Vital Keys to a Vitalized Marriage, Part 2

Well, last time you may remember that I talked about being married to my lovely wife for 33 years. It'll be 34 years in October. And I discussed how I've counseled a number of you for marriage, and have performed some marriages, some weddings. But it really isn't about me. It's all about you, and it's about your relationship with God and with your mate. If you're going to have a happy marriage, a successful, productive marriage, then you will need to apply vital biblical and spiritual keys in your marital relationship. We talked about how our marriages are a type of a much greater relationship, a godly relationship, actually two godly relationships. The first being the relationship between God the Father and Jesus Christ. And we read some scriptures that talk about the oneness of God the Father and of Jesus the Christ. And they certainly have loved each other from the very beginning. And there is no closer relationship than the one that the Father and the Son have with each other. So marriage is a type of that. It's a loving relationship, and we are to emulate the kind of love that God the Father and Jesus the Christ have for each other.

We are to emulate that relationship. We are to learn to love each other. God is love, and we're to become like God. We're actually to be born into the God family. We're supposed to be developing the character of God, and we're supposed to become like God. And we should treat each other like God would treat all of us, and like Jesus Christ would treat the Father with that kind of oneness. And we know the Bible talks about two human beings coming together, a man and a wife, and becoming one flesh. So certainly there is a direct correlation between God the Father and Jesus Christ being one, and a marital relationship becoming as one. And the second godly relationship that a marriage emulates is the one between Jesus Christ, the head of the church, and also the firstfruits. We are called out and chosen by God to be firstfruits, and we are also to learn to love our husband, Jesus Christ, our future husband. We're now betrothed to Jesus Christ, so there is an engagement period that's going on presently. We await the return of Jesus Christ. We await the marriage ceremony and the marriage supper of the Lamb. Christ is to marry the church. He's to marry the firstfruits, and we are among the firstfruits. So this is a sermon not just for those who are married, but for all of us, because all of us are called to be firstfruits. We're all called to become like God. So these are principles that we can all apply, regardless of whether or not we plan to ever be married or not. Last time I asked you how well your marriage was going, for those of you who are married. And again, I talked about the vital keys, biblical principles that will allow you to have a vitalized marriage. Remember, that was the term we used, the vitalized marriage. There's a conflicted couple, and that's not what we want to be, because people who are in conflict or constantly in conflict have a difficult time being happy in marriage. That's the lowest level of satisfaction among couples, is to be conflicted, you know, to have a relationship where they're in constant turmoil. Then there's what is referred to as the conventional couple. And I'm actually using the terms that the Prepare and Enrich Marriage Program uses to describe various couples. There are four couples, the conflicted couple, the conventional couple, a couple that's highly committed to one another, but not as skilled in communication, not as skilled in resolving conflicts. And then there's a harmonious couple type that has a very high level of satisfaction across most areas of their relationship. And then there's the highest, the vitalized couple that is most satisfied in their relationship, and they are skilled in many, many aspects of their marital relationship. For example, they're skilled in communication. They know how important it is to communicate with one another. They're good at that, and also they're good at resolving conflicts. If you can communicate with each other and you can resolve your conflicts, typically those types of marriages will flourish. They will thrive.

We talked about nine vital keys to a vitalized marriage. We covered the first four keys, the first one being love your mate with all of your soul, your mind, and your heart. Love your mate with all that is in you. Now, we all recognize that as being the first great commandment. Love God with all of your heart, your soul, your might, with all of your heart and mind. Remember, the second commandment is like to it. It's love your neighbor as yourself. And there is no closer neighbor than your wife or your husband. And to learn to love them as you love yourself. And the Bible says no one ever hated themselves, although some may act like it at times. But deep down, no one has ever really hated themselves when you really get down and understand what's going on there.

So the first point was to love your mate with all of your soul, mind, and heart with all that is in you.

And we talked about the importance of love in our relationships, because that's how we are to be known as Christ's disciples. If you have love, one for another. If you love each other. So as a church, all of us in here need to be learning to love each other, to treat each other with respect, to care for each other, to pray for each other, to be there when we need help, when one of us needs help, then we all suffer to a degree and we're willing to help. Those are all godly principles. The second vital key was to always seek joy and joyfulness in your relationship with your mate. Don't allow anything to steal the joy that you ought to have with one another, because marriage is to be happy. That's why we marry each other, because we want to be happy. We desire to be happy.

You know, we really care for this person that we're willing to commit our lives to. And so we want to be happy in a relationship. So we need to seek joy and joyfulness in our relationship with our mate and do whatever we can do to bring joy into the marriage. Be a helper of your mate's joy. And then the third key was always seek peace with your mate. Seek peace. Pursue it earnestly. Don't let the sun go down on your wrath. Don't be angry. Forgive one another. Make up. It's always good to make up. It's fun to make up. So, I mean, I'm not encouraging have fights so you can make up. But on the other hand, it's much better to make up than to stay mad at each other. So again, seek joy, seek peace in your relationship. Be a peacemaker in your relationship and be forgiving. Because remember, we will be forgiven.

