Unity at the Top

In my early years in the ministry, I spoke often on the subject of child rearing. Over the years, Evelyn and I have devoted a lot of study to parenting and to understanding the role of parents. Before we met, Evelyn had earned her master's degree in education, and she taught school for several years, including a year in Bricket Wood, where she taught at the Imperial Schools there. Our kids grew up with their own teacher, which was a real blessing. My first sermon on child rearing was given in Glasgow, Scotland, our first assignment, before we had children. So you can be sure it was long on theory and short on practical. And as parents know, all parents know this, that you learn an awful lot about child rearing after you have children. In fact, I don't know you ever stop. I don't know any parent who doesn't look back and wish that they had more understanding of child rearing when their kids were growing up. And they look back and they see, well, I could have done this. And sometimes parents get a little discouraged because it's on-the-job training, is what it amounts to, and you're having to learn how to do it, and we learn as we go. At that time, we had a booklet on child rearing that we all thought was pretty good. But looking at it from hindsight, while the booklet was certainly helpful, today, if we were doing it again, we'd probably approach it a little differently. The booklet was written during the time when Dr. Benjamin Spock, a popular book, was recommending against spanking. And I went to Wikipedia and got a few quotes on Dr. Spock that I think you might find interesting. They're not all together. I just picked them out of different parts of the article. Benjamin McClain-Spock, May 2, 1903, March 15, 1998, was an American pediatrician whose book, Baby and Child Care, published in 1946, is one of the biggest bestsellers of all time. Its revolutionary message to mothers was that you know more than you think you do. That was the revolutionary message to mothers. Now, I've never read the book, but from that line, I suspect it would mean that you use your heart more than your head. Maybe that's where that one was. I don't know for sure. They quote Norman Vincent Peale, another quote from Wikipedia. Norman Vincent Peale was a preacher who supported the Vietnam War. During the late 1960s, Peale referred to the anti-Vietnam War demonstrations and the perceived laxity of the era blamed on those events on Dr. Spock books, claiming that the U.S. was paying the price for two generations that followed the Dr. Spock baby plan of instant gratification of needs.

And the paragraph concluded, the allegations stuck. Many people think that was true.

Another quote from the Wikipedia. In 1968, Spock was sentenced to two years in jail for encouraging young men to violate draft laws.

Another quote. This one I think you'll find interesting. Spock was the People's Party candidate in 1972, United States presidential election. So the People's Party. In China, they call it the People's Republic. Only the people don't get a lot of say.

So it was the People's Party candidate in 1972, United States presidential election, with a platform that called for free medical care.

The repeal of victimless crimes, including legalization of abortion, homosexuality, and marijuana.

A guaranteed minimum income for families. How about that? Guaranteed minimum income. If you've got a family, you've got a guaranteed income.

And the immediate withdrawal of all American troops from foreign countries.

In the 1970s and 80s, Spock demonstrated and gave lectures against nuclear weapons and cuts in social welfare programs. Wikipedia, by the way, is...presents this as something that was basically good. It's the way I read it anyway. But anyway, Spock's teaching...oh, sorry to read this one. In the 70s and 80s, Spock demonstrated and gave lectures against nuclear weapons and cuts in social welfare programs. Spock's teaching on discipline were quite different than those of the Bible. They were quite different. But America was turning away from the Bible at that time, so his thoughts and his ideas gained acceptance. So our book was written in the climate where Dr. Spock's influence was very strong. So we tended to go on the other side. Therefore, our book would put an emphasis on spanking, that in retrospect, from my perspective, needed more balance. You needed to have a better...but in that climate, that's where you addressed the thing. It went that way. That's one bit of background. Another one was I was in the feast in South Africa in 1998. Evelyn and I and the family went down there in 98. And at the end of the feast, a local board member who was on the South African Board of the United Church of God, came to me, and he had three adult children. All of them were married, and all of them in the church. And he said, but they need help with child rearing. The kids are unruly, he said. And the parents fight with each other about the subject, and they need help. Well, at the end of the feast, there's not a lot you can do to help somebody in that situation, but I did send him an article I had written on child rearing some years before, and I hope that was helpful. But that experience, when we got back to Chicago, led to starting a small group Bible study on the subject of child rearing. And we got together in our regular small group format, so we could discuss important keys to child rearing, and some of the problems the parents were facing. And we were able to discuss strategies to dealing with some of the situations they were working with.

