Vital Keys to a Vitalized Marriage, Part 1

Well, brethren, I have personally been happily married to the same wife for the past 33 and a half years. As I said, I'm missing her. She's been in Alaska now for about 10 days. Now, I've been involved as a marriage counselor and a facilitator for the past 23 years. I've counseled quite a few people for marriage. I've counseled some people after marriage when they were having some difficulties. I've performed quite a few marriages. And I may have an opportunity to perform a marriage here someday in this little congregation. You never know. That would be nice. It has been a real joy to me to be a part of something so very important over the years. But it certainly isn't about me. It's frankly all about you. It's about your mate. It's about God's guidance and His direction in your life when it comes to your marriage. And it is about your submission to God and Godly principles. So if you're successful in your marriage, it won't be because of me. But it will be because you and your mate are applying vital biblical principles, spiritual keys, that will help you in your marital relationship. Now, those of you who aren't married don't get to tune out. Because, frankly, this is a sermon for everyone. These are principles that will apply for all of us and do apply for all of us. I've entitled this sermon, Vital Keys to a Vitalized Marriage. Vital keys to a vitalized marriage. However, we'll see that these principles will apply in all relationships. And that we need to be living by the principles that we're going to be talking about, those vital keys to a vitalized marriage. We should always remember that marriage is a type of a much greater relationship. And, again, that's why this applies to all of us. It is a type of a much greater relationship, a godly relationship. Actually, in a very real sense, marriage is a type of two godly relationships. I don't know if you've thought about this before. I'm sure we've all thought about Christ and the Church and the fact that the firstfruits will marry the Church. So we clearly see that that is a type. But have you ever thought about the type in regard to God the Father and Jesus Christ? Have you ever thought about the relationship that they have with each other and how, in a sense, marriage is to be a type of that.

And they are to be a type of what a marriage is supposed to be about. Not that the Father is married to the Son, because that's obviously not the point at all, but the kind of relationship that they have. In fact, let's go to John 17, and we'll see this very clearly. They have a very unique relationship, God the Father and Jesus Christ.

Again, it's not a marable relationship, but it's a very close, loving relationship.

Notice in John 17, verse 21. John 17, well, let's read verse 20 as well. Christ says, I do not pray for these alone, speaking about His disciples that were living there and were present at the time. I do not pray for these alone, but also for those who will believe in Me through their Word.

That they all may be one as you, Father, are in Me, and I in you, that they also may be one in us.

Obviously, he's talking about the kind of unity that we should have as God's people, and the kind of unity that Jesus Christ and the Father have.

That the world may believe that you sent Me, and the glory which you gave Me I have given them, that they may be one just as we are one.

Speaking of the Holy Spirit that binds us together, verse 23.

I in them and you in Me, that they may be made perfect in one, and that the world may know that you have sent Me, and have loved them as you have loved Me.

Father, I desire that they also whom you gave Me may be with Me where I am, that they may behold My glory, which you have given Me, for you loved Me before the foundation of the world.

Think about that for a minute. How long has the Father loved the Son, or the One who became the Son, since before the foundations of this material world?

For eternity is what we're talking about, because in the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God, and they've had a perfectly loving relationship all this time for eternity.

So that's rather mind-boggling to consider that they've loved each other before the beginning of time, for eternity.

So they have a very, very close relationship. God is love, so that's not surprising, is it?

God is love, Christ is love. They love each other, they've loved each other for eternity.

He says in verse 25, O righteous Father, the world has not known You, but I have known You, and these have known that You sent Me.

And I have declared to them Your name, and will declare it, that the love with which You loved Me may be in them.

So we are to have the love of God, the love of Christ living in us.

And our marriages are a type of that. We don't have any relationship that's nearly as close as a marital relationship.

This is a very unique relationship. Two people sleeping together.

And I mean, just being together all night long, sleeping in the same bed together.

I mean, there's no other kind of relationship quite like that. This is unique, it's different.

So it is important that we realize that.

In John 17, or I'm sorry, let's go to Matthew 19 now. Matthew chapter 19. Matthew chapter 19.

Let's read in verse 3.

The Pharisees also came to Christ testing Him and saying to Him, Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for just any reason? Because that's what was beginning to happen.

Men were starting to divorce their wives for almost anything.

Some minor sayings, they would begin to divorce their wife over. She burnt the toast.

Maybe not quite that minor, but a lot of minor things. They were beginning to divorce over.

She was getting older. Time to divorce her. Get a new wife. Find a younger one.

Verse 4. And He answered and said to them, Have you not read that he who made them at the beginning made them male and female?

And said, For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.

So then they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate.

They said to him, Why then did Moses command to give a certificate of divorce and to put her away?

He said to them, Moses, because of the hardness of your hearts, permitted you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so.

