The Role of a Godly Husband

...designed marriage into the human experience as a God-playing relationship. It's intended to prepare us for eternal life in his divine family. We talked about that a few weeks ago. We looked at the sanctity of marriage and how that's being forgotten, overlooked, even trashed in this day and age. And we also looked at some of the effects of that influence on today's society. The institution of marriage is designed by God as the first and most important institution that God has given humanity. The Church and the family, the two most important institutions that we have given to us by God. Certainly for social order, we talked about that last time.

Social order, peace, for children to learn how to work with an authority and work with one another and so on. That helps us very much in this present current age. But also, marriage is given, as we reviewed last time, as a spiritual union. And it has implications for the spiritual age to come, as God would design things for this age, for the benefit of humanity. There are spiritual attributes as well. I didn't talk about this last time, but one could make a case, a very strong biblical case, using the events that led to the Great Flood in Genesis 6.

And God's warning of utter destruction that comes at the end of the book of Malachi. If hearts of the fathers are in terms of the children, children of the fathers, that that breaks down. That he's going to strike the earth with utter destruction. No point in going forward. Someone could make a strong case that marriage and family, which results from God's institution of marriage, are essential to God's spiritual work in this age, to his spiritual plan for humanity. But again, it's more and more a feeling to see the importance of this institution.

Marriage rates are plummeting. We covered some of the statistics on that last time. Cohabitation is soaring, and the resulting divisions, as a result, have had a violent and devastating effect on society. It's causing also a famine of an ability to hear the word of God. When we trace back the lack of response that we have to the kingdom of God message going out to the world, these things can be traced. This dullness of hearing can be traced back to breakdowns in the family.

Misunderstandings of how to even communicate to God as a father, because so many don't have fathers. Understanding of the relationship of brethren, that's learned from the example of the family. All those relationships and the beauty that those relationships hold in them for our learning and growth, and our ability even to hear God, are being broken down in society around us, and it's going in a very terrible direction.

As humanity continues to disregard God and His laws, it's only going to continue. The dignity and majesty of the institution of marriage is escaping humanity. But it should not escape us. It's one of the greatest privileges we have been given. And especially those who are led by the Spirit of God to understand the Scriptures, to understand how God designed the institution of marriage is a great privilege. The cornerstones for the development of the divine nature are embedded in the design for family.

They're clearly evident, and there's a connection, there's a relationship between what we experience within marriage and how we prepare for the Kingdom of God. God's aspirations for human marriage go well beyond the physical and this age. The same opportunities for selfless giving are in marriage as we're supposed to learn for the Kingdom of God.

The same application of divine authority, loving authority, respectful submission are learned within the institution of marriage. The same familial love and care for others that sustains life and peace in this earth also prepares us for positions in the Kingdom of God. How that's done and how that unfolds as we examine the institution of marriage is very fascinating and very encouraging. God blesses us with many things, but it's easy for us to take them for granted in a world that doesn't understand them, in a world that doesn't appreciate them.

When we're inundated by the breakdowns we see all around us, it can influence us and it can help us, actually cause us to forget and underappreciate what we've been given. With God's help, brethren, we can reclaim and fulfill His design for marriage. But to do so, we have to fully understand and embrace the responsibilities that God designed into the institution. As I said last week, this is learned when we understand the biblical roles of a husband and wife. We don't need to be married to learn this. In fact, one of the benefits of the church, when a couple truly understands and fulfills their roles as husband and wife, is as the example they set for everyone else in the church and as those families bring others into their families.

I think it's Psalm 67. No, no, it's Isaiah 61, I believe. In the prophecies of the end of the millennium that describe the millennium itself, where God says He brings the destitute or the isolated into families, that's done within the church as well. And when a husband understands his roles and purposes as God designs them and lives to fulfill them, and the wife does the same thing, it has a beautiful effect on the entirety of the church, married or unmarried, the biblical roles of a husband and wife are very, very revealing.

Today I'd like to examine the role of a husband in a godly marriage. Not to point out where we are falling short. It's easy to do, to see how short we fall, of the aspiration God has within that design. But to see how God has given us in marriage, and specifically today the men who are responsible husbands in those marriages, how God has given us the great opportunity to put His divine nature into practice, uniquely within His design for marriage.

First, let's look at before we actually get into the vows themselves.

And again, the vows are biblically based. They're used in the United Church of God, probably other churches of God. But before we get into them, I'd like to give overviews before we get into the discussion, largely because the world that we live in has a different understanding of that position, a very different understanding. I'd like to look first at godly leadership. I'm not going to turn to Genesis 3, we read through that last time, but you remember, after Adam and Eve committed their wrongful act of eating from the wrong tree, which was initiated by Eve, but Adam also participated, God's correction in Eden began and ended. It began and ended with Adam.

He holds husbands ultimately responsible. And that has to be respected by wives and by the children within the family. That man, when he assumes that position as a husband and then becomes a father, assumes that responsibility. Everything begins and ends with you, with us. Look at 1 Corinthians 11. I like to read verse 3 here. This is a pretty exhaustive chapter that talks about hair length and symbols of authority and so on. But just to look at, to see how God created man and woman in a sequence and how he actually did that is indicative.

You don't see that in the rest of his creation in the animal kingdom, for instance. It's very unique within humanity. 1 Corinthians 11, verse 3. Paul writes, But I want you to know that the head of every man is Christ. There's authority there. We answer directly to Jesus Christ, men. Every man.

