The 7 Ingredients of a Healthy and Loving Marriage, Part 1

Well, thank you, Mr. Grahams. I appreciate special music today. One more thing I have to repent of. Now I can't curse the snow anymore. I have to straighten up my attitude about that one. And for good reason. So again, thank you for very beautiful special music. We didn't have an announcement on it, but I just wanted to remind everyone that our beloved brother Tim is having pretty extensive surgery this coming Wednesday. And continue to keep him in your prayers. They'll be hopefully removing a couple of spots that they've noticed on his lungs. Who knows, maybe our great God will be so merciful, he'll do a final test, and the spots will be gone. That's what we all pray for. But if it is God's will and he goes through the surgery, he certainly needs our support, our prayers, our love, our emotional encouragement. So let's be sure to do that and have a special prayer for him Wednesday morning in our prayers that the surgery goes well and is successful. Well again, Happy Sabbath! Today I would like to talk about a subject that is difficult. It's difficult in a lot of ways because there are the two toughest jobs you'll ever have in this physical life.

One is marriage, which we're going to talk about today. It's the most difficult thing you will ever do. And the second one is child-rearing. That's no piece of cake either. That's also a very difficult job. And by the way, child-rearing doesn't end when your children grow up and leave the home. You worry about them as adults. You constantly pray for them and are concerned about them throughout their entire lives. But I'd like to talk about marriage today. Marriage is a very interesting institution that God made because it, by its very design, was designed for conflict. You are taking two people who grew up independently, who both have their own baggage that they're bringing into a relationship, and you are asking them to love one another and spend the next 40 to 50 years, hopefully, if it's a good relationship with one another. Now, I realize that marriage isn't for everyone. The book of Hebrews 13, I think, says that marriage is honorable, and that's very true, but not everyone should be married. I mean, I've known people of some personalities and some particular dysfunctions who, frankly, as a minister, I can tell you, should have never been married. And some people just are not comfortable in an institution of marriage. I understand that. What I'm asking you to do is to apply these principles, understand that we are the bride of Jesus Christ, and the church is to be married to Jesus Christ. I also understand that a number of those within our congregation have been through divorce. I can relate to that. My parents were divorced. I, as a small child, was raised by a single mother, so I totally understand that. I also want to remind all of us that God was divorced. He had a very beloved bride who was unfaithful to him, and he experienced the pains and frustrations of a broken relationship and of someone who was not faithful to him. So God understands that he himself has been divorced because of the unfaithfulness of ancient Israel. So I understand all of those things, and I understand that about 50% of our congregations may not directly relate to you because you're either not married, or you're a small child, or you're not interested in marriage.

I understand that, but again, I want to make this something that we can all glean from God's Word, and if that is the case with you, then I ask you to think about it from a spiritual plane, from a spiritual level, the fact that God Jesus Christ himself will come and marry his bride, which is a church.

I'm going to give this a title, and I don't normally do that in my sermons, but I call this the seven ingredients of a healthy and loving marriage. And the reason I use that terminology is it's like making a gourmet meal. If you want to have a gourmet meal, there are certain ingredients. At the right amount, at the right measure, you have to have a gourmet meal.

Well, I want to tell you that your marriage may survive if you lack any of these ingredients. Many marriages, most marriages do.

Your marriage may survive and be fine if there are too little of some of these ingredients.

But if you want to have a gourmet marriage, if you want to have a marriage, and with both of you are just profoundly fulfilled, both of you are profoundly fulfilled, and gleaning the joys that God originally intended for marriage, that's what these ingredients are all about.