It was never God's intent that husband and wife would divorce each other.

And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, if one of the mates is unfaithful and marries another, I'm sorry, and I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality and marries another, commits adultery, and whoever marries her who is divorced, commits adultery.

His disciples said to him, If such is the case of the man with his wife, it is better not to marry.

Now that was their conclusion, but that's not really the conclusion that God wants us to have.

God wants us to learn to love each other in our marital relationship.

He wants us to follow the example that the father and the son have for each other. They've loved each other forever. And when we make a commitment and we make vows to one another, we're to keep those vows, and we're to live by them.

So I find it quite interesting when we consider these two relationships and the fact that our marriages should reflect the kind of love that the father and the son have for each other, and also the kind of love that we find in Ephesians 5, where it talks about a marital relationship between Christ and the church.

Ephesians 5. Let's go there.

Ephesians 5. Let's begin reading in verse 17. Ephesians 5.17.

Now also in context, Paul is telling them to be careful how they use their time. They should be wise in how they allow their time to be utilized.

We should understand what God's will is.

Do not be unwise, but understand what the will of the Lord is, and do not be drunk with wine, in which is dissipation, but be filled with the Spirit.

We are to be filled with the Spirit of God, speaking to one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, giving thanks always for all things to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ and submitting to one another in the fear of God.

So in the context of speaking about marriage and also Christ in the Church, he says that we are to learn to submit to one another in the fear of God. So there is a time when a husband would actually submit to his wife, and that's when his wife is correct. When his wife is right, that's when a husband should submit to his wife when she's right. If she has God's mind on the subject and she's right, especially if it's over a spiritual issue, then her husband should be willing to submit and say, You're right, honey. I guess that's the way we should do this. Or maybe we shouldn't do that. So there is a time when a husband would submit to his wife, and that's simply when she's right. Now, when she isn't right, obviously that's a matter of opinion at times. So you're going to have to prove your point. But especially in spiritual matters, it can be easily proven. If the wife is correct, then the husband should be willing to go along with the wife and do the right thing. Now, back to verse 22. Wives submit to your own husbands as to the Lord. And clearly, it does say the husband is the head of the wife. So sometimes, even when the husband is wrong, the wife has to submit to him. You know, if he's wrong... Now, I'm not talking about in a godly way, because we're to obey God rather than man. So even if our husband is wrong, in a spiritual area, then the wife should refuse to follow him in sin. But when it's not about sin, it might be whether or not to buy a certain car. And you can't really afford it, but he wants to do it anyway. I mean, the wife pretty much has to go along, unless she can convince him otherwise. But she is right, you know, that they shouldn't buy it. You know, but otherwise, she needs to go ahead and be submissive to her husband. The husband as head of the wife is also Christ as the head of the church. He is the Savior of the body. Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything. That doesn't give you a lot of wiggle room there, does it? You know, wives are supposed to submit to their husbands in everything, again, accepting when the man is asking her to sin, to go against God. Verse 25, husbands love your wives. Now, it will make it a lot easier for the wives to submit to their husbands, if indeed the husbands truly love their wives, and especially just as Christ also loved the church and gave himself for her. So, there aren't many women who have a problem submitting to their husbands if they love them the way Christ loved the church. You know, if they're willing to sacrifice themselves and lay their lives down for their wives, most wives will be willing to submit. You know, women are pretty much made that way, for the most part. Although, they've tried to change that nature over the years with certain movements and so forth. They're working against being that way. But they will certainly be a lot more submissive if the husband truly loves his wife.

Verse 26, that he might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the Word, that he might present her to himself a glorious church. Now, he's obviously talking about the church and the relationship that Christ has with the church. Christ is the head of the church, and the church should be submissive to the principles of the Bible that Christ espouses.

So that he might present her to himself a glorious church, not having a spot or wrinkle or any such thing. So, becoming without sin, but that they should be holy and without blemish. So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church.

For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones. For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother, and the two shall be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church. So again, this is a type of Christ and the church, this relationship that a man has with a woman, a husband and a wife have together. They come together, they become one flesh. Nevertheless, let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

So we should love and respect one another, and that's the kind of relationship that we should have as husband and wife, based on love and respect for each other. Now let's go to Revelation 19 and consider the marriage supper of the Lamb. It does clearly say that Christ will be marrying the church at his return, the firstfruits, those that are called now, and chosen by God, sanctified and set apart and made holy by God. Revelation 19, verse 7, Let us be glad and rejoiced and give him glory, for the marriage of the Lamb has come, and his wife has made herself ready.

So this church has become without spot or wrinkle or any such thing. She has gone through the great tribulation, being cleansed and purified. In one sense, others have been protected in a place of safety for that three and a half years, where they've had training and they've grown and developed Godly character in greater ways than ever before. So this is a church that has been purified and has become without spot or wrinkle. And to her it was granted to be a raid. And you can imagine how we will really pull together in a place of safety.