The head of woman is man. Notice this doesn't say the head of every woman is every man. God has a structure and order and design for that as well. Daughters are under the authority of their fathers. And then after they marry, they're under the authority of their husbands. That's not a negative thing. God designed that to be a help for them, for those help meets. The head of woman is man and the head of Christ is God. Christ is under authority. That relationship in the Godhead of Jesus Christ to his Father is a position of authority.

God the Father leads, but that's again a responsibility to give, to love, to take care of, and Jesus Christ follows in submission. The marriage structure is designed to do the same thing. Look at verses 8 through 12.

Verse 8, For man is not from woman, but woman from man. Again, very different than the way he created man. Very different than the way he created the other animals. Nor was man created for the woman, but the woman for the man. This is God's design. This is not a man standing up and saying, See, I can manipulate you. I can tell you what to do.

I can rule over you. No, no. Again, that's man's view. God's view of authority, as we've talked about many times, is about loving service, kindness, taking care of somebody. It's an advantage to have and be under authority. It's not a negative like it is in this world. That's the biblical view. And we're looking at the biblical view for marriage. Nor was man created for the woman, but woman for the man. Verse 10, For this reason, the woman ought to have a symbol of authority on her head because of the angels.

We understand this chapter to be talking about hair length and why hair length is so important. It's a symbol for authority. This reference to the angels may be a reference back to what Satan did with the third of the angels that rebelled and became demons. The wording angels here, though, is not necessarily referring to demons. It's referring to angels themselves. There needs to be a recognition or a symbol that the woman wears that shows that she's under authority, either to her father as a daughter or to her husband as a wife.

Verse 11, Nevertheless, neither is a man independent of the woman nor a woman independent of the man in the Lord. He created them together, male and female, in his image together. This giving of authority is not a statement of status. You lead so you have greater status and value than the ones you're leading.

That's completely wrong. It's not a statement of status as it is in this world. Neither is a man independent of the woman nor a woman independent of the man in the Lord. By God's design, we are one. And especially in marriage, as he blesses that union, and we follow his design for marriage, we are one flesh.

Verse 12, For as the woman came from the man, even so, man also comes through woman, but all things are from God, his design. So we're looking at here. God created humans in his image and likeness, male and female, but in a sequence. There's revelation in that. As the Godhead has order and rank and position, so does marriage. It mirrors the Godhead and that relationship. God is a God of absolute peace and harmony. He's perfectly coordinated. He is completely united, he and his son. To be so requires a clear distribution of function. This is not about status or value.

It has to do with functionality. Peace is functional. It has a design. It has a structure. God wants humanity to share in the love, peace and harmony of the Godhead, which is embodied in those two basic principles we talk about all the time.

Lead in love, follow in respect. Look at Matthew 20. Scripture we've read many times as well. Matthew 20, verses 25-29.

If you desire to lead a family, learn how to serve a family, because that's the function. That's what you will be doing. And whoever desires to be first among you, let him be your slave, just as the Son of Man did not come to be served but to serve, and to give his life a ransom for many. God expects anyone assigned to lead by him to serve out of love and compassion that is exemplified in the position of a husband. We are to sacrifice the self for the good of those we lead. That is the design of a husband. Godly leadership is a responsibility. It's not a right. It's a position, yes, there is order in rank, yes. It's necessary for coordination and unity, but it's not a measure of one's status. It's not a measure of one's value or worth. It's not a measure of one's contribution to the unit. And it's not a measure of privilege. Actually, those who are being led in a godly way are the ones who are privileged, who are more highly valued.

Godly leaders are not self-centered. They are god-centered. Godly leaders value every human being as a child of God, potential fellow heirs of the kingdom, whether God's opened their mind now or not. Godly leaders are servants first. They sacrifice themselves to help others. Godly leaders encourage initiative in those they lead by learning and doing. Godly leaders don't create followers. They create more leaders. Godly leaders promote self-control, exercised by the individuals that they're leading, not external control, not manipulation, not ruling over somebody. That's not what a husband is. That's the mindset that we've got. And we're missing the opportunity. We're missing what a treasure it is and what a strength God has put on us to do this and fulfill it. Godly leaders seek input and advice. They are collaborative. They share decision-making. Godly leaders are humble. They admit errors. They are accountable, personally accountable, and they forgive. Look at Philippians 2, our consummate example, the one that we emulate in our marriages, in that position that we've been given, that responsibility is Christ. Philippians 2, we reviewed this in some detail in our in-home studies last year, but it was reviewed in this context. Philippians 2, verses 3-8. Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. That may not be seen, at least initially, as a preparation scripture for one intending to marry or looking for a bride. But it is. Don't do that with selfish ambition. Don't be just concerned about what you want. It's not going to work that way. Or conceit, only my thoughts, only my ideas, only this all revolves around me.

But in lowliness of mind, recognizing that you're unworthy to marry a daughter of God, and you need to make yourself worthy, otherwise you'll miss the opportunity that marriage is going to give you.

But let each esteem others better than yourself. Esteem your bride to be, and your wife and marriage is better than you.

Let each of you look not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others. Let this mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus, who, being in the form of God, did not consider it robbery to be equal with God. Men, we've been given that invitation by God, but so have our wives.

In the example we set in that godly design of the marriage will either help her or hurt her in that process.

Verse 7, This kind of service, this kind of godly leadership, was modeled by Jesus Christ for all of us.

The essence of all leadership, by God's design in Christ's example, all leaders are servants.

Anybody else is not truly leading.

All leaders lovingly sacrifice themselves for the benefits of those they lead. They desire to serve. They want to serve.

It's a prime motivation in every Christian man seeking to marry.

And it's a prime motivation for every man in a godly union.