But before we look at the ingredients, I think we need to look at marriage from the beginning. If you turn to Genesis 2 and verse 18 and see where the institution of marriage came from. And again, these principles can also apply to how we deal with our children and our relationships, our parents, friends, mates, even our relationship with God. And since we're all preparing to become the bride of Christ, I encourage us to think of marriage on both the physical and spiritual level during this sermon. Genesis chapter 2 and verse 18. God creates the world and it's good, but there's something missing in Adam like there is in most men. In Genesis chapter 2 and verse 18, it says, and the Lord God said, it is not good that man should be alone. He sees how Adam is acting, how Adam is interacting with the world. And God can see that though his creation was good, there's still a missing link. There's something missing in Adam's life. He says, I will make him a helper comparable to him. And out of the dust of the ground, the Lord God formed every beast of the field and every bird of the air. And he brought them to Adam to see what he would call them and whatever Adam called each living creature. That was its name. So Adam gave names to all cattle, to the birds of the air, to every beast of the field. But for Adam, there was not found a helper comparable to him. Something to help him that was comparable, that was like him. That could relate to him. That could communicate with him on a very deep level and share. His thoughts and his goals and his emotions. His hopes, his dreams, his frustrations. Nothing else in the creation was able to do that. So in the midst of God's good creation, man was alone. Adam was alone. He needed something to complete him. He needed a helper.

And rather than being a demeaning term, I know I've talked to some people who felt right out of the gate here in Genesis 2 that this term helper somehow is demeaning of women, that a woman is a helper. I'd like to remind all of us that the same word describes God in Psalms chapter 33 and verse 1. He says, God is our help. It's the same Hebrew word, azar. So God is our help. There's nothing demeaning about this function. This word describes a function not one's worth. One does not lose value as a person by humbly assuming the role of a helper. Jesus Christ came to earth to be our helper as well as our Savior. He referred to the Holy Spirit as our helper in John's chapter, verses chapters 14 and 15 and 16. Different language, Greek, but still translated in our English as helper. So there's nothing demeaning about being a helper. The woman was to be a help to the man. The Hebrew word for helper again is azar. It's spelled EZAR. And the root of this word means to surround something, to kind of protect it, to aid it, to promote it. That's what the root of this Hebrew word is. Let's pick it up now in verse 21. And the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall on Adam, and he slept, and he took one of his ribs and closed up the flesh in its place. Then the rib which the Lord God had taken from the man he made into a woman, a new being, and God created it. And he, that is God, brought her to the man. This was so special. This was God's creation that he took this rib, created something that was compatible to Adam, a helper to him. And God himself, now that's authority, brought this woman to Adam. And here's what Adam said. This was a marriage covenant. And Adam said, this is now bone of my bones. This is nothing like any of these other animals that I saw and named. This comes from me. This is part of my life, my existence. That is where this helper, this beautiful woman came from. This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh. She shall be called woman because she was taken out of a man.

If you want to look at in 21st century parlleots, you could say she was almost a better clone of Adam. She came out of him, out of his cells, out of his body member, out of his side, to have the qualities that he lacked. Because the truth is, when every one of us were conceived in the womb, there were chemicals and there were DNA things going on in there that made us either male or female.

They gave us particular characteristics. Males have strengths within their makeup and females have strengths that are compatible with the weaknesses that males have in their makeup. Because of that, there is a need. There is a need for balance. There is a need for each other. Verse 24, Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined with his wives.

There comes a time when you can no longer be under the domineering influence of mommy or daddy, and you have to cut it, and you have to strike out on your own, and you have to create your own new family unit. No longer dwelling within the influence and the control of your mother and your father, and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.

And they were both naked, the man and the woman, and were not ashamed. I want you to notice that it was Adam who said this God brought this beautiful creation to Adam. Adam said this. What's going on here? Adam publicly proclaimed his union to his wife. We call that a marriage ceremony. They weren't sitting together in a bar and saying, hey, let's move in together. Okay, yeah, all right, that's convenient.

No, this was a public proclamation. He publicly proclaimed his union to this beautiful creation that God had made. In the presence of God, his mate and a servant, a serpent, I should say, probably was slithering among the leaves already thinking about what he was going to do. And, who knows, perhaps a heavenly host of angels that no one can see. Adam was making a covenant with his mate. They were now to be fused, glued together, and become one team, a partnership. And this verse emphasizes the complete identification of two different personalities in a marriage. The passage tells us that God instituted marriage. God made the woman. He brought the woman to the man. The man publicly proclaimed in front of God and these witnesses. Does this sound like something you might have heard in a marriage ceremony?