If we know that the world is falling down around us, and yet God is protecting us, you would think that God's Spirit dwelling in us, there will be great motivation at that time. We will be closer than ever before. It will be a wonderful opportunity to be together at that time. Hopefully we'll all be together together if indeed Christ is going to come back in our lifetime.

We don't know exactly when Christ is coming back. We know we draw ever closer to Christ's return. Verse 8, And to her it was granted to be a raid in fine linen, clean and bright, for the fine linen is the righteous acts of the saints. And we are to become righteous in our conduct, without spot or wrinkle, putting sin out of our lives.

Then he said to me, Right, blessed are those who are called to the marriage supper of the Lamb. And he said to me, These are the true sayings of God. So God is calling some now to be a part of that wedding supper. So let's ask ourselves, How well is your marriage going? If you're married, how well is your marriage going? If you're not married, how well are your relationships going with others? Just friends, because these are vital keys that will help any relationship.

But if you're married, then obviously ask yourself, How well is my marriage going? Could it be going better? And if you aren't married, perhaps you should be preparing to be married someday. We have a few young ladies in here. I'll pick on them for a moment. A couple of young men. And someday they may want to get married.

So now is a good time to pay attention and consider what may be happening sometime in the not-too-distant future. For some of the young guys and girls here. On the other hand, if you aren't married and you don't ever intend to be married, can you still benefit from considering these vital keys and Biblical principles? Well, of course you can. I've already mentioned that. These principles will apply across the board in your own life and in your relationship with God and with each other. So in this sermon, again, I would like to share with you nine vital keys to having a vitalized, vibrant marriage.

This is a two-part sermon, by the way. I can't cover all nine of these in one sermon. So we'll cover four of them today and five next time. Also, some of you may be familiar with the Prepare and Enrich program that's designed to build strong marriages. I've used this in premarital counseling for about 20 years now. This is an actual facilitator's report of a certain couple, who will name name-less, of course.

But there's like 160 questions that they answer, and then it's all computerized and broken down into a number of categories, like spiritual beliefs, role transitions, or... Oh, see, they called it something else not long ago.

I forget exactly what it was. Family and friends, sexual expectations, leisure activities, financial management, partner styles and habits, conflict resolution and communication. And it breaks these questions down into all these different categories and shows whether or not you have a strength in that area, or you have a weakness and have an area in which you need to grow. So it's really quite helpful. It is designed to point out strengths and weaknesses in a relationship. And in this premarital and marital counseling program, they break couples down into four different kinds of couples.

One is the vitalized couple. That's why I'm calling this nine vital keys to a vitalized marriage. The vitalized couples are the most satisfied with their relationship. They are skilled in communicating and also in resolving conflicts. So they're very good in resolving conflicts that will come up in a marriage. They're also good at communicating with each other, and that strengthens their marriage. So they are a vitalized couple, and it has a certain scale or grid that it will show whether people are vitalized or perhaps they're harmonious, which is the next level.

This is a couple that enjoys high levels of satisfaction across most areas of the relationship. Not as much satisfaction as a vitalized couple, but still fairly high. Then there's the conventional couple that is often highly committed to one another, but not as skilled in communication or conflict resolution. So there will be more strife in a marriage like this, but they are very highly committed. So they may have stayed together for 40 years, and they may love each other, but there may still be a fairly high level of strife, not as happy as it could be.

And then the last couple is called the conflicted couple. This is a couple that has a very low level of satisfaction and often struggles with many areas of their relationship. Now, these are actually couples that are identified even before they're married. So there are some couples that are conflicted before they're even married, and this is a recipe for disaster. I've had maybe a couple conflicted couples.

One I can just very vividly remember. This goes back to my days in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, so this is nearly 20 years ago. And I was counseling this young couple. She was not a member of the church and had an attended church, but he had been a member for a few years. And right away I could tell that there was not a lot of compatibility here. There were a lot of issues from the very beginning. When they took this particular inventory, they scored very low on the scale.

It identified them as a conflicted couple. Actually, they could hardly stand each other, which was pretty amazing to me. And it became more and more evident as we counseled. As things came up and I would ask them questions, you would just see that they really weren't in love with each other.

They liked the idea of getting married, I think, and they kind of liked each other in some ways. But they were a very conflicted couple. It would have been disastrous had they decided to marry. So this was one counseling session that ended up in a couple deciding not to get married. Usually when people come to me, they've already decided that they're going to get married. It doesn't matter what I say. They're going to get married anyway. But thankfully, this was a couple that was so conflicted, even they began to see that this wasn't going to work. So that was a rare situation. I haven't stayed in contact with the people. I don't know that I'm sure the one's not going to church. She didn't seem to have any interest back then. Unless God performed a miracle in her mind, she's not likely to be attending. The man, I think, stayed in worldwide. Who knows what happened to him since the splits and all that have occurred since then. This was back before 1995. This was back in the early 90s. So anyway, these are the four couples that are mentioned in this particular inventory.