And marriage is designed to provide that opportunity. It's an incredible privilege. And it takes great strength to do this.

That's not strength we find in ourselves.

A husband's assignment as the head of the wife represents merely a distribution of function, not a hierarchy of value.

Look at Ephesians 5 here.

Ephesians 5. We'll be spending some time here. This is where most of the vows come from.

Also for the female. We'll spend some time here when we go through those vows as well for the wife.

Ephesians 5 and verse 23. This is actually an instruction given to the wife.

But look at what it says. For the husband is the head of the wife, as also Christ is the head of the church.

You feel the weight of that comparison? To be Christ for your wife? To be Christ for your children?

It's not just about you anymore. It's about how you influence those you love most.

The husband is the head of the wife, also Christ is the head of the church, and he is the savior of the body.

That word head, used there and as we just read in 1 Corinthians 11, is translated from the Greek word kaphale.

Kaphale is spelled K-E-P-H-A-L-E.

The primary word that's taken from kaphale is translated as a seizing or an embracing of something or someone.

All 76 times in the Greek that's used in the authorized version of the New Testament is translated head, though.

Metaphorically, kaphale means anything that is supreme, chief or prominent. Now, in a human, carnal view, yeah, I'm chief, I'm supreme. Everybody must kneel before me.

In a spiritual view, and recognizing that it's our job now that God has assigned us to emulate him in a position of authority, it knocks you to your knees.

Literally. That they are to look to you for their example and service that God provides them. He's going to work through you as a channel for them.

Tumbling. It's incredibly humbling. In Scripture, kaphale is used to describe persons such as masters or lords, and it's used to describe this husband and their relationship to his wife.

But from the standpoint of his responsibility as a leader, not some honor he's due or some privilege he's been given. It is a privilege, but not in the way human beings see it.

It's used to describe Christ, the Lord of the church, the husband to the church. And it's also used to describe things like the cornerstone, like Christ as a cornerstone.

Which in most cases, cornerstones and buildings support the building. And they're often difficult to find that critical stone.

And they're usually sometimes even embedded in the foundation or so far down in the building it almost impossible to find, to see. But they support the entirety of the building, the cornerstone.

God assigned husbands to lead in marriage, but God lead leadership. And he holds them responsible to carry that out. Secondly, this phrase that we read here in verses 25 through 29. Let's look at this.

Ephesians 5 and verse 25. Husbands, love your wives just as Christ also loved the church and gave himself for her just as Christ.

Verse 26. That he might sanctify and cleanse her, not use her, not manipulate her. That he might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the Word.

So the Word is what provides our understanding of how we're supposed to lead, how we're supposed to love.

Verse 27. That he might present her to himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish.

So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself also.

For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it just as the Lord does the church. Both of those are used in the ceremony, one specifically in the vows.

These verses form the basis for the vows in our Church of God wedding ceremony.

And the critical verse here is, as Christ loved the church.

Now, you may have not married within the Church of God. You may have been married when you came in. But when you went through your baptismal commitment to God, and commitment to His Word, you then became committed to these words.

That you would aspire by these words to make your position beholding to God, to make your marriage that way as well.

So, question is, how did Christ love the church?

Well, He gave Himself for her. I didn't just say He died for her.

It's one thing to be willing to die for somebody. That's a one-time shot. Boom! And it had your gone, done, over. You took that, and now you're gone.

I said, live for her.

Give yourself, all of yourself, and the rest of your life to her.

That's the design of marriage. As Christ not only sacrificed His physical life in total obedience to God, He also gave up His divine place and power in heaven to become a man, to devote Himself body and being to His bride, the church. That's the only way that would work. That's the only way she could marry into the God family, as if He did that, gave Himself fully.

Now, in marriage, husbands have been given that same opportunity. Think of what a privilege that is.

When we accept the role of a husband, all of our previous hopes and dreams, all of our desires and pleasures diminish in importance.

These things cease being the driving motivations in our life.

I love golf. I still love golf. I'm sorry. I don't like that term. I like golf a lot.

I love my wife and children. I love all of you. You love people. You don't love things. I like golf a lot.

But my golf diminished considerably after I got married, and especially after I had children, because you have to make a choice.

It's your nine iron, or it's your home life. And there really is no choice. It's a no-brainer.

I had a lot of driving motivations. I loved watching sports, participating in sports, all these kinds of things.

But God will put you through experiences, if you don't get that fully early on, and most of us don't, that shows you what's most important and lets you make a choice.

If you make that choice in advance of becoming married, those of you who are not yet, it's a lot easier for you when you start off that way.

Now, just as Christ did, we give up ourselves when we marry His daughter. And that's the way we should see that.

We are marrying the daughter of God.

We leave our former pursuits, we leave our obligations, and we embrace where we cleave to our wife as the new focus and goal of our lives, all under God.

Let me read the vows to you now. I'm humbled every time I read these.

And I know what mostly happens is after both the husband and wife go through the vows, they almost forget what they just did, and they move on.

So, what I'm doing from now on, after I perform a marriage ceremony, I'm actually copying the vows in my card that I give the couple as a congratulatory gift or whatever, and there's a copy of the vows.

Now, they may keep them, they may throw them away, I don't know, but I feel they're incredibly important.

I spend a great deal of time in advance of a marriage counseling individuals and what those vows mean. I also spend a great deal of time in marriage counseling, referring back to the vows that each of them made.

Here's the vow, or here's the section of that ceremony.

Since marriage is a divine institution, and we are asking God to join you as husband and wife, it is fitting and right that each should faithfully promise before God to accept the sacred marriage covenant according to the divinely ordained conditions imposed by Almighty God.