That's the way covenants are public proclamations. You buy your home, you go to a bank, you sign. Usually there's a witness that signs that contract. That is a proclamation that you're making that this is a covenant. Marriage is a public proclamation. Now, maybe the laws have changed, but it used to be, even if you went to the justice of the peace, who was a witness himself and did your wedding, that oftentimes there still was an additional witness on that marriage certificate. It might be the clerk, it might be the judge's wife or the JP's wife or whatever, but usually there are witnesses. That is a marriage ceremony. We need to understand that God instituted this kind of a relationship in which people publicly declare in front of witnesses that we are committed to one another as a union. And it doesn't matter whether your culture has you in front of a justice of the peace or under a canopy or jumping over a broomstick, whatever your culture has dictated that is part of that public declaration that you and this person are now soulmates for life is marriage. It's just that simple. Marriage is to be monogamous, as we see by this example. It is to be heterosexual. God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve. And it's the complete union of two persons into one relationship. So with this background, let's talk about the seven ingredients to a healthy and loving marriage. Number one is communication. Communication. You need to routinely talk and share your deepest feelings with your mate. You need to talk to one another. If you don't talk to one another, you can't have a very healthy relationship. You know, I traveled for many, many years, and my wife can vouch for this, I traveled for many, many years out of state, traveling all over the United States, but every night I called home. And I'll tell you how I learned that lesson. As a young salesman, I was mentored by a gentleman named the Burge. His first name, I won't tell you his last name. He was my mentor. He was a very talented salesman, very gifted man. But one week, his wife called in and said, Excuse me, she said, does anyone know where Burge is this week? And it just kind of... I was kind of dumbfounded. Here was a man who was married to his wife. He would be gone for five days. She didn't know where he was. I found out through asking questions that he never called home, so he would disappear for five days every week, traveling around the country. They wouldn't even talk. And then he'd show back up again for the weekend. He'd take care of his luggage and he'd haul out for another trip the next Monday or the next Sunday night. And it hit home to me the importance, even if you're traveling, even if it's just for five minutes, to chit-chat on the phone, to communicate with one another, we need to routinely talk and share your deepest feelings with your mate. Let's go to Proverbs chapter 25 and verse 11.

Proverbs chapter 25 and verse 11. God created marriage and intended husband and wife to share their most intimate thoughts. If we aren't sharing our intimate thoughts, then God had no reason to create a helper for us. We might as well be living with a dog. And it's okay to have a dog in your family. That's fine. But you're not going to have a deeply intimate conversation emotionally and intellectually with your dog, unless you learn to bark. It's just not going to happen, because they do not have the reasoning and creative capabilities, as a partner does, as your spouse does. So let's go to, again, Proverbs chapter 25 verse 11. I want to remind us that Eve wasn't taken from Adam's foot. She wasn't created so he could walk all over her. She wasn't taken from his posterior so that he could sit on her. She was taken from his side to represent a lifelong relationship of partnership between the two of them. They were partners through life working and growing and standing side by side. And that partnership can only grow if you communicate, if you talk to one another. Proverbs chapter 25 verse 11, it says, a word fitly spoken. That means spoken at the right time, measured in the right way, meaning something that's encouraging, something that's positive, something that builds up. A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver. It's a beautiful landscape painting. It's a beautiful picture. A picture of this silver set, maybe a tray and goblets. And sitting on this beautiful glistening silver set are apples of solid gold sitting there. What a beautiful picture! That is, what great worth you see in that picture. Like an earring of gold and an ornament of fine gold, a wise rebuker is a wise rebuker to an obedient ear. What is a wise rebuker? A wise rebuker is someone who says, I know at the right time when to say something to my mate. The right time to point out a weakness that they have.

You see, it's all about good communication. I'm going to read this in a translation of God's Word for today. It says, like golden apples in silver settings is a word spoken at the right time. Like a gold ring and a fine ornament, so is constructive criticism to the ear of one who listens. So communication cultivates in emotional depth to a relationship. It means you have to talk to each other.