What I'd like to do is share nine vital keys. Now, these nine vital keys do not come, per se, from this particular program. These are nine vital keys over many years of experience. I have extrapolated and bring this to you in a sermon. Big word, huh? All right, let's go ahead and start with vital key number one.

Vital key number one, love your mate with all of your soul, mind, and heart. With all that is in you. That's the first point. Love your mate with all of your soul, mind, and heart. Love her or him with all that is in you. Now, this should obviously be a goal because we're not perfect in love. God is perfect. Christ is perfect. We've had perfect love for each other since before time began. We are told in Mark 12 to love God in that way. Let's go there for a moment. Mark 12. Mark 12.

I want you to be thinking about love. The first point is about loving each other, but not just loving each other. Learning to love each other with all your soul, with all your mind, with all your heart, with all your strength. Mark 12.30.

The scribes came to Christ. They were trying to trip him up. They were reasoning with him.

They asked him, which is the first commandment of all in verse 28? And Christ said, of all the commandments is, hear, O Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is one, and you shall love the Lord your God with all of your heart, with all of your soul, and with all of your mind, and with all of your strength. This is the first commandment. In other words, this is the most important commandment, that you love God with all of your heart, with all of your soul, mind, and strength. And the second is like it, you shall love your neighbor as yourself. So both of these commandments are about love. Love toward God and love toward your neighbor. And we know that the Ten Commandments are basically about these two commandments. How to love God? How to love your neighbor? So they're based on these two great commandments.

So when we look at these two great commandments, and we think about God should always be number one in our lives, correct? Love God with all of your soul, mind, strength, heart.

You know, love God first above all things else. But how about your mate? Where should your mate come in?

It seems to me like the mate should be number two.

But behind God the Father and Jesus Christ the Son, our mate should be number two. Now there may be a distant number two in some ways, if we truly love God first and foremost.

But our mate should be up there.

Remember the second commandment was to love your neighbor as yourself. So what greater neighbor do you have than the man or woman you sleep with at night?

You know, that's a relationship, a closeness that you don't have with anyone else. It's unique, it's different. So your mate should be number two in that sense.

And you should learn to love your mate with all of your heart, soul, and strength. With all of your might. That should be a goal that you should... God should be number one. But take your mate along also and try to learn to love her or him the way you're supposed to love God.

Now in John 13, we know very clearly what it says about Christ's disciples and how they're supposed to be known.

John 13.

Mr. Irwin talked about how love will make you fewer, the truth will make you free. God's truth. In John 13, verse 34, a new commandment I give to you, Christ says, that you love one another as I have loved you, that you also love one another.

By this, all will know that you are my disciples if you have love for one another. So the new part of this commandment was to love in the way that Christ loved.

Christ loved enough to give his life, to lay his life down for us. So that's the kind of love that we should have toward God and toward Jesus Christ, and the kind of love that we should have toward our wives or our husbands, and frankly, toward each other. That's the kind of love we should learn to have toward all people.

So again, we are known by the love that we have one for another. So you're known by the kind of love that you have for your mate. What kind of person are you?

In 1 Corinthians 13, it talks about love. Let's go there briefly. This is the love chapter.

It speaks about the power of love and just how powerful love is.

Paul says, "...though I speak with a tongue of men and angels, but have not love, I have become sounding brass, or a clanging cymbal. And though I have the gift of prophecy and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing." So love is the most important attribute.

It's no wonder that we would start with this principle. Love your mate with all of your soul, mind, and heart, with all that is in you. Verse 3, "...and though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, though I give my body to be burned, but have not love, it profits me nothing. Love suffers long and is kind. Love does not envy. Love does not parade itself. Love is not puffed up. It's not proud or vain. It does not behave rudely. It does not seek its own. It is not provoked. It thinks no evil." Now, you can just stop for a moment and consider if everyone treated everyone with love, what a wonderful world we would have. What a wonderful world this would be. If everyone loved each other, because love is kind, it's not envious, it isn't proud, it's not puffed up, it doesn't behave rudely, but it behaves with compassion. It doesn't seek its own. It's unselfish. It's not provoked. In other words, it doesn't get easily offended. It thinks no evil. It doesn't rejoice in iniquity, but it rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things, and love never fails.

So when we have true love for each other, then we have all that we need. It will never fail. So that's the first point. Love your mate with all of your soul, mind, and heart. Really pray about it. If you have a hard time loving your mate, sometimes pray that God will give you the kind of love that you need to have for your mate.