How? In the same manner that we forgive others. So if you want to be forgiven by God, then you need to learn to be a forgiving person yourself. Because there is a direct correlation. If you are unforgiving, then don't expect God to forgive you. God will forgive you as you repent. And as He grants you repentance, you have to seek repentance. And part of repentance is learning to forgive. It's a very, very important part of forgiveness. And then the fourth key that we talked about last time was always be patient. Always be willing to suffer long with your mate. And we spent some time going through a couple of different Greek words that are translated patience and long suffering. So patience is one of those key virtues that we really need to practice on a daily basis. We spent a lot of time with our mates, and your mate will try and test your patience like no one else. Because you just spend so much time with them. And you have to put up with their quirks, their idiosyncrasies, their weaknesses, their lack of character in certain ways. You have to learn to cope with that. So it is your mate that will try your patience above anyone else. So if we understand that and we're prepared for it, then that will certainly make it easier. So always be patient and be willing to suffer long with your mate. And then the fifth key, a vital key, a new one that we're going to talk about today. And by now you have figured out where we're going with this, right? You have figured out that I'm covering the nine fruits of God's Holy Spirit. We talked about the first four, and this is the fifth one. The fifth fruit of God's Spirit is kindness. So number five, always be kind-hearted toward your mate. Always be kind-hearted. You know, if you will practice this godly principle, this fruit of God's Spirit, if you will be kind to your mate, that will go a long ways. Now, I know we've all heard that the phrase familiarity breeds what? Does it breed kind-heartedness? Typically, it doesn't. Familiarity, unfortunately, because of our carnal human nature, because of our flesh, it oftentimes breeds contempt. So familiarity, you can't be any more familiar than with your mate. I mean, as far as a human relationship, that's as close as it gets. So if familiarity breeds contempt, then we have to be on guard that we don't become contemptuous toward our mates. So that's something very, very important that, you know, Satan would love for you to hold your mate in contempt. He would love for you to become a grumbler and a complainer and hostile toward your mate. He is an accuser of the brethren, and he wants you to accuse your mate. He wants you to be judge and jury and convict your mate of all types of heinous crimes. That's what Satan would like you to do.

But on the other hand, if you're kind-hearted, then you will thwart all of Satan's advances in that area if you learn to be kind-hearted. And by the way, this word kindness that's also translated gentleness, it's kindness in the New King James Version. It's gentleness in the King James Version. It means usefulness that is moral excellence in character or demeanor. Moral excellence. So if you want to have moral excellence, then you will be known. If you are someone who has moral excellence, then you will be known as a kind person. It is your nature to be kind, to be compassionate, to be caring. So I think that brings a little bit to the table when we understand what this word kindness means. It's not just being nice. Being nice is very important, but it's going way beyond that to having moral excellence in character and in your demeanor. And everything that you say and everything that you do, if it reflects kindness, then trust me, your husband or wife, they're going to be happy. If everything you do reflects kindness and love and compassion and care, it's going to be difficult for them not to be happy. Even if they're very unhappy people, it's going to help change them into becoming more joyful and happier people.

So it is very important that we do practice kindness, that we practice moral excellence with our mates. And you know it's interesting, but there are two words that I remember telling my kids over and over again as they were younger, as they were both, oh, one was probably two or three and the other was maybe five. Be nice! Be nice! I mean, I remember constantly telling them to be nice! Be nice to each other. Be kind-hearted is basically what I was telling them.

Be nice to your mate. And you children, be nice to your brothers, to your sisters, and to your parents. It's good that you learn to practice kindness, moral excellence, becoming nice. Let's go to Colossians chapter 3. Colossians chapter 3, and let's read what Paul says.

There are many parallel verses that Paul uses in his writings. He wrote many epistles, and he repeats himself over and over in different ways. Of course, Paul was the one that wrote down the fruits of the Spirit for us, the fruits of God's Holy Spirit, and admonished us to produce the fruit of God's Spirit. In Colossians chapter 3, and you'll see some fruits of God's Spirit mentioned here, Colossians 3 verse 12, and this is under the subheading in my New King James Bible entitled, Character of the New Man. When we come out of the waters of baptism, we are to be new men and new women. We are to be different from the old carnal self that we once walked in. We're now to walk in the Spirit. We're to be different. Verse 12 of Colossians chapter 3, Therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, put on tender mercies, put on kindness, that's that word that's translated usefulness or moral character, gentleness, put on kindness. That's something that we have to put on. It doesn't necessarily come naturally. It's something that we have to work at. We have to constantly be thinking about it. I need to be nice. I need to be kind. I need to be caring, and I need to show that I do love and respect and care for everyone.

So put on, first of all, tender mercies, and these things are also closely related.

If we have tender mercies toward our mates, then our marriages will go much better.

If we're kind toward them, humility, which is another fruit of God's Spirit, humility, meekness, long suffering, we talked about that, bearing with one another. In other words, being patient, long suffering, again, a couple different ways to say it, but bearing with one another and forgiving one another. If anyone has a complaint against another, even as Christ forgave you, so you also must do. So if anyone has any type of complaint against another, we are to forgive them even as Christ has forgiven us. Christ showed his forgiveness by dying for us, by his willingness to sacrifice himself while we were yet sinners. It wasn't after we'd all become perfect, right?

He died for us as we were all sinners. And so if we're supposed to forgive others as Christ forgave us, then we have to forgive them while they're sinners. Even while they're sinners, we're still supposed to forgive them. Now, certainly there is a type of forgiveness that God only has, which is upon repentance. And the Scripture does talk about that as well, but we as human beings, we need to learn to forgive others. Remember what Christ said and remember what Stephen said. Stephen was being stoned to death. Christ was being crucified. And they both said, Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do. So Stephen had already forgiven them, and Christ had forgiven them, and they were asking the Father to forgive as well. So it is an improper concept to think that you don't have to forgive someone unless they repent.

You still need to forgive them. That doesn't mean you have to forget what they've done.

It doesn't mean you don't have to be careful or cautious against someone that might repeat an offense. But nevertheless, you need to find the love of God in your heart to forgive one another. That's what the Scripture tells us to do. Remember, we're supposed to love our enemies. Isn't that what Christ said on the Sermon on the Mount?

Love your enemies. Pray for those who despitefully use you and persecute you.

So the Scripture is clear in that regard.