Minds and personalities need to engage. They need to meet. And any time a person puts too much emphasis on their own job, or on their own hobbies, or on their own personal wants, instead of spending time as a couple, it's going to create conflict. And most men, frankly, spend too much time in the job when they are unhappy at home.

That's the reality of it. They have replaced their relationship at home with their job. So that is a warning sign. That is a sign that there is an issue, that there is a problem going on. You have to spend time together. Too many people create invisible barriers between themselves and others, simply because they don't know how to communicate.

Communication with your mate isn't preaching. It isn't lecturing, nagging, and haranguing. It isn't about getting your way. But communication is an interpersonal talking and sharing of ideas and thoughts during the day. It's a give and take with an emphasis on listening. It's an emphasis on listening, not talking. I have to tell you as a pastor that in every situation that I have ever come in contact with, a marriage that was struggling, without exception, in every instance, there was at least one of the two parties who talked too much, who were always pointing out their faults of the other person. They were never good enough. They were always haranguing and pointing out their weaknesses.

And that leads to conflict. That's not good, healthy communication. That is not being a help. That's being a hindrance to that relationship. So that again was point number one. Communication, you need to routinely talk and share your deepest feelings with your mate. A word fitly spoken. The right time, positive, measured, saying things with wisdom, rather than just constantly talking, talking, talking, talking, talking, to try to dominate the relationship.

And frankly, when people talk too much in a relationship, they are usually trying to dominate it. They're usually trying to compensate for something that's lacking on the inside of them. And I won't get into the psychology of that. That's not my point today. Here's point number two. Trust. And this is a very important attribute in any marriage. Trust is the firm belief in another's honesty and their responsibility in having confidence in them. Trust. Now we tend to think of trust as fidelity, but it's much more than that. Let's take a look at Proverbs chapter 31, verse 10.

We've heard the phrase, The virtuous wife. When I was a young teenager in the church, I and my fellow friends would always talk about how we wanted to marry a virtuous woman. What a year it goes. Well, I want to marry a virtuous woman. I want to marry the kind of woman in Proverbs 31. That's what we would say to ourselves over and over again. And it never dawned upon us that the reason she could reach this level of potential is because her husband was a Proverbs chapter 1 through 30 husband. That's why she had the potential of becoming a Proverbs 31 wife. But nonetheless, let's read what it says here.

Who can find a virtuous wife? The Hebrew is a woman of strength. That's what the Hebrew word means. A woman of strength. It's talking about character, integrity, moral strength. Again, this is Proverbs chapter 31 and verse 10. Who can find a virtuous wife for her worth is above rubies. The heart of her husband safely trusts her. How does the heart of her husband safely trust her?

She's a responsible person. She knows what she wants to do. We'll see. She's got a lot of goals. She's very ambitious. She knows what she wants to do, and she does it. She keeps her word. She is very responsible and committed in all the things that she gets involved in. It says, so he will have no lack of gain, meaning he's going to have everything he needs if he's fortunate enough to find a virtuous wife. Verse 12, she does him good and not evil all the days of her life. She is a help to him, not a hindrance.

She's an encourager. She helps him rise higher. She doesn't pull him down with some sick, demented view of that there's competition in this marriage, and I have to dominate him. She does good to him and not evil all the days of her life. She seeks wool and flax and willingly works with her hands. The next verse is talking about something that we can't totally relate to in the 21st century, but from the perspective of the time this was written, just how ambitious, how goal-oriented she is. The many things she does. Verse 14, she's like the merchant ships. She brings her food from afar. In contrast, my wife shops at Bueller's. You have to relate some of these things to the 21st century.