Sometimes our mates do things that test our love. They challenge us. So we need to learn again to love in the way Christ loved. Christ loved us while we were yet sinners.

So we need to love each other in the hard times as well. We'll talk more about that as we go on.

So that's the first point. Love your mate with all of your soul, mind, and heart, with all of your strength. Secondly, always seek joy and joyfulness in your relationship with your mate.

So if you want to have a vitalized marriage, you should seek joy and joyfulness in your relationship with your mate.

Don't allow anything to steal the joy that you ought to have with one another.

Don't allow anything to steal the joy that you have. So if there's a trial in your marriage, it will try to steal your joy. Satan will certainly try to steal your joy, but you must not allow anything to steal the joy.

When you have trials, that's the time to pull together, not apart. That's when you should draw closer to each other. But oftentimes it's the opposite. When trials come, oftentimes people begin to blame each other. They start playing the blame game.

I know that one of the worst trials that anyone could ever go through is to have a child die.

A married couple has a child die. I've seen that devastate a marriage in a couple of different cases. It's very hard to get past something like that.

The death of a child is something that is going to take a lot of love and comfort and strength. You can find that in the arms of your mate if you'll pull together. I'm just using this as an example. This is a huge trial. If someone has a child die, instead of pulling the marriage apart, it actually should draw us closer together because that's where we should find the strength that we need from each other.

But again, sometimes we look at the other person and we start to blame them. If he hadn't done this or hadn't done that or she hadn't done this or done that, or maybe it wouldn't have turned out this way.

The same is true in our relationship with God during a time of great trial. Sometimes we start to blame God. Why did God allow this to happen?

Why did God put me through this? Why did He do this?

Instead, that's the time you need to go to God and find the strength that you need during a trial. God is there to give you the strength. He's promised to never leave us nor forsake us. We are free moral agents, as again Mr. Ervin had mentioned in the sermon. We are free moral agents. We get to decide. Time and chance happens to everyone. God doesn't make things turn out on a regular basis. Sometimes He will intervene. Sometimes He will change the course of history. But typically, time and chance is allowed to go on. Bad things happen to good people. They happen to good people all the time.

It's how we deal with a trial.

So, again, seek joy and joyfulness in your marriage at all times, especially during the trials. Turn to each other during times of trial. Learn to have fun together as a couple. Find interest that you have in common. Think about it. Most people don't marry another person because they make them miserable.

That's not usually why we get married. This guy is so lousy, I just hate him. I think I'll marry him. He's a horrible guy. Most of the time we get married because we love the other person. We find joy in being with the other person. We find happiness. That's why people generally want to get married. They would like to be happier than they are by themselves.

They are alone. So it is important that we learn to have fun together. We shouldn't be satisfied with a miserable marriage. That should not be something that satisfies us at all. We should seek a happy marriage, a joyful marriage.

Be sure that you find some common interests and do some things that are fun together. I've been putting off having dancing lessons with my wife for a long time. It's really something I need to do. In fact, I'm trying to put a prod on myself to make sure that happens. In Tulsa, in fact, I gave myself six months to make that happen. That was about a month ago. I still haven't done it yet. My wife and I have fun together, especially when we do some fun things together. Dancing is fun. If you haven't done anything like that in a while, think of things that you enjoy doing together that are fun. Make it happen. Don't procrastinate until you're both in the grave. Wait too long and it's too long.

So don't wait too long. Now, let's look at a couple Scriptures and consider this. In 2 Corinthians 1, verse 24, it talks about how a minister is to be a helper of your joy. I'm supposed to be a helper of your joy. I'm not supposed to make you miserable either. That's not my job as a minister. My job as a minister is to help you grow, help you to develop as a person.

Help you have a closer relationship with God.

In 1 Corinthians 1, verse 24, Paul says, not that we have dominion over your faith. He was talking about the ministry. He was a minister, he was an apostle.

He was talking to the brethren in Corinth. He had to correct the brethren in Corinth because they were frankly a mess. There were divisions, there were schisms, there was infighting, envy and jealousy. There were various types of sins that were going on within the congregation. He says, not that we have dominion over your faith. I don't have dominion over your faith. Your faith is between you and God. Now, you answer to God. I'm not your judge.

God is your judge, and you answer to Him.

So we don't have dominion over your faith, but we are fellow workers. See, that's how you should look at the ministry. Fellow workers, you are a worker, and a minister is a fellow worker. We're all working to become like Christ, are we not? Isn't that our goal? I was a member before I was ever a minister.

I didn't become a minister all of a sudden. I was a member for a number of years, 11 or 12 years before I was ordained.

Just remember, we are fellow workers. As Paul says, fellow workers for your joy, we work together. You should also work for my joy.