Now, that study took place 12 years ago, and since that time, I have spoken very little on child rearing, so I thought I would get back to that once again, and I had some encouragement to do so, by the way, and cover some of these principles that we thought would be helpful. But before that, let's go to Hosea 9. Hosea 9. I'm sorry, Hosea 4, verses 1-9. Hosea 4, verses 1-9. Daniel, Hosea, Joel.

Now, here's a picture of how God described the children of Israel when the nation was in very serious trouble, and how they would be at the end of the age. The children of Israel would go back down the same paths. But let me read it to you from the NIV. There are a few things in there that I think you'll find helpful. Hosea 4, verse 1. Hear the word of the Lord, you Israelites, because the Lord has a charge to bring against you who live in the land. There is no faithfulness, no love, no acknowledgment of God in the land, no acknowledgment of God. And isn't that where we are today? Faithfulness is becoming difficult, and love is waxing cold, and acknowledging of God is almost complete now. It's not quite complete, but it's there. The San Sino commentary, by the way, suggests these three negatives, no faithlessness, no love, no acknowledging of God, can be used to describe the ideal Israelite. He's faithful. He's loving. And he acknowledges God in all his ways. I thought that was an interesting observation on the airport. There is no faithfulness, no love, no acknowledgment of God in the land. Verse 2, there is only cursing, the third commandment, lying, the ninth commandment, and murder, the sixth commandment, stealing, the eighth commandment, adultery, the seventh commandment. So that's what's happening in the land. And he describes it. Cursing, lying, murder, stealing, and adultery. They break all bounds, and bloodshed follows bloodshed. The expositor says the phrase bloodshed follows bloodshed is literally, blood deed touches bloody deed. In Hebrew, apparently the violent crimes were so common that it seemed immediately following one another as if touching it. That it was getting more and more violent. And that certainly is describing our land, although we still enjoy a lot of peace. We're going that direction. Verse 3, because of this, because of cursing, lying, murder, stealing, adultery, touching bloodshed, because of this, the land mourns, and all who live in it waste away. The beasts of the field, and the birds of the air, and the fish of the sea are dying. Now, we may think bees had something to do with that, and maybe they certainly did, but we have a situation now where things are dying in a terrible situation down in the coast. How long that's going to be and how devastating that's going to be remains to be seen. It's a terrible thing. Verse 4 and 5, But let no man bring a charge, let no one accuse another, for your people are like those who bring charges against the priest. You stumble day and night, and the prophets stumble with you, so I will destroy your mother.