Verse 14, But above all these things put on love, which is the bond of perfection. God is perfect, Christ is perfect, and they are both love. God is love. Love is the bond of perfection. And let the peace of God rule in your hearts. Again, these are fruits of God's Spirit that we're talking about here primarily. Let the peace of God rule in your hearts to which also you were called in one body and be thankful. Be thankful for all things. That's a very, very important element, is learning to be thankful. And look at the strengths in your mate. Don't dwell on the weaknesses that your mate has, because your mate does have weaknesses. My wife has weaknesses, but I also have weaknesses. And if she dwells on all my weaknesses and forgets the good things, then I'm in deep trouble. Life will be somewhat miserable if she only dwells on the bad things and the wrong things about me. And the same thing is true. If I dwell on the very miniscule, tiny, small things that my wife has wrong with her, then I'm in trouble too, because you can build a small thing into something huge. And if she looks at the huge things that I have in my life, then again, I'm in deep trouble. So it really is important to learn to forgive each other, to laugh at the circumstances sometimes, not to take things so seriously. You know, sometimes we can get bent out of shape when we take it too seriously. Not that we shouldn't be serious, because sins and weaknesses are serious matters. And they do need to be dealt with, but primarily the person that is guilty is the one that has to deal with them. You can't deal with it for them. You know, they have to learn to do that. So you can make your life miserable by holding on to the problems that your maid has. If your maid has certain issues and problems that he's dealing with, that's what he's dealing with between him and God. And of course, that affects the maid, and the husband or the wife should take that seriously and try to be nice to their maid by changing their behavior, by working on whatever it is that is a problem. But also, the maid can make themselves miserable by dwelling on the weaknesses of their maid or their partner. So it's very, very important that, again, you have to get the plank out of your own eye.

Then you can see more easily to help others with their issues and with their problems.

So always be kindhearted toward your mate. And, you know, frankly, men and women are different, aren't they? They think differently. You know, books have been written about the differences between men and women. Men are from Mars, right? They're warriors, you know? They got their issues. Women are from Venus, you know, that they're different. You know, they got pointy ears, right? Pointy noses, too. They got pointy ears. They're Venusians. They're different. I'd like to read a couple of imaginary journal entries from a wife and her husband, reflecting on the same day's events. So this is a diary, first of all, from the wife's perspective. Here's what she says. Tonight my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet in a nice restaurant for dinner. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong. He said, nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and there was nothing to worry about. When we got home, he just sat there quietly and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed, but I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep. I don't know what to do. Okay, so that's the wife's journal entry. And here's the husband's journal entry.

Roth Day. Boat wouldn't start. Can't figure out why.

That was it. He must have been a fisherman. His boat wouldn't start. He couldn't figure out why. And that was the size of it. I mean, it does, obviously. It's somewhat humorous, but it does show to some degree that we can think our maid is thinking a certain way when maybe he isn't, maybe there's a deeper problem, his boat won't start. Now, man, we can do better than that, can't we? I mean, if our wife wants us to go out on a romantic date to a beautiful restaurant, does she want you thinking about your boat all evening? Is that acceptable?

It's really not acceptable. It may be the way it is, to some degree, but it's not acceptable.

You shouldn't stew about your boat when you're supposed to be on a romantic date with your wife.

And if she's talking to you, you should listen, and you should consider what she's saying, not continue to think about your boat and all the fish that you weren't able to catch, because your boat wouldn't start, and how frustrated and angry you got. You know, that's not what you need to dwell on. You need to be able to switch gears, guys, and realize that you're not out on the lake. You're with your wife, and that's even better, guys, than being out on the lake, right? That's right. Well, it should be better.

Now, if the fish are biting...

Just kidding. All right, but it does kind of underscore that there are differences between men and women, and we have to learn to be patient with each other, but we do need to learn to converse. Conversation is extremely important. It isn't acceptable just to clam up and say nothing. If your wife is wanting to talk, then you need to make an effort to talk, and you need to even learn how to enjoy the conversation. I mean, really, it is enjoyable if you get the knack of it, guys. It's enjoyable. You know, you can identify with each other. You have a lot in common.

You know, you married this woman because you loved her. There were things about her that you really liked. Hopefully, it wasn't just physical, fleshly reasons, but there were... She was intelligent. She was funny. She had character. There were things that you can discuss and talk to her about, and you can discuss the Bible. That's certainly one thing that we all have in common. Talk about your Bible study and what's been going on and what you've been learning and how things have gone with the kids. If you have children, how the work's going, just whatever it is, just start talking and let the conversation continue for a while. Don't just do it because you have to. Learn to do it because it's the right thing to do, and it's really a good thing to do. But if you have to do it to start with and do it, have to do it then. You know, if that's where you need to start, then make yourself do it. Make yourself talk and keep trying. If it doesn't go too well and your wife realizes that you're just going through the motions, then she might get upset with you, but try it again the next time. Don't just see it. There's a cyclical thing that often happens. A guy is actually trying. You know, a guy in his mind, he thinks he's trying. He's trying to learn to converse. He's trying to learn to open up, but it's not quite good enough for his wife yet. So she hammers him for it, and then instead of trying the next time, he's less likely to try. Now, it's not the wife's fault. Well, it is her fault if she hammers him. I mean, women, come on. We don't need hammered. We've got enough stresses in life, frankly. We've got enough going on in our lives that we really don't need hammered. You know, we need some understanding as well, because men have stressful lives. You know, they have to provide for the... oftentimes, they have to provide for the big breadwinner. Not always, of course, but oftentimes, and there are certain stresses. The boat won't start. You know, there are things that are going on that are troubling them. So it just takes a little bit of understanding on both sides. So learn to be kindhearted to each other. Now, I'd like to share with you some comments from Roger Ebert. Many of you probably have heard of Roger Ebert. He's a critic, a movie critic. This is from his memoirs entitled Life Itself. And actually, this was Susan Walazizny or something strange, probably a Polish name, Walz-la-zonsny. She writes, Ebert can no longer speak after cancer, which began with a tumor that was removed in 1987. So we're going back a long time, 87-97, that's what, 25 years ago. And it reoccurred years later, robbing him of his voice in 2006. Multiple surgeries to battle the disease that ravaged his thyroid, his salivary glands, and his jaw, left him with a chin whose skin dangles loosely and leaves a gap where his throat should be. Eating and drinking are also out, replaced by a feeding tube. So he's been on a feeding tube for a long time. This was dated September the 6th in 2011. I guess he's still alive. I don't recall hearing that he had died.