I think it works both ways.

When members are doing what they should, it's a joy to the minister. Trust me.

When members are being faithful and obedient, and setting a good example, and serving one another, that is a joy. You are a fellow worker for my joy.

At the same time, I am to be a fellow worker for your joy.

I am to make your life easier on this planet, not harder.

Now, that doesn't mean I might not have to correct you sometimes, but that will actually work in your benefit if I'm doing it for the right reasons. If I'm close to God and I'm fulfilling my responsibilities as a minister, in the way I'm supposed to, then I'll be serving your best interest.

I'm concerned that you do well, that you prosper, that you be in good health, and on and on it goes.

Again, we are to be helpers of each other's joys. My question here is, if I'm to be a helper of your joy, how much more so your wife or your husband?

You're a lot closer to them. You don't sleep with me.

You're a lot closer to your husband or your wife than you are to your minister.

A minister has a certain role to play in your life, but your mate has a far different role.

Obviously, if I'm to be a helper of your joy, how much more should your mate be a helper of your joy?

We should lift each other up, not bring each other down.

We should be there for each other and help each other, support each other, encourage each other.

I'm not going to take the time to go to 2 Corinthians 7.13. You can write it down if you want.

It talks about the joy of Titus being refreshed by you all. In other words, the membership.

Titus was a minister. He was being refreshed by the brethren.

Do you refresh your mate by the simplicity and purity of your spirit?

That's what it talks about in this particular verse. The simplicity and purity of your spirit.

When we go to church, we should refresh each other. This should be a very positive experience to be around each other.

We should refresh each other. We should lift each other up.

How much more so are mates? We are to lift them up, not again to tear them down.

Joy is a very refreshing thing to be joyful, to be happy.

Paul also talked in other places, such as in Romans 15.32, you can write that down as well, where Paul was being refreshed by the joy of the brethren.

The brethren were joyful. That was refreshing. I like it when we're all joyful. That's a good thing.

I like to smile. That's one thing I really enjoy doing a lot of.

It's good to smile. It's good to be happy. It's good to be joyful.

In Romans 15, verse 13, Romans 15, verse 13, here it says, It is God's Spirit working in us that helps us to have joy for one another and toward each other and toward our lives.

We should have hope by the power of God's Spirit.

And then one last scripture under this point, Acts 13, verse 52, it says, The disciples were filled with joy and with the Holy Spirit.

When God's Spirit is in us, then we should be joyful people.

We should stir up the Spirit in us and learn to be joyful.

Even amidst trials, and I know some of you are having some very difficult health trials right now, you need to find the joy in each day as you go through your trials and be grateful to God and be thankful.

Frankly, God's people set wonderful examples of people who are faithful and they look to God for their deliverance, and they have faith. Whether they live or die, they have faith.

They trust God, they believe in God, and they set an example of faith.

And that's very, very important. When we go through trials, if we show faith, then that strengthens the brethren.

That strengthens all of us. So we appreciate the example that so many of you set in your trials.

And again, I know that God's people suffer a lot. You know, every week we read prayer request after prayer request after prayer request.

God has not seen fit to put a hedge around us and keep us from any kind of injury or illness or sickness.

God allows us to go through these things that we might be perfected in the way that we approach these trials that we have.

So it is important that we do set a right example, a godly example for one another, and we are all encouraged, and it makes us joyful to see that.

So I appreciate that. I thank you for that.

Let's go on to a third principle. Always seek peace with your mate. Always seek peace.

In other words, don't look for warfare in your marriage. Don't pride yourself in being a warrior in your marriage.

No, you should be a peacemaker when it comes to your marriage. You should be a peacemaker within your marriage.

Psalm 34 verse 14. David says, So are you seeking peace in your marriage? Are you pursuing it? Seek peace and pursue it earnestly.

1 Peter 3 verse 11 basically says the same thing, that we are to seek peace and pursue peace in our lives.

Seek peace and pursue it. Ephesians 4 verse 26. Let's go there for a moment. Ephesians chapter 4 verse 26.

Again, marriage is a unique relationship, and it will test us in many ways more than any other relationship. We're closer to our mates than we are anyone else. We spend more time with them. We're constantly around them.

In Ephesians 4 verse 26 it says, It is possible to be angry and not to sin. There's a certain righteous indignation that we can have that is not sinful. But there are other times when we are angry and we are sinning. We've lost control. We're not angry for the right reasons. Perhaps we're being selfish and we're angry because of that.

But regardless, notice what it says. It says, Be angry and do not sin, and do not let the sun go down on your wrath.

So even if you are angry in a right sense, you still ought not let that sun go down on your wrath.

