How Do Christians Have Healthy Disagreements with Other Christians?

Please be seated. Now the main message again, the sermon, Pastor Randy Delosanto.

You know, for those of you who are visitors, we normally don't have it like this where I'm the one-man show. Unless you think I've got this horrible ego. The fat fellow always has to be up here doing things. By the way, I just wanted to make mention we're really happy to have Alexis back after her surgery. She's there. She always is nice and chipper and just happy to see her back.

I'll turn off the lights before we leave.

Brethren, there's a serious subject I'd like to speak with you today about. What do Christians, what do believers do who have differences of opinion on serious matters? Now, we're not talking at all today about doctrine. But what do Christians, what do believers do who have differences of opinion, serious differences on different matters?

Matters that are very important to them. Where do they go when there seems to be no common ground and neither party seems to want to give an inch on their stand? How do they handle the situation when all the talks have been fruitless and they find themselves at the crossroads of anger and hurt? I think all of us have been there. I think all of us have found ourselves in situations where we may love the other individual, we may respect the other individual, but we seem to really be butting heads. What do we do in a situation like that? And that happens quite frequently. That's the human condition. Now, there's a case example that we might turn our attention to over here in Acts, Chapter 15. Let's go over there in Acts, Chapter 15 and see some of the people in the New Testament we respect so very much and how they had some people problems. Acts, Chapter 15. Here in Acts 15 you've got the conference. There was a lot of questions about how certain things should be done. There was a ministerial conference. A decision was made. That decision went out to the churches at large and the people rejoiced over the decision that was made. But now, right on the heels of that, notice what it says here in Acts, Chapter 15, Verse 36.

After some days, Paul said to Barnabas, Let us now go back and visit our brethren in every city where we've preached the word of the Lord and see how they're doing. Paul had gone to various churches. He had raised up churches. He had been with people when they were sick. He worked with them toward baptism. He did a lot of things with these people and he was really concerned. He wasn't able to pick up a telephone. He wasn't able to have Skype and see them face to face. But you say, I want to go visit them. I want to see how they're doing. I want to see if they're doing well. If they're not doing well, maybe I can encourage them. So this was on his mind. Verse 37. Barnabas was determined to take with him what John called Mark. John Mark was the one who wrote the Gospel of the Book of Mark. It says here explicitly that Barnabas really wanted to take John Mark. Now, John Mark was his relative. He might have been a nephew. He might have been some other kind of blood relative. But he was a blood relative to Barnabas. I think what's implied here in verse 37 is that Barnabas was just as determined to go see the brethren as was Paul. They really wanted to go see the brethren, but Barnabas wanted to take John Mark. Verse 38. But Paul insisted that they should not take with them the one who was departed from them in Pamphylia, and had not gone with them to do the work. For whatever the reason, maybe it's because John Mark was young at that time. It was always a very dangerous time. Maybe it was too dangerous for his liking. They went on a missionary journey, and John Mark simply part of the way through said, you know, enough. And he went back home. Paul didn't care for that. Barnabas was an encourager. He was a family member. He said, you know, John Mark's really changed. Paul wasn't convinced that it changed. Verse 39.

So here you see a situation where great men of God, great men of God, had a very healthy disagreement with one another. They separated ways. Now, there are a number of things we can learn from this, and I don't want to spend my whole time here today. But one of the things that we don't learn, I mean, there'd be some people that think, would say that, well, you know, we as Christians, we as believers, there are times we simply go our separate ways. But when you study the Scriptures, you find out that Paul, later on in his ministry, was reconciled. We don't know when, but Paul and Mark were reconciled. As a matter of fact, toward the end of the Apostle Paul's life, he realized, you know, God was giving him a premonition or a prophecy or something, that his days were coming to an end. And Paul said, asked for John Mark to bring the parchments.

Paul realized that he needed to do his work to gather his letters that were sent out to the churches, because God was revealing to him that he was going to be a part, his writings were going to be a part of the New Testament. And he wanted those writings back. He wanted to take a look at those. He wanted to let people know, these need to be set aside. These are something permanent. This is something that God wants Christians of all ages to be able to read. And who did he entrust that to? He entrusted that to John Mark. Please bring me those very special papers. So we don't see two people who go off on their own and never come back together. We see people here who worked out their differences, worked out their disagreements, and they came back together.