So back in 2006, this happened to him and he's been using a feeding tube since.

One person has helped Ebert through the ordeal. One person, primarily. I'm sure others have helped him, but his wife Chas was the one most instrumental. Ebert reminds us of the power of love as he describes her support during this period of hardship. And I quote from Roger Ebert, he says, her love was like a wind pushing me back from the grave. I'm sure he felt like he had one foot in the grave, but her love was like a wind that was pushing him back from the grave. He had a desire to keep living. And the way she treated him gave him a desire to continue living. It was pushing him out of the grave. So as far as I know, he's still alive today. And he probably has his wife to thank for that. And God as well. God is merciful. And even though he's suffered a lot, he still has life.

So your love expressed to a person in need can be like a wind pushing them back from the grave. I mean, that's real kindness. You know, that is love exemplified in the way you treat someone. So I would encourage all of us to be there for each other. And I would encourage you to be there for each other during the good times, but also during the difficult times, the hard times. In fact, when you get married, that's basically what you're committing yourself to. Good times and bad times. And we have some wonderful examples of people who have gone through good times and bad times together. The Clements' 60 years. And I'm sure they've had a few bad times in those 60 years, and also the Lewis' 58 years. You know, they probably had a few rough spots in those years, but they're still here. They're still together. They're still sitting together.

They look like they care for each other. I believe they do. So those are good examples of people who are in it for the long haul and in it because of the right reasons as well. You know, not just the long haul, but to make each other's lives better. To not only benefit their mate, but also to be benefited themselves. You know, marriage should be that way. It should be good for both people. It shouldn't be good just for one. I mean, that's a very selfish marriage when you see two people, and one does all the giving, and the other does all the taking. If you've got one that does 90% of the giving, and you've got the other person who does 90% of the taking, that's not a very healthy marriage. You know, we both need to learn to give. We all have to be givers. You know, God loves a cheerful giver, and that's true in marriage. You know, God loves someone who will cheerfully give of himself. Man, we're supposed to give of ourselves to our mates. We're supposed to sacrifice for ourselves. I see Malcolm Lewis has given up his coat for his wife. You know, it's keeping her... she's got a little bit chilly. There's another marriage. They've been married a long time, and you can see they love each other. So, men, we have to be receptive, and we also have to be aware of our wives' needs. When we see that she's cold, then give up your jacket.

You know, little things mean a lot, so that's a healthy thing.

So, always be good to your... this point was always be kind to your wife. Be kind-hearted toward your wife and toward your husband. Now, number six, always be good to your mate.

Always be good. Don't be bad. Don't be bad to your mate. Be a good boy. Be a good girl.

And be good to your mate. Don't be nasty. Okay, we need to get the nastiness out. Again, do nice things for your wife. Remember those two important words. Be nice. Be nice.

Find out what your mate likes and do those things, expecting nothing in return.

If you just do it because it's the right thing to do and because you love your husband or wife, then that will certainly help nurture your marriage. It'll make your wife happy. It'll make your husband happy. And they will be more likely to start giving themselves.

Now, if they have someone that's giving to them, eventually, hopefully, it will catch on.

So, the Bible says, don't be weary in well-doing. So, if you happen to be in a relationship where you're giving 90% of the time and your mate's only giving 10% of the time, don't be weary in well-doing.

You're doing the right thing. Don't use that as an excuse to stop doing the right thing because your marriage will get even worse. You know, as long as you can keep your conversion about you and you're giving 90% of the time, a marriage can last. It's not the greatest marriage, but it can last if at least one person in the relationship is willing to give without worrying about it. Now, it's when we start worrying about how much we're giving and how much the other person is not. You know, that's what will take us down. And that's Christ-like. You know, Christ gave everything. Christ gave it all. And that's the example that we are to follow. So even if we're in a relationship that isn't a very giving relationship on both sides, continue to do what you should do and have faith and hope that things will get better. You know, and just keep the faith.

And hopefully your mate, I was going to call him an idiot, hopefully he'll wake up or she'll wake up someday because it's important that we learn to be giving. So always be good to your mate.

Even go to battle for your mate if you have to. It reminds me of a story I just recently heard out of Alaska. And my wife and I will be going to Alaska before too long to visit our grandson Xander and our daughter Jamie. Her husband is fishing and my son's fishing with him. They're out near Kodiak Island, but we'll be going and spending time with our daughter in about a month or so. So this story comes out of Alaska. Alaskan Dorothy Taylor, age 85, and her husband, George Murphy. I don't know why they have different last names. I guess Alaskans are like that. You know, they keep their last names, but they're married. I don't know. Anyway, Dorothy Taylor and husband, George Murphy. George is only 82. She's 85. They got into a tussle with a moose while taking their golden retrievers, feller and tut, out for some fresh air. Now this was reported in the Anchorage Daily News, and this was reported on January 22, 2012. So it was extremely cold out January 22, 2012. Taylor, the wife, Taylor was waiting in their truck to avoid the Alaskan sub-zero temperatures while her husband collected the dogs. That's when Murphy, the husband, noticed the massive animal, the moose. He was way off. He spotted me, and he started to come right after me.