Tonsino says that Hebrew is difficult in his passage, but the meaning seems to be, Let none blame the common people, because they only follow the lead of the priests, who neglected to obstruct them in true religion, but gave them instead meaningless ritual. And that ties in with the following verses. Verse 6, My people are destroyed from lack of knowledge, because you have rejected knowledge. It wasn't that it wasn't available, they lacked knowledge because they rejected it. My people are destroyed from lack of knowledge, because you have rejected knowledge, I also will reject you as my priests. He's addressing primarily the priests here. Because you have ignored the law of your God. Now, it's pretty bad shape when priests and ministers ignore the law of their God. Because you have ignored the law of your God, I also will ignore your children. What a terrible thing to have God ignore your children. That's a terrible result. The more the priests increased, the more they sinned against me. They exchanged their glory for something disgraceful. They feed on the sins of my people and relish their wickedness. And it will be like people like priests. I will punish both of them for their ways and repay them for their deeds. And of course, this lack of knowledge includes a lack of knowledge about how to bring up children. It's a sad thing. Especially God's teaching on the subject. And if the teachers don't teach, as the San Sino mentions, people don't know what to do. Now, God is describing a time when neither the teachers nor the people want to hear what God says about anything. They've rejected the law of God. They've rejected his knowledge. And that's what's happening in the land just as it happened back in ancient Israel. And I think we should focus on the fact that He would reject the temple priest that reject his knowledge. And He did. It's an astonishing thing when you look back at it in that way. He completely shut down the temple and made it impossible to rebuild. If you try to build a temple today, you will start a war that's unbelievable and everybody knows it. He shut it down and He made it impossible to be rebuilt. Only God has that kind of power. So when He said He was going to do, we did what He said He was going to do. And we can be sure that if anyone who's in the New Testament ministry is rejecting His knowledge, the same teaching will apply to them. Because that's who He is. If you look at verses 11 and 12, harlotry, wine and new wine enslaves the heart. That suggests sexual immorality and prosperity. Lots of wine and new wine enslave the heart. My people ask counsels from their wooden idols and their staff informs them, for the spirit of harlotry has caused them to stray. There's a spirit of harlotry in the land. And they have played the heart against their God. They've turned away from the covenant they were in. That's a terrible thing. Of course, we see all that today. As I said, this pictures the children of Israel at their worst. And our nation may not be fully there yet, but as you know, I think you'll agree that we're all heading that way very quickly. We're going down that road about as fast as we can go. And in this increasingly wicked environment, God's people are trying to raise godly children.

That's the situation we're in. It won't be easy. I think we all acknowledge it won't be easy. But there are principles that work even in such an environment. Because God's principles work in every environment. And it's those principles I like to cover in this series on child-rearing. And the first key is so fundamental to successful child-rearing. It's so basic that it seems to me just about everybody overlooks it. I have a generic name for it. I call it Unity at the Top. And it's got two distinct aspects.

They're intertwined, but they're two distinct aspects. The first aspect, one of the greatest things a dad, we're coming up to Father's Day, one of the greatest things a dad can do to help his children is to love your wife. That is so simple and so basic, but that's one of the most important principles. And of course it's vice versa, too, the wife, the lover, husband.

When a child knows his parents love each other, respect each other, there is a special security and stability and even sacredness about the family relationship. And that's very important. That leads to many benefits. First of all, the child will have little difficulty to understand God's love. Over the years, I've met many people who grew up in a very unloving environment, and they have difficulty comprehending God is love.

They have difficulty comprehending that. But kids that grow up in a family where there's love in the family, well, they understand it. It comes natural to them. And this leads them to have positive feelings about marriage. See, it is a wonderful institution, and also sexual relationships. They have positive feelings about it and not wrong ideas about it. They see their parents interacting with love and respect. Unity at the top. They're polite to each other. They hold hands. They laugh together. He'll open the door. And they work together, and they solve problems together. Beautifully. They praise and appreciate each other. And they support each other. Unity at the top.

Remember, it's called holy matrimony. Increasingly, we have matrimony that's not holy. It's, unfortunately, going the wrong direction. As you know, I've given a sermon on this on Proverbs 31. I see a lot of instruction for guys or husbands in Proverbs 31. If you look at Proverbs 31, verses 26 to 31, Proverbs 31, Proverbs 31, the last chapter in the book of Proverbs, let me read it to you from the new, revised, standard version.

This is the summary of this acrostic, 22 verses, each beginning with the letter of the Hebrew alphabet. It says in verse 26, She opens her mouth with wisdom. All right? Here's how the moms are perceived. She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue. This is how she's perceived. She looks well in the ways of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness.