And like with every church group that I've known and others I've not been a part of, there are groups that will split off. They'll have factions. They'll have this group coming off of that group, and so on and so forth. These men didn't start their own group. Both men made sure that they always, if there was a question about things, they went back to the headquarters of the church. They would go to the headquarters of the church in Jerusalem. They would ask for guidance. They didn't start their own individual organization. And I think there's a lesson there for us. I'm not going to turn there, but Paul, writing to the Romans, said, We know that all things work together for good to those who love God. All things work together for good. Now, is unnecessary division in the church, in the body, is that something good? No. It's not good. That's not what God's desire is. It's not good for unnecessary division. You can have honest conflict, and these men had an honest conflict. There was a people issue. It was an honest conflict. But when you look at this situation, you don't find anybody here exerting authority improperly. You don't find anybody here trying to get their own way. You don't find anybody here seeking their own purposes. We don't see jealousy here. There's not a power grab going on here. And unfortunately, sometimes that has happened with the people of God through the ages. It's not the case here. Now, I boil all this down, and again I ask the question, when there are disagreements, and these fellows had disagreements, how do you and I as Christians, as believers, how do we handle, and again we're not talking doctrine, how do we handle differences of opinion, great differences of opinion? Do we just walk away from one another? How do we handle that? Some points of truth. Disagreements are inevitable. We're going to have them. We're human beings. And just the way we are wired, we are going to have our disagreements. People are complex, more complex than computers. People are different. For example, male and female. Males will think along certain lines, females along certain lines, and sometimes it's really interesting to compare that. It doesn't make one right and the other wrong, just a difference of perspective. Now, disagreements, although inevitable, can be dangerous. Because if we're not careful, disagreements can lead to anger. Anger can lead to estrangement. Estrangement can lead to payback. None of those things are what God wants for His people. But here's something else, since another point of truth, and that is that disagreements do not necessarily equal conflict. Disagreements don't necessarily equal conflict. They can, but they don't necessarily have to. Sometimes when you and I disagree with one another or other people, we can actually grow. We'll talk about that during the course of the sermon today. We can actually grow. We all have our points of view. But there are times when other people will come and expose their point of view, and if we'll open up our mind, open up our ears, if we will be believers who are doing what the Bible tells us to do, we might actually say, You know what? They've got a better idea. They've got a more scriptural idea. Their idea has more biblical backing to what I'm thinking. I need to listen to what they're saying. So even though they might start off with a disagreement or what some people might call a conflict, doesn't necessarily have to be that way. One man said that church members are like porcupines. We need each other, but we also needle each other. And he also went on to say that we as believers have our good points, but sometimes we can't get near one another.

So I want to ask a question today, and in the course of the sermon, begin to answer the question. The question is this, for you who like to take notes. How do Christians have healthy disagreements with other Christians? How do we have healthy disagreements? Is there such a thing as a healthy disagreement? How do Christians have healthy disagreements with other Christians? Today, in the preparation of the sermon, I used the preacher's outline and sermon Bible commentary. I also used the life application commentary. And there was an article by Calvin's son entitled, Ten Ways to Handle Disagreements Effectively. I'm not going to go through all of Calvin's son's ten different ways, but I'm going to cover several of them. Because I think that they are biblical in nature. He is a businessman. He wrote it from a businessman's perspective. But we have the greatest book in the universe that tells us the principles we need to live by. And this will be our guide. So let me go through just a few of the tips that Calvin's son gave. Tip number one. Very important. Tip number one. Make sure there really is a disagreement. Those of us who are married. I mean, I hear chuckling. We all go through it. Hubby says one thing, wifey says another thing, we think we're disagreeing, but we're basically sometimes coming at it from a different perspective than our mate. We can be saying the same thing, but because we're coming from a different perspective, it seems like we're disagreeing. Well, we're really not. We're really not. Now, I'm going to go through a couple of things. Now, there's a bumper sticker that was out some time ago, and the bumper sticker was really choice. It said, be reasonable. Do it my way.