Now, I don't think this is typical, but sometimes it does happen. So I was trying to get to the truck, but I didn't make it. Murphy, a bush pilot from Willow, Alaska, told the Daily News, the moose caught Murphy and began stomping on him in the snow. Fortunately, his five-foot-tall wife, Dorothy, grabbed a shovel from the truck and attacked the moose, taking swing after swing at the animal, five-foot, eighty-five years old Alaskan. I don't know if that would go well in Oklahoma, but the Alaskan women, anyway, they rise to the challenge. When it turned and started to go off slowly, I hit it with everything I had. She said, finally the moose retreated and Tut, one of their dogs, chased it off. Taylor made it out of the fight unscathed, but her husband had seven broken ribs and a six-inch cut on his forehead. So this bull moose was definitely out to get him. But thankfully, his wife came to his rescue. She was being good to him. She was being real good. She said, well, we've helped each other out of problems before. This just happened to be the latest. It was the latest one. It's probably going to happen again. Something like this. She's prepared. So women and men, we can take heart from this Alaskan couple. We need to get prepared to do whatever is necessary to be good to each other. This was from an article entitled, 85-year-old woman wields shovel to stop moose from stomping. All right, so that's point number six. Be good to each other. Let's go to Romans 15. It does talk about goodness and being good. By the way, this word goodness in the Greek means virtue or beneficence, the act of doing good, the act of doing something good. So whatever it is, the Bible says that God is good and that every good gift comes from God. God is good. God is love. If you want to become like God, you need to be practicing goodness in your life, the act of doing good. So in Romans chapter 15 verse 14, Romans 15 verse 14, Now I myself am confident concerning you, my brethren, that you also are full of goodness. Now this is Paul complimenting the church at Rome. He says, they are full of goodness filled with all knowledge, able also to admonish one another.

So he's commending them for their goodness. Obviously, we should be good if a congregation is good to each other. How much more should a wife or a husband be good to their mate?

So goodness is very, very important in a marriage. So practice goodness. It's the fruit of God's Holy Spirit. Now a seventh fruit of God's Spirit is to always be gentle, be meek and humble with your mate. Meekness and humility is the next word. Gentleness or meekness and humility, it means virtually the same thing. It is the opposite of self-interest and self-assertiveness. There are programs that teach us to be more assertive, and sometimes we do need to learn to be more assertive. But some of us need to learn to be less assertive. Some of us need to learn more humility, and it is the opposite of self-interest. It is not occupied with the self at all. So selfishness will ruin a marriage. If both people are selfish, the marriage is going down the tubes. If both of them are very, very selfish, and we're all selfish to a degree, granted, every one of us is. But if a marriage is consumed with selfishness on both sides, it is doomed to failure. It will be a very unhappy marriage. If one person is unselfish, it's still not going to be a very happy marriage, but it may survive.

If both people are unselfish, then you have a vitalized marriage. Then you have a vital, vibrant marriage where each is looking out for the welfare of the other. And it's a beautiful thing to see both mates looking out for the benefit and the welfare of the other. And it's also true, again, if we're not married, these are all principles. We all need to learn meekness, humility. We all need to learn to be gentle people, kind, and good.

Humility goes a long ways in relationships with others. It goes a long, long ways when we're humble. People notice that. You know, humility speaks very loudly, even though we don't have to say anything. Our behavior speaks loudly. If we're humble people, it speaks very loudly. So how do you treat your mate? You know, are you humble with your mate? Are you a humble person when it comes to your mate? Or are you so used to them that you're not very humble? You're assertive, you're loud, you're mean. You know, all of these things that can sometimes happen.

You know, we can be mean to each other. We can be angry. We can, you know, we can just make things worse. When we're humble, things will get better. So are you humble or are you too often haughty and proud in your relationship with your mate? These are good questions to ask ourselves.

Always be gentle, meek, and humble with your mate. 2 Corinthians 10, verse 1.

2 Corinthians chapter 10, verse 1.

2 Corinthians 10, verse 1.

You know, if your marriage has survived many years at all, it means you're practicing some of these traits for sure. You know, there's no way you couldn't be practicing some of the fruits of God's Spirit for your marriage to last. So, by virtue of the fact that you've been together for a number of years, take that as a good thing. Take that as something positive. You know, there are fruits of the Spirit of God that are being produced and are being recognized. And, you know, things are at least, you know, they're good enough to keep things moving and going in the, at least in the right direction to a degree.

This point here about humility, 2 Corinthians 10, verse 1. Now, I, Paul, myself, am pleading with you. Now, Paul sometimes pleads with the brother, and he begs the brother, and he cares for the brother, and he loves them. And so, he's engaging them again. He's engaging them, and, you know, he doesn't always speak just smooth things and say, you know, all of you are perfect out there. All of you are wonderful. You know, there isn't a thing wrong with any of you.

You know, you're just perfect. You know, that isn't normally how the Bible goes. You know, the Bible does bring up weaknesses. The Bible brings up faults. The Bible brings up all these things. So, don't expect a minister to always talk about nothing except positive things. Now, a minister should strive in a sermon to throw out a lot of positive things. And I hope I've done that. I mean, I'm sure I've fallen short, and there are times when I know I've fallen short, and I've been too negative with you as a congregation.

Frankly, I'm very pleased with you as a congregation. I'm very happy, happy, happy, happy to be here. I'm a happy person, and part of it is because of you. You're lovely people, and I respect every one of you. I love all of you. There isn't a single person in here that I don't like to get together with and spend time with. You know, I really do care about all of you, and I frankly would like to spend more time with you.

And by the way, let me just tell you a common mistake. People assume the ministers always get invited to people's homes. Don't think that's true, because it doesn't happen as often as you think. And, you know, we're all busy people, and we can't be going out to eat every night with brethren, but sometimes it is very nice.

So, you know, I'm not... it may come across badly here. I don't want it to, but I'm just saying that once every five or six years it may not be asking too much, you know. And, you know, frankly, we're very busy too, and we don't invite people over as much. It can be a burden. I know that having... I mean, it's a burden in one sense, but it's also a wonderful thing. And I'm always... I mean, I'm a big encourager of... let's do potlucks. You know, let's... everyone bring something. So we don't, you know, knock the wife out with all of the works that she has to do, to the point where she doesn't really want to entertain, because it's so much work.

But if we could have two or three couples over, and I don't know how much you guys are inviting each other over, but come on, once every couple years, if you haven't had anyone to your home in a long time, you know, maybe now's the time. Now, the Bible does say to be hospitable. And I think that is a part of being hospitable, having people to your home. So if you never do it, then frankly, we're way too busy. I mean, we are just way too busy. Our priorities aren't very good.