Don't let the sun go down on your anger. Make peace. Seek peace. Pursue peace. Don't go to bed angry. That's another good principle. Don't go to bed angry. You shouldn't have to sleep separately as husband and wife. Sometimes the husband gets the couch, or the wife gets the couch, depending on how mean the husband is.

It shouldn't have to work that way, should it?

Be angry and do not sin. Do not let the sun go down on your wrath. So strive to make peace. Talk it out. That's where good communication skills and good conflict resolution skills come in.

When you are able to resolve your conflicts, then you can deal with your anger and not keep it in, but resolve it. Make peace. Pursue peace.

So don't let the sun go down on your wrath. Be forgiving. And remember, you'll be forgiven in the same manner that you forgive others.

Be forgiving in your relationship with your mate. Sometimes our mates will try our patience. Sometimes our mates will do things that we don't understand. We can't fully comprehend why they would do such a thing. But seek peace. Seek forgiveness. Seek understanding. And be a peacemaker in your relationship. So that's the third vital key. If you want to have a vitalized marriage, then you need to seek peace in your marriage. And that leads us to the fourth key. Always be patient and be willing to suffer long with your mate. Always be patient and be willing to suffer long with your mate.

Now, your mate will again try and test you above anyone else in certain ways. The word translated, long suffering, in Galatians 5, verse 22, where it talks about the fruit of God's Spirit, that's the Greek noun, macrothumia, which means forbearance or patience. It is translated as long suffering because macros, the first part of that word, means long.

And thumos means temper, so long-tempered. It literally means to be long-tempered or, in other words, slow to anger. And it talks about God in this way. You know, God is slow to anger. God is long suffering. God is patient. But that's the fruit of God's Spirit. We are to learn patience for one another. Like God is patient, we are to become patient. And then there's a verb, macrothumio, which also means basically to be patient, to be long suffering, to bear with, or to endure. So it's a noun, it's also a verb. We are to be patient in an active way.

And we are to have patience, one for another. According to Vine's expository dictionary of Biblical words, long suffering is that quality of self-restraint in the face of provocation, which does not hastily retaliate or promptly punish. It is the opposite of anger, and it is associated with mercy, and it is used of God. Patience is the quality that does not surrender to circumstances or succumb under trial. It is the opposite of despondency. It is associated with hope. So when we're truly patient, then we'll have hope. You can't have patience unless you're hopeful. You believe things are going to get better, so you can patiently wait for things to get better. You have hope. You believe things are going to get better. So patience is the quality that does not surrender to circumstances. It does not succumb under trial. Now, the word macrothumea, the noun, it says it has two directions of meaning, again from Vines Expository. One, it speaks of an end... No, this was actually from Barclay, I think, Barclay's commentary. First of all, macrothumea speaks of an enduring spirit that never gives up and never gives in. A Jewish writer used it to describe the Roman persistency, which would never make peace under defeat. The Romans might lose a battle, but they would never conceive of losing the war. In the greatest disaster, it never occurred to them to admit defeat. That's the way our patience should be. We might have a setback, but we should believe that we will, with God's help, succeed. Christian patience is a spirit which never admits defeat, which will not be broken by any misfortune or suffering, by any disappointment or discouragement, but which will persist to the end. So that is, again, the enduring spirit that will never give up and will never give in. That's the kind of patience that we should all have in our marriages. If we have that kind of patience, then we can endure a great deal. We can go through a lot of grief, a lot of different types of trials. If you're married to someone for 30 or 40 or 50 years, you're probably going to have to endure a number of trials along the way.

In fact, you may not have to be buried that long to endure a lot of trials. Five or ten, fifteen, twenty, that would bring a lot of trials your way. And then this word, macrothemia, also means patience with people. So it's an enduring spirit that will never give up, but it's also having patience with people.

It deals with maliciousness and cruelty, and yet doesn't get bitter. So sometimes your mate might even be cruel to you, but this kind of patience will allow you not to become bitter. You can endure folly without becoming too irritated. In other words, you can put up with some foolishness without becoming overly irritated.

I'm sure my wife's had to put up with some foolishness on my part, and she's done a pretty good job of not getting overly irritated. I know I've irritated her at times with certain things I do, and I'm sure she might say the same thing about me. She's irritated me at times with some of the things she does. But nevertheless, we both have enough patience to overlook certain things.

There are certain idiosyncrasies, certain things that our mates do that might not really be the thing that we like to see happening, but with the right kind of patience we can endure that. It's a little bit like the puppy who will yap persistently at the heels of a big dog. Have you ever seen this? I remember a member I visited a few years ago.

They had a mastiff. A mastiff is a huge big dog. They also had a couple of Yorkies. And these Yorkies were nipping at the heels of this mastiff constantly, jumping up, licking away, and just being very annoying. And the mastiff was very patient, put up with the foolishness of this much smaller dog with one, and they could have put a stop to that. And probably some dogs have put a stop to that kind of behavior.