I got that out a lot easier than the last time I read it. It was Courtney's wedding.

I really struggled with that.

Then right after that, the groom was gone to first. Not the bride, the groom first.

Here's what he's asked.

The minister is standing there, but you should see God standing there. He is God's agent.

He's looking at his daughter and his son, and he needs commitments from both of them.

Here's what the groom has asked.

Do you then groom, Joe, Bob, Fred, Brian, faithfully promise and covenant with God, notice that, in the presence of these witnesses, to take this woman to be your lawful wedded wife and to cleave to her unto death, that's often overlooked, cleave to her unto death, to love her, cherish her, honor her, and provide for her.

I won't be going into cleave. I talked about that a little bit last time, but the root word for cleave in the Old Testament, where that is taken from, is actually a word that means glue.

Glue yourself to her.

And there are the key ones that we'll go through. Love, cherish, honor, and provide.

And again, notice, between whom this covenant is made. Most practices in marriage today, the couple think they're committing to one another, and they are.

But this vow is written as a covenant between the individuals in that relationship and God.

You are covenanting with God. You are signing an agreement with God relative to one another. That changes the whole approach.

As I mentioned last time, I was petrified when I said I do to these. And as we were moving up to the wedding, if you looked at my wedding video, I did not look like a happy person.

I was inside, but I was just scared. When I first said I do to these words, they frightened me.

Here's the thing. I didn't notice at the time. I kind of knew it at the time, but without clear evidence of it, and I did have clear evidence in God's word, but without knowing it would happen, surely that it would happen, it was very nervous.

God has helped me over the past 30 years of our marriage to fulfill those.

Now, I knew that would happen because in the counseling session and reviewing the vows, I knew I couldn't fulfill those as Christ.

But I knew, based upon the counseling, that Christ in me would help me and enable me to do that. That's a great privilege. So it's not just a matter of, like, you have no skill and ability to play football, but you're given a football and you're asked to go practice with the Minnesota Vikings as quarterback, starting quarterback.

Some of us would consider that a great privilege. Others would say, what are you, nuts? I'm going to get killed.

It's something you know you're not qualified for. But if the one that's asking you to do that is king of the universe, go. If he's your creator, go.

Remember when he asked Moses to go back to Egypt, Moses said, ah, my mouth, it doesn't work right. God says, who made the mouth? Who made the tongue?

I made you, and you have to know this is my plan. Now you move forward. The great privilege, a great honor, much more so than quarterbacking the Vikings.

Now I now realize what an honor and a privilege it is to strive to keep those vows. So I share in my wife the same responsibility that Jesus has toward his church. How amazing is that? And how amazing is it to recognize that he in me will enable me to practice these incredible vows and learn the divine nature in the process.

See, I knew that I don't believe that I knew that Christ in me would keep them. And with each of my wife's affirmations over those 30 years, I feel God's pleasure when I do.

I often quote movies. How many have seen Chariots of Fire? Probably most of you. It's a great line in there where his sister, the guy that wants to run in this event, is also a missionary. His sister wants him to go back to China and do his missionary work, but he wants to run in the Olympics and she's having a real trouble with this, so he takes her out for a walk.

And he tells her, I've decided to go back to China. I've decided to continue the missionary work because she's so happy. And he says, but I'm going to run first, and then she gets sad again.

And he says, listen, I know that God made me for this purpose, to be a missionary, to go to work with people, teach him his word and so on. I know he made me to do that, but he also made me fast.

And when I run, I feel his pleasure.

Husbands, do you feel that pleasure?

What a privilege.

Not just an average, ordinary, everyday marriage relationship that you have on this planet, the daughter of God.

The daughter of God affirms.

Maybe it wasn't the fact that I was marrying my daughter. Maybe it's just the way I feel about marriage.

The daughter of God affirms the Son of God in you, when you fulfill those vows. What a great privilege.

When we see these vows through God's eyes and honor these vows by his Spirit in us, these vows are so much more than just customary marriage requirements.

They are, or become, at least majestic in their nature.

They're magnificent. They are divine aspirations.

And whether she's fulfilling her vows or not isn't the issue. We'll talk about that.

Love, as God loves, is for love's sake. So is honoring and cherishing and providing for.

Let's look at these now individually.

So first, we vow to God. I talked about Cleve last time.

Leaving one's father and mother. So in other words, not abandoning that family, always honoring the parents, but recognizing that from this point forward you are one with your wife.

You now are your own authority in that family, in that wedding and marital relationship.

So there's a separation that happens there. And parents, loving parents especially, converted parents should get this.

It's actually a privilege to see a child mature to that level where they're willing to take on that responsibility.

The first thing we do, though, after we cleave, or intend to cleave, vow to cleave, we vow to God to love our wives.

Love in all of its forms of expression. Love, as we understand it from Scripture and in our lives, is selfless, it's generous, it's outgoing concern.

And it crosses all levels of affection of one human being toward another.

Now, this is a term that's being watered down in our society.

We go back to the Scripture, though, to define it, to understand it.

And as we see it in the Scripture, one is not, but when we take the Greek words for it, it helps us to understand.

We are to give ourselves completely to her in all aspects of love. And for the sake of analysis here, love is love, as God describes it.

But for the sake of analysis, let's look at the usual Greek categories. Agape, Philia, and Eros.

First, agape. Agape is love as God and Christ love. They choose to love.

They are disciplined in love. It's the way they live by choice. It's the things that they do. It's their entire approach to life and to others, regardless of the situation, regardless of what's happening around them, or the person that is the recipient of their love.