You know, if we can't ever have anyone over, then we're short-sighted. You know, we're not really thinking about the priorities in life. There comes a time when you just have to, you know, give of yourself and get out there and be hospitable. And, you know, this church would grow so much.

Trust me, this church would grow so much if we would just do this one thing. If everyone in here would just take it seriously, and if you have a little house, and it's not always the cleanest house in the world, and you don't have a lot of money to buy food, but you have people over anyway, and you find a way, this church will grow, because that's where true love is often exemplified. It's when people go out of their way and are hospitable to one another.

So, kind of got off the track there, but I think it was something that needed to be said.

Getting back to verse 1, chapter 10.

Pleading with you by the meekness and the gentleness of Christ. Christ is meek. Christ is gentle. We are told to put on the mind of Jesus Christ. We are to be people who are meek and gentle, who in presence am lowly among you. This is what Paul's saying. Paul was a humble person.

So, he's encouraging the people at Corinth here, and there were a lot of problems at Corinth, frankly, and he was pleading with them to have the meekness and the gentleness of Christ. Evidently, they did not always have the meekness and the gentleness of Christ, and he had to warn them and admonish them to put on the mind of Jesus Christ. And actually, the church at Corinth is the church that probably takes more correction than any other church in the Bible. The church at Corinth had a lot of issues that they needed to work on.

So, key number seven to a vital marriage is always be gentle, meek, and humble with your mate.

Key number eight, always be faithful to your mate in all things. Be faithful to your mate.

There are many ways to be faithful. If you say you're going to do something and you don't do it, that's not being very faithful. That's frankly a lie, plus it's not being very faithful. So, that's not a healthy thing. Let your word be your bond. We all fall short at times. I know I have. I probably will in the future. But nevertheless, we should let our word be our bond.

Always be faithful to your mate in all things. That covers a lot of ground, doesn't it? Be faithful in all things. Let's go to 2 Corinthians 11. 2 Corinthians 11, just on the same page, actually, verse 1. Paul says, "'O that you would bear with me in a little folly, and indeed you do bear with me, for I am jealous for you with godly jealousy.'" Paul had a godly jealousy. It's okay to have a godly jealousy. "'For I have betrothed you to one husband, that I may present you as a chaste virgin to Christ. But I fear lest somehow as the serpent deceived Eve by his craftiness.'" See, Eve was not faithful to God. And Adam wasn't faithful either. They were not faithful to God because God told them clearly, there's one tree that you must not eat from. They were commanded not to eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. So Adam and Eve were not faithful to God. They were unfaithful to God. And that's what we're talking about here, being unfaithful. "'But I fear lest somehow as the serpent deceived Eve by his craftiness.'" Yes, he used deception. And Satan is very deceptive. And sin is very deceptive. And Satan is always seeking whom he may devour. So if your mate has a problem, it shouldn't surprise you too much because Satan is powerful. And Satan is out to deceive your mate.

Satan is out to tempt your mate. Satan is out to destroy your mate. So it shouldn't surprise you that much if once in a while he makes inroads. So obviously we have to fight against Satan, and we have to resist Satan. The Bible says, resist Satan and he will flee from you. But the fact of the matter is we are all sinners here, men and women. All of us are sinners, and we all fall short. And sometimes we fall under the temptation of Satan the devil. And sometimes we do and say things we ought not say we ought not do. And hopefully we are sorry with a godly sorrow when we have done these things because true repentance goes a long ways. And it's much easier to forgive when your mate knows that you are repentant, that you are striving to understand, striving to change, that you want to do the right thing, but that you're maybe weak in an area and it's taking some time. Whatever that area may be. Marriages can survive almost anything. And again, that's not a license to sin, is it? When I say that, if anyone takes that as a license to sin, they're idiots. That's not what I'm saying at all. But a marriage could almost, almost, and I put almost there because sometimes people can't deal with certain things.

Sometimes they can't. And if you go there, it's over. It's history. They don't have the capability to forgive in some areas, and the marriage is toast. And there are certain things that God says if you do it and your marriage ends up divorced, your mate's free to remarry because you violated some very important principles here. So there are certain things that if you go that direction, you know, you may not be able to expect your wife or your husband to be able to put up with it. Now, I'm not saying, again, I think there's, I think a wife or husband can put up with almost anything if they have the Spirit of God in full force working in them.

But frankly, not all of us have, none of us have, the Spirit of God in full force working in us.

So just use that. I guess I'd throw that out as a warning. You know, it's not a license to sin because it can cause some severe trouble in your marriage.

So always be faithful to your mate in all things. Jealousy is a normal human tendency.

A certain type of jealousy should be expected. You know, we don't want our mates being unfaithful.

We want our mates being faithful to us. And if there isn't some kind of jealousy, there's probably a problem there. A certain amount of jealousy. I mean, some people are way too jealous. They start imagining things. They start controlling their mates. And that's the wrong kind of jealousy. So it only goes so far. But you know, there's a balance here. We're to become chased virgins to Christ. That means we're to put sin out, doesn't it? We're to put sin away. We're to become chased virgins. We're going to marry Christ. Christ wants to marry a virgin.

The Church has to become without spot or wrinkle or any such thing without any blemishes. It's to become a chased virgin spiritually. And obviously Christ has to do some forgiving in order for that to happen. But that is what we read in the Bible, that the Church has to become a chased virgin without spot or wrinkle or any such thing. Now, the world we live in makes it very difficult.

It makes it very difficult to be always on best behavior. There are some disgusting things that go on all around us. And if we're not careful, and if we absorb this stuff into our minds and our hearts, it will affect us. For example, here's an article entitled, The Deteriorating Standards of Sex on TV. In 1896, a film called The Kiss outraged moral guardians by showing a couple stealing a quick kiss. "'Absolutely disgusting,' said one critic." This was back in 1896.