She also rises while it is yet night and provides food for her household. And a portion of her maidservants, she considers a field and buys it from her profits. She plants a vineyard. We have women who are real estate agents who do buying and selling all the time. So again, we have to look at this from a 21st century view to get the most out of it, to glean its application for our lives. She girds herself with strength and strengthens her arms. You could say in a modern sense, she works out. She's fit. She takes care of herself physically. She perceives that her merchandise is good and her lamp does not go out by night. She stretches out her hands to the disc staff. This was a staff that was used for holding raw wool that you use with a spindle to make clothing. And her hand holds the spindle. She extends her hand to the poor. She's involved in her community. She cares about those who have need. I believe it was Helen's funeral. One of her grandsons remembered someone coming up who was hungry and homeless. They may have even asked for money. She didn't give them money, but she made them a great meal. They said they were hungry. She provided instantly a fabulous meal for that person who was hungry to eat. She extends her hand to the poor. Yet she reaches her hands to the needy. She is not afraid of snow for her household. In the 21st century, that means Mrs. Thomas says, go out and run the snowblower. She is not afraid of snow for her household. For all her household is clothed with scarlet. In its original context, it means everyone is well clothed. They're warm. They're ready to put up with the winter colds. She makes tapestry for herself. Her clothing is fine linen and purple. In a nutshell, she is responsible and she gets things done. In a 21st century perspective, she is ambitious. She has goals. She serves her family. She serves her community. She is a wonderful example for her husband. Her husband can trust in her. As it said, he can safely trust in her. That was verse 11. If trust isn't present in a relationship, then there is poison in the relationship and eventually the relationship will come apart. Trust, like loyalty, is something that you're usually given when the relationship begins, when you're first married. But it has to be reinforced by positive behavior. If you don't demonstrate that positive behavior, you're not trustworthy. A lack of trust damages a marriage, creating a wall. If it's ever violated in a marriage, and I'm going to give different areas in which trust can be violated. If trust is ever violated, it shouldn't simply be swept under a rug. It has to be acknowledged and not glossed over. It's got to be worked out and the couple has to start to rebuild all over again. Usually, when trust is eroded, the credibility of one party or another is shot.

And it has to be rebuilt all over again. Trust can be violated in many different ways. We tend to think of it as sexual. And certainly, if there's infidelity, that is one of the legitimate reasons Jesus gave for divorce, if your mate is unfaithful. That's a violation of your trust. But other examples are squandering money. You look in the bank account, and you go, honey, what happened to the thousand dollars that was there last month? Oh, I went out and bought clothes for the kids. That is a violation of someone's trust.

It's very hard for people to trust you when you've done something like that. That's an example of a violation of one's trust. What are some other examples? Emotional abuse. You call someone in your relationship stupid, ugly, a moron, an idiot.

You use harsh terms and labels for someone. You have squandered that trust relationship. That's a form of abuse. Another is just outright lying. Someone says, do you pull up in a brand new car in the driveway? Oh, did you buy that car? Oh, no, I just got it from Hertz Rent-A-Car, and I'm going to have it for three or four days. And a week later, that car still sits in the driveway because you're just on 36 easy monthly payments and bought that new car without telling your spouse or your mate.

That's lying to them. If you lie enough times, even over simple little things to your spouse, you will violate trust. Another real problem of the day is porn and addiction to porn. If you go into a room and you discover a stack of Playboy magazines under your spouse's bed, that's a violation of trust. That's a violation of the kind of relationship that you had. So trust is a healthy ingredient that has to be present in every great marriage, every good marriage. So again, point number two was trust. A very important attribute. And again, that's defined by Webster's as honesty, responsibility, and confidence. The ingredient number three, as we're putting together, these ingredients to have a gourmet marriage, just a great relationship, is cherishing each other with genuine love.

Cherishing each other with genuine love. Let's go to the Song of Songs, chapter four. That's one we don't turn to very often, isn't it? The Song of Songs, chapter four. Because I can see some of you are struggling, I will give you a little hint so you know where to locate it. It's right after the Song of Songs, chapter three. Point number three is cherishing each other with genuine love. Webster's defines cherishing as to hold something dear, to cling to, to nurture it.