Look at 1 Corinthians 13, and see how this is described.

And again, husbands in a godly marriage right now, and those who are pursuing this, this is where you begin when you begin to understand what love is in all of its forms. Let's start reading in verse 4, we read verses 4 through 7.

Love suffers long and is kind. So every opportunity we have to suffer long, every opportunity we have to share an act of kindness with somebody is a practice of love.

Love does not envy. There's no animosity. There's no wanting what somebody else has.

Love is absence of want. It is the presence of give.

Love does not parade itself, doesn't pound its chest, doesn't pound itself on the back, and doesn't need that.

Love is not puffed up. Love doesn't behave rudely, doesn't seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil.

All of these need to be how we are leading in our marriage, husbands, and husbands to be.

Verse 6 does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth. Bears all things.

Believes all things. Hopes all things. Endures all things. You cannot read this without recognizing they are aspirations.

But when you've given the tool, when you've been given the environment, the setting, the facility to practice these, what a great privilege.

If the Spirit of God is within us and needs opportunity, marriage is that opportunity.

It's God's gift, agape. It's a gift of His Holy Spirit. It's not something that we can drum up on ourselves anymore that we can stir up faith. It's unique, but it's not absent in marriage. It's not excluded from marriage.

We're always supposed to be patient. We're always supposed to be kind, hopeful, enduring, never envious, never proud, never rude, never selfish.

Those have to be aspirations. We have to see as well the strength within us to achieve them.

That's Christ within us. 1 John 4, 8 says that God is love.

And as we are striving to emulate God, all of us, we should see marriage as a perfect opportunity to be like Him.

So I'd like to ask myself some questions here. I'll share these with you.

Love as agape describes love.

Am I proactive in my love toward my wife? Am I outgoing? Or do I just respond?

Do I need things in my wife to prompt that loving action within me?

Do I initiate love rather than just react to it?

Are my acts of love non-reciprocal? In other words, does my love for her depend on her love toward me?

Do I feel like when I do one of her jobs, whatever that is, in the household, as an act of service to her, do I then expect her to reciprocate in some way in doing one of mine?

Do we not love them, brethren, because of who they are? Not with agape, not with godly love.

We love them because of who we are, sons of God, regardless of how she responds.

That's a very difficult thing to do. I have heard from others, and I partly believe it, that one of the most difficult trials you will ever go through in your life is unrequited love.

When you love somebody and they don't reciprocate, or worse, they reciprocate with something other than love.

A godly husband does not love his wife because she loves him. Remember to whom this vow is made.

We told God, we covenanted with God to tell him we would agape her.

Second one is filia. Agape is a disciplined form of love. It's a choice. Filia is friendship.

Filia does look for similarities, a way of syncing with somebody else, stages of life, activities, hobbies, things we like to do together, things you share together.

Filia is a lower form of love as a result.

I'd like to read this for you. Song of Solomon, chapter 5 and verse 16.

Song of Solomon, chapter 5 and verse 16. We'll just break into what Shunammite is saying, describing her beloved as legs and pillars of marble, set on bases of fine gold as countenance is like Lebanon, excellent as the cedars. Now verse 16.

His mouth is most sweet. Yes, he is altogether lovely. This is my beloved and this is my friend.

There's something in the world, I can't describe it, where there's a difference between best friends and married couples.

So each person within the union has a best friend that's outside the union. Oh, he's my husband, but she's my best friend. She's my wife, but he's my best friend. We go to ball games together, we pool together, we ball together. And this is my friend, my beloved, oh daughters of Jerusalem.

Husbands, can our wives say that about us, that we are her best friend, that you are her best friend?

Here's some other questions we can ask. Is she my best friend? Am I hers? Do I value her opinion and advice as I would value a best friend?

Does she hear good and bad news from me first before anybody else does?

What interests her and does what interest her interest me?

Would I rather be with her than anyone else? See, a friendship requires levels of trust, levels of joy, levels of openness and dedication over anyone else. And she is deserving of that. That's a form of love, philia.

The third one is Eros. Eros is speaking of sexual love, the physical oneness union between a married couple.

Let's look at 1 Corinthians 7 here, a very wonderful chapter describing so many of the critical elements within marriage. Great study. Let's look at chapter 7, verses 3 through 5.

Let the husband render to his wife the affection do her, and likewise also the wife to her husband. Notice that affection, that Eros, is do her.

Verse 4, by the way, the word Eros is not used in the scriptures, but it's inferred when we look at the modern Greek and understand as you study Greek literature and so on.

It's described very much the same way. Verse 4, the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise, the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Who can do this?

Can you imagine anyone who doesn't understand God's design and purpose for marriage actually doing this?

Giving complete authority over your body to somebody else?

And taking the responsibility for the care of the other and their body. Verse 5, do not deprive one another except with consent for a time that you may give yourself to fasting and prayer and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

Self-control? Obviously, they're living in Corinth, which is a very sexualized society today, but very much like today. Mr. Kubik sent out an e-news recently to talk about that. Corinth and what we live in today are very, very close in their cultural makeup, especially with regard to sex. The authority, though, in this statement here is not given for control and manipulation as a carnal mind would see. A spiritual mind would recognize this verse is given to promote mutual care and giving toward one another. Look at Hebrews 13 and verse 4 here.

Hebrews 13.4. Some are uncomfortable talking about this, and I understand that.

But when you read the Scriptures on this, you recognize that potentially we are more prudish than the writers of the Bible were inspired to be. Hebrews 13 verse 4. Marriage is honorable among all. And the bed undefiled, but fornicators and adulterers God will judge. Any sexual activity outside of marriage, God will judge. It is sin. How popular is that to say in the world today, in this society?