Be reasonable. Do it my way. If we all did it our own way, then we wouldn't be disagreeing with anybody. But that's not life, is it? That's not life. Whether we're talking to church, whether we're talking to our families, whether we're talking to the workplace or our neighborhood, we're going to have disagreements with other people. However, if we properly handle those disagreements, they can lead to productive gains. They can lead to unexpected solutions.

If everyone thought like you did, if everyone thought like I did, the world would be a pretty blah place. Pretty boring.

And as the author went on to say, he said, we need to embrace disagreement, because that expands our horizons. Now, we're not talking about embracing conflict. We're not talking about embracing negative things. But we want to embrace the idea that we're going to have a dialogue with other people. We're going to keep our mind. Again, we're not talking doctrine. We're talking about, you know, should we buy a red car or a black car? Should we buy a suit or a sports coat? You know, those kinds of things. And even things that would be much more important. Do I go to the hospital or not go to the hospital? Do I ask for the church to pray for me? Do I go to a doctor? Do I do both? You know, any number of things that people can have different opinions on, that can be quite serious.

As an example, Calvin's son in his article said, he asked the question, have you ever witnessed a violent agreement? A violent agreement. I thought it was an interesting way of putting words together. But it could be funny, actually, as long as you're not the one involved in this. He said, let me give you an example. Person A says, on Monday, the new release won't be available for at least two days.

Person B says, that's ridiculous, we won't have it until Thursday.

Now, there's no disagreement between those two people. But Person B was expecting to hear a specific day, not an interval of days. Person B wasn't listening carefully enough. And that, brethren, so many times, is the reason why we have issues and disagreements with one another, is because we're not listening carefully to what the other party is saying. We need to make sure that we're listening carefully to what they're saying. If we fail to listen, we're going to respond to what we think the other person is saying. We're going to respond to what we think is the other person's position, as opposed to what the truth really is. And so we start off with a false premise, and it only gets worse from there. We need to make sure there really is a disagreement. Second example he cites is that Person A says, Person B says, Bologna, he played for the Red Sox. Well, for those of you who aren't sports fans, you realize he played for both. Person B's mistake is thinking that playing for the Yankees was mutually exclusive. He couldn't have played for the Red Sox. Well, he played for both. So again, it's a matter of listening carefully. Now, we made mention that the Bible gives us the principle here about how we should be able to conduct ourselves with disagreements. Turn to James 1, a tremendous scripture dealing with disagreements. And how to properly handle them. James 1.

James being the half-brother of Jesus Christ. Growing up in the same household with Jesus. James 1.

Verse 19. James 1.19. So then, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear. Notice that. Be swift to hear. Slow to speak and slow to wrath. For the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God. Now, whenever you and I get angry towards somebody else, that's where our... it's like Star Trek. Our shields go up. Nothing can penetrate our shields because we've put up the shields. We're angry. We can't think straight. Nothing the other person says is going to... We're not going to listen because we're angry. We're upset. And so the whole idea here is, as it says in verse 19, Be swift to hear.

Slow to speak. In other words, you know, search for... The Proverbs say over and over, search for understanding. Too many times we have too much fast-talking and not enough quick listening. Too much fast-talking. In our church culture, that many times is too true for too many of us. We know the Word of God because we know the Word of God. Whatever comes our way, we've got an answer for that. We understand. We'll just whip out the Scriptures. We'll give them the Word of God. Sometimes we're not really listening to the other person. And that's where anger comes in because the other person realizes, you know, you're just not listening to me. You're not hearing me. The words are going out of my mouth, but you know, you shut yourself down, you've closed yourself off, you've got a wall around you, and you're not listening to me. And when that sort of thing takes place, people mentally... They may be standing there, but mentally they start walking away. Emotionally they begin walking away. Over in Ecclesiastes, chapter 7, I want to read this to you in the God's Word version, but you can follow along. Ecclesiastes, chapter 7, verse 9, Ecclesiastes 7, verse 9, where it says, Don't be quick to get angry, because anger is typical of fools.

Don't be quick to get angry, because anger is typical of fools.

So, tip number one, make sure there really is a disagreement.

There really is a disagreement.

You know, just as I'm going through this, it strikes me about the old story about the three blind men who came upon an elephant.

And the one grabbed the elephant's tail and said, The elephant is like a rope. That was his perspective. The elephant is like a rope.