Her children rise up and call her happy. Moms happy. Moms blessed, as the translations say. It's a blessing, well, she's a blessing to them. So her children rise up. The term rise up refers to the respect, of standing up and even showing respect. And they call her happy. Her husband, too, he praises her. This is his part. He's saying, that's really great. I appreciate that.

And the kids hear it, and this filters on down to everyone. He praises her. Many women have done excellently, but you surpass them all. He feels blessed, and he expresses that to his wife. Verse 30, Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord, and notice this translation, is to be praised. You've got a wife who fears the Lord, she is to be praised.

You acknowledge it verbally. Give her a share in the fruit of her hands. A share in the fruit of her hands? That means she's got an interest in it, and she controls it, and she guides it. And let her works praise her in the city gates. Everybody will know this lady, this ideal lady, as mentioned here in Proverbs 31. So this attitude of praise and appreciation between the husband and the wife. And you grew up in that family, and you're going to benefit from it. Let's go to Ephesians chapter 5.

Ephesians chapter 5. This is a well-known passage. We've known it for many years, and quoted here for different reasons from time to time, because it covers many topics, but especially family. But it says in verse 21, it's going a section of general instruction, and then it will go into the family. Verse 21 says, well, verse 20, giving thanks always for all things to God the Father, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, and then submitting to one another in the fear of God. Paul understood how love and respect work. Not by arguing and fighting, not by the mom with her hands on her hips and her mouth running, or not by a husband who's angry and blowing up and losing control.

That's not how it works. Submitting to one another in the fear of the Lord. The basic attitude for success in any relationship is respect toward other people. Any relationship, but especially in the family. That's important. Do you think a person could be hostile and accusative toward their mate, and then turn around and be kind and loving and patient with their children? How does that work? That doesn't work out that way. If that's what happens, what message is it sending? Well, I think hypocrisy, duplicity. That kind of conduct of being hostile and unkind toward your mate usually produces hostile and accusative children.

They take on the environment in which they live. It's just how it works. And then the children will be carrying anger and bitterness and also depression, discouraged about their situation in life, discouraged about their view. It's a very troubling picture. Years ago, Joanna was talking to some friends of hers whose parents were divorcing.

They were breaking up. And she saw how it upset them and how it tore them up. It often can be devastating for children for their parents to divorce. And she told us, she says, Glad you and Mom are together. Never even thought about you breaking up. Never crossed their mind, for which we are thanking God. Yet how many children grow up wondering if their parents will separate or divorce? Probably tens of millions. Because of the divorce rate in our country.

It's a terrible thing. And it's going to be very upsetting if you're unsure whether your parents stay together. And you know, one of the odd things about it, I've read a lot about divorce because I, as I'll mention in a minute, my parents were divorced. So I've read a lot about it, is the tendency of the kids is to blame themselves for the problem. That if they act really good, then Mom and Dad will stay together. Then it'll all be okay.

They tend to blame themselves. It's not their problem. But they tend to take it on themselves as their problem. Maybe because they're in the middle of the fight. It's a very sad situation. Let's go on to verse 22. Ephesians 5, 22. Wives submit to your own husbands as to the Lord. For the husband's the head of the wife, as Christ is the head of the church. And he's the savior of the body. He's the one who's most concerned, Christ, who's concerned about the body and saving it.

And therefore, he said, just as the church is subject to Christ, so that the wives be their own husbands in everything. Husbands love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave himself for her. Now, here's how this works. Love is seeking the benefit of others. HWA called it outgoing concern for others. True love involves sacrifice to benefit others. That's not always recognized.

Remember the Scripture? God so loved the world that he gave or sacrificed his son, his only begotten son. Love has to do with sacrifice for the good of others. Today, people call lust love, as you know, you've heard that many times. But that's a totally wrong concept. They got it all mixed up. So it says, husbands love your wives. It's talking about the care and so on for them. And the example is how Christ loved the church and sacrificed and gave himself for her.