We look at it as an idiot, as a fool. This is what God says. Any kind of romantic sexual activity outside of the marriage covenant, outside of that commitment to God first, is wrong. So God says before he's going to give his daughter to someone to have a relationship with like that, he's got to have a commitment from that man first. Same thing from the woman. Before he gives his son to that woman and gives her authority over that son's body, same in reverse, he's got to have a commitment from her first. Without it, sex is completely dishonorable. That's what the Word of God says. It's not our opinion. Again, contrary to our current culture, sexual passion belongs in marriage. It belongs there. The world wants to stifle it, push it out, steal it from marriage, and has done so to a great degree already. Sexual passion belongs in marriage and in marriage alone. I don't care how long you've been married. If we are approaching and viewing our wives as we should from the outside in our marriage, if we are practicing this in the godly manner, the biblical manner, you will answer these questions positively with respect to your position as a husband. Does she still distract me? Does she distract me? Does her very glance excite me? Do I catch myself staring at her? Does she draw me in? Does she make me curious? Does she amaze me? Does her very presence change me? Do I study her? Do I get lost in the thought of her? These are the things that that passion is built on. And it doesn't subside over time. If it's done right, it builds. But notice in this, because we are still physical beings, that passion can sometimes overwhelm agape and filia. Agape and filia are not set aside when we are moved by arrows, but neither does agape and filia stifle arrows. We are to remain selfless and her best friend, even as we experience and act on the passion we have for her. Let me read you a scripture. Proverbs 5, the book of wisdom, was written by Solomon, who had plenty of experience in this, mostly bad, but enough at least to write Song of Solomon, which is much more instructive than what most of us realize if we understand its metaphorical nature. Proverbs 5, verses 18 and 19. I'm sorry, I'm chapter 15 here. Proverbs 5, 18 and 19. Let your fountain be blessed. This fountain is a reference to the wife. And rejoice with the wife of your youth as a loving deer in a graceful doe, as you're drawn to them, as they are huggable. You ever walked through a petting zoo and the deers come up to you and they want to eat the little corn things out of your hand? You want to touch them, right? But as soon as you do, they scamper off. They're just huggable. As a loving deer in a graceful doe, let her breasts satisfy you at all times and always be enraptured with her love. Notice your margin if it's indicated there. Always be intoxicated. Be drunk with the thought of her. Always be goofy. Ask yourself this question. Does she make me more tender? Does she make me more affectionate? Does she make me more nurturing? This is how Eros is expressed within a godly marriage. And we read this in Ephesians 5, 25, As Christ loved the church, giving himself for her, this is to be done in a sexual way as well.

If we are wondering, if we're fulfilling this vow, we only need to ask ourselves one question. Am I giving my life completely to her? And that, again, becomes an aspiration rather than a point of fact or a qualification. Love is the first vow. Love is an attribute of the divine nature. And God's design for marriage is the perfect environment in which to learn it, to practice it. The second in the vow is honor. We are to honor our wives. Honor here means respect, a sense of admiration, a sense of deep consideration, elevating her, in our opinion, lifting her up.

The definition of honor has four references. First is to homage, or homage is a type of honor. Reverence is a type of honor. Veneration and also deference. Admiration, respect, and esteem, according to another. Homage here means a form of tribute that conveys an allegiance to the one that we are honoring. Reverence is a feeling of deep respect, bordering on fear, but inspiring affection, inspiring devotion and emulation. Veneration is an aspect of honor. Veneration is the reverential expression of respect, love, in awe.

Not in a sense of a physical carnal being, but the position she holds, the vow she made. And the fourth is deference. A sense of courteousness, a respectful regard for another that often implies yielding to him or her. Honor is a form of submission, gentlemen. We talk always about women submitting to their husbands. Honor is a form of submission, as we read in those four aspects of it. Loving leadership is not without its element of submission, just as respectful submission is not without its element of love. True leaders are not threatened by strength or skill or ability in those they lead. They admire it, they develop it, they welcome it, well beyond the point of sharing in their responsibilities.

We may have completely separate responsibilities, but we recognize the strengths in those we lead. Look at 1 Peter 2 here. We'll just take some sections through this, verses 13 through chapter 3. Verse 7 is the instruction I want to get to eventually. I want us to see the context here.

1 Peter 2, verse 13. Therefore, and notice the subject here is submission, Therefore submit yourselves to every ordinance of man, for the Lord's sake, whether to the king as supreme or governors, as to those who are sent by him for the submission of evildoers, or for the praise of those who do good. This is submission to government. Now drop down to verse 18. Servants, be submissive to your masters with all fear, not only to the good and gentle, but also to the harsh.

For this is commendable, if because of conscience's sake toward God one endures grief, suffering wrongly. You say, whether we're being treated right or not, we are submit to our employers, those who have given authority over us with respect to work, and so on. Chapter 3 now, verses 1 through 6, talks about wives. Wives likewise. Be submissive to your own husbands, that even if some do not obey the word, they without the word may be won by the conduct of their wives, when they observe your chaste conduct accompanied by fear. And it describes after that, and we'll go through that in more detail when we look at the wives vows.

But look at verse 7. Husbands, likewise, likewise, still talking about submission, but from the standpoint of honor and respect. Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered. Again, the basis of the discussion here is submission, and husbands are not left out specifically with respect to their relationship with their wives.