And talking to him, he knew exactly what an elephant was like. It was his experience. The other blind man went to the elephant and felt the body and said, No, the elephant is like a wall.

And the third grabbed the trunk and said, No, an elephant is like a snake. Now, all three were speaking to their experience. All three felt the elephant was thus and such. But in some ways, they really weren't disagreeing, because they were seeing different things on the elephant, but they weren't putting all their information together. And we want to make sure that as believers, as Christians, that we are solving some of these disagreements we have. We need to get all the facts together. We need to really get people's perspectives and really explore where they are coming from. And when we do that, we get a better overall picture of things. And we may find that the elephant was all those things.

So tip number one, make sure there really is a disagreement. Tip number two, and tip number two may be the greatest part of the thing I'll be talking about today. Tip number two, separate yourself from your position.

Separate yourself from your position.

Too many times, what we tend to do is our position, our thought, it's the empirical self, it's me. This is what I think. And if someone wants to challenge you, they're not challenging your position, they're challenging you. And that's where hurt comes in. That's where anger comes in. Because we have identified that our position is synonymous with us.

In his work, The Psychology of Computer Programming, Gerald Weinberg describes the concept of eagoless programming. He says, under this concept, a team of technical programmers, including the author of a program, reviews the program for errors. The less defensive the programmer feels about his own program, the more productive the review process. In other words, the process goes more smoothly if the programmer separates himself or herself from the program and doesn't view discovered errors as a personal attack. We're going to think about it for a moment. How many times have you and I been injured? How many times have you been hurt? Because you or I have taken our position on something, somebody disagrees with that, and we feel they're attacking us.

We need to try to adopt the view that you don't have your position, you have a position. Again, we're not talking doctrine here. We have a position on something.

The other guy has got a position on something. I've got a position, they've got a position. And what we're going to strive to do is work the problem.

Where we've had conflict, where we've had disagreement, where we've had hurt feelings, people don't work the problem, they work the other person.

We don't want to work the other person. The other person isn't the problem. There may be a way of thinking that either you or the other person may need to alter or change or amend, but we're not trying to get into somebody's life and change them from top to bottom.

By continually returning to the core of the disagreement, the issue, and staying focused on the issue, you and I can alleviate the all-too-easy tendency to start name-calling or thinking negatively. And even if you don't say things to the other person, you don't call names. If you're thinking negatively, if you've got this negative mindset toward the other, that's going to come out in our body language, that may be coming out verbally, it may come out in our tone, it may come out in any number of ways that is very off-putting to the other person. We've got to be very careful about that. Most of the time, you or I, what we're discussing, who you are and what I am, that's not at stake. We're discussing an issue. That issue needs to be refined. That issue needs to be resolved. We don't need to refine and resolve the person. And to me, that's such a key part of this whole situation about having a healthy disagreement. And isn't that what the Bible tells us? God loves us. He hates our sin. We are to love one another. We may disagree with another person's point of view, but we love the other person. Mr. Rhodes, being from the London area, has many times talked about what it was like growing up in London. And how people can go to the pub, they could literally have a knockdown, drag-out, verbal brawl, they might have a physical brawl, but when they leave that pub, they can walk out arm in arm. Now, maybe that's because they're too well-oiled. I don't know. But they can separate the fact that they have a disagreement with the person and the issue from the person. And too many times we're not good at that. It's like a Siamese twin, the issue and the person, they're one. And we need to be really careful with that. So if we find ourselves not doing this, not separating ourselves from our position or the other person's position, they're doing it, we need to ask ourselves, since we can only control us, ask ourselves, is what I'm doing to them, the way I'm interfacing with them, is it kind? Am I being kind? A believer is to be kind.

Is what I'm doing necessary? Sometimes it simply isn't. If I get onto a negative stream of thinking or acting, well, you know, this degenerative approach that I might be using, does that really solve the issue? Or do we still have maybe even a greater disagreement?

Let's turn to a couple of proverbs here that are very instructive. Proverbs chapter 1.

Proverbs chapter 1.

And we want, as we go through the scriptures, we find that one principle is being built upon another.