That he might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water, by the word. Now, he's talking about the church here, primarily. At the same time, it's a lesson for the family, because the principles are there. That he might present her to himself, a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing. But that she should be holy and without blemish. So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.

You benefit yourself because it's part of your own body. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes it and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church. For we are members of his body, and of his flesh, and of his bones. And he quotes Genesis, For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother, and shall be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.

And then Paul goes back and said, this is a great mystery, that the two shall become one flesh. But I speak concerning Christ and the church. This is one of the mysteries that Paul had figured out. How Christ and the church are going to be one. Flesh, not flesh, but how it's going to be one. So that's a mystery. But in verse 33, Nevertheless, regardless of that, that each of you in particular love his own wife as himself, with the same care and concern. Let the wife see that she respects her husband.

You want to build a strong and loving relationship with your children? You start by beginning a loving, kind, patient, and respectful one with your mate. That's where it starts. And then you make your children a part of a loving and respectful family relationship. It works. It works.

That's the first aspect of this part of unity at the top. Now let's look at the second aspect of it. Have you ever noticed that some children seem to be settled and content and feel confident with their parents' decisions? I can't come out today. Mom says I can't come out, and they're happy. They're accepting it. They aren't fighting it. But others seem to have little confidence in their parents' decisions, often unsettled and upset, and so they're kind of off balance, off pace a little bit.

Why is that? Well, let me share an important principle here. Every parent comes up with a situation where they have what to do about a particular situation and they have a difference of opinion. Shall we have a spanking or shall we have a timeout? Or should they be home by 10 p.m. or could they stay out till midnight? Now the kid is listening to this discussion. I go for the timeout. And the parent, who's for the timeout, I like that opinion. And when he hears about be home by midnight, well, whoever had that view, hey, I like the midnight one better than I do the 10 p.m.

one. And so in that time, he might side with a mom on one decision and with a dad on another. And the mom and dad go back and forth, oh, 10 p.m., shouldn't be late or not, and they go back and forth. Now if you're the kid watching this and you're standing there and you're saying, he says this, she says that, you choose which one you like the best.

I like the opinion of that person better than I do of this person. This one's being too strict. And so what's happening here? There's a dynamic where you yourself are forcing your kids to take a side in your argument. They don't have a choice. They can't say, well, whatever you decide is fine with me. Kids don't tend to do that. And as you know and as you've no doubt done, if you perceive a difference in your parents, you can work it.

You can work it. I'll ask mom about this, not dad. I'll ask dad about that when mom's not around. And you start working it. I mean, this isn't rocket science. All kids do this. Now, if the parents are unified, let's say they say, well, 10, and the other one says midnight, you say, well, how about we go for 11?

Okay. And they both say, 11's great. 11 works for me. I'll go that far. If they're in basic agreement, they respect each other, they work together smoothly. Their children tend to feel confident and relaxed in the decision. There's unity at the top. They both agree. There's no place to go. If you're going to live here, this is how you're going to live. But if they're in disagreement and they're arguing and criticizing each other, the child is forced, it has no choice, to pick one side or the other. And this is not unity at the top.

And when he or she decides to pick one side or the other, whose judgment are they relying on? Their own. 8 to 10, 12, 15, whatever age. If they say, I like this one, well, that means their opinion is the top opinion or the preferred opinion. And they don't have a choice in this.

It happens automatically. It happens instantly. When the parents disagree, the children start relying on their own judgment. And I want to point out it doesn't matter who's right or wrong. It doesn't matter where 10 o'clock's the right time or 12 o'clock's not that time. Or time-out's the right time or swats. It doesn't matter because the disagreement puts the onus on the kid to start relying on themselves.

But if there's agreement there, then they say, well, this is... here are the two most responsible people in my life, and they agree. Whether it's 10 or whether it's 12. Great bargaining chip to get to 12.