They didn't have that kind of patience that we're talking about, the kind of patience that we need in our marriages. We don't want to get too angry, too irritated in our marriages, and bite someone's head off, so to speak. So this is the kind of spirit that this big dog has. It has the ability to not destroy a much weaker dog. It could, but it doesn't. It bears injury and insult without bitterness and without complaint. It bears with fools, without irritation or without too much irritation. A man who has the power to avenge himself is speaking about the man who has the power to avenge himself and doesn't use it.

The fact the power is not used is not a sign of powerlessness, but instead of patience. The kind of patience that we all need to have. Now, there's another Greek word that is most often translated patience. It's the word hypo-monae. It expresses patience in regard to adverse things, whereas macrothumea is more often used in regard to patience with antagonistic people. So hypo-monae is another word that's often translated patience.

We need both kinds of patience. We need patience in regard to circumstances and also in regard to people. These words are often found together in the same sentence, in the same verse, in the Bible. God really does want us to be patient. Patience is a virtue that will go a long ways in our marriage. When we lose patience, when we become irritated, then there's a cycle that is set up that gets worse and worse.

Smaller things begin to irritate us. Things that used to not irritate us, now they irritate us. They're getting under our skin, so to speak. So you have to deal with these things and you have to resolve conflict before it gets worse in your marriage. Sometimes you have to get counsel if it's getting so bad where you start throwing things at each other.

Or you're thinking about throwing things at each other. Then you may need to get some counsel so that you don't hurt one another and make things worse. You don't want a cycle. You want to stop the cycle, the bad cycle that's been developed.

I'd like to share with you a letter that President Ronald Reagan wrote to his son, Mike. This was back in 1971, in June of 1971, just days before his 26-year-old son, Michael, got married. Now, he wasn't yet president at this time, but he sent him this letter of advice. I'll share it with you. Dear Mike, you've heard all the jokes that have been rousted around by all the unhappy marrieds and cynics. That's really the brunt of a lot of nighttime talk shows or comedy hours about marriage, about not getting married, not wanting to get married, being single and remaining single the rest of your life. So anyway, he says, you've heard about all these jokes about unhappy marrieds and cynics. Now, in case no one has suggested it, there is another viewpoint. You have entered into the most meaningful relationship there is in all of human life. It can be whatever you decide to make it. So it is largely a choice, a decision.

There are more men griping about marriage who kick the whole thing away themselves than there can ever be wives deserving of blame. There is an old law of physics that you can only get out of a thing as much as you put in it. The man who puts into the marriage only half of what he owns will get that out. I think there's a little pun there. Usually when you get divorced, you lose half of everything that you ever had.

So the man who puts into the marriage only half of what he owns will get only half out. It takes quite a man to remain attractive and to be loved by a woman who has heard him snore, seen him unshaven, tended to him while he was sick, washed his dirty underwear.

Do that and keep her still feeling a warm glow, and you will know some very beautiful music. Mike, you know better than many what an unhappy home is. Now, he was married to an actress, I believe. Ronald Reagan was, and that ended in divorce. I guess that was where Mike came from, that first marriage.

So, Mike, you know better than many what an unhappy home is and what it can do to others. Now you have a chance to make it come out the way it should. There is no greater happiness for a man than approaching a door at the end of a day, knowing someone on the other side of that door is waiting for the sound of his footsteps. Love, Dad. P.S. You'll never get in trouble if you say, I love you at least once a day.

So that's just another piece of advice. It is good to say, I love you. It goes back to the first point about loving each other. You should verbalize it. You should tell your mate that you love them and do it on a regular basis.

But again, marriage is much what we make of it. You know, it's the choices that we decide to make. It's the commitment that we have in our marriage. And it's whether or not we're applying certain principles in our marriage. So today we've talked about four vital keys to a vitalized marriage. There are five more that we'll talk about next time when we get together. But let's rehearse them briefly.

First of all, remember that love is the key. It is a vital key to marriage. Love your mate with all of your soul, your mind, your heart, with all of your might, with all that is in you. Remember how powerful love is. Secondly, always seek joy and joyfulness in your relationship with your mate. Don't allow anything to steal your joy. Thirdly, always seek peace with your mate. And number four, always be patient and be willing to suffer long with your mate. So those are the first five or first four principles. Does anyone know what the fifth one's going to be when we get back together?

No? I want you to think about it. You should know. You should know what the fifth, sixth, seventh, eighth, and ninth are. If you stop and think about it, many of you will figure this out between now and next time that we get together. So some of you may have already figured it out as you're thinking about it now. Again, we've gone through the first four vital keys to a vitalized marriage. Next time, we'll talk about the next five. So in the meantime, put to practice the first four in your marriage and in your relationships with one another.