We talked a lot under the first tip about listening, about hearing. Notice what it says here in Proverbs chapter 1 verse 5. Proverbs 1.5. A wise man will hear and increase learning. That's why it's always good to get the other person's perspective, their point of view. A wise man will hear and increase learning. He's exposed to other thoughts than his own. You know, there used to be a time in my life when I was much younger that, you know, I had my thoughts and, boy, that's the way it was. You know? But especially being as a church pastor, I came to realize, well, when I had a certain thought, it's good to get a variety of other people. What do you think? How would you handle this situation? Again, we're not talking doctrine. What do you think? And, you know, the more... what does the Proverbs say? A multitude of counsel, there's wisdom. So we ask for various counsel, and we increase learning by doing so. End of verse 5. A man of understanding will attain wise counsel. A man of understanding will attain wise counsel. So that means we've got to separate ourself from our position and look for the truth, wherever the truth happens to be.

Chapter 15 of Proverbs. Proverbs chapter 15 verse 32.

He who disdains instruction despises his own soul.

Well, where's that instruction going to come from? Obviously from God's word, but also from listening to the other guy, other woman. He who disdains instruction despises his own soul, but he who heeds rebuke gets understanding. Now, rebuke would indicate that there's somebody giving you information that is not what you think. It's different than what you think. But he who heeds rebuke gets understanding.

So the Word of God gives us ample information here, guidance, that we need to have an open mind and to separate ourselves from our own position, realize other people have valid positions, and maybe their position is stronger than our position. Tip number three. Tip number three. Express disagreement respectfully.

Express disagreement respectfully. There are different ways. When somebody makes a comment or a statement, there are various ways that we can express ourselves in light of what they are saying. There is a productive way and an unproductive way to respond. Let's look at a couple of the unproductive ways we might respond to something somebody says.

Maybe you feel the comment that was made is really outlandish, and you kind of blurt out, Ugh! You are so wrong!

You are so wrong! Now, how does that lead to building bridges, getting in sync with other people?

You were saying something like that, you've got the emotion, you've got the inflection in your voice, the other person feels belittled, now they're getting defensive. Is a disagreement going to be solved by taking that unproductive approach?

Another unproductive way of handling a situation, something that makes what you consider to be an outlandish statement, is you say, oh, wait a minute, what you're saying, that's a no-brainer. That's simply a no-brainer. And again, that's basically a belittling statement. That is a bullying statement. You're basically bullying the person. You're trying to categorize them, you are not listening to them, and that's going to go nowhere. Now, more productive ways. More productive ways, people make comments you may not agree with on the face value. A couple of examples here, and I quote, oh, that's interesting. It's interesting. It seems that we have different points of view. Do you mind if I explain where I'm coming from? So no one's being belittled. You're being inclusive. You want to let the other person know that you have a different opinion, but that their opinion is valuable. Another more productive way of discussing things, you might say, well, really, I have made different observations, probably because I've had different experiences.

That's also an inclusive way of looking at things and dealing with a situation. You're not putting anybody down. You are basically asking for permission to say your say. Very non-threatening and all-inclusive. We were in Proverbs. Take a look at Proverbs 15 again, where we were. Verse 1.

Proverbs 15, verse 1. Now, here is one verse that has a lot of power to it. Proverbs 15, verse 1.

The soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. A harsh word stirs up anger. So what this proverb is saying to us, the very last part of the proverb, is saying that we have to watch what we say.

Let's be honest. All of us as people, we have got hot buttons. And we know where other people's hot buttons are. And if we're not careful, we can play people like an accordion. We can hit all their hot buttons and they take off like a rocket. We don't want to use harsh words. We don't want to use anger words. Because that stirs up anger. When anger is stirred up, people put up their defenses, conversation, understanding goes nowhere.

Chapter 15, verse 1. A soft answer turns away wrath.