That's what cherishing someone is with genuine love. I'll be the first one to admit that what we're about to read here are the attitudes of the beloved groom on his honeymoon. And it is difficult to maintain these kind of attitudes in our marriage because he's on his honeymoon, he's in his first love, and to him, his beloved can do no wrong. She's perfect in every way. But let's read about it. Song of Songs, chapter four, verse one. Behold, you are fair, my love.

Behold, you are fair. You have dove's eyes behind your veil. Your hair is like a flock of goats going down from Mount Gellia. Now, again, we have to have a 21st century perspective. These may not be exactly desirable traits. Don't go home and tell your wife that her hair is like a flock of goats because she's probably going to ask you to leave the room, if not the house. Anyway, your hair is like a flock of goats going down to Mount Gellia. Your teeth are like a flock of shorn sheep which have come up from the washing.

That means she brushed your teeth. That's good. Every one of which bears twins. Your pearly whites are really nice looking. And none is barren among them. You don't have any teeth missing. That's a pretty good attribute. Verse 3, your lips. I want you to notice his emphasis on her character, physical beauty. He started with her eyes, her hair. He's talking about her teeth, her lips. He'll go on to her mouth and her temples and her neck. Your lips are like a strand of scarlet and your mouth is lovely. Your temples behind your veil are like a piece of palm granite. I'm sure that was very exciting back then.

It does nothing for me, but I'm sure that meant something then. Verse 4, your neck is like the Tower of David built for an armory of which hang a thousand bucklers, all shields of mighty men. Boy, isn't that really... it tingles up and down your spine, doesn't it?

Verse 5, I'll kind of skip because this is a family church, and I'll just say that he found her physical features quite desirable. Verse 6, until the day breaks and the shadows flee away, I will go my way to the mountain of myrrh and to the hill of frankincense.

You are all fair, my love. There is no spot in you. I agree that that's rather idealized. First of all, she was a human being. Was there some flaw in her? Sure there was. I mean, from the perspective of the 21st century, she probably smelled like a goat.

So she might not be my cup of tea, but from the eyes of her beloved, he could find no fault in her. She was perfect, just as she was. I want you to notice how he was cherishing his mate. And I realize this was during their honeymoon period, but it's good for us to remember how we first felt when we met our mate, and try to recapture some of those feelings.

I want you to notice he didn't focus on her flaws. She had that flaw. She was a human being. But he focused on her wonderful qualities. He saw the glass as half full, not half empty. In his eyes, she could do no wrong. Let's go now to Ephesians chapter 5 and verse 25. Ephesians chapter 5 and verse 25. And see how Paul here weaves a beautiful tapestry regarding the marriage to your spouse or mate with Jesus Christ coming to marry the church. Which Paul himself refers to as a mystery, as something that most people don't get or understand.

That you, as God's people, you as the church of God, spiritually speaking, are preparing to be his bride, to be in the family of God, to be part of God in his family. And that's very beautiful, and that is a mystery that most people could not comprehend. Ephesians chapter 5 and verse 25. Husbands, love your wives just as Christ also loved the church and gave himself for her. So how much did Jesus Christ love the church?

He gave his total commitment to the church. Just like we should give total commitment to our wives, in our fidelity, in the way that we treat them, because the way you treat your spouse is the way that you're treating Jesus Christ. Have you ever thought about that? Would you nag the Jesus Christ? Would you whine the Jesus Christ? Maybe once you would. Would you complain to Jesus Christ?

Yet we find that so easy to do to our spouses. And if they have God's Spirit, as Jesus said, inasmuch as you did it to the least of one of these, you did it unto me. If your maid is in the faith, they are one of those that Jesus Christ was talking about. He gave total commitment to the church, and we too should give love and loyalty, respect and patience to our wives.

Because here's the truth. When you entered a relationship with another human being, what you didn't see is the trainload of invisible baggage that they brought with them from growing up. You can't see it. It's baggage. It's all of their experiences. It's the influence of mom and dad in their lives growing up.

It's the school they went to. It's the time they were bullied. It's the weird uncle that was in the family. It's all of those things that happened to them in their lifetimes. And because, like the song of songs, we are looking at someone, ideally, we do not realize that they come, and we come into every relationship with trunks of invisible baggage.