The Greek word for honor used here is teme, spelled t-i-m-e, teme. It's an estimation of worth, of value, esteem, and it's used most often in describing pricing. How much does that cost? How much is it worth? Well, how much is the daughter of God worth in God's eyes? Husbands are to value their wives as those who are committed to the biblical duties of their position. It's not just the being that's holding that position.

It's not about how hot she is or how submissive she is. Well, to some degree it is. It's the fact that she's the daughter of God, and she vowed to her father to love us, to submit to us, to revere us as the Son of God. That's huge. So we ask ourselves in this respect, am I fulfilling my vow to God to honor my wife? So, do I defer to the authority that she honors with respect to the Word of God? The authority for her, for a daughter of God, would be her father.

And now we are in that chain under his authority. If I honor her, I will honor who she honors. Do I value her as that authority does? Do I acknowledge, support, and concede to her eternal destiny in the God family first? Do I recognize her position and responsibilities? Do I value her goals, her ideals, and her desires ahead of my own?

Do I respect her decisions, her opinions, and her perspective? As Peter was inspired to write here, this is about understanding the weaker vessel and the position that she has assumed. It's not a statement of status. It's not a statement of position or rank in that respect. It's a design, and her vow and her commitment to us is something that needs to be honored. This verse was never meant to be insulting, but functional. I use this example sometimes to help me understand it.

A galvanized garbage can is much stronger than a crystal wine glass. But which would you rather drink from? I was asked this afterwards by a woman once, and I said that. Was the woman the garbage can or the wine glass? I said, clearly the wine glass. Men are designed to be more blunt.

We could generally take more on. In that sense, it sometimes makes us a little more dense. Her design is much more precious in that respect, much more sensitive. Not in a negative sense. Literally, from the brain, you can study and see and prove women's hearing, their eyesight, their sense of smell. All of these senses are better than ours as men. We're not designed to sniff this stuff out. They are. We're designed to plow through walls. They're usually there to help pick up the pieces afterwards.

So do we appreciate the beauty God designed into this weaker vessel? Her femininity? She's more sensitive. She's more gentle. She's more perceptive. She's more caring. Those are strengths. Those are not weaknesses. But about her vulnerability, do you see that as a weakness?

Do you see that as a weakness in the design and makeup of that wine glass? God wants her to be tenderly appreciated, esteemed, cared for. And what about equality, as Peter says here? She is a fellow heir of the kingdom. In most cases, in many cases, at least, many of them will be in more honored positions than some of us will be in that time. Can we honor God's design and the marital relationship and the responsibilities that He gave her? As we read in Ephesians 5, verse Peter 3, she has vowed to submit, subject, and revere us as Christ.

I thought my vows were tough until I studied into hers. In her fulfillment of her role, I learn what the church is supposed to be when she does it right. How the church is supposed to submit to, subject yourself to, and revere Christ. I see that in my wife toward me. And not as a response of anything I've done, but as her commitment to her vows to our eternal God. In her fulfillment of her role, the whole church learns how we should be toward our Master. And we should see that in all the wives in godly marriages within the church. Look at Colossians 3, verse 19. Colossians 3, verse 19. I'm sorry I'm going long. But I do want to get through this. Colossians 3, verse 19. And let's read 18 before that. Wives, submit to your own husbands as is fitting in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives and do not be bitter toward them. We can't honor somebody and be bitter toward them. We have to work that out. And in doing so, we develop the godly, the divine nature. God designed the differences between the sexes not to compete, but to complement one another. Satan and his world wants us to pit ourselves against one another, to compare ourselves to one another, and to fight and divide. That's what's happening around us. That's what's happened to marriage. The sexes were never designed, though, to battle one another, but to blend, to be that one union in which godly offspring are developed. And I don't just mean the children.

Each variation between the sexes reflects a measure of god's nature. Thus, each has to be respected. It has to be admired. From the perspective of god's views, not this world. Honor is an attribute of the divine nature, and god's design for marriage is the perfect environment in which to learn it. The third thing we vow is to cherish our wives. We vow to god to cherish them. Cherish your means to value, to treasure, to protect, to hold her dear in everything. We read this in Ephesians 5 and verse 29, that word cherish is translated from the Greek word thalpo, T-H-L-A-L-P-O, T-H-A-L-P-O.

They believe it's probably akin to thalo, Greek word thalo, spelled T-H-A-L-L-O, which means to warm. To cherish someone is to warm them, to keep them warm, not just with a blanket on a cold winter day or a hug, to warm the heart, to cherish with tender love, to foster with tender care. Do you see the challenges in this? When we recognize how blunt we are and how this society even trained us to be blunt with athletics and business and all the other things that we faced that hardened us, and we get this beautiful opportunity within our marriage to be something else, to transcend, to God's nature, cherish is part of this.

Jameson, Fosson, and Brown comments this on the word cherish, on this Greek word thalpo. It says, nourishes up, namely to maturity. Nourish refers to food and an internal sustenance, which probably borders more on the providence side, but cherish means to clothing and external fostering, not just to build them up inside, but to build them up outside, to let them know how prized they are. Cherishing is having a tender concern for the wants of our wives, as we want for our own bodies, as we were told in Ephesians 5, just as Christ does for the church, to care equally for the happiness of one's own wife, as one does for one's own body, guarding it from exposure and from want.

Look at 1 Thessalonians here. 1 Thessalonians 2, verses 7 and 8. Paul describes this feeling that he had toward the church. He describes the way he cherishes the church. He describes it as a mother having care for her children. Verse 7 of 1 Thessalonians 2. For the mystery of lawlessness... I'm sorry, I'm in 2 Thessalonians. 1 Thessalonians 2, verses 7 and 8. But we were gentle among you, as a nursing mother cherishes her children.