So we don't want a harsh word that stirs up anger. We want to diffuse the situation. So it says, A soft answer turns away wrath. Now, I've got partial hearing loss. I can appreciate that verse. You know, poor Mary, there are times when she feels she's got a shout at me because, you know, I can't hear that well at times. But when you speak softly to people, you get their attention. People say, well, let me incline. The Bible says, I'm going to incline my ear. I'm going to listen. But if you were shouting at them, maybe I'm different than you. When people start shouting at me or doing other techniques to me, I kind of recoil. I kind of step back. I might be there physically, but I've walked away mentally. You know, you can talk all you want to. Randy's standing there, but Randy's thinking about something else because I've shut you out. You're yelling at me. And there are other ways we can do that if we're not careful. Maybe you've had conversations with people in the past. I call it the talk-over approach. You start discussing something that's on your mind. The other person talks louder than you. They interrupt you. They interrupt you. You can't finish a sentence. They talk louder than you, and they basically keep on. Then they don't let you get a word in edgewise. That's not speaking with a soft voice. That's talking with a harsh word. The soft voice reduces attention in a situation. The soft voice makes the person want to listen to you, and those are all good things. Calvin Son used an example I thought was interesting in terms of expressing disagreement respectfully. He says, why not use the Colombo approach? Remember Colombo? I'm dating myself here. Colombo. Colombo was played by Peter Falk. He was a detective. He always dressed with this overcoat. They had been packed away, swirled away in some box someplace, who was just totally wrinkled. A jillion wrinkles all over it. He was kind of a bumbler. He always wanted to have people explain things to him, but he was very wily. He would always ask questions, and the questions were designed to bring the other person out.

They weren't just questions for the sake of discussion. They were questions designed to get the other person thinking. And that's something that we can do as well. Maybe, if you and I, as we are trying to be respectful to the other person, if we ask the right questions respectfully, maybe we get them to thinking, well, you know, he's phrased a question I hadn't really thought of, but the answer to his or her question, maybe what I'm thinking is not so good. Because when I think about the answer to the question that is asked, maybe my stance is not what it should be. And so what we get, what we do there with the phlumbo approach, is to be respectful, thinking about their own thoughts in a more of a critical and productive way.

1st Corinthians chapter 14. Again, let's look at the Word of God. 1st Corinthians chapter 14.

1st Corinthians 14 and verse 40, where it says, Let all things be done decently and in order. Decently and in order. We are trying to express disagreement respectfully. So we want to be decent and in order. If we go back one chapter, 1st Corinthians chapter 13, the love chapter, 1st Corinthians 13. Here's a beautiful section that talks about how we as believers are to respond one to another in terms of respect. 1st Corinthians 13 verse 4. Love suffers long and is kind. So when we have a disagreement with somebody, we need to suffer along with them. We need to be kind to them. Not off-putting. Love is not envy. Love does not parade itself. It's not puffed up. In our relationship with other people, as we interface with other people, we don't want to come across as haughty, as a know-it-all. Notice verse 5. Love does not behave rudely. Love does not behave rudely. It will express disagreement respectfully. Does not behave rudely. Does not seek its own. Is not provoked and thinks no evil. So we see the Word of God just over and over. It tells us as Christians how to deal with disagreements in a healthy way. Tip number 4, and I've only got five of these here for you today. Tip number 4 is try to see the other person's point of view. Walk a mile in their moccasins. Focus on, as we've said over and over today, focus on the issue. Focus on the problem or the challenge. Don't focus on the person. The more you and I understand someone's position, the more you and I are able to understand their concerns. Their concerns are driving them. Why are those concerns driving them? What are their concerns? So we want to build on agreement areas. Where we agree. Let's start as a foundation. Isn't that what Paul did? Isn't that what Paul did? That Paul said he became all things to all people? This is what we need to be doing. Build on agreement areas. And then, embrace the differences. Why are we different? What makes us different? Is there something I can learn from those people I feel are different than me? What do their life experiences teach them? Allow those life experiences to broaden our horizons.

I hate to think of what I would be like as your pastor if I hadn't taken that advice over the years. I was ordained as a minister in 1979. If Randy De La Sandra was the same person today as he was in 1979, Heaven help you. Heaven help you is as my congregants. If I had not grown, if I had not listened to other people, if I had not taken rebuke, if I had not taken correction, if I had not learned from so many other people, the same thing goes for all of us.

We learn from one another. We interplay off of one another. We need to understand the other person's point of view, and when we do, as the Scriptures have said, that we've looked at the Proverbs and so on, then we come to see things so much more clearly. Ego is out the door.