Such things call for police action. I guess we do live in a gentler world today, in some respects. I mean, there are advantages and disadvantages in society. I mean, in some ways, we're probably healthier than we were in the past. In other ways, we're much sicker. Much sicker.

By the 1990s, Primetime Network Entertainment offered sexual remarks or behavior every four minutes. That seems a little long to me. I mean, I would have kind of thought it was probably even less than that. From their monitoring of network programs, Lewis Harris and Associates estimated that the average viewer witnesses 14,000 sexual events annually. Nearly all of this involves unmarried people. That's usually where all the sex is happening. Unmarried people on TV, not the married ones, but the unmarried ones. An analysis of one week of network Primetime TV found that intercourse was mentioned or intimated by unmarried couples 90 times and by married couples just once. Rarely are there any consequences. No one gets herpes or AIDS. No one gets pregnant. No one has to change diapers, get up in the middle of the night, or heroically struggle to socialize a fatherless child. In fact, more than two-thirds of the time in another analysis of 220 scenes of unmarried sex, the activity is portrayed as desirable. And that's true. Usually it's portrayed in a desirable way rather than a negative, bad way. And whenever the Bible talks about those things, it's always in a negative way. If the Bible talks about immoral sex, it's immoral. It's negative. What David did with Bathsheba isn't glorified. It's shown that what he did was wrong. It was sinful. But that's not how the TV oftentimes shows. They garner sympathy for the poor wife, for the poor husband, whose husband or mate won't talk to them. So they go out and have an adulterous affair. And they're the good guys. Frankly, they're not the good guys. There are songs written this way. Country, western songs. You know, on and on it goes. So the activity is portrayed as desirable, and less than 10% of the time, sexual activity between unmarried adults is portrayed as undesirable. Only 10% of the time do they show some consequences, or that it's negative, that it's hurtful. So it's good to be aware if you do watch some of these programs, and you just about can't watch TV at all, and not be exposed to some of it. Now, unless you're Frank, even if you're watching the news, you're going to be exposed to some of it. So be careful what you watch, because it will have an effect on you. I think I will share this little story with you about a 19-year-old woman named Kylie Busetti. A couple of years ago, she beat out 10,000 other contestants in the 2009 Victoria's Secret Model Search Contest. So she was a Victoria's Secret model, and she won out of 10,000 other people. She won this model search. Busetti said that getting married and growing in her Christian faith caused her to see her career in a different light. In an interview, Kylie said, the modeling world is a very hard industry to be in without falling into things that you don't want to do. It's a very tempting industry. Yeah, that's kind of an understatement. Victoria's Secret was my absolutely biggest goal in life, and it was all I ever wanted career-wise. This is a 19-year-old young lady talking about. This is where she had set her goals on becoming a Victoria's Secret model. But I'm a Christian, and reading the Bible more, I was becoming more convicted about it. My body should only be for my husband, and it's just a sacred thing. I didn't really want to be that kind of role model for younger girls, because I had a lot of younger Christian girls that were looking up to me and then thinking that it was okay for them to walk around and show their bodies and lingerie to guys. It was pretty crazy because I finally achieved my biggest dream, the dream that I always wanted. It's like she's what, 100 years old? And she's finally...

Anyway, I finally achieved my biggest dream, the dream that I always wanted, but when I finally got it, it wasn't all that I thought it would be. Well, she's making progress, obviously. It's a good thing for her to set a better role model for others. You know, she considers herself a Christian, and she came to realize that I don't know how much influence her husband had on her. Her husband might have had a lot of influence on her, too. Like, you're not going to do that anymore. I mean, I have no idea if he did or didn't, but anyway, at least one woman decided that lingerie modeling didn't mesh with her Christian values.

Now, that reminds me of Hosea chapter 2. Hosea chapter 2. Let's go there briefly. The book of Hosea is a fascinating book.

It is quite a model lesson in the book of Hosea. Hosea was told, Hosea was a prophet, a prophet of God, and he was told to marry Gomer. Now, Gomer was the daughter of De Blaim, and perhaps he was De Blaim for some of her actions, but that was her father's name. She was the daughter of a guy named De Blaim. Anyway, she was a prostitute, and Hosea was told to marry this prostitute. Now, that's not typically what God tells us to do. In fact, God would prefer that we all marry virgins and that we were all virgins. That's what God prefers, but in this case, God asked, no, he told his prophet to go marry a prostitute. There's a valuable lesson here when it comes to marriage.

So, he had to do it. Hosea married Gomer a prostitute, and that was symbolic of our marriage to Christ. You know, we are the prostitutes. Do you get that? In the book of Hosea, we're all prostitutes because we're all sinners. We're not chaste virgins. We're all sinners. So, we are the prostitutes, and Christ is going to marry us. Christ is going to forgive us, all of our sins. We will become without spot or blemish or wrinkle or any such thing, and we will be accepted by Jesus Christ as the bride of Christ. That's a powerful lesson.

So, again, forgiveness is very, very important in a marriage. We have to be forgiving. If God told one of his prophets to forgive Gomer for her infidelities and to marry her, and she was likely even practicing after they were married, you know, how much more should we be willing to also be forgiving people? Now, there are some powerful lessons here. Hosea 2, verse 16, And it shall be in that day, says the Lord, that you will call me my husband, and no longer call me my master. We will call Christ our husband at the return of Christ. For I will take from her mouth the names of the Bales. They were committing adultery with Bail. This is what the Israelites were doing on the high places and so forth. They were committing adultery to the Bails. And they shall be remembered by their name no more. In that day, speaking about a day yet to come, I will make a covenant for them with the beasts of the field, with the birds of the air, and with the creeping things of the ground.

Bow and sword of battle, I will shatter from the earth to make them lie down safely. God is going to protect His people. I will betroth you to me forever. Yes, I will betroth you to me in righteousness and justice, in loving kindness and mercy, because certainly God is all those things.