As I say, it doesn't matter who's right or wrong. They openly disagree, so both can't be right. So you decide which one you think is right. It's automatic. Now, my experience with children who grow up in that situation is that eventually the children drops the middle persons and decide they didn't agree with either of them.

He's been trained to rely on himself for right and wrong. To trust in their own opinion at 8 to 10 years old sometimes. Many eventually leave the church.

Later, some come back with their fingers burned badly. But wiser... scratch wiser, make that more humble.

They're humbled by their own mistakes.

Because they recognize them. People recognize mistakes as time goes on.

The Ten Commandments come in two sections. We've always said, respect for God of the first four and respect for other people are five to ten. Actually, the Fifth Commandment, honor your mother and father, is kind of a bridge between the two sections because our spiritual father and our spiritual mother deserve our respect too. And there's a bridge there between the two. So it's in two sections.

Those who honor their father and mother are actually learning to build relationships with everybody else. If you honor your father and mother, you're going to respect your teacher. You're going to respect the policeman. You're going to respect the courts. You're going to respect your boss more than you would than if you didn't honor your father and mother. Because if you don't honor them, you don't honor many other people. It just starts going down that road.

So those who honor their mother and father are actually learning to build right relationships with everybody else. It's much easier, I'm sure you'll agree, to respect parents who are happy and who work together harmoniously. That's just easier. It just goes that way. And it's hard to respect parents who argue and fight with each other. That's plain, I should think. I don't think anybody could disagree with that.

Kids who respect their parents usually have a head start on having good relationships with others. They understand, first of all, relationships are important. They want to show respect. Evelyn, when she went to college, it's the first time she'd been away for a length of time, cigarette companies were offering cigarettes free of charge. And she looked at it and thought about it and said, but my dad would be so disappointed.

So she never even tried them. Don't ask me my background on that. But they understand relationships are important, and they're willing to learn how to improve. Because their parents will learn that would be giving them guidance on how to improve or how to do things better or how to strengthen their situation. So they're usually willing to openly acknowledge mistakes easier.

And also, they're used to seeking advice. And they're used to trying to not solve everything on their own. So the first key in successful child-rearing is unity at the top. Now I know, some might say, I can't have unity with this adult. That's impossible.

Well, if you're correct, you can expect trouble in raising your children. That's just how it goes. It's just the way it is. Some folks find it easy to shift their responsibility for the problems onto their mate. When disagreements arise, they're convinced they're right and their mate is wrong. Think about it. That's true in just about every disagreement on the face of the earth. The Jews think they're right, the Arabs think they're right, and nobody's making any progress toward the middle. The Republicans think their view is right, the Democrats think their view is right, and nobody's making progress.

Nobody's winning anybody to their side. Management and labor, Mr. Obama and BP. By the way, I think there's instruction for us here. I think BP has shown more wisdom, at least in the public face, than Mr. Obama. Mr. Obama has been openly critical of BP, many think, for political purposes.

Boot on the neck and other unkind things that are coercive, forcing things. They say he's doing it at the police's base. I don't know if that's true or not, but he is saying things that are critical. The Brits, understandably, don't like that. I don't blame them. I wouldn't be the same like that. They also know that when the President was first elected, one of his first acts in the Oval Office was to take out the bust of Winston Churchill and send it back to London.

It had been put there. I forgot how it got there, but it's a gift. Winston Churchill has been respected by all Presidents up to this one. That's amazing to most Americans. The first thing he did is send it back. He then gave the Queen an iPod on an official visit. It's just all these things that the Brits have seen and experienced.

This is another one from their point of view. It's just amazing. Now, BP is the latest in the string of unbrotherly steps toward the British from their perspective. Even so, BP, whatever their problems, that made the problem in the first place, publicly have it consistently responded with words that are respectful. They have accepted responsibility publicly and on record. They have calmly addressed each difficulty as it arose. Now, the problems are very deep and it's a bad mess, but I'm just talking about how they've handled it in public and how they work with it.