You know, I've said so many times to you as congregants that humility is one of the greatest building blocks for us as Christians. If we're not humble, how can we be taught? If we're not humble, how can we learn? Jesus Christ and God the Father aren't the epitome of humility. Human beings, given the power that God and Christ have, they would hurt people, they would do all... We've seen history. What people who have a power that they don't know how to control, and yet God the Father and Jesus Christ, are humble enough where they want to share eternal life with us.

They want to share everything. They want to share the universe. They want to share eternal life. They want to share everything. Everything that's good, they want to share. They don't hold back. They want to give us everything that is good. And so they very much want to give to us, and that's where we need to be. Proverbs 18 We're talking about trying to see the other person's point of view. Notice what it says here in chapter 18, verse 13. He who answers a matter before he hears it, it's a folly and a shame to him.

This is one of the reasons why I've come to enjoy getting other points of view. I can be so entrenched in my own point of view, the ego coming out thinking, well, this is obviously right, but then, oh, you come and you say something else. He says, oh, you know what? I hadn't considered that. I hadn't thought about that. And, you know, the way you're putting it, what's wrong with me that I hadn't thought about that? I hadn't considered it.

So he who answers a matter before he hears it, not getting all the facts, not understanding all the ramifications, it's a folly and a shame to him. We go back to chapter 15. We've been in chapter 15 quite a bit today.

Proverbs 15. Proverbs 15. The heart of him who has understanding seeks knowledge, but the mouth of fools feeds on foolishness. The heart who has understanding seeks knowledge. We are to seek the other person's point of view. And again, for the most part, we're talking now about Christians. How can we as Christians, how can we as believers, have a healthy disagreement with one another? Well, maybe our other brother or our other sister has something really very beneficial to give to us if we'll listen. Okay, last point.

We'll finish up early here today. Last point, tip number five, and we have to be honest with this whole discussion, tip number five, know when to agree to disagree. Know when to agree to disagree. Not every disagreement is going to be solved. We just have to be honest with that statement. We can be Pollyanna and think, well, everything is always going to be solved.

Well, no, it won't. No, it won't. But what do we do when we simply, we've tried everything we know to do, we've been the best believer, we've been the best Christian, we've tried to do all those other things we talked about today, and we still have a difference of opinion. We're still disagreeing. Well, there comes a time at a point where we have to realize, you've got your point of view, I've got my point of view, I respect you as a person, I respect you as a Christian, I respect that you feel that you have a Christian outlook on that point, and I've got a Christian outlook on my point.

We simply have to let God work with both of us. Let God open our mind to see what is what. Maybe we are still, both of us, getting in the way, from God showing us where we need to be on that particular point. There's our view, the other person's view, and then there's God's view. God's view is always the best view. God's view is always the right view. And maybe we're not looking at it from God's perspective. What we don't want to do, and for some of us in the room, this is hard, because some of us are more type A personalities, we're driven.

Mr. Cubic was staying overnight with, Mr. and Mrs. Cubic with Mary and I, and we were talking about getting speakers in to speak to the church, especially maybe to groups of ministers. And so many times, public speakers, motivational speakers, will say, what kind of group do you have? What's a group of ministers? They're the worst. They always think they're right. They wasn't anybody. And so, I know this is a professional issue I've got to deal with, but I don't think I'm alone in the room.

If you or I want to keep on pushing our agenda, because we're just sold on the fact we're right, if we want to keep on pushing that, then what we do is we drive the other person deeper and deeper away from us. They will find a hole, they will find some place to crawl into, and they just don't want to have an onslaught of us.

And so they will try to escape. And that is not bridge building. That doesn't work. So there comes a point where we say, let's cease and desist. You love me, I love you, we have a difference. Hey, so what? It's not a salvation issue, it's not a doctrinal issue. So you like vanilla and I like strawberry ice cream.

You know, the world's not coming to an end. And we move forward. We move forward. The other person is quite capable of working things out on their own. And again, we must always ask, well, what is God's thought? I've got mine, they've got theirs, but maybe both of us are missing God's perspective. And that's where more prayer and fasting comes in, to make sure that we're both looking to God first, not just to our own thinking. Romans 12.