And as that marriage goes on, what happens is every time your marriage is stressed, for some reason or another, financially, sexually, lack of communication, child-wearing issues, whatever it is, every time your relationship is stressed, your mate goes over there and pulls out one of those individual pieces of baggage that they brought into the relationship. And oftentimes, that's when you begin to discover who and what they really are. So that is the truth of every relationship. And our goal in that relationship is to allow the love of Christ to overwhelm ourselves and continue to have this attitude of nurturing and love, even as we begin to see the weaknesses that exist in our spouse, in our mate. Let's continue looking at this analogy that Paul is drawing in verse 26.

So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies. You who loves his wife loves himself. So husbands, how much should we love our wives? As much as we want to take care of ourselves. And most of us baby ourselves, because we want to be comfortable, don't we? We want to be healthy. We want to feel good. We want to be around a long time. So husbands, we tend to baby to cherish ourselves. He says this is the way that we should act towards our wives. Verse 29, Again, tying back to Genesis 2, we saw that. Adam said, she is flesh of my flesh and bone of my bones. That's exactly what Jesus Christ is doing in a spiritual way. We are all members of that body.

Verse 31, Of course they understood what he was saying, that the church is being prepared to become the bride of Christ at his return to this earth.

The entered literally become part of the family of God. People who don't understand that to them, it's a great mystery.

Verse 33, Respect is a very important term, because you respect your husband by not contradicting him. You respect your husband by being a help rather than a hindrance.

You respect your husband by not being contentious, by not thinking that you always have to have a retort to everything that he says.

Paul is drawing a remarkable comparison here between physical marriage and Christ's relationship with his bride, the church.

And we should cherish our own mates like we do our own flesh. Your mate should be special in your eyes.

As a matter of fact, you need to let your mate know that they're special in your eyes for the simple reason that they exist, for nothing else.

The fact that they're there involved in your life and supporting you and are with you should make us so very thankful that God has given us that blessing.

I want you to remember that when you constantly put yourself down in front of your mate, you make other people look better in their eyes.

Don't put yourself down in front of your mate. Don't be negative about yourself, because you just raise everyone up to a higher level when you do that.

As a husband and as a wife, I encourage you to show other members of your family and to your mate that you cherish each other. Within a family, there should be open affection that are seen by the children.

You know, our children are to the point, they get to a point of teenager where they're deciding, am I buying into this institution or am I not buying into this institution?

And if they see mom and dad are affectionate and they have a great relationship, they're going to desire to buy into that institution.

If mom and dad are like two ships in the night who are in a relationship of convenience, who rarely talk to one another, never kiss each other, I've never seen them hold hands, who obviously are aloof, and when dad is gone, mom's complaining to him about me, and when mom is gone, dad is complaining about her to me, then they're not going to buy into marriage as an institution.

Our example is that powerful. Our children should see open affection between us. They should never see us having conflict.

Now, every marriage has conflict, but we need to deal with those things privately together and not in front of the children, not in front of anyone else.

A few years ago, before our church split a number of years ago, there used to be a couple who attended with us who are not part of this congregation, and a number of times they wouldn't know that I would be behind them, I would be walking into the school building, and they would be at each other and arguing, and here they're walking in the church on the Sabbath day, and they'd be arguing with one another on the way to church.

I just found that to be such a paradox, a contrast, to the Sabbath, which is supposed to be a day that pictures peace, that pictures a time of reconciliation of all mankind with their God, and here they would be arguing with one another.

In contrast to arguing, we need to cherish one another.

And how do you cherish someone? First of all, you tell them that you cherish them. You say those words.

You do small things, you bring them flowers. If they like flowers, occasionally get them a small gift, an unexpected gift when they don't think they're going to receive one.

Take a walk together, watch a movie together. Maybe share your favorite beverage, just sitting chatting for a while.

Play together, have fun, be a team. And these are the little ways in which we cherish one another, in which we love one another.

Point number four. Can point number three, was cherishing each other with genuine love?