Now, if you're in the habit, or your mate is, of shifting blame, every time a disagreement comes up, you'll have continual conflict. You'll have this constant war that, No, I am right, and you are wrong, and it goes on forever. And it's not wise at all. It's better to follow BP's example of cooperation than using threats like Mr.

Obama. It's even possible that BP's respectful responses will encourage Mr. Obama to respond more respectfully. You ever been to disagree with somebody and you say, when you respond disrespectful and you talk to them respectfully? Usually they come around to a more respectful position. There are people who don't. But if you speak respectfully, when other people are speaking disrespectfully, you'd be surprised how you can change the tone of the discussion by just being polite and respectful. The same principle works with husbands and wives. When we were first married, Evelyn would express concerns about something, and the words that she used did not reach this brain.

And I came up and I said, well, no, that's not true, because X, Y, and Z. Doop! Like that. I was done. However, as early years went on, I would run into a wall like a cartoon character, you know, you bang, and you slide down the wall. That's how I likened it. I'd run into a wall, slide down the wall, lying there on the floor, and Evelyn would come over and say, that's what I was trying to say.

Oh. So after several times of that, I realized that she was expressing concern about something, that I had better listen, and be sure I understood the point. So she worked on explaining her concerns in ways that could reach this skull, so that I could better understand it.

I worked on listening better and asking questions because I had learned that there was valuable information in there, but I had to get it out in a way that I could understand it. Now, after 45 years, we can quickly discuss a different perception, and we agree so quickly now. But it's taken some years to get there. But shouldn't that be so for all married couples that are converted? If you look at James, Chapter 3.

James, Chapter 3. Now, James is going to discuss two different kinds of wisdom. They're both types of wisdom, but they're two different types. James asked this question, Who is wise and understanding among you? He asked the question, and it's suggesting that the congregation or the readers stop and look around and say, Who is wise and understanding among us? And to ask that question, now he tells you how you can tell. Let him show by good conduct that his works are done in the meekness of wisdom. Meekness, willing to listen.

When I talk with people about the book of Proverbs, I say, if you had to sum up the Proverbs, all 31 chapters, in one word, what would that word be? For me, that one word is, listen. Listen. It says that over and over and over again, but of course there's other points in there, too. All right. Let him show by good conduct. You can see the conduct that his works are done in the meekness of wisdom. But if you have bitter envy, that means hot fighting, bitter fighting, and heat, and self-seeking, promoting oneself in your hearts, do not boast and lie against the truth. This wisdom does not descend from above. It doesn't come from God.

But it's earthly. That's how the whole earth operates with bitter envy, self-seeking, and in your hearts, it's there. That's what the Jews and the Arabs, BP, and the government, name any quarrel. It's envy and self-seeking. This wisdom does not descend from above, but is earthly, sensual, demonic. It's built on the senses. It comes from the earth. It's funneled by demonic forces. For where envy and self-seeking or self-promotion exist, confusion and every evil are there.

What's the situation in the Gulf? Confusion. What's the situation in Congress? Confusion. What's the situation in the Middle East? Confusion. So there's envy and self-seeking, and the results are confusion. Confusion and every evil thing are there. Every evil thing. Verse 17, But the wisdom that's from above, the wisdom that comes from God, is first pure. It's not for self, it's pure. It's for the benefit of everybody involved. And it's then peaceable. It's looking for a peaceful solution. Not looking to win.

It's looking for a peaceful solution. And then it's gentle. God's wisdom is gentle. And it's willing to yield. It's willing to see your point of view. Not stubbornly holding on to its own view. Willing to yield. Full of mercy. It's mercy toward other people. Not hostility or ridicule or put-downs. But full of mercy and good fruits.

Good fruits, not bad fruits. Without partiality it treats everybody with the same respectful approach. And without hypocrisy. Without the double dealing that's in so much of it. And where things are going wrong. But without hypocrisy. Without deceit. It's just wonderful. Now the fruit of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace. And this scripture has caused people concerned for years. It's kind of hard to figure.