Romans 12. And the Apostle Paul had to deal with a lot of people who many times simply didn't care much for him. There was a lot of conflict with him in terms of disagreements people had with him. So he's not the kind of person who realized that as he went through his ministry that everybody thought he was just this greatest guy. Remember something about the Apostle Paul, that he tortured people before he came into the church. He had people thrown in jail. And some of the people he then began to work with as Christians, their husbands were still in jail.

Their wives had been tortured, made to blaspheme. They were driven from place to place. They lost all their possessions, and Paul was the one who did all that. And so I'm sure there are plenty of people who had issues with the Apostle Paul. But note what Paul writes here in Romans 12. Verse 18, If it is possible... Notice how he phrases this. If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men. Now that's a heavily qualified statement.

If it is possible... So sometimes it's not possible. If it is possible, as much as depends on you. And notice the onus he puts on us. He doesn't put the onus on the other guy. We can't do anything about the other guy. They're going to think what they're going to think. They're going to say what they're going to say.

And even though they may say harmful, hurtful things to us, it is our responsibility how you and I respond to that. It is our responsibility how you and I respond. We can't control what the other people are going to do or say. But we can control what we are going to do or say. If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men. Chapter 14 of Romans.

Paul puts the ball squarely in our court. He says, if it depends upon you, you do your part. God expects you to do your part. Chapter 14 here of Romans, verse 19. Therefore, let us pursue the things which make for peace. So here's more of our marching orders. Let us pursue the things which make for peace. And the things by which one may edify another.

So we are pursuing peace. We are trying to build edifying means to build somebody up, like an edifice. We are trying to build people up. We are not trying to tear them down, make them feel bad about themselves. We are not flattering them either, but we want to edify people properly in a godly way. We are going to pursue peace, and we are going to make sure that we respond to things in a proper way.

When I was putting my thoughts together for this message last week, I was doing some research on the Internet. I came across something that was quite interesting. I don't normally quote a lot from Joel Osteen, but here we are. We are going to quote Joel Osteen. Joel Osteen, most of you have probably seen him on TV, a televangelist. He gave a suggestion here that I thought was spot on. I thought he was really right with what he said here.

We are going to be inclusive. We are going to listen to Joel here. Joel Osteen suggested five steps. You take the first letter from each of these steps, and it spells out the word peace. P-E-A-C-E. For those of you who like to take notes, you might want to just vertically on your paper, you put a P on top, and an E under that, and an A under that, and a C under that, and an E under that. These five phrases, he's got this really kind of interesting, what Joel Osteen said about peace.

P says, plan to find the right timing. You'll think of what you're going to say and how you're going to say it, so you don't hurt the other person. So, planning is a big part of things. And Joel, Mr. Osteen is absolutely correct. Timing is everything. Timing is everything. So, P stands for plan for the right timing. What we're going to say, how we're going to say it. E, embrace the other person's point of view.

Embrace it. Don't run from it. We're not necessarily saying we're agreeing with it, but we're going to explore it. When we embrace it, we're going to explore it. We're going to search it out. Like the Apostle Paul said, we're going to prove all things, and if things are good, we're going to hold on to it. So, E, embrace the other person's point of view. A stands for actively seek for a solution.

And isn't that what we should be doing as Christians, as believers, actively seeking solutions? We've got a problem that's before us. We want to seek a solution. We want to have something positive come from our interaction with one another. Letter C, confront the problem, not the person.

Confront the problem, not the person.

And letter E, emphasize reconciliation. Emphasize reconciliation. It's not about winning your point of view or the other guy winning his point of view. The whole thing about disagreements is we want reconciliation. We want to emphasize that. I thought those really were five good points that Joel's thing gets, and I think we should pay attention to that. So, brother, we're going to end up early here today. I've been preaching all day long. I think I'm going to take a bit of a break. But I asked the question early on. How do Christians have healthy disagreements with other Christians? Certainly, this would play for people in the community as well. I gave you five tips. Let me just rehearse those very quickly before you will be done. Tip number one, make sure there really is a disagreement. Tip number two, separate yourself from your position. Tip number three, express disagreement respectfully. Tip number four, try to see the other person's point of view. And tip number five, know when to agree to disagree.

And I'm hoping that you would agree that perhaps this has been helpful.