerabilities, especially among males, you have vulnerabilities and you value his protection and you value his oversight. You counsel with him respectfully when you differ with ideas. You have a different idea than him. It's partly why the reason God gave us women is to help us to see the big picture. Sometimes we tend to have tunnel vision. We don't see all of the ramifications and our wife can be a huge help to us. So hear her out.

But you counsel with him respectfully when you differ with his ideas. That's insight. Let's go on to the next one. There are his relationship.

You tell him you like him and you show it. He knows you love him but often wonders if you like him.

You respond to his invitation to engage in recreational activities together and you go along to watch him if you can.

You may not have time all the time but when you can, he'll be energized when you show up.

Work shoulder to shoulder. Let him lead, which enables him to open up and to share with you and encourage him to take a bit of time alone. Sometimes that's not a problem with men. They want too much time alone. Encourage him to have some time alone when possible. There are times that he has a hobby. There are times that there's something that's helpful to him, that helps him to relax.

Let's go on to the next one, the letter S.

Sexuality. Appreciate his desire for sexual intimacy. You respond to him sexually more often and initiate sex periodically. You understand that he has sexual needs that are different than yours, just as you have emotional needs that he needs to fill. He is the responsibility to you. It's just the way God made us. We're different in that regard. Over time, we've all done things that have hurt each other. We've all done things that have wounded our mates. We all have deep cuts. However, we can't be willing to forgive our mates for their mistakes, for their hurtful words, for their hurtful actions. We can't move forward to a good or even a great marriage unless we begin to let go.

Unless we begin to accept our responsibilities and apologize and ask for forgiveness. It's hard to let go, but we've got to do it. We have to do it. If we never take that risk, we're never going to be able to achieve the goal that we're talking about here. What if I'm the only one that's trying? It takes two to walk together. We know that. And God, of course, designed it that we're both doing our part, which makes it a lot easier. But what if you ask yourself the question, what if I am the only one that's trying? Well, it can still work, but it's going to be a whole lot more difficult. It's going to be tougher if you're the only one that's trying to do your part. A mate can be one over time. We talked about that. But it will take considerable work and effort and conviction and dedication on the one mate's side. God designed that a marriage become two, becoming one. So when both dedicate themselves to unconditional love and unconditional respect, bad marriages can become good ones. And good marriages can become great marriages. And when this happens, then the cycle stops. It stops more quickly, and a new cycle can begin. You know, a cycle can only go one direction at a time. When we follow our natural impulses to react to the lack of love and respect, we feel the vicious cycle continues. But when we stop responding with our natural impulses and instead respond unnaturally with unconditional love and unconditional respect, the clock can begin spinning in the opposite direction.

It's called the energizing cycle. Our ultimate goal is to get where we show love and respect, regardless of her respect or his love. You can see how that can be an energizing. His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

The fear, though, that it won't work, holds a lot of people back. It holds a lot of couples back. We've got to trust something here. We've got to trust that God's way works. Either we believe Him and act upon it or we don't. But God isn't mocked. What a man sows or what a woman sows is what we'll reap. Don't give up just because it doesn't seem to be working. If you're giving it a try, don't give up. As the old saying goes, Rome wasn't built in a day. So keep your eyes open, even for the smallest improvements, because they will begin to happen. If both are really truly working on this, just watch the dynamics over time begin to change. Is it easy? Absolutely not. Take work? Absolutely. Is it possible? Yeah, it is. It's possible.

Now we have to address a really, really hard question here.

What if your actions and imilament in this message never results in any change whatsoever from your mate? You're doing your part, you're doing your responsibility, and it doesn't seem to be making any difference whatsoever.

In your heart and mind, you believe it will work, but what if it doesn't? The truth is, it doesn't matter. Because while we may want a great marriage, ultimately your spouse and your marriage has nothing to do with it. We demonstrate our obedience to God by keeping our command. We do our part, the verse that He gave to us, regardless of whether our mate is doing their part or not. It doesn't matter. I know we all want a great marriage, but ultimately our spouse and marriage has nothing to do with it. We are simply demonstrating our obedience and our trust in God, and that in itself will be a reward. If not in this life, then in the Kingdom of God. So this should really, in a way, be a higher motivation because God told us to do it. And we love Him with all of our soul, with all of our strength, and we're trying to obey our God. Regardless of whether our spouse changes or not. Regardless of what you and I get out of it.

So in a sense, really, nothing's really wasted. Nothing's really wasted because we're obeying God. We're being true to the command. So our first and primary motivation is because we want to please God and honor Him. Nothing is wasted. You don't owe it to your spouse. In a way, I don't owe it to my spouse. I owe it to God. Don't I? All of us do. And it's out of obedience and trust for God. So in the ultimate sense, your contributions or my contributions to our marriage have nothing to do with our spouse. It has everything to do with our relationship with God and with Jesus Christ. It's as simple and profound as that.

So, we have a choice. We have a choice. Our world thinks it makes no sense for a wife to put out unconditional respect for her husband or for a husband to put out unconditional love for his wife. But it makes sense to God. We each are responsible to God for our conduct. God created marriage as a wonderful blessing. God wants us to have a wonderful marriage. He wants us to have a happy and a fulfilled marriage. God made us different. But no one is lesser in value than the other one. Both are absolutely vital to this family. And we are incomplete without the other. And we will never achieve what God designed for us unless we work together with our spouses in that sense. So, we are each responsible to God for our conduct. Each has an incredible potential to be heirs, sons of God in his kingdom. God didn't leave us, brethren, how to wonder how to have a great marriage. He's given us clear instructions in Scripture. He gave us the tools. He gave us the keys. He made it possible for us to be able to know what to do so that we can do it. And so, we have two commands in Ephesians 5 and verse 33. One for husbands, one for wives. And these two commands are unconditional. So, let's strive individually and collectively to implement love and respect in every aspect of our marriage. And remember, finally, above all else, let's remember that really our commitment is to God as well as to our spouses. To show God the commitment and the obedience and the honor by making love and respect a priority in our marriages.