You normally think you do righteousness and you reap peace. And certainly nobody would disagree with that. But this is saying you sow peace and you get righteousness. Notice that? Now the fruit, fruit's the result. Of righteousness is sown, it's the beginning of, in peace by those who make peace. Because, of course, dealing with things righteously is dealing with them in a peaceful way. There are situations in which it's hard to find agreement. We've had a few over the years. When that happens, the godly way involves doing the best you can under the circumstances.

Doing the best you can under the circumstances. And some do pretty well. I knew an Australian mom with an unconverted husband. She was in the church, her husband wasn't, and they had, I think, four sons. And she was trying to raise them in the fear and admonition of the Lord. She would always show respect for her husband to him and also to her sons. But when something came up, like doing something on a Friday night or Saturday, she would remind her sons, well, you know what God says about that.

You know what God says about that. And the sons would then, mostly, not always, but the sons themselves would decide to do what God said. And the husband wasn't upset because the sons themselves decided. So she didn't think that she was forced into an honor. They decided with what they were going to do. We have to look for the best way to deal with every situation.

I mentioned earlier that my parents were divorced when I was two. I grew up with my mother and her family. I didn't really know I had much contact with my father's family. And I usually found that a discouraging fact in life. Because at that time, I was the only one that was divorced.

I used to say to God, why me? And I didn't know anybody else. The kids with the parents were divorced. Later I met more and more and more. Of course, today it's very common. Kids get awards for bringing the most parents to a PTA meeting. But there was one time when I found that encouraging. And I was actually pleased that my parents divorced. That was when I was a pastor in New York City.

And I had a church full of single moms. And they were all encouraged that their pastor No, he's doing something here, taking care of the congregation. Was raised in a single parent. And that encouraged them in their situation. So at that time, I was actually glad. I was glad because it gave them such encouragement. Understanding unity at the top highlights the importance of picking the right mate. So many people pick a mate because they're someone good looking or a great dancer or fun to be with. And it's us against the world!

And we're going to go out and conquer everything. It's better to ask, does the person fear the Lord? That's a good thing to ask. That'll get you farther. It'll also get you a better mate in terms of raising kids. Do they have good character? Do they pay their bills on time? Are they clean? Are they compassionate and loving? How about toward their parents? Are they critical of their parents? Are they negative about their parents? Well, if so, it isn't going to be too long until they have the same attitude toward you that they have toward their parents.

That's how it goes. And so your children will have that same view. Are they able to resolve problems peacefully? Are they able to do it and resolve differences? How do they handle it when they don't get their own way? That's one of the most important questions to ask. When they don't get their own way, how do they handle it?

Are they wise? If not, expect foolishness. Are they respectful of your wishes? Or are they pressuring into doing something wrong? If you loved me, you would... And you know how that goes. Don't ever think you're going to change them. They may make changes, and you may suggest them, but you're not going to change them. It's more likely, if they have negative habits, they'll change you and start going their way, for the worse.

Choosing a mate is one of the most important steps in successful child-rearing. It involves maturity, emotional and spiritual, and sometimes that's not on people's minds. So the first principle in successful child-rearing is unity at the top. Now, when you think about it, isn't that how the kingdom of God works? Jesus said, I and my father are one. I mean, could you ever think you'd get Jesus to disagree with the Father about something? You're going to work that angle? You'll end up toast. Jesus and his apostles are one.

And he prayed that every believer who comes into the church, through their word, would be one as he and the Father are one. In other words, the kingdom of God is going to have unity at the top. In fact, it's the perfect example of unity at the top. It's the best example there is. So if parents are unified in basic agreement, they respect each other, they work together smoothly, their children tend to feel confident and relaxed.

And when problems arise, and you know they always do, the parents can quickly resolve the disagreements and then get back to unity. First key, unity at the top.