Do you remember the first time you held a baby as a man? Did you feel awkward in it? Because you have these big, clumsy, oafy hands? I remember my dad. He worked in the coal mines as a young man. He was a mechanic much of his life in the air force. He had hands like leather. He'd do anything with them. Character-filled, leather-like hands. But to watch him, in all his strength, hold a child very tenderly, because it's a child.

You have to hold the head up, and you have to make sure the neck is properly supported. And you don't want to make it cry. If it starts crying, or if it does something else, you want to give it away really quickly. We are clumsy at this. Not that we're designed to be so, but that's what the world makes us.

God wants to make us something else. Let's keep reading. As a mother cherishes her children, so affectionately, verse 8, longing for you, we were pleased to impart to you not only the gospel of God, but also our own lives, because you had become dear to us.

Brethren, as a nursing mother cares for her children, putting the child's needs ahead of her own, with tender, attentive, thoughtful, considerate, self-sacrificing actions, we need to do the same for our wives. I'll refer you to this just for sake of time. 1 Corinthians 12, 1 Corinthians 12, verses 22 through 25. The one flesh union of marriage is referred to there.

Its design and function is to emulate the one flesh union of Christ and the church. Here are the questions you need to ask. I ask myself, am I fulfilling my vow to God with regard to cherishing my wife? Here are the questions. Am I tender with her? Am I careful, gentle, and respectful of her vulnerability? The recency shook me up because I know I'm not doing the job I could do. But maybe with Christ in us, all that matters is that we try.

Do I guard her reputation? Am I attentive to what others think of her? You see, tender care, cherishing is an attribute of the divine nature. And God's design for marriage is the perfect environment in which to learn it. The fourth part of those vows is to provide. As a young man, fledgling in my career, not knowing what was going to happen, this is the one that scared me the most. Little did I know that this might have been because of God's help, the easiest one to do.

We vow to God to provide for our wives. And provide doesn't just mean food, clothing, and shelter. It certainly means that. But the word provide touches on sustaining somebody, or something. Supporting, nourishing, taking care of, looking after her every need. In 1 Timothy 5h, it's the one verse, and we're very close. Let's go there. 1 Timothy 5 and verse 8. The word is used. 1 Timothy 5 and verse 8.

But if anyone does not provide for his own, and that begins with our wives, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith, and is worse than an unbeliever. In a King James it says, infidel, a faithless person. Having the faith to know that when God provides for us, we should extend that to those he gets his care over. The word provide here is translated from the Greek word proneo, p-r-o-n-o-e-o, proneo. It means to provide for.

It's translated only three times in the scripture as provide. But its roots mean to perceive before, to anticipate, to plan as we are given the gifts to do, gentlemen, as we were wired to anticipate those needs before they happen, to foresee, to think of beforehand. Certainly physical, food, clothing, shelter, affection, support, all those things. And marriage rights, as we read in I Corinthians 7, but also spiritual. To perceive, to plan in advance, to be ready to give counsel, to be ready to guide and encourage and correct even when it's necessary.

But as Christ corrects his church with patience, kindness, and tenderness. Remember, in Ephesians 5, 26, she is sanctified by the washing of water by the word. This is how we learn to provide spiritually through the word. Hear the questions I ask. To see if I'm fulfilling this. Am I fulfilling my vow to God to provide for my wife? First, am I properly feeding, clothing, and sheltering her? These, I have found in the past 30 years, were probably the easiest to do. It's what I'm wired for. It's what we're wired for.

Am I fulfilling her emotional and spiritual needs? That's much more challenging to foresee and plan for, to disengage from my blunt activities and be sensitive to her needs. Am I properly teaching her, leading her, modeling God's way for her, and advising her? And then lastly, am I involving her in planning? Am I involving her in decision-making and in building our family together? That's part of it. Godly husbands get to participate in the work of Christ in our homes, in a very direct and a very significant way in leading our wives and families. It's a very near and personal example of Christ's own loving leadership. That's what we are charged with emulating. Providence is an attribute of the divine nature, and God's design for marriage is the perfect environment in which to learn it. Let me sum up here. Brother, the godly role of a husband is an overwhelming responsibility when it's understood. It's a superhuman task that really only can be fulfilled by God working in us. Every converted husband recognizes that his wife is a daughter of God, to whom, as a loving father, she means everything. Those of us who've had daughters, especially those of us who've given daughters away in marriage, we get this deeply. Yet within the bounds of marriage, God's holy institution, he has given her to us. We must love her as God loves her, giving himself completely. We have to honor her as God honors hers, esteeming her, respecting her, lifting her up. And as I review these, don't see these as hindrances or qualifications or things we have to get to. Once we set our direction in this way, Christ in us will accomplish this. That's what makes this the privilege it is. So as we are charged to love, honor, and cherish and provide for her, as God does, as we hold her dear, as we nourish her, as we protect her, as we look after her every need, we're developing the nature of God. Rest assured, as a loving father, God would not give up his daughter to anyone who had a different direction, and a different purpose, and a different understanding of marriage. A husband becomes the primary instrument through which God, in his gracious kindness, his love, enables us to love, honor, cherish, and provide for his daughter, now our wife, for as long as we live. To properly fulfill this enormous responsibility, a husband emulates God in all his ways for her sake. He loves his wife as Christ loves the church. So the only fitting husband for a woman aspiring to be a daughter of God is a man aspiring to be a son of God. Such is the opportunity that we have as husbands in a godly marriage. I hope this was helpful. Next time I speak, we'll examine the role of a godly wife, and hopefully that will be as helpful.