Point number four is listen, don't lecture to your mate. Listen, don't lecture to your mate. Proverbs chapter 10 and verse 19. Proverbs chapter 10 and verse 19. It says, Proverbs chapter 10 and verse 19, in a multitude of words, sin is not lacking.

But he who restrains his lips is wise. What does that mean? It means that if you have an opinion on everything, if you think that you constantly have to have commentary in your marriage, it's only a matter of time until you say something wrong.

In a multitude of words, sin is not lacking. It's only a matter of time if it's talk, talk, talk, correction, correction, correction, nag, nag, nag, my opinion, my opinion, my opinion, then eventually you are going to sin. You are going to say something wrong. You're going to hit someone's hot button. But he who restrains his lips is wise. I'm going to read this from the translation of God's word for today.

Sin is unavoidable when there is much talk. But whoever seals his lips is wise. Not everything your spouse says requires an answer.

Odds are that your mate is an adult. I'll just take that for granted that your mate is an adult.

They don't need lecturing. They don't need commentary. They don't need correction. They don't need a daily sermon from you.

They may simply be venting if they make a comment. They may be thinking out loud. They may be making a rhetorical statement. By its very nature, the meaning of rhetorical, rhetorical statement is one that does not require an answer.

And again, if we have this relationship because of our personality where we think that we have to have a comment on everything, that we have to be right about everything, and that we're a know-it-all, our mate is going to find us irritating and annoying.

In the multitude of words, sin is not lacking, but he who restrains his lips is wise. Let's go to Proverbs 15, a few chapters away, verse 2. Proverbs 15, verse 2.

Do you realize that lecturing or constantly making comments to your mate actually backfires?

They get so tired of being lectured to, they actually dig in their heels and resist long after the point is made. Long after they would have made conscious efforts to change their behavior and become different just out of spite. Because they're so irritated, they dig in their heels for a long, long time. No one appreciates being treated as if they're a simpleton, as if they're ignorant or as if they're a small child.

Proverbs 15, verse 2. The tongue of the wise uses knowledge rightly, but the mouth of fools pours forth foolishness.

So a wise person does not say everything that needs to be said. A wise person does not need to feel like they constantly have to be lecturing someone or having an opinion on every matter that doesn't require one. A wise person uses knowledge rightly. There's a time to make a comment, there's a time to speak up, there's a time to give input, and there is a time to let it slide. There's a time to let it go. In continuing it says, but the mouth of fools pours forth foolishness. Fools have a dogmatic opinion about everything that doesn't require one. They're like a talking parrot. If you say a trigger word or a phrase, you can be sure a rehearsed squawk is going to come out of them in response to that trigger word or phrase that you use. That's how rehearsed they are. In contrast, people with wisdom measure their words and they use them when it's appropriate.

A good key to listening, having listening skills, is to develop empathy for your mate. Learn to understand their viewpoint. Their viewpoint on things are going to be different than your viewpoint. They have a different background, they had a different family, they had different life experiences before they met you, and since they've lived with you, they have interpreted life experiences differently than you have. So develop an empathy, put yourself in their shoes, look at things from their viewpoint, and that will encourage you to have understanding and compassion for them. You will encourage them, you will excite them to grow rather than discourage them. We shouldn't be blind to our mate's faults or our own, but we shouldn't be overbearing and discouraging to them either. And again, that is point number four. Well, here's what I'm going to do today. There is no possible way I could finish this sermon. I'm only on point number four. So I'm going to end this sermon today. We'll call this part one because of Mr. Thomas's either A, lack of preparation, or B, grand verbosity, that he didn't know when to rapidly get through each point. But we're going to wrap it up today. This was, we will call these the first four ingredients. I'll cover my tracks here. We will call these, Mr. Graham laughs at me, we will call these the first four of the seven ingredients to a happy and healthy marriage. And next time, we will cover the other three ingredients. Meanwhile, have a wonderful Sabbath. And a reminder, those of you in the baptism classes, we will start those classes about 20 minutes after services. Have a great Sabbath.