God is a God of righteousness and justice and loving kindness and mercy. And He also wants us to become like that. I will betroth you to me in faithfulness. I will be faithful to you, and I will expect you to be faithful to me. And you shall know the Lord. You shall know the Lord. You shall come to know the Lord in the fullest sense. So take some time to read Hosea again and to consider the model lesson that God wants us to grasp from the book of Hosea. It's a very important eighth point of faithfulness, being faithful. Now, we are to be faithful ourselves.

We are to be faithful people. When God told Hosea to marry her, He did. He was faithful. He followed through. He was faithful to what God expected Him to do. So we need to be faithful. We also need to be forgiving. Vital Key number eight. Now, number nine. Last point. Always be in control when interacting with your mate. Never lose control with your mate. Very, very important lesson. When we lose control, things really escalate in a bad way. Things really get out of hand when we lose control because oftentimes when we lose control, the other person also loses control. And it's a cyclical thing again. One feeds on the other and things really get out of hand. That's when the police come and the wife has killed her husband. Now, it wasn't long ago that happened here in Tulsa, wasn't it? It seems like I remember an older couple. And I think he came out and they ended up shooting him. And then they found his wife dead inside the house. I mean, that's an extreme example, obviously. In our marriage, we need to learn to control ourselves, though, and not get out of hand. If we're practicing all the other fruits of God's spirit, we're not going to be getting out of control like that. If we're practicing love and joy and peace and patience and goodness and kindness and faithfulness, we're not going to get out of control. So, be self-control. That's what God wants us to do. God wants us to be in control.

Treat your mate with love and respect at all times. If ever you lose control, quickly repent.

That's bad behavior. Don't allow that to go on. Don't accept that in yourself. Stop it and apologize immediately to your mate. Strive to heal the breach that you have caused by losing control. Don't allow anger or pride to drive a wedge between you. Anger and pride will oftentimes drive a wedge between a husband and wife, and they will lose control. Humble yourself. Control yourself.

A recent survey identified money as the cause of most marital fights.

Now, I don't know if you've ever fought over money or not, but be aware that many fights are caused over money. According to a 2012 national telephone survey, couples fight about one issue more than any other, and that is finances. The survey revealed the following stats for married couples or for those who are living together. On average, couples fight about money at least three times a month. That made it the most volatile topic ahead of arguments about children, chores, work, or friends. As couples age, they generally argue about money more often. The most common cause for money arguments, 58%, focused on differing opinions of needs versus wants. Honey, you don't need to get that bass boat. Yes, I do. I haven't had a bass boat in 30 years that worked.

I need to get a decent bass boat. Okay, well, those, you know, I'm talking about wants and needs. You may have a difference of opinion on what is a need and what is a want, and that's where conversation comes in. You've got to be able to talk these things out and not get too bent out of shape about the money part. Be reasonable. If you're going to get a bass boat, then you better save for it. You better have good reason to justify that you're going to bring lots of fish home to eat, and it's going to pay for itself. Well, and I will be able to sell it for about what I pay for it. It's used, you know, I should be able to sell it for about the same, so really it's not going to cost us anything. All right. 49% of couples argue about unexpected expenses. 32% argue about insufficient savings. 30% of adults who are married or living with a partner have engaged in at least one deceitful behavior related to their finances, such as hiding purchases. Now, we shouldn't do that, but sometimes we do. Despite all the conflict about money, 55% of couples said they do not set aside time on a regular basis to talk about financial issues. So perhaps we need to set apart some time rather than argue about it, set some time out to discuss it. How are we doing? How are the finances doing? Are we staying on target or not? Have a budget, and try to stay there. Okay, one last scripture. 2 Peter 1. Let's go there. 2 Peter 1.

We're going to conclude this sermon soon. 2 Peter 1, verse 5. 2 Peter 1, verse 5.

But also, for this very reason, giving all diligence, add to your faith virtue to virtue knowledge. Now, this is Peter. It's not Paul this time, but he also talks a lot about the fruits of the Spirit here. Not every single one of them, but many of them. Diligence, add to your faith virtue to virtue knowledge to knowledge self-control.

Okay, these are all things. We need to have all these things going in our marriage. We need to be virtuous. We need to be knowledgeable. We need to be self-controlled.

To self-control. Excuse me. To self-control, add perseverance. To perseverance godliness, or goodness. To godliness, brotherly kindness. To brotherly kindness, love.

For if these things are yours and abound, you will be neither barren nor unfruitful. You will be producing the fruit of God's Spirit in your lives, in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.

For he who lacks these things is short-sighted. You are short-sighted if you lack these virtues, these fruits of God's Spirit. So, brethren, our marriages are types of two very important relationships. We need to consider the relationship between God the Father and God the Son, Jesus Christ, and the oneness that they have. We need to consider the relationship between the first fruits, those who are called out now, to marry Christ at His return. We are among the first fruits. Producing the fruit of God's Spirit in your marriage will definitely draw you closer together and make your marriage much stronger. The more you cultivate your love for each other, the stronger your love will become. The more you seek peace and pursue it in your marital relationship, the more peaceful your marriage will be. The more happiness and joy you have in your marriage, the more content and satisfied you will be. The more patience you exercise in your marriage, the more willing you will be to overlook the little things that begin to cause a wedge, a division in your marriage. The more kindness that is practiced in your marriage, the closer you will feel toward each other. The gentler and the kinder you are toward each other, the better you will feel toward each other. When you are good to each other, your marriage is always strengthened. When you're bad to each other, you hurt your marriage. Faithfulness in a marriage is extremely important. It is vital in a good marriage. We need to be faithful people of God.

Self-control will give your marriage an opportunity to grow and flourish.

So, brethren, it is very important that we nurture our marriages by practicing these nine vital keys to a vitalized marriage. By the way, I do remember some advice that Mrs. Clement told me last time I gave this sermon. She said she was really glad that I gave these kind of sermons because Harold always learned something from them. And maybe that's why they've been together for